The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 6, Episode 4 - A Walk on the Wildside - full transcript
Tim eagerly joins a meditation course to fight stress, but ends up in deadly panic in the aftermath of Gordon's initially misguided right of passage policy and Colin's killer disease samples for preventive self-infection. While Gordon infuriates a legitimate Face in the Crowd prize-claimant, the course instructor turns out to have wed Helen years before Gordon.
[Upbeat theme music]
Arriving at the junction
of harewood Avenue
and the high street,
our walk takes us left,
into the high street itself.
Morning.
Interesting features to note are
a fine mock tudor
frontage to the video shop,
a striking orange
fascia to the job centre,
and 15p off frozen
peas at the mini mart.
While stocks last.
[Carole] Morning, Mrs. Bidmead.
What's all this then?
It's a face in the
crowd competition.
It's to encourage
people to use the centre.
Oh I see, another one
of brittas' daft ideas, is it?
Mr. Brittas does
not have daft ideas.
Mr. Brittas always
has good ideas.
He's an ideas man.
Oh yes?
Like his archery
classes for the elderly.
That was not Mr. Brittas' fault.
That arrow could've
gone anywhere.
And I happen to know
that he paid for the funeral
out of his own pocket.
So this fella wins a
years free admission
to all our facilities.
And a magnificent
prize it is, too.
A man would kill
for a prize like that.
I'm sorry, I'm not having it.
He's not using
my sauna for free.
Can I have a pen please Carole?
Will one of Ben's felt tips do?
Or crayons?
Or magic markers?
Indelible, water-washable,
they come in three colours,
blue, black and red.
This will be fine.
No one asked me about this.
Mrs. Bidmead, have you
taken leave of your senses?
After a further 642.75 metres,
we pass the inglenook
home for the elderly,
so tragically destroyed
by a stray flaming arrow.
[Studio audience laughs]
The building is now being
restored to its former glory.
-Excuse me please, young man.
-[Tapping]
I've got to come
through, I'm afraid.
You're in the way.
We must have
accurate measurements.
This, then, is frenchman's hill.
[Studio audience laughs]
Famous for its
French men, I suppose.
Oh my god.
[Studio audience laughs]
-[Crashing]
-[Baby cries]
So, as we near the
end of walk number 38
from the precinct to
the gyratory system,
one is reminded of mahatma
Gandhi's famous words.
Oi!
Aren't you the pillock who
runs the leisure centre?
[Studio audience laughs]
I should leave that
if I were you, Colin.
You're only making it worse.
You saw it, Carole.
That was a piece of pure,
premeditated vandalism.
[Children babble]
Oh, stop it Ben!
Now kiss and make up.
Come along, darling, big hugs.
That's right, breathe deeply,
breathe deeply, good boy.
What a caring mother you
are, if I may say so, Carole.
Oh, thank you, Colin.
I'm giving Ben chicken
pox at the moment.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-I'm sorry?
Well Ben's never had it.
The twins have but Ben
hasn't and it's very important
that he gets it out of the
way while he's still a child.
So I've invited his little
friend Sophie around
as she's absolutely covered
in spots and highly contagious.
So, with a bit of luck,
he might come down with
a really serious infection.
[Studio audience laughs]
I am lost in admiration
for you, Carole.
Thank you, Colin.
Navinder says she
does it twice a day.
Meditation is supposed to
relieve stress and solve problems.
I don't see how sitting
around with your eyes closed
can solve your problems.
It's a load of old nonsense.
Shh.
It's alright, she can't hear me.
Yes she can.
Well I'm gonna join a
meditation class this morning.
It could help reduce
my anxiety levels.
But you're down
to do table tennis.
Gosh I feel better for that.
Relaxed, calm, filled with a
deep sense of inner peace.
What am I down for
this morning, Gavin?
Uh, martial arts.
-Great.
-[Slap]
[Studio audience laughs]
Interesting walk, Mr. Brittas?
Incident packed, Colin.
Though not interesting per se.
Certainly not as interesting
as walk number 27.
Ah, yes, the
roundabouts of whitbury,
their verges and their bollards.
[Studio audience laughs]
Fascinating stuff.
A heady brew for any Walker.
Give me a hand
with this, will you?
Certainly, Mr. Brittas.
I've done two more
walks myself, Mr. Brittas.
For your research.
Good man, debrief in
my office, 10 minutes.
Will call, Mr. Brittas.
I've also rigged up the
face in the crowd display.
But I'm afraid I have to
report that Mrs. Bidmead
has defaced the poster.
Dear oh dear oh dear.
Shall I call the police?
Not yet, Colin.
I'd better look
into the matter first.
If it should come
to court, Mr. Brittas,
Carole here was a
witness to the whole event.
Is this true, Carole?
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
In fact it was Carole
who lent her the pen.
-Really, Carole?
-[Studio audience laughs]
Well I suppose-
so you are in fact an
accessory to this alleged
act of vandalism?
Well, I suppose-
I would be careful
what you say, Carole.
I shall of course be
holding a full internal inquiry,
but I'd strongly advise
you not to say anything at all
'til you've spoken to
your legal representative.
-[Tapping]
-Yes, of course Mr. Brittas.
I tell you, I'm dead on my feet.
I've walked miles
and miles and miles.
He won't let me
use the car anymore.
Why not?
Oh, it's Gordon's walking
for health programme,
it's killing me.
He had this stupid idea,
he put it to the
European commission,
it's now a euro directive.
He's got to find 50
interesting walks in whitbury.
The only interesting
walk in whitbury
is the walk out of whitbury.
[Sighs] I can't take much more.
Do you want to try
some of the green ones?
-No, thanks.
-[Studio audience laughs]
Have you thought of joining
in the meditation week?
They've got a swami coming in.
No. I tried it once years ago.
Didn't do anything for me.
-Pills are more reliable.
-[Pills rattle]
[Studio audience laughs]
Has the swami arrived yet?
Carole?
We haven't had any
deliveries this morning.
No, the swami.
He's the hindu
meditation teacher.
Why is he called a swami?
It means master, Gavin.
He's from the east.
When he comes, Tim,
would you take him
to the dance studio?
I've got jiu jitsu.
Carole, what's the matter?
You seem a bit upset.
I don't think I can say anything
without my lawyer present.
What?
I'm being investigated.
Investigated about what?
Morning, love.
Um, welcome to whitbury
new town leisure centre,
how may she help you?
[Studio audience laughs]
Harry Johnson, I'm here
to run meditation classes.
Oh, great, Tim whistler.
I'm really looking
forward to them.
I'll show you the room.
Hey hey hey, I thought you
said he was from the east?
