The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Disappearing Act - full transcript

[The brittas empire theme music]

It's a primary principle of
human resource management.

What is?

I, I, I, I, I.

Pardon?

Individualised incentives
inculcate inherit instability,

I, I, I, I, I.

[Audience laughing]

You've lost me, Gordon.

What I'm saying Jack is,
this employee of the month

competition is not conducive
to good team building.



Pitting one member
of staff against another

introduces unhealthy competition

to an otherwise happy team.

And what for?

A weekend in Paris.

You're missing the point, Jack.

The point is, Gordon, I'm
coming in tomorrow afternoon

to present the prize,

so it's make your mind up time.

Anyway, from what I can
tell the competition's been

a big success.

Everyone has been
spurred on to greater efforts.

I know you didn't ask for it,

but I thought I'd
bring you some tea.



Must be thirsty work
making decisions.

That's very kind, Julie.

I know.

And I typed out the contract
for the birthday party package.

Right.

Ah yes, now that was
Gavin's idea wasn't it?

No, not really.

He may have thought of it,
but I'm the one who developed it

to its present
operational status.

Yes, but it's my niece.

I've added quite a
few touches myself

'cause I'm a hands-on secretary.

Right, thank you, Julie.

Do you mind, I'm trying
to be nice to the councillor?

See, as a mother
myself, I think I know

what a kiddie wants
from a birthday treat

and I think you'll
find, councillor...

Oh, Julie.

I'm the one who's
judging the competition.

Oh, forget it then.

[Audience laughing]

Welcome to whitbury
new town leisure centre.

How may I help you?

Carol, are you free to...

Bienvenue, a la leisure
centre De whitbury new town.

Comment puis je vous aider?

Why are you speaking
French, Carol?

Francais, madame brittas?

Oh, merde alors,
there I go again.

I've been learning
French for three weeks

and I'm practically bilingual.

I just keep slipping in and
out of it, comme-ci comme-ca,

oh, there I go again.

You're another one trying to win

this weekend in
Paris aren't you?

Moi?

Certainement, non.

[Audience laughing]

No, no I'm trying
to improve myself,

I have ambitions Mrs. Brittas.

I European aspirations

and I'm doing lingual
phonics by night.

You what?

I listen to tapes while I sleep.

Not that I get much sleep
with the family dupont

chattering away all the time.

But when I wake
up in the morning,

I have a completely
new vocabulaire.

I see, which could be quite
handy on a weekend in Paris.

That's what I
thought, Mrs. Brittas.

Well, Carol, you might
be learning in your sleep,

but did you know you can
also learn from your sleep?

I'm sorry Mrs. Brittas.

Dreams.

What can we all learn from
our dreams that we don't know?

I don't know Mrs. Brittas.

Well I'm holding a dreams
workshop tomorrow lunchtime.

Do you think you can come?

Oh I doubt it Mrs. Brittas,

during my lunch hour I
usually like to catch 40 winks

with monsieur and madame dupont.

You see Jack, when
there are winners,

there have to be losers and
that don't build a good team.

One person wins,
flies off to Paris

and I'm left with
a team of losers.

Yes.

It's a difficult decision.

Well that's what
management is about, Gordon.

Four o'clock tomorrow.

[Door slams]

I'm sorry I'm late Mr. Brittas.

There was a major
blockage this morning.

[Audience laughing]

I don't wanna know, Colin.

There was tonnes of it
Mr. Brittas, a huge pile.

Colin, I'm trying
to eat a biscuit.

And I just have to
sit there and wait,

it's so frustrating.

Colin!

I shall be glad when they
finish that construction work

near the bypass.

There was a three mile tailback

when that earth
mover dumped its load.

Right, I'm with you now Colin.

What do you want?

Apropos the children's
party, Mr. Brittas.

The birthday party package?

That's it.

Well I know that I'm
down as uncle Colin

in charge of
cloakroom facilities.

Yes.

But I wonder if I might
also volunteer myself

as uncle Colin, better
known as Mr. Magic.

[Audience laughing]

Sorry?

Mr. Magic, Mr. Brittas.

I can do a few tricks that I
think the kiddies might like.

And I've also been
working on my wardrobe.

