The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Last Day - full transcript
It's Mr Brittas' last day, but anything could happen!
Julie, is this all
the mail? 'Yes.'
there wasn't
anything else? 'No.'
any phone calls?
'I told you. Nothing!'
right, just a cup of coffee,
please. 'I'm busy.' Thank you!
How's it going,
Linda? All right!
Laura has the blotting
paper. Oh, good!
And I did this!
Ah! I've watched how you look after
the desk. You show a lot of promise.
Thank you!
-Thought of management training?
-Me?
When Laura goes I'll
need two deputy managers.
Mr featherly!
Not "mr featherly" till 12.00.
Right you are... Gavin.
-Excuse me! The public can't enter.
-It's me.
-What?
-It's me. Carole.
Goodness, it is!
Don't take offence. Let me give
you some tips on being a receptionist.
At this desk, you represent the leisure
centre. "Excuse me" isn't very welcoming.
"Whitbury leisure centre, how can I
help you?" Puts people at ease. Yes, yes.
And perhaps a smile?
Carole, hi! You're
not in Austria?
I'm seeing off mr brittas
first. We all want to do that!
How's life on the desk? I
enjoy it. Pretty easy, really.
Ha! To do it properly is demanding.
You haven't got three kids as well!
Come on. Don't miss
the rehearsal. Phone rings
hello? ..Right... Ok.
Ģ some telephone etiquette: "Whitbury
leisure centre, how can I help you?"
As they'll expect me,
add: "Linda speaking."
Blotting paper in leisure
centre green. Thanks.
-Where's mr brittas?
-Not here yet.
-Who'll tell us what to do?
-You just present the bouquet.
After my speech? Speech? Mr brittas
asked me to make one. Is that ok?
Yes. Yes, that's fine...
Where do we start? We
can't, really, without Tim.
Where is he, Colin? On an
errand for mr brittas, I believe.
Right. We do need him.
He's in charge of blotters.
I thought you were
cleaning the loos.
Broken the back of it, Gavin.
I took ten minutes out to help
mrs delgado with the sandwiches.
Out of interest, which sandwiches
did you make? The two plates here.
I sneaked in my
home-made chutney.
Put a flag on them. Not
everyone likes chutney.
Good idea.
Now, what about these two?
I think they have
chutney, as well.
Flags, too.
Right, so flags on
these and these,
but not these, these or these.
It could be flags
on all of them, Colin.
Knock at door come in!
Sorry to disturb you. I wondered
if you knew where Tim was. Tim?
I have to tell
him where to blot.
I sent him up to the
roof, Gavin. The roof?
To fill the emergency
back-up tank. Do we have one?
I had it put in for my
safety review before leaving.
If the mains water supply and the sprinkler header
tank fail in a fire the firemen can't attend,
we can still fight the Blaze.
Oh, I see.
This belongs to you.
Ah. It was addressed to
the manager, so I opened it.
Sorry. I...
You haven't got far!
Second post, darling?
You must go by 12.00. Yes...
Poor Gavin wants to
move in. I don't mind...
He just wants you to go!
No, really, I... I have
to go and find Tim.
Would they mind if the
children came? Children?
They'd enjoy it. You can take them
on the lawn to meet the press. Right.
What time do you want them, about
five to? Yes, I should know by then.
Know what?
Darling, canyoutellcolin
I'dlike a word?
Anythingwrong?
No, no, ofcoursenot. Gordon!
There's a slight complication.
Let's get one thing clear, Gordon.
You're not getting out of this.
We're going to Brussels
on the 26th.
The only excuse for cancelling
isifyou die. Understood?
Two platesofvegetarian
meatballs, laura. Red flags?
Did you roll thembyhand?
Yes. If you use...
Red flags!
What's in the box, Colin? Agoodbye
present I've made for mr brittas.
Oh, it's a...
A teasmaid.
An englishman abroad likes a
cup of tea in his office. It's portable.
Press this and the
battery Springs into action.
You used our usual
engravers. What?
"If you're feeling lonely
and need cheering up,
"just pour the milk, and
pee in your cup." What?
I'd better change that.
Laura, could I
have a word? Sure.
Have you spoken to Gordon
today? No. Anything wrong?
