The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 7, Episode 6 - Gavin Featherly R. I. P. - full transcript
Before dragging the staff to a shaggy sea resort for the annual 'team building' event, Gordon makes Gavin confess to a record company of infringing their copyright. After receiving a letter they sue for £10,000 - he takes Colin's experimental spud-powered motorboat to sea and goes missing for days. Gordon assumes he's dead and organizes a cheap 'funeral' without telling the family -all overseas- there is no body. French pirates picked Gavin up and put him up for sale as a slave. Tim blames himself for writing the letter as a prank but is furious to hear that Gavin never told his family about them in 10 years, then gets a call from Gavin but nobody believes the call is from him.
[Regimental music]
[Waves roaring]
[Seagulls crying]
G. F. Gavin featherly.
Much as I hate to say this,
I'm afraid it looks like
Gavin may have drowned.
And it's all your
fault, brittas.
If it hadn't been for you,
Gavin would still be alive.
[Chimes ring]
Ah, there you are, Gavin,
been looking at you everywhere.
I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas,
I'm just using
Julie's tape recorder
staff meeting in
five minutes please.
Right.
That's rather nice, what is it?
It's Tibetan
chimes, Mr. Brittas,
it's a relaxation tape
that Mrs. Brittas led me.
She said at our last
counselling session
I needed to relax more.
You see, I've been a
bit depressed recently.
Have you?
Oh dear.
[Audience laughing]
Hang on, there
are two tapes there.
Yes, that's because
I'm recording it.
You're recording the
tape Mrs. Brittas lent you?
Well, yes, that way I'll
have a copy of my own.
I cannot believe I'm
hearing this, Gavin.
[Button clicks]
What?
A member of my own staff
openly committing a
crime on the premises.
I'm sorry?
My office, please, Gavin.
[Audience laughing]
Come on, sit down please.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Now, what does
it say on that box?
Unauthorised duplication
is a violation of
applicable laws.
Precisely.
Everybody does it, Mr. Brittas.
If everyone went around
killing people, Gavin,
would that make it
any less of a crime?
[Audience laughing]
Well, no, but-
now, I want you to do
the only decent thing.
What's that?
Confess.
What?
I want you to write to
this record company
[audience laughing]
And tell them that you've
made illicit recordings.
[Audience laughing]
You are joking, Mr. Brittas.
No I'm not, I want you to
clear your conscience, Gavin.
As my acting senior
deputy manager,
it's up to you to
set an example.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Right, item number 28.
The staff weekend away.
-[Staff groan]
-Oh, do we have to go?
Yes, we do, Julie.
As I've said before,
the staff weekend away
is an excellent opportunity
for us to bond together
in a non-work environment.
So, where we going
this year, New York?
Paris? Rome?
Burbage-on-sea.
-[Staff groan]
-Oh, not again!
We went there last
year, Mr. Brittas.
And the year before.
Burbage-on-sea
is a good, honest-
boring!
Beautiful English resort, Julie.
Right, now the
rooming arrangements.
I've spoken to Mrs. Mcginty,
I'm afraid she can only provide
six guest rooms this year,
so Tim, I was wondering
if it was possible
for you to share with Gavin,
-especially,
-[audience laughing]
Especially as he's
feeling a little bit depressed
at the moment, he could
probably do with the company.
I dare say I can grin
and bear it, Mr. Brittas.
[Audience laughing]
Good, right, now, we
leave after work on Friday,
which gives you plenty of time
to think about what
to take with you.
But just in case, I've
drawn up my usual checklist.
There it is, anorak, warm cardy,
spare sink plug.
I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Brittas,
I've been having a bit
of trouble with my lilo.
Sit down, please, Colin.
[Audience laughing]
You'll be pleased to know
that I got it working again,
and as far as I'm aware-
thank you, Colin.
It is the only lilo in the world
powered exclusively by potatoes.
[Audience laughing]
Sit down, please, Colin.
Right, spare sink plug,
potatoes?
[Audience laughing]
You just stick the
potatoes in, like this.
You mean, it actually
runs on potatoes?
That's right, Gavin,
king Edwards are,
generally speaking, the best,
you get 70 miles to
the pound from them.
-[Audience laughing]
-Amazing, Colin.
The first totally ecologically
sound motorboat.
Lilo, Linda, I
prefer the word lilo,
it has a gentler sound.
I like to think I can
lie back and relax
as it cruises gently
across the ocean.
[Steam hisses]
[Motorboat chugs]
[Audience laughing]
[Engine roars]
[Audience laughing]
That thing is lethal, Colin!
It must've been the
maris pipers, Mr. Brittas.
[Audience laughing]
Right, quick as you
can everyone, please.
Timothy!
Come on!
[Audience laughing]
Carole, what's all this?
It's my luggage, Mr. Brittas.
You're going away for the
weekend, not emigrating.
Yes Mr. Brittas.
Right, come on!
Mr. Brittas, can I have a
word please, Mr. Brittas?
Not now, Gavin, we're
running late as it is.
Mr. Brittas, this just
came in the post,
it's from the record company.
The one you told me to write to.
"Dear Mr. Featherly,
thank you for your letter.
As you know, the duplication
of prerecorded material
without prior consent
is strictly prohibited
under the copyright act of 1951.
We therefore require the
standard penalty payment-"
yes, yes, yes, 10,000
pounds, Mr. Brittas,
they're suing me 10 grand
for breach of copyright!
Oh dear.
Well, what am I gonna do?
You'll just have to
pay it, Gavin featherly.
-[Audience laughing]
-Come on!
Right, straight
to bed, everyone,
very early start in the morning,
I've booked the
crazy golf for 8:30!
10,000 pounds, where on
earth am I going to find 10 grand?
We'll have to sell the flat.
