The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 6, Episode 5 - We All Fall Down - full transcript

[Regimental music]

[Gordon whistling]

-Morning, Mr. Brittas.
-Morning, Colin.

If you're wondering what's
in the boxes, it's the doves.

They're all white doves
this time, are they?

Every one of them,
white as the driven snow.

[Audience laughing]

Right, it's just that we
had a couple of brown ones

at rehearsal yesterday.

Yes, they kept tagging
on, so I wrung their necks.

[Audience laughing]



Yes, these are the real thing.

Doves of peace and
very experienced.

They did live aid at Wembley.

Good.

One other thing, Mr. Brittas.

What is it, Colin?

I was wondering if
you'd care to inspect

the eternal flame.

Not right now, thanks, Colin.

Technical question then.

When the eternal flame
is lit at the ceremony,

how eternal do you want it?

Colin, we've been
through this before.

Whitbury world peace and
hunger week goes on 'til Friday.



The flame burns 'til Friday.

Willco!

Eternal 'til Friday it is then.

[Audience laughing]

Ben, mummy knows best.

I've told you, you can run
to the back of the cupboard

as fast as you like,
it's not going to fly.

[Audience laughing]

Morning, Carole.

Oh, welcome to whitbury
new town leisure, Whoo!

[Audience laughing]

How can I help you, Mr. Brittas?

All ready for the
big day, Carole?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

We are of course relying
on you for the smooth running

of this important day, Carole.

So I want your announcements
on time, all right?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

This is an alarm
clock, point taken?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Just one thing.

Today is for children,
isn't it, Mr. Brittas?

That's right, Carole, yes.

It's a day for the children
of whitbury to come together

for world peace and
have some fun as well.

Why haven't Ben and the
twins been invited, Mr. Brittas?

I think you know why, Carole.

If I make them promise not
to bite anyone, Mr. Brittas?

[Audience laughing]

Carole, look-

I can confiscate Ben's knife.

[Audience laughing]

Carole, I do not
want another situation

where the coaches turn up

and the children are too
frightened to De-bus, do you?

[Audience laughing]

No, Mr. Brittas.

Oh, just one thing,
there's a message.

It says, "if you want to
have any more babies

you'll have to have them
with somebody else."

[Audience laughing]

It's from Mrs. Brittas.

You sure about
the wording, Carole?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

That's strange, Mrs. Brittas
was in perfectly good spirits

when I left the
house this morning.

She was eating burnt
toast and laughing.

[Audience laughing]

-More accuracy please, Carole.
-[Alarm clock rings]

And you're late for
the first announcement.

Yes.

Hello, there's going to
be a staff meeting in 10,

no, eight minutes, well,
sort of, seven-ish minutes.

Sorry, sorry, bye,
bye, thank you.

So the high point of
this very important day

will be 1400 hours,
when representatives

from the youth organisations
of whitbury will link arms,

symbolically, around
the leisure centre,

in support of whitbury world
peace and hunger week.

I've got a problem
with that, Mr. Brittas.

Have you, Tim?

Oh yes.

World peace and hunger.

We're supporting peace
and hunger, are we?

What?

So, we're on the
side of both, yeah?

Naturally.

No, you don't understand-

oh, I see what he
means, Mr. Brittas.

It should be peace and
plenty, and we're for it-

or war and hunger
and we're against it.

-You can't be both.
-It is logical, Mr. Brittas.

Look, we've had
5,000 leaflets printed.

Plus Colin's banner on the roof.

They all say peace and hunger.

That's why it
staying, all right?

Now, the children
linking arms symbolically

around the centre will go
boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl-

no they won't.

What?

I had a phone call first thing.

The cubs won't
touch the brownies.

[Audience laughing]

Julie, what are
you burbling about?

They're children, they
do what they're told.

Well that's the thing.

They've been told not
to by the scout master.

Now he runs the
bread shop, right,

and he caught some
of the brownies stealing

his iced fancies--no!

-[Audience laughing]
-All right, all right,

let's not have a discussion
around the toadstool, please.

Thank you, now, what
happens next, anyone?

I arrive with the
olympic torch, Mr. Brittas.

Exactly.

