The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 7, Episode 3 - http://etc - full transcript

[Military drumming music]

[Keyboard tapping]

Whitbury newtown leisure centre,

welcome to the 21st century

oh dear.

[Audience laughs]

[Dwayne] Microbyte,
Dwayne speaking,

how may I help you?

Hello, it's me again!

[Dwayne] Hello, Mr. Brittas.

Right, now, I've configured
me system memory,



added ram drive command line

at the end of the ms dos prompt,

specified a path of
32,470 kilobytes capacity,

default, 512 sector size,

copied the expanded
memory emulator point 486,

and allocated 192 handles

and 238 fast
alternate register sets,

reserving 177 kilobytes for
buffered direct memory access.

[Dwayne] So what
seems to be the problem?

Well, I got a bit of doughnut
down me scroll key.

[Audience laughing]

Do I just leave it there,

or poke it out with a pencil?

[Audience laughing]



[Distant chattering]

Welcome back everyone,
hope you all had a good week?

Oh, it's so good to
be back, Mr. Brittas!

So what's the big
surprise then, Mr. Brittas?

Yeah, we noticed
you'd changed the locks.

Locks?

We don't have
locks any more Julie,

we've got time instigated,
totally integrated security.

We've got titis.

[Audience laughing]

As from today these doors are
programmed to open at 7.30am

precisely and close
at 9.30pm precisely.

Not a second sooner,
not a second later.

And they're due to open in
exactly five seconds from now.

[Audience laughing]

Right, if I could
have your attention

everyone please for one minute.

Up until last week
all of us at this centre

have been groping
around brainlessly

in a fated primaeval swamp.

Oh, thanks Mr. Brittas,
we aim to please.

As from today, we
crawl onto dry land,

sprout legs and learn to walk.

Eh, did you lock
up the night nurse?

You know what happened to
Paul on the road to Damascus?

Well, it happened to me at
the basingstoke software show.

[Audience laughing]

I'm pleased to announce
that everything in the centre

from salaries to the
steam flow in the sauna,

everything has
been computerised.

Heating, lighting, the lot.

Carole, come here.

Now, in the dark old days,
when someone came in

wanting to go for a
swim, what happened?

Well, he'd give us
£1.50, I suppose,

and we'd give him a ticket.

Exactly, out of the ark.

As from today, this
is what will happen.

Right, name?

Age?

Male, female?

Swimming standard?

Foot or mouth infection?

[Audience laughing]

Lane swimming or splash around?

Goggles needed?

Shampoo?

[Audience laughing]

Used centre before?

Daily papers taken?

Two most recent holidays?

Booking complete.

Well, that seemed
to take a while.

Carole, into the
envelope, please.

Your ticket madam.

Do I get air miles?

[Audience laughing]

What is more,

we have an advanced
booking facility of 3 years,

so if someone who
runs a tight sort of diary,

wants to book in
a game of squash,

say at 2.30pm,
October 25th, 1999,

they only have to ask.

Yes, there's a court free.

Right, follow me
everyone, please.

So the pool is at a
pleasant 72 degrees,

which is automatically
set to adjust

by a maximum of 5
degrees fahrenheit,

either way at the height
of winter and summer.

Now, Linda.

Yes, Mr. Brittas?

A swimmer comes up to
you while you're on duty

and asks for a float.

What do you do?

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

New procedure.

Right, you go into
your swimming pool file,

click on equipment,
click on float,

there, total stock, 360,
units available 360.

Click okay, enter.

Float order slip number 0001.

What could be simpler?

Just taking the float?

Oh yes, but what if
someone's reserved a float

over the phone in advance,

then comes to the centre to find

that they've all been given out?

All 360 of them?

= think about it, Linda.

The entire whitbury junior
school turn up unannounced,

plus our Saturday
morning turtles club,

and somebody wants to make

a scale model of
Atlantis out of polystyrene.