I'm not sure. Watch him. Check he
signs at 12.00. Won't you be here?
I'm getting the car. It'll wait!
Not really. The
children are in it.
Don't worry. It's
in the high street.
Or maybe behind the post
office. Or the multi-storey...
Linda: Mr brittas, I
can't. Ihavetostayhere...
No, I... Give me the phone.
Hello, mr brittas.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes, it's me.
Of course I'll
deal with it. Bye.
He wants you to get the
mail from the post office.
But... Another word
on receptioning.
If a manager asks you to
do something, say yes. Ok?
Yes. Thanks(!)
I'm sorry, Laura. Forgive me. Just
a few things I must pick up for Ben.
Can I come? Sorry? To
see what it's like in there.
Yes, of course. Follow me.
Gosh, it's quite
large, isn't it?
When you've blotted them,
you pass his paper to me.
And mine to him to re-sign.
Then you're manager?
-Yup. I'm in charge.
-So when do you mention me?
Becoming deputy manager?
Well, we must wait
a few weeks. Why?
We must advertise the
post, arrange interviews...
Interviews? I'm getting the job.
You are. But it
must be done fairly!
Then I won't get it!
Look, Tim, the best person will
get the job, and I'm telling you now,
I think you are.
Knock at door come in.
Mr brittas, I have
something for you. What is it?
A gesture of appreciation for so often
rallying to my aid in the last five years. Oh?
Your friendship means a lot to
me. Colin... I'll miss you deeply.
But wherever you may
go, I want you to know...
Whatever this is, it's steaming.
Sorry, mr brittas. I must
have left it switched on.
Still, by coincidence I do have a
couple of tea bags on my person.
Someone's used
a screwdriver here.
Yes, that was... oooogh!
You're very kind, but I've got more
important things to think about now.
Yes, mr brittas.
Now, can you make a public address system so I can
talk to all parts of the centre from here at 12.00?
Right.
Sorry, but at 12.00 won't you be
downstairs at the signing ceremony?
I shall, Colin, if the
ceremony takes place.
You mean it might not?
I can't say much now.
Oh, mr brittas! Colin, not
a word of this to anyone.
You can count on me.
This is wonderful news!
'Oh, thank you!'
wait till I tell everybody!
This place brings back memories.
I suppose it would! Ben and
the children grew up here.
I can't believe we're
saying goodbye to it all. No.
Blue bunny.
Carole, why's this place so big?
With three children,
you need space!
No, no. I meant... it's
a cupboard. Of course.
That's what it was, until
we knocked it through.
Knocked it through? Yes. There was
a wall here, but dead space behind.
It was such a waste! So mr
Brewster, of the swimming class,
came in one evening and
took the bricks away. Bricks?
Well, sort of concrety block
things, really. From along here?
Yes. He put up that wood.
It's hardboard. Yes. Of course,
I did all the decorating myself.
Does mr brittas
know about it? No!
He'd want architects and
planning permission. Honestly -
it's perfectly safe. It's been
like that for over a year.
Yes. It's made
such a difference!
Do you know,
I sometimes think this
place saved my life.
So often, when everything else
was collapsing around me like rubble,
in here, I always
knew I was safe.
Good.
Laura! Laura!
In here, Julie!
What? He's staying.
What? Brittas isn't going.
It's Berlin. Do something!
Right. Carole, I'm going
upstairs. Don't be long.
I'm just coming!
Hgh...
(Come on, Carole, you don't
want to be stuck here for ever!)
Creak
I thought you
wanted to go. I do!
What's stopping you?
The Germans. The who?
This is the agreement signed by all
the countries of the European Union
to fund the
commission for sport.
They each pay 0.45%
of their gross contribution
to the fiscal redeployment fund,
net of non-agricultural
enterprises, of course.
Of course.
Now, three days ago, the Germans
unilaterally decided to make it 0.44%.
Does that matter? It
matters a great deal.
Doesn't sound
much. It's £20,000.
But what matters
is the principle. Ah.
They signed a contract
and went back on it. Yes.
I told them, "agree by
midday, or I won't go!"
That leaves four minutes.
Here we are. Thank you, Colin.