With a television
crew in attendance,

the olympic torch comes
back from the town hall,

held aloft
symbolically by Linda.

The olympic torch then
lights the eternal flame,

which represents the fire of
human endeavour burning forever.

It's gone out.

[Audience laughing]

What has, Colin?

The flame, Mr. Brittas,
the eternal flame.

It's not supposed
to be alight yet.

I was rehearsing it.

Later, Colin, sit down, please.

Yes, but if it's meant to
be eternal, Mr. Brittas-

sit down, please, Colin.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Right, now, once
the eternal flame is lit-

with a much bigger
nozzle, possibly.

[Audience laughing]

Possibly, Colin, yes.

I shall release the doves,

and then say a few
words for the cameras.

We will then hold
hands silently,

for as long as
seems appropriate.

Right, Gavin, let's hear about
some of the exciting events

leading up to 1400 hours.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Well, the sponsored
swim is due to start

in 10 minutes time
in the children's pool.

Carole will be making
regular announcements

so we can all move smoothly
between the charity swim-athon,

the squash-athon, that
trampoline-athon and the badminthon.

-[Audience laughing]
-A-thon!

A-thon, thon!

[Laughs] Right,
Julie, can't it wait?

No, I was just wondering
what a trampoline-athon

has got to do with world peace.

Gavin, put her right.

Well, on the face
of it, nothing much.

Exactly, nothing at all to
the unimaginative, Julie.

But you know, and I know,
that without the money raised

by the sponsored
trampoline-athon,

we won't be able
to afford the postage

on our old vaulting horses
which we're sending to Zaire.

You've put me down to organise

a solarium-athon and
a saunathon, I can't.

Beyond your powers
is it, Mrs. Bidmead?

If you stay in a sauna
too long, you pass out,

and if you stay in a
solarium too long, you cook.

[Audience laughing]

[Mr. Brittas mimics
Mrs. Bidmead]

[Audience laughing]

Cook, cook, now,
cooking reminds me.

Let's not forget
the hunger lunch.

Oh yes, that's Tim and Linda
to start buttering the bread.

Right, so, let's go, please.

What, all that lot?

Are you against
world hunger, Tim?

Well, of course I am.

Well, get buttering then.

[Audience laughing]

[Alarm clock rings]

Hello, all staff allocated
to areas a, b, g, h and n,

would they please go to
their starting positions, please?

Thank you.

I think it would strike
a real blow for peace.

With the best will
in the world, Colin,

I don't think hanging
war-mongerers

from a gibbet on the roof-

in effigy, Mr. Brittas.

Hanging war-mongerers in effigy.

And they'd all be wearing masks.

Adolf Hitler, Attila the hun.

It's still hanging, Colin.

And there's gonna be some
young children watching.

We could burn them, then!

Kids love that on guy Fawkes.

No.

Oh, Ben please stop pulling.

Mummy's doing her best,

and when you pull
it spoils everything.

Now please, Ben, please.

Oh, welcome to whitbury
new town leisure centre,

how may I help
you, Mrs. Brittas?

You can't, Carole.

I'm sorry, is this
something deeply personal?

No, it's my life.

What is, Mrs. Brittas?

This tangle, and
it's all my fault.

No, no, it's Ben's,
it's kite string.

You know what it's like,
you get one little bit of-

do you think this
will take my weight?

[Audience laughing]

Have you got a beam
somewhere in your sauna place,

or a good, stout hook I
could get this string over?

-[Audience laughing]
-What, Mrs. Bidmead?

Hang on a minute.

Oh, Ben, darling,
look, how marvellous.

[Audience laughing]

So, you'll be standing
here, Mr. Brittas.

-Giving your speech.
-Right.

The children will be there.

Well back.

Exactly.

And when Linda comes
in to light the eternal flame,

and as she leans
forward with her torch,

you'll just slide
your hand down.

Slide my hand down where, Colin?

Down the microphone.

Go on, slide it, Mr. Brittas.

And as she leans
in with her torch,

you just press the switch and-

[switch clicks]

Why'd it do that?

I've installed a
discreet pilot light

in the bowl, Mr. Brittas,

in case the torch goes
out on the way over,

there might be a shower
of rain, a child spitting.

