The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 7, Episode 2 - Reviewing the Situation - full transcript
Gordon orders all the staff to do a critical report on a colleague's performance. Tim is to do a report for him, but is now found to have unofficially changed his name to Whistler (being ...
[Light military band music]
Julie, can you come in
and take a letter, please?
[Door crashing]
[Audience laughing]
Come on, get on with
it, I'm eating a yoghourt.
Thank you, Julie.
Right,
"dear counsellor druggett,
re your memo of the 14th inst,
"I'm seeking clarification
on council policy
"regarding the buying
in of alternative services.
"Can I take it
this does not refer
"to alternative
religious services,
"as was first thought?
"If so, I shall inform the
reverend Bernie Simpson
"that he can no longer
hold voodoo sacrifices
"in the squash courts."
[Audience laughing]
"Yours, et cetera, et cetera.
"Oh, p.S., most of
the chicken blood has
"now been successfully
removed from the walls."
[Door slamming]
Greg, mind my yoghourts.
How long is this
gonna go on for, Julie?
Just until the trial.
Is that it then?
[P.c. Edwards]
Assume the position.
[Helen screaming]
Oh, he's at it again.
Gordon, there's a man out there.
That's Greg, he's with me.
Yes, but Gordon, he just-
I know, my darling.
He's doing it to everyone.
It's his job.
Really?
[Audience laughing]
Now, I can't give you long,
I've got an important
meeting to go to.
What is it you want?
Money, cash, lots of it.
Is this for your
counselling course?
No, no, it's not.
Come on, I'm in a hurry too.
My darling, what's it for?
I don't know.
How do you expect me to know?
If I'm gonna give
you money, my sweet,
I'd like to know what it's for.
Well so would I but that's
not how it's done, is it?
Come on, give it,
empty your pockets.
[Audience laughing]
Right, now before we
start the meeting, everyone,
a little question.
Has anyone noticed
anything unusual this morning?
Yes, Colin.
Yes, Mr. Brittas, I have
something most unusual.
There was a woodpecker
in my garden this morning.
[Audience laughing]
No, Colin.
I found his little mangled
body on the step.
I think a cat
probably caught it.
No, Colin, anything
unusual here.
There's a man with a gun
at the back of the room.
That's right,
Linda, well spotted.
I expect you'd all
like to know why.
I think we would
really, Mr. Brittas.
Well, I can't tell you Linda.
Why not?
Because that information
can only be divulged
on a "strictly
need-to-know basis".
Yeah, but don't we need to know?
No, you don't, Tim.
May I know, Mr. Brittas?
No.
[Audience laughing]
Well, as deputy manager,
I need to know, Mr. Brittas.
No, you don't.
Only I know who needs to know.
I don't need to
know, Mr. Brittas.
No.
I don't need to know anything.
No, that's right, Colin.
He's with me.
He's my rapid response unit.
Anything you need
to know, ask me.
[All whispering]
Right, thank
you, Julie, for that.
Now, before I forget,
after the meeting, Tim,
birth certificate, my office.
Oh, the thing is-
no excuses.
Have you brought it in?
Yes, but you see-
good, right, now, moving on.
In the interest of monitoring
and evaluating the efficient
delivery of our service
to the community,
I'm gonna initiate
a staff review.
Oh, how lovely, Mr. Brittas.
With sketches and songs.
May I play the
piano, Mr. Brittas?
[Audience laughing]
No, Carole, it's not
that sort of review.
It's a sequentially generated
staff performance review.
Sorry, Mr. Brittas?
The basic notion, Carole,
is that each one of us
undertakes and delivers a free
and frank appraisal of a
colleague's performance.
This assessment will ascertain
the optimum attainment levels
of that colleague in pursuance
of his or her
operational duties.
I think he means how
well we're doing in our jobs.
[Audience laughing]
That's one way of
putting it, Tim, yes.
I want them by tomorrow, please.
[Linda] Tomorrow?
Yes, first thing, please.
[Tim] Gavin, I'll do
you if you do me.
[Audience laughing]
No, you can't do that, Tim.
You see this is a sequentially
generated performance review
which means each
one of us has to report
on a colleague
directly junior to us.
For example, I should
be reported on Colin.
Really, Mr. Brittas?
Yes, Colin.
I don't know what to say.
[Audience laughing]
I'm moved, deeply moved.
And honoured, and if there's
anything I can ever do for you-
well, there is, Colin.
You could report on
Gavin, Gavin could report-
no, Mr. Brittas,
that can't be right.
I'm not junior to Colin,
I'm deputy manager.
He's just a glorified handyman.
I beg your pardon.
[Audience laughing]
Well, it's true.
You spend most of the day
with your hand down the toilet.
Up the toilet, if
you don't mind.
Don't you know
anything about u-bends?
Please, please, please,
please, the point is, Gavin,
Colin is deputy manager wet.
You're only acting
deputy manager.
But he doesn't even
do the job, Mr. Brittas.
Oh yes I do.
The fact that I've
had to be removed
from certain pool
duties due to an attack
of scalp dandruff,
is neither here nor there.
Most of it's actually
still there, Colin.
[Audience laughing]
But anyway, Gavin, you
should be reported on Julie.
Julie will be doing Carole.
Mr. Brittas, whilst I appreciate
that Julie and I are on the
same administrative grade,
I've always assumed
that I was senior to her.
I mean, after all, I
have been here longer.
Yeah, but she gets
paid more than you do.
[Audience laughing]
Does she?
Quite a lot more actually, yes.
Anyway, you should
be reported on Linda.
And last but not least,
Linda will be assessing Tim.
So, I don't have to
report on anyone then?
Oh, yes you do, Timothy.
You see, this is a
360-degree appraisal
which means the subject
of your free and frank
appraisal will be...
Think about it.
You, Mr. Brittas.
Correct.
[Audience laughing]
So, in this report,
I have to say how well
I think you do your job?
That's it.
And I can say what
I like about you?
You can say all the things
you like about me, Tim.
[Audience laughing]
Any chance for a bit
of reflexology, Linda?
It's an emergency.
Oh, yes, you do
seem a bit tense.
Do I?
Oh, good, get a move on then.
Now, have you had
a reflexology before?
Yeah, once, I hated it.
I can't bear people
fiddling with my feet.
Well, just sit back
and try to relax.
No, I don't want to relax.
I want to be tense.
I want to be like
a coiled spring.
Sorry, I don't understand.
I'm going to an auction
so I need to be fully alert.
Get the adrenaline going.
Oh, it's great, you get
some real bargains.
Last week, I got an edwardian
bicycle pump for 125 pounds.
Really?
How much is it worth?
About a tenner.
But that's not the point.
The point is I got it.
I outbid everyone.
[Audience laughing]
Oh, it's a fantastic feeling.
[Helen yelping]
That's horrible.
Can you do it to this foot now?
[Audience laughing]
You see, Tim, in a
360-degree appraisal,
we're all linking arms,
we're holding hands.
We're coming together to
build a harmonious whole.
You don't build a hole, do you?
I mean, you dig a hole.
