The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 7, Episode 8 - Curse of the Tiger Women - full transcript

[Upbeat drumming music]

300 cubits long,
by 50 cubits wide,

by 30 cubits high.

Higher than mr brittas' office.

[Audience laughs]

With three decks and stairs

so the animals
can go two by two,

to spend a penny and be sick.

[Audience laughs]

Do they have pennies on the ark?

And I've worked out a seating
plan, mammals over there,



reptiles up the
front, fish along here

with the sharks separated
from the nice fish, of course.

You don't need to
put fish on the ark,

they can stay in the sea!

Eh?

Well, what's a flood to a fish?

It's more room
to swim around in.

Julie!

You have a brain!

I can see why that young man
of yours wants to marry you!

Oh, him, yeah.

The fish can stay in the sea.

I don't have to have
the whales on board,

there'll be more room, the
chickens can be free range.



[Audience laughs]

Julie, in two minutes from now,

you'll be a minute
late for work!

Yeah and in three months' time,

some people have
spent thirty eight years

being thick as a brick!

[Audience laughs]

Thank you Julie.

And it's thirty seven!

Mr brittas, as you
know I've been helping

Linda's Bible class with
their project about Noah's ark.

Now I've laid out the dimensions

so that the children
can see how big it was-

-Colin!
-But with your permission

I would like to launch
a small scale model

I have made of
the ark in the pool.

Colin!

I've filled out all the forms
mr brittas, in topciplicate.

Colin?

What do you see before you?

I see you mr brittas!

God's gift to the
leisure industry.

[Audience laughs]

Colin, I can see a whole
load of old rubbish over there!

Supermarket trolleys,
car wheels, bicycle tyres.

We had the travellers in here
last night, hundreds of them.

Did we?

Now that explains why
there was all that underwear

on the Rose bushes this morning!

[Audience laughs]

Left in a hurry did they?

They certainly did,
when I threw them out!

Get it cleared up please.

[Audience laughs]

Oh, you're not looking
at that one of me

in my beach pyjamas
and my sunburnt nose,

I look awful, throw it away!

No, no, you look lovely!

Do I?

Oh, it's not even my good side!

The other side is
my good side look!

If you hold it up to the light
you can see my good side.

[Audience laughs]

Welcome to the whitbury
newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

-It's me Carole.
-Oh, sorry mrs brittas!

I'm free now aren't I?

Yes, there's no-one
in for counselling today.

Good. Carole, my
last client when he left,

did he walk all hunched up,
head down, jabbering to himself?

Yes, mrs brittas.

Good!

Good he's getting better!

[Audience laughs]

Funny thing about
the twins Carole...

Oh, I know, it's the flash
that frightened them,

but look, you can
see their little eyes

from underneath
the sofa and, actually,

their eyes are blue not red.

[Audience laughs]

No, not that one, this
one of them in profile

they remind me of someone.

Oh, do they really?

Royalty perhaps?

Or cliff Richard?

[Audience laughs]

Well, no, although oddly enough,

they look like mr brittas.

Mr brittas!

They don't look like mr brittas,
what a stupid thing to say.

I'm sorry, but they do
they look like mr brittas.

No, they don't they
haven't even got blazers on!

[Audience laughs]

How dare you!

I'm sorry but they
do look like mr-

they do not look
like mr brittas.

My twins have
beautiful round faces,

mr brittas has a great
big craggy sort of face.

Morning Carole!

Mr brittas, I was talking
about another mr brittas,

a mr brittas with a great
big craggy sort of face.

Carole are you planning
a nervous collapse?

There's a procedure
for that sort of thing.

Mr brittas.

Good news from the pool,
the urine content is down to 9%.

[Audience laughs]

Good man Gavin, meeting
in ten minutes please.

Mr brittas, just before
you go mr brittas,

could I see your profile

could you turn to
the side mr brittas?

Carole, I'm a very busy man.

I don't have time to
turn me head to one side!

Cockroach mr brittas.

[Carole screams]

Oh, it's true!

It's not true there is
no cockroach Carole,

this is a cockroach free zone,
you're seeing things again.

It's a nightmare, it's
the end of the world.

[Audience laughs]

Carole, that's just
stupid newspaper talk

'cause of the millennium.

Cockroaches taking over,
global warming, sea levels rising.

It would take a pretty high
tide to reach here Carole.

How am I going
to live with myself?

Carole you don't have
to live with yourself,

you've got Ben and just
look at those lovely twins,

their father must be a very
proud man, whoever he is.

