The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 6, Episode 1 - Back with a Bang - full transcript

[Lively music]

No, no, I think the
banner should say,

"greetings from all at
whitbury newtown leisure centre

and welcome back,
mr brittas from the dead,

after your terrible accident."

[Audience laughs]

It's a bit long, Colin.

I don't mind.

If it's for mr
brittas, I don't care

if it takes me a
week to paint it.

He's coming back tomorrow.



[Audience laughs]

Point taken, Linda.

Tomorrow eh, oh happy day.

I preferred it when he was dead.

[Audience laughs]

Brittas is getting
fan letters now,

the reincarnation society
want him to give a talk,

and a spiritualist
wants him to write

a guide book to the other side.

[Audience laughs]

First things, first;
Tomorrow's buffet, Tim?

Well, he's been in
hospital in Switzerland,

so I thought we'd do Indian.

He won't have had any Indian.



Penny, what do you think?

Well, Indian seems
like a good idea:

Samosas, poppadoms-

no, no, let's not
have anything flat.

When that huge water
tank fell on mr brittas,

he looked like a chapatti.

[Audience laughs]

Oh, please Colin.

No look, so when I last saw him,

you could have slid
him under that door.

[Audience laughs]

Well, perhaps he'll come back

delivered in a cardboard
box, like a pizza.

Oh, he's been rebuilt,
he's not flat anymore.

He could be all
plastic and metal now,

entirely devoid of feeling.

No change there, then.

[Audience laughs]

I wonder what it's
like, being dead?

I think I'll do a thesis on it.

I mean, when I go
to theological college,

I'll be the only one
who knows someone

who's actually been dead;
He can tell me all about it.

Oh, hang on a minute,
before we get too carried away,

I had a letter from
the hospital in Zurich.

He doesn't know that he was
dead, and nobody must tell him.

Look, it, it, it says here.

[Julie throwing up]

Oh Julie, I'm sorry,
was it me saying

that mr brittas
looked like a chapatti?

Er, no it was something I ate.

Oh, those rissoles
in the canteen?

No, a biro and two rubbers.

[Audience laughs]

A biro?

Well, I'm pregnant, aren't I?

I get cravings
for strange things.

Ooh, listen you come with me,

I've got a little
something for you.

Ooh.

I'll tell you what,
it's better out than in.

[Julie throwing up]

Penny, was there anything
you wanted to raise?

Yes-

what about the rest
of us raising things?

You always turn to penny;

Linda and me have been
here longer than penny!

All right then Tim, what
was it you wanted to raise?

Well, nothing as it happens.

[Audience laughs]

Oh, very nice.

If brittas doesn't
know he's been dead,

where does he think he's been?

And what about that
job in Brussels he got?

Er, he's not going
to Brussels, Linda;

he failed the medical.

Failed the medical?

What was wrong with him?

He was dead!

[Audience laughs]

And so the sad
Princess, Princess Carole,

went to a faraway
land to meet her prince.

When she got there, the prince
had married another Princess

and she got very sad, and
she wept great big tears.

[Baby crying]

No, no, don't cry, darling,

mummy's just a
bit sad, that's all.

It'll be a happy ending.

Morning, Carole.

Welcome to whitbury
newtown leisure centre,

how may I help you?

Mr brittas isn't
back till tomorrow,

mr brittas!

[Brittas makes a nasal sound]

Always one jump ahead, Carole.

It's you, but you're not
meant to be back 'til tomorrow.

I'd of been back sooner,

but I couldn't get through
the metal detector at Zurich.

[Audience laughs]

You look, you look
just like you always look.

Thank you, Carole and you.

I thought you'd be flatter,
but you're all filled out.

And you, Carole,
nicely filled out;

come and have a word with
me about pregnancy leave.

I'm not pregnant.

[Audience laughs]

Carole, I thought you'd left.

Oh, I thought you
were going to Austria

to be a governess to
herr Von trapp's family,

with every chance
of wedding bells?

Don't speak
about it, mr brittas.