No, not a hole, a whole.
A wah-hole.
[Audience laughing]
Sorry?
A whole, not a
hole in the ground,
but a whole with a 'w', see?
A hole with a wc?
[Audience laughing]
No, no, just give me your
birth certificate, please, Tim.
Oh, do I have to?
I mean there are
certain things in it-
dss have lost you,
Tim, they can't find you.
I'm here.
Yeah but where are your
pension contributions?
There's 10 years worth of
national insurance whacking
about the computer
with nowhere to go.
They need to have your details.
Oh, all right.
But just let me
say this, Mr. Brittas.
Things aren't always
what they seem.
No, but they
usually are, Timothy.
They usually are.
Right, name, Timothy whistler.
Date of birth, hang about.
This is not your
birth certificate, Tim.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
It's the birth certificate-
yes, yes, I know what it says.
That's my real name.
What, Timothy goebbels?
[Audience laughing]
Yes.
Your name is goebbels?
No, not anymore.
I'm sorry, Tim,
you're losing me.
Look, I was born goebbels.
My mother was German.
Right, and your father...
"Not known".
[Audience laughing]
So, legally speaking,
Tim, you're a German.
Who exactly are you, Tim?
Tim, Tim goebbels.
But obviously I wanted
to keep it private.
What, private goebbels?
[Mr. Brittas laughing]
Look, I got rid of goebbels
years and years ago.
What, you killed him?
[Audience laughing]
No, I just became whistler.
So who's this whistler?
There is no whistler, I
just made it up, all right?
No, it's not all right.
You can't just make yourself up.
Does this Timothy whistler
have a birth certificate?
No.
Or a national insurance number?
No.
Are there any legal
documents at all
for this so-called
Timothy whistler?
No.
Right, so there's
nothing to prove
that Timothy whistler
actually exists?
Well, no, apart from
the fact that I am here.
Not according to
the dss, Timothy.
To them, you're a non-person.
And you can't argue with
a government department.
Legally speaking,
you are not here.
So, as far as I'm concerned,
young man, you don't exist.
There is no Timothy whistler.
[Audience laughing]
Assume the position.
And which position would
sir like me to assume?
That's enough,
Greg, put it away.
Oh, he's not upsetting
you is he, Carole?
Of course not.
A professional
receptionist is never upset
in the course of her duties.
She is trained to deal
with every eventuality
with courtesy,
respect, and Patience.
Crap.
[Audience laughing]
Mr. Brittas's mnemonic.
You'll find professionalism
is my middle name.
You might like to
put that in your report.
Where's this letter then?
Here it is.
Now listen, have you
started doing your report?
I've started mine on Linda.
I'm giving her a glowing report.
Oh, Greg, it's another one.
"I'll get you in the end."
This is the fourth one I've had.
Threatening letters.
"I'm coming for you."
"You can run, but
you can't hide."
"Make my day."
Someone's trying to kill me.
It's beginning to
get on my nerves.
Zero one, this is PC
g.E., yeah, another one.
With respect, Julie,
who'd want to kill you?
I ask, of course, with
courtesy and Patience.
[Audience laughing]
Professional hitmen.
Do you remember a year
ago I saw that robbery?
Well, they're
coming up for trial
and I'm the star prosecution
witness apparently.
So, they're trying
to get rid of me.
So that's why Greg's here.
Police protection.
47, 51, 10, 4, 10 minutes.
Is he talking to headquarters?
No, ho-boun, the
Chinese takeaway.
[Audience laughing]
I've never known
anyone eat so much.
Morning, noon and night.
You mean he's with you?
Yeah, 24 hours.
He never sleeps.
Which is quite good really
'cause he's the one who
gets up and feeds the baby.
How does Alex take to that?
Alex?
Your Alex, the baby's father.
Oh, him.
No, I haven't seen him
since I chucked him.
[Audience laughing]
Oh, yes, well, it's very
difficult being a single parent,
isn't it?
I know.
Although, I've never let it
adversely affect my work.
Perhaps you might like
to put that in your report.
Oh, I'm not doing one of those.
I can't be fagged.
Why not?
You must, it's very important.
It's my career.
I want to get on.
I want to make
something of my life.
I just want to hang on to mine.
[Audience laughing]
[Audience laughing]
You're spying on me, aren't you?
Yes.
Haven't you got
anything better to do?
No toilets to unblock?
I am assessing your
optimum attainment level
in pursuance of your
operational duties.
Though frankly,
Mr. Acting deputy manager,
I have yet to find out
what those duties are.
[Audience laughing]
Give it a rest.
Insubordination.
[Audience laughing]
So what are you doing
out here then, skiving?
No, I'm making sure that
there's no unauthorised parking
in reserved parking places.
I see, skiving.
On Mr. Brittas's orders?
No, Colin.
Some of us don't need
to be told what to do.
Some of us use initiative.
Going behind Mr. Brittas's back.
[Audience laughing]
In an attempt to
undermine his authority.
I noticed that there are
no illegally parked cars.
No, thanks to me.
No thanks to Gavin.
[Audience laughing]
I'm going.
I've got a job to do.
Well, make sure you
don't block the toilet again.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Brittas, I'm
afraid you can't park there.
What?
You see these spaces are for...
No, nothing.
You park wherever you want.
I've had a fantastic
afternoon, Colin.
I went to the auction.
35 pounds,
miscellaneous bric-a-brac.
Brilliant, I got such
a buzz I went blind.
Oh, Mrs. Brittas,
are you all right now?
Are you sure you
should be driving?
I mean I was bidding unseen.
[Audience laughing]
There could be anything in here.
It's a sort of-
pandora's box.
No, no, it's mine.
[Audience laughing]
I outbid everyone.
It's like a sort of lucky dip.
There's a-
good lord, Mrs. Brittas,
I haven't seen one of those
since I was 12 years old.
What is it?
It's a pea shooter.
Interestingly enough, seldom
used for the shooting of peas.
I myself used
chewed-up blotting paper.
Over a three-year
period, I managed
to pebbledash the entire
ceiling of the chemistry lab.
[Audience laughing]
You have it then,
Colin, keep it.
No, no, I couldn't.
Yes, yes, you must.
You see, Colin, it's
important to learn how to give
but it's just as important
to learn how to receive.
That's what we're
doing this week
on my counselling course.
It's called transactional
psycho synthesis.
Fascinating, I expect.
You see, the act of
receiving is itself an act
of generosity.
By accepting my gift to you,
you give me the
pleasure of giving.
I derive pleasure from giving.
I should be thanking you.
So thank you, Colin, thank you.
No, no, thank you.
[Whistle blowing]
Clear the pool, please.
Everyone out.
Unsupervised swimming is
against council regulations.
Oh, but Mr. Brittas, I'm here.
Due to an oversight,
it would appear that
no one is on duty.
What are you talking about?
Ah, Linda, I'm
glad you've arrived.
Could you take over, please?
I'm afraid the
pool has been left
without a qualified lifeguard.
What about Tim?
Who?
Tim, Tim, there.
[Audience laughing]
Tim whistler.
