The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 6, Episode 3 - At the Double - full transcript

[Dramatic music]

[Man whistles]

Hello, lady.

Mr. Brittas.

Pretty lady.

I am always being telled
that English ladies are top dog

and it is true.

Hello, baby doll.

What are you
wearing, Mr. Brittas?

I like you very much.

You're bigger and better.



More room for beauty, eh?

But too many clothes, you know?

Why are you talking
like that, Mr. Brittas?

No British. No,
no, no, no, no, no.

I no speak English good,
you know, I ruthenian.

Ruthenian state
circus, you come tonight,

be my special guest.

We make music
together. You musical?

Musical? Yes, I
used to play a little,

but I've forgotten it all now.

People tell me I
have a very good ear.

You have one good ear,

two good ear, both
good ears best.

You musical all
over and I love you.



-[Carol yells]
-[Carol] Oh, Mr. Brittas.

Julie, memo number 27.

Tell Carol she's late for work

and not to talk to
strange men in the streets.

You go practise your music.

You come afterwards, ask for me.

Round the back, together
we make music. [Growls]

Round the back
of what, Mr. Brittas.

Igor!

[Vlad speaking in
foreign language]

Excuse me, sir.

If you've come for a swim,

I should point out that it's
over 65s only all morning

and under fives
only all afternoon,

but do come back tomorrow.

Timothy, do you want to take
over at reception from Carol.

No, yes, what.

While she's canoodling with
strange men in the streets,

I should point out to you,

reception standing
order number 22b,

the receptionist is to
be awake at all times.

I was just thinking with
my eyes closed, Mr. Brittas.

22c with her eyes open.

Mr. Brittas, these
gentlemen are from the-

we represent the first
national church of chattanooga.

Do I have the pleasure of
speaking to Mr. Gordon brightass?

I already take the reader's
digest, thank you very much.

Good morning.

Our visit on this occasion

is not in connection
with that organ.

Mr. Brightass, according to
this man of the year cover story

in time magazine, you
were, for a short time,

clinically and officially dead.

Oh yes, he was.

He was crushed flat by a
falling water tank right here

and then, when we
were trying to Bury him,

we heard this knocking on the...

Thank you, Timothy.

I am first and
foremost, however,

manager of this very
busy leisure centre

and for that reason, I've
turned down all interviews.

Good morning.

This is no interview, sir.

Since you have been born again,

we wish to complete the
process by baptising you again,

by complete immersion
personally in your own pool

with music provided
by our choir.

Mr. Chattanooga, please!

A leisure centre manager
has to be above mere religion.

I have all sorts of faiths
coming in through these doors

and I have to be impartial.

I said no to circumcision
and I have to say no to you.

[Indistinct]

But Mr. Brightass...

Right, first things first.

Gavin, what have
I got on my hand?

Is this a conjuring
trick, Mr. Brittas?

Lowest form of wit, Gavin.

It's for juggling, isn't it?

Precisely, Mrs. Bidmead,

and what is the word we're
remembering all this week?

Beans?

No, the word we're remembering
is merchandising, Gavin.

Why remember beans?

It's a bean bag, isn't it,
Mr. Brittas, for juggling with?

Exactly, juggling, and
what is special about today?

It's Thursday.

Gavin, are you
due for a holiday?

I just had one, Mr. Brittas,
in skiathos with Tim.

Too many late
nights, too many girls.

You're both looking tired.

Today is the day we've
got a juggler and unicyclist

from the ruthenian
state circus coming in.

Exactly, Penelope.
Sharp as a tack.

Excuse me, Mr. Brittas,
have you heard anything

about this ruthenian
state circus?

Apparently, they're terrible.

There's only three of them.

They just keep coming
on in different moustaches.

They're from eastern
Europe, Gavin.

Our job, as European
community members,

is to extend the
hand of friendship.

Yeah, but Mr. Brittas,

they've still got
performing animals.

They've got some sort of bear

that they make wear a silly hat

and ride around on a tricycle.

Gavin, the person
coming here is a unicyclist

and a juggler and he's
gonna be doing demonstrations

in the sports hall

and you are gonna be
selling starter juggling kits

to all our customers. All right?

There's 2,000 of them.
I want them all sold.

But there aren't 2,000
kids in town, Mr. Brittas.

Defeatism, Gavin.

Juggling is for all ages

and unicycling is
recommended to older people.

What do I do when they fall off?

Gavin, you put
them back on again.