Herr Von trapp wouldn't
have married one of the nuns.

[Audience laughs]

I try to keep a brave face
in front of the children,

but if you would try not to
mention Austria or anything,

I'd be very grateful.

I understand, Carole.

Oh Carole, put the
chimes away will you?

I wasn't pleased to
hear the sound of music.

[Audience laughs]

[Carole crying]

So, tomorrow he
walks up the red carpet,

towards the centre,
sees the banner,

"welcome home,
mr b," we all jump out

from behind the bushes
and shout, "surprise!"

I don't think so, Gavin.

[Audience laughs]

Mr brittas!

[Brittas makes a nasal whine]

We weren't expecting
you 'til tomorrow, mr brittas.

-Gavin.
-[Gavin yelps]

-Timothy.
-[Tim yelps]

Ah, life in the old dog yet,
don't know me own strength,

-Linda!
-[Linda shrieks]

He's bionic!

And who may this be?

Um, I won't shake
hands, they're um, sticky.

Nothing fungal, I hope.

This is mrs bidmead.

Penny bidmead.

She's in charge of
the sauna solarium.

Er yes, the sauna solarium,

hived off with a
view to privatisation

and mrs bidmead
appointed in my absence.

Well, let's hope for
the best shall we?

Excuse me.

Right, I'm under strict
instructions to relax,

and follow a hands-off strategy.

So Gavin, you're in charge
and I'm purely an observer.

Oh, right mr brittas.

Oh dear, somebody hasn't torn

the page off the desk calendar.

[Paper crunching]

[Audience laughs]

Where's the bin, bin, bin,
bin, bin, bin, bin, bin, bin?

Gavin, you're running
a sloppy ship, sir.

Doh, well Julie was
being sick in it, mr brittas.

There's a procedure
for vomiting, Gavin,

look it up please.

[Audience laughs]

Right, I'm gonna sit
here and do nothing.

Sorry I'm late, everybody,
Julie's been sick

in three different areas.

There was a lot of blu
tack in there, elastic bands...

Mr brittas!

Colin weatherby!

Oh, let me give you a
kiss and a hug, mr brittas.

No thank you, Colin.

[Audience laughs]

Let me shake your hand,
put it there, put it there!

Where's that glove been, Colin?

Just tickling the
back of Julie's throat.

[Audience laughs]

Oh, let me look at
you, oh you're tanned,

you're beautiful.

[Audience laughs]

You look well, mr brittas.

It's fitness Gavin, and
strengthened stamina.

They had me running
up and down the alps.

Where's your spot?

I'm sorry, mr brittas, the
day you left, it dropped off.

[Audience laughs]

I've got it in a jar,
have I to fetch it?

Not right now, Colin.

And to think, that dreadful
water tank fell on you,

and you were all flat and
the doctor pronounced you...

[Colin yelps]

Linda erm, I think it's time

for your presentation,
the model.

Don't mention he was dead.

Oh, right.

Mr brittas, when the ambulance
man took one look at you,

and said, he'd never
seen anyone so...

-Unwell.
-[Audience laughs]

I decided to make something
beautiful in your memory.

So, here it is: A scale model

of whitbury newtown
leisure centre.

Oh, thank you Colin.

[Staff applauding]

Thank you.

Here you are, mr brittas,

standing outside, waiting
to welcome in the public.

Why am I holding
up a green flag?

He's out of my
train set, mr brittas.

[Audience laughs]

He doesn't look very like me.

Oh I dunno, he's
waving his arms about,

blowing his whistle,
nobody's taking any notice

and he's entirely
made out of plastic.

[Audience laughs]

[Brittas makes a nasal sound]

[Bell rings]

Welcome to whitbury
newtown leisure-

oh, it's me, Carole.

Mrs brittas.

What are you doing
here, I thought...

Oh no, that Von trapp bloke's
thrown you out, hasn't he?

I told you never to trust

Austrian men with
little moustaches.

You are so right, mrs brittas.

Pull yourself together, Carole,

look I've got to be
back at the clinic

before the pills wear off.