Good one, Tim,
didn't think of that.

[Audience laughing]

Aggravated psoriasis of
the elbow and knee joints.

Right, do you need
any towels, Colin?

Oh, and of course ringworm.

Ringworm, any towels?

And a little bit of
dermatitis down on the...

Dermatitis, any towels, Colin?

And I sometimes get that
flaky dandruff, you know,

like those little
toy snow scenes,

you shake 'em and they go.

[Blowing raspberry]

Thank you, Colin.

Can we have someone
else volunteer to be

a customer for the
tanning bed please?

I've only got ten lines for
pre-existing skin conditions.

[Audience laughing]

Right, and now for the
piece De resistance.

Timothy, you've arranged
to play squash with Gavin,

you're all set and raring to go,

when suddenly he stands you up

because he's decided to
go out with his girlfriend.

Course of action?

Well, there are a number
of options Mr. Brittas,

tampering with his brakes,

electrocuting him
with a cd player.

No, you play with yourself.

[Audience laughing]

Virtual reality squash.

You may be at home,

you may not want to
go out into the traffic.

All you do is dial the
centre on your own computer

and you can be playing squash

in the comfort of your own sofa.

But Mr. Brittas, I thought
the whole point of squash

was to get fit and lose weight?

Oh well, in that
case, all you do is

go to the virtual
reality fitness salon.

There you go.

Traction machine, bike, sauna.

The choice is yours.

In five years from now,
you won't even need

to set foot in the centre.

[Audience laughing]

This is all very
impressive Mr. Brittas,

but what if there's a power
cut or it breaks down?

Ah, we have a standby
generator and a back-up system.

And what if they break down?

Well we have a back-up
generator and a standby system.

But the chances,
Tim, of that happening

are about the same as
my winning the lottery.

And where did all the money

for this come from, Mr. Brittas?

From the lottery.

[Audience laughing]

£27,892 to be precise.

Plus £13,450, from the
European sports facilities

capital improvement fund.

A windfall that will
prove to be a turning point

in the operational
history of this centre.

And the money will
be totally squandered.

Lucky Ron.

I've let him oversee everything,

from the software contracts
to buying the hardware.

He's even tried to
save money by going on

some cock-a-mamey
course and installing it himself.

So, fingers crossed
for a catastrophe.

The sports council
lottery committee

will want his head on a platter

What the?

[Phone dial beeping]

Gordon.

[Mr. Brittas]
Councillor druggitt,

what a pleasant surprise.

What the hell's this
barrier doing here?

I can't get in.

The staff car park
is now programmed

only to accept swipe
cards from staff,

customers with
special needs or vips.

What am I then?

[Mr. Brittas] Nothing yet.

[Audience laughing]

I haven't done a
code for you yet.

You'll have to be
a temporary visitor.

Dial four, nine, two, one.

Six, double seven, four.

[Audience laughing]

Three.

[Audience laughing]

Get a move on, we've been
here since a quarter to ten.

Please try.

[Customer] I can't remember.

Think.

March, 1976, I think.

March 1976, wrong
swimming certificate.

Now, do you need a towels?

-No.
-Goggles?

No.

-Float?
-No.

Shampoo?

Oh, I suppose so.

Dry, normal or greasy hair?

What?

Dry, normal or greasy hair?

Greasy.

[Audience laughing]

How long to you intend
to spend in the pool?

I don't know.

Well, 10, 20, 30, 45 minutes?

30 minutes.

Now, do you want a Lane
swim or a general splash?

Lane swim.

Crawl, breaststroke,
butterfly or back?

I don't know, I want to
do a bit of everything.

Crawl, breaststroke,
butterfly or back?

Crawl.

Oh no, no wait, breaststroke.

Sorry, it's too late.

Oh dear, pool's full.

What?

But I can sell you
a standby ticket.

A standby ticket?

Oh yes, certainly
madam, no problem.

