The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Elephants' Child - full transcript

[Upbeat instrumental music]

[Audience laughs]

[Tsks]

[Audience laughs]

Note one, pile of
dung in car park.

Re pile of dung,
whose dung is it?

End of note.

[Audience laughs]

Someone's been fly
tipping again, Carol.

It's not Carol,
Mr. Brittas, it's Linda.

Oh, does the word dung
mean anything to you, Linda?



Yes, it's the sound bells
make, Mr. Brittas, dung.

[Audience laughs]

Yes, but what is a huge
great pile of the stuff do-

where is Carol?

She's doing that self-assertion
course, Mr. Brittas.

We're taking turns on reception.

Of course,
self-assertion, excellent.

[Audience laughs]

That rather stimulating
weekend in nuneaton.

But today's Monday.

Why's she not here?

Uh, she rang to say
she's going to be late,

and if you don't like it, tough.

[Audience laughs]



Good, it's working.

She's asserting herself.

Investment in people, that's
what we're all about, Linda.

Oh, uh, counsellor
druggett's in your office.

Yes, I know.

How?

He's trod in some manure
and left a trail of footprints.

[Audience laughs]

Get it cleared up, please.

Actually, I think you did that.

Well, you better follow
me with a damp cloth,

hadn't you, Linda?

[Audience laughs]

I've made you a cup of coffee.

Oh, thank you, Julie.

I wouldn't drink it, though.

[Audience laughs]

Oh, stop kicking.

Oh yes, you're
pregnant, aren't you?

Oh, spotted that,
did you, counsellor?

[Audience laughs]

Take any prize
off the top shelf.

You'll be wanting
maternity leave.

Get back in the knife drawer,
you're too sharp for life.

[Audience laughs]

All right, Linda,
don't overdo it.

Go away.

Morning, counsellor.

Come to sign on for tomorrow's
bungee jump, have you?

No, I haven't.

Gordon, we've been
getting complaints

about these leaflets you're
putting through people's doors.

Crisp and very
much to the point.

"Bungee jumpers do
it on the way down!"

Witty, Jack.

Vulgar, Gordon.

[Audience laughs]

And the council is not happy
with macho Max as sponsors.

Counsellor, macho Max is
the nation's foremost suppliers

of rugged equipment for the
outdoor male, foul weather gear,

survival clothing,
proactive trousers.

Half the users of this
leisure centre are women.

What's macho Max
got to do with them?

Been thought of, counsellor.

Macho Maggie.

[Audience laughs]

Survival clothing
in pastel shades.

Little zip at the front,
out pops an apron.

[Audience laughs]

An apron?

Our women counsellors will
go berserk when they hear that.

Do you realise how
politically incorrect that is?

Counsellor, macho Max
offered the best deal.

They provide the bungee
backup, transport, insurance.

All right, all right,
it has to go ahead,

but no more publicity.

[Phone buzzes]

[Clears throat] Yes, Julie?

[Julie] Does he want
another cup o' coffee?

[Exclaims in disgust]

I think we'll take that as
a no. [Audience laughs]

Oh, welcome to whitbury new town

leisure - -sh, sh, Gavin,

it's me.

Oh, Mrs. Brittas.

Uh, you're a bit dressed up.

No, no, I'm not.

Ignore this.

I had the most fantastic idea

just as I was cleaning
out the kennel.

[Audience laughs]

I'm going into business.

The franchise is up
for the sauna solarium,

and I'm putting in a bid for it.

Well, you'll need 10,000
pounds, you know.

I know, I know,
that's why I'm here.

Gavin, I need someone for a
desperate criminal enterprise.

Who's the most daring, the
most macho member of staff?

Is it Tim, or Collin...

Or you?

I'd say Julie.

[Audience laughs]

Julie?

But she's nine months pregnant.

Oh, that doesn't worry Julie.

She's up for anything.

She's doing the
bungee jump tomorrow.

Mm.

[Audience laughs]
She's the girl for me, then.

Yeah.

Oh, damn, I've
trodden in something.

Can you clear this lot
up with a damp cloth?

[Audience laughs]

Tim, it's time for the meeting.

No, no, I'm staying up here.

You're shivering.

A bit.

You're dripping wet.