Isn't it marvellous news,
Laura? Marvellous(!)
I put the speaker in the roof space
so Tim can listen. I thought I'd...
Just plug it in. We don't
have much time. Right.
Can't you do something? What?
I'll ring the council. We can raise
£20,000 door to door by teatime.
It's not the money.
Councillor druggett? ..Well, tell
him to come out. This is important.
What's this? It's a water tank.
..Take the phone in! He must have
one hand free! Where is this tank?
I was that close!
I was that close to signing!
I knew it would happen. What?
I had this dream last night.
You know, when you're
in the water in the dark.
No. You know!
You're up to your neck
in water, and can't see.
You feel trapped.
There's no way out.
Suddenly, a lid
lifts off the sky.
There's light. You
smell pine trees.
You think, "I'll be saved!" Yes?
And you realise
you're in the toilet.
Looking up, you see a great big,
hairy hand reaching for the flush.
You mean, you've never had that?
No.
The psychiatrist said
it was very common.
Bell chimes midday
here we go.
'Staff of whitbury newtown leisure
centre. This is your manager.'
I am speaking to you from my office on the
first floor, on a matter of grave importance.
'As you know, I was recently
appointed commissioner for sport
'representing her britannic
majesty in the European Union.
'You may not know that for days I have
been in dispute with the German delegation,
'concerning the extent
of their contribution,
'and it was to this end that I delivered
yesterday an ultimatum to the Germans,
'that if I had no official
assurance by 12.00 noon today,
'a spirit of friendly co-operation
would no longer exist between us,
'making me unable to
accept my new position.
'I have to tell you now that no
such assurance was received,
'and therefore I am standing
down as commissioner for sport.'
Hello?
Hel...
Can anyone help me?
'This is...' Hello, mr brittas. Sorry,
it's very embarrassing, but I'm stuck...
'Please speak
after the tone.' Beep
mr brittas. Sorry
to bother you...
'..Our centre will end its twinning
with the spielenplatz, Bremerhaven.'
creak
Gavin? Gavin!
Colin! Oh, Laura, I'm so happy!
What? He's staying.
It's what I've prayed for.
We must find Gavin! He
isn't management material...
If we don't find Gavin and
stop him filling that tank, it'll...
Huge crash
ģ are you all right?
Get down, Tim! Gavin,
organise some buckets!
Colin, first aid box at the end.
Leave him, Julie. Over here.
I'll leave it to you, Laura. The
main thing is to tell mr brittas!
Despite this, I believe that if
we continue to steer our little ship
by the course we
have always held that...
We shall come through the
storm to the harbour of peace,
in the lagoon of plenty,
by the waters of fruitfulness.
Thank god you're here!
We've had another disaster!
'Colin, I'm making an announcement.
Sorry. Let go of my sleeve!
'Quick. It's the header
tank on the second floor!
'We don't have a header tank
on the second floor. We do now!'
wh... what is this
tank doing here?
Ģ It fell through,
mr brittas. Right.
Who did it? Tanks
don't just "fall".
What are you doing,
Tim? Trying to empty it.
Ģ in here?! To get the
weight down. Laura said...
She's intelligent. She'd never tell
you to ruin an orinoco pine floor!
We must. The floor's
not important! Not to you.
This floor cost money.
I won't have buckets...
Creak and crash
right. Everyone downstairs
now. With a bucket.
Let's clear reception. What?
If it goes through another
floor, it'll land there. Right...
..Emily's ballet class is at 3.00,
so it's a busy day. I need help.
I'm sorry to bother you, but as I
explained... That's it. Thank you. Bye.
Did I say it was Carole?
The time's 12.04. Thank you.
Right.
Electric motor won't start
Motor still won't start
creak
rubble falls on floor above
Oh, dear.
Motor won't start
come on!
Carole! Ah, mr brittas.
I left you a message.
Get out! I'm stuck! I
said so on the message...
Drive! Start the
engine! It won't!
Turn the key!
I'm trying! Give it some choke! It
hasn't got any choke, mr brittas!
That was a close one!
I'm so sorry, mr brittas.
Mr brittas?
Are you ok? Yes.
Where's brittas? What?
He'll tell us what to do! He was
here. In fact, he saved my life!