I try to think of everything.

Can I go now, Colin?

It's not quite as simple
as that, Mr. Brittas.

It's the nighttime
I'm worried about.

What with the nuisance and that.

What are you
talking about, Colin?

It's the local
lads, Mr. Brittas,

on the way home
from the wheat sheaf.

They seem to be drawn by
the bowl to commit a nuisance.

I certainly found the traces
of nuisance this morning.

What do you want me for?

Well, I was hoping,
with your permission,

to increase the nozzle size.

Now, it'll cost a
little bit more in gas-

just do it, Colin.

Good, because I
think the increased heat

will act as a deterrent and
force the lads to keep back,

out of range.

If you'll just excuse me
Colin, I've got people to see,

things to...

What's this doing here?

That's the power line for
the sound system, Mr. Brittas.

The plastic's for the
doves in case they fly into it.

Good thinking, eh, Mr. Brittas?

Colin, Colin, Colin.

I've missed
something, haven't I?

We're having a
children's party, aren't we?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

What do we have at
children's parties, Colin?

Ice cream, jellies,
crisps, being sick.

-[Audience laughing]
-No, Colin.

Clowns on stilts.

Doing juggling, 10 feet high.

Not looking where they're going.

Put it higher, Colin.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

We cannot have a
strangulated stilt Walker.

How's that going to look
on an insurance form?

-Do it.
-[Audience laughing]

There it was, in
black and white.

"Dear madam,
your twins are ugly."

Come along, the letter didn't
say that, and you know it.

They failed the
audition, didn't they?

It was only to be in some
silly nappy commercial.

It's all my fault.

My bottom's always been too big.

And their bottoms
take after mine. [Sobs]

[Audience laughing]

Stop blaming
yourself, Mrs. Brittas.

Blame the advertising agency.

Blame united nappies.

So they can reject my children

and there's nothing
I could do about it?

Well, at least you're starting
to blame the right people.

Write a letter to the chairman.

Oh, what good would that do?

Well, it might make
you feel better.

All right, I will.

I'll tell him his
children are ugly

and his wife's got a big bottom

and I've never liked
his nappies anyway.

Well, don't make it too rude.

Or his secretary
will just tear it up

and he'll never see it.

Oh, he'll see it.

I'll write "VD clinic, personal
and private" on the front.

[Audience laughing]

All this lot, it's
a hunger lunch,

obesity lunch, more like.

They won't put
that flame out now.

[Audience laughing]

What's that?

I've increased the
size of the nozzle.

And I'm gonna put a warning
notice up in the wheat sheaf.

That's the effigy of
a war-mongerer, Tim.

But Mr. Brittas won't allow it.

Has he got something
against Saddam Hussein?

Can I give you a hand?

What have you been
doing in those gloves?

Just running a
little toilet duck

around the olympic bowl, Tim.

Well, go and wash your hands

and then you can
stand and watch.

[Audience groaning]

Just a bit more, come on.

Come on, keep going, keep going.

Nearly there, 59,
well done Kevin!

How's it going, Gavin?

Great, well, Kevin
there's just done 59.

And the little one over
there is on her 83rd.

And Monica, she's on her 133rd.

-[Audience laughing]
-She's wading.

You see that Gavin?

That child's feet
are on the bottom.

Oi, you, stop that!

She can't swim, Mr. Brittas.

Well, what's she doing
in the swim-athon then?

She wanted to join in.

It's for charity,
so she's wading.

Well, she can wait till
we have a Wade-athon.

[Audience laughing]

And he didn't touch the end.

No? Oh well.

It's the spirit of the
thing, isn't it, Mr. Brittas?

It is not the spirit
of the thing, Gavin.

People have paid good
money for a job to be done.

A length to be swam.

Whistle?

[Whistle blasting]

Right, everyone out of the
pool please, immediately.

And would the parents of the
children who've been cheating,

-come over here now please.
-[Audience laughing]

We're gonna have to
start the whole thing again.

[Audience laughing]

Oh, hell. These ones
are buttered on both sides.

No wonder we're
not getting anywhere.

It's that time of the
month again, payslips.

Here we go, news
of fresh deductions.

