The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 6, Episode 2 - Body Language - full transcript

[Light military band music]

And can I ask you all
to keep an eye open

for unauthorised use
of the disabled facilities?

Only last week, I caught
a perfectly healthy member

of the over-60s aerobic
club using the facilities illicitly.

She was in no way disabled.

She is now.

You pushed her down the stairs.

I didn't push her, Tim.

She lost her footing whilst
trying to evade capture.

[Audience laughing]



She was in a wheelchair.

Well, she's in a
wheelchair now, Julie, yes.

And if she does come into
the centre in her wheelchair,

she's perfectly at Liberty
to use the disabled facilities.

[Audience laughing]

The builders have
left, Mr. Brittas.

They've replaced
the partition wall

that Mrs. Boscom
crashed through.

Well done, Gavin.

Creep.

[Audience laughing]

Right, now before
we go on to our duties,

ongoing communication skills.

Oh, why do we have
to keep on doing this?



Because it's ongoing,
Tim, it goes on.

On and on.

Right, now, "module
14, body language".

What was module 13?

Learning to listen.

Oh, I think I missed that.

[Audience laughing]

Did anyone take any
notes because I would like-

Linda, just shut it, will you?

And pay attention.

Right, now, "module
14, body language,

"establishing a
rapport non-verbally."

Can I be excused at this point
'cause doing body language

when you're pregnant is like
talking with your mouth full?

[Audience laughing]

Julie, just sit down, please.

And let's all look at,
Mrs. Bidmead's body.

I beg your pardon?

[Audience laughing]

Colin, what do you see?

From here, Mr. Brittas, or
shall I move a bit closer?

Without meaning to,

Mrs. Bidmead's body is
saying, "I don't want to be here,

"I'm on the
defensive, I'm fed up."

She's giving out all
the wrong messages.

Who says they're wrong?

[Audience laughing]

I've got the sauna to run.

What is the point of all this?

Oh, I'll tell you what
the point is, Tim.

The point is communication.

Here we are in a leisure centre.

We have to make
people feel relaxed.

Our job is to understand

what people's bodies
are saying to us

and our bodies
have to say in return,

"welcome, relax, feel at ease."

Now, can I have a
volunteer, please?

Right you are, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Perhaps we'll have
a different volunteer.

Anyone?

Come on then, Colin.

Right, sit down, please, Colin.

Now, pay attention, everyone,

because remember,
your body is never silent.

I'm sorry about
that, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

I didn't think
anyone would notice.

Colin, I'm talking
non-verbally here.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas.

Now, what are we
going to do, Mr. Brittas?

[Audience laughing]

We're doing it, Colin.

Doing what?

Tell him, Gavin.

You're matching and
mirroring, Mr. Brittas.

I'm matching and
mirroring, Colin.

Amazing.

What's that then?

[Audience laughing]

It's a technique to put
people at their ease.

Oh.

[Audience laughing]

Do you feel at ease now, Colin?

I expect I will do
shortly, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

[Loud crashing noise]

[Balloon blowing]

That wasn't me, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Nobody said it was, Colin.

Mr. Brittas, I'm so
sorry to disturb you.

Did you hear a noise?

It wasn't Colin, Carole.

[Audience laughing]

No, not that sort
of noise, a crash.

I think it was the roof.

I didn't hear any
crashing sound.

[All] I thought I did.

[Audience laughing]

All right, all right.

Colin, go and
check it out, please.

Righto, Mr. Brittas.

Ah, Carole, perhaps you'd like

to give us a
demonstration, please.

Sorry, Mr. Brittas?

You are on the front line
of our operation, Carole.

Imagine I'm a
member of the public.

Show us how you welcome me.

Welcome to
whitbury-newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

Very good, Carole.

Verbally spot on but your
body is letting you down.

I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Try it again, Carole.

This time, welcome
me with your body.

[Audience laughing]

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Welcome to
whitbury-newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

Right, yeah, yeah.

[Audience laughing]

Very good, Carole.

Right, now, Linda, perhaps
I could use your body

for a while, please.