What? I was stuck here,
under where the tank fell.
He leapt forward, pushed
me away, and then...
He wasn't wearing the blue
tie with the thick red stripes?
If he was...
Oh, no...
Gavin! You and Tim lift
the tank, I'll pull him out!
Colin... don't worry, mr brittas,
we'll soon have you out! Come on.
Come on.
Tim, will you take
him into the rest room?
Julie, will you call the
emergency services?
I was stuck.
The car wouldn't
move. I couldn't get out...
God, I'm dead on my feet!
Have I missed the excitement again?
Don't tell me - a pool in reception.
Helen, something
awful's happened.
I know, but it's
all right! What?
He said he won't go to
Brussels, but I met Linda...
Here's the letter. The
Germans will pay up!
It was special delivery,
but we got hold of it.
-Mrs brittas grabbed it and we ran!
-So he's going to Belgium. It's ok!
-Why are you in Ben's car, Carole?
-Oh, mrs brittas...
We had an accident.
I can see that!
The tank fell. Mr brittas was...
You mean, he's under there?
How could he
be? He wouldn't fit.
Helen, I'm so sorry...
It's all my fault. I was stuck in
the car and I couldn't get out...
The ambulance is on its way.
Come on.
Oh... I...
I'd better go and explain...
Horn toots
celestial music
Excuse me.
Oh. Nearly finished.
Shan't keep you a moment.
115 separate acts of
manslaughter. Oh, dear, dear!
The cause of four suicides,
and 23 driven clinically insane.
Oh! That's it.
Right, what have we
got on the other side?
Nothing. Nothing?
There's a lot of
good intentions.
We don't give
points for those...
Bell rings
oh, hang on... Something's
just come through.
Oooh!
You don't see many
of those nowadays!
What is it? It means he
sacrificed his life for someone else.
Gordon...
Welcome to paradise!
Helen asked me to speak on
behalf of the staff about mr brittas.
"I'd like it to be
you", she said,
"because I always thought that
you liked him." And she's right. I did.
There was a great deal
to admire in mr brittas.
He was honest, hardworking,
and anyone who knew him knows
how much he cared about his centre,
and those of us
who worked there.
There were also,
as with all of us,
times when he got it wrong.
A lot of times.
Sometimes very wrong.
Unlike most, he never stumbled along
wondering where to go, or what it was for.
He knew,
because he had a dream.
If any proof was needed of
what it means to have a dream,
it was surely given in the
last few seconds of his life -
in a moment of choice,
which luckily few of us face,
when what we do
says what we are.
And what mr brittas did was
to give up his life for a friend.
Pigeons coo
I'm not sure if
there's a heaven,
but I am sure that if there is
one, that's where we'll find him.
One part of me can't help wondering
what they'll make of him up there.
Believe me, Peter.2,000yearsis not too
oldtoplayseven-a-side. I'll put you down for Thursday.
We'll goover therules,
and... Where are we going?
Don't worry, all
will be revealed.
Are we going out? Foramoment.
I think you'll find
it'sthebiggold one, Pete. What?
Here, let me do it.
Please, don'tdo that!
I told you, idothekey.
Nobodyelsetouches it.
I do the key and
the gate. Allright?
What...?
Wh... what's going on?
I'm afraid you're leaving us.
But you said I'd be here for...
An eternity. Yes, I know I said so.
We've had special
orders to send you back.
Oh, you mean like carousel?
What? I spend a day
with my friends and family?
This is longer than a day,
Gordon. We had in mind thirty... fifty!
Fifty years. Fifty years?!
Look on it as a chance to finish
your work. To fulfil your dream.
Oh, right!
Well, you'd better hurry.
There isn't very much time.
Pete! Mike! I organised a quiz
night for Tuesday. Don't forget!
Don't worry, Gordon.
It'll all be taken care of.
Forasmuch as it hath pleased
almighty god of his mercy
to take unto himself
the soul of dear Gordon,
here departed,
we therefore commit
his body to the ground;
earth to earth, ashes
to ashes, dust to dust.
In sure and certain...