I'm sorry, there
is no Tim whistler.
It is now safe to
return to the pool.
Linda is here.
She's a qualified lifeguard.
Everyone back
in the pool, please.
[Whistle blowing]
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Brittas, it's lovely.
I think it's gilt, isn't it?
No, no, I don't
feel guilt anymore.
[Audience laughing]
It's a simple act of
giving and receiving.
One friend to another.
No, no, I mean gilt as
in golden, not as in...
Oh, you know, "oh, I'm
so sorry, it's all my fault."
What is?
[Audience laughing]
Do you want to come and
see me for some counselling,
you know, to talk about it?
Talk about what?
These feelings
of guilt and, well,
I suppose low self-esteem.
I don't have any
low self-esteem.
Oh, come on, you must have.
No.
[Audience laughing]
No, I don't.
Not after my assertive training.
Yeah, that didn't work, did it?
Yes, yes it did.
Mostly.
It's good to talk, Carole.
You can turn things around.
I did.
You could be like me.
Really?
[Audience laughing]
Let's see if we can
find something for Ben.
Oh, look, here's
a little water pistol.
Now, something for the twins.
Oh, look at this.
"I've been to Gravesend."
[Audience laughing]
Oh, Gravesend.
There used to be
a lovely little bistro
on the river there called
'the lonely mariner'.
I'm sure he had
very low self-esteem.
[Audience laughing]
Carole, where's Colin?
He's gone through to the
staff restroom, Mr. Brittas.
Gordon, "I've been
to Gravesend."
Have you, my darling?
That was quick.
[Audience laughing]
No, no, look, this is for you.
"I've been to Gravesend."
You've been all the
way down to Gravesend
to buy me a cigarette case.
You know I don't
approve of smoking.
No, no, no, it's a
present, a souvenir.
It's supposed to
make you remember.
But I've never smoked, my angel.
[Audience laughing]
Just take it.
Don't be so selfish.
Learn to receive.
Graciously.
[Audience laughing]
What are you doing, Colin?
I'm timing Gavin, Mr. Brittas.
He told me he had a job to do
but I didn't think it
would be this big a job.
He's been in there
for 23 minutes.
Colin?
He's skiving, Mr. Brittas.
According to a recent
time and motion study,
the average duration
of a bowel movement
in this company is 6.72 seconds.
Though, of course, there
are regional variations due
to diet considerations,
intake of fibre, curry,
Brussels sprouts, and so on.
[Audience laughing]
Colin.
Well, 23 minutes is pushing
it in anybody's language.
[Audience laughing]
Colin, while you've
been in here timing
what Gavin is doing in there,
officially speaking, no one
has been Manning the pool.
Tim's supposed to
be Manning the pool.
I'm afraid to say that,
officially speaking,
Timothy whistler does not exist.
But I saw him less
than an hour ago.
Ah, you may have
thought you saw him.
I'm with you now, Mr. Brittas.
It's a bit of a philosophical
poser, isn't it, eh?
Does Timothy
whistler still exist
when I can no longer
see that he exists.
[Audience laughing]
It's descartes, isn't it?
No, it's goebbels.
[Audience laughing]
No, no, I am
sure it's descartes.
I read it on the back
of a weetabix box.
"Great thinkers
through history."
Seeing is believing.
Take this chair.
Colin, what are you
rabbiting on about?
Your philosophical
conundrum, Mr. Brittas.
Now, I can see
that this chair exists
but does it still exist
if I close my eyes
and can no longer see it?
[Door slamming]
[Audience laughing]
No, Colin.
And that's coming
out of your wages.
Assume the position.
Oh, sorry about this.
I had to bring Greg down.
You see, he has to
go everywhere with me
but that means I have to
go everywhere with him,
and he needs to go badly.
[Audience laughing]
Come on, Greg.
Uh, Julie, you can't go
into the gents with him.
I know that.
We go to the ladies.
[Door crashing]
[Gavin yelling]
24 minutes, 50 seconds.
[Audience laughing]
Bye, Carole, see you tomorrow.
Oh, Linda, before you go.
When was it you
won best of breed.
Sorry?
Which year in the county show?
It was when I was four.
My dog won, not me, why?
[Audience laughing]
Well, I'm putting
it in the report.
"Chapter four, little
Linda's lurcher is top dog."
Do they really need
to know all this?
It's supposed to
be a job appraisal.
This is background information,
it's absolutely essential.
If it's worth doing,
it's worth doing well.
[Child laughing]
Ben, stop it.
It's the water pistol.
[Audience laughing]
Here's your cocoa.
Thank you, my darling.
Oh, it's thank you now, is it?
[Helen scoffs]
Do I sense a certain
atmosphere, my sweet?
I don't think you
sense anything.
Sensitivity isn't your
strong point is it, Gordon?
Is this about the
cigarette case?
Well, of course it is.
I gave a little present to
everyone in the centre today.
Giving and receiving.
Everyone accepted graciously.
Except you.
I'm sorry, my darling.
I didn't realise it
meant so much to you.
I will treasure it.
I will keep it next to my heart.
How could you forget Gravesend?
I've never been to Gravesend.
[Audience laughing]
Oh no, so where were you
on my birthday
two years ago then?
Two years ago, let me see.
Of course, management training
weekend at hemel hempstead,
wasn't it?
[Audience laughing]
Can I get you some
more cocoa, Gordon?
No, thank you, my darling.
I do love you really, you know?
Yes, I know you do.
I don't deserve you.
I'm such a fool.
I'm always jumping to
the wrong conclusions.
Always getting things wrong.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no you're not.
[Audience laughing]
So, I'm wrong again?
Pardon?
I bet I got all the other
presents wrong too.
They probably didn't want them.
They were probably
just being polite.
Oh, god, I feel so stupid now.
I don't know why I felt the need
to give everyone
a present anyway.
I expect, my darling,
you thought you were
doing it for the best.
But remember, you
can't buy friendship.
Is that what I was doing?
I remember when I was
at school, my darling,
we had one little lad
who always carried a bag
of sweeties around with him.
And he always gave sweets
to all the other boys and girls
because he wanted
them to be his friends.
But do you think he
could buy their friendship?
No.
It didn't work for me then.
[Audience laughing]
It's not gonna work for you now.
So, if you never knew
your father's name,
why the name whistler?
Oh, well he was a
whistler, you see?
He was a guide and
his whistle was the signal
that the coast was clear.
He was east Germany,
never came across himself.
No, but your mother came across.
[Audience laughing]
So so beautiful.
I'd have used the sewers myself.
[Door crashing]
Assume the position.
Give it a rest, Greg.
Heel, sit.
[Audience laughing]
Right, morning, all.
Staff performance review time.
I hope you've all got
your reports finished
'cause they're gonna
help me enormously
with my process
re-engineering strategy.
What's that then?
Any questions?
Yes, what's that then?
None at all?
[Audience laughing]
Yes, Mr. Brittas,
what's that then?
What's that then,
good question, Gavin.
Process re-engineering strategy
creates an efficient
lean machine.
I think he's gonna make
somebody redundant.