[Audience laughing]

We want you to
feel at home here.

[Knee slapping]

You see?

We want you to
feel at home here.

[Knee slapping]

Now, what am I doing?

You're stroking Linda's knee.

[Audience laughing]

Wrong, Tim, I'm anchoring.

Hankering after what?

[Audience laughing]

Not hankering, Julie,
anchoring as in ships anchor.

It's another little
technique we learn

on management training
course, don't we, Gavin?

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Are you saying we
should grab people's legs

to make them feel at home?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

You haven't even grasped the
fundamentals, have you, Julie?

No.

Neither have I.

And quite frankly, Mr. Brittas,

I'm not prepared to grasp
anyone's fundamentals.

[Audience laughing]

Oh, Colin, have
you got a minute?

Not really, Mrs. Brittas.

Look, do you know
where Gordon is?

He's in the restroom
giving a fascinating talk

about your body.

[Audience laughing]

I must go.

Oh, Colin, you know
about plants, don't you?

Well, I do have green
fingers, you know.

Do you think you could
look after these for me?

Find somewhere to put them.

My pleasure, Mrs. Brittas.

My, my, that is an
interesting little chap.

It looks very like
somnium somnorum.

Oh, I don't know what it is.

I think I found it
in some market.

If I am right,

it's from the rain
forests of South America.

The bacaku Indians
use it as a sort of sedative

or tranquilliser.

Hmm, perhaps ought
to keep some handy.

[Audience laughing]

I wonder if I might
avail myself of a leaf.

See if it settles my
digestive problems.

There is a rather fanciful
story that the bacaku use it

to induce a sort
of trance-like state.

Oh, really?

[Audience laughing]

Don't worry, Mrs. Brittas,

I'll pop it down
in my office later.

It'll feel at home there.

Ah, Mr. Brittas,
can I have a word?

Yes, Colin, you can have a word

but I'd also like to see you
do things with your body.

My office.

[Audience laughing]

"Another example of, Gavin,
non-verbal communication."

Another example of
crawling to the management.

Who's teacher's pet then?

Tim, you're just being silly.

It's one of the things we learn

on management training courses.

Actually, I find them
quite interesting.

Oh, do you?

A few months ago,
you'd have found it

as ridiculous as I do,
but you've changed.

You're a boss's man now.

It gets on my nerves.

I can give you an official
reprimand for that remark.

Have you got a tissue?

Yes, I have, thanks.

[Audience laughing]

It's not actually Ben's birthday

but we're having
the party today.

You're having a
birthday party in there?

Yes, but please
don't tell anyone.

Mr. Brittas hasn't actually
approved the guest list.

Ben's so looking forward to it.

It's fancy dress.

Oh, lovely.

Any particular theme?

Oh, yes.

It's an ugly bug ball.

I've sewn Ben into a pillowcase.

He's going as a chrysalis.

He's in there pupating
at the moment.

[Audience laughing]

[Audience laughing]

Right, Julie,

the memo to councillor
druggett in septuplicate.

You what?

Seven of them.

Don't you think I've
got better things to do?

Thank you, Julie.

Right, Colin, sit down please.

Thank you, Mr. Brittas.

Now, about the roof-

Colin, let me stop
you right there.

Where are you going wrong?

Sorry, Mr. Brittas?

Colin, look at my body
and look at your body.

[Audience laughing]

Spot the difference, Colin.

My body is saying,
"welcome, relax, feel at ease."

I don't feel very much at
ease looking at your body.

[Audience laughing]

You're absolutely
right, Mr. Brittas.

I'm terribly sorry.

Mirror me, mirror me.

[Audience laughing]

Carry on.

Right, well, I went
up on the roof,

as per your instructions,

and there was this like...

Well, it was sort of I mean...

Well, I don't know how
you'd describe it, it was-

oh, Colin, what
is all this stuff?

[Audience laughing]

That's not body language,
that's body gibberish.

I'll tell you what, Colin,
forget about your body

and concentrate on
the words, all right?