Knocking from coffin
..in sure and certain
hope of the resurrection
to eternal life... Knock
..that it may be like
unto his glorious body,
knocking
hello?
the mail? 'Yes.'
there wasn't
anything else? 'No.'
any phone calls?
'I told you. Nothing!'
right, just a cup of coffee,
please. 'I'm busy.' Thank you!
How's it going,
Linda? All right!
Laura has the blotting
paper. Oh, good!
And I did this!
Ah! I've watched how you look after
the desk. You show a lot of promise.
Thank you!
-Thought of management training?
-Me?
When Laura goes I'll
need two deputy managers.
Mr featherly!
Not "mr featherly" till 12.00.
Right you are... Gavin.
-Excuse me! The public can't enter.
-It's me.
-What?
-It's me. Carole.
Goodness, it is!
Don't take offence. Let me give
you some tips on being a receptionist.
At this desk, you represent the leisure
centre. "Excuse me" isn't very welcoming.
"Whitbury leisure centre, how can I
help you?" Puts people at ease. Yes, yes.
And perhaps a smile?
Carole, hi! You're
not in Austria?
I'm seeing off mr brittas
first. We all want to do that!
How's life on the desk? I
enjoy it. Pretty easy, really.
Ha! To do it properly is demanding.
You haven't got three kids as well!
Come on. Don't miss
the rehearsal. Phone rings
hello? ..Right... Ok.
Ģ some telephone etiquette: "Whitbury
leisure centre, how can I help you?"
As they'll expect me,
add: "Linda speaking."
Blotting paper in leisure
centre green. Thanks.
-Where's mr brittas?
-Not here yet.
-Who'll tell us what to do?
-You just present the bouquet.
After my speech? Speech? Mr brittas
asked me to make one. Is that ok?
Yes. Yes, that's fine...
Where do we start? We
can't, really, without Tim.
Where is he, Colin? On an
errand for mr brittas, I believe.
Right. We do need him.
He's in charge of blotters.
I thought you were
cleaning the loos.
Broken the back of it, Gavin.
I took ten minutes out to help
mrs delgado with the sandwiches.
Out of interest, which sandwiches
did you make? The two plates here.
I sneaked in my
home-made chutney.
Put a flag on them. Not
everyone likes chutney.
Good idea.
Now, what about these two?
I think they have
chutney, as well.
Flags, too.
Right, so flags on
these and these,
but not these, these or these.
It could be flags
on all of them, Colin.
Knock at door come in!
Sorry to disturb you. I wondered
if you knew where Tim was. Tim?
I have to tell
him where to blot.
I sent him up to the
roof, Gavin. The roof?
To fill the emergency
back-up tank. Do we have one?
I had it put in for my
safety review before leaving.
If the mains water supply and the sprinkler header
tank fail in a fire the firemen can't attend,
we can still fight the Blaze.
Oh, I see.
This belongs to you.
Ah. It was addressed to
the manager, so I opened it.
Sorry. I...
You haven't got far!
Second post, darling?
You must go by 12.00. Yes...
Poor Gavin wants to
move in. I don't mind...
He just wants you to go!
No, really, I... I have
to go and find Tim.
Would they mind if the
children came? Children?
They'd enjoy it. You can take them
on the lawn to meet the press. Right.
What time do you want them, about
five to? Yes, I should know by then.
Know what?
Darling, canyoutellcolin
I'dlike a word?
Anythingwrong?
No, no, ofcoursenot. Gordon!
There's a slight complication.
Let's get one thing clear, Gordon.
You're not getting out of this.
We're going to Brussels
on the 26th.
The only excuse for cancelling
isifyou die. Understood?
Two platesofvegetarian
meatballs, laura. Red flags?
Did you roll thembyhand?
Yes. If you use...
Red flags!
What's in the box, Colin? Agoodbye
present I've made for mr brittas.
Oh, it's a...
A teasmaid.
An englishman abroad likes a
cup of tea in his office. It's portable.
Press this and the
battery Springs into action.
You used our usual
engravers. What?
"If you're feeling lonely
and need cheering up,
"just pour the milk, and
pee in your cup." What?
I'd better change that.
Laura, could I
have a word? Sure.
Have you spoken to Gordon
today? No. Anything wrong?