[Audience laughing]

So that's Mrs. Phillips
for a standby ticket,

swim session in Lane two,

with a sachet of
shampoo for greasy hair.

Now, if you'd like
to wait over there,

I'll call you if there's
a cancellation.

Right, next.

I just want to book a
badminton court, please.

Right, I'll just look up the
badminton booking code.

[Audience laughing]

Can you hurry?

I'm trying, I'm trying.

Look, my life belt.

My wife's drowning!

[Audience laughing]

Drowning, I think that's
under emergencies.

= the sports council lottery
committee rep will be here

tomorrow at twelve sharp
for an initial inspection.

Everything will be going okay
with the new system by then?

It is already, councillor.

No teething problems?

Not a squeak, watch this.

[Keyboard tapping]

[Audience laughing]

Badminton, oh, there it is.

Thank god.

Oh no, it's gone to
children's parties.

[Audience laughing]

Oh, are you busy Colin?

Not really, Mrs. Brittas.

All seems to
take care of itself,

I don't really seem to have
anything to do anymore.

You couldn't help me
for a moment, could you?

There's this thing in my room.

[Audience laughing]

Brittas, I can't get out.

[Mr. Brittas] It's
alright, councillor.

Your temporary visitor's
pass expired 2 minutes ago.

I'll have to get
you a new number.

[Mrs. Brittas] What is it?

[Colin] It's a computer.

Yeah, I know that,
but why do I need one?

I was gonna put
my begonia there.

We've all got them now.

In fact, I think he's set up
your counselling file already.

What?

Let's have a look.

I think you just
press counselling...

Yes, there we are.

Question one, are
you claustrophobic,

slash, recently widowed, slash,
depressed, slash, impotent?

Yes, no.

I think you can just
choose one, Mrs. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Depressed, a bit or very?

I see.

Are you contemplating suicide?

Hmm.

Gas, tablets, carbon
monoxide, bodily wounding?

Erm, I'll go for gas.

Gas, gas is a good choice.

Now, have you closed windows,
extinguished all naked flames,

informed gas board
to settle final account?

Hang on a minute,

this is for people
to fill in themselves.

Where do I come in?

Do-it-yourself counselling?

We'll soon see about that.

Please have a children's party.

No, I don't even have any kids.

I can lend you some.

[Audience laughing]

It would help me so much,

I can't get out of this file.

Look, I just want a
game of badminton.

Look, I tell you what,
book the children's party,

then book the badminton,

and then I'll cancel the
children's party afterwards.

Alright, alright,
fine, anything.

So, you've booked for
45 children, 2 helpers,

1 puppet show, chicken
dinosaurs and jelly to follow,

on the 5th of July, 1998.

Right, now can I
book my badminton?

I'll have to have a £50
deposit for the party first.

[Audience laughing]

Did I see a set of golf
clubs in here earlier?

Yeah, in the bin.

Right.

What you doing, Julie?

Christmas cards.

These are for the people

who've used the
leisure centre once,

these are for the
ones who came back,

and this one's for Mr. Jones.

Who?

The season ticket holder.

[Crashing]

[Smashing]

I've just found out
how to delete a file.

[Audience laughing]

It's a doddle.

Anyone need any
help with the roster?

Computer's done it.

The cleaning rota?

Computer's done it.

Actually Colin, you can help me

do the vending machine restock.

That's what I like to hear,

something to get my teeth into.

Right, I'll press enter,

and you can tear off the sheet
of paper when it comes out.

[Audience laughing]

[Machine whirring]

Of course, this is the thin
end of the wedge, you know.

What do you mean?

Well, now that
everything's on computer,

soon brittas will
only need himself

and someone to water the plants,

because we're all going
to be made redundant.

Mr. Brittas would
never get rid of us.

Oh no?

Then tell me this.

Why can the computer can
take bookings for the next 3 years,

but can only do the staff
roster for the next 2 weeks?

You think about that.