I thought they always kept you

in a straight
jacket, mrs brittas?

Only for the first month.

I'm in group therapy now,

or at least I would
be if they could find

any other women whose
husbands came back from the dead.

[Audience laughs]

So are you having
a sauna or a swim?

I'm having a crisis, Carole.

Yes.

I'm a normal, healthy woman

and there's this doctor
at the clinic, you know,

blond blue eyes, muscles,
all of my favourite things.

Favourite things. [She weeps]

[Audience laughs]

Listen, okay listen
Carole, please.

Anyway, this doctor's
wife sent Gordon a letter,

telling him all about me and my

inclinations towards a husband.

I've got to destroy that letter
before Gordon gets back.

But he's back!

What? When?

10 minutes ago.

He might not have read it yet.

Any men in white coats
come in, you haven't seen me.

Yes, mrs brittas, what?

[Audience laughs]

Now, what we have
here is a euro whistle,

for each of you, still
in the public sector,

which I initially
intend to phase in,

alongside our standard
issue, council whistles.

You'll all have two whistles?

[Whistles blowing
at different pitches]

That is for the infringement
of a euro regulation.

[Audience laughs]

But, we don't know any
euro regulations, mr brittas.

No, Gavin you will,
they're on their way.

-By post?
-By juggernaut.

[Audience laughs]

Just learn to blow the whistle

for the time being, all right.

Erm, yes mr brittas.

Argh, I'm three minutes
late for my pool inspection,

-let's go!
-Ah, mr brittas,

you said you were
going to be hands off.

Quite right, Gavin,
hands off it is,

you're in charge, I'll just
take a back seat, all right.

[Model crunching]

What's that noise?

You've sat on the
leisure centre, mr brittas.

Well, who put it there?

You've wrecked it!

It's strange you know,
I've got very little feeling

in some parts of my body.

Maybe they've given
you a bionic bottom?

[Audience laughs]

I think they would
have said, mrs bidmead.

I just lack
sensitivity, that's all.

Yes indeed, mr brittas.

[Audience laughs]

Ah, while you're at
the swimming pool,

make sure you check
between people's toes, please.

Ah, it's good to be back.

[Audience laughs]

Mr brittas has got quite
nice eyes, hasn't he.

Gavin thinks you've got quite
nice eyes, don't you Gavin!

I wanna have a word with
you t... excuse me, penny.

Your bookings, mrs bidmead.

[Book clattering on the desk]

-Thank you.
-[Audience laughs]

Oh, mrs hinks for the
sauna, mrs ray for the sunbed.

Well, mrs ray could certainly
do with a drop of golden sun.

Drop of golden sun. [She weeps]

[Audience laughs]

What did I say?

Well, she's new, she needs
a bit of friendly concern.

I'll show you friendly
concern's one thing,

coming over all
butch is another.

I didn't see it's any
of your business.

Of course it's my business;

you find her
attractive, don't you?

Well, everyone does!

You do!

Look, you don't own
me, you're not my mother.

If you don't like it,
you can shove off.

Right.

[Gavin splashing in the water]

Julie, drei cafe, por favour.

Now, what can I do
for you, mrs bidmead?

Or now the sauna solarium
is semi-independent,

perhaps I should say,
what can I semi-do for you?

I only came in to tell you
about Carole, and the fact-

I know what you're
gonna say, mrs bidmead,

she keeps her children

in the drawers and
cupboards of reception,

it's not something I'm proud of.

No, it's not that, mr brittas,

it's the fact that
she's horribly upset,

every time something reminds
her of that nasty experience

with herr Von trapp.

[He inhales breath] Like any
good manager, mrs bidmead,

I was aware of the situation.

We at whitbury have a
special saying: Cowpat.

-Cowpat?
-It's a management tool.

A cowpat is?

Consider what practical
action to take, cowpat.

Now, the practical action
to take in this situation

is to let everyone know.

Watch this.

[Phone buttons clicking]

[Brittas sniffs and coughs]

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

[Brittas] Carole?