You're sitting in a draught.
How long have you been here?

Two hours.

You'll get pneumonia.

Pneumonia?

I was only planning on a chill.

What are you talking
about? Come on, come down.

No.

We've got a meeting.

Come down.

Oh!

What's this for?

I'm not saying.

It's the bungee jump
tomorrow, isn't it?

You don't want to do it, do you?

No, I don't. I've got to
get meself a sick note.

If you don't want to jump,
why don't you just say so?

You don't have to
make yourself ill.

Because I don't
want Gavin to find out,

and you mustn't tell him.

Of course I won't tell Gavin.

Gavin thinks I'm tough,
but just the thought

of that bungee jump
scares me to death.

You're going to die anyway
if you get pneumonia.

Well, I don't mind dying of
something I'm not scared of.

Talk to Mr. Brittas about it.

No, I don't want to
tell anyone about this.

All right, but pull
yourself together.

Be your usual self at the
meeting, or people will guess.

All right.

Morning all!

Still no sign of Carol?

Oh, uh, she rang to say

she's listening to
"women's hour" first,

then she'll come
in if she feels like it.

[Audience laughs]

Good, she's being assertive.

It's working.

Now, Timothy, what does
this whistle say to you?

Uh, beep?

[Audience laughs]

No, not beep, listen.

[Silence]

No, I can't hear anything.

Precisely.

You blow this when
you're in your snow hole.

Only the Saint
bernards can hear it.

[Audience laughs]

You seek help without
annoying human beings.

Another superb product from
the exclusive macho Max range.

[Audience laughs]

Now, for tomorrow's bungee
jump courtesy of macho Max,

we'll all be wearing top
quality macho Max tee shirts

showing a
well-muscled male torso.

[Audience laughs]

I'm not wearing one of those.

Of course not, Linda.

They do tee shirts with
female torsos as well.

I'm certainly not
wearing one of those.

All right, then, you can wear
the aluminium survival bag.

She'll look like a baked potato.

[Audience laughs]

Right, so at 10 hundred
hours tomorrow morning,

the bungee crane
will be in position.

Who's gonna be first to jump.

Come on, [claps] Anyone?

I'll be first, Mr. Brittas.

I've done it before.

Well done, Linda.

Then, Gavin.

Oh, right.

Right, and Tim, you'll
be jumping, will you?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Straight in and down, mate.

[Audience laughs]

Good man.

Right, now to put you
more fully in the picture,

macho Max will be flying
their advertising balloon

above the [murmurs].

Carol, you're back!

How was the course?

Don't bother me with your
stupid questions, brittas.

There's a public
out there just waiting

to come in and enjoy themselves.

Now why don't you
stop all your yapping

and get back to work!

[Audience laughs]

[Door slams]

That's what I want.

[Audience laughs]

A receptionist with attitude.

The new assertive Carol.

She said you were
stupid, Mr. Brittas.

Yes, she did.

But remember, Gavin,

management accepts
new ideas and criticisms.

M-a-n-i-a-c.

When you see me doing
managing, think maniac!

[Audience laughs]

We do, Mr. Brittas, we do.

Right, end of meeting.

[Exclaims in disgust]
What's that horrible smell?

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughs]

Colin, is that manure?

Now how did you know that?

Is it yours?

Oh no, it's elephants'.

[Audience laughs]

Where's it come from, Colin?

From the back ends
of elephants, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughs]

I've got nine cubic
yards of it in the car park.

Colin, it's a health risk.

I want you to put it
back where it came from.

[Audience laughs]

The elephants won't
like that, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughs]

Colin, it's being trodden
into my leisure centre.

What've you got it
here for, anyway?

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas, but
that is a personal matter.

And I reserve to myself
the right of silence.

Get rid of it, please.

Right, end of meeting.

Um, aob, Mr. Brittas.

Oh yes, any other business?

Yes, there's another
load arriving at dinnertime.

[Audience laughs]

[Snaps]

Julie.

Sh sh.

I'm playing it classical
music to give it good taste.

Oh, how lovely.

Bach? Mozart?

Elvis.

[Audience laughs]

Eh, Julie, I want you to
help me do a burglary.

Can we do mother care?

There's this nursing bra
in the window to die for.