[Audience laughs]

Heads I marry
him, tails I don't.

[Audience laughs]

Best of three.

Heads I marry
him, tails I don't.

Best of five

[mr brittas] Julie!

I'm busy, I'm planning my life.

[Audience laughs]

[Mr brittas] Come in
here with your notepad

and pencil please.

What now?

Right, Julie take a note please.

I'm afraid Carole is having
some sort of nervous collapse,

she's to have counselling
sessions with mrs brittas.

Isn't that a bit like taking
coals to newcastle?!

[Audience laughs]

Deduct it from her wages please.

Right, Julie!

What is today?

The 22nd, Julie.

It is seven years to the
day since we opened

this centre and I took the
reins of what has become

a leading player in the
leisure centre industry.

Julie!

See those two
flies on the window?

If the one on the right
gets to the top first,

I'll marry him.

Julie.

Oh, he's buzzed off
I'll take that as a no!

What?

Look you've spent weeks
trying to make up your mind Julie,

why don't you just
marry the man?

How can I marry a
man I can't stand?

Treat it as a challenge
Julie, many women do.

Lucky for you, they do!

[Audience laughs]

I was locking up
and there they were

all over the car park, gipsies!

So, I phoned mr brittas at home

and he was in the middle of
making a kedgeree for some

people who he'd
got coming to dinner,

but he came straight
round and he was amazing!

He just turned them out
by sheer force of personality.

You mean he bored
them to death until they left.

[Audience laughs]

But then this old gypsy
woman stepped forward,

like Mother Teresa
with a moustache,

[audience chuckles]

And she pointed two
fingers at him like that-

oh, please!

She put a curse on him.

The guest who eats
food from your hand

shall die like a dog in a ditch.

The guest who eats food from...

Hey, what if he eats a
sandwich he made himself?

There's every chance
he'll die like a dog in a ditch.

I like it!

[Audience laughs]

I don't believe in
curses, of course!

Well, nor do I.

Morning all or should
I say happy birthday.

In you come Julie!

Ta-da!

Congratulations to us all
on seven glorious years here

at whitbury newtown
leisure centre.

It is seven years to the
day since the first member

of public came through
those hallowed portals.

And you threw
him out mr brittas.

[Audience laughs]

He was wearing unauthorised
water wings Gavin!

Attention to detail
is my middle name.

Come on Linda, blow
the candles out please.

Right now, make a wish.

I wish...

You wish we could all work
here forever as a happy team,

quite right Linda.

Right, now, slice
of cake anyone?

Oh, lovely!

Right, let me hand
it to you personally!

What?

I made it myself!

[Audience laughs]

You made it?

I did, be my guest.

Guest!

Well, perhaps not, got a
tummy upset actually mr brittas.

Linda, come on, made
with my own fair hand.

Could I have mine later,
I had a big breakfast.

Anyone would think
it was poisonous.

Tim?

Erm, I'm allergic to candles!

I'll have a slice.

But you're slimming Julie.

I am not, I lost weight
having the baby!

[Explosion rumbles]

What was that?

What's that smell?

I'm sorry I'm late mr brittas.

[Audience laughs]

Don't worry about
the explosions,

I discovered a nasty build up

of methane gas
in the stench pipe.

But I've been down
there, rigged up a pilot light

and there will controlled
detonations throughout the day.

Well, Colin, just this once,

top management
approves your action.

Thank you very much mr brittas.

I've also taken the precaution

of putting these little
birds around the place,

to test for foul air.

Colin, we're
celebrating seven years

of whitbury,
everyone's having cake.

Thank you very much mr brittas.

Don't touch it!

Not in those gloves I mean.

Point taken Linda I'll take it

and put it in my pocket
and I'll enjoy it later

after I've thrown out
the main sludge build up.

[Audience laughs]

Well, I must say,
I'm a bit disappointed

as any cook would be
nobody having my cake.

Mr brittas, you're eating cake.

That's right Linda.

Never seen a man
eating cake before?

What you all staring at?

Nah.

You've been telling them about
the gypsy curse haven't you?

Erm, we don't
believe it mr brittas.

You were worried I was
going die, well I haven't.

It's early days yet mr brittas!

[Audience laughs]

The question I've always
wanted to know the answer to

is why did I say
yes to going out

with Gordon in the first place?

You're a yes sort of person,

[audience laughs]

You're the sort of
person that say's yes!

And you always will be.

Always, you mean I can't change?