Oh, don't be daft.
I'll have to get a
second job, work nights.
They'll probably
drop the charges.
I mean, you're small fry.
It's not worth their
while taking you to court.
Court?
Oh my god.
[Audience laughing]
How do you find the defendant?
-Guilty!
-Guilty!
Guilty, guilty!
[All] Guilty, guilty,
guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!
Gavin featherly, you
have been found guilty
of the most wicked
and heinous crime.
I therefore recommend the
maximum possible sentence,
that you be taken from here
to a place of incarceration
for a minimum of 40
years psychotherapy
with Mrs. Helen brittas.
[Gavel bangs]
Please, I beg of
you, I'd rather die!
I'd rather die!
What'd you say?
Nothing.
I'm just gonna go
out for a moment,
get a breath of fresh air.
And I may be some time.
[Audience laughing]
[Waves rushing]
[Audience laughing]
[Audience laughing]
[Engine chugs]
[Audience laughing]
[Gordon] Relax, Tim, Gavin
probably just went for a swim.
What, for two days?
Look, I'm sure there's a
perfectly innocent explanation.
Here comes the
coast guard, Mr. Brittas.
No luck, Mr. Brittas, we
covered a radius of 30 miles.
All we found was this.
[Audience laughing]
[Gavin] I may be some time.
I'd rather die, I'd
rather die, I'd rather die.
I'd rather die.
Let's not get melodramatic, Tim.
[Audience laughing]
No, that's what
Gavin said, oh my god!
Look, don't start jumping
to any stupid conclusions.
Mr. Brittas, come quickly!
Come and see what
I've found on the beach!
G. F. Gavin featherly.
Much as I hate to say this,
I'm afraid it looks like
Gavin may have drowned.
Oh, of course, it all
makes sense now.
What do you mean?
Well, he was
depressed, Mr. Brittas,
and people do stupid things
when they're depressed.
Are you saying Gavin
deliberately drowned himself?
It was that letter from
the record company.
That was the final straw.
Oh god, he's killed
himself, he's killed himself!
Tim, we have no
evidence to support that.
I'm telling you,
he's killed himself,
and it's all your fault.
You make him write
to that record company.
If it hadn't been for
you, he'd still be alive.
It's all your fault!
[Linda screams]
[Audience laughing]
I have just broken the news
to Gavin's parents
over the phone,
and needless to say,
they were very distressed.
Especially when you
reversed the charges.
[Audience laughing]
This centre cannot afford
long distance phone calls,
Julie, especially to Fiji.
They have asked me to
make the funeral arrangements,
it will be Thursday afternoon,
2:30, at whitbury new church.
Did you say
funeral, Mr. Brittas?
As far as Gavin's
parents are concerned,
this is a funeral.
You see, it's an essential
part of the grieving process
to dispose of the body of a
loved one in a ritual manner.
We don't have a
body, Mr. Brittas.
You know that,
Carole, I know that,
but Gavin's parents don't.
[Audience laughing]
You mean you've lied to
Gavin's parents, Mr. Brittas?
I have learned by
experience, Colin,
that sometimes, and I
stress only sometimes,
we need to tell a small untruth
in the service of a higher goal,
in this case to help
Gavin's parents
through the grieving process.
Does the vicar know
we haven't got a body?
Actually. Linda, we'll be
taking the service ourselves.
Us, Mr. Brittas?
That's right, Colin, it's what
Gavin would have wanted.
His closest friends
and colleagues
holding a special
service for him,
and I'd like us all
to take a little part.
Linda, I'd like you to
lead the service, please.
Me?
Yes, it will be very good
for when you go to
theological college.
Gosh, a funeral, me!
I've only ever done my
nephew's christening.
Still, I suppose a funeral
will be more or less the same.
[Audience laughing]
I'd imagine you might
have to change the
words a bit, Linda.
Carole, I'd like you to
play something for us.
Play?
A hymn, or something.
Oh, I'm afraid I haven't
played for a long,
I'd be delighted.
[Audience laughing]
Well done, Carole,
Colin, I'd like you to make
a contribution, please.
I don't think it would
be right, Mr. Brittas.
What do you mean?
Well, Gavin and I never
exactly saw eye to eye.
For me to partake in the
ceremony would be, well,
hypocritical, to say the least.
Colin weatherby,
I'm surprised at you.
I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas,
it's just the way I feel.
Carole.
Mrs. Brittas?
I can't believe it.
I know.
Here one minute, gone the next.
Yes.
He was so kind.
Please don't.
Considerate.
I mean he had his off
days, like anyone else,
but his heart was
in the right place.
I'm gonna miss him, Ms. Brittas!
Me too!
[Both sobbing]
D'you know, he could always tell
when I was feeling a bit low?
He'd come over and rub
himself up against me.
[Audience laughing]
Really?
Place his wet nose in my lap.
[Audience laughing]
Wet nose?
His big, floppy ears
dangling all over the place.
Floppy ears, Gavin?
Gavin?
I'm talking about Winston!
Who's Winston?
Our pet cocker spaniel.
[Carole gasps]
I found him in his
basket this morning.
He'd just passed
away in his sleep.
[Both sobbing]
Oak, mahogany or plastic?
[Audience laughing]
Pardon?
The coffin, I've got the
funeral parlour on the line.
They want to know
which sort you want.
Julie, who's paying
for this funeral?
Gavin's parents.
And what did I tell you
about Gavin's parents?
I can't remember, he's an
army colonel or something.
A retired army colonel.
Therefore, they'll be
living off his pension.
Therefore, he won't thank
us for spending a fortune
on Gavin's funeral.
Let's keep costs down, shall we?
[Audience laughing]
[Funerary organ music]
What on earth is that?
[Audience laughing]
Carole!
Turn it down, Carole!