I'm not sure. Watch him. Check he
signs at 12.00. Won't you be here?
I'm getting the car. It'll wait!
Not really. The
children are in it.
Don't worry. It's
in the high street.
Or maybe behind the post
office. Or the multi-storey...
Linda: Mr brittas, I
can't. Ihavetostayhere...
No, I... Give me the phone.
Hello, mr brittas.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes, it's me.
Of course I'll
deal with it. Bye.
He wants you to get the
mail from the post office.
But... Another word
on receptioning.
If a manager asks you to
do something, say yes. Ok?
Yes. Thanks(!)
I'm sorry, Laura. Forgive me. Just
a few things I must pick up for Ben.
Can I come? Sorry? To
see what it's like in there.
Yes, of course. Follow me.
Gosh, it's quite
large, isn't it?
When you've blotted them,
you pass his paper to me.
And mine to him to re-sign.
Then you're manager?
-Yup. I'm in charge.
-So when do you mention me?
Becoming deputy manager?
Well, we must wait
a few weeks. Why?
We must advertise the
post, arrange interviews...
Interviews? I'm getting the job.
You are. But it
must be done fairly!
Then I won't get it!
Look, Tim, the best person will
get the job, and I'm telling you now,
I think you are.
Knock at door come in.
Mr brittas, I have
something for you. What is it?
A gesture of appreciation for so often
rallying to my aid in the last five years. Oh?
Your friendship means a lot to
me. Colin... I'll miss you deeply.
But wherever you may
go, I want you to know...
Whatever this is, it's steaming.
Sorry, mr brittas. I must
have left it switched on.
Still, by coincidence I do have a
couple of tea bags on my person.
Someone's used
a screwdriver here.
Yes, that was... oooogh!
You're very kind, but I've got more
important things to think about now.
Yes, mr brittas.
Now, can you make a public address system so I can
talk to all parts of the centre from here at 12.00?
Right.
Sorry, but at 12.00 won't you be
downstairs at the signing ceremony?
I shall, Colin, if the
ceremony takes place.
You mean it might not?
I can't say much now.
Oh, mr brittas! Colin, not
a word of this to anyone.
You can count on me.
This is wonderful news!
'Oh, thank you!'
wait till I tell everybody!
This place brings back memories.
I suppose it would! Ben and
the children grew up here.
I can't believe we're
saying goodbye to it all. No.
Blue bunny.
Carole, why's this place so big?
With three children,
you need space!
No, no. I meant... it's
a cupboard. Of course.
That's what it was, until
we knocked it through.
Knocked it through? Yes. There was
a wall here, but dead space behind.
It was such a waste! So mr
Brewster, of the swimming class,
came in one evening and
took the bricks away. Bricks?
Well, sort of concrety block
things, really. From along here?
Yes. He put up that wood.
It's hardboard. Yes. Of course,
I did all the decorating myself.
Does mr brittas
know about it? No!
He'd want architects and
planning permission. Honestly -
it's perfectly safe. It's been
like that for over a year.
Yes. It's made
such a difference!
Do you know,
I sometimes think this
place saved my life.
So often, when everything else
was collapsing around me like rubble,
in here, I always
knew I was safe.
Good.
Laura! Laura!
In here, Julie!
What? He's staying.
What? Brittas isn't going.
It's Berlin. Do something!
Right. Carole, I'm going
upstairs. Don't be long.
I'm just coming!
Hgh...
(Come on, Carole, you don't
want to be stuck here for ever!)
Creak
I thought you
wanted to go. I do!
What's stopping you?
The Germans. The who?
This is the agreement signed by all
the countries of the European Union
to fund the
commission for sport.
They each pay 0.45%
of their gross contribution
to the fiscal redeployment fund,
net of non-agricultural
enterprises, of course.
Of course.
Now, three days ago, the Germans
unilaterally decided to make it 0.44%.
Does that matter? It
matters a great deal.
Doesn't sound
much. It's £20,000.
But what matters
is the principle. Ah.
They signed a contract
and went back on it. Yes.
I told them, "agree by
midday, or I won't go!"
That leaves four minutes.
Here we are. Thank you, Colin.
Isn't it marvellous news,
Laura? Marvellous(!)