Right, Linda, can I have
your report on me, please.
I've done one on Tim.
I've done one on you.
It's a belter.
I'm afraid you've been
wasting your time then,
haven't you, Linda?
According to the dss,
we do not have an employee
called Timothy whistler.
[Audience laughing]
Right, Julie, your
report on Carole, please.
Oh, I couldn't be fagged.
I beg your pardon.
I haven't done one.
Julie, this is very bad.
Do you wanna
make something of it?
[Audience laughing]
No, no hurry.
In your own time.
Gavin?
It's my writing
hand, Mr. Brittas.
Ah.
Colin, where's your
report on Gavin?
Who knows, Mr. Brittas?
[Audience laughing]
Sorry?
Does it exist?
Did it ever exist?
Do I exist?
Is life but a dream?
Has he been cleaning
out the septic tank again?
Does an object still exist
in the room after I have left?
Our old friend descartes.
Colin, I just want
the flaming report.
[Audience laughing]
Well, that's what I'm
trying to tell you, Mr. Brittas.
I was finishing my report
in the pub last night.
Not a very complimentary
one, I must say so.
If you are looking
for redundancies-
get on with it.
Well, as I said, I was
finishing my report,
which I put on the table,
when I had to nip
out for a quick...
For a comfort break.
[Audience laughing]
Mr. Brittas, and when I got
back, the report was gone.
It no longer exists.
Descartes strikes again.
[Audience laughing]
Well, I am appalled.
I am-
a Wally.
[Audience laughing]
I finished mine, Mr. Brittas.
[Audience laughing]
I've called it
'love conquers all'.
It's a heartwarming saga of a
young girl's passionate quest
for fulfilment through fitness.
"Linda's heart
swelled with pride
"and the colour
Rose in her cheeks
"as she threw open the
doors to the gymnasium.
"What a day to...
What sort of drivel
is this, Carole?
You see, I did my
best, Mr. Brittas.
Thought I'd make it more
interesting, you know?
More in depth.
Yeah, well frankly, Carole,
you're out of your depth.
Thank you, Mr. Brittas.
Right, what
conclusions can we draw
from the staff
performance review?
Uh.
That it has been a great success
because it has
been a total failure.
What a jerk.
[Audience laughing]
It has conclusively demonstrated
that we don't have the
time to do our everyday jobs
and to report on each other.
We're overworked
and understaffed.
Only yesterday,
there was a potentially
life-threatening incident
in the pool because
it was left unattended.
You prat.
[Audience laughing]
Which means we have a
vacancy for a pool attendant.
Applicants should
have a polite personality,
previous experience
as a lifeguard,
and be able to prove they exist.
[Audience laughing]
[Earpiece gargling]
Yeah?
[Earpiece] Code 14,
[Indistinct] Has been suspended.
Return to base.
Okay, Roger.
What was Roger on about?
What's code 14?
They're pleading guilty.
You won't be going to court.
You don't need protection.
Oh, but I was enjoying myself.
It's been fun.
And you get served
much quicker in the pub
when you're with a
gun-toting bodyguard.
[Audience laughing]
The thing is, Mr. Brittas,
I'm a little bit worried
because you haven't actually
mentioned your report on me.
Don't worry, Colin, it's
generally pretty good.
It's hovering between a
b plus and a b plus plus.
Oh, bless you, Mr. Brittas.
I was so nervous,
it's such a relief.
Yeah, so I see.
[Audience laughing]
Oh no, no, that
wasn't me, Mr. Brittas.
It was Ben, the little scamp.
Ben and his water pistol.
I took the Liberty
of confiscating it.
[Linda screaming]
Oh, shut up.
What did you do that for?
I've learned to give,
I've learned to receive,
and now I'm learning
to take back what's mine,
if you don't mind.
[Audience laughing]
Yes, so I've told Tim to apply.
Mrs. Brittas?
Come on, give.
I'm sorry?
The water pistol, where is it?
Well, Ben had a little
accident and Colin took it away.
He had no right to.
I'm the one who's learning
how to take things away.
Where's yours?
My what?
The book.
Oh, this.
I'm enjoying it actually,
it's really rather g-
tough luck.
[Audience laughing]
And don't expect Gordon to
give you any sweets either.
We don't buy friendship.
[Audience laughing]
[Door knocking]
Hello, I understand
there's a vacancy
for a pool attendant?
Indeed, and you are?
Timothy, Timothy goebbels.
Good, Mr. Goebbels.
[Audience laughing]
Come in, take a seat, please.
Have you done this
sort of work before?
Oh, come on, Mr. Brittas,
you know I have.
Excellent.
Well, Tim, may I call you Tim?
Well, that is my name.
You can't always be sure.
I have been caught
out in the past.
Well, I'm glad to say
you've interviewed very well,
Mr. Goebbels,
you've got the job.
As simple as that.
Yes, well, in fact, no,
because, you see,
you're German, aren't you?
No, my mother was German-
you are, in fact, a euro import.
Now, council regulations
mean I won't be employing you
but I'll be buying
in your services.
Sorry?
And as a freelance,
I won't be able
to pay you the same wage.
Yeah, that figures.
No, I'll be paying
you quite a lot more.
Really?
In deutsche marks.
[Audience laughing]
You see, as a
contracted employee,
you come from a
different part of the budget.
You're an ec acquisition,
alternative services.
Paying you more represents
a considerable saving.
It's called creative
accountancy.
Sorry, I don't understand.
No, I'm not surprised.
It's a four-weekend course.
[Audience laughing]
Anyway, Timothy, welcome to
whitbury-newtown leisure centre.
I've got most of them back
and I don't think I've
got a single friend left
in the building.
Is that all right, Gordon?
Just got to find Colin now.
Oh, Julie.
[Julie] Yeah?
These flowers have
arrived for you and this letter.
Oh, Greg, it's another one.
I'm not out of the woods yet.
Oh, god.
Another threat?
"You're going to
be mine forever.
"Please marry me.
"Your little lamb chop, Alex."
It all makes sense now.
What a berk.
"I'll get you in the end."
"Make my day."
It's Alex proposing again.
It's been him all along.
How nice.
Love conquers all.
[Audience laughing]
You don't have to
go just yet, do you?
You know, 'cause there
could be other people trying
to kill me but they just
haven't bothered to write.
[Audience laughing]
You'll love it here,
Tim, I know I do.
This place is my life.
Go on, give it to him.
Ah, Mr. Brittas, here's
the gun and shooter.
[P.c. Edwards gun firing]
[All screaming]
[Audience laughing]
Oh no.
[Audience laughing]
Look what you've done.
This was a present
from my wife, you vandal.
He's ruined it, darling.
It saved your life.
"I've been to Gravesend."
[Audience laughing]
Well, I'm glad you did now.
Colin?
You all right?
Fine, thank you, Mr. Brittas.
I've just been shot
through the head, that's all.
[Audience laughing]
A mere flesh wound.
I'll be back to work on Monday.
Can't let the side down
when we're understaffed, eh?
Good man, Colin.
I'll put it in your report.
Thank you, Mr. Brittas.