This is a bit fat.

Oh yeah, you've got a
leaflet on foot hygiene,

and a thing about
windscreen replacements.

And next month, you get
an innovations magazine.

-[Audience laughing]
-What's this 10%?

He's taken 10% from my basic.

Charity deduction,
what does that mean?

It's for Mr. Brittas's campaign

to send our old rowing machines

to drought-stricken
areas of the third world.

Yes, but he can't just axe
10% without even asking.

Oh, we all agreed.

I think it was a most
imaginative idea, Tim.

I'm surprised
you can't recall it.

Ah, he wasn't there.

Where wasn't I?

Oh, when we had the meeting,

you were out buying
those leather trousers.

No other time would
do for some reason,

I had to lie and
say you had the flu.

But what did you all agree for?

I mean, it's 10%.

It's only for one week, Tim.

Those hill tribesmen are
in desperate need, Tim.

Evidently, the nearest wall
bars are in Johannesburg.

You never told me.

Well, I didn't want
to spoil the fun

you were having with
your new trousers.

Yes, but 10%?

It's only 19 pounds Tim.

What's 19...

Do you mean to say you
get paid 190 pounds a week?

Yes, don't you?

No, I don't.

You, I get paid
less than you do.

Do you realise that
Linda gets paid more

than the rest of us?

[Audience laughing]

You all get paid more
than me, don't you?

I wouldn't read too much
into that if I were you, Tim.

In my experience,

often the least paid are
the most highly valued.

I can't believe this.

I get paid less
than the rest of you,

and you agree behind my back
to give half of my wages away.

But look on the
bright side, Tim.

Because we earn more,
our 10% is more than yours is.

Exactly, and I'm not gonna
put up with it anymore.

I'm gonna go out there,

I'm gonna make him
give me the extra money

or I'm gonna beat his head in.

I don't think that's
entirely appropriate, Tim.

Not in whitbury
world peace week.

Get out of my way, Colin.

Don't be silly, Tim.

Oh, silly?

I'm silly, that's
what I am, am I?

Well, I'll show
you all who's silly.

Take one step towards me, Tim

and I swallow this key.

Okay, if that's the
way you want it.

[Audience laughing]

What you doing Tim?

We're all going to sit here

and wait for
Mr. Brittas to come.

[Audience laughing]

[Alarm clock rings]

Hello staff, the badminthon
has been cancelled

due to lack of support.

Could everyone
please go to the car park

for the bouncy
castle-athon, thank you.

Are you sure you
wouldn't like that outside?

Please, Mrs. Bidmead,
don't mention o-u-t.

Ben's happy.

If he thinks he's
got to go o-u-t,

he'll put his head down
a sleeping bag for weeks.

-[Audience laughing]
-Hello.

Mrs. Brittas.

Oh, I feel wonderful.

Mrs. Brittas, I thought you
were a bit down in the mouth,

but suddenly you're
all up in the mouth.

I feel as if a whole weight
had been lifted from me.

Black and white, that's how
everything seemed this morning.

But now birds are
singing, kites are flying.

What's that kite doing up there?

It's Ben's.

What have you been up to?

You meant to write a letter.

I know I was, but then I
had a much better idea

and I got such a
buzz out of doing it.

Doing what?

Now I know how terrorists feel.

[Audience laughing]

What have you
done, Mrs. Brittas?

Come on, Tim, open the door.

It's not gonna
make any difference.

Nobody's going anywhere,
we're waiting for brittas.

But you've got
to let us go, Tim.

There are hundreds of people
out there depending on us.

No there aren't,
there'll be about 20.

And most of those are only here

'cause they think
it's a car boot sale.

Oh look, Tim, come on.

Hit me, Linda.

What?

Hit me as hard as
you can with this.

-[Audience laughing]
-Go on.

Are you sure, Colin?

Yes, and in the
ensuing confusion,

I'll get to the telephone.

Go on.

[Audience laughing]

Hit me.

You poisoned them?

Yes, united nappies
make everything.

Soap powder, margarine,
blackcurrant juice.

You put poison in
the blackcurrant juice?

Not poison, Carole.

Just a bit of laxative.

How many bottles did you do?