Yes, mr brittas.

What I want you to do, Carole,

is put your fingers in your
ears and don't take them out

until I tell you to, all right?

Yes, mr brittas.

Part two: Now this is
a staff announcement.

Would all members of
staff, please take note

that Carole our receptionist
is likely to burst into tears

every time someone mentions
her seduction and abandonment.

Carole?

[Brittas] Certain
matters that I will now...

Carole, give us some cigarettes.

I don't smoke, mrs brittas.

Oh, what about the
confiscation box?

Oh yes, yes.

[Brittas] Sad music, the
Von trapps, eidelweiss,

whiskers on kittens...

No. [She weeps]

[Audience laughs]

There you are, mrs
bidmead, cowpat in action.

Now, let's talk
about you, let's bond.

First of all, you
bond then I'll bond,

then we'll bond together.

[Audience laughs]

[Door slamming]

[Mrs brittas blowing]

[Smoke alarm beeping]

Smoke alarm.

Yeah, it's that one,
and I can smell smoke.

Attention staff and public.

Um, perhaps it was only
a cigarette, mr brittas?

Better safe than
sorry, mrs bidmead.

Evacuate uh-the building,

I repeat, evacuate
uh-the building.

[Car door slamming]

He's back, and he's
having a fire drill!

[Audience laughs]

[Engine revving]

[Mrs brittas mumbling]

[People chattering
outside the door]

Better safe than sorry,
and I like a good fire drill.

Well that's just the start.

Next it'll be flood drill,
whooping cough alert,

invasion by penguins,
and he sat on your model!

He probably had a
very good reason, Julie.

Mr brittas knows
what he's doing.

He didn't seem to
notice I was pregnant.

[Audience laughs]

Are you looking for something?

Coke.

Cola or Pepsi.

The hard stuff.

Drugs?

No, you know anthracite.

Oh, you mean smokeless fuel?

There you are.

Ah, oh mm, oh yeah.

I would just keep
yearning for it.

I love to see a girl
with a healthy appetite.

He's a lucky man,
that fiance of yours,

all that money and you too.

I chucked 'im.

Why did, he didn't
insult you did he?

Because if he did, by god, I'll-

he insulted me, all right.

He wanted me to
learn to speak proper.

Elocution lessons, me?

I elocute very nicely, don't I?

You speak beautifully,
Julie, I've always thought that.

I watch your lips,
I love your lips,

they're so dark and mysterious.

[Audience laughs]

My milkman's chucked me
too, she cut me out of her round.

Well we're two little
waifs together, then,

except I'm pregnant.

Julie, I've always admired you,

the way you've
always helped mr brittas

and his great leisure crusade,
and I was wondering if,

now that my spot's dropped
off, you would consider me?

What as?

Marry me, Julie.

Why?

Well you need a
father for your child,

and I don't mind
that it's not mine.

You know those plant pots,
where the seed's already sown?

I live with those very happily.

[Audience laughs]

I may not be much Julie,
but I've got a good heart.

That's very nice of you, Colin.

I can just see us now
in the evenings together;

you bathing the baby
in front of the fire,

me playing my swanee whistle.

[Audience laughs]

It makes sense, Julie,

and I'm not just on the
rebound from the milkman.

Then, I'll think about it.

Well, that's fair enough.

But before you say, "yes,"

I think there's something
you ought to know about me.

What?

Well you remember
when I lost my memory?

When mr brittas was
packing to go to Brussels,

before he died?

Well, when I got me memory
back, I remembered what I'd done.

A terrible thing; I'd put a bomb

in mr brittas's croquet set,

luggage in advance.

A bomb?

It was silly of me, I know,
and very irresponsible.

Oh, well it can't of gone
off, it'd been in the papers.

What you have
to consider is Julie,

could you marry a
man who would try

to assassinate mr brittas?

[Audience laughs]

It helps.

They don't know much
about leisure, the Swiss,

but I soon got them organised;

seven-a-side football, orthopaedic
surgeons against plastic.