Right, everyone, I'd just
like to say that counselling

is now available from
me in the utility room,

for any of your
personal problems,

such as bereavement
or redundancy.

[Audience laughing]

Do try not to get post
traumatic stress syndrome,

because I spilled
coffee over that page.

[Audience laughing]

[Distant chattering]

Almost there.

Look, I don't want to
play badminton anymore.

Tough.

I wanna go home.

Look, it's not my fault,
it's this wretched thing.

That's what they all say,

people always
blame the computers.

What?

Here, let me have a go.

You've got to close
down all your files

and applications before
you open new ones.

Haven't you got
a sandpit to go to?

[Audience laughing]

Is everything alright, Carole?

No.

There's nothing wrong
with the computer,

it's the people who use it.

So, you're a bit of
an expert, are you?

I've hacked about in my time.

Do these things ever go wrong?

They can get jammed
if a virus gets in.

Really?

And how exactly
does a virus get in?

So is that clear?

I need an uninterrupted 15
minutes at this main terminal.

Half now, the
rest on completion.

Did you say you
once got into a bank?

Southern provincial,
transferred 20 million

from their investment fund

into my dad's bank
in the Cayman's,

earned a couple of weeks
of interest then put it back.

They still haven't found out.

[Audience laughing]

Can we get a move on?

I've got my mock
chemistry at two.

Colin, Tim's called
an emergency meeting

in the staff room.

Redundant.

Redundant.

If we can convince brittas
that the system is unreliable,

then maybe it will
bring him to his senses.

Now, this boy Danny's
got this special disc thing

that he says can jam the system.

All we have to do is get
brittas away from his office

for 15 minutes until
the signal is given.

We'll never get him
away from his desk.

He's been chained to that
PC ever since it arrived.

Any bright ideas?

[Door knocking]

Mr. Brittas?

What is it, Gavin?

I was just wondering, Gordon,

if you'd like to go for a drink?

What?

Well, we haven't had a
drink together in quite a while.

Gavin, we haven't been for
a drink together in six years.

Well, I just suddenly
thought, why not?

Just the two of us.

Take time out for a while.

Gavin, did Alexander
the great stop off

for a gin and tonic when
he was conquering persia?

Please, Gordon.

It's just that we don't see as
much of you as we used to,

and well, I'd like
to see more of you.

[Audience laughing]

That is very touching, Gavin.

Oh, alright then.

Thank you.

I'll book it in 12:30,
Thursday fortnight.

[Audience laughing]

Just a swift half, mind you.

This place means
everything to me, Mrs. Brittas.

It's like a second home.

Oh, it's much more
than that, Colin.

Is it?

It's your whole life.

And now you're being
thrown on the scrap heap.

Well, it certainly
looks that way.

It's like being snatched away
from your mother's breast.

Really?

There you were
all snug and cosy,

sloshing around in
your amniotic fluid

and now you're being
slung out into the cold.

But I wouldn't put
it quite like that.

Resentment is
perfectly natural, Colin.

But I don't feel resentful.

What Mr. Brittas is doing is
probably good for the centre.

You may be stoical
on the surface Colin,

but deep down you are a
bubbling cauldron of resentment.

Am I?

Very dangerous.

Why don't you book yourself
in for my next anger weekend?

£180, three nights
bed and breakfast,

including Sunday night karaoke.

Okay.

Right, that's your
anger out the way,

now let's deal with
your depression.

[Audience laughing]

Hello macrobyte, Dwayne, please.

Dwayne's sick?

That's funny, he was
right as rain 2 minutes ago.

Mr. Brittas, come quickly.

What is it, Linda?

Fire.

Fire, where?

Er, in the staff room, come.

I didn't hear any alarms, Linda.

Still, better safe
than sorry, eh?

[Keyboard tapping]

There you go, all sorted, Linda.

[Water hissing]

[Screaming]

[Audience laughing]

It's no use
bottling it up, Colin.