And may I say, it's an honour
to share the same bullet
with you.
[Audience laughing]
[Audience applauding]
[Light military band music]
Julie, can you come in
and take a letter, please?
[Door crashing]
[Audience laughing]
Come on, get on with
it, I'm eating a yoghourt.
Thank you, Julie.
Right,
"dear counsellor druggett,
re your memo of the 14th inst,
"I'm seeking clarification
on council policy
"regarding the buying
in of alternative services.
"Can I take it
this does not refer
"to alternative
religious services,
"as was first thought?
"If so, I shall inform the
reverend Bernie Simpson
"that he can no longer
hold voodoo sacrifices
"in the squash courts."
[Audience laughing]
"Yours, et cetera, et cetera.
"Oh, p.S., most of
the chicken blood has
"now been successfully
removed from the walls."
[Door slamming]
Greg, mind my yoghourts.
How long is this
gonna go on for, Julie?
Just until the trial.
Is that it then?
[P.c. Edwards]
Assume the position.
[Helen screaming]
Oh, he's at it again.
Gordon, there's a man out there.
That's Greg, he's with me.
Yes, but Gordon, he just-
I know, my darling.
He's doing it to everyone.
It's his job.
Really?
[Audience laughing]
Now, I can't give you long,
I've got an important
meeting to go to.
What is it you want?
Money, cash, lots of it.
Is this for your
counselling course?
No, no, it's not.
Come on, I'm in a hurry too.
My darling, what's it for?
I don't know.
How do you expect me to know?
If I'm gonna give
you money, my sweet,
I'd like to know what it's for.
Well so would I but that's
not how it's done, is it?
Come on, give it,
empty your pockets.
[Audience laughing]
Right, now before we
start the meeting, everyone,
a little question.
Has anyone noticed
anything unusual this morning?
Yes, Colin.
Yes, Mr. Brittas, I have
something most unusual.
There was a woodpecker
in my garden this morning.
[Audience laughing]
No, Colin.
I found his little mangled
body on the step.
I think a cat
probably caught it.
No, Colin, anything
unusual here.
There's a man with a gun
at the back of the room.
That's right,
Linda, well spotted.
I expect you'd all
like to know why.
I think we would
really, Mr. Brittas.
Well, I can't tell you Linda.
Why not?
Because that information
can only be divulged
on a "strictly
need-to-know basis".
Yeah, but don't we need to know?
No, you don't, Tim.
May I know, Mr. Brittas?
No.
[Audience laughing]
Well, as deputy manager,
I need to know, Mr. Brittas.
No, you don't.
Only I know who needs to know.
I don't need to
know, Mr. Brittas.
No.
I don't need to know anything.
No, that's right, Colin.
He's with me.
He's my rapid response unit.
Anything you need
to know, ask me.
[All whispering]
Right, thank
you, Julie, for that.
Now, before I forget,
after the meeting, Tim,
birth certificate, my office.
Oh, the thing is-
no excuses.
Have you brought it in?
Yes, but you see-
good, right, now, moving on.
In the interest of monitoring
and evaluating the efficient
delivery of our service
to the community,
I'm gonna initiate
a staff review.
Oh, how lovely, Mr. Brittas.
With sketches and songs.
May I play the
piano, Mr. Brittas?
[Audience laughing]
No, Carole, it's not
that sort of review.
It's a sequentially generated
staff performance review.
Sorry, Mr. Brittas?
The basic notion, Carole,
is that each one of us
undertakes and delivers a free
and frank appraisal of a
colleague's performance.
This assessment will ascertain
the optimum attainment levels
of that colleague in pursuance
of his or her
operational duties.
I think he means how
well we're doing in our jobs.
[Audience laughing]
That's one way of
putting it, Tim, yes.
I want them by tomorrow, please.
[Linda] Tomorrow?
Yes, first thing, please.
[Tim] Gavin, I'll do
you if you do me.
[Audience laughing]
No, you can't do that, Tim.
You see this is a sequentially
generated performance review
which means each
one of us has to report
on a colleague
directly junior to us.
For example, I should
be reported on Colin.
Really, Mr. Brittas?
Yes, Colin.
I don't know what to say.
[Audience laughing]
I'm moved, deeply moved.
And honoured, and if there's
anything I can ever do for you-
well, there is, Colin.
You could report on
Gavin, Gavin could report-
no, Mr. Brittas,
that can't be right.
I'm not junior to Colin,
I'm deputy manager.
He's just a glorified handyman.
I beg your pardon.
[Audience laughing]
Well, it's true.
You spend most of the day
with your hand down the toilet.
Up the toilet, if
you don't mind.
Don't you know
anything about u-bends?
Please, please, please,
please, the point is, Gavin,
Colin is deputy manager wet.
You're only acting
deputy manager.
But he doesn't even
do the job, Mr. Brittas.
Oh yes I do.
The fact that I've
had to be removed
from certain pool
duties due to an attack
of scalp dandruff,
is neither here nor there.
Most of it's actually
still there, Colin.
[Audience laughing]
But anyway, Gavin, you
should be reported on Julie.
Julie will be doing Carole.
Mr. Brittas, whilst I appreciate
that Julie and I are on the
same administrative grade,
I've always assumed
that I was senior to her.
I mean, after all, I
have been here longer.
Yeah, but she gets
paid more than you do.
[Audience laughing]
Does she?
Quite a lot more actually, yes.
Anyway, you should
be reported on Linda.
And last but not least,
Linda will be assessing Tim.
So, I don't have to
report on anyone then?
Oh, yes you do, Timothy.
You see, this is a
360-degree appraisal
which means the subject
of your free and frank
appraisal will be...
Think about it.
You, Mr. Brittas.
Correct.
[Audience laughing]
So, in this report,
I have to say how well
I think you do your job?
That's it.
And I can say what
I like about you?
You can say all the things
you like about me, Tim.
[Audience laughing]
Any chance for a bit
of reflexology, Linda?
It's an emergency.
Oh, yes, you do
seem a bit tense.
Do I?
Oh, good, get a move on then.
Now, have you had
a reflexology before?
Yeah, once, I hated it.
I can't bear people
fiddling with my feet.
Well, just sit back
and try to relax.
No, I don't want to relax.
I want to be tense.
I want to be like
a coiled spring.
Sorry, I don't understand.
I'm going to an auction
so I need to be fully alert.
Get the adrenaline going.
Oh, it's great, you get
some real bargains.
Last week, I got an edwardian
bicycle pump for 125 pounds.
Really?
How much is it worth?
About a tenner.
But that's not the point.
The point is I got it.
I outbid everyone.
[Audience laughing]
Oh, it's a fantastic feeling.
[Helen yelping]
That's horrible.
Can you do it to this foot now?
[Audience laughing]
You see, Tim, in a
360-degree appraisal,
we're all linking arms,
we're holding hands.
We're coming together to
build a harmonious whole.
You don't build a hole, do you?
I mean, you dig a hole.
No, not a hole, a whole.
A wah-hole.
[Audience laughing]
Sorry?
A whole, not a
hole in the ground,
but a whole with a 'w', see?