Oh, lots, Mr. Said's
corner shop had loads

stacked up around the back.

Mrs. Brittas, you've gotta
go straight back and tell him.

No, no, I'm gonna let
the newspapers do that.

You wait, it'll be splashed
across the headlines.

Then see what happens
to united nappies shares.

We'll see who's
twins are ugly then.

Oh, Mrs. Brittas, laxative
in the blackcurrant juice,

just think about the children.

And the corner shop.

What happens to mr
said and his reputation?

Oh dear, I never
thought of that.

He was so nice when I
bought all the laxative.

He said he hoped
I'd feel better soon.

Not to operate heavy machinery.

You have got to go straight back

and tell him what you've done

before he puts the
bottles in the shop.

Why am I such a fool?

I'm always getting things wrong.

Well, do something right.

[Audience laughing]

But she thought that
one length was 50 metres.

So it is, in the big pool.

Well, she thought he'd only
manage to swim one length.

She didn't know you
were gonna be doing it

in the little pool.

She put down a pound
a length and signed it.

But it's only five metres long,

he's swam 126 lengths already.

-[Audience laughing]
-127.

She hasn't got 127 pounds.

She hasn't got 127
pound in the world.

I hear what you're
saying, Mrs. Norman.

If only it were in my power,

but unfortunately, once signed,

this sponsorship form
becomes a legal document.

Well, she can't pay.

In a court of law, she
may be compelled to.

And the world peace
campaign may be obliged

to distrain upon her goods.

I hope it doesn't come
to a prison sentence.

[Audience laughing]

Mr. Brittas, Mr. Brittas,

it's so awful, I've had
Colin on the phone-

stop right there please, Carole.

Shoes off.

[Audience laughing]

Now, what do you wish
to say to me, Carole?

He said he couldn't
talk very loudly

because he was
afraid of reprisals.

He said he was being held in
the staffroom against his will.

Who is this, Carole?

Colin.

Colin?

What's he doing
in the staffroom?

He's supposed to be
down at the face painting,

doing whiskers.

I don't know, he was cut
off before he could finish.

It sounded like something blunt.

But he said he was
being held hostage,

and would I let you know?

Hostage?

Three of them.

Patrick, yellow alert, please.

Set up a command post
down by the play pen

and evacuate the building.

And watch that senior
citizen, she owes us money.

[Audience laughing]

Carole, follow me.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Oh, why did you have to hit him?

He was going for the phone.

But I'd already hit him.

It's all right, I can take it.

[Audience laughing]

I got through to Mr. Brittas.

He'll know what to do.

[Audience laughing]

Give the coded message, Carole.

Yes, Mr. Brittas,
what is it, Mr. Brittas?

Yellow alert, hostiles
within the perimeter.

-And get that kite down.
-Yes.

-[Audience laughing]
-Hello, staff message.

Yellow alert, yellow alert,
thank you, have a nice day.

[Audience laughing]

Carole, handbag.

What?

Handbag.

What are you going
to do, Mr. Brittas?

I'm gonna do two things, Carole.

I'm gonna keep calm.

And I'm gonna gain
their confidence.

It's what we were taught.

Have you been
trained, Mr. Brittas?

Two residential weekends
and a lunchtime refresher.

[Audience laughing]

I'm gonna look
through the keyhole.

[Audience laughing]

It's Saddam Hussein.

[Audience laughing]

Saddam Hussein?

I only got a brief
glimpse, Carole.

But I'd recognise
that face anywhere.

Saddam Hussein, here!

Well, he shouldn't be!

He hasn't got a ticket.

[Audience laughing]

He didn't get past
me, Mr. Brittas.

Don't blame yourself, Carole.

But I will need backup.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Get the police, the paramedics.

-Get the sas.
-Yes, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Hello?

Hello.

My name is Gordon brittas.

You can call me Gordon.

I wish to speak with
your leader please.

It's me, Gordon, Tim.

Oh, Tim, good lad.

How many of them are there?

[Tim] How do you mean?

Two, three?

There's three of them.

And they all get
more money than I do.

[Audience laughing]

Try not to talk nonsense, Tim.

Look, just keep calm.

We're gonna get
you out of there.