Well it doesn't show.

You always wear
that dreadful cardigan.

No, not my wardrobe,
Mr. Brittas, my wardrobe.

My actual wardrobe.

I've converted it
into a magic cabinet.

I could do 15 minutes
before the birthday party tea.

[Sighs] Right, well we
do have a window at 3:03

after the trampolining.

All right, Mr. Magic, you're on.

Thank you Mr. Brittas,
I won't let you down.

Goodbye Carol.

Au revoir, monsieur dupont.

Pardon?

Oh, I am so sorry,
councillor druggett.

I've been up all night with
the dupont family on the beach.

Councillor druggett,
can I have a word?

It's this birthday
party package thing

incorporating a number
of leisure centre activities.

It was all my idea.

And a very good idea it is too.

Yes, actually I've got
quite a lot of good ideas.

Yes.

Look, a word to the wise.

The council will
shortly be considering

funding for next year.

There's a very strong lobby
in favour of privatisation.

I think they might
look favourably

on a management
buyout submission,

junior management, of course.

You mean?

It would need to be
someone with a good idea.

You think I should apply?

I think you know what I mean.

That's where you got to, Harry.

Now, come here you little devil.

Now don't you go
running off again.

[Laughs] Don't do
that Harry, it tickles.

Hello, boys and girls.

I'm uncle Colin, Mr. Magic.

Hello, Colin.

Are you going to an interview?

The suit, no, no I'm
rehearsing, Mrs. Brittas.

You what?

I'm building up my spot.

Oh, you don't need
to, it looks as though

it's about to burst anyway.

[Audience laughing]

No, no, my routine.

My magic act.

I'm doing a few tricks for
the children's party tomorrow.

Oh I see.

That's nice.

What's this then Mrs. Brittas.

Dreams workshop.

Oh, I hope you can come.

Tomorrow could be difficult.

It could change your life.

I've been reading
this book by Freud,

"the interpretation of dreams".

Oh, it's brilliant.

We can all learn so
much from our dreams,

our subconscious
needs and desires,

our innermost secrets and fears.

Ah, ah, ah!

Have I touched a nerve?

No, you haven't
Mrs. Brittas, it's Harry.

He's on the move
again, the little devil.

Gotcha!

Just in time.

You were saying Mrs. Brittas?

Dreams are a door
to our inner selves.

In my case, it was a grid.

I'm sorry?

That's what I used to dream
about when I was a child.

Night after night, I'd
dream about this grid,

you know, in the road.

And I used to think, if
only I could get down there

I'd find somewhere
nice and safe and warm.

A sort of den, you know,

where me and my imaginary
friends could meet and play.

And you know,
the funny thing was

there was actually a
grid outside my house.

You could see it from
my bedroom window.

What does it mean, Mrs. Brittas?

It means you're a
very sad man, Colin.

[Audience laughing]

It was a sewer, you see.

Yes, yes I know.

I think that's what
sparked my interest

in things subterranean.

Harry, Harry, get
away from there!

[Audience laughing]

They're born tunnelers,
you know, Mrs. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

You were saying?

Dreams, have you got
any other recurring dreams?

I could interpret them for you.

When I was about 14, I used
to dream about volleyball.

Women playing volleyball,
but I know what that means.

[Audience laughing]

Auntie Linda's doing the
apparatus and trampolining.

Auntie Carol's doing blind
man's buff and pass the parcel.

So you can't be auntie Julie.

I don't need another auntie.

But she's my niece!

I am her real auntie!

No, you're not.

Not according to
my roster, you're not.

Very well, Mr. Brittas.

There doesn't seem
to be much interest

in my dreams workshop.

Don't worry, my darling.

I'll deal with it at
the staff meeting.

I'll inspire them by telling
them about my dream.

A dream of a world
when leisure pursuits

bring peace and Harmony.

No, not that sort of dream.

Not your vision thing.

No, the sort of dreams
we have at night, you know.

Oh them!

I have some very
interesting ones

mostly to do with
filing procedures.

[Audience laughing]

You'll come, won't you Julie?

Oh, well, I'm not
sure I can you see.

My sister's bringing
Melanie in early,

so she can have lunch
with her auntie Julie.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Unfortunately
I'll have to tell her

we're no longer related.