Er, fascinating Gordon,

but I didn't just
come here to say,

"welcome back on
behalf of the council."

The fact is, what
with your being away,

we've had a couple of problems.

Problems?

You say problems
counsellor, I say cowpat.

[Audience laughs]

We had a little collection
around the offices

for a memorial for
you, for your accident.

People were amazingly
generous, we raised 512 pounds.

But of course, now
you're with us again,

and the fact is people
want their money back.

A memorial to my accident,
that is unusual, Jack.

Very nice of people.

Yeah, the thing is the
money, it's in cash most of it,

in an envelope and it
should be in your post.

[Brittas clicks his fingers]

Julie, are you there?

Where's the post, please.

[Julie] I'm busy!

[Julie throwing up]

[Audience laughs]

And then there's the
business with the insurance.

Insurance, what insurance?

The life insurance,
they paid out.

They paid out?

They paid your
wife, 88,000 pounds.

But of course, with
the circumstances

being what they are
now, they want it back,

and unfortunately
your wife spent it all,

just before they
came to take her away.

[Audience laughs]

She spent 88,000 pounds?

You see that car down there?

What, next to the rolls?

No, the rolls.

[Audience laughs]

That was 50,000 of it,
the rest went on a horse.

She bought a horse?

No, Gordon, she backed it.

[Audience laughs]

Why did they pay out
on my life insurance?

Exactly, must have
been a computer error.

[Brittas makes a nasal whine]

They thought I was dead!

Well, I'm sorry that
car's gotta go back.

Wait a minute, Jack.

That car wasn't there,
when I came in this morning;

my wife is on the premises.

'Ere's yer coffee.

Oh, by the way the clinic
phoned, your wife's got loose,

without her clothes.

[Audience laughs]

I'll just deal with
this, counsellor.

[Brittas clears his throat]

Attention, all staff and public,

there's nothing to be
alarmed about, nothing at all.

However, if you see a
naked lady, staring eyes,

hair all over the place, carrying
the keys to a rolls Royce,

please inform this
office immediately

and be gentle with
her, for this is the lady

that I've worshipped for
many years, thank you.

-Mrs brittas.
-Yes?

Oh, hello mrs brittas, I
was just talking about you,

to myself, what are you
doing in my cupboard?

I must've fallen asleep in
there, when Gordon wake me up.

Did you hear him?

He's worshipped
me for many years.

He told everyone,

then it's true.

And all that time he
was being reconstructed,

I've been trying to make
myself cheap with some doctor.

[Audience laughs]

Thank god I
destroyed that letter.

I'll let him know
you're here, shall I?

No, not just like this,

I've got some stuff
in the back of my car.

I want to look my
best, I want to...

How does he look, Colin?

Oh, he's fine.

You know, he's got
three dimensions again,

he said he's never
had so much stamina.

And strong, he's
got a grip like a vice.

Of course, physically we
were always very good together.

[Audience laughs]

His lederhosen, of course
were very appealing,

though they were
terribly difficult to iron.

I've got some lederhosen,

Gavin says I look good in
leather, or he used to say.

[Audience laughs]

You're not very happy
are you either, Tim?

I'm angry, it's penny.

Oh, maybe he finds her
attractive as a mother figure?

She's no mother figure,
you're a mother figure.

Am I, oh thank you.

[Audience laughs]

If ever I was after a mother
figure, I'd come to you.

Well, if ever you want to
cuddle, I'm always very willing.

Are you?

Yes, anytime.

Why has it all gone quiet?

Oh, the children are listening.

Come along darlings,
get on with your games.

I've got two tickets for
the English national opera

next week, would
you like to come?

Yes.

As soon as the post has
been located, I will sort it out.

And as soon as my wife
has been located, ditto.

Goodbye, counsellor.

[Counsellor winces]

[Audience laughs]

Not supposed to
be in blue area, Tim?

[Hands tapping on the desk]

Oh, there's nobody playing
badminton, they all went home.

I've said many times before Tim,

the public are
neither here nor there;

it's the running of
the centre that counts.