No, no, not mother care.

Here, at the centre.

Here?

What's there to Nick here?

This coat.

Oh, the coat.

But you've already got it.

Why d'you wanna Nick it?

[Phone buzzes]

[Gordon] Julie, bring me

the ping-pong ball
register, please.

I'm exercising me pelvic floor.

[Gordon] I'll come
and get it myself, then.

-[Snaps]
-Not a word to Gordon.

I'll see you in Colin's
room in five minutes.

Ping-pong balls?

[Audience laughs]

Just where do you
think you're going?

Oh, just to have a little swim.

I don't think so.

Just look at those shoes.

Oh, it's from outside.

There's something
nasty all over the carpark.

Yes, well, you can go
right back out there with it.

Go on, out!

Out!

[Gasps]

[Ben] Mama.

Oh, be quiet, Ben.

We'll have our
quality time later.

Right now, you're
invading my space.

[Thumps cupboard]

Carol...

[Audience laughs]

[Murmurs] The sauna, please?

Yes, just after you've
cleared up that mess.

I'm not a cleaner, I'm
an attendant, okay?

Well, perhaps you'd
like to attend to it

with a dustpan and brush.

No, what-

don't push it.

I said dustpan and brush.

[Audience laughs]

God, I hope I can keep this up.

[Audience moans in disgust]

Oh, I wasn't expecting you.

Come in, Julie.

Oh, it's a bit pongy in here.

Is it?

I'll get the air wick out then.

[Audience laughs]

You know, I've had
this bottle since 1977,

and it's still effective.

You don't mind if
I get on, do you?

No, what are you doing?

I'm going through this
lot with a fine-tooth comb.

Right.

Oh, while I'm here, there was
something I wanted to ask you.

A favour.

For you, Julie, anything.

Colin, you, you know I
got rid of my boyfriend,

well, I was wondering

if you'd like - -I'm sorry,

Julie, I do appreciate
that it's a leap year,

but I'm afraid I
can't marry you.

I'm already spoken for.

No, not marry me!

I mean, would you like to
be my baby's godfather?

That is the nicest thing
anybody's ever said to me

in my whole life.

Is it?

It's not been much
of a life, then, Colin.

[Audience laughs]

I'd be honoured
to be his godfather,

or if it's a girl, godmother.

Oh, ta.

[Audience laughs]

I'd give you a kiss, only I
can't see an appetising place.

[Audience laughs]

So, you're spoken for, you say?

I have proposed to and been
accepted by Mrs. Harcourt.

Oh, Mrs.

Oh, is she married?

She may be, Julie.

She didn't say, and
it's not my place to ask.

[Audience laughs]

But she said yes,
and I know why.

I popped the question in
the most romantic place.

Guess where.

Uh, venice?

In a gondola in the moonlight?

At the zoo, right by
the elephant house.

[Audience laughs]

Picture it.

In my hand, the antique
diamond engagement ring

that belonged to my granny.

I kneeled down
in front of edwina.

Mrs. Harcourt.

I reach out my hand,
and at that moment,

the elephant's trunk
comes through the bars,

takes the ring, and eats it.

Oh, Colin!

Well, naturally Mrs.
Harcourt won't marry me

until I find it.

Trouble is, I didn't know
which animal it was.

I have had to purchase
everything those five elephants

have done in the bathroom
for the last three days.

[Audience laughs]

Somewhere in here is that
ring, my passport to happiness.

Oh, it's elephants' doings.

Julie, keep your
eye on that lot.

Keen gardeners
will stoop to anything.

[Audience laughs]

Hello, Mrs. Brittas.

Is it cold out?

[Chuckles]

You make yourselves at home.

Julie, put the kettle on.

Mm, what a nice smell.

Oh, it's horrible in here.

Oh, I've just come down
through the changing rooms.

This place is like a
breath of fresh air.

[Audience laughs]

So where'd you get that
coat from, Mrs. Brittas?

My mother gave it to me.

It's insured for 5,000 pounds,

which is half what I need

to buy the franchise
for the sauna solarium,

so it would be very
convenient if it got stolen.

I would wait for a
burglar, but well, criminals.

They can't be trusted, can they?