He is, scarborough.
[Studio audience laughs]
Hello.
It's me.
Is this you?
Yes, it's me!
Who do I see about the prize?
[Studio audience laughs]
Got them old maps you wanted.
Excellent!
And Brussels phoned to
see how you're getting on
with your walks for health.
Apparently, they're getting
a very good response
from leisure centres
throughout Europe.
Good.
There's mad buggers
wandering all over the place.
[Studio audience laughs]
And the Germans have
already marched through Poland.
Yes, alright Julie.
That's the commentary
for walk number 38.
More?
I'm gonna induce myself,
banging away on that keyboard
all day every day.
Uh, Julie.
What?
Send a copy to
the liaison officer
for the ramblers association.
I'm keeping them au
fait with developments.
Yeah, yeah.
Right, Colin, your
two walks please.
Great, Mr. Brittas.
The first one has
something for nature lovers
as well as those
of a scientific bend,
as we perambulate from the
sewage works to the abattoir.
[Studio audience laughs]
Hmm, might have
limited appeal, Colin.
What about the second one?
Ah, now that one
is very different.
That one runs from the
abattoir to the sewage works.
[Studio audience laughs]
Gives you an entirely
different perspective.
And you've taken down
some notes, have you?
Full, detailed
notes, Mr. Brittas.
Unfortunately, this bit here
might be a little
bit difficult to read,
you see, as I was jotting
down my notes in the offal room,
[studio audience laughs]
I happened to step on a
piece of stray bovine liver,
which is a lot slippier
than you might think,
and found myself
inexorably propelled
into a vat of steaming entrails.
[Studio audience laughs]
Hence the slight
discoloration round there.
Colin, I'll read what I can
and give you an
answer by Thursday.
Whatever you think, Mr. Brittas.
You see, what we're
concentrating on now, Colin,
is historical walks.
Whitbury through the ages,
whitbury in bygone days,
with a whitbury.
See this map here?
This is whitbury before the
leisure centre was even built.
Look, just fields, orch...
And what's this?
A public right of way?
Colin, we have a problem.
[Studio audience laughs]
So, if St. Mark's is over there,
and the railway
line is over there,
that means that
public right of way
must come around there
then through reception-
[bell dings]
What is it, Carole?
Speak up.
Well I know you said I
wasn't to say anything
'til I'd spoken to my legal
representative, Mr. Brittas.
That was only with
regards of matters
pertaining to my inquiry
vis a vis the poster.
This is to do with
the poster, Mr. Brittas.
Right, better keep
stum, get a lawyer.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-But it's him.
[Mr. Brittas clears his throat]
Hello there.
You're Carole's
solicitor, are you?
No, I'm a plumber.
Uh, Carole, I don't
think this man is qualified
to represent you.
No, no, is this you?
It's me.
[Studio audience laughs]
Sorry?
The photograph there.
That's me.
I'm the face in the crowd.
[Mr. Brittas clears his throat]
[Studio audience laughs]
Got any proof of that?
What do you mean proof?
That's me with my family.
I've only got
your word for that.
I'll need some sort
of corroboration.
[Studio audience laughs]
Well use your eyes,
it's bloody obvious.
Don't adopt that tone with
me, thank you very much.
An extremely valuable
prize is on offer
and I need to know
I've got the right person
and frankly you've done
your claim no good at all
by coming in here and
posing as her lawyer.
[Studio audience laughs]
Come on, Colin, we've
got a path to follow.
No, I'd much rather be a chef.
Ooh, stressful.
Oh, I panic a lot.
Well, my problem
is, you see I've got,
I've got anoraknaphobia.
Ah, you're
frightened of spiders?
No, I'm frightened
of men in anoraks.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-Don't be daft.
You can't be frightened
of men in anoraks.
Oh, well I am.
I used to have these
nightmares when I was little.
The child psychiatrist
said it was to do with death.
The grim reaper, the
hooded figure, anoraks.
I just panic.
Well, meditation could
certainly help with that.
It can give you a
sense of inner peace.
You could look on it as a
kind of stress manageme...
Ma, mah, moon maiden!
[Studio audience laughs]
And then it goes over
this way, through this door,
and it then it goes
straight on through this wall.
Ooh, Colin, it's gonna
have to come down.
But behind this wall
is the ladies' toilet.
It can't be helped, Colin.
This is a public
footpath right of way
and it's my legal
obligation to make sure
the public have
unfettered access to it.
For a start, I'm sure
the ramblers association
will want to
exercise their rights.
Ramble through the ladies'?
Indeed, Colin.
And you know what they're like.
A militant bunch.
As soon as they
find out about it,
they'll be through
here like a dose of salt.
Ah, but how are
they gonna find out?
I'm gonna have
to tell them, Colin.
[Studio audience laughs]
Moon maiden, you're the only
woman I ever really wanted.
I spent years looking for you.
I'd given up hope.
Oh, come on.
It was just a one night stand.
Oh really, that
night was magical.
I was devastated when
you'd left in the morning
without saying a word.
I didn't know where you'd gone.
Grimsby, I think.
I had a holiday job
at the canning factory.
You do remember
that night, don't you?
Oh, yes.
Most of it.
I expect.
What do you remember?
Well, we met at
a party, didn't we?
No, I took you to the party.
We met at a folk club.
Did we?
And the bonfire on the beach.
Oh yes, and there was
lots of singing and dancing.
Yeah, yeah.
We clicked straight
away, didn't we?
Well not straight away, I mean,
we waited 'til after the party.
[Studio audience laughs]
I see what you mean.
And you remember on the beach,
everyone waving
lighters in the air
and giving us their blessing?
Yeah, they did that sort
of thing in those days.
Was that when that
old hippy friend of yours
pretended to marry us?
The reverend Jackson, yeah.
[Laughs] Reverend Jackson,
why did you call him that?
'Cause that's what he was.
[Studio audience laughs]
Still is.
Actually, he's the
bishop of maidstone now.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-You mean it was real?
Well of course.
You're my wife, moon maiden.
[Studio audience laughs]
But I can't be.
I mean, what about Gordon?
And the children?
I, I've got a ring.
I've been to marriage guidance.
Not with me.
No.
What was your name, by the way?
[Scoffs] Harry.
Harry Johnson?
Pleased to meet you, Harry.
I'm Helen brittas.
No, I suppose I'm
Helen Johnson-brittas.
So you're saying
there's a public footpath
running through here
and anyone can walk along it?
Precisely.
Without paying to
come in, Mr. Brittas?
Ah, now we're at the nub of it.
Any member of the public
wishing to use
leisure centre facilities
must pay in the usual way.