Carole!
[Audience laughing]
Mr. Brittas.
What is that racket, Carole?
That racket, Mr. Brittas,
is my "laudate gavinum".
-[Audience laughing]
-What?
It is my requiem mass
that I've composed
especially for Gavin's funeral.
I thought we agreed, Carole,
if I let you bring
this equipment in,
it was to be used sensibly.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Keep it down.
[Audience laughing]
[Keyboard keys jangling]
[Audience laughing]
Sorry, Mr. Brittas.
I got up this morning
and the bed was empty.
Yes.
I went into the bathroom,
and there's his
toothbrush in the cup.
And that silly daffy duck thing
he used to take
in the bath with him
was just lying
there on the floor.
I really, really miss him.
He would have died anyway.
[Audience laughing]
What?
He was 17 and he'd been
arthritic for a long time.
[Audience laughing]
What are you talking about?
What?
Oh, I know, it must've
been awful for you,
but you must allow your
feelings, let yourself grieve.
The awful thing
is it's all my fault.
No, no, it's all my fault.
I should never have
given him those prawns.
[Audience laughing]
They were four days
past the sell-by date!
[Audience laughing]
No, you don't understand!
I was the one who wrote the
letter from the record company.
It was just a practical joke
to teach Gavin a lesson
and stop him being
such a slave to brittas.
And then he goes and kills
himself all because of me.
There, there.
Blaming yourself,
[audience laughing]
It's just a way
of avoiding pain.
But it's Mr. Brittas I'm
putting all the blame on!
Come to think of it,
it was Gordon's fault.
He found those prawns
in the reduced to clear bin.
[Audience laughing]
Size? Oh, how the
heck should I know?
Just make it the cheapest
you've got, right, bye.
Poor Gavin, 36
years on this planet,
and you end up in a formica box.
[Audience laughing]
Still, don't expect you
care now, wherever you are.
[Engine roaring]
[Audience laughing]
Oh, merci!
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Audience laughing]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Sailors laugh]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Audience laughing]
Pirates?
Oh, god!
[Gordon whistles]
Oh, Gordon, can I have a word?
Can't stop now, my darling,
gotta interview someone
for Gavin's job.
Could you just have a quick look
at these brochures?
What's this? Pet cemeteries?
There's one just
outside whitbury.
It's got it's own little church,
you get a proper service,
and for an extra hundred pounds,
Winston could have his own
lamppost in the memorial garden.
[Audience laughing]
My darling, I've got rather
more important things
to think about than
a pet that's just died.
How can you say that?
Winston was a friend,
a member of the family.
Winston was a loving,
affectionate animal, Helen.
At least he was to
you and the children.
[Audience laughing]
But at the end of the
day, he was only a dog.
If you'll excuse
me, I must get on.
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailors laughing]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Audience laughing]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Audience laughing]
Mr. Brittas!
Not now, Colin,
I've gotta collect Gavin's
parents from the station,
I'm running late as it is.
Mr. Brittas, I just
wanted to say
that I've had a bit of a think,
and I would like to do
something for Gavin's funeral.
Oh, I'm glad you've seen
sense at last, Mr. Weatherby.
If it's okay with you,
I'd like to dig the grave.
[Audience laughing]
Dig the grave?
Yes, you see, by burying Gavin,
it's a bit like burying
the hatchet, as it were,
letting bygones be bygones.
Well, I suppose
that's something-
[gravel clatters]
[Audience laughing]
What the flaming
heck's going on?
Helen, what are you doing?
I'm digging a hole, what
does it look like I'm doing?
You can't just dig
up council property.
Well, it was either that,
or your vegetable patch,
and I didn't think you'd
be very happy about that.
What are you digging
a hole for, anyway?
I'm burying Winston.
[Audience laughing]
Will you please take that
animal down to the vet
and let him dispose of him?
But i-
now!
[Audience laughing]
He's a lovely little
fellow, isn't he?
Take him to the vet, honestly!
I mean, why don't I
just shove him in a skip
and be done with it!
Why don't you give
him to me, Mrs. Brittas?
What?
I'll make sure Winston
has a lovely send-off.
Really?
No, thank you.
[Audience laughing]
Colonel and Mrs.
Featherly, please do come in.
Take a seat.
Thank you.
Julie, coffee please.
[Julie] I'm busy!
It's for Gavin's parents.
[Julie] Oh, why
didn't you say so?
[Audience laughing]
I'm sorry, I forgot to
ask, how was the flight?
Wearying, to say the least.
22 hours is a long time.
Yes, still, there's the
in-flight entertainment.
[Audience laughing]
Did they show a movie?
I expect so, my mind
wasn't really on it.
"It's a wonderful life",
I know because it
was Gavin's favourite.
[Audience laughing]
Now, now, enid.
I still can't believe
it's happened. [Sobs]
Neither can his
brother and sisters.
Brother and sisters?
Gavin never told me.
Oh, one brother and two sisters,
scattered all over the world.
There's Sally in
Tokyo, Alice in Brussels
and Peter in Zambia.
And they'll all
be at the funeral.
Oh, it'll be lovely
to see Peter again,
we haven't seen him in years.
Funny how it takes a tragedy
to bring the family together.
All right, enid.
Thank you, Julie.
Can't believe how
you snubbed Peter,
just because he
wouldn't go in the army.
The featherly tradition
has always been-
damn your tradition!
Coffee?
Because of your tradition,
we haven't seen
Peter in 15 years.
Black or white?
Enid, you're being hysterical!
And if Gavin hadn't died,
we probably never would
have seen him again.
[Audience laughing]
Biccy?
No thanks.
Very wise, too much
sugar can kill you.
[Audience laughing]
I took the Liberty of
clearing out Gavin's locker.
I thought you might
like some of his things.
