The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 5, Episode 9 - In the Beginning... - full transcript

Let's stop now, Derek.

We'll have to chance it.
But it's the whole estate!

Thank you. Thank
you! Sorry. Fans.

Got everything? Er, the dog's in the
kennels, and I cancelled the interview.

He didn't mind? Melvyn bragg? No.
Well, he is pretty ga-ga these days.

You should drive an electric.

This is bad for my image.
So? What about my image?

Gavin: Fine. Thank you(!)

Tim: If you don't
want a lift, then get out!

I'm very sorry! No, please!

Not even one encore? I
told you, Alberto - not tonight!



But the audience!
What do I tell them?

It's new year's Eve -
there's a place I must be!

No autographs! Jack -
Kennedy airport, and step on it!

Sorry about that. I had the bishop on the
phone. We're in a state over the abdication!

Oh, that! Have a
beer! Thank you.

Are we on time?
He hates lateness.

Car computer says four
and a half hours. Cheers!

American accent: Ok, mom?

Are you gonna tell me? What?

You fly 2,000 miles, get me to
drive another 600, and it's a party!

I'm very grateful, Barney.

What is this? Who
are these people?

Just friends. People
I used to work with.

You used to work?
Like, you had a job?



I helped manage
a leisure centre!

Ha! You're kidding!

In fact, I was
rather good at it.

You've come from Chicago to spend
an evening with people you worked with?

There's a bit more to it
than that. It's a long story.

We've still 200 miles to
go. It's not a secret, is it?

No, there's nothing secret
about it! Go on, mom.

Well, I suppose it all
began 30 years ago.

Mr brittas wouldn't
let anyone go home.

We can't go home?! No, Linda.
The police have warned people not to.

Why did we come in? Tim!
Supposing we'd had a customer!

I've got a fancy dress!

We have people coming to dinner! We all had
plans. Carole wants to go home to her baby.

Yes, mr brittas.
Absolutely right.

But, like us, she has to put it on
the back burner and sleep here!

No way! I spent £15 on my
costume. I'm going home!

Sorry, Julie. I cannot
let my staff go out in this!

Is it that bad? Bad enough for a lorry to crash
into the badminton hall! Thank you, Laura.

The lines are all still down.

Right! How's the lorry driver? I asked
him to stay, but he preferred the snow.

If he can make it, I can.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

No! There's a blizzard out there,
and a wind-chill factor of minus 30.

Only a lunatic would go
out in conditions like that.

Hello, Gordon?
Can you let me in?

What were you doing, darling? My pills -
you said you'd get them from the chemist.

Don't say you
forgot! Oh, Gordon!

Ha, ha! Oh, give them to me!

Of course, I didn't
forget, but next time...

What about the weather? Closing
in. I came because I've only three left.

-We're stuck here?
-What'll we do?

We're going to seize this opportunity
that fate has thrown our way!

What opportunity is
that? Think, Laura, think!

We're starting work together. This is
our big chance to bond together as a team!

You want us to bond, mr brittas?

Colin! Just for once we have time
to have seminars and do role plays,

to work out which direction we're going towards -
or maybe just sit around and have a good old chat!

Oh god! Try one of these, Julie.

Trust me! This is
going to be fu-UN!

No more coal?!

It's a big place!

The coal lorry came on Christmas Eve! But you told
him if he was late, he needn't turn up at all!

Right. How long will it last?
What? The coal we have now.

Colin! How long
will the coal last?

Well...

Machine bangs and hisses

at least we still have power!

Bad news there as well, Laura.
It's a brand new generator, Colin!

The spare generator's fine, but
it's gone flat out for two days, and...

We've got no petrol.
Exactly. Right. Come on.

..No heat, limited electricity, and
the weather will be bad for days.

How do you know? He's
been on the roof, signalling.

I have made contact with a boy scout in
sycamore road, who also knows morse...

-And according to a report on blue Peter - well done!
-The weather won't improve for several days.

Consequently, I'm declaring a
shift from code green to code purple.

Remind us, mr brittas
which is code purple?

A potentially life-threatening situation,
which enables me to commandeer resources.

Now, this is all
the food we have.

Let's use the canteen! It's sealed
by the police until after the inquests.

But if there's food there... Gavin,
you wouldn't want to touch it.

Nothing else anyone would like to
tell us about? No secret supplies...