Now, what is on the roof?

Nothing is on the roof.

[Audience laughing]

I'm glad we've
established that, Colin.

Problem solved.

Eh, there's a
crisis in the sauna.

Mrs. Bidmead wants you
down there straight away.

Oh, incapable of dealing
with it herself, is she?

Short on management
skills, you see, Colin.

She says if you
don't come right away,

there'll be one hell of a stink.

But actually, there
is one hell of a stink.

Something's
contaminated the sauna.

Right, I'm on my way.

Nothing is on the roof but
something is in the roof.

What?

Well, sort of rubble and-

those builders have
been nothing but trouble.

And there's this sort
of, well, like an ice cube.

Typical, boozing on the job.

[Audience laughing]

Colin, get rid of it and
tidy the place up, please.

Yes, but-

Colin, I've got a
crisis to deal with,

incapable of dealing
with it yourself?

Certainly not, Mr. Brittas.

Good man, Colin.

[Audience laughing]

In you go.

Now, this is Sophie.

She's a woodlouse.

Now, the first game is
gonna be hide and seek

and it's gonna be lots
of fun, but listen, children,

no one is allowed to
leave the cupboard.

[Audience laughing]

Welcome to
whitbury-newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

[Audience laughing]

Thanks, Carole.

Do you think I could put an
ironing board and a microwave

in the restroom?

Yes, I should think...

What's the matter, Mrs. Brittas?

It's all a bit awkward.

I didn't really mean to
but I've sold the house.

[Audience laughing]

Mr. Brittas didn't
say you were moving.

No, he doesn't know.

I've got a house
full of furniture

and I don't know
where to put it all.

I should have moved it yesterday

before the new owners moved in.

[Audience laughing]

Very awkward over
breakfast this morning.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Brittas,

people have moved in
and Mr. Brittas didn't notice?

No, of course he noticed but
they're American, you see?

Oh.

Yes, he's in the us air force,

so I told Gordon they're
my cousins from Tennessee.

[Audience laughing]

Any room for a
freezer back there?

[Audience laughing]

Hello, my darling.

Oh, hello, Gordon.

As soon as I get a moment,

I'm gonna organise a
sightseeing schedule

for Chuck and Nancy.

There's really no
need to bother.

No bother at all, my darling.

They are your family.

Although, I do hope
Chuck's mood improves.

He was rather
argumentative this morning.

Probably jet lag.

Look, Gordon-

gotta sort out a crisis
in the sauna, my darling.

Back later.

Oh, god, I wish I
hadn't got into this mess.

How did it happen, Mrs. Brittas?

Well it all started
about a month ago

when this leaflet came
through the door saying,

"are you undervalued?"

Well it was just how I felt.

[Audience laughing]

So, I phoned up and this
charming man came round,

and he wanted to bring a
friend, this American colonel.

Well, one thing led to another

and before I knew it,

I'd sold the house
to the us air force.

[Audience laughing]

You know how it is.

No, not really, Mrs. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Oh, come on, it must
happen all the time.

No, not really.

Yes, it is a rather unpleasant
smell, Mrs. Bidmead.

It's disgusting.

Yes, indeed,

but of course it's not
really my responsibility.

Any unpleasant smells
emanating from any other part

of the leisure centre
are down to me.

But the privatised
sauna solarium

and odours therein
are down to you.

Well, I think it's coming
from somewhere else,

maybe upstairs.

But I can't smell
it anywhere else.

And you're bound to
get a little bit of a pong

in a sauna with all
those people sweating.

So, you're telling
me you're not going

to do anything about it?

What can I do, Mrs. Bidmead?

This area is no longer
within my terms of reverence.

You're in overall charge.

You've got to do something.

Look, just to prove
I'm being helpful,

I'll put out a tannoy
announcement.

Saying what?

Saying, "steer
clear of the sauna.

"It stinks to high heaven."

[Audience laughing]

[Ice picking]

[Audience laughing]

Now, Ben I know hide and seek

in a cupboard
has its limitations,

but I specifically said no
one was allowed to leave.