No gain without pain.

What's that smell?

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Brittas.

It was the swimming pool.

A build-up of corn
plasters in the filter.

I don't need the evidence
on my desk, Colin.

Now, we're talking
about merchandising.

You wanted ideas,
Mr. Brittas, and I've got one.

We sell this in reception,

old mother
weatherby's herbal tonic.

It's made from
stinking hot weed,

stinking puffball, stinking
cress, and mimosa malodorada.

What's that?

Stinking mimosa.

Colin, this is a leisure centre,

not old mother
weatherby's kitchen.

But Mr. Brittas, this is a
genuine herbal remedy.

I'm a living
advertisement for it.

Look at my nose.

It's bright red, Colin.

Exactly. This tonic
draws all the poisons up

into one place, you see,
where they swell and swell,

and then one day the
pressure just gets so great

the whole thing just-

yes, all right,
thank you, Colin.

Gavin, I want you to try this
lot down to the pool please

and set up an attractive
display by the water's edge.

Great. Now I'm a
beanbag salesman.

And don't grind
your teeth. Penny.

Mr. Brittas, that
little wart thing

on the side of your face,

you can get those
taken off you know.

Only if we can sell them to
the public, penny. [Laughs]

Right, good meeting, everyone.

Colin, you're still here.

But Mr. Brittas, my tonic.

I've been fine
tuning it all week.

I've been putting frogs
in, taking frogs out.

Colin, the public
do not want anything

that frogs have been in.

But Mr. Brittas, I've
made 20 gallons of it.

It goes off in a week.

Get rid of it please

and put something
modern on that nose.

People swear by my tonic.

Not in this leisure
centre they don't.

-Close the door please.
-[Door slamming]

Julie.

[Julie] I'm doing the crossword.

Julie, I want you to get Linda.

I want you to tell her that,
although I'm very busy,

I've got a small window.

[Julie] I'd Chuck myself
out of it if I were you.

Julie, just tell her that
if she wants to see me,

now is the time.

[Julie] She's here.

Oh, Linda, please come in.

My door is always open.

Take a seat, will you.

Now what's the trouble?
You've got one minute.

It's about this
merchandising idea

that you wanted us to have.

Excellent, Linda.

Pitch it.

What?

Pitch it to me.
Tell me what it is.

Oh, well, it's
these, Mr. Brittas.

Drawings to sell in
reception as souvenirs.

Who's this, Linda?

It's Edward, my boyfriend.

I did them in life class.

Linda, this is a drawing of a
70-year-old wrinkly old man.

Don't you like them?

But you said the
body was a temple.

You said it was beautiful.

Pardon?

Last night, you
said I was beautiful.

I said what?

In the supermarket.

You were sweet.
You had your boots on.

You put your arms around me

and told me, in
that funny accent,

that I was the
most beautiful lady.

What supermarket?

I was by the frozen peas and
you came up and tickled me.

Linda, I did not go
shopping last night.

I was at home
emptying my turn-ups

and tickling staff is
not part of my remit.

Oh, you did it very nicely.

Linda, do you realise,

accusing me of doing
something I didn't do,

at a place I didn't go to,
amounts to harassment?

Harassment? Who
was arresting who?

I didn't tickle you.

And nor will you
while I'm about.

Well, that's very nice.

All right, if you don't
want me to help, I won't,

and I'm not coming
round the back

to make music tonight either.

You can make music on your own.

Julie, when did Linda
last have a holiday?

[Violin squeaking]

Oh, do be quiet, Ben,
you'll disturb people.

Carol, can I borrow
a marker pen?

Yes, borrow one
of Ben's felt tips,

I'm sure he won't mind.

[Ben] Oh no,
you're not doing that.

You'll get it back.

What's this thing?

It's a bust of Beethoven.

Oh great, we're selling busts
of Beethoven are we now?

I mean, I don't mind
goggles, I don't mind flippers,

I don't even mind
Kendall mint cake,

but what the hell's
Beethoven got to do

with a leisure centre?

It's just merchandising
gone mad.

It's not merchandising,
it's mine.

Oh.

To inspire me, like Mr. Brittas.

This morning, he told
me to make music.

So I'm learning lots
of new instruments,

starting with the violin.

-[Violin squeaking]
-Oh yes, nice.

Thanks for the pen.

Did you know you could get a nip

taken out of your buttocks
to give them definition?

I don't want a nip
taken out of my buttocks.