Back to blue area, please
and if there's no one playing,

you can always
play with yourself.

[Audience laughs]

And keep an eye open
for my wife, please.

Oh, mr brittas, the
rest of your luggage

just arrived from Brussels.

Nah, look that Carole;
Brussels efficiency for you;

seven items, all
beautifully labelled,

and microed, they said.

Get Gavin to load it into the
car for me, please will you?

Yes, mr brittas.

[Clock ticking]

Mr brittas?

[Pencil sharpener clicking]

Nevermind eating pencils,
Julie, any word of my wife?

No.

What about the post?

Don't ask me.

Julie look for it, search
around, search under things,

search on top of things,
search, search, search.

Oh, this arrived second
post from the clinic.

Private, personal, woman's
handwriting, not mrs brittas's.

Thank you, Julie. [He coughs]

[Audience laughs]

Hello, Gordon.

You've not been taking
your pills, my darling.

[Audience laughs]

Do you really
worship me, Gordon?

Your doctor's not gonna be

too pleased about
this, my darling.

Do you think you could
worship me right now?

And you'll have
missed lunch as well.

[Audience laughs]

Pretend I'm your lunch, Gordon!

My darling, we are
paying for those lunches,

and you've been spending
money; That car's gotta go back.

By the way your hair's
going in the shredder.

Oh, close the door, Gordon.

My darling, that door
always stays open,

it's a rule of management,
you know that.

[Door slamming]

Gordon, you don't
know what it's been like.

My darling, there's a time
and place for everything,

you're in an unstable condition!

You're gonna shock yourself,
I'm not a complete man!

What?

What have they taken away?

They forgot to give
me a belly button.

[Audience laughs]

But everything else is there?

I've mended the
model, mr brittas.

Oh, am I interrupting?

[Audience laughs]

Not at all, Colin,

mrs brittas was just
about to iron my shirt.

[Audience laughs]

Just leave the damn
model and go, Colin.

What's happening?

Oh. [She mumbles]

[Audience laughs]

Julie, get mrs brittas
an ambulance, will you?

In fact, second thoughts
make that group 4.

[Audience laughs]

Right, my darling, a
lot has happened to you

over the last two months.

Nothing has happened to
me over the last two months.

I know, my darling, just
take it easy, there, there.

Gordon, I've heard all about
your strength and stamina-

and my darling,
you're not yourself.

[Audience laughs]

Just take it easy, you've
gotta go away and get better.

I'll give that rolls Royce back.

As for the other 38,000
pounds, we'll just have to

put a little bit by
each week, all right.

We will get through this
one together, my darling.

Now Gordon, now!

Not now, my darling,
it'll be sometime soon,

but not now; Make
an appointment.

An appointment?

I'm gonna make an
appointment with my doctor.

That's right, my darling,
put yourself in his hands

and in no time at all, you'll
be normal, just like me.

[Audience laughs]

Normal?

You're normal?

Uh, I must be hearing
things, you're not normal at all!

Two months ago, you were dead.

Dead?

Dead, don't you
remember, certified dead?

I've got a death
certificate, I framed it.

[Audience laughs]

I was dead?

I bought new
shoes for the funeral.

[Audience laughs]

And a hat, I'd just thrown
the earth on your coffin,

and you started knocking.

[Audience laughs]

I knew it was you,
it was your knock.

[Audience laughs]

But I couldn't have been dead,

my bowel was moved every day,

it said so at the
end of the bed.

They can do
anything with statistics,

of course you were dead.

Why do you think they
paid out the life insurance?

I don't feel well, Helen.

[Model smashing]

[Audience laughs]

You had surgeons
from all over the world,

clamouring to put
you together again.

It's all coming back, Helen.

I know what heaven is;

it's a great big leisure
centre in the sky.

[Audience laughs]

I'm feeling very strange, Helen.

Oh no, oh no don't do it
again, Gordon, don't die again.

I told the children once, daddy
had gone on a long holiday,

they're not gonna
believe me a second time.