Any member of the public
wishing to use the
public right of way
does not need to pay in any way.
But any member of the public
using the public right of way
and then straying into
leisure centre facilities
would then have to
pay in the usual way.
Which is why Colin is down
there at this precise moment,
marking out the route clearly.
It runs through reception,
through the staff restroom-
through the staff restroom?
Hey, that's cool.
Through the ladies' toilets.
They're the ladies' toilets.
Now that is what you
call an inconvenience.
Nice one, Tim, yo!
What's got into you?
Inner peace.
What if someone
wants to spend a penny?
Ah, then they have
to spend £1.80,
the normal admission fee.
No, I mean what
if you're in there
and people start
walking through?
Ah, now that is why
I'm introducing a system
of stewarding along the route
so that, in addition
to your normal jobs,
you'll all be
marshals or stewards
for your own particular area.
[Knocking]
Is this the silly
internal inquiry
you've been talking about?
No, it is not, Mrs. Bidmead.
Regrettably, I've
had to put that on hold
'cause another matter
has superseded it,
but I will be resuming
it in due course.
You know you're a very sad man.
[Studio audience laughs]
Well I'm not very happy
with you, Mrs. Bidmead.
Well what have you
called me up here for then?
I'm not going over old ground.
Gavin will fill you in later.
Now that really
would be a first, yo!
[Studio audience laughs]
Are you on drugs?
No, I've been meditating.
[Studio audience laughs]
Look, there you are.
It's me.
Satisfied now?
How dare you burst into my
office in a semi-naked state.
Who do you think you are?
Is this you?
It's me, I'm him.
Can I be something?
I'm sorry, you bear
no resemblance at all
to the man in the photograph.
For a start he's been
swimming, he's got wet hair.
[Studio audience laughs]
Well would it help
if I wet myself?
[Studio audience laughs]
Gavin, escort this man
from the premises please.
He's an obvious imposter.
Do this sort of thing
for a living, do you?
What sort of thing?
I suppose you're one of
those professional look-a-likes.
Well frankly
you're no good at it.
You're supposed to look
like someone famous.
Gavin, Chuck him out.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
I'll be back.
Who as, Princess Diana?
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.
[Jackhammer smashes up ground]
Colin?
Colin!
Cup of tea for you?
A cup of tea would
be most welcome.
I've been here since 4am.
I'm clearing the path
of all obstructions.
I hope I didn't
disturb you at all.
No, not at all.
I've been up most
of the night with Ben.
Actually, I'm rather pleased.
He's got the chickenpox.
Oh, good.
He's covered in spots.
He's more spot than
Ben at the moment.
Ah but from now on,
Carole, he'll be immune.
He's building up his antibodies.
It's something I
try to do myself.
What is?
Antibody building.
I try to give myself a
disease on a regular basis
so that I can build
up an immunity to it.
As I always say, a disease
a day keeps the doctor away.
[Studio audience laughs]
You're giving Ben
a fine start in life.
Thank you.
As a matter of fact, I've
got something for him.
That's very kind.
-Here we are.
-Oh?
[Cardboard rustles]
Foot and mouth disease,
swine fever, Anthrax.
Sorry?
I've had them all
myself, Carole,
and if you'd like
Ben to have them,
I'd be only too pleased
to give him a dose.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-No, no no, thank you.
It's very kind,
but no thank you.
As you wish.
But if you are thinking of
vaccinations in the future,
remember I can lay my
hand on most diseases.
[Studio audience laughs]
Meditation really
sets me up for the day.
Fills me with get up and go.
Well it hasn't filled Tim
with get up and go, has it?
It's filled him with
sit down and stop.
[Studio audience laughs]
Tim, can you help please?
Oh, no thanks, I'm fine.
I'm preparing for the class.
I'm emptying my head.
Well that won't
take long, will it.
Look, just get off your
butt and help Linda.
Calm down, Gavin.
What you need is some
stress management.
Yeah well if I wasn't management
I wouldn't get the
stress, would I?
Oh, hello.
Is this where they're
doing the meditation class?
Yes.
[Tim] Are you going to join us?
Well yes, I thought
I might give it a try.
You know him, don't
you, the teacher?
Yes we have met, under
different circumstances.
You'll find he's very
good, very thorough.
Gets down to the nitty gritty.
Yeah.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-What was it he called you?
Oh, I don't know.
Moon maiden, yes that was it.
Why did he call you that?
Well, years ago at a wedding,
somebody said moon maiden
and apparently I did.
[Studio audience laughs]
I have spoken to the
ramblers association
and they will be exercising
their right to walk the path
during the course
of the afternoon.
I had no choice.
I realise your position as
borough engineer means that
you've got to approve all
alterations to the centre,
but I was faced with
a legal obligation.
What else could I do?
I will treat that suggestion
with the contempt it deserves.
[Phone slams down]
I'm doing this tape of
yours, walk number 38.
Good.
Now d'you want
me to type it all out?
Yes please.
Including,
"oi, are you the pillock
who runs the leisure centre?"
[Studio audience laughs]
Pardon?
And how d'you spell urgh?
Julie, what are
you talking about?
You know the bit
where he thumps you.
Julie, use your common sense.
Confine yourself to my
descriptive passages, please.
Right.
Oh, by the way, there's
a pervert running amok
in the ladies' toilets.
[Studio audience laughs]
Now come on, Ben,
pink's a lovely colour.
It suits you.
Oh, don't argue with mummy.
Just put on the calamine lotion.
[Cupboard door slams]
[Studio audience laughs]
Oh, Mr. Brittas.
Not now, Carole,
I've had a perv alert.
Oi.
[Studio audience laughs]
[Water splashes]
Now that is just plain pathetic.
[Studio audience laughs]
I want the prize.
And I want it now.
[Drilling and screeching]
Colin!
-[Screaming]
-[Studio audience laughs]
Colin!
[Yelling and crying]
Colin!
I'm on top of it
now, Mr. Brittas.
I'm getting on famously
with this little beauty.
[Gasping]
Can you hear that, Mr. Brittas?
Colin, I've just had a report
there's a pervert
in the ladies'.
I'll get him out for
you, Mr. Brittas.
No, Colin, they think
you're the pervert.
[Knocking]
It's alright, madam, there's
nothing to be alarmed about.
My deputy manager was
merely sawing his way
through the toilets.
You see, I'm afraid that you
are at this precise moment
on a public right of way.
But you can come
out now, it's quite safe.
[Dripping]
I'm telling ya.
I want it. Now.
-[Screaming]
-[Studio audience laughs]
He has blown it up
out of all proportion.
Yes, he does that.
He is so petty,
small-minded, child...