Now, where are
Sophie and Fergus?

Carole?

No more tickets for
the sauna, please.

I'm declaring it a contaminated
zone 'til further notice.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Oh, great.

I'm seeing double now.

No, it's me.

Oh, Tim, sorry.

Everything's so fuzzy.

This is stupid.

You should go home.

It clears up in a
couple of hours.

Anyway, I'm not ill or anything,

it's just ocular hypertension.

Quite common in senior
management apparently.

Well, you shouldn't put the
drops in when you're at work.

I've got to take them
three times a day now.

Which means you
shouldn't be here.

You can't do the job.

Look, Tim, I'm management.

Management don't go home
just 'cause they can't do the job.

[Audience laughing]

Sorry, I'll rephrase that.

No need to, you're quite right.

[Audience laughing]

The point is, Tim,

it would be silly to make
a fuss and go home now.

I've only gotta take the
drops for another week.

I've got a job to do
and I'm going to do it.

In a couple of hours, everything
will look perfectly normal,

and nobody will
be any the wiser.

Sorry, Gavin.

No one will be any
the wiser about what?

Oh, nothing, it's...

It's Colin, isn't it?

Yeah, of course it is.

Is anything the matter?

No, no, nothing at all.

There's a funny smell in here.

It's probably me.

[Audience laughing]

I'm dealing with
this thing on the roof.

What, what thing?

Well, that's just it.

I've got no idea what it is.

It's crashed through the
roof and lodged itself up there.

Well, what is it?

Where did it come from?

I don't know, but it must
have come with such force.

Have you ever seen a meteorite?

Are you saying it's
a meteorite, Colin?

No, no, they're very hot.

This is very, very cold.

And yet, it must
have come from...

Well, I don't know.

[Gavin scoffs]

From outer space?

What does brittas say?

Mr. Brittas has
put me in charge.

I am quite capable of
dealing with it myself, Gavin.

But I wouldn't mind
a second opinion.

[Audience laughing]

Would you mind just coming
and having a look at it with me?

Can't it wait?

I'd prefer to go now, Gavin.

Yes, well you see-

only, if it is actually
from outer space,

it might not be such a
good idea smashing it up

and putting it in the bin.

[Audience laughing]

Well, all right then.

But look, it's nothing
from the planet zarg

or anything like
that, all right.

You've been watching too
many science-fiction films.

Anything the matter, Gavin?

No, no, nothing.

I've got a job to do
and I'm going to do it.

[Audience laughing]

Mr. Brittas, what
I'm trying to say is

that I'm worried
about Gavin because-

hang on a moment, Tim.

Right, carry on.

[Audience laughing]

Thank you, Mr. Brittas.

Well, I think you
should put it to Gavin

that although he has
management responsibilities,

that doesn't necessarily mean
that he should always keep...

What are you doing?

I can see you're obviously
worried about something,

Timothy, so I'm putting
you at your ease.

Well, strangely,
it's not working.

In fact, it's having
the opposite effect.

No, no, it's not, Tim.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

I've done the course.

[Audience laughing]

You can't get to
the roof that way.

Oh, sorry, Colin.

I don't know what got into me.

You don't seem to be
quite yourself today, Gavin.

Who else would I be?

[Audience laughing]

Look.

What?

Two strange creatures,
gone down there.

[Audience laughing]

I didn't see anything.

But you must have.

They looked like, well, aliens.

[Audience laughing]

Colin?

Now, please stay in there.

[Party horns blowing]

All right, Fergus.

O'Grady says,
"please stay in there."

Which way did they go, Carole?

Who go where, Colin?

Not who, what.

Two things, you
must've seen them.

No, I haven't seen anything.

I don't want to alarm you

but they were vile,
horrible creatures.

I know this might sound odd

but I don't think
they were human.

Really, that's nice.

[Audience laughing]

No, no, Carole, something
very strange is going on.

[Audience laughing]

Welcome to
whitbury-newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

The sauna is a
contaminated zone.

[Audience laughing]

[Audience laughing]

Hello, Julie.