It only costs 200 pounds.

I've only got 100 pounds.

Mind if I walk around lopsided?

Doesn't want me. He
doesn't want my tonic.

-Well, I don't want him!
-[Door slams]

[Sighs] What?

What, Tim.

Oh, I'm sorry, Colin.

Carol's back in reception

so I came down
here for a bit of a kip.

I've been out all
night with my catering.

You won't tell
brittas, will you?

I'm not talking to him.

He'd never believe how
popular catering was.

We've got loads of bookings.

It might come to the point
where I have to give this job up.

I'm thinking of
giving it up altogether.

What do you mean,
stop unblocking things?

He's really my back
up this time, Tim.

These herbs are a living
repository of ancient knowledge.

He thinks they're rubbish.

Well, Colin, there was that
time he had athlete's foot.

You gave him some stuff

and all his hair
started falling out.

That was a labelling
error, Timothy.

I'm gonna prove he's wrong.

I'm gonna prove that this
is what the public wants.

I'm going to give away
free samples at reception.

I'm going to fill all
these little bottles.

[Tim yawns]

You could do with some
of this yourself, you know.

Pick you up.

Pass me that funnel.

You're not gonna pour it
straight down my throat, are you?

I'm going to fill these.

Ah, here, that's for you.

Chuck it down.

Oh, well, I'm supposed
to be at the deep end.

I'll take it with me. Perhaps
I'll Chuck it down later.

At your convenience.

Very probably.

[Violin playing soulfully]

Morning, Carol.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Brittas.

Aren't I musical?

Are you?

Well, Mr. Brittas said so.

He's inspired me.

I'm working my way
through the whole orchestra.

Carol. The romance has
gone out of our marriage.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Brittas.

Does Mr. Brittas know?

Have you seen this?

"Is the excitement
still in your bedtime?"

I only scored 22%
and I was cheating.

Look, "score 20
to 30, brrr, frigid.

Your bed must be
like Greenland, missus.

Do something
before you ice over."

Well, you've no need to
worry about Mr. Brittas today.

He wasn't at all frigid
when I saw him this morning.

In fact, he approached me.

He approached you?

Yes, from behind a tree.

He told me to make music

and he was so funny
and persuasive, I have.

Oh, Mrs. Bidmead, Mrs.
Nugent has cancelled the sauna.

-Thank you.
-Pleasure.

-Hello, Mrs. Brittas.
-Hello.

I hope you don't mind me saying,

but you're looking slightly
baggy under the eyes.

Well, of course I am.

You try being
alluring and exciting

with three children
and a household to run.

Four children, Mrs. Brittas

four, yes. It's even
worse than I thought.

You can get your under-eyes
dredged, you know?

Dredged?

Why don't you come
and have a jacuzzi?

You've been looking
very drawn recently.

Drawn?

Eternal vigilance, Timothy.

[Tim] Yes, yes, Mr. Brittas.

Gavin, how many sold?

None yet, Mr. Brittas,
there's a bit of a problem.

Well, have you attracted
people's attention?

Have you juggled?

Well, I can't juggle, Mr. Brittas,
and these beanbags...

[Mr. Brittas whistling]

All out!

Please leave the pool immediately
by the ladder to my right.

Proceed to the changing
rooms via this table,

where juggling kits are
available from our attendant.

Come on, at the double, please.

See Gavin, salesmanship.

They won't want
them, Mr. Brittas.

There's only two
beanbags in each kit.

There ought to be three.

If you do it with two,
well, that's not juggling.

Gavin, it's a
marketing opportunity.

Give away one packet free
with every packet bought, simple.

But we'll lose money and
then they'll have four beanbags.

Then charge twice as
much, Gavin. [Indistinct]

They haven't got any
money with them, Mr. Brittas.

What am I supposed to do,

send them out one by
one to get their clothes?

Not clothes, Gavin, wallets.

And you could get
the cellulite removed.

Isn't cellulite what they
insulate ceilings with?

Perhaps they do when
they've taken it out.

Oh, and I noticed your
ears aren't the same.

You can get them
balanced surgically.

I thought I was
basically all right.

Well, basically, yes.

Gordon's never complained.

Mind you, in the last few
weeks, he's barely noticed me.

Yes, but some of that time
he was dead, wasn't he?

Yeah, we're not counting
when he was dead,

and I was in a
padded cell, anyway.

But now he's back, he just
doesn't seem interested.