[Audience laughs]

So you want me to come
round to your house and steal it?

No, no, we'll steal it together.

And it's got to be from here,

because we're not insured
at home at the moment,

not after the second explosion.

[Audience laughs]

It's got to be taken
from a locked cupboard

in order to get the
insurance money.

Oh, this cupboard
would be ideal.

[Audience laughs]

Of course, I'll need
a signed receipt.

Oh, I can get you one
of those from Mr. Brittas.

Choose your moment,
he'll sign anything.

Great.

Mrs. Brittas, what a
lovely, cozy-looking nightie.

[Audience laughs]

Oh damn, I've only
got my nightie on.

How'm I gonna get home?

I'll take you home in
the back of the Van.

I'll put some newspapers down.

[Audience laughs]

No thank you, Colin.

No one'll notice if I run fast
enough. [Audience laughs]

Tim...

Tim!

Tim, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

[Tim] No, no, let me go.

You are going to kill yourself.

You're half cooked.

Yes, yes, but what does
the thermometer say?

Is it over 100?

It says 128.

Oh, well, there
you are, you see?

I'm not well.

I'm ill.

I'm feverish. I should go home
and stay in bed for a week.

You know it's not going to work.

You've got to tell Mr. Brittas
if you don't want to jump.

No, 'cause he'll tell Gavin,
and Gavin's so tough,

he'll just have complete
contempt for me.

He'll never talk to me again.

Do you know, Gavin's
got friends in the sas,

and they bungee
jump all day every day

just to go downstairs,

and that's the sort
of man Gavin likes.

That's the sort of man Gavin is.

[Splutters]

[Audience laughs]

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas,
but I can't do it.

I can't face this
bungee jump thing.

Of course you can, Gavin.

No, I can't, Mr. Brittas.

I suffer from vertigo.

I have this terrible
fear that I'm gonna fall,

and then I get
this horrible urge

to actually throw myself off.

Well done, Gavin.

That's the whole point
of bungee jumping.

[Audience laughs]

Keep that, we'll build on it.

I've got a doctor's certificate.

Well, you can wave it on the
way down. [Audience laughs]

And on the way back up again.

And on the way back down again.

-And on the way up.
-All right,

I'll tell you the truth.

I'm terrified.

Tim may never speak to
me again, but, I'm terrified.

I don't want to die.

Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.

Since I've been
manager of this centre,

I'm very proud to say there
have only been 23 deaths.

[Audience laughs]

And not one of them
was a staff member.

[Phone buzzes]

[Julie] Detective inspector
Thompson on line one.

Thank you, Julie.

Excuse me, Gavin.

[Huffs]

Brittas.

Hello, inspector.

Running down the high
street dressed only in a nightie?

[Audience laughs]

Well, it could be my wife, yes.

[Audience laughs]

Abusive and violent?

All right, you win.

[Audience laughs]

Well, look, you
know the address,

and once she's safely home,

if you could lock
the door, please.

Thanks, bye.

Bye.

[Audience laughs]

Gavin -

I'll get to the top
of that crane thing,

and I'll wet
myself, Mr. Brittas.

In front of everyone.

Television are gonna be there.

[Clears throat] I want
to talk to you in private.

About Tim, Mr. Brittas.

It's urgent.

Not now, Linda.

You said your door
was always open.

It is, so go out of it.

[Audience laughs]

I'm not going.

What's this about Tim?

I'm not saying.

Counsellor druggett's come
back, and he's dead mad.

Well, tell him to make an
appointment, please, Julie.

Gordon.

Eight men in camouflage smocks

spelling out the
words "macho Max"

have abseiled down the
front of the civic centre.

I tell a lie, seven.

One fell off watching a
madwoman in a nightie.

[Audience laughs]

I suspect you're at
the bottom of all this.

Get on the phone to this
awful company and tell them-

counsellor-

sign this.

Look, I hear what you're saying-

these macho people
are a private army.

Now listen, all of you.

This centre is a
financial disgrace.

Entirely due to this
centre, we've had to set

the highest council rate in
the country, twice liverpool's.

[Audience laughs]

We give it permission to
seek your own sponsorship,

you come up with your
own ideas, and what-

where are they all going?

Sorry, counsellor,
nice speech, bad timing.