Do you think you could
look after this for me?

They won't let me
leave it in the pool.

Yeah, if you'd like.

[Audience laughing]

You see, Tim.

These are all
communication skills.

But you haven't let me
say what I came to say.

Oh, you were saying it
all with your body, Tim.

Try not to worry so much.

Anchoring.

I don't know why I
bothered to come up here.

You see, it's working.

[Audience laughing]

Hello, Helen,
darling, little darling.

If it's about Chuck and
Nancy sightseeing schedule,

I've hit a bit of a hiatus.

I've got stuck on Wednesday
afternoon at 3:17 pm.

There's really no
need to worry, Gordon.

Oh, that's a nice lamp, Julie.

Where'd you get it?

I bought it.

From a shop.

A lamp shop.

[Audience laughing]

Anyway, happy
to be getting home.

Still got the bathroom to do.

Bye bye, my angel.

Very houseproud, my wife, Julie.

We've got a lamp like that.

[Audience laughing]

Only ours is bigger.

[Audience laughing]

Colin?

Colin?

Gavin?

Colin, Colin?

[Audience laughing]

I'm sorry about
that, are you all right?

This is ridiculous, go home.

I can't, I have to put
my responsibilities

to the general public before
my own personal convenience.

You sound exactly like brittas.

This has all happened since
you've been management.

You've changed, you're
completely different.

[Audience laughing]

What's happened
to the old Gavin,

the Gavin that I knew?

[Audience laughing]

I'm sure Mr. Brittas
knows what he's doing.

He had to close the pool once

when we had rats
and weil's disease.

But after six months,
everything was fine.

Six months?

[High pitched screeching]

What's that?

Oh, that'll be Ben's
party downstairs.

[High pitched screeching]

It's coming up through
the air conditioning.

[Roof rattling]

Oh my god, it's alive.

[High pitched wailing]

Who are you?

Where'd you come from?

What do you want with us?

[High pitched wailing]

[Audience laughing]

You've taken over
Gavin, haven't you?

[Audience laughing]

Heaven help us.

It's the 'invasion of the body
snatchers' all over again.

[Audience laughing]

Well, Gavin featherly,
this is a very sad day.

I've had a formal complaint
about your behaviour

in the swimming pool.

I'm therefore going to
institute the proper procedures

which may well lead
to an official reprimand

and a permanent
stain on your record.

Whatever possessed you
to manhandle this lady?

I was trying to make her
feel at home, Mr. Brittas.

I was anchoring.

Oh, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.

What a stupid anchor.

[Audience laughing]

It could so easily be
misinterpreted as sexual harassment

and attempted drowning.

I'm gonna be generous on
this occasion and put it down

as mental instability.

[Audience laughing]

I'm sending you home
pending an inquiry.

Don't look into his
eyes, Mr. Brittas.

[Audience laughing]

Get back to your own kind.

Mr. Brittas, he's
a body snatcher.

[Audience laughing]

Yes, I know, Colin,
I'm dealing with it.

Gavin, off you go, please.

Yes, Mr. Brittas.

Mr. Brittas, it's
very, very bad news.

Gavin's one of them.

No, he's not, Colin.

He's just been accused
of molesting one

of our female customers.

[Audience laughing]

You don't
understand, Mr. Brittas,

I have to protect you from him.

Colin, don't be silly.

If Gavin's one of
them then quite frankly

so are you and So am I.

[Audience laughing]

The problem is the
eyedrops blur my vision.

It's okay now, but I've gotta
keep taking them, you see?

I'm part of a
research programme.

Coffee, jelly,
sausage on a stick?

Oh, thank you, Carole.

Did you tell Gordon?

No.

No, well you can't tell
Gordon anything, can you?

[Audience laughing]

What's the research for?

Well, it's to reduce
ocular hypertension.

We're a small
group at the moment

but if the experiment works,
well, it's a simple procedure.

It could be applied
anywhere in the world.

[Audience laughing]

Come away from
him, Mrs. Brittas.