No, you won't
get me out of here.

Not until you pay me
the same as Linda.

I do just as much
work as she does.

I do just as much for this place

-and it's not fair.
-[Audience laughing]

And I'm not going to
give 10% of my basic

for your bloody
press-ups for peace.

Right, those are your demands.

What do the Iraqis want?

[Audience laughing]

Yeah, still a bit
queasy in the mornings.

Lovely, right, bye.

Stupid woman.

-[Audience laughing]
-[Quick knocking]

Where is everyone Julie?

There's no one in the canteen.

I dunno.

Oh, what's a yellow alert?

I know green is bubonic plague.

And orange is someone
without a verruca sock, but-

okay, here we are.

"A code yellow shall be declared

when the grounds or
airspace of the leisure centre

have been violated by persona
or persona non grata something

and a member or
members of the staff

are being held hostage."

What are we supposed to do?

I have to put the kettle on.

[Audience laughing]

Look, Tim, I want
to be your friend.

Oh, you can be my
friend, Mr. Brittas,

if you pay me more money.

And give me back my 10%.

Not now, Carole.

Yes, Mr. Brittas,

I've called the police, the
army and the ambulance.

We don't need them
now, Carole, it's only Tim.

Oh good, because they
said they're not coming.

[Audience laughing]

And sergeant Curtis
said if it was the Iraqis,

he'd hope they'd kill you.

[Audience laughing]

Thank you, Carole.

Look, Tim, I've got a TV
crew arriving in half an hour.

Well, I'm not coming out.

Sooner or later, you
are gonna get hungry.

I can starve you out, you know.

Not with all this bread
and cheese, you can't.

[Audience laughing]

Tim, can I speak with one
of the hostages, please?

Here's your tea.

Oh Julie, downgrade
from yellow alert

to brown alert, please.

Now, do terrorists take sugar?

[Audience laughing]

Just give him the
money, Mr. Brittas.

It'll make my life easier.

Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, think.

I cannot set a precedent.

If I surrender to
terrorism just once-

-Gordon?
-Not now, my love.

Gordon, can I borrow
your chequebook?

-[Audience laughing]
-Keep back my darling.

There is in fact a
cordon around me.

Your chequebook,
Gordon, where is it?

I don't have it on me at
this present moment in time.

Well, where is it?

It's actually in my blazer,
in the staffroom, my sweet.

Well, get it then.

Tim, do you think
under a flag of truce

you could pass me out
my chequebook please?

[Audience laughing]

[Tim] No.

Open this door.

My darling, our hostage
negotiations with Tim

have reached a
very delicate stage.

Won't he come out?

I'll get him out for you.

I cannot let an
untrained amateur-

Gordon.

[Audience laughing]

My mother was exactly the same.

They never realise, do they?

Even years later, you still
feel that hurt, don't you?

I don't know why I'm telling
you all this, Mrs. Brittas,

but you're right.

And if anyone's ever
angry, it's like my mother.

All over again.

And I'm in the kitchen making
a mess, trying to cook and-

oh Tim, do you know
what I want to do?

I want to touch you.

I want to put a comforting
hand on your shoulder.

If we could even touch fingers,

but we can't through
this door, can we?

Couldn't you open it up?

[Tim] I can't.

No, no, I understand.

But, hang on a second.

I've got some string here.

I could make a little loop and
push it under the door to you

and then I'll make
another loop at my end

and we'll put her
fingers through

and we'll feel the vibrations.

It'll be as if we are touching.

Have you got it?

Yes.

[Mrs. Brittas] Now,
put your finger through.

-[Audience laughing]
-There.

You see?

We're touching.

It feels good, doesn't it?

Oh, yes.

-[Mrs. Brittas grunts]
-[Audience laughing]

-[Tim screams]
-[Audience laughing]

Very impressive, if I
may say so Mrs. Brittas.

It's a trick I learned
at samaritans.

What do you want us to
do with him, Mr. Brittas?

Leave him, Linda,
he'll be no trouble now.

Get your olympic torch and go
down to the town hall, please.

Carole, let me know when the
television crew arrive, please.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Gavin, get the
hunger lunch outside.

Colin.