Well, what's the
point in all this then?

Thirty quid an hour and
you can't change people?

It's a racket, it's
daylight robbery!

Just practising, staff training.

[Audience laughs]

Is another client
waiting for me?

Yes it's me, I put my
name down in the book,

I've come to talk about
my twins and their father.

Oh, Carole, you're not still
trying to find him are you?

He could be anyone, anywhere.

The twins are three
now, miss brittas,

and do you remember three
years and exactly nine months ago,

we all went to a new year's
fancy dress party at Julie's.

And Colin won first prize
as fungus the bogeyman,

and he wasn't even dressed up!

[Audience laughs]

I went up to the bedroom
to get a tissue from my coat!

It was dark, a man
came in, he said nothing.

He was very tender,
romantic and loving,

and I've never regretted
a moment of it mrs brittas.

Nor should you, it
was a beautiful thing.

I think it might have been
mr brittas, mrs brittas.

[Audience laughs]

Gordon!

My Gordon?

Oh, Carole surely not.

He was dressed as
king Kong mrs brittas!

What was mr brittas dressed as?

Well, king Kong as it happens,

but Gordon wasn't
the only gorilla,

like there were several tigers.

No, there were only two tigers.

I was dressed as a tiger and
you were dressed as a tiger.

I now realise that
he thought I was you.

Oh, Carole, I'm sure
you're imagining things.

He wasn't tender, loving and
romantic with me mrs brittas,

he thought he was
making love to you!

I'm sure you're wrong.

I saw him in the garden
talking to a pillar box.

No, no, no.

[Audience laughs]

Nine months later I
had twins mrs brittas.

You've had twins,
mr brittas is a twin.

Twins run in the family now
look at my twins mrs brittas.

Look at their profiles.

[Audience laughs]

I've been dreading
this moment Carole.

I've always suspected
that it might be Gordon too!

I didn't mean to steal
your husband mrs brittas.

[Audience laughs]

I know you didn't, Carole.

It was just one of those
gorillas that pass in the night

[audience laughs]

I thought the gorilla
loved me for myself,

but he didn't, he loved you.

Which means nobody
loves me mrs brittas!

[Audience laughs]

I love you Carole, even
though you're the other woman!

He'll have to be told, you know.

[Phone ringing]

Yes, what?

Oh, beryl, yes I'm so
glad you could come

to dinner last night too.

What?

A bit of a crisis?

Oh, have you, Harold,
what you mean he's ill?

He's dead!

[Audience laughs]

He can't be dead.

The kedgeree?

Well, Gordon made it, of
course he washes his hands,

Gordon's very careful, he
doesn't make silly mistakes,

Gordon always
knows what he's doing.

[Carole cries]

[Audience laughs]

Well, mostly he does!

Gavin, I've made a
decision about this cake,

we'll flog it to the
public, 50p a slice.

Is that really wise mr brittas?

Gavin there is nothing
wrong with this cake.

Gypsy curse, she
had a mobile phone.

[Audience laughs]

No, no, not the goldfish!

All that curse nonsense
is in the mind Gavin,

and old Goldie here doesn't
have a mind, he's lucky.

Look at him, he loves it.

[Explosion rumbles]

Ah, got to talk to Colin,

should be here in
three minutes time.

I'm sorry I'm early mr brittas.

[Audience laughs]

The children are
here for the launching.

Colin, you're not
putting live animals

from children's corner
on that ark are you?

I don't want them moving
their bowels in the pool.

No, mr brittas, the children

are putting their little toy
animals on the ark two by two.

[Explosion rumbles]

And I want a written report

about this marsh
gas problem please.

It's caused by a mass of
impacted excrete mr brittas!

In the u-bend!

Have it on my desk
by midday please.

[Audience laughs]

Wilco mr brittas, I'll
wrap it in newspaper.

I think he meant
the report Colin!

Hey, this canary's dead.

Marsh gas, the air's
not fit to breathe!

Everyone stop breathing!

No, it's not to do with air,

it's those cake crumbs
you gave it off the floor!

Mr brittas' cake
is above suspicion.

Oh, really!

[Audience laughs]

Goldie only had
two or three crumbs!

I suppose my
husband's in his office.

You alright mrs brittas?

I'm in a state of shock.

In fact I'm in two states
of shock at the same time.

I'm sorry.

Hello twinnies,

I'm just looking at you.

Mrs brittas, we have a
major problem with mr brittas.

We may have to restrain him.

It's a bit late for that.