Do you think he could
have left his libido

on the other side?

You'll have to find a
way of interesting him.

Do you play games?

Oh no, I can't bear
Gordon and games.

He's so competitive.

He even has to win at
French cricket with the boys.

No. Dressing up, pretending
to be someone else.

People do it. They say
it's good for marriages.

We went to a vicar
and tarts party once.

I went as the vicar and
he went as a bakewell tart.

The dog was all over him.

No, not for fancy dress parties.

Round the house, every day.

Do you know, there are a
lot of people here in whitbury

doing the chores dressed up
as Dorothy and the wizard of oz.

Dorothy? I suppose
I could give it a try.

But what's Gordon
gonna be? Toto?

Well, I think it doesn't have
to be from the same thing.

He could be Indiana Jones.

Do you know, he can
look a bit like Harrison Ford,

when I'm on the right pills.

[Trombone sounding]

Carol.

Mr. Brittas, is it still
pensioners' swimming time?

Yes, but there are rules.

No shouting, no splashing,
no whistling, no petting,

and you've got
to keep to the left

in swimming lanes, all right?

Hang on a second,
didn't I ban you

for taking too long
to get changed?

I think I did, didn't I?

Out you go, please.

-Out, out.
-[Pensioner sobbing]

Out you go and
don't take all day.

Right, Carol, whats
this apparatus?

Well, you said I was
musical, Mr. Brittas,

and I am. Listen.

[Trombone playing]

All right, Carol.

This is reception

and you are a receptionist,
not Louis Armstrong.

Get rid of it please.

Any sign of that juggling man?

No, Mr. Brittas.

Now listen, you
said I was musical

so come over here
and turn over for me.

But this time, no tickling.

I beg your pardon.

This morning, you tickled me.

Carol, are you in some sort
of conspiracy with Linda?

I do not do tickling.
Matter closed, all right?

Now I want you to wear
this t-shirt for me please.

You've been chosen as
someone prominent enough

to show off the whole logo.

"Jugglers do it up
in the air," all right?

Now that is witty, Carol.

So let's put it on

and make sure the words
are at the front please

and Carol don't cry, we
can't all go on holiday.

He's made you cry, Carol.

Now I'll tell you the truth,

he's made me cry too,

-several times.
-Oh, Colin.

We're two of a kind, Carol.

Yes, we are.

Have I ever proposed
marriage to you, Carol?

Yes, as a matter
of fact, you have.

And what did you say?

I said I'd like
to, but I couldn't.

Well, fair enough, Carol.

Now I'd like you to
give a bottle of this

to everybody who comes
into reception, if you would.

Oh, hello again.

Madam, may we speak again
with your Mr. Brightass, please?

We have spoken with chattanooga

and we have been authorised
to say to Mr. Brightass

that if he will consent
to be baptised,

he will immediately become
an elder of the church

and will be
permitted four wives.

Well, I think he's got enough
trouble with just the one.

Four wives, eh? He'll
be needing my tonic.

Speaking of which, gentlemen,

if each of you would
like to drink one of these,

I'll nip up and see
Mr. Brittas for you personally.

Thank you.

A blessing upon you.

Delicious.

[Vlad speaking in
foreign language]

Whitbury leisure centre.

[Banging on Van door]

[Vlad speaking in
foreign language]

[Trombone playing Beethoven]

Beautiful music.

Mr. Brittas, you've
dressed like that again.

Pretty lady of this morning.

And you're talking
like that again.

Oh, you are big and
beautiful, pretty lady.

Tell me, what is
your boss called?

Well, it's you, Mr. Brittas.

Mr. Brittas.

Briss? Briss? Briss.

I call him boss, beautiful lady.

I love you. I love whitbury.

I love this.

You're going the
wrong way, Mr. Brittas.

Mr. Brightass, we
have a new deal, sir.

Oh, don't be disappointed.
He's a very busy man.

But I could play
you a little something

while you're waiting.

Suffering, brothers,
the way to heaven.

I am a bit lost.

Help me, somebody
show me the way.

Hey, pretty lady, only in towel,
you show me the way please?

Gordon?

You show me the way.

Gordon, the boots, the get-up.

You're Indiana Jones.

I love it.

No Indiana, ruthenia.

Ruthenia Jones.

You come back tonight.

Special guest, we make music.

You want to save
our marriage too.

Oh Gordon.

[Vlad sighing]

Gordon, you smell
of horse manure.