I put the speaker in the roof space
so Tim can listen. I thought I'd...
Just plug it in. We don't
have much time. Right.
Can't you do something? What?
I'll ring the council. We can raise
£20,000 door to door by teatime.
It's not the money.
Councillor druggett? ..Well, tell
him to come out. This is important.
What's this? It's a water tank.
..Take the phone in! He must have
one hand free! Where is this tank?
I was that close!
I was that close to signing!
I knew it would happen. What?
I had this dream last night.
You know, when you're
in the water in the dark.
No. You know!
You're up to your neck
in water, and can't see.
You feel trapped.
There's no way out.
Suddenly, a lid
lifts off the sky.
There's light. You
smell pine trees.
You think, "I'll be saved!" Yes?
And you realise
you're in the toilet.
Looking up, you see a great big,
hairy hand reaching for the flush.
You mean, you've never had that?
No.
The psychiatrist said
it was very common.
Bell chimes midday
here we go.
'Staff of whitbury newtown leisure
centre. This is your manager.'
I am speaking to you from my office on the
first floor, on a matter of grave importance.
'As you know, I was recently
appointed commissioner for sport
'representing her britannic
majesty in the European Union.
'You may not know that for days I have
been in dispute with the German delegation,
'concerning the extent
of their contribution,
'and it was to this end that I delivered
yesterday an ultimatum to the Germans,
'that if I had no official
assurance by 12.00 noon today,
'a spirit of friendly co-operation
would no longer exist between us,
'making me unable to
accept my new position.
'I have to tell you now that no
such assurance was received,
'and therefore I am standing
down as commissioner for sport.'
Hello?
Hel...
Can anyone help me?
'This is...' Hello, mr brittas. Sorry,
it's very embarrassing, but I'm stuck...
'Please speak
after the tone.' Beep
mr brittas. Sorry
to bother you...
'..Our centre will end its twinning
with the spielenplatz, Bremerhaven.'
creak
Gavin? Gavin!
Colin! Oh, Laura, I'm so happy!
What? He's staying.
It's what I've prayed for.
We must find Gavin! He
isn't management material...
If we don't find Gavin and
stop him filling that tank, it'll...
Huge crash
ģ are you all right?
Get down, Tim! Gavin,
organise some buckets!
Colin, first aid box at the end.
Leave him, Julie. Over here.
I'll leave it to you, Laura. The
main thing is to tell mr brittas!
Despite this, I believe that if
we continue to steer our little ship
by the course we
have always held that...
We shall come through the
storm to the harbour of peace,
in the lagoon of plenty,
by the waters of fruitfulness.
Thank god you're here!
We've had another disaster!
'Colin, I'm making an announcement.
Sorry. Let go of my sleeve!
'Quick. It's the header
tank on the second floor!
'We don't have a header tank
on the second floor. We do now!'
wh... what is this
tank doing here?
Ģ It fell through,
mr brittas. Right.
Who did it? Tanks
don't just "fall".
What are you doing,
Tim? Trying to empty it.
Ģ in here?! To get the
weight down. Laura said...
She's intelligent. She'd never tell
you to ruin an orinoco pine floor!
We must. The floor's
not important! Not to you.
This floor cost money.
I won't have buckets...
Creak and crash
right. Everyone downstairs
now. With a bucket.
Let's clear reception. What?
If it goes through another
floor, it'll land there. Right...
..Emily's ballet class is at 3.00,
so it's a busy day. I need help.
I'm sorry to bother you, but as I
explained... That's it. Thank you. Bye.
Did I say it was Carole?
The time's 12.04. Thank you.
Right.
Electric motor won't start
Motor still won't start
creak
rubble falls on floor above
Oh, dear.
Motor won't start
come on!
Carole! Ah, mr brittas.
I left you a message.
Get out! I'm stuck! I
said so on the message...
Drive! Start the
engine! It won't!
Turn the key!
I'm trying! Give it some choke! It
hasn't got any choke, mr brittas!
That was a close one!
I'm so sorry, mr brittas.
Mr brittas?
Are you ok? Yes.
Where's brittas? What?
He'll tell us what to do! He was
here. In fact, he saved my life!