That's very kind.
There's his uniform, his mug,
and staff duty rosters going
all the way back to 1991.
[Enid sobs]
Sorry, did I say
something wrong?
Seeing his belongings,
it brings it all back.
-[Soft knocking]
-Come in.
Mr. Brittas, I heard
Gavin's parents were here
so I thought.
[Enid sobs]
Are you okay?
What does it look like, Tim?
Hello, Mrs. Featherly.
Oh, hello
I'm really, really sorry.
Thank you.
I miss him too.
In fact, there's not
a second goes by
I don't think about him
you and he must have
been great friends.
[Audience laughing]
Well, I'm Tim.
You must have read
about me in Gavin's letters?
Tim?
I remember there was a Colin,
and a Carole, and Linda.
And Julie.
[Audience laughing]
We are gathered here today-
I hate him!
Who?
Gavin, I hope he rots in hell!
That's a terrible thing to say!
It's meant to be.
I've just been with Gavin's
parents and, d'you know,
they've never even heard of me.
10 years we've been together,
and not once has he
mentioned me in his letters.
He said he told
them all about us,
liar, I could kill him!
Tim, Gavin's gone now
and nothing's going
to bring him back.
[Tim sobs]
[Phone rings]
Hello?
[Gavin] Tim?
Gavin?
Tim, you've gotta help me!
Gavin, is that you?
Look, I haven't
got a lot of time.
Oh, Gavin, where are you?
On a pirate ship.
-On a what?
-[Audience laughing]
I can't explain right now-
[sailor speaks French]
Gavin? Gavin, hello?
My word, Gavin never told
us that this centre was so big.
Oh, it's big,
and he did very well
to work his way up
to senior deputy manager,
you should be very proud of him.
Mr. Brittas, Mr. Brittas,
can I have a word
please, Mr. Brittas?
Excuse me.
Tim, I'm taking colonel
and Mrs. Featherly
round the centre.
I must speak to you
now, it's very urgent.
What is it?
In private, please.
Please, do excuse me.
[Audience laughing]
Now, I don't know how to
break this to Gavin's parents,
but I think we should
do it very, very gently.
Break what to them?
Gavin's still alive!
-What?
-He called just now,
I spoke to him.
Everything all right?
Fine, thanks!
[Audience laughing]
He called just now, where is he?
On a pirate ship.
On a pirate?
[Audience laughing]
Of course he is, Tim.
Was it flying the jolly Roger?
Did captain hook make
him walk the plank?
Oh, you don't
believe me, do you?
Tim, look, you've been
through an awful lot.
I think you should go
down to the rest room,
put the kettle on,
have a nice cup of tea
and have a nice lie down.
But I'm telling you the truth!
Go!
-[Guns firing]
-[Men yelling]
[Gavin shrieks]
You okay, buddy?
Who are you?
Interpol, we've been
after this lot for years.
[Audience laughing]
Right, Gavin's parents
are waiting, let's go.
Mr. Brittas, Mr. Brittas,
I implore you
to call this thing off.
Not now, Tim, go
and get changed.
Mr. Brittas,
Gavin is still alive.
He is on a pirate ship, why
won't anyone believe me?
I believe you, Tim.
Oh, do you?
Only last I'd heard, he'd
been captured by vikings.
[Audience laughing]
[Gordon laughs]
For god's sake.
Mr. Brittas, I am warning you,
if you don't go out there
and tell Gavin's parents,
I'll do it myself.
Linda.
[Tim groans]
Are all these people for Gavin?
Don't sound so surprised, Linda,
Gavin had a lot of friends.
Oh, there's Sally and Alice!
And Peter!
Peter, oh my god, Peter!
Hello, mum!
[Enid sobs]
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
You too.
Hello, dad.
Hello, Peter.
Good to see you, my boy.
Sorry to interrupt,
but if you'd like to make
your way through now, please.
[Audience laughing]
We'd like to go in
with Gavin, if we may.
Yes, of course.
Could you get it out now please?
[Audience laughing]
[Audience laughing]
Julie, what's going on?
Oh heck, well, you
said get the cheapest.
Is this some kind of
a joke, Mr. Brittas?
Actually, I can explain.
You'd better.
He shrunk in the water.
[Audience laughing]
What?
Julie!
The truth is, colonel featherly-
we only found part of him.
Part of him?
He'd been tossed
onto the rocks, you see.
Oh my god!
Hadn't the heart to tell you.
It's all right, I understand.
Home sweet home, eh?
[Audience laughing]
Yes, thanks for the lift.
How do you feel?
I'm just glad to
be back, really,
that's all, just
glad to be back.
Funny, when I phoned
earlier, there was no reply.
Probably all gone to a party.
[Audience laughing]
Yes.
[Audience laughing]
[Spade scraping]
[Pick clangs]
That's my gift to you, Gavin,
rest in peace, my friend.
[Audience laughing]
[Water trickling]
[Audience laughing]
Anyone there?
-[Chains rattle]
-Help!
-Help!
-[Audience laughing]
[Gavin] Excuse me?
And now, to end our service,
Carole Parkinson will
play her own composition
in tribute to Gavin's memory,
entitled "laudate gavinum".
[Funerary organ music]
[Electricity crackles]
[Audience laughing]
[Audience laughing]
Lord, bless the soul
of Gavin featherly.
Let us return his
body to the earth.
Dust to dust, ashes to ashes.
Gordon?
Not now, my darling.
It seems to be rising.
What?
The coffin.
[Audience laughing]
[Water rushing]
[Audience laughing]
Oh, my god, it's-
a dog!
What the devil's
going on, brittas?
I wish I knew,
colonel featherly!
Colin?
I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas,
I just thought,
as it was free, it seemed
a shame to waste it.
What do you mean, free?