I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk
about your husband like that.
Oh, it's okay.
He's not my husband.
Well of course he is my husband.
We are married, but not legally.
What do you mean?
There's someone
else. My first...
No, my first first husband.
I'd forgotten all about him.
It turns out I'm a bigamist.
I've met the man I was
married to before I was married
to the man I was married
to before I was married
to Gordon.
Sorry, you've lost me.
Yeah, I've lost me too,
but it has its good side.
It means I'm probably
not married to Gordon.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm gonna
do. What would you do?
Do you mean, would
I leave Gordon?
Yeah.
And go off with someone else?
A man I had forgotten all about?
A man who is in fact
a complete stranger?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd leave Gordon.
[Studio audience laughs]
I hope that lady'll be alright.
The paramedic was exaggerating.
People recover from
catatonic states all the time.
Now put that arrow
down there, please,
to signify the path
goes into the restroom.
Drop that, Ben.
That's a silly place
to put a thermometer.
[Studio audience laughs]
Right, Carole, if that
phoney lawyer comes back,
fraudulently claiming the prize,
I wanna know about it.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Mr. Brittas, I know
your inquiry is on hold,
but you see, it wasn't my pen.
It was Ben's pen.
Whoa, trying to lay the
blame on a child, Carole.
It won't wash, you know.
It will, Mr. Brittas,
it's water-washable.
It's gone.
-Where's the poster gone?
-I don't know, Mr. Brittas.
I haven't seen anything.
I've been here taking
Ben's temperature.
Right, Carole, a tannoy
announcement please.
Any member of staff
who knows anything
about the disappearance
of the poster
is to report to me immediately.
I'm prepared to Grant
a two hour amnesty
and within that period I
expect Mrs. Bidmead to own up.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
[Hammering]
[Over loudspeaker] Hello.
Any member of staff who knows
anything about the
disappearance of the poster
is to report to
Mr. Brittas immediately.
He is prepared to
Grant two hours amnesty
-to anyone who owns up.
-[Smashing glass]
[Fizzing]
Harry.
Harry, Harry.
Harry, Harry Harry.
[Studio audience laughs]
Harry, Harry Harry.
[All] [Chanting]
Harry, Harry Harry.
Harry, Harry Harry.
Harry, Harry Harry.
[Fizzing]
Change agenda.
Arms wide open, head back.
Little bit lower.
Steph, you're okay.
[Studio audience laughs]
That's it, that's it!
So Mrs. Bidmead didn't take it?
Not as far as I
know, Mr. Brittas, no.
Right, everybody, positions.
I might have known it's you.
That's what I've
been trying to tell you.
So now you've added theft
to your list of criminal
activities, have you?
That poster is leisure
centre property.
It's also central to an
inquiry that I'm currently...
You've really done it now.
How can I continue my inquiry
now that you've destroyed
the vital evidence?
You are guilty of perverting
the course of justice.
So I have no
alternative but to ban you
from this leisure centre for
the rest of your natural life.
Mr. Brittas, I've
hit a bit of a snag.
Unfortunately, Gavin,
I can't close it off.
It's a public right of way.
But there's foot and
mouth disease in there
and swine fever.
And Anthrax.
Anthrax is lethal!
No, no, Gavin.
It's not that bad.
I was a bit chesty with it
for the first week or two,
and of course the malignant
pustules were a bit irritating,
especially the one
right on the end of my-
yes, thank you, Colin.
[Studio audience laughs]
So you're telling me that
in there at the moment
these serums are inert?
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Inert-ish.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-Oh my god!
Right, Carole, no more
admissions from now on, please.
But what about the
ramblers, Mr. Brittas?
Initiate emergency
procedure 34b.
Ah, the verruca code.
Precisely.
[All] [Chanting] Harry, Harry.
[Harry] I think you have
to come away with me.
Don't you see, we were
meant for each other.
Look, I just don't know, Harry.
But, but if I were
to come with you,
it would just be
for a trial period,
say 3, 4, maybe 5 years.
[Studio audience laughs]
Oh, moon maiden.
Not now, Harry, not now.
Welcome to the whitbury
new town leisure centre,
European walk for health.
Now, anyone ever had
foot and mouth disease?
Swine fever?
Anthrax?
Alright, form an orderly
queue in that direction please.
Carole, spray 'em.
[Studio audience laughs]
Right, Gavin, get ready to take
them through the dip please.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
[Mr. Brittas]
Colin, over to you.
Good afternoon,
lovely day for a walk.
[Studio audience laughs]
Don't worry about
me, I'm immune.
Mr. Brittas?
Julie.
What does rescinded mean?
Rescinded it means
repealed, revoked, cancelled.
Oh, right.
Well the chief planning
officer's been on
and he says that's
what's happened
to your public right of way.
It was repealed,
cancelled and thingy'd
when the leisure
centre was built.
A-ha, right.
He also said you were cretinous,
but it's alright, I know
what that means.
[Studio audience laughs]
Mr. Brittas, you know
what the implications are.
Indeed I do, Gavin.
It means all those people
are here without having paid.
Get rid of them.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
We're gonna have
to tell him, you know.
-What, Gordon?
-[Chanting of 'Harry']
Do we have to?
Yes.
He won't like it.
Trust me.
Think nothing, think everything.
Think darkness, think light.
Yo.
[Walking boots stomp]
Oh god no, it's
the hooded figure.
It's death, he's come for me.
I'm panicking, I'm panicking!
I'm panicking!
[Mr. Brittas] Out
you go, please.
-[Helen] Uh, Gordon?
-In a moment, my darling.
I'm just getting rid
of these trespassers.
Out you go, please.
Out you go.
Out you go, there.
Right, Gavin, we are now in
a position to close the centre
on the grounds that it
is, in fact, a plague zone.
-Right, Mr. Brittas.
-Right.
Gordon, could you come
here a minute, please?
Yes, my angel.
I don't know quite
how to put this to you-
oi, pillock.
I've had enough.
You are banned for life.
Gavin, I thought
we'd thrown him out.
You can't ban me.
I'm on a public right of way.
Na-ha-ha-ha-ha, that is
where you are wrong, squire.
Gavin, eject him forthwith.
I'm panicking, I'm
panicking, I'm panicking!
I've seen him, the grim reaper!
-We're all gonna die!
-[Object whizzes through air]
[Studio audience laughs]
-[Bang]
-Oh, no!
I think you've killed him!
My husband!
What?
My husband!
What?
[Studio audience laughs]
So, it's finally come to this.
In a desperate attempt
to claim the prize,
you've killed the real winner.
Any more for the sheep dip?
Colin, call the police.