[Babies crying]

Now, who's toy can be mr Noah?

Batman.

Yeah, Batman's the nearest!

He's got a cloak to
keep out of the rain.

And mrs Noah can be sindy, yep!

We've got two teddies and
one my little pony from Laura.

There's uncle Colin.

Hello children.

Hello uncle Colin.

This is serious Colin,
what are we going to do?

One thing at a time Gavin.

Should we do the launching
down at this end uncle Colin?

No, I think we'll do
it down at this end

aunty Linda and
I'll tell you why.

So that we can slide
the ark down the slide

and it'll go whoosh
into the water,

like a lifeboat being launched.

Right, round you come.

[Explosion rumbles]

Oh, there's the thunder.

It's gonna rain for forty
days and forty nights.

[Audience laughs]

Not really, not real rain.

Upstairs at Julie's party?

I thought it was you!

Well, it wasn't, it was Carole.

I was downstairs
washing up plastic cups

because they'd run out,
making myself useful.

But it was you on those
coats, I recognised you,

the stripes on your flank.

Carole's costume came
from the same shop.

But they were your
whiskers, they tickled!

[Audience laughs]

They were Carole's whiskers
Gordon, it was Carole.

But you led me on,
you swished your tail.

It was Carole who
swished her tail.

Is that all it takes to
make you beat your chest?

I beat my chest did I?

She said you did.

If only I'd gone as the tin man

none of this would've happened.

[Audience laughs]

Now the rain is coming down,

and it's filled the whole pool.

And it's time to launch
the ark, uncle Colin.

Bye teddies, bye
Batman, bye sindy!

Bye!

I name this ship Noah's ark.

God bless her and
all who sail in her.

[Audience laughs]

Maybe I should have
shut the portholes.

So, that's five children
you've got including

Carole's two and our three.

We've got four children Helen.

Alright, making six.

And then there's
Ben to think about.

I wish I was dead.

Oh, that reminds me,
did you wash your hands

before you made the
kedgeree last night?

Because one of our
dinner guests isn't

very well, Harold,
he's not well at all.

In fact he's dead!

[Audience laughs]

Dead!

Go away I'm busy!

[Audience laughs]

You're not doing anything!

Yes I am, I'm listening to
what's going on in there.

Now that's not right Julie,

there is such a thing
as executive privacy.

What is going on in there?

Mind your own business!

What do you want?

I've got an appointment
with him at 11 o'clock.

Councillor whatsit's here!

Tell him to wait.

There was nothing
wrong with that kedgeree.

I washed the rice myself.

Well, you managed
to kill your best friend.

[Audience laughs]

This is not a very good
morning for me, Helen.

[Audience laughs]

It's only 11 o'clock.

[Audience laughs]

Harold wasn't just my best
friend, he was my only friend.

[Audience laughs]

Why don't you count Carole then?

[Audience laughs]

I told you Helen, at that moment

I was worshipping
you with my body.

Well, you missed!

[Audience laughs]

There's bound to
be a post mortem.

On Carole?

On Harold!

This is a nightmare.

[Julie] I'm sending councillor
druggitt in he's in my way.

I'd better get back to Carole,

try and repair your damage.

Helen, look I'm
right behind you.

From now on, I want you
to stay right in front of me

where I can see
what you're doing!

[Audience laughs]

Gordon!

Congratulations!

Seven glorious years.

I'm sorry counsellor, I've
just had two bits of bad news.

Well, it's good news now Gordon.

We're giving you
early retirement!

Early retirement?

Yes, that's right, end
of the month off you go

to the golf course, or whatever.

Early retirement?

I'm a young man Jack!

Ah, that's the beauty
of it, you'll get forty

or fifty years of retirement.

We drew lots.

Your name came out of the hat.

Well, budgets being what
they are, someone had to go!

All the names went in, mine
included and out came yours.

You lucky man!

This has not been a very
good morning for me Jack,

and it's only two
minutes past eleven.

Here's your coffee.

What a morning!

[Audience laughs]

Wonderful.

Oh, biscuits, yes
I'll have a biscuit.

Mr brittas made those, there's
some sort of curse on them.

[Audience laughs]

Biscuit making grand
retirement hobby!

Good old Gordon. Can I have two?

Be my guest.

[Audience laughs]

Birth, death, early
retirement what else is there?

What's your trouble Gordon?

It's like I'm having
a terrible dream,

only I know I'm not dreaming,

I've still got my trousers on.