I'll see to the doves.

Then double check the
banner on the roof, please.

-[Audience laughing]
-[Snaps fingers]

Julie, get my diary.

I wanna organise some
counselling sessions for Mr. whistler.

[Audience laughing]

So, Mr. Said made
you pay for the bottles?

No, no, I'm buying them myself.

You mean you didn't
tell him what you did?

Oh, I couldn't have told him.

He'd have thought I was awful.

So you bought all
the poisoned bottle?

Oh, not just the
poisoned ones, penny.

[Audience laughing]

He gave me a very good discount.

Hello.

[Regimental music]

[Fanfare music]

[Crowd applauds]

And could I just remind you all

that we are going to be on
television on the local news?

So mums, could we have
the better looking children

-at the front?
-[Audience laughing]

And the uglier ones at the back.

[Crowd clapping]

A single line.

Mr. Brittas, she's just past
the bus station, Mr. Brittas.

Right, all hold hands
please, all hold,

why's no one eating the
bread and cheese, Gavin?

Well, apparently they all ate

before they came, Mr. Brittas.

-[Audience laughing]
-Right.

Boy, girl, boy, girl,
boy, girl, boy, girl.

Are you the
mother of this child?

-Yes.
-Is it a boy or a girl?

It's a girl.

Well, I'm afraid she's gonna
have to be a boy for today.

And don't worry, no one
will notice on television

with ears like that.

[Audience laughing]

Linda's here,
Mr. Brittas, Linda's here.

Right, positions everyone
please, positions please.

What are you doing, Tim?

"Brittas must go"?

You can't do that,
someone might see it!

Everyone's gonna see it,
it's gonna be on television.

[Both grunt]

[Crowd applauds]

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls of whitbury,

if you'd like to look
over in the direction

of the electricity substation,

you will see our athlete
bearing the olympic torch.

She will first circle the
leisure centre in a symbolic lap,

and then she will
ignite the eternal flame,

symbolising the
beginning of whitbury

world peace and hunger week.

[Crowd cheers]

[Helen] Oh, d'you want a hand?

Now, if I can divert
your attention upwards

to where, in a few
moments, our official banner

-will be unveiled and-
-[Audience laughing]

Look, there's two
blokes fighting over there.

Ha!

[Audience laughing]

-Ha, aha!
-[Plank thuds]

[Audience laughing]

Quick everyone, look over here,

Gavin, do the doves.

But what about
Linda, Mr. Brittas?

Linda's gotta light the flame.

Never mind Linda, I'll do
the flame, do the doves.

Look children, birdies.

And the eternal flame is lit.

[Flame roaring]

[Audience laughing]

[Doves thudding]

[Children screaming]

Don't look, children, close
your eyes and hold hands!

[Audience laughing]

[Electricity cracking]

[Audience laughing]

[Electricity cracking]

[Audience laughing]

In many ways, it was
more than I dared hope for.

[Audience laughing]

You mean you didn't plan
to electrocute that many?

That was unfortunate, Julie.

Hello, Gordon.

Why aren't you in
your bed, my darling?

You're supposed
to be unconscious.

Hello, Julie.

D'you know, this started off
as one of my really bad days,

but after that shock, I really
don't feel depressed at all.

[Audience laughing]

Can we go home now, Gordon?

We can have more
babies if you like.

I think, my love, you have
to stay in for observation.

Oh, I've seen as
much as I want to see.

[Audience laughing]

I'll just go and say goodbye
to the woman in the next bed.

You see, there's a positive
side to everything, Julie.

Nobody's dead, I suppose.

You're missing the point, Julie.

They're coming together.

People are talking.

People who've never
spoken to each other

in their lives before,

are holding hands and
whispering in intensive care.

[Audience laughing]

And I think that's something
we should be proud of.

Yeah, well, I can't
hang about here.

Now, don't go do anything else
we can be proud of, will you?

[Audience laughing]

[Laughs] Good girl, Julie.

Oh, nurse?

I had an extra large delivery
today at the leisure centre

of blackcurrant juice,

I thought I might have
it dropped round here

to cheer up the
children, all right?

[Audience laughing]

[Regimental music]

[Audience applauding]