A hole with a wc?
[Audience laughing]
No, no, just give me your
birth certificate, please, Tim.
Oh, do I have to?
I mean there are
certain things in it-
dss have lost you,
Tim, they can't find you.
I'm here.
Yeah but where are your
pension contributions?
There's 10 years worth of
national insurance whacking
about the computer
with nowhere to go.
They need to have your details.
Oh, all right.
But just let me
say this, Mr. Brittas.
Things aren't always
what they seem.
No, but they
usually are, Timothy.
They usually are.
Right, name, Timothy whistler.
Date of birth, hang about.
This is not your
birth certificate, Tim.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
It's the birth certificate-
yes, yes, I know what it says.
That's my real name.
What, Timothy goebbels?
[Audience laughing]
Yes.
Your name is goebbels?
No, not anymore.
I'm sorry, Tim,
you're losing me.
Look, I was born goebbels.
My mother was German.
Right, and your father...
"Not known".
[Audience laughing]
So, legally speaking,
Tim, you're a German.
Who exactly are you, Tim?
Tim, Tim goebbels.
But obviously I wanted
to keep it private.
What, private goebbels?
[Mr. Brittas laughing]
Look, I got rid of goebbels
years and years ago.
What, you killed him?
[Audience laughing]
No, I just became whistler.
So who's this whistler?
There is no whistler, I
just made it up, all right?
No, it's not all right.
You can't just make yourself up.
Does this Timothy whistler
have a birth certificate?
No.
Or a national insurance number?
No.
Are there any legal
documents at all
for this so-called
Timothy whistler?
No.
Right, so there's
nothing to prove
that Timothy whistler
actually exists?
Well, no, apart from
the fact that I am here.
Not according to
the dss, Timothy.
To them, you're a non-person.
And you can't argue with
a government department.
Legally speaking,
you are not here.
So, as far as I'm concerned,
young man, you don't exist.
There is no Timothy whistler.
[Audience laughing]
Assume the position.
And which position would
sir like me to assume?
That's enough,
Greg, put it away.
Oh, he's not upsetting
you is he, Carole?
Of course not.
A professional
receptionist is never upset
in the course of her duties.
She is trained to deal
with every eventuality
with courtesy,
respect, and Patience.
Crap.
[Audience laughing]
Mr. Brittas's mnemonic.
You'll find professionalism
is my middle name.
You might like to
put that in your report.
Where's this letter then?
Here it is.
Now listen, have you
started doing your report?
I've started mine on Linda.
I'm giving her a glowing report.
Oh, Greg, it's another one.
"I'll get you in the end."
This is the fourth one I've had.
Threatening letters.
"I'm coming for you."
"You can run, but
you can't hide."
"Make my day."
Someone's trying to kill me.
It's beginning to
get on my nerves.
Zero one, this is PC
g.E., yeah, another one.
With respect, Julie,
who'd want to kill you?
I ask, of course, with
courtesy and Patience.
[Audience laughing]
Professional hitmen.
Do you remember a year
ago I saw that robbery?
Well, they're
coming up for trial
and I'm the star prosecution
witness apparently.
So, they're trying
to get rid of me.
So that's why Greg's here.
Police protection.
47, 51, 10, 4, 10 minutes.
Is he talking to headquarters?
No, ho-boun, the
Chinese takeaway.
[Audience laughing]
I've never known
anyone eat so much.
Morning, noon and night.
You mean he's with you?
Yeah, 24 hours.
He never sleeps.
Which is quite good really
'cause he's the one who
gets up and feeds the baby.
How does Alex take to that?
Alex?
Your Alex, the baby's father.
Oh, him.
No, I haven't seen him
since I chucked him.
[Audience laughing]
Oh, yes, well, it's very
difficult being a single parent,
isn't it?
I know.
Although, I've never let it
adversely affect my work.
Perhaps you might like
to put that in your report.
Oh, I'm not doing one of those.
I can't be fagged.
Why not?
You must, it's very important.
It's my career.
I want to get on.
I want to make
something of my life.
I just want to hang on to mine.
[Audience laughing]
[Audience laughing]
You're spying on me, aren't you?
Yes.
Haven't you got
anything better to do?
No toilets to unblock?
I am assessing your
optimum attainment level
in pursuance of your
operational duties.
Though frankly,
Mr. Acting deputy manager,
I have yet to find out
what those duties are.
[Audience laughing]
Give it a rest.
Insubordination.
[Audience laughing]
So what are you doing
out here then, skiving?
No, I'm making sure that
there's no unauthorised parking
in reserved parking places.
I see, skiving.
On Mr. Brittas's orders?
No, Colin.
Some of us don't need
to be told what to do.
Some of us use initiative.
Going behind Mr. Brittas's back.
[Audience laughing]
In an attempt to
undermine his authority.
I noticed that there are
no illegally parked cars.
No, thanks to me.
No thanks to Gavin.
[Audience laughing]
I'm going.
I've got a job to do.
Well, make sure you
don't block the toilet again.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Brittas, I'm
afraid you can't park there.
What?
You see these spaces are for...
No, nothing.
You park wherever you want.
I've had a fantastic
afternoon, Colin.
I went to the auction.
35 pounds,
miscellaneous bric-a-brac.
Brilliant, I got such
a buzz I went blind.
Oh, Mrs. Brittas,
are you all right now?
Are you sure you
should be driving?
I mean I was bidding unseen.
[Audience laughing]
There could be anything in here.
It's a sort of-
pandora's box.
No, no, it's mine.
[Audience laughing]
I outbid everyone.
It's like a sort of lucky dip.
There's a-
good lord, Mrs. Brittas,
I haven't seen one of those
since I was 12 years old.
What is it?
It's a pea shooter.
Interestingly enough, seldom
used for the shooting of peas.
I myself used
chewed-up blotting paper.
Over a three-year
period, I managed
to pebbledash the entire
ceiling of the chemistry lab.
[Audience laughing]
You have it then,
Colin, keep it.
No, no, I couldn't.
Yes, yes, you must.
You see, Colin, it's
important to learn how to give
but it's just as important
to learn how to receive.
That's what we're
doing this week
on my counselling course.
It's called transactional
psycho synthesis.
Fascinating, I expect.
You see, the act of
receiving is itself an act
of generosity.
By accepting my gift to you,
you give me the
pleasure of giving.
I derive pleasure from giving.
I should be thanking you.
So thank you, Colin, thank you.
No, no, thank you.
[Whistle blowing]
Clear the pool, please.
Everyone out.
Unsupervised swimming is
against council regulations.
Oh, but Mr. Brittas, I'm here.
Due to an oversight,
it would appear that
no one is on duty.
What are you talking about?
Ah, Linda, I'm
glad you've arrived.
Could you take over, please?
I'm afraid the
pool has been left
without a qualified lifeguard.
What about Tim?
Who?
Tim, Tim, there.
[Audience laughing]
Tim whistler.
I'm sorry, there
is no Tim whistler.
It is now safe to
return to the pool.
Linda is here.
She's a qualified lifeguard.