[Audience laughs]

Nonsense, today is the
first day of the rest of your life

and mine.

By the way, these are delicious!

Now, then.

If you could just sign there,

there and there
for your pension,

and oh yes, I hope
you don't mind,

but I've got to take the
nameplate off your door.

They want to put it on the
golf trolley they're giving you.

Oh!

What a giveaway!

[Audience laughs]

I don't think he deserves this.

There'll be some
changes here, Julie.

If you want to keep your job...

Oh, oh dear my stomach,
oh my head, my head,

my heart.

Oh, it's all self with you!

Isn't it, me, me, me!

It's him that's got
the problem and me!

Do you think I
should get married?

Er, could I have
a glass of water?

You don't need a glass
of water, just say yes or no.

Well, they do say these
things come in threes Helen.

Early retirement of course
means we'll have more time

to spend with the children

and more children to
spend time with, yes.

[Audience laughs]

Of course, I'll be able to
attend Harold's funeral,

so not everything's gloomy.

Mr brittas!

Hang on a second.
What is it, Julie?

It's councillor druggitt.

What about him?

He's dead!

[Audience laughs]

Of course he's not dead.

Well, he's sat in there
as stiff as a ramrod

with his eyes closed.

Well, maybe he's
just dropped off!

That's right, he's just
dropped off his perch!

[Audience laughs]

Mr brittas would
never kill anyone,

especially not a councillor.

He has too much respect
for local government.

Colin, the facts are
staring you in the face.

Druggitt ate the
biscuit, he's dead.

Brittas' guest ate the
kedgeree and he's dead,

the goldfish and the canary,

they ate the cake
crumbs and they're dead!

Marsh gas is very
strange stuff Gavin.

It builds up, it forms pockets.

You can't be telling me
that marsh gas made pockets

in the kedgeree last night.

I wouldn't put it past it!

It's marsh gas that's
causing the greenhouse effect.

The sea level's rising,
the level in the pool's rising.

And look at that cup of tea

I've been sipping at that
all day and it's still full!

That pipe's dripping Colin.

[Audience laughs]

I thought it had a funny taste!

Colin, brittas
is killing people!

Killing people who
accept food from him!

Tomorrow's the start of
whitbury senior citizen week

we're doing the darby
and Joan tea party,

brittas is making the
pilchard sandwiches,

it'll be a massacre!

[Pipe hissing]

My word, look at that!

The build up of
pressure in the toilet

is almost out of control,

this could be the big one!

We could pebble
dash five counties!

[Audience laughs]

Colin, I'm talking
mass murder here!

So am I!

I'm gonna have to get greased up

and crawl down that stench pipe.

[Audience laughs]

Wish me luck.

It's like talking
to a lavatory wall.

[Audience laughs]

A fine man and
a great councillor,

deeply missed, much mourned.

Still, it's an ill wind,

when you think about
it it's councillor druggitt

that's taken early retirement.

Please Julie, no flippancy
at this very sad juncture.

No, he's gone and
you won't have to!

That is a very
good point, Julie.

Things are looking up!

I won't need this
anymore, that's for sure.

Is that my cake?

Someone's thrown
my cake away, Julie.

I baked that cake
with my own hands,

with the finest
ingredients, what happens?

Someone Chucks it away.

At least the birds can have it.

Oh, are you sure?

Don't you think we'll get a lot
of dead birds on our hands?

Nah, a lot of mumbo-jumbo,
in fact it's jumbo-mumbo-jumbo!

Nah.

You know what?

If an even number of
birds falls out of the sky,

I'll marry him.

[Audience laughs]

Carole.

I don't really know
what to say, Carole.

It's not like you mr brittas.

I think from now on you
should call me Gordon.

[Audience laughs]

Thank you, Gordon.

Perhaps you'd like
to call me tigger!

[Audience laughs]

I don't think so Carole,

that's what I call mrs brittas.

Oh!

About Julie's party Carole,

I'm afraid I'd had a drink,

I'd had several
units of fruit cup.

[Audience laughs]

-Look I just wanna say-
-no, please don't mr brittas!

Those caresses were meant
for somebody else, mr brittas,

they were meant for
mrs brittas, mr brittas.

[Audience laughs]

I meant those caresses
at the time Carole,

whoever was on
the receiving end.

[Audience laughs]

Thank you mr brittas.

I suppose I'm a surrogate
mother, I suppose, mr brittas.

And a very wonderful
surrogate mother Carole.

Are my surrogate children in?