He's not what you think he is.

He's after your body.

[Audience laughing]

Get out of here.

Get out you vile creature.

Well, all right,
Colin, calm down.

I hardly touched the woman.

Calm down, Colin.

Take great care, Mrs. Brittas.

They're trying to take you over.

Trying?

No, they already have done.

Eight o'clock this morning they
demanded vacant possession.

[Audience laughing]

Oh, no.

Well, what could I do?

I just had to give in.

[Party horns blowing]

No, Fergus, stay in there.

Not you as well, Carole.

Oh my word, this is a nightmare.

They're everywhere, aren't they?

Oh, I'm sorry, Colin,
I've done my best.

But I've tried to keep
them under control,

but you know how it is.

Colin, are you all right?

[Audience laughing]

You don't look your normal self.

Oh, no.

Not me as well.

[Audience laughing]

You what?

Mr. Brittas come quick.

Colin's gone berserk.

He's chained himself
up in the changing room.

He's ranting and raving.

Linda, there are proper
guidelines laid down

for this eventuality.

Responsibility for the
outbreak of mental instability,

amongst members of the
staff is now being devolved

to the deputy management,

I suggest you go and see Gavin.

You've just sent Gavin
home, mental instability.

[Audience laughing]

Right, I'm gonna
go and investigate.

[Audience laughing]

Has suicide been mentioned?

Not as far as I know.

Do you want me to suggest it?

Linda, I'm gonna
deal with this, all right?

If he's ranting and raving...

Hang on, there may be some
bed linen in my bedside table.

[Audience laughing]

What's my bedside...

What's our furniture doing here?

[Audience laughing]

Just trying to carry out
your policy, Mr. Brittas.

Mrs. Brittas's idea.

We do want people to
feel at home, don't we?

My darling, you are an angel.

[Audience laughing]

Must dash, Colin's
gone mad apparently.

[Audience laughing]

[Mr. Brittas sighing]

Now then, master Colin,

what are you doing
hanging about in here?

I've changed, Mr. Brittas.

I think I've been taken over.

I might be possessed.

Shall I exorcise
him, Mr. Brittas.

Linda, this is no
time for exercise.

[Audience laughing]

No, exorcise.

I could purge him of his demons.

Linda, I thought I told
you to leave this to me.

Yes, sorry.

Mr. Brittas wanted to know
if you'd like to kill yourself.

[Audience laughing]

Linda, off you go now, please.

Right, Colin.

Try and relax.

[Audience laughing]

Now, what is this all about?

It is you, is it, Mr. Brittas?

Well of course it's me.

Yes, yes, I can see that now.

You're behaving quite normally.

[Audience laughing]

Putting me at my
ease, aren't you?

Matching and mirroring.

I feel better already.

Maybe they haven't got me yet.

Who hasn't got you?

The alien frogspawn in the roof.

[Audience laughing]

You are suffering from
what is clinically known

as raving madness.

[Audience laughing]

No, Mr. Brittas, that thing
that came through the roof,

it's from out of space.

It's alive.

It spoke to me.

I thought you said
the builders left it.

No, it's giving birth to
nasty, little creatures

who are taking over our bodies.

It's got Gavin and
Carole already,

and your good wife, I'm afraid.

I know it may sound
a bit farfetched.

Not at all, Colin.

Can you hear the talking now?

Can you hear voices?

No, Mr. Brittas.

Can you?

[Audience laughing]

Of course I can't
hear voices, Colin.

I'm not the one
who's barking mad.

[Audience laughing]

I'm as sane as I
ever was, Mr. Brittas.

Very possibly, Colin.

But that doesn't get
us very far, does it?

Why have you
chained yourself up?

Because I could have been
a danger to the human race,

Mr. Brittas.

I thought I'd been
taken over by them.

The body snatchers.

[Audience laughing]

You see, you look just the same.

Well, I could have been me

or some grotesque,
horrible creature.

There's no telling
the difference.

[Audience laughing]

Hmm, I can see the problem.

[Audience laughing]

When you think about it,
Mr. Brittas, it all makes sense.