With pleasure, Mr. Brittas.
We're finally going to
arrest Mrs. Bidmead, are we?
[Studio audience laughs]
[Upbeat theme plays]
[Studio audience
applauds and cheers]
Arriving at the junction
of harewood Avenue
and the high street,
our walk takes us left,
into the high street itself.
Morning.
Interesting features to note are
a fine mock tudor
frontage to the video shop,
a striking orange
fascia to the job centre,
and 15p off frozen
peas at the mini mart.
While stocks last.
[Carole] Morning, Mrs. Bidmead.
What's all this then?
It's a face in the
crowd competition.
It's to encourage
people to use the centre.
Oh I see, another one
of brittas' daft ideas, is it?
Mr. Brittas does
not have daft ideas.
Mr. Brittas always
has good ideas.
He's an ideas man.
Oh yes?
Like his archery
classes for the elderly.
That was not Mr. Brittas' fault.
That arrow could've
gone anywhere.
And I happen to know
that he paid for the funeral
out of his own pocket.
So this fella wins a
years free admission
to all our facilities.
And a magnificent
prize it is, too.
A man would kill
for a prize like that.
I'm sorry, I'm not having it.
He's not using
my sauna for free.
Can I have a pen please Carole?
Will one of Ben's felt tips do?
Or crayons?
Or magic markers?
Indelible, water-washable,
they come in three colours,
blue, black and red.
This will be fine.
No one asked me about this.
Mrs. Bidmead, have you
taken leave of your senses?
After a further 642.75 metres,
we pass the inglenook
home for the elderly,
so tragically destroyed
by a stray flaming arrow.
[Studio audience laughs]
The building is now being
restored to its former glory.
-Excuse me please, young man.
-[Tapping]
I've got to come
through, I'm afraid.
You're in the way.
We must have
accurate measurements.
This, then, is frenchman's hill.
[Studio audience laughs]
Famous for its
French men, I suppose.
Oh my god.
[Studio audience laughs]
-[Crashing]
-[Baby cries]
So, as we near the
end of walk number 38
from the precinct to
the gyratory system,
one is reminded of mahatma
Gandhi's famous words.
Oi!
Aren't you the pillock who
runs the leisure centre?
[Studio audience laughs]
I should leave that
if I were you, Colin.
You're only making it worse.
You saw it, Carole.
That was a piece of pure,
premeditated vandalism.
[Children babble]
Oh, stop it Ben!
Now kiss and make up.
Come along, darling, big hugs.
That's right, breathe deeply,
breathe deeply, good boy.
What a caring mother you
are, if I may say so, Carole.
Oh, thank you, Colin.
I'm giving Ben chicken
pox at the moment.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-I'm sorry?
Well Ben's never had it.
The twins have but Ben
hasn't and it's very important
that he gets it out of the
way while he's still a child.
So I've invited his little
friend Sophie around
as she's absolutely covered
in spots and highly contagious.
So, with a bit of luck,
he might come down with
a really serious infection.
[Studio audience laughs]
I am lost in admiration
for you, Carole.
Thank you, Colin.
Navinder says she
does it twice a day.
Meditation is supposed to
relieve stress and solve problems.
I don't see how sitting
around with your eyes closed
can solve your problems.
It's a load of old nonsense.
Shh.
It's alright, she can't hear me.
Yes she can.
Well I'm gonna join a
meditation class this morning.
It could help reduce
my anxiety levels.
But you're down
to do table tennis.
Gosh I feel better for that.
Relaxed, calm, filled with a
deep sense of inner peace.
What am I down for
this morning, Gavin?
Uh, martial arts.
-Great.
-[Slap]
[Studio audience laughs]
Interesting walk, Mr. Brittas?
Incident packed, Colin.
Though not interesting per se.
Certainly not as interesting
as walk number 27.
Ah, yes, the
roundabouts of whitbury,
their verges and their bollards.
[Studio audience laughs]
Fascinating stuff.
A heady brew for any Walker.
Give me a hand
with this, will you?
Certainly, Mr. Brittas.
I've done two more
walks myself, Mr. Brittas.
For your research.
Good man, debrief in
my office, 10 minutes.
Will call, Mr. Brittas.
I've also rigged up the
face in the crowd display.
But I'm afraid I have to
report that Mrs. Bidmead
has defaced the poster.
Dear oh dear oh dear.
Shall I call the police?
Not yet, Colin.
I'd better look
into the matter first.
If it should come
to court, Mr. Brittas,
Carole here was a
witness to the whole event.
Is this true, Carole?
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
In fact it was Carole
who lent her the pen.
-Really, Carole?
-[Studio audience laughs]
Well I suppose-
so you are in fact an
accessory to this alleged
act of vandalism?
Well, I suppose-
I would be careful
what you say, Carole.
I shall of course be
holding a full internal inquiry,
but I'd strongly advise
you not to say anything at all
'til you've spoken to
your legal representative.
-[Tapping]
-Yes, of course Mr. Brittas.
I tell you, I'm dead on my feet.
I've walked miles
and miles and miles.
He won't let me
use the car anymore.
Why not?
Oh, it's Gordon's walking
for health programme,
it's killing me.
He had this stupid idea,
he put it to the
European commission,
it's now a euro directive.
He's got to find 50
interesting walks in whitbury.
The only interesting
walk in whitbury
is the walk out of whitbury.
[Sighs] I can't take much more.
Do you want to try
some of the green ones?
-No, thanks.
-[Studio audience laughs]
Have you thought of joining
in the meditation week?
They've got a swami coming in.
No. I tried it once years ago.
Didn't do anything for me.
-Pills are more reliable.
-[Pills rattle]
[Studio audience laughs]
Has the swami arrived yet?
Carole?
We haven't had any
deliveries this morning.
No, the swami.
He's the hindu
meditation teacher.
Why is he called a swami?
It means master, Gavin.
He's from the east.
When he comes, Tim,
would you take him
to the dance studio?
I've got jiu jitsu.
Carole, what's the matter?
You seem a bit upset.
I don't think I can say anything
without my lawyer present.
What?
I'm being investigated.
Investigated about what?
Morning, love.
Um, welcome to whitbury
new town leisure centre,
how may she help you?
[Studio audience laughs]
Harry Johnson, I'm here
to run meditation classes.
Oh, great, Tim whistler.
I'm really looking
forward to them.
I'll show you the room.
Hey hey hey, I thought you
said he was from the east?
He is, scarborough.
[Studio audience laughs]
Hello.
It's me.
Is this you?
Yes, it's me!
Who do I see about the prize?
[Studio audience laughs]
Got them old maps you wanted.
Excellent!