I've just sent the children,

our children, to playschool.

I gave them banana sandwiches,

I hope that meets your approval?

On brown bread I trust?

Of course, mr brittas!

One more thing, Carole.

Have you told our
children who their dad is?

No, I thought I'd wait

'til they were forty
and sitting down.

[Audience laughs]

Quite right Carole,

they can call me
uncle Gordon until then.

Oh, by the way, I plan on buying
them each a premium bond.

[Audience laughs]

Oh, how very
generous mr brittas.

Ah, look who it is, mrs brittas!

Well, I think the one
thing that's definite

is that we should
all stick together

for the sake of the children.

Yes. I've just got
to go to the office.

I'll see you later my darling!

Alright darling.

[Audience laughs]

Yes, I know you
fought in the war,

so you know how to make
your own sandwiches.

We had to come in the back way,

the place is full of
dead birds out there.

[Audience laughs]

We didn't find the gipsies,
not even on the bypass.

Right, so we can't get
the gipsies to lift the curse,

so we've got to find
some other way of getting

brittas out of harm's way.

Maroon him on a desert island,

except without any Shakespeare,
a Bible or any records.

[Explosion rumbles]

Pop him in that space
under the swimming pool

where the stench
pipe starts, yes!

He's not gonna go
down there without a fight.

Well, we'll reason with
him, he's a reasonable man.

Colin, I'm sorry,

you'll just have to
deal with it yourself,

I'm facing a mutiny here. Bye.

Gavin, I am the
captain of this ship

oh, come on mr brittas,
you know it makes sense.

Do you want to go down in
history as a mass murderer?

Look, I'm not going into
any space under any pool.

It's for the good of
whitbury mr brittas.

[Explosion rumbles]

I'm sorry mr brittas, but
if you won't go quietly

then I am taking command
of this leisure centre.

Is this your ruler?

Yes!

Your command is at an end!

Linda citizens arrest.

You're nicked brittas!

No, I am not!

You are.

Mr brittas.

What is it Julie, I'm busy?

The police have come
about your kedgeree.

They want to see you outside.

Sorry to say this, mr brittas,

but we have to
evacuate the building.

Colin, we practise
evacuating the building

at 11 o'clock on Tuesdays.

People of whitbury
set their watches by it.

This isn't practise mr
brittas, this is the real thing.

She's about to blow!

[Alarm blares]

You have thirty seconds.

Right, I'm resuming command,
this is an official crisis.

Yeah, when isn't it?!

Ring the police.

The police are here.

Clear the building!

Linda get the public out please.

-There aren't any.
-What?

There was only one all
day and you threw him out.

Oh, well done, brittas,
seven years ago

you threw out the first punter

and now you've
thrown out the last.

Well, he was
petting in the pool.

[Audience laughs]

Out of the centre please.

Right as soon as
the centre goes up

I want all these dead
birds disposed of.

Watch out, that goose
is heading straight for us!

[Audience laughs]

Not now Helen or is it Carole?

It's the hearth rug mr brittas.

You're alright now mr
brittas, we're on my ark,

I've been secretly
building it in the car park.

We're afloat, we're safe.

What, in the pool you mean?

On the ocean mr brittas.

Hello Gordon, we're your wives,

you're going to be
everyone's father now.

We've got to
repopulate the world.

We've drawn up a roster.

Where's my blazer?

What's this dressing gown thing?

I've got to go mr Noah,

we've got a build up
of droppings in the bilge

[audience laughs]

That's the good news,

the bad news is the
woodworm have escaped,

they're breeding like
flies and they're starving.

-Abandon ship!
-To the lifeboats!

Women and children first.

Tickets please, can I
have your tickets please!

What do you mean tickets?

Tickets, can I have
your tickets please!

[Conductor] Tickets please!

Oh, Gordon, wake up!

Where am I?

Bellsley junction, ten
minutes to whitbury,

tickets please!

Last chance for a cup
of coffee if you want one.

[Audience laughs]

I'll have a flapjack, please.

Cup of tea please.

Helen, I've just had
this amazing dream,

with all these people in it.

You fell asleep right in the
middle of me talking to you

I hope you don't do
that at your interview,

you're never gonna
get this whitbury job

if you don't concentrate.

Excuse me please.

Now they're bound to ask
you this one, they always do.

Why do you want the job

as manager of whitbury
newtown leisure centre?

Why do I want the job?

I want the job Helen because

because I have a dream!

[Audience laughs]

[Upbeat drumming music]