But I'll get over it, won't I?

No, you won't.

This is major trauma, on
a par with bereavement.

Now, let's see.

Here we are.

You're going to go
through the following stages.

One, shock.

Two, numbness.

Three, tingling.

Partial loss of consciousness
and paralysis of the limbs.

[Audience laughing]

Oh no, hang on,
that's decompression.

[Audience laughing]

[Colin screaming]

Stop fighting it
Colin, let it out.

[Colin screaming]

15 minutes?

How the heck am I
gonna keep him busy

in here for 15 minutes?

Oh come on, Julie,

I'm sure you'll
think of something.

Anyway, I'll give you 3 buzzes

on your intercom
when I'm done, all right?

Oh, god,

hello, macrobyte.

[Macrobyte] The microbyte
helpline is now closed.

Our offices are open from 8...

Eh?

[Intercom buzzes]

[Julie] Mr. Brittas?

Julie, we've got
a web, fill my box.

[Julie] Get in here now.

Better make this quick Julie,

I'm spring cleaning
me back-up files.

[Mr. Brittas groans]

[Audience laughing]

So far so good.

[Lips smacking]

[Audience laughing]

How long to go?

Almost done, won't
take much longer.

Julie.

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas.

This is a turn up for the book.

Oh, Mr. Brittas.

Six years I've been in
the office next to you,

watching the way
you label your folders,

and sharpen your pencil, it
sends a tingle down me spine.

I'm very flattered,
Julie, but...

I just couldn't help it,

it's having the
baby, Mr. Brittas,

it's made me all confused.

Did I choose the right man?

What am I doing with my life?

And all the while,
there you are, so strong,

so decisive, so...

[Intercom buzzes]

It's alright, I'm over it now.

[Audience laughing]

The view of the sports
council lottery committee

is that it's a pretty
hefty donation

for a municipal leisure centre.

You're sure that this Mr. Brittas
knows what he's doing?

Well, I've left
everything to him.

He was very insistent on
overseeing the whole thing himself.

[Audience laughing]

Just a moment, he's had
the parking computerised.

Oh dear, teething problems.

I've told you, I'm okay.

It's off to the counselling
room for you, young lady.

Everything alright Carole?

No, it's not Mr. Brittas!

It's a learning curve,
Carole, learning curve.

[Audience laughing]

Do us a post-natal,
will you, hel?

She'll sort you out.

[Screaming]

[Audience laughing]

Excellent, pool temperature's
193, air temperature's 142.

Marvellous.

Hello, what's this?

Tim whistler, salary, £3.17?

What?

Let me see.

Gavin featherley,
salary, 227,642 quid.

I thought you were just
gonna jam the system?

I was, it must have been
the way it was installed.

Well, we've have to
shut it down completely.

We'll have to go into
override in the main terminal.

[Audience laughing]

Carole, we've gotta get
back into brittas' computer.

Whatever you do, don't
let him back up, okay?

Oh, stop it.

[Audience laughing]

Sorry about that
delay gentlemen,

member of staff with a
bit of a personal problem

and you can't just bung
in a new floppy disc, eh?

Anyway, this is a very proud day

for whitbury newtown
leisure centre.

Please, this way.

[Audience laughing]

Gentlemen come through
and gaze at the future.

Teething problems I see.

I'm sure Mr. Brittas
knows what he's doing.

Typical.

You instal 30k's worth
of hi-tech equipment

and the light
bulb's start going.

[Audience laughing]

Mr. Brittas, don't go up there.

Why not?

Because.

Yes?

I want you to stay
here, Mr. Brittas.

I've missed you so much.

Oh not you as well.

Don't leave me.

We can spend the
afternoon together.

Carole, this is
gonna have to wait,

I've got show Mr. Driscoll

and councillor druggitt
the nerve centre.

[Carole screams]

[Audience laughing]

Override, override, got it.