And Brussels phoned to
see how you're getting on
with your walks for health.
Apparently, they're getting
a very good response
from leisure centres
throughout Europe.
Good.
There's mad buggers
wandering all over the place.
[Studio audience laughs]
And the Germans have
already marched through Poland.
Yes, alright Julie.
That's the commentary
for walk number 38.
More?
I'm gonna induce myself,
banging away on that keyboard
all day every day.
Uh, Julie.
What?
Send a copy to
the liaison officer
for the ramblers association.
I'm keeping them au
fait with developments.
Yeah, yeah.
Right, Colin, your
two walks please.
Great, Mr. Brittas.
The first one has
something for nature lovers
as well as those
of a scientific bend,
as we perambulate from the
sewage works to the abattoir.
[Studio audience laughs]
Hmm, might have
limited appeal, Colin.
What about the second one?
Ah, now that one
is very different.
That one runs from the
abattoir to the sewage works.
[Studio audience laughs]
Gives you an entirely
different perspective.
And you've taken down
some notes, have you?
Full, detailed
notes, Mr. Brittas.
Unfortunately, this bit here
might be a little
bit difficult to read,
you see, as I was jotting
down my notes in the offal room,
[studio audience laughs]
I happened to step on a
piece of stray bovine liver,
which is a lot slippier
than you might think,
and found myself
inexorably propelled
into a vat of steaming entrails.
[Studio audience laughs]
Hence the slight
discoloration round there.
Colin, I'll read what I can
and give you an
answer by Thursday.
Whatever you think, Mr. Brittas.
You see, what we're
concentrating on now, Colin,
is historical walks.
Whitbury through the ages,
whitbury in bygone days,
with a whitbury.
See this map here?
This is whitbury before the
leisure centre was even built.
Look, just fields, orch...
And what's this?
A public right of way?
Colin, we have a problem.
[Studio audience laughs]
So, if St. Mark's is over there,
and the railway
line is over there,
that means that
public right of way
must come around there
then through reception-
[bell dings]
What is it, Carole?
Speak up.
Well I know you said I
wasn't to say anything
'til I'd spoken to my legal
representative, Mr. Brittas.
That was only with
regards of matters
pertaining to my inquiry
vis a vis the poster.
This is to do with
the poster, Mr. Brittas.
Right, better keep
stum, get a lawyer.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-But it's him.
[Mr. Brittas clears his throat]
Hello there.
You're Carole's
solicitor, are you?
No, I'm a plumber.
Uh, Carole, I don't
think this man is qualified
to represent you.
No, no, is this you?
It's me.
[Studio audience laughs]
Sorry?
The photograph there.
That's me.
I'm the face in the crowd.
[Mr. Brittas clears his throat]
[Studio audience laughs]
Got any proof of that?
What do you mean proof?
That's me with my family.
I've only got
your word for that.
I'll need some sort
of corroboration.
[Studio audience laughs]
Well use your eyes,
it's bloody obvious.
Don't adopt that tone with
me, thank you very much.
An extremely valuable
prize is on offer
and I need to know
I've got the right person
and frankly you've done
your claim no good at all
by coming in here and
posing as her lawyer.
[Studio audience laughs]
Come on, Colin, we've
got a path to follow.
No, I'd much rather be a chef.
Ooh, stressful.
Oh, I panic a lot.
Well, my problem
is, you see I've got,
I've got anoraknaphobia.
Ah, you're
frightened of spiders?
No, I'm frightened
of men in anoraks.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-Don't be daft.
You can't be frightened
of men in anoraks.
Oh, well I am.
I used to have these
nightmares when I was little.
The child psychiatrist
said it was to do with death.
The grim reaper, the
hooded figure, anoraks.
I just panic.
Well, meditation could
certainly help with that.
It can give you a
sense of inner peace.
You could look on it as a
kind of stress manageme...
Ma, mah, moon maiden!
[Studio audience laughs]
And then it goes over
this way, through this door,
and it then it goes
straight on through this wall.
Ooh, Colin, it's gonna
have to come down.
But behind this wall
is the ladies' toilet.
It can't be helped, Colin.
This is a public
footpath right of way
and it's my legal
obligation to make sure
the public have
unfettered access to it.
For a start, I'm sure
the ramblers association
will want to
exercise their rights.
Ramble through the ladies'?
Indeed, Colin.
And you know what they're like.
A militant bunch.
As soon as they
find out about it,
they'll be through
here like a dose of salt.
Ah, but how are
they gonna find out?
I'm gonna have
to tell them, Colin.
[Studio audience laughs]
Moon maiden, you're the only
woman I ever really wanted.
I spent years looking for you.
I'd given up hope.
Oh, come on.
It was just a one night stand.
Oh really, that
night was magical.
I was devastated when
you'd left in the morning
without saying a word.
I didn't know where you'd gone.
Grimsby, I think.
I had a holiday job
at the canning factory.
You do remember
that night, don't you?
Oh, yes.
Most of it.
I expect.
What do you remember?
Well, we met at
a party, didn't we?
No, I took you to the party.
We met at a folk club.
Did we?
And the bonfire on the beach.
Oh yes, and there was
lots of singing and dancing.
Yeah, yeah.
We clicked straight
away, didn't we?
Well not straight away, I mean,
we waited 'til after the party.
[Studio audience laughs]
I see what you mean.
And you remember on the beach,
everyone waving
lighters in the air
and giving us their blessing?
Yeah, they did that sort
of thing in those days.
Was that when that
old hippy friend of yours
pretended to marry us?
The reverend Jackson, yeah.
[Laughs] Reverend Jackson,
why did you call him that?
'Cause that's what he was.
[Studio audience laughs]
Still is.
Actually, he's the
bishop of maidstone now.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-You mean it was real?
Well of course.
You're my wife, moon maiden.
[Studio audience laughs]
But I can't be.
I mean, what about Gordon?
And the children?
I, I've got a ring.
I've been to marriage guidance.
Not with me.
No.
What was your name, by the way?
[Scoffs] Harry.
Harry Johnson?
Pleased to meet you, Harry.
I'm Helen brittas.
No, I suppose I'm
Helen Johnson-brittas.
So you're saying
there's a public footpath
running through here
and anyone can walk along it?
Precisely.
Without paying to
come in, Mr. Brittas?
Ah, now we're at the nub of it.
Any member of the public
wishing to use
leisure centre facilities
must pay in the usual way.
Any member of the public
wishing to use the
public right of way
does not need to pay in any way.
But any member of the public
using the public right of way
and then straying into
leisure centre facilities
would then have to
pay in the usual way.
Which is why Colin is down
there at this precise moment,
marking out the route clearly.