You see, those aliens could
have chosen to land anywhere

in the world, but
they came here.

Why?

Well, I dunno, you tell me.

Because of you, Mr. Brittas.

Our leader.

A man of vision with
advanced communication skills.

It's destiny.

You have to negotiate with
them on behalf of the human race.

[Audience laughing]

Cometh the hour.

Cometh the man.

[Audience laughing]

Colin, I'm beginning to see
what you're getting at, Colin.

You may have a point.

Just come and look at it.

See what you think.

All right, Colin,

but I'm still taking
this with a pinch of salt.

Come on.

Uh, Mr. Brittas.

Where's the key?

I swallowed it.

[Audience laughing]

I never thought I'd be
glad I had a gippy tummy.

[Audience laughing]

I don't want to
talk about it, Colin.

Good grief, looks like a
bomb's dropped in here.

Not a bomb, Mr. Brittas, that.

It's got a lot smaller
since it's been giving birth.

There's gotta be some
sort of rational explanation

for this, Colin.

[High pitched screeching]

It's talking to
you, Mr. Brittas.

I knew it would.

It didn't sound much
like talking to me.

I expect it's trying
to establish contact.

Please, Mr. Brittas, if
anyone can get through to it,

you can.

Please try.

Use your powers
of communication.

Colin, look at it.

You seriously propose I
should try matching and mirroring

with that?

It's laughable.

[Audience laughing]

[High pitched screeching]

It understands you, Mr. Brittas.

I knew it would.

I don't know if you've
come from another planet

or if you can understand me,

but if you have, and if you can,

I'd like you to know

that you have effected
an unauthorised entry

into this leisure centre.

[Audience laughing]

Which is in clear breach
of the council bylaws,

incurring automatic
membership suspension.

[Audience laughing]

Also, you're gonna have
to pay for this damage.

[Audience laughing]

Going to have to do
something about it now.

Smell's spreading.

Someone's just passed
out on the squash court.

[Phone ringing]

Oh, welcome to
whitbury-newtown leisure centre,

how can I help you?

[Audience laughing]

Yes, just a minute.

Mrs. Brittas?

Telephone.

Oh.

[Audience laughing]

It's the American people.

Oh, right, hello?

Try lulling it into a
false sense of security.

It's not a very pleasant
smell, Colin, whatever it is.

It's probably fear, Mr. Brittas.

That's how it affects me.

[Audience laughing]

Try putting it at its ease.

My name is Gordon brittas.

I am the manager, or
as it were, the leader

of the leisure centre.

[Audience laughing]

Welcome.

[Audience laughing]

We want to make
you feel at home here.

We want to make
you feel at home here.

Colin, I don't think there's
an awful lot of point in this.

Quick, Mr. Brittas,
it's trying to escape.

After it.

[Audience laughing]

[Vents crashing]

This way.

Yes, thank you, goodbye.

That was the American air force.

We've got the house back.

All the furniture can go.

Oh, that's a shame.

I was just getting used
to having neighbours.

[Audience laughing]

Chuck's being transferred

to avoid some sort
of diplomatic incident.

They don't mess about,

he's already on
his way to Beirut.

[Audience laughing]

[Vents crashing]

It's heading for the basement.

He was flying one of
those big troop carriers

when he made a mistake.

What sort of mistake?

[Mr. Brittas] This way, Colin.

Mr. Brittas, about the smell-

not now, saving the planet.

[Audience laughing]

Well, apparently he
pressed the wrong button

and ejected the entire
contents of the toilet tank.

He dropped a huge block of ice.

Half a tonne of frozen urine
somewhere over southern england.

It's on its way, Mr. Brittas.

I can feel it coming.

If I can just get this undone,

we shall be able to trap it
here and seal off the basement.

Let me help, Colin.

It's all right,
Mr. Brittas, I've got it.

[Urine gushing]

[Audience laughing]

Mr. Brittas.

[Plant speaking alien language]

[Audience laughing]

[Audience applauding]

[Light military band music]