[Audience laughing]

Harry, Harry!

Have you lost that
hamster again?

Yes.

Excusez-moi, ou
sont les oranges?

I thought he might've
gone into the toilet, but no.

Hamsters don't
use toilets do they?

Course not, Tim.

Well, I think it's disgusting.

Ah no, Linda be fair.

Not for a hamster.

Anyway, he
couldn't lift the seat,

pull the chain or anything.

[Audience laughing]

No, I mean it's disgusting
making animals perform.

They don't perform, Linda.

I do.

[Frog croaks]

[Audience laughing]

What was that?

That was Freddy, the frog.

You mean you've got
frog in there as well?

Oh yes, yes.

Freddy's standing in for Harry,

it slightly changes the
act, but I think it'll work.

Shouldn't be allowed.

Frogs have rights too, you know.

After you Mr. Brittas.

All right, everyone settle
down please, settle down.

Okie dokie!

Dreams workshop
tomorrow lunchtime.

Now, it's purely voluntary,
but everyone must attend.

[Audience laughing]

And I want you all to
have a good dream tonight

and bring it in with
you tomorrow morning.

[Audience laughing]

Right, any questions please?

What if I don't have a dream?

Well, just make
sure you do, Tim.

Yeah, but what if I don't
want to give up my lunch hour?

What if I just don't turn up?

Then you just don't go to Paris.

Well, I'm not bothered
about winning the competition.

It's Gavin that's keen isn't it?

What?

Right, right, this employee
of the month competition.

Now, as you all know, I have
my reservations about this.

Where there are winners,
there have to be losers.

So I'm gonna make sure
that all those who lose, win.

[Audience laughing]

What have you got
in your pocket, Colin?

Two canaries, a pint of milk

and a crystal ball, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Right.

So for the runners up, the
lucky losers, a special prize.

A weekend of bonding, barrier
breaking and team building

where all I tell you
everything I know

about the leisure industry.

[Audience laughing]

You must be joking!

Magnificent, Mr. Brittas.

May I be a lucky loser?

I didn't want to be employee
of the month anyway.

Don't worry, Colin.

You were never in with a chance.

[Audience laughing]

Thank goodness for that.

Harry, Harry!

What is it?

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas.

I thought I saw a hamster
between your legs.

[Audience laughing]

Colin, have you taken
leave of your senses?

Sit down.

[Seat squelches]

[Audience laughing]

Colin!

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas.

I've sat on a frog.

[Audience laughing]

Never heard it
called that before.

[Audience laughing]

No, I really have sat on a frog.

Right, Linda.

Show me this enhanced exercise
programme of yours, please.

Well, Mr. Brittas, I've
increased the output ratio

on this machine by 150%.

This means Mr. Thompson
gets twice as fit in half the time.

[Treadmill whirs]

[Audience laughing]

Excellent, Linda.

So, will it help me to
win the weekend in Paris?

Linda, there's a much
better prize to be won.

Yes.

Mr. Brittas, are you
going to allow Colin

to exploit those poor animals?

That business with the
frog was the absolute end.

Well I suppose
it was for the frog.

[Audience laughing]

Linda, can you feel
this floor shaking?

I'd switch that machine
off if I were you.

If you think you've got
residual reverberation, rr.

[Audience laughing]

[Ceiling cracking]

Helen, Helen.

Mm?

Helen, my darling.

Are you asleep?

Mm.

I was just wondering what
sort of dream I should have.

[Audience laughing]

I'm just going to
have my dream now

and I wanted to
clear it with you first.

What are you
talking about Gordon?

You dreams workshop.

What sort of dream
are you looking for?

[Sighs] Just go to sleep.

All right.

[Audience laughing]

I could have the
one about filing again,

if that's any use to you?

Gordon if you dream your
dream, it's all subconscious.

You can't plan your dreams.

I can.

[Audience laughing]

Just dream your dream

and then write it
down in the morning.

All right, my darling.

Good night

night, Gordon.

[Audience laughing]

Helen?

What?

When you interpret these
dreams, I was wondering

is there any topic
I should avoid?

Gordon.