What? I was stuck here,
under where the tank fell.
He leapt forward, pushed
me away, and then...
He wasn't wearing the blue
tie with the thick red stripes?
If he was...
Oh, no...
Gavin! You and Tim lift
the tank, I'll pull him out!
Colin... don't worry, mr brittas,
we'll soon have you out! Come on.
Come on.
Tim, will you take
him into the rest room?
Julie, will you call the
emergency services?
I was stuck.
The car wouldn't
move. I couldn't get out...
God, I'm dead on my feet!
Have I missed the excitement again?
Don't tell me - a pool in reception.
Helen, something
awful's happened.
I know, but it's
all right! What?
He said he won't go to
Brussels, but I met Linda...
Here's the letter. The
Germans will pay up!
It was special delivery,
but we got hold of it.
-Mrs brittas grabbed it and we ran!
-So he's going to Belgium. It's ok!
-Why are you in Ben's car, Carole?
-Oh, mrs brittas...
We had an accident.
I can see that!
The tank fell. Mr brittas was...
You mean, he's under there?
How could he
be? He wouldn't fit.
Helen, I'm so sorry...
It's all my fault. I was stuck in
the car and I couldn't get out...
The ambulance is on its way.
Come on.
Oh... I...
I'd better go and explain...
Horn toots
celestial music
Excuse me.
Oh. Nearly finished.
Shan't keep you a moment.
115 separate acts of
manslaughter. Oh, dear, dear!
The cause of four suicides,
and 23 driven clinically insane.
Oh! That's it.
Right, what have we
got on the other side?
Nothing. Nothing?
There's a lot of
good intentions.
We don't give
points for those...
Bell rings
oh, hang on... Something's
just come through.
Oooh!
You don't see many
of those nowadays!
What is it? It means he
sacrificed his life for someone else.
Gordon...
Welcome to paradise!
Helen asked me to speak on
behalf of the staff about mr brittas.
"I'd like it to be
you", she said,
"because I always thought that
you liked him." And she's right. I did.
There was a great deal
to admire in mr brittas.
He was honest, hardworking,
and anyone who knew him knows
how much he cared about his centre,
and those of us
who worked there.
There were also,
as with all of us,
times when he got it wrong.
A lot of times.
Sometimes very wrong.
Unlike most, he never stumbled along
wondering where to go, or what it was for.
He knew,
because he had a dream.
If any proof was needed of
what it means to have a dream,
it was surely given in the
last few seconds of his life -
in a moment of choice,
which luckily few of us face,
when what we do
says what we are.
And what mr brittas did was
to give up his life for a friend.
Pigeons coo
I'm not sure if
there's a heaven,
but I am sure that if there is
one, that's where we'll find him.
One part of me can't help wondering
what they'll make of him up there.
Believe me, Peter.2,000yearsis not too
oldtoplayseven-a-side. I'll put you down for Thursday.
We'll goover therules,
and... Where are we going?
Don't worry, all
will be revealed.
Are we going out? Foramoment.
I think you'll find
it'sthebiggold one, Pete. What?
Here, let me do it.
Please, don'tdo that!
I told you, idothekey.
Nobodyelsetouches it.
I do the key and
the gate. Allright?
What...?
Wh... what's going on?
I'm afraid you're leaving us.
But you said I'd be here for...
An eternity. Yes, I know I said so.
We've had special
orders to send you back.
Oh, you mean like carousel?
What? I spend a day
with my friends and family?
This is longer than a day,
Gordon. We had in mind thirty... fifty!
Fifty years. Fifty years?!
Look on it as a chance to finish
your work. To fulfil your dream.
Oh, right!
Well, you'd better hurry.
There isn't very much time.
Pete! Mike! I organised a quiz
night for Tuesday. Don't forget!
Don't worry, Gordon.
It'll all be taken care of.
Forasmuch as it hath pleased
almighty god of his mercy
to take unto himself
the soul of dear Gordon,
here departed,
we therefore commit
his body to the ground;
earth to earth, ashes
to ashes, dust to dust.
In sure and certain...
Knocking from coffin
..in sure and certain
hope of the resurrection
to eternal life... Knock
..that it may be like
unto his glorious body,
knocking
hello?