Look, I can explain, you see-
[Gavin] Hello, Mr. Brittas.
[Enid and Peter] Gavin?
Peter, dad, mum, Alice,
what're you all doing here?
They've all come here
for a funeral, Gavin.
Oh, I'm sorry, anyone I know?
[Audience laughing]
[Regimental music]
[Waves roaring]
[Seagulls crying]
G. F. Gavin featherly.
Much as I hate to say this,
I'm afraid it looks like
Gavin may have drowned.
And it's all your
fault, brittas.
If it hadn't been for you,
Gavin would still be alive.
[Chimes ring]
Ah, there you are, Gavin,
been looking at you everywhere.
I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas,
I'm just using
Julie's tape recorder
staff meeting in
five minutes please.
Right.
That's rather nice, what is it?
It's Tibetan
chimes, Mr. Brittas,
it's a relaxation tape
that Mrs. Brittas led me.
She said at our last
counselling session
I needed to relax more.
You see, I've been a
bit depressed recently.
Have you?
Oh dear.
[Audience laughing]
Hang on, there
are two tapes there.
Yes, that's because
I'm recording it.
You're recording the
tape Mrs. Brittas lent you?
Well, yes, that way I'll
have a copy of my own.
I cannot believe I'm
hearing this, Gavin.
[Button clicks]
What?
A member of my own staff
openly committing a
crime on the premises.
I'm sorry?
My office, please, Gavin.
[Audience laughing]
Come on, sit down please.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Now, what does
it say on that box?
Unauthorised duplication
is a violation of
applicable laws.
Precisely.
Everybody does it, Mr. Brittas.
If everyone went around
killing people, Gavin,
would that make it
any less of a crime?
[Audience laughing]
Well, no, but-
now, I want you to do
the only decent thing.
What's that?
Confess.
What?
I want you to write to
this record company
[audience laughing]
And tell them that you've
made illicit recordings.
[Audience laughing]
You are joking, Mr. Brittas.
No I'm not, I want you to
clear your conscience, Gavin.
As my acting senior
deputy manager,
it's up to you to
set an example.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Right, item number 28.
The staff weekend away.
-[Staff groan]
-Oh, do we have to go?
Yes, we do, Julie.
As I've said before,
the staff weekend away
is an excellent opportunity
for us to bond together
in a non-work environment.
So, where we going
this year, New York?
Paris? Rome?
Burbage-on-sea.
-[Staff groan]
-Oh, not again!
We went there last
year, Mr. Brittas.
And the year before.
Burbage-on-sea
is a good, honest-
boring!
Beautiful English resort, Julie.
Right, now the
rooming arrangements.
I've spoken to Mrs. Mcginty,
I'm afraid she can only provide
six guest rooms this year,
so Tim, I was wondering
if it was possible
for you to share with Gavin,
-especially,
-[audience laughing]
Especially as he's
feeling a little bit depressed
at the moment, he could
probably do with the company.
I dare say I can grin
and bear it, Mr. Brittas.
[Audience laughing]
Good, right, now, we
leave after work on Friday,
which gives you plenty of time
to think about what
to take with you.
But just in case, I've
drawn up my usual checklist.
There it is, anorak, warm cardy,
spare sink plug.
I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Brittas,
I've been having a bit
of trouble with my lilo.
Sit down, please, Colin.
[Audience laughing]
You'll be pleased to know
that I got it working again,
and as far as I'm aware-
thank you, Colin.
It is the only lilo in the world
powered exclusively by potatoes.
[Audience laughing]
Sit down, please, Colin.
Right, spare sink plug,
potatoes?
[Audience laughing]
You just stick the
potatoes in, like this.
You mean, it actually
runs on potatoes?
That's right, Gavin,
king Edwards are,
generally speaking, the best,
you get 70 miles to
the pound from them.
-[Audience laughing]
-Amazing, Colin.
The first totally ecologically
sound motorboat.
Lilo, Linda, I
prefer the word lilo,
it has a gentler sound.
I like to think I can
lie back and relax
as it cruises gently
across the ocean.
[Steam hisses]
[Motorboat chugs]
[Audience laughing]
[Engine roars]
[Audience laughing]
That thing is lethal, Colin!
It must've been the
maris pipers, Mr. Brittas.
[Audience laughing]
Right, quick as you
can everyone, please.
Timothy!
Come on!
[Audience laughing]
Carole, what's all this?
It's my luggage, Mr. Brittas.
You're going away for the
weekend, not emigrating.
Yes Mr. Brittas.
Right, come on!
Mr. Brittas, can I have a
word please, Mr. Brittas?
Not now, Gavin, we're
running late as it is.
Mr. Brittas, this just
came in the post,
it's from the record company.
The one you told me to write to.
"Dear Mr. Featherly,
thank you for your letter.
As you know, the duplication
of prerecorded material
without prior consent
is strictly prohibited
under the copyright act of 1951.
We therefore require the
standard penalty payment-"
yes, yes, yes, 10,000
pounds, Mr. Brittas,
they're suing me 10 grand
for breach of copyright!
Oh dear.
Well, what am I gonna do?
You'll just have to
pay it, Gavin featherly.
-[Audience laughing]
-Come on!
Right, straight
to bed, everyone,
very early start in the morning,
I've booked the
crazy golf for 8:30!
10,000 pounds, where on
earth am I going to find 10 grand?
We'll have to sell the flat.
Oh, don't be daft.
I'll have to get a
second job, work nights.
They'll probably
drop the charges.
I mean, you're small fry.
It's not worth their
while taking you to court.
Court?
Oh my god.
[Audience laughing]
How do you find the defendant?
-Guilty!
-Guilty!
Guilty, guilty!
[All] Guilty, guilty,
guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!