It's just, I don't want
to have a dream

that's going to make
me look ridiculous

like the one when
I was a haddock.

[Audience laughing]

Please, go to sleep Gordon.

Will do.

[Pencil scrapes]

What are you doing?

Sharpening my pencil,
ready for the morning.

Right.

Fortunately my darling,
you're married to a man

who keeps a pencil sharpener
in his bedside cabinet.

[Audience laughing]

Yes.

To be on the safe side,

I think I'll stick to the dream
about filing procedures.

I couldn't risk being
a haddock again.

[Audience laughing]

Julie, where are the
admissions figures

for the swimming pool kept?

How do you expect me to know?

You're the secretary
at the moment.

Oh, he's switched
his filing system.

I just can't fathom
it, not that I've tried.

Oh, our Melanie's really
looking forward to the party.

My party?

No, her party.

Well it's her party in that
sense, but it's my concept.

I mean the birthday party
package is all down to me.

Other people are
taking all the credit

but if it wasn't for me,
Melanie wouldn't be here.

Oo, that'll be news
to my brother in law.

[Audience laughing]

Right, checklist.

Flags of all nations.

Four pounds of sausages,
Terry the terrapin,

billiard balls,
Larry the lobster.

Then it's over to you, monty!

At the given signal, you
will appear out of the hat

as we rehearsed it.

Now, where did I put
Scotty the scorpion?

[Audience groans]

Mr. Brittas says you should
be at the dreams workshop,

murderer.

Linda, no-one was more upset
than I was when Freddy died.

Apart from Freddy, maybe.

[Audience laughing]

I think what you're
doing is disgusting.

Not at all.

Oh!

What's the matter?

Sorry, I have a
lobster in my trousers.

[Audience laughing]

A what?

From now on, to avoid accidents,

I'm only working with
animals with shells.

Scorpions, lobsters, terrapins.

What about the rabbit?

Monty is not the rabbit.

Here's a colleague,
a personal friend.

Monty and I have known
each other ever since

he was a little
rabbit, a bunny rabbit.

Our destinies are linked.

[Audience laughing]

Friend, go free.

[Floor rumbles]

So, Tim.

What happened
next in your dream?

Well then I'm
running along a beach

and everything goes
into slow motion.

That's "chariots of fire", Tim.

[Audience laughing]

No, no it wasn't
like that at all.

I'll think you find it was Tim.

I've seen it six times.

Carry on my darling,
really interesting.

Tim, it seems to me that
you're pursuing something,

a goal maybe, that's retreating.

Music by vangelis.

♪ Da, da, da, da, da

Gordon!

Sorry, my angel.

I'm sorry I'm late Mr. Brittas.

I'm sorry I'm late Mrs. Brittas.

Were you late too Mr. Brittas?

[Audience laughing]

Sit down Colin.

I'll stand if I
may, Mr. Brittas.

I have a lobster in my trousers.

[Audience laughing]

Why?

I'm afraid I can't
reveal that, Julie.

Secrets of the magic circle.

Does anyone else a dream
they'd like to share with us?

Carol?

Well, I was in Paris, walking
down the champs-eélysées

with the family dupont.

So, I don't know if it was
a dream or lesson 32.

Well, tell us what you saw.

I saw the Eiffel Tower
and it grew bigger

and bigger and bigger.

Nah, can't think
what that means.

Gordon, any fool
knows what that means.

[Audience laughing]

Can I tell you about my dream?

Fire away, Colin.

Gordon, please!

Sorry.

Yes, Colin.

I was just outside hartlepool,

and I discovered an
anglo Saxon settlement.

In amongst the pottery and
trinkets was my best find,

an anglo Saxon
stool completely intact.

Good, good.

Well, describe it.

How many legs did it have?

And what was it made of?

It didn't have any
legs, Mrs. Brittas.

It wasn't that kind of stool.

[Audience laughing]

And it was just made
of, well the usual stuff.

[Audience laughing]

Okay, who wants a hat?

[Children] Me, me, me, me!

There you go.

All right, all right,
there's a cone.

I'm afraid the
contract clearly states

that the birthday party
package is for eight children

and you've brought 10.

Oh yes, I know it was just
Samantha wouldn't come

without her sister
and then the little girl

from over the road turned up.