-Oh sugar.
-What?

He's made it secure.

What does that mean?

We need a password.

Well, we don't know
it, only brittas knows it.

We'll have to go
by trial and error.

Any combination of letters
or digits, Max 15 letters.

Usually something personal,
wife's name, pet, birthday.

Come on, think.

Helen?

No.

Whitbury?

No.

Try his car number, f299 npa.

[All] Oh.

[Mr. Driscoll] I think
I've seen enough.

You want to stay for
coffee and biscuits?

[Mrs. Brittas] Please, Julie.

[Julie] No, I only did it to
get him out of his office.

But an affair would do
Gordon the world of good.

No.

I mean, he's not
unattractive, is he?

Yes.

So brittas was left to oversee
the whole project alone?

Yep.

And you let him
instal it himself?

Yep.

No technical backup,
no executive support.

I'm afraid we're going
to have to investigate

your council's
handling of this affair.

What?

Well, Mr. Brittas is
obviously overstretched

and there was a failure

in giving him the
necessary human resources.

Drive on.

[Audience laughing]

Carole.

[Groaning]

Carole.

[Pole banging]

[Audience laughing]

Colin, could you just...

Simple, no flowers.

The only music I
want is Jerusalem

and then play Mr. Brittas'

Christmas foot hygiene
speech from 1992,

which I've got on cassette.

As for my ashes, I'd be
grateful if they could be mixed,

half and half with
mulching manure

and then used to
plant a memorial bush.

[Audience laughing]

What are his favourite things?

Oh, try tin tin, he's got
loads of tin tin books.

Chicken dansak.

Top gear, he likes that, yeah.

Thunderclap Newman?

No, Geoff Tracey?

Yes, Geoff...

No.

Bambi?

All: Yes!

It was the scene where
his mother got shot.

He went out to look
for her in the snow.

I never got over that scene.

I'm human too, you know.

Mr. Brittas.

So, sabotage, eh?

Mr. Brittas, all we
were trying to do was...

Don't I know you?

I played in the chess
tournament here last year.

That's right.

Three Russian masters
stormed out in a sulk.

Mr. Brittas, we
did it because...

Yes?

Because we were
worried about our jobs.

Mr, brittas, please.

Stay with me, we never spend
any time together anymore.

It's alright, Carole,
you can stop now.

Please, Julie.

I'll lend you my tiger suit.

No.

Yes, I wondered why everyone

had become so
affectionate today.

Wait a minute.

It's this, isn't it?

This is what's come between us.

We did rather feel you'd
forgotten us, Mr. Brittas.

Well, there's only
one thing for it.

I'll cancel the contract.

What?

It was on four
weeks trial, anyway.

You mean our jobs are safe?

I took my eye off the
ball, didn't I, Timothy?

Look at this, a human being.

He can see, can hear,
feel, laugh, cry, sulk,

clean the pool, do Kermit
impressions at children's parties,

doesn't need downloading
at the end of the day

and doesn't pick
up any nasty viruses.

You show me a computer
that can match that.

Oh, I must go and tell
Colin, he'll be over the moon.

No wait, Mr. Brittas,
come quickly.

It's Colin, he's up on the roof.

On the roof?

[Audience laughing]

Colin!

It's for the best, Mr. Brittas.

Don't do it, Colin.

I've cleaned and
pressed my uniform,

I've given the urinals
a final hose down

and changed the toilet
ducks in the ladies'.

Oh, and I've ordered a skip,

so there won't be any mess.

Colin, come back.

I shall miss you, Mr. Brittas.

It's alright, Colin.

You're not going
to lose your job.

What?

It's all over.

I'm sending the computer back.

Oh, Mr. Brittas.

[Colin screams]

[Audience laughing]

Seems like we're back to normal.

I wouldn't speak too soon.

It's so good to be
back, Mr. Brittas.

Thank you, Colin.

[Audience clapping]

[Military drumming music]