Everyone back
in the pool, please.
[Whistle blowing]
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Brittas, it's lovely.
I think it's gilt, isn't it?
No, no, I don't
feel guilt anymore.
[Audience laughing]
It's a simple act of
giving and receiving.
One friend to another.
No, no, I mean gilt as
in golden, not as in...
Oh, you know, "oh, I'm
so sorry, it's all my fault."
What is?
[Audience laughing]
Do you want to come and
see me for some counselling,
you know, to talk about it?
Talk about what?
These feelings
of guilt and, well,
I suppose low self-esteem.
I don't have any
low self-esteem.
Oh, come on, you must have.
No.
[Audience laughing]
No, I don't.
Not after my assertive training.
Yeah, that didn't work, did it?
Yes, yes it did.
Mostly.
It's good to talk, Carole.
You can turn things around.
I did.
You could be like me.
Really?
[Audience laughing]
Let's see if we can
find something for Ben.
Oh, look, here's
a little water pistol.
Now, something for the twins.
Oh, look at this.
"I've been to Gravesend."
[Audience laughing]
Oh, Gravesend.
There used to be
a lovely little bistro
on the river there called
'the lonely mariner'.
I'm sure he had
very low self-esteem.
[Audience laughing]
Carole, where's Colin?
He's gone through to the
staff restroom, Mr. Brittas.
Gordon, "I've been
to Gravesend."
Have you, my darling?
That was quick.
[Audience laughing]
No, no, look, this is for you.
"I've been to Gravesend."
You've been all the
way down to Gravesend
to buy me a cigarette case.
You know I don't
approve of smoking.
No, no, no, it's a
present, a souvenir.
It's supposed to
make you remember.
But I've never smoked, my angel.
[Audience laughing]
Just take it.
Don't be so selfish.
Learn to receive.
Graciously.
[Audience laughing]
What are you doing, Colin?
I'm timing Gavin, Mr. Brittas.
He told me he had a job to do
but I didn't think it
would be this big a job.
He's been in there
for 23 minutes.
Colin?
He's skiving, Mr. Brittas.
According to a recent
time and motion study,
the average duration
of a bowel movement
in this company is 6.72 seconds.
Though, of course, there
are regional variations due
to diet considerations,
intake of fibre, curry,
Brussels sprouts, and so on.
[Audience laughing]
Colin.
Well, 23 minutes is pushing
it in anybody's language.
[Audience laughing]
Colin, while you've
been in here timing
what Gavin is doing in there,
officially speaking, no one
has been Manning the pool.
Tim's supposed to
be Manning the pool.
I'm afraid to say that,
officially speaking,
Timothy whistler does not exist.
But I saw him less
than an hour ago.
Ah, you may have
thought you saw him.
I'm with you now, Mr. Brittas.
It's a bit of a philosophical
poser, isn't it, eh?
Does Timothy
whistler still exist
when I can no longer
see that he exists.
[Audience laughing]
It's descartes, isn't it?
No, it's goebbels.
[Audience laughing]
No, no, I am
sure it's descartes.
I read it on the back
of a weetabix box.
"Great thinkers
through history."
Seeing is believing.
Take this chair.
Colin, what are you
rabbiting on about?
Your philosophical
conundrum, Mr. Brittas.
Now, I can see
that this chair exists
but does it still exist
if I close my eyes
and can no longer see it?
[Door slamming]
[Audience laughing]
No, Colin.
And that's coming
out of your wages.
Assume the position.
Oh, sorry about this.
I had to bring Greg down.
You see, he has to
go everywhere with me
but that means I have to
go everywhere with him,
and he needs to go badly.
[Audience laughing]
Come on, Greg.
Uh, Julie, you can't go
into the gents with him.
I know that.
We go to the ladies.
[Door crashing]
[Gavin yelling]
24 minutes, 50 seconds.
[Audience laughing]
Bye, Carole, see you tomorrow.
Oh, Linda, before you go.
When was it you
won best of breed.
Sorry?
Which year in the county show?
It was when I was four.
My dog won, not me, why?
[Audience laughing]
Well, I'm putting
it in the report.
"Chapter four, little
Linda's lurcher is top dog."
Do they really need
to know all this?
It's supposed to
be a job appraisal.
This is background information,
it's absolutely essential.
If it's worth doing,
it's worth doing well.
[Child laughing]
Ben, stop it.
It's the water pistol.
[Audience laughing]
Here's your cocoa.
Thank you, my darling.
Oh, it's thank you now, is it?
[Helen scoffs]
Do I sense a certain
atmosphere, my sweet?
I don't think you
sense anything.
Sensitivity isn't your
strong point is it, Gordon?
Is this about the
cigarette case?
Well, of course it is.
I gave a little present to
everyone in the centre today.
Giving and receiving.
Everyone accepted graciously.
Except you.
I'm sorry, my darling.
I didn't realise it
meant so much to you.
I will treasure it.
I will keep it next to my heart.
How could you forget Gravesend?
I've never been to Gravesend.
[Audience laughing]
Oh no, so where were you
on my birthday
two years ago then?
Two years ago, let me see.
Of course, management training
weekend at hemel hempstead,
wasn't it?
[Audience laughing]
Can I get you some
more cocoa, Gordon?
No, thank you, my darling.
I do love you really, you know?
Yes, I know you do.
I don't deserve you.
I'm such a fool.
I'm always jumping to
the wrong conclusions.
Always getting things wrong.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no you're not.
[Audience laughing]
So, I'm wrong again?
Pardon?
I bet I got all the other
presents wrong too.
They probably didn't want them.
They were probably
just being polite.
Oh, god, I feel so stupid now.
I don't know why I felt the need
to give everyone
a present anyway.
I expect, my darling,
you thought you were
doing it for the best.
But remember, you
can't buy friendship.
Is that what I was doing?
I remember when I was
at school, my darling,
we had one little lad
who always carried a bag
of sweeties around with him.
And he always gave sweets
to all the other boys and girls
because he wanted
them to be his friends.
But do you think he
could buy their friendship?
No.
It didn't work for me then.
[Audience laughing]
It's not gonna work for you now.
So, if you never knew
your father's name,
why the name whistler?
Oh, well he was a
whistler, you see?
He was a guide and
his whistle was the signal
that the coast was clear.
He was east Germany,
never came across himself.
No, but your mother came across.
[Audience laughing]
So so beautiful.
I'd have used the sewers myself.
[Door crashing]
Assume the position.
Give it a rest, Greg.
Heel, sit.
[Audience laughing]
Right, morning, all.
Staff performance review time.
I hope you've all got
your reports finished
'cause they're gonna
help me enormously
with my process
re-engineering strategy.
What's that then?
Any questions?
Yes, what's that then?
None at all?
[Audience laughing]
Yes, Mr. Brittas,
what's that then?
What's that then,
good question, Gavin.
Process re-engineering strategy
creates an efficient
lean machine.
I think he's gonna make
somebody redundant.
Right, Linda, can I have
your report on me, please.
I've done one on Tim.
I've done one on you.
It's a belter.