There, there.

[Gordon glugging]

There, that's better.

Mr brittas, we've put
everything in your car

but the croquet set wouldn't...

Oh, isn't he well?

You never tell me
I was dead, Linda.

Oh, you know!

[Audience laughs]

What was it like, mr brittas?

The other side, I mean was there

a great white light or a tunnel?

Did you bump into
anyone you knew?

Was Hitler there,
was red rum there?

[Audience laughs]

The details are coming back.

That coffin was very
cramped, most uncomfortable.

I suspect it didn't conform
to European standards.

[Audience laughs]

So what you're
saying basically is,

you don't want to marry
me because I'm too old,

and poor and ugly?

Well, yeah.

Well, fair enough.

I am old and poor,

and I wish my beauty
spot hadn't dropped off.

Do you think it would
stick back on again?

[Audience laughs]

Penny, I've got two tickets

to the English
national opera at home,

I just wondered if
you'd be interested?

-Take Tim.
-What?

Well, you and Tim are an item.

Well, Tim shoved me in the pool.

Well he must mean something.

[Audience laughs]

Was there a feeling of flying?

Were you conscious
of having wings?

Oh Linda, do shut up,
shouldn't you be in red area?

Yes, mrs brittas.

Erm, Carole, I'm just gonna
take Gordon home in his car,

could you ask someone to
bring my car home for me?

It's the rolls, and tell
Gavin he's in charge.

-Yes, mrs brittas.
-I'm in charge, Helen.

No, you're not.

You came back a day early,
and now you're paying the price.

You're going straight
to bed, and So am I.

[Audience laughs]

Er Carole?

Oh, Tim!

I know exactly what I'm
gonna wear for the opera;

I have a long black
skirt and a red top,

and a stole that I'm gonna
wrap round and round

and black shoes, that
almost match my handbag.

You want to take
Gavin, don't you?

I'm terribly sorry, Carole.

It's just that I got
myself into a bit of a trap.

-Trap?
-[Audience laughs]

Trapp!

[Phone ringing]

-Hello, mr brittas.
-Hello?

I've just heard that
mr brittas's luggage

has come back from Brussels,

and they've put it in the
boot of the car you're in.

Yes, and to cut
a long story short,

there's a bomb
in the croquet set.

[Audience laughs]

A what?

I'm sorry about
this inconvenience,

but I really feel you ought
to take some avoiding action.

[Engine roaring]

Darling?

[Brittas mumbling]

There's a bomb in the back.

[Audience laughs]

Not now, Helen.

[Brakes screeching]

[Water splashing]

[Audience laughs]

So we're home, what now?

No we're not, we're in a lake.

Helen, I've told you before,

I don't approve
of your shortcuts.

[Audience laughs]

[Phone ringing]

[Water trickling]

Brittas.

What is it, Colin?

No, the croquet
set is not in the car.

Yes, I'm sure, it
wouldn't fit in the boot.

Colin, I'm in a lake, why
would I want a croquet set?

[Audience laughs]

I've got nothing to
bang the hoops in with,

and the balls would float away.

[Audience laughs]

[Mrs brittas groaning]

Oh darling, you've been hurt.

Not you, Colin!

Precisely why I
keep a handkerchief

in my right hand pocket at all
times, let me dab that wound.

What's this?

Oh.

Oh, it's the letter from
that clinic of yours.

Oh, Gordon.

Totally unreadable now, anyway.

[Audience laughs]

I do love you, Gordon.

Quite right.

[Audience laughs]

[Tim and Gavin groaning]

Can I hear it ticking?

Ah-huh, that's what
they always used to say

about rolls Royce's, isn't it.

All you hear is the
ticking of the clock.

[Audience laughs]

[He groans] There we go.

Oh, that closes so...

Oh what a lovely thing.

Beautiful.

My aunt used to have
one of those, you know.

Did she?

Yes, used to take
me back to school in it.

[Rolls Royce explodes]

[Audience laughs]

[Debris crashes onto the ground]

[Lively music]