..People may have
hidden away somewhere...?

Tim! No!

Tim, people might get angry if they find out
later someone's been holding something back.

Just cos I had the sense to go shopping
yesterday... Put it on the table, please, Tim.

Not fair. Tim!

Thank you. Anything
else? It's just booze.

Make him share,
Gordon. On the table.

Right. I shall be
cataloguing these resources,

and working out a fair rationing
system. All right? In the meantime,

I'll lock it away with
three padlocks. Three?!

Yes, one for me, and one each for
my deputies. In case one goes mad.

However, as I see it, the main danger we face
is not lack of food, but a weakening of morale.

So I've laid on extra activities, starting
with a spelling contest... Groaning

..and another level to
the badminton tournament.

Sorry, but have you
heard the helicopters?

What? Helicopters - listen!

Whirring they've come to
drop supplies! We're saved!

Right! Follow me!

How will they get them to us? What? The supplies!
We'll never find them in the snow! Well...

We can't leave the building! The
authorities can cope with this, Linda.

They'll be able to deliver food.

Loud crashing

right - nothing simpler(!)

You won't believe this!
I was in the corridor...

Bring it in, Colin. Yes, mr brittas.
We've had a helicopter drop.

Stand back! There's
enough for all!

Is that it? Cattle
cake and pig nuts?

What do they think
they're doing?! Is that all?

No - we've got ointment
for fungal infection in hooves!

And a note - "next drop Saturday.
Chin up to all at sunny hill farm."

There's more, mr brittas. What?
Ten bales of hay and a box of candles.

A big help - just
what we need(!)

Groaning get the candles, Colin.

I've made a new system based on weight
and calorific needs. It's very simple.

Names at the sides,
foods at the bottom.

For example, Linda's breakfast
is two carrots, a sardine

and an after
eight. Psst. Carole?

Why don't I get a sardine? Carole, some people
are more valuable to the group than others.

Any more questions? Can we eat,
Gordon? All in good time, darling.

Everyone should have
a nutritional intake...

For god's sake, we're starving to
death here! All right, form a queue!

This way - alphabetical order!

Mr brittas! Colin, you're with
me. Yes, mr brittas, I know, but...

Let's not discuss it. We all want to
have our breakfast. Yes, mr brittas.

Right. I shall go first...

Now you, Laura.

Colin. Mr brittas...

Do it, Colin. I can't. Colin,
don't tell me you've lost your key.

No, not "lost".
Where is it, then?

It's in my coat pocket,
in the gents' cloakroom.

Well, get it! I can't!

In here? Yes, mr brittas, but...

When the helicopter dropped the bags, one must
have come through the roof and broken a water pipe.

Your key's in
there? On the left.

Can't we get the food?
Not until it melts, Tim.

We're all gonna starve, and then
freeze - and then we're gonna die!

No-one will die. There's a
very simple answer to all this.

Colin will drill around the
padlock and the door will open.

Breakfast rations
will be issued.

Smashing glass what
was that? I heard glass!

Something's broken, mr brittas.

Not the Brandy - please,
please! Let it not be the Brandy...

Helen, all right. Careful,
careful. Let me see.

Screaming get a
fire extinguisher!

You've set fire to it,
you stupid, stupid man!

There, mr brittas!
Well done, Gavin.

All right, everyone. Panic over!

So's breakfast!

Food? No.

Right. Power? I'm working
on it, but at the moment - none.

Right, and no
let-up in the weather.

So - no heat, no
light, no food...

So it's important we have a good
sing-song tonight! Not another one?

Last time, Laura, people
just didn't know the words.

I've had Carole write
out these song sheets.

I'm h-a-p-p-y, down
on jollity farm...

I see, mr brittas. You're picking
the bright ones. How very clever!

If they won't sing, they can be a band.
Colin on harmonica, Tim on bean bag shaker...

No beans. What? No beans!
That was yesterday's soup

ok, use gravel. A sing-song
isn't going to save us!

We must do something. Must we? We can't abandon them.
You saw morale. I walk in and a fight breaks out.

Loud thuds good
grief, what's that?

What are you doing?
That's centre property!

It's wood! For a fire!
That's Julie's door!

What if she has work
to do? Don't be a prat!

We need heat or we'll die.