I'm afraid you've been
wasting your time then,
haven't you, Linda?
According to the dss,
we do not have an employee
called Timothy whistler.
[Audience laughing]
Right, Julie, your
report on Carole, please.
Oh, I couldn't be fagged.
I beg your pardon.
I haven't done one.
Julie, this is very bad.
Do you wanna
make something of it?
[Audience laughing]
No, no hurry.
In your own time.
Gavin?
It's my writing
hand, Mr. Brittas.
Ah.
Colin, where's your
report on Gavin?
Who knows, Mr. Brittas?
[Audience laughing]
Sorry?
Does it exist?
Did it ever exist?
Do I exist?
Is life but a dream?
Has he been cleaning
out the septic tank again?
Does an object still exist
in the room after I have left?
Our old friend descartes.
Colin, I just want
the flaming report.
[Audience laughing]
Well, that's what I'm
trying to tell you, Mr. Brittas.
I was finishing my report
in the pub last night.
Not a very complimentary
one, I must say so.
If you are looking
for redundancies-
get on with it.
Well, as I said, I was
finishing my report,
which I put on the table,
when I had to nip
out for a quick...
For a comfort break.
[Audience laughing]
Mr. Brittas, and when I got
back, the report was gone.
It no longer exists.
Descartes strikes again.
[Audience laughing]
Well, I am appalled.
I am-
a Wally.
[Audience laughing]
I finished mine, Mr. Brittas.
[Audience laughing]
I've called it
'love conquers all'.
It's a heartwarming saga of a
young girl's passionate quest
for fulfilment through fitness.
"Linda's heart
swelled with pride
"and the colour
Rose in her cheeks
"as she threw open the
doors to the gymnasium.
"What a day to...
What sort of drivel
is this, Carole?
You see, I did my
best, Mr. Brittas.
Thought I'd make it more
interesting, you know?
More in depth.
Yeah, well frankly, Carole,
you're out of your depth.
Thank you, Mr. Brittas.
Right, what
conclusions can we draw
from the staff
performance review?
Uh.
That it has been a great success
because it has
been a total failure.
What a jerk.
[Audience laughing]
It has conclusively demonstrated
that we don't have the
time to do our everyday jobs
and to report on each other.
We're overworked
and understaffed.
Only yesterday,
there was a potentially
life-threatening incident
in the pool because
it was left unattended.
You prat.
[Audience laughing]
Which means we have a
vacancy for a pool attendant.
Applicants should
have a polite personality,
previous experience
as a lifeguard,
and be able to prove they exist.
[Audience laughing]
[Earpiece gargling]
Yeah?
[Earpiece] Code 14,
[Indistinct] Has been suspended.
Return to base.
Okay, Roger.
What was Roger on about?
What's code 14?
They're pleading guilty.
You won't be going to court.
You don't need protection.
Oh, but I was enjoying myself.
It's been fun.
And you get served
much quicker in the pub
when you're with a
gun-toting bodyguard.
[Audience laughing]
The thing is, Mr. Brittas,
I'm a little bit worried
because you haven't actually
mentioned your report on me.
Don't worry, Colin, it's
generally pretty good.
It's hovering between a
b plus and a b plus plus.
Oh, bless you, Mr. Brittas.
I was so nervous,
it's such a relief.
Yeah, so I see.
[Audience laughing]
Oh no, no, that
wasn't me, Mr. Brittas.
It was Ben, the little scamp.
Ben and his water pistol.
I took the Liberty
of confiscating it.
[Linda screaming]
Oh, shut up.
What did you do that for?
I've learned to give,
I've learned to receive,
and now I'm learning
to take back what's mine,
if you don't mind.
[Audience laughing]
Yes, so I've told Tim to apply.
Mrs. Brittas?
Come on, give.
I'm sorry?
The water pistol, where is it?
Well, Ben had a little
accident and Colin took it away.
He had no right to.
I'm the one who's learning
how to take things away.
Where's yours?
My what?
The book.
Oh, this.
I'm enjoying it actually,
it's really rather g-
tough luck.
[Audience laughing]
And don't expect Gordon to
give you any sweets either.
We don't buy friendship.
[Audience laughing]
[Door knocking]
Hello, I understand
there's a vacancy
for a pool attendant?
Indeed, and you are?
Timothy, Timothy goebbels.
Good, Mr. Goebbels.
[Audience laughing]
Come in, take a seat, please.
Have you done this
sort of work before?
Oh, come on, Mr. Brittas,
you know I have.
Excellent.
Well, Tim, may I call you Tim?
Well, that is my name.
You can't always be sure.
I have been caught
out in the past.
Well, I'm glad to say
you've interviewed very well,
Mr. Goebbels,
you've got the job.
As simple as that.
Yes, well, in fact, no,
because, you see,
you're German, aren't you?
No, my mother was German-
you are, in fact, a euro import.
Now, council regulations
mean I won't be employing you
but I'll be buying
in your services.
Sorry?
And as a freelance,
I won't be able
to pay you the same wage.
Yeah, that figures.
No, I'll be paying
you quite a lot more.
Really?
In deutsche marks.
[Audience laughing]
You see, as a
contracted employee,
you come from a
different part of the budget.
You're an ec acquisition,
alternative services.
Paying you more represents
a considerable saving.
It's called creative
accountancy.
Sorry, I don't understand.
No, I'm not surprised.
It's a four-weekend course.
[Audience laughing]
Anyway, Timothy, welcome to
whitbury-newtown leisure centre.
I've got most of them back
and I don't think I've
got a single friend left
in the building.
Is that all right, Gordon?
Just got to find Colin now.
Oh, Julie.
[Julie] Yeah?
These flowers have
arrived for you and this letter.
Oh, Greg, it's another one.
I'm not out of the woods yet.
Oh, god.
Another threat?
"You're going to
be mine forever.
"Please marry me.
"Your little lamb chop, Alex."
It all makes sense now.
What a berk.
"I'll get you in the end."
"Make my day."
It's Alex proposing again.
It's been him all along.
How nice.
Love conquers all.
[Audience laughing]
You don't have to
go just yet, do you?
You know, 'cause there
could be other people trying
to kill me but they just
haven't bothered to write.
[Audience laughing]
You'll love it here,
Tim, I know I do.
This place is my life.
Go on, give it to him.
Ah, Mr. Brittas, here's
the gun and shooter.
[P.c. Edwards gun firing]
[All screaming]
[Audience laughing]
Oh no.
[Audience laughing]
Look what you've done.
This was a present
from my wife, you vandal.
He's ruined it, darling.
It saved your life.
"I've been to Gravesend."
[Audience laughing]
Well, I'm glad you did now.
Colin?
You all right?
Fine, thank you, Mr. Brittas.
I've just been shot
through the head, that's all.
[Audience laughing]
A mere flesh wound.
I'll be back to work on Monday.
Can't let the side down
when we're understaffed, eh?
Good man, Colin.
I'll put it in your report.
Thank you, Mr. Brittas.
And may I say, it's an honour
to share the same bullet
with you.
[Audience laughing]
[Audience applauding]
[Light military band music]