Fire drill every
day at 11 o'clock.

Coffee in the carpark,
watch where you tread.

[Fire alarm rings]

[Audience laughs]

We'll just sit here a
second and make sure

the coast's clear.

Oh, did you bring a
screwdriver or something

to open the cupboard door?

I found one of these
in the bathroom.

In the bathroom?

The man boggles.

And I brought a brick
to break a window with.

[Audience laughs]

And a spare brick in case
there's double glazing.

[Audience laughs]

It's all quiet.

It's Colin!

[Julie tsks]

Still doing his muck spreading.

Hello, Julie,
hello, Mr. Brittas.

Colin, it's two
o'clock in the morning.

The best time
for disposal, Julie.

Everybody's tucked
safely away in bed, you see.

I've manured 17 gardens already.

Just think how
pleased they'll be

when they wake up in the morning

and find the
manure fairy's been.

[Audience laughs]

Why didn't you just
Chuck it away, Colin?

It's too good for that.

Elephants' is best.

What are you doing
here at this time?

Well, apparently, there's an
eclipse of the moon tonight.

Patrick Moore said.

So Julie and I have
just been driving around

trying to find the best
place to watch it from.

I can't see any moon.

Oh, well, this is
the place, then.

[Audience laughs]

Brilliant, right.

I'll leave you to it.

I've got one more border to
do at number 29 the grove,

and then it's my big challenge.

Number 30's got window boxes...

On the first floor.

[Audience laughs]

Go on.

Mind where you
tread, it's everywhere.

[Groans]

I'm not going to Africa
if it's like this underfoot.

Oh, here we are.

Oh, oh, thank goodness
it's not been stolen.

[Audience laughs]

Right, so what do
we do with it now?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

We'll put it in the boiler.

Oh, the boiler!

But it's a really nice coat.

Look, I'll tell you what.

We won't burn it.

I'll take it.

No one will suspect me.

But they'll see you wearing it.

Oh, I won't wear it.

Well, what's the
use in it, then?

Oh, it's for the baby.

She can be photographed
on it like a bearskin rug.

But they'll see the photographs.

No, it's got to be burned.

I need the money!

Franchises cost money!

Animals gave their
lives for this coat!

They were lemmings!

They were only gonna
throw themselves off a cliff.

[Julie cries out]

Oh!

I fell right in it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you all right.

Yeah, I'm all right.

[Gasps]

Oh my god!

What?

Something's happened.

[Audience laughs]

I think I've started.

Started?

But you can't give birth now.

We're in the
middle of a burglary.

[Audience laughs]

Me bag's at home, and
[gasps] I forgot to get some soap.

I've got to go and
get some soap.

And talcum powder!

No, not now.

The shops aren't open.

Look, sit yourself down.

This isn't going
to happen at once.

But Mr. Abdallah
said if I got to the clinic

in good time, I could
have my baby in the pool.

I want my baby in the pool.

Pool?

But it's full of chlorine.

Not this one, the
one at the clinic.

[Audience laughs]

I've got to get to the clinic.

No, no, now stay
still and calm down,

then I'll take you
to the hospital.

[Julie gasps and moans]

It's too late.

It's contractions.

How often are they coming?

How do I know, I've only
had the one. [Audience laughs]

Can you hurry up a bit
before Colin gets back?

I'll have my baby in
my own good time,

thank you very much.

You don't want it born
with a criminal record.

[Gasps]

Oh, it's another one!

[Gasps]

Oh, look, uh, sit down.

Lie down on my coat.

[Pants]

Oh, I don't want
to mess your coat.

Oh, just now we
were gonna burn it.

[Julie gasps and moans]

Oh, oh, it's two
contractions at once.

[Both gasp and cry out]

Sh, sh!

[Audience laughs]

Oh, what am I saying shush for?

We haven't done anything wrong.

We just happened to be
watching an eclipse of the moon

from indoors when you
started having a baby.

Must happen all the time.

What's wrong with the phones?

Oh, they're
switched off at night.

[Moans]

Oh my god.

Right, I could, oh no, I can't.

Oh god, I never
thought I'd say this,

but I wish Gordon was here.

This is a citizen's arrest.

[Audience laughs]

Helen?