We can do it without ruining
the leisure centre. Move, Gordon.

No! I won't let
you ruin my centre.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I said no!

It's the cupboard...
Or we freeze.

They're personal things.
Just the door, then.

It's just documents!
They'll burn!

No, please! No, not the
drawer, just the bits round it.

I've got it. Look!

We're meant to share
food. I haven't any food.

There's juice
here. It's not mine.

She's got more in the
drawer. No, I haven't!

Leave her alone! The
men always crack first.

What's happening?
She's been hoarding food.

There'll be more. That's
no excuse for brawling!

Yes, it is. This is chocolate
dessert. She's got ten jars of it.

See what else she's got.
I can explain. You see.

Is it something else we can
eat? Only as a last resort.

Julie: What a new year's
Eve! Tim: It's not, is it?!

Carole: I'd lost
track of the days.

Gavin: The start of a new decade,
we're here, in a cellar, eating baby food.

Ģ I'm rather enjoying it. What!?

Normally, I'm with Gordon's family. But
it's nice being with people I like. Is it?

It's like being at boarding school.
All chaps together, having fun.

"Fun" is not how I'd
describe the last few days.

I agree with her. You may
have plans for the holiday,

but Ben's father and I are
having a bad time just now.

It's rather a relief to be here.

You've been so nice about
the baby. It's like having a family.

I can't see the good of being starved and frozen to death
by a man who gets us up at 5.30 for community singing.

Julie! I don't mean to be rude,
mrs brittas, it's just... He's awful!

That's not fair. You
don't have to defend him.

I don't defend him, and I'm
his wife. He works very hard.

Whatever's happened these last few
days, we can... Learn from him. What?

Learn from brittas?
What have you learnt?

All right. Tolerance. He's
not very tolerant, is he?

I mean, he's made me more
tolerant. Everything used to annoy me -

traffic, rudeness, the post office.
Now, they don't. They don't matter.

You see, it's making
you a better person.

It's like police horses,
isn't it? Sorry, Colin?

Police horses. They wave flags in their faces, stick
forks in their backsides and let off fireworks.

So when it's the big parade,
they can take anything. That's it.

I'd rather be somewhere with clean clothes
and a drink - it's not quite party time.

Stop there! That, I
may be able to provide.

As you may know, I have
been boiling cattle cake.

We're not gonna eat it!

And from this corn mash base,
using waste heat from the boiler,

and with this simple copper
tubing, I have produced some fuel.

You've made a still! When put in our
emergency generator... give me that.

Of course. With a few
adjustments to the carburettor,

this is alcohol! 120%
proof, mrs brittas.

Can we use it as fuel?
It needs more additives.

That's not bad! Mrs brittas, I don't
think you should be drinking that!

We only have a very
small amount. How much?

Eight pints, but I'm
hoping... Eight pints?

She's right. It's ok!

I think if we add blackcurrant
juice... now try that, Laura.

I meant that spirit to provide heat
and light. I think it does both quite well.

At least leave me enough to
power the emergency exit signs.

Ah!

Look what I found!
Where was that?

I suddenly realised. There's masses of wood, out
there... In the lorry. A table, tea chests...

What lorry?

The one that crashed. It's got the
set and costumes for an inspector calls.

-Clean clothes?
-Yeah.

Tables and chairs? Probably
got China and cutlery.

Yeah, there's whole
crates of it. Why, what is it?

Well, that's made a difference.

It looks quite
jolly. Much warmer.

More stuff for
the boiler, please.

Coming up - one
Mary and the visitation

I make that the last
of the pictures, Linda.

It's only a prop! "On loan
from the national gallery".

Oh.

Typical! What? The men leaving
the women to do all the work.

Sorry I can't help, mrs
brittas. How's it going?

No problems. With all the resources here, what could
be easier than to make a simple radio receiver? Good.

Who's here? There's one
too many places. Mr brittas.

Yes. Where is he? On the roof.
Gavin and Tim have gone for him.

What's he doing? Signalling
for help. I hope he's ok.

He's only got his jacket on. He
gave that to me. I was a bit cold earlier.

Mr brittas!

Don't straighten him
till he's thawed out.

We should warm him with
our bodies. A last resort, Linda.

He was still signalling. He'd
tied himself to the guttering!

Come on, Gordon.

Now. Drink this. What is it?