Gavin featherly, you
have been found guilty
of the most wicked
and heinous crime.
I therefore recommend the
maximum possible sentence,
that you be taken from here
to a place of incarceration
for a minimum of 40
years psychotherapy
with Mrs. Helen brittas.
[Gavel bangs]
Please, I beg of
you, I'd rather die!
I'd rather die!
What'd you say?
Nothing.
I'm just gonna go
out for a moment,
get a breath of fresh air.
And I may be some time.
[Audience laughing]
[Waves rushing]
[Audience laughing]
[Audience laughing]
[Engine chugs]
[Audience laughing]
[Gordon] Relax, Tim, Gavin
probably just went for a swim.
What, for two days?
Look, I'm sure there's a
perfectly innocent explanation.
Here comes the
coast guard, Mr. Brittas.
No luck, Mr. Brittas, we
covered a radius of 30 miles.
All we found was this.
[Audience laughing]
[Gavin] I may be some time.
I'd rather die, I'd
rather die, I'd rather die.
I'd rather die.
Let's not get melodramatic, Tim.
[Audience laughing]
No, that's what
Gavin said, oh my god!
Look, don't start jumping
to any stupid conclusions.
Mr. Brittas, come quickly!
Come and see what
I've found on the beach!
G. F. Gavin featherly.
Much as I hate to say this,
I'm afraid it looks like
Gavin may have drowned.
Oh, of course, it all
makes sense now.
What do you mean?
Well, he was
depressed, Mr. Brittas,
and people do stupid things
when they're depressed.
Are you saying Gavin
deliberately drowned himself?
It was that letter from
the record company.
That was the final straw.
Oh god, he's killed
himself, he's killed himself!
Tim, we have no
evidence to support that.
I'm telling you,
he's killed himself,
and it's all your fault.
You make him write
to that record company.
If it hadn't been for
you, he'd still be alive.
It's all your fault!
[Linda screams]
[Audience laughing]
I have just broken the news
to Gavin's parents
over the phone,
and needless to say,
they were very distressed.
Especially when you
reversed the charges.
[Audience laughing]
This centre cannot afford
long distance phone calls,
Julie, especially to Fiji.
They have asked me to
make the funeral arrangements,
it will be Thursday afternoon,
2:30, at whitbury new church.
Did you say
funeral, Mr. Brittas?
As far as Gavin's
parents are concerned,
this is a funeral.
You see, it's an essential
part of the grieving process
to dispose of the body of a
loved one in a ritual manner.
We don't have a
body, Mr. Brittas.
You know that,
Carole, I know that,
but Gavin's parents don't.
[Audience laughing]
You mean you've lied to
Gavin's parents, Mr. Brittas?
I have learned by
experience, Colin,
that sometimes, and I
stress only sometimes,
we need to tell a small untruth
in the service of a higher goal,
in this case to help
Gavin's parents
through the grieving process.
Does the vicar know
we haven't got a body?
Actually. Linda, we'll be
taking the service ourselves.
Us, Mr. Brittas?
That's right, Colin, it's what
Gavin would have wanted.
His closest friends
and colleagues
holding a special
service for him,
and I'd like us all
to take a little part.
Linda, I'd like you to
lead the service, please.
Me?
Yes, it will be very good
for when you go to
theological college.
Gosh, a funeral, me!
I've only ever done my
nephew's christening.
Still, I suppose a funeral
will be more or less the same.
[Audience laughing]
I'd imagine you might
have to change the
words a bit, Linda.
Carole, I'd like you to
play something for us.
Play?
A hymn, or something.
Oh, I'm afraid I haven't
played for a long,
I'd be delighted.
[Audience laughing]
Well done, Carole,
Colin, I'd like you to make
a contribution, please.
I don't think it would
be right, Mr. Brittas.
What do you mean?
Well, Gavin and I never
exactly saw eye to eye.
For me to partake in the
ceremony would be, well,
hypocritical, to say the least.
Colin weatherby,
I'm surprised at you.
I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas,
it's just the way I feel.
Carole.
Mrs. Brittas?
I can't believe it.
I know.
Here one minute, gone the next.
Yes.
He was so kind.
Please don't.
Considerate.
I mean he had his off
days, like anyone else,
but his heart was
in the right place.
I'm gonna miss him, Ms. Brittas!
Me too!
[Both sobbing]
D'you know, he could always tell
when I was feeling a bit low?
He'd come over and rub
himself up against me.
[Audience laughing]
Really?
Place his wet nose in my lap.
[Audience laughing]
Wet nose?
His big, floppy ears
dangling all over the place.
Floppy ears, Gavin?
Gavin?
I'm talking about Winston!
Who's Winston?
Our pet cocker spaniel.
[Carole gasps]
I found him in his
basket this morning.
He'd just passed
away in his sleep.
[Both sobbing]
Oak, mahogany or plastic?
[Audience laughing]
Pardon?
The coffin, I've got the
funeral parlour on the line.
They want to know
which sort you want.
Julie, who's paying
for this funeral?
Gavin's parents.
And what did I tell you
about Gavin's parents?
I can't remember, he's an
army colonel or something.
A retired army colonel.
Therefore, they'll be
living off his pension.
Therefore, he won't thank
us for spending a fortune
on Gavin's funeral.
Let's keep costs down, shall we?
[Audience laughing]
[Funerary organ music]
What on earth is that?
[Audience laughing]
Carole!
Turn it down, Carole!
Carole!
[Audience laughing]
Mr. Brittas.
What is that racket, Carole?
That racket, Mr. Brittas,
is my "laudate gavinum".
-[Audience laughing]
-What?
It is my requiem mass
that I've composed
especially for Gavin's funeral.
I thought we agreed, Carole,
if I let you bring
this equipment in,
it was to be used sensibly.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Keep it down.