What are you doing here?

I might ask you the
same question, my darling.

I thought you were
beside me in bed.

Oh, I did the old
trick with a pillow.

[Laughs softly]

I thought you were a bit
unresponsive. [Audience laughs]

Then I got a phone
call to say they'd found

one of the leisure centre
ladders lying broken

in the garden of
number 30 the grove

with a twenty-foot
smear of manure

down the house wall above it.

Colin!

It was definitely one of
our ladders, my darling.

Make a note of
that, please, Julie.

Oh, I'm having a baby.

You've been saying that
for nearly nine months, Julie.

-[Audience laughs]
-We'll, I'm saying it again.

Then I follow the
trail of manure

to this very building,
and I find you here, Helen.

Now look, I know
you're a troubled woman,

but writing rude
messages on walls

with manure is not the answer.

Gordon, Julie is giving birth.

[Moans]

Right, leave it to me.

Have you started
dilating yet, Julie?

I'm not telling you,
you pie-faced git.

I know you're
under a lot of strain,

but a simple yes
or no would suffice.

Yes, you great pudding!

Right, now, time for action.

Let me hereby inform
you of your rights.

You're not arresting her!

No, I'm informing her
of her maternity rights

as a euro mother.

Now, you should've applied
for your maternity Grant

a week before your confinement.

Gordon, do something!

She's having a baby,
and the phones don't work.

You are the expert when it
comes to childbirth, my sweet.

Well, you were there.

[Clears throat] Only
in an advisory capacity.

You were in the driving seat.

Never mind your bloody
memoirs, have you got your mobile?

Phone the hospital.

I'll call 999.

Oh, Gordon,
please, not the police.

Hello, ambulance, please.

Hello, my name is -

oh, don't say brittas!

They won't send anyone.

Hello, my name is fillpot.

Can we have an ambulance round

at whitbury new town
leisure centre, please?

Hello?

I told ya!

[Moans]

It's the reception.

Hello, hello?

This is Helen brittas.

Hello?

[Sighs] I can't
hear a damn thing.

It might be better
somewhere else.

[Gasps and moans]

Oh, it's coming!

[Moans]

No, it isn't, and
that's an order, Julie.

[Audience laughs]

It isn't.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

Ah, I'm sorry I'm
early, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughs]

That's all right, Colin.

Everyone's early,
especially Julie.

What's wrong with your leg?

Nothing!

You're limping.

I had a bit of an accident.

Uh, I was watching the eclipse.

Yes, that's it, and I
climbed up a ladder

to get nearer the
moon, and I fell off.

[Audience laughs]

Colin!

You are the phantom
manure spreader of whitbury.

And I'm Jeremy beadle!

This is a crisis!

[Audience laughs]

Hello, Julie.

Well, if it's a crisis,
I'll get the kettle on.

We'll have a nice cup of tea.

She's having a baby!

In that case, I'll
get two kettles on.

You're in safe hands now.

You will wash them
first, won't you?

Yes, both of them.

[Audience laughs]

I was reading in
the times, Mr. Brittas,

they don't use forceps anymore,
you know. They use suction.

On the baby's head.

I thought we might have
a go with one of these.

-[Julie screams]
-Don't let him near me!

[Audience laughs]

Hello!

Hello!

Damn.

[Water splashes]

Who's that?

Hello!

Hello!

[Audience laughs]

Stop!

It's me, Carol.

You're interrupting my schedule.

It's 10 past two in the morning.

It's part of my
new fitness regime,

100 lengths of the
pool before sunrise.

I'm sponsoring myself and
saving up for a Harley-Davidson.

Ooh, um, Julie's having
her baby in the basement.

Ah, now that's a good idea.

Who's sponsoring her?

[Audience laughs]

Just let me get my towel.

I want me mum.

Of course you do, Julie.

And in the circumstances,
I think we could offer

a free entrance to the centre.

Shut up.

Just do something.

It's all right, Julie, I'm here.

Start your breathing.

They taught you at antenatal?

Good.

You, get scrubbed up.

But I'm clean.

Not clean enough.

[Audience laughs]

Mrs. B., up there.

Hold her head, with a
damp flannel at the ready.

Colin, stoke the boiler.

It's freezing in here.