There's no time for a debate!

It's like a cartoon - Sylvester's frozen
and the glow goes up from his feet.

What's happening? Where are we? In
the boiler room. I'm about to serve supper.

You found food? It's not much of a meal. Egg
and rice, spring lamb and pureed spinach.

We'll finish up with stewed apple and rusk
surprise. So, if you'd like to take your seats.

Come on, Gordon.

There we are.

Who's for a little egg
and rice? Before we start...

Could I say something,
please? Only if it's very short.

I'd like to say, it'll be
all right. What will?

I spoke to the lad in sycamore road. He
says newsround reported a warm front.

Snow's clearing in wales - it'll be
gone tomorrow. Then you can go home.

Home?

And... I'd also
like to apologise.

The last few days haven't been easy, and I, as your
leader, to an extent, take the responsibility for that.

It's all right. What?

We didn't mind... Really. Some
of us have rather enjoyed it.

Some of us haven't. But we
didn't mind, either. Not that much.

I'm proud. I'll admit I thought
morale was beginning to crack.

But how wrong I was.

This is a good time to share with you
an idea that I think you'll find exciting.

I haven't told anyone
this before, but...

I... have a dream.

A dream that one day...

Hold it, everybody. I
think I've got it. Yes!

Bells chime

happy new year, everybody!

Happy new year!

♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot

♪ and never brought to mind

♪ should auld acquaintance... ♪

you know, I think we
should do this every year.

♪ ..For auld lang syne, my dear

♪ for auld lang syne... ♪

So you've met every
year since then?

Every new year's
Eve for 30 years. Wow!

It's funny - mr brittas always
wanted us to bond as a team.

And we did. It was
the only way to survive.

Colin!

You got pretty close? Yes.

That's not why we meet.
It's to say thank you.

Thank you?! Look
at them, Barney.

Three millionaires, a pianist, an
archdeacon and a government minister.

Not what normally happens to
staff at a leisure centre! I guess not.

But ours was no normal centre.
We walked through fire together...

Literally, on some occasions.

And it changed us.

Thanks. See you
tomorrow. Ok, mom.

General murmur
drowns conversation

I liked the new book. Thank you.

One for the TV? Not a
cookery book - a novel.

About a useless sports centre
manager whose staff detest him. It's funny.

People ask how I got the idea!
Oh, it brings back memories!

These herbal remedies are making money.
Can't complain. We go public next year.

You always liked the country.

I saw this valley... I thought, "at
last, I can live at one with nature".

So you took up shooting? I found I
really enjoyed it. You killed these?

Every one. I'm glad you're interested.
Let me tell you how I got this one.

Sebastion coe is the best pm
we've had since John Major. I see.

Still, we might
lose this election.

Forty years of Tory rule, people may
want a change. How are the children?

Very well. The twins are at
Cambridge with Laura's Barney. Good.

Ben's in the Navy - in military
submarines. Marvellous.

How he can bear those
enclosed spaces, goodness knows!

Ladies and gentlemen,
sir Gordon and lady brittas.

Sorry we're late, everyone.

Good to see you, mr brittas. Colin!
Trouble on the motorway, I'm afraid.

He had to stop and report a man with a faulty fog-light.
Let me get you a drink, mrs brittas. Thank you.

My word, we've put on a bit
of weight, haven't we, Carol?

Too much time at the
piano. Possibly, mr brittas.

Thank you, Tim. And thanks
for sending me your book.

Not my cup of tea, but
someone may buy it, eh?

Sorry, Linda. Mind yourself there.
How are you these days? Fine, mr brittas.

Sorry to hear about you and
Edward splitting up. He died. Did he?

Now you can find
someone your own age, eh?

A UN peace envoy, and
he still has the knack, eh?

Don't worry. As long as he's happy. Why
do you put up with him? He'll never change!

We wouldn't have him any other way. That's
why we invite him. If you'd take your seats.

Come on. Oops-a-Daisy.
How many have you had?

Now, did you take my advice
about having your tubes tied?

Tut-tut-tut-tut!

He clinks a glass

before I ask Linda to say grace,

perhaps Laura would be kind
enough to honour us with our toast.

To friendship. To tolerance. And to
the man who made us what we are.

Mr brittas. Mr brittas.

Mr brittas mr brittas.

Mr brittas. Mr brittas.