It's a dream come true.

Quick, into the cupboard.

[Vlad panting]

Oh, damn, they've
had a delivery.

Come on.

Oh, back in there.

I'll get rid of them.

Helen, what are you doing here?

You said you were gonna
hoover the sitting room

and you know the rules.

Proper clothes in all
corridors at all times.

Dressed skimpily like that,

some over-65 could easily
take advantage of you.

What is it, my sweet?

But you?

[Helen whimpers]

I think I want to go back to
the clinic for more therapy.

You haven't been yourself
since I was dead, have you?

Hello? Hello?

[Vlad speaking in
foreign language]

[Liquid spurting]

Too much frog.

Hello, peoples!

Excuse me.

Oh, Mr. Brittas, you've
come to apologise.

Well, you didn't
need to dress up.

But now you are here,
by way of friendship,

have a drink of this.

Oh, a drink! Please,
I am Vladimir.

You are red-nose man?

You drink in
cellar. I drink also.

I know why you're
talking like that, Mr. Brittas.

It's because, for the
first time in your life,

you're embarrassed.

Well, you needn't be.

I've never said this before,
but I love you, Mr. Brittas.

I love you.

I love you too.

We are brothers.

Soon ruthenia join
the common market.

We in eurovision
singing contest. [Laughs]

Never mind about Europe, Mr. B,

this stuff will go a
bomb in the states.

[Vlad sighs]

[Glasses clinking]

Very, very good.

Oh, really
wonderful, Mr. Brittas.

[Sighs] Where do I find boss?

Time to juggle.
Where do I find brittas?

In your office, Mr. Brittas.

Happy birthday!

I go, red-nose man. I love you.

Happy birthday? There's
too much frog in this.

You were foreign and exciting

and you were in the cupboard.

This is you, is it, Gordon?

I mean, when you say
wife, I am your wife, am I?

Very much beloved
wife, my sweet.

So you do still want to seduce
me in the towel cupboard?

Not right now, Helen.

I've wanted you to
revive our marriage.

I wanted you to come to
me as something different,

even a wild animal.

Helen, it's not
even lunchtime yet.

[Buzzer rings]

Yes, Julie.

The clinic says, Mrs.
Brittas's taxi is on its way

and the chattanooga
church people say,

you can be a bishop if you
want to and have eight wives.

Julie, tell Mr. Chattanooga,
I do not want eight wives,

thank you very much.

One is quite enough for me.

Oh, Gordon, you
do love me. Kiss me.

Not right now, Helen.

I've got two dozen
unicycles to assemble.

They came flat-packed.

I give up.

Julie.

I'm on the phone.

[Mr. Brittas] I need Colin
with a screwdriver please.

He's in his cubbyhole.
Ring him yourself.

Sorry I was interrupted.

Then what happened?

This morning, you say?

Hey, brittas has been
here all morning, hasn't he?

He hasn't slipped out at all?

Well, I don't know. Mind
you, I've been asleep.

-Julie, where's the...
-No, no,

whoever told you all that
must've got the wrong person.

Yeah, bye.

The "whitbury
times" says, is it true

that Mr. Brittas gave the
kiss of life to a bull terrier

in the underpass this morning?

Well, he wouldn't kiss a
dog. He doesn't like dogs.

And the dog wouldn't kiss him.

Julie, where's that
disposable camera thing

that was here the other day?

-Why?
-Well, brittas has gone mad.

He's dressed up like a cossack.

He's downstairs now.

No he isn't. He's
in there with Mrs. B.

But I've just--trouble, Julie.

I may have to take Trevor.

Brittas is drunk and he's just
goosed three young women

in the sports hall apparently.

No he hasn't.
He's in his office.

What?

[Buzzer rings]

[Mr. Brittas] Yes, Julie?

Nothing.

[Mr. Brittas] Thank you, Julie.

Time for your
maternity leave, I think.

[Indistinct] It's schizophrenia.

He was all over me
by the frozen peas,

breathing garlic, wearing
those boots, you see.

But as soon as he puts
the magic blazer on,

-he's brittas again.
-[Phone ringing]

So he thinks he's two people?

Well, he can't think himself

into two places at once, can he?

Hang on, who's
this under the bear?

Penny says it isn't
brittas on the unicycle

'cause he hasn't got
that funny little warty thing

like brittas has.

It's the great vlad, he
looks just like brittas.

Fancy that.

Not much.

This means
Mr. Brittas is in danger.