It runs through reception,
through the staff restroom-
through the staff restroom?
Hey, that's cool.
Through the ladies' toilets.
They're the ladies' toilets.
Now that is what you
call an inconvenience.
Nice one, Tim, yo!
What's got into you?
Inner peace.
What if someone
wants to spend a penny?
Ah, then they have
to spend £1.80,
the normal admission fee.
No, I mean what
if you're in there
and people start
walking through?
Ah, now that is why
I'm introducing a system
of stewarding along the route
so that, in addition
to your normal jobs,
you'll all be
marshals or stewards
for your own particular area.
[Knocking]
Is this the silly
internal inquiry
you've been talking about?
No, it is not, Mrs. Bidmead.
Regrettably, I've
had to put that on hold
'cause another matter
has superseded it,
but I will be resuming
it in due course.
You know you're a very sad man.
[Studio audience laughs]
Well I'm not very happy
with you, Mrs. Bidmead.
Well what have you
called me up here for then?
I'm not going over old ground.
Gavin will fill you in later.
Now that really
would be a first, yo!
[Studio audience laughs]
Are you on drugs?
No, I've been meditating.
[Studio audience laughs]
Look, there you are.
It's me.
Satisfied now?
How dare you burst into my
office in a semi-naked state.
Who do you think you are?
Is this you?
It's me, I'm him.
Can I be something?
I'm sorry, you bear
no resemblance at all
to the man in the photograph.
For a start he's been
swimming, he's got wet hair.
[Studio audience laughs]
Well would it help
if I wet myself?
[Studio audience laughs]
Gavin, escort this man
from the premises please.
He's an obvious imposter.
Do this sort of thing
for a living, do you?
What sort of thing?
I suppose you're one of
those professional look-a-likes.
Well frankly
you're no good at it.
You're supposed to look
like someone famous.
Gavin, Chuck him out.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
I'll be back.
Who as, Princess Diana?
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.
[Jackhammer smashes up ground]
Colin?
Colin!
Cup of tea for you?
A cup of tea would
be most welcome.
I've been here since 4am.
I'm clearing the path
of all obstructions.
I hope I didn't
disturb you at all.
No, not at all.
I've been up most
of the night with Ben.
Actually, I'm rather pleased.
He's got the chickenpox.
Oh, good.
He's covered in spots.
He's more spot than
Ben at the moment.
Ah but from now on,
Carole, he'll be immune.
He's building up his antibodies.
It's something I
try to do myself.
What is?
Antibody building.
I try to give myself a
disease on a regular basis
so that I can build
up an immunity to it.
As I always say, a disease
a day keeps the doctor away.
[Studio audience laughs]
You're giving Ben
a fine start in life.
Thank you.
As a matter of fact, I've
got something for him.
That's very kind.
-Here we are.
-Oh?
[Cardboard rustles]
Foot and mouth disease,
swine fever, Anthrax.
Sorry?
I've had them all
myself, Carole,
and if you'd like
Ben to have them,
I'd be only too pleased
to give him a dose.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-No, no no, thank you.
It's very kind,
but no thank you.
As you wish.
But if you are thinking of
vaccinations in the future,
remember I can lay my
hand on most diseases.
[Studio audience laughs]
Meditation really
sets me up for the day.
Fills me with get up and go.
Well it hasn't filled Tim
with get up and go, has it?
It's filled him with
sit down and stop.
[Studio audience laughs]
Tim, can you help please?
Oh, no thanks, I'm fine.
I'm preparing for the class.
I'm emptying my head.
Well that won't
take long, will it.
Look, just get off your
butt and help Linda.
Calm down, Gavin.
What you need is some
stress management.
Yeah well if I wasn't management
I wouldn't get the
stress, would I?
Oh, hello.
Is this where they're
doing the meditation class?
Yes.
[Tim] Are you going to join us?
Well yes, I thought
I might give it a try.
You know him, don't
you, the teacher?
Yes we have met, under
different circumstances.
You'll find he's very
good, very thorough.
Gets down to the nitty gritty.
Yeah.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-What was it he called you?
Oh, I don't know.
Moon maiden, yes that was it.
Why did he call you that?
Well, years ago at a wedding,
somebody said moon maiden
and apparently I did.
[Studio audience laughs]
I have spoken to the
ramblers association
and they will be exercising
their right to walk the path
during the course
of the afternoon.
I had no choice.
I realise your position as
borough engineer means that
you've got to approve all
alterations to the centre,
but I was faced with
a legal obligation.
What else could I do?
I will treat that suggestion
with the contempt it deserves.
[Phone slams down]
I'm doing this tape of
yours, walk number 38.
Good.
Now d'you want
me to type it all out?
Yes please.
Including,
"oi, are you the pillock
who runs the leisure centre?"
[Studio audience laughs]
Pardon?
And how d'you spell urgh?
Julie, what are
you talking about?
You know the bit
where he thumps you.
Julie, use your common sense.
Confine yourself to my
descriptive passages, please.
Right.
Oh, by the way, there's
a pervert running amok
in the ladies' toilets.
[Studio audience laughs]
Now come on, Ben,
pink's a lovely colour.
It suits you.
Oh, don't argue with mummy.
Just put on the calamine lotion.
[Cupboard door slams]
[Studio audience laughs]
Oh, Mr. Brittas.
Not now, Carole,
I've had a perv alert.
Oi.
[Studio audience laughs]
[Water splashes]
Now that is just plain pathetic.
[Studio audience laughs]
I want the prize.
And I want it now.
[Drilling and screeching]
Colin!
-[Screaming]
-[Studio audience laughs]
Colin!
[Yelling and crying]
Colin!
I'm on top of it
now, Mr. Brittas.
I'm getting on famously
with this little beauty.
[Gasping]
Can you hear that, Mr. Brittas?
Colin, I've just had a report
there's a pervert
in the ladies'.
I'll get him out for
you, Mr. Brittas.
No, Colin, they think
you're the pervert.
[Knocking]
It's alright, madam, there's
nothing to be alarmed about.
My deputy manager was
merely sawing his way
through the toilets.
You see, I'm afraid that you
are at this precise moment
on a public right of way.
But you can come
out now, it's quite safe.
[Dripping]
I'm telling ya.
I want it. Now.
-[Screaming]
-[Studio audience laughs]
He has blown it up
out of all proportion.
Yes, he does that.
He is so petty,
small-minded, child...
I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk
about your husband like that.
Oh, it's okay.
He's not my husband.
Well of course he is my husband.
We are married, but not legally.
What do you mean?
There's someone
else. My first...
No, my first first husband.
I'd forgotten all about him.