[Audience laughing]
[Keyboard keys jangling]
[Audience laughing]
Sorry, Mr. Brittas.
I got up this morning
and the bed was empty.
Yes.
I went into the bathroom,
and there's his
toothbrush in the cup.
And that silly daffy duck thing
he used to take
in the bath with him
was just lying
there on the floor.
I really, really miss him.
He would have died anyway.
[Audience laughing]
What?
He was 17 and he'd been
arthritic for a long time.
[Audience laughing]
What are you talking about?
What?
Oh, I know, it must've
been awful for you,
but you must allow your
feelings, let yourself grieve.
The awful thing
is it's all my fault.
No, no, it's all my fault.
I should never have
given him those prawns.
[Audience laughing]
They were four days
past the sell-by date!
[Audience laughing]
No, you don't understand!
I was the one who wrote the
letter from the record company.
It was just a practical joke
to teach Gavin a lesson
and stop him being
such a slave to brittas.
And then he goes and kills
himself all because of me.
There, there.
Blaming yourself,
[audience laughing]
It's just a way
of avoiding pain.
But it's Mr. Brittas I'm
putting all the blame on!
Come to think of it,
it was Gordon's fault.
He found those prawns
in the reduced to clear bin.
[Audience laughing]
Size? Oh, how the
heck should I know?
Just make it the cheapest
you've got, right, bye.
Poor Gavin, 36
years on this planet,
and you end up in a formica box.
[Audience laughing]
Still, don't expect you
care now, wherever you are.
[Engine roaring]
[Audience laughing]
Oh, merci!
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Audience laughing]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Sailors laugh]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Audience laughing]
Pirates?
Oh, god!
[Gordon whistles]
Oh, Gordon, can I have a word?
Can't stop now, my darling,
gotta interview someone
for Gavin's job.
Could you just have a quick look
at these brochures?
What's this? Pet cemeteries?
There's one just
outside whitbury.
It's got it's own little church,
you get a proper service,
and for an extra hundred pounds,
Winston could have his own
lamppost in the memorial garden.
[Audience laughing]
My darling, I've got rather
more important things
to think about than
a pet that's just died.
How can you say that?
Winston was a friend,
a member of the family.
Winston was a loving,
affectionate animal, Helen.
At least he was to
you and the children.
[Audience laughing]
But at the end of the
day, he was only a dog.
If you'll excuse
me, I must get on.
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailors laughing]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Audience laughing]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Gavin speaks French]
[Sailor speaks French]
[Audience laughing]
Mr. Brittas!
Not now, Colin,
I've gotta collect Gavin's
parents from the station,
I'm running late as it is.
Mr. Brittas, I just
wanted to say
that I've had a bit of a think,
and I would like to do
something for Gavin's funeral.
Oh, I'm glad you've seen
sense at last, Mr. Weatherby.
If it's okay with you,
I'd like to dig the grave.
[Audience laughing]
Dig the grave?
Yes, you see, by burying Gavin,
it's a bit like burying
the hatchet, as it were,
letting bygones be bygones.
Well, I suppose
that's something-
[gravel clatters]
[Audience laughing]
What the flaming
heck's going on?
Helen, what are you doing?
I'm digging a hole, what
does it look like I'm doing?
You can't just dig
up council property.
Well, it was either that,
or your vegetable patch,
and I didn't think you'd
be very happy about that.
What are you digging
a hole for, anyway?
I'm burying Winston.
[Audience laughing]
Will you please take that
animal down to the vet
and let him dispose of him?
But i-
now!
[Audience laughing]
He's a lovely little
fellow, isn't he?
Take him to the vet, honestly!
I mean, why don't I
just shove him in a skip
and be done with it!
Why don't you give
him to me, Mrs. Brittas?
What?
I'll make sure Winston
has a lovely send-off.
Really?
No, thank you.
[Audience laughing]
Colonel and Mrs.
Featherly, please do come in.
Take a seat.
Thank you.
Julie, coffee please.
[Julie] I'm busy!
It's for Gavin's parents.
[Julie] Oh, why
didn't you say so?
[Audience laughing]
I'm sorry, I forgot to
ask, how was the flight?
Wearying, to say the least.
22 hours is a long time.
Yes, still, there's the
in-flight entertainment.
[Audience laughing]
Did they show a movie?
I expect so, my mind
wasn't really on it.
"It's a wonderful life",
I know because it
was Gavin's favourite.
[Audience laughing]
Now, now, enid.
I still can't believe
it's happened. [Sobs]
Neither can his
brother and sisters.
Brother and sisters?
Gavin never told me.
Oh, one brother and two sisters,
scattered all over the world.
There's Sally in
Tokyo, Alice in Brussels
and Peter in Zambia.
And they'll all
be at the funeral.
Oh, it'll be lovely
to see Peter again,
we haven't seen him in years.
Funny how it takes a tragedy
to bring the family together.
All right, enid.
Thank you, Julie.
Can't believe how
you snubbed Peter,
just because he
wouldn't go in the army.
The featherly tradition
has always been-
damn your tradition!
Coffee?
Because of your tradition,
we haven't seen
Peter in 15 years.
Black or white?
Enid, you're being hysterical!
And if Gavin hadn't died,
we probably never would
have seen him again.
[Audience laughing]
Biccy?
No thanks.
Very wise, too much
sugar can kill you.
[Audience laughing]
I took the Liberty of
clearing out Gavin's locker.
I thought you might
like some of his things.
That's very kind.
There's his uniform, his mug,
and staff duty rosters going
all the way back to 1991.
[Enid sobs]
Sorry, did I say
something wrong?
Seeing his belongings,
it brings it all back.
-[Soft knocking]
-Come in.
Mr. Brittas, I heard
Gavin's parents were here
so I thought.