Well, they can't join
in any of the activities.

[Audience laughing]

You can't do that,
it's a children's party.

It was my niece's party.

All right, Julie.

As a concession I'm prepared
to exclude two children

on a rota basis.

[Children laughing]

I'm sorry, you're not
allowed to watch this.

[Audience laughing]

I wonder where the banana went.

You ate it.

[Children] Yeah, you ate it!

No, I didn't, I didn't, look.

No banana, there.

You just swallowed it.

[Children] Yeah,
you swallowed it!

No, no, it's magic.

Now, for my next
trick I need a volunteer.

Not you.

[Audience laughing]

You're not allowed
to look at this.

My magic cabinet is here.

It can make you disappear.

Who would like
to give it a whirl?

How's about the birthday girl?

[Children clapping]

Come along then, Melanie.

Go through the
doors at the back,

there's a secret compartment.

Stay in there.

[Audience laughing]

Now, boys and girls,
what's the magic word?

Please!

No, not that magic word.

[Audience laughing]

Please is a magic
word, but in actual fact,

the magic word we're
looking for is abracadabra.

So, after three, we'll
all shout abracadabra.

One, two, three.

[Children] Abracadabra!

[Gavin clapping]

I wonder where the
birthday girl's gone?

Not a word, you.

[Audience laughing]

Let's see if we can
bring her back again.

Let's try abracadabra again.

Okay, Melanie, you
can come out now.

One, two, three.

[Children] Abracadabra.

Ta-da!

Well, maybe we didn't
shout it loud enough.

Let's try it again.

Come on out Melanie,
there's a good girl.

[Audience laughing]

One, two, three.

[Children] Abracadabra!

[Audience laughing]

[Children] Abracadabra,
abracadabra,

abracadabra, abracadabra,
abracadabra, abracadabra.

Shut up!

[Audience laughing]

She's disappeared!

Well where is she then?

I'm not exactly
sure, Mr. Fazakerley.

She was enjoying
the party very much

up until she disappeared.

Do you think maybe
I have actually got

magic powers after all?

[Audience laughing]

Don't be stupid

don't adopt that
tone with uncle Colin.

[Audience laughing]

You're not exactly in a
position to criticise are you?

Even if a child
has been mislaid,

you still one over the odds.

[Audience laughing]

Mind you, it's good news
for Samantha's sister!

Gavin, put her down
for birthday cake.

[Audience laughing]

Oh sod this, we've
got to find her.

Gavin, you take the squash
court and the dance studio.

Julie, Julie, Julie.

Kath, Roger, you come with me.

It'll be all right, I promise.

Julie, haven't you
forgotten something?

Procedure 47 b.

Lost property,
strategy for location

and recovery
there of, Mr. Brittas.

Exactly, Colin.

She's going about it
in all the wrong way.

Let's start at the
very beginning.

That's a very
good place to start.

[Audience laughing]

I hope they still like a
cake, I spent a lot of time.

Will you shut up about the cake?

The birthday party package
wasn't all my idea, you know.

Yes it was.

No, not entirely.

Yes it was, you said
it was a good idea.

Well it is a good
idea in principle,

but my idea was to have the
birthday party first and then...

Lose the guest of honour?

No, no.

Wait a minute, Colin.

Oh, no!

Monty's disappeared as well.

Colin.

[Audience laughing]

Pass me a rope, please Colin.

Shall I let you
down Mr. Brittas?

I think you already have, Colin.

Have you got any other children?

'Cause I always
think that helps.

[Audience laughing]

I know when I lose one
of mine, I always think,

"oh well, not to worry.

"I've got three more at home".

[Kath wails]

I'm going to thump
you in a minute.

This is very strange.

Certainly is.

Reminds me of a dream
I used to have as a child.

I used to go down this grill

and there'd be this
underground world.

Yeah, it is like a dream.

A bad one.

Maybe that's what it
actually is, Mr. Brittas.

Maybe one of us is dreaming.

Sorry?

But is it you, or is it me?

What?

Can you see any
women volleyball players?

Of course I can't.

Then it's your dream!

And can I say it's an
honour to be in it, Mr. Brittas.