Thank god someone's in charge.

Now, mother, we're gonna
time your contractions.

Did they give you a song?

"Three blind mice."

Good, well, let's hear it, then.

♪ Three blind mice

good.

♪ See how they run

♪ they all ran after
the farmer's wife ♪

Breathe! ♪ she cut off their
tails with a carving knife ♪

Breathe, breathe.

Good. ♪ you've never seen
such a thing in your life ♪

♪ as three blind mice.

Yes.

[Baby cries]

She came at dawn.

I think I'll call her dawn.

Julie.

Mm?

She's a little boy.

[Audience laughs]

I always wanted a boy.

Or a girl.

What're you gonna
call him, now he's a him?

Oh, that's easy.

He's going to be Gordon Colin,

because Mr. Brittas
helped deliver him,

and Colin kept him warm.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me

since the last nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

[Audience laughs]

I'm honoured, Julie, but
the credit has to go to Carol.

She asserted herself.

No, no.

Carol, a receptionist
beyond the call of duty

who took charge in
no uncertain manner.

I know I did, but I don't
know how, Mr. Brittas.

'Cause it's all gone.

My assertiveness.

I think it was the baby coming.

You've wasted all your
money on that training.

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas,
I can't keep it up.

I'm just me.

[Cries]

We prefer you as you, Carol.

We'll dock the assertiveness
course fee from your wages.

[Audience laughs]

That seems very
fair, Mr. Brittas.

Fried bread, anyone?

[Audience laughs]

No charge today.

Here's my one pound,
and here's my sister's 75p,

because on the bus, her purse-

no, no, there's no charge today.

Do you mind

if it's all
[indistinct]- -i said

there's no charge today,
now go and enjoy yourself!

[Audience laughs]

Still there.

Right, can I have your
attention one and all?

[Audience laughs]

I've just had official word
that the bungee gantry

is now in position, so we
can move to the main business

of the day, which
is bungee jumping

courtesy of our
sponsors, macho Max!

[Group applauds and cheers]

Right, now, first to jump
will be Linda Perkins!

[Group cheers and murmurs]

Followed by my
second-in-command, Gavin featherly!

[Group applauds and cheers]

Then it will be Tim whistler.

[Group applauds and cheers]

And then, ladies and
gentlemen, my lovely wife, Helen,

has consented to join
me in a dramatic occasion,

what is known in
bungee jumping circles

as a bj doubleheader!

[Group applauds and cheers]

Not now, my darling.

So if you would now like to move

to the bungee jumping
area, please, everyone.

Quick as you can, please.

[Crowd murmurs]

[Audience laughs]

You're shivering.

So are you.

Well, I'm cold.

I don't want to jump.

Nor do I.

What, you mean you
don't want to jump either?

Oh, I'm terrified.

Well, you never told me that!

I'm terrified as well,

but I thought you'd
think I was a wimp.

You said you had
friends in the sas.

I do.

Scandinavian airways.

They're stewards.

-[Audience laughs]
-Then I don't have to jump!

And if you're not, I'm not!

Well, then, I'm
not jumping either.

I hate-the rope, the rope!

Tim, Gavin!

[Screams]

[Buzzes lips]

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I say how glad I am

about the wonderful
turnout of...

[Audience chuckles]

23.

[Audience laughs] No,
no, don't tie me on yet.

I'm not jumping
till later, all right?

[Helen screams]

[Crowd yells]

What?

Behind you!

Heil brittas?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm just a normal
human being like you are.

Behind you!

What, what?

[Crowd yells]

[Helen screams]

[Gordon] Oh god!

[Scream]

It's fresh.

[Audience groans and laughs]

It's all right.

Easy does it.

[Groans]

[Coughs]

Colin, I thought I told
you to to move this pile.

Thank heavens I
didn't, Mr. Brittas.

I'm so sorry, Gordon.

It's all right, my darling.

It's not your fault.

I think I've just swallowed
something hard and round.

[Audience laughs]

That would be my
engagement ring, Mr. Brittas.

You found it!

Oh, thank you.

Save your thanks, Colin.

You're gonna have to
wait a few more days yet.

[Audience laughs]

[Bright dramatic music]

[Audience applauds and cheers]