[Enid sobs]
Are you okay?
What does it look like, Tim?
Hello, Mrs. Featherly.
Oh, hello
I'm really, really sorry.
Thank you.
I miss him too.
In fact, there's not
a second goes by
I don't think about him
you and he must have
been great friends.
[Audience laughing]
Well, I'm Tim.
You must have read
about me in Gavin's letters?
Tim?
I remember there was a Colin,
and a Carole, and Linda.
And Julie.
[Audience laughing]
We are gathered here today-
I hate him!
Who?
Gavin, I hope he rots in hell!
That's a terrible thing to say!
It's meant to be.
I've just been with Gavin's
parents and, d'you know,
they've never even heard of me.
10 years we've been together,
and not once has he
mentioned me in his letters.
He said he told
them all about us,
liar, I could kill him!
Tim, Gavin's gone now
and nothing's going
to bring him back.
[Tim sobs]
[Phone rings]
Hello?
[Gavin] Tim?
Gavin?
Tim, you've gotta help me!
Gavin, is that you?
Look, I haven't
got a lot of time.
Oh, Gavin, where are you?
On a pirate ship.
-On a what?
-[Audience laughing]
I can't explain right now-
[sailor speaks French]
Gavin? Gavin, hello?
My word, Gavin never told
us that this centre was so big.
Oh, it's big,
and he did very well
to work his way up
to senior deputy manager,
you should be very proud of him.
Mr. Brittas, Mr. Brittas,
can I have a word
please, Mr. Brittas?
Excuse me.
Tim, I'm taking colonel
and Mrs. Featherly
round the centre.
I must speak to you
now, it's very urgent.
What is it?
In private, please.
Please, do excuse me.
[Audience laughing]
Now, I don't know how to
break this to Gavin's parents,
but I think we should
do it very, very gently.
Break what to them?
Gavin's still alive!
-What?
-He called just now,
I spoke to him.
Everything all right?
Fine, thanks!
[Audience laughing]
He called just now, where is he?
On a pirate ship.
On a pirate?
[Audience laughing]
Of course he is, Tim.
Was it flying the jolly Roger?
Did captain hook make
him walk the plank?
Oh, you don't
believe me, do you?
Tim, look, you've been
through an awful lot.
I think you should go
down to the rest room,
put the kettle on,
have a nice cup of tea
and have a nice lie down.
But I'm telling you the truth!
Go!
-[Guns firing]
-[Men yelling]
[Gavin shrieks]
You okay, buddy?
Who are you?
Interpol, we've been
after this lot for years.
[Audience laughing]
Right, Gavin's parents
are waiting, let's go.
Mr. Brittas, Mr. Brittas,
I implore you
to call this thing off.
Not now, Tim, go
and get changed.
Mr. Brittas,
Gavin is still alive.
He is on a pirate ship, why
won't anyone believe me?
I believe you, Tim.
Oh, do you?
Only last I'd heard, he'd
been captured by vikings.
[Audience laughing]
[Gordon laughs]
For god's sake.
Mr. Brittas, I am warning you,
if you don't go out there
and tell Gavin's parents,
I'll do it myself.
Linda.
[Tim groans]
Are all these people for Gavin?
Don't sound so surprised, Linda,
Gavin had a lot of friends.
Oh, there's Sally and Alice!
And Peter!
Peter, oh my god, Peter!
Hello, mum!
[Enid sobs]
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
You too.
Hello, dad.
Hello, Peter.
Good to see you, my boy.
Sorry to interrupt,
but if you'd like to make
your way through now, please.
[Audience laughing]
We'd like to go in
with Gavin, if we may.
Yes, of course.
Could you get it out now please?
[Audience laughing]
[Audience laughing]
Julie, what's going on?
Oh heck, well, you
said get the cheapest.
Is this some kind of
a joke, Mr. Brittas?
Actually, I can explain.
You'd better.
He shrunk in the water.
[Audience laughing]
What?
Julie!
The truth is, colonel featherly-
we only found part of him.
Part of him?
He'd been tossed
onto the rocks, you see.
Oh my god!
Hadn't the heart to tell you.
It's all right, I understand.
Home sweet home, eh?
[Audience laughing]
Yes, thanks for the lift.
How do you feel?
I'm just glad to
be back, really,
that's all, just
glad to be back.
Funny, when I phoned
earlier, there was no reply.
Probably all gone to a party.
[Audience laughing]
Yes.
[Audience laughing]
[Spade scraping]
[Pick clangs]
That's my gift to you, Gavin,
rest in peace, my friend.
[Audience laughing]
[Water trickling]
[Audience laughing]
Anyone there?
-[Chains rattle]
-Help!
-Help!
-[Audience laughing]
[Gavin] Excuse me?
And now, to end our service,
Carole Parkinson will
play her own composition
in tribute to Gavin's memory,
entitled "laudate gavinum".
[Funerary organ music]
[Electricity crackles]
[Audience laughing]
[Audience laughing]
Lord, bless the soul
of Gavin featherly.
Let us return his
body to the earth.
Dust to dust, ashes to ashes.
Gordon?
Not now, my darling.
It seems to be rising.
What?
The coffin.
[Audience laughing]
[Water rushing]
[Audience laughing]
Oh, my god, it's-
a dog!
What the devil's
going on, brittas?
I wish I knew,
colonel featherly!
Colin?
I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas,
I just thought,
as it was free, it seemed
a shame to waste it.
What do you mean, free?
Look, I can explain, you see-
[Gavin] Hello, Mr. Brittas.
[Enid and Peter] Gavin?
Peter, dad, mum, Alice,
what're you all doing here?
They've all come here
for a funeral, Gavin.
Oh, I'm sorry, anyone I know?
[Audience laughing]
[Regimental music]