It turns out I'm a bigamist.
I've met the man I was
married to before I was married
to the man I was married
to before I was married
to Gordon.
Sorry, you've lost me.
Yeah, I've lost me too,
but it has its good side.
It means I'm probably
not married to Gordon.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm gonna
do. What would you do?
Do you mean, would
I leave Gordon?
Yeah.
And go off with someone else?
A man I had forgotten all about?
A man who is in fact
a complete stranger?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd leave Gordon.
[Studio audience laughs]
I hope that lady'll be alright.
The paramedic was exaggerating.
People recover from
catatonic states all the time.
Now put that arrow
down there, please,
to signify the path
goes into the restroom.
Drop that, Ben.
That's a silly place
to put a thermometer.
[Studio audience laughs]
Right, Carole, if that
phoney lawyer comes back,
fraudulently claiming the prize,
I wanna know about it.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Mr. Brittas, I know
your inquiry is on hold,
but you see, it wasn't my pen.
It was Ben's pen.
Whoa, trying to lay the
blame on a child, Carole.
It won't wash, you know.
It will, Mr. Brittas,
it's water-washable.
It's gone.
-Where's the poster gone?
-I don't know, Mr. Brittas.
I haven't seen anything.
I've been here taking
Ben's temperature.
Right, Carole, a tannoy
announcement please.
Any member of staff
who knows anything
about the disappearance
of the poster
is to report to me immediately.
I'm prepared to Grant
a two hour amnesty
and within that period I
expect Mrs. Bidmead to own up.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
[Hammering]
[Over loudspeaker] Hello.
Any member of staff who knows
anything about the
disappearance of the poster
is to report to
Mr. Brittas immediately.
He is prepared to
Grant two hours amnesty
-to anyone who owns up.
-[Smashing glass]
[Fizzing]
Harry.
Harry, Harry.
Harry, Harry Harry.
[Studio audience laughs]
Harry, Harry Harry.
[All] [Chanting]
Harry, Harry Harry.
Harry, Harry Harry.
Harry, Harry Harry.
[Fizzing]
Change agenda.
Arms wide open, head back.
Little bit lower.
Steph, you're okay.
[Studio audience laughs]
That's it, that's it!
So Mrs. Bidmead didn't take it?
Not as far as I
know, Mr. Brittas, no.
Right, everybody, positions.
I might have known it's you.
That's what I've
been trying to tell you.
So now you've added theft
to your list of criminal
activities, have you?
That poster is leisure
centre property.
It's also central to an
inquiry that I'm currently...
You've really done it now.
How can I continue my inquiry
now that you've destroyed
the vital evidence?
You are guilty of perverting
the course of justice.
So I have no
alternative but to ban you
from this leisure centre for
the rest of your natural life.
Mr. Brittas, I've
hit a bit of a snag.
Unfortunately, Gavin,
I can't close it off.
It's a public right of way.
But there's foot and
mouth disease in there
and swine fever.
And Anthrax.
Anthrax is lethal!
No, no, Gavin.
It's not that bad.
I was a bit chesty with it
for the first week or two,
and of course the malignant
pustules were a bit irritating,
especially the one
right on the end of my-
yes, thank you, Colin.
[Studio audience laughs]
So you're telling me that
in there at the moment
these serums are inert?
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
Inert-ish.
-[Studio audience laughs]
-Oh my god!
Right, Carole, no more
admissions from now on, please.
But what about the
ramblers, Mr. Brittas?
Initiate emergency
procedure 34b.
Ah, the verruca code.
Precisely.
[All] [Chanting] Harry, Harry.
[Harry] I think you have
to come away with me.
Don't you see, we were
meant for each other.
Look, I just don't know, Harry.
But, but if I were
to come with you,
it would just be
for a trial period,
say 3, 4, maybe 5 years.
[Studio audience laughs]
Oh, moon maiden.
Not now, Harry, not now.
Welcome to the whitbury
new town leisure centre,
European walk for health.
Now, anyone ever had
foot and mouth disease?
Swine fever?
Anthrax?
Alright, form an orderly
queue in that direction please.
Carole, spray 'em.
[Studio audience laughs]
Right, Gavin, get ready to take
them through the dip please.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
[Mr. Brittas]
Colin, over to you.
Good afternoon,
lovely day for a walk.
[Studio audience laughs]
Don't worry about
me, I'm immune.
Mr. Brittas?
Julie.
What does rescinded mean?
Rescinded it means
repealed, revoked, cancelled.
Oh, right.
Well the chief planning
officer's been on
and he says that's
what's happened
to your public right of way.
It was repealed,
cancelled and thingy'd
when the leisure
centre was built.
A-ha, right.
He also said you were cretinous,
but it's alright, I know
what that means.
[Studio audience laughs]
Mr. Brittas, you know
what the implications are.
Indeed I do, Gavin.
It means all those people
are here without having paid.
Get rid of them.
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
We're gonna have
to tell him, you know.
-What, Gordon?
-[Chanting of 'Harry']
Do we have to?
Yes.
He won't like it.
Trust me.
Think nothing, think everything.
Think darkness, think light.
Yo.
[Walking boots stomp]
Oh god no, it's
the hooded figure.
It's death, he's come for me.
I'm panicking, I'm panicking!
I'm panicking!
[Mr. Brittas] Out
you go, please.
-[Helen] Uh, Gordon?
-In a moment, my darling.
I'm just getting rid
of these trespassers.
Out you go, please.
Out you go.
Out you go, there.
Right, Gavin, we are now in
a position to close the centre
on the grounds that it
is, in fact, a plague zone.
-Right, Mr. Brittas.
-Right.
Gordon, could you come
here a minute, please?
Yes, my angel.
I don't know quite
how to put this to you-
oi, pillock.
I've had enough.
You are banned for life.
Gavin, I thought
we'd thrown him out.
You can't ban me.
I'm on a public right of way.
Na-ha-ha-ha-ha, that is
where you are wrong, squire.
Gavin, eject him forthwith.
I'm panicking, I'm
panicking, I'm panicking!
I've seen him, the grim reaper!
-We're all gonna die!
-[Object whizzes through air]
[Studio audience laughs]
-[Bang]
-Oh, no!
I think you've killed him!
My husband!
What?
My husband!
What?
[Studio audience laughs]
So, it's finally come to this.
In a desperate attempt
to claim the prize,
you've killed the real winner.
Any more for the sheep dip?
Colin, call the police.
With pleasure, Mr. Brittas.
We're finally going to
arrest Mrs. Bidmead, are we?
[Studio audience laughs]
[Upbeat theme plays]
[Studio audience
applauds and cheers]