Shut up, Colin.

[Carts rumble]

Colin, there's a
hamster by your foot.

Thank you Mr. Brittas.

You're dreaming
about Harry for me.

No, I'm not dreaming.

There's a hamster by your foot.

Pick it up.

[Audience laughing]

Mr. Brittas, you don't think?

No.

Born tunnelers, you know.

It's a bit ambitious, Colin.

Even for Harry.

Look, Mr. Brittas,
there's a light

at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, Colin, there usually is.

Afternoon Carol.

[Yawns] Welcome...

What's going on?

Apparently we've lost a child.

Nous avons perdu UN enfant.

[Audience laughing]

Business as usual then.

Ah-ha!

I wonder what's in here.

It will be a den.

Are you the surveyors?

We're miles off
course, you know.

I said to Tommy the other day,

"this is never the
way to Bristol".

I blame the site foreman.

He said to Mick,
"just follow your nose".

Have you seen Mick's nose?

[Audience laughing]

What are you doing here?

We're building the Bristol
spore to the channel tunnel.

Are you responsible for
the hole in my leisure centre?

Very probably.

It's a ventilation shaft
but it's in the wrong place.

We should have
turned left at the bypass.

It's monty, isn't it?

No, it's donal.

Monty's down the tunnel
knocking on the railway line

now that the
eurostar's gone through.

No, no, no.

This is monty, my rabbit.

Colin, nevermind your rabbit.

Have you seen a
little girl down here?

No, sir.

It's an entirely male workforce.

No, I mean a little girl.

Seven, eight years old.

Eight today
actually Mr. Brittas.

Good heavens, no.

They'd never employ
an eight year old girl.

[Audience laughing]

She wouldn't be
able to lift a shovel.

[Audience laughing]

Colin, we're getting nowhere.

Oh yes we are.

We're getting to Bristol.

It's just that we're
taking the scenic route.

[Audience laughing]

Just go away will you?

Go and counsel someone else.

But Julie, this is a
big chance for me.

I've read the whole
chapter on bereavement.

[Audience laughing]

I'm gonna thump you
as well in a minute.

Calm down, you've had
a bad enough day as it is.

You don't want a
broken arm to go with it.

What I'm saying is, would
you put in a good word

about the cake?

That's all.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Sorry.

Are you drunk or something?

Oh, he's French.

[Audience laughing]

Yes.

No, I'm afraid my
bilingual receptionist

is unconscious at the moment,

but I do speak a
little French myself.

[Clears throat]

[Speaks in French
accent] How can I help you?

[Audience laughing]

Je suis the manager.

Really?

Excellent!

Come on, Colin.

I mean there's nothing in
that cake that was shop bought.

It was a proper
good Victoria sponge.

All right everyone,
calm down please.

Calm down everyone.

Mrs fazakerley, dry those tears.

I've found your daughter.

[Gasps] Where is she?

Well, I say found
her, I have located her.

Where is she?

At this present moment in time,

she's somewhere
underneath the English channel

hurtling towards
France on a eurostar.

What's she doing on that?

Playing I spy with
the driver apparently.

They've got stuck
on t for tunnel, hehe.

How would she get on a train?

Illegally.

I think the phrase is
she jumped a freight.

You're gonna go and
have to pick her up.

Right, councillor druggett,

employee of the
month competition.

The prize is a weekend in Paris.

We'll take those.

[Audience laughing]

And I'm going to sue you.

[Audience laughing]

Councillor, if I were you
I'd close this place down.

All these people here,

they're a bunch of
useless, sad incompetents.

Hmm, that's gratitude for you.

[Audience laughing]

Right, where were we?

Employee of the
month competition,

the prize this month goes to...

He's just taken it.

It doesn't matter.

The price this month...

There is no prize.

[Audience laughing]

Exactly the prize this
month goes to nobody,

because it will be
invidious to single out

any one of my excellent
hardworking members of staff.

Oh!

Don't be upset, Colin.

[Audience laughing]

Oh!

Don't be disappointed, Colin.

Oh!

I told you, you were
never in with a chance.

It's not that Mr. Brittas.

I think I've just found
Scotty the scorpion.

[Audience laughing]

[The brittas empire theme music]