This man is his doppelganger.

His what?

He's double,
comparative mythology.

The doppelganger is the
one that looks just like you

and when you meet him
face to face, you're dead.

It would be a bit of
a shock, wouldn't it?

I mean, if I saw me
walking down the street,

I don't know what I'd say.

"He's nice," you'd
say, "he's very nice."

I can't wait to see his face

when he sees his other face.

No! Seeing his
doppelganger will kill him.

He's only just
been dead, anyway.

Come on, Gavin,
we've got to protect him.

Hang on, Linda.

Look, if brittas dies, I might
well get to be manager.

You know they often
appoint internally.

How can you say such a thing?

-Well, it's true, isn't it?
-Yeah.

You all want him dead.

I'll protect him on my own then.

There may be a bit of a problem.

My word, you've
changed back quickly.

What is it, Colin?

There may have
been a labelling error.

With what?

Well, the labels were
in lovely old gothic script,

you see, and the word tonic

and laxative look
very much the same.

That was probably
why they stopped

using gothic script, Colin.

Luckily, only 33 people,

-including yourself-
-[Linda] Hey!

I don't want you
to die, Mr. Brittas.

Thank you, Linda.

Colin, guard that door.

No one is to come in.

Oh, Mr. Brittas, you're
not gonna believe this,

but you're in my office.

-It's the doppelganger.
-What?

You're not to see him.

Shall I show you in?

Under the desk, Mr. Brittas.

Colin, I never
thought I'd say this,

but you seem to be the sane one.

-What is going on?
-[Vlad] Mr. Brittas,

-vlad is here.
-Come on, he's in here.

He mustn't see him.

[Mr. Brittas] Linda! Linda!

Where is brittas?

Mr. Brittas.

[Mr. Brittas] Linda.

Indiana, I mean, ruthenia.

Pretty lady. [Indistinct]

[Linda] Hey!

[Linda grunts]

Colin, look after Mr. Brittas.

Which one?

[Mr. Brittas] Gavin!

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

What is going on?

Nobody knows, Mr. Brittas.

I want to go back to my clinic.

What you need, my
darling, is a holiday.

Where are we taking him?

Back to the circus?

But they're not in town yet.

Well take him to the field
where they're going to be.

Get on with it.

[Car engine roaring]

[Bear snarling]

[Gentle piano music]

Carol.

It's rachmaninoff, Mr. Brittas,

and all because
you believed in me.

Mr. Brightass.

Still here are we?

Shouldn't you be down
at reception, Carol?

I'm just getting to the
dramatic bit, Mr. Brittas.

So am I, Carol.

Get down to reception
or you're fired.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Mr. Brightass, we-

Carol, we have a problem.

Colin left 33 samples of his
laxative on the reception desk

and they've all been drunk
by members of the public.

That wouldn't have
happened if you'd been on duty.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

Excuse me, Mr. Brittas,

do you know there's
a bear in the car park?

I'm not familiar
with it, Gavin, no.

Actually, it doesn't sound
like my kind of music.

No, no, no. There's
a bear in the car park.

A bear?

Right, ring the
fire alarm, Gavin.

Evacuate the building.

Evacuate the building,

what out to the car
park where the bear is?

The...

You have bears in
america, don't you?

Not in the city of
chattanooga as such.

Right, brown alert, Carol.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Gavin, initiate
emergency plan Alpha 10.

Alpha 10, that's the one
for big cats, lions, tigers.

It's the nearest
we've got, Gavin.

The one where we
all jump in the pool?

Precisely, all in
the pool, you lot.

But Mr. Brittas,
bears like water.

Gavin, you're thinking of honey.

Everyone in the pool please.

That includes you, Mrs.
Bidmead, in the pool please.

Right, I know this is fun

and yes, we will be
having a singsong later

while our attendants come
round with the merchandise,

but there is a serious reason

to us all being in
the pool together

-like this.
-[Bear growling]

There is a large, brown
bear loose in the centre.

I repeat, there's a large brown-

-[bear growls]
-[People scream]

All right, everyone, put
your heads under the water.

He may not see us.

[Water splashes]

Faster! Faster, Gordon, faster!

Helen, my darling,
that's not me.

Gordon brightass, in the
name of the first national church

of chattanooga, I
baptise thee once,

and twice, and thrice.

Hello, pretty lady.

Always, I am being told that
English ladies are the best.

You are perfect.

[Dramatic music]