The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 5, Episode 6 - Pregnant! - full transcript
Just when Gavin was to get his last test before his hoped promotion to assistant manager, the center's medical tests introduced to fight drugs cause hysteria as there is a positive pregnancy test, suggesting Carol is pregnant from Colin, which potential marriage rather suits both of them -for want of better, at first sight- and Linda from 65-year old headmaster Edward, a baronet no less, who dumped her while she loves him; actually Helen has swapped a sample, inseminated while she stayed and was unconscious for days in his house by hallucinogenic gasses around Easter, when Gordon was in Brussels. Gordon thinks Timothy is- not gay as he is, but pregnant too and tries to enforce gender-proof...
Screaming
don't you dare! Easy! Come in.
Everything ok, mr brittas? I'm rather
busy at the moment! Is it important?
You set a management
meeting for ten.
I had to postpone that. I'm tied up
with the life counselling sessions.
Right. Gavin, get me
the intercom, please.
Intercom? By the
window. Right, mr brittas.
There we are. Julie!
Can we have some tea for
Suzie? And a yellow pill, I think.
'Sugar?'
she'll take it just as it comes.
Carole's next. Ask her up, but
ensure someone's at at the desk.
Yes, mr brittas. Are you sure
there's nothing... no! No, right.
We exchange ideas in this
centre. We do not bite! Ow!
Good girl! Now go to
sleep. Mummy see you later.
Colin, how kind! It's
this one here. Sorry?
It sticks. I bang it shut, but it
wakes Jessica when she's asleep.
I forgot about your drawer!
So, why the toolbox?
This isn't my toolbox.
It's dog business! Sorry?!
My first job is to collect all the
little messages left at night. Oh!
Though, some aren't so little!
Feel that!
Goodness! I used to collect them in
polythene bags, but mr brittas said,
"not everyone wants to
see that in the canteen." No.
So I use this. More
official, don't you think?
I'll do that drawer,
after I get rid of this.
Carole, mr brittas
will see you now.
Already?! Someone will
take over. Any problems?
Jessica's there. Jack and Ben are in the cupboard.
Whoever takes over must put this on Jessica.
What? She's got
chickenpox, poor thing.
Hello? Now, buns in the oven. Oven gloves in
the lost property drawer. Cool them on this.
Oh, and tell the TV repair man,
it's the horizontal hold on Ben's TV.
What does mr brittas want?
-He might think you need an au pair!
-Oh, yes. That would be rath...
Gavin!
Can you man reception?
Me? Carole's with brittas.
Why me? You're
not doing anything.
Reading's not anything?!
Just get out here!
It's today! What?
He decides if you're
deputy manager.
Mr brittas has
asked me to ensure...
You're doing it! What?
Ensure!
Get out here!
I can either rush around to make you look good, or
spend ten minutes with Princess di. The book wins!
Well... thank you(!)
Linda?!
Hi, Gavin. Why
are you at the desk?
Laura was worried no one
was here. What's wrong?
Mr brittas asked
me to look into it.
I'll go. No, don't.
But if we do each other's jobs, what
point is a management structure?
Yes(!)
Do you want to see me? Sit down, Carole. I'll
put this here Jessica's still a bit poorly...
Sorry. Now, here's the results of the
compulsory staff urine tests for drugs...
Baby cries
it's all right, darling.
Go back to sleep.
Sorry, mr brittas.
You were saying?
I was saying about the compulsory
staff tests for drugs. Oh, yes.
They reveal again
you're pregnant.
Julie, can we have another cup of tea for Carole,
please? And more of the yellow pills. 'Right you are.'
where am I? In my office. I've
just told you you're pregnant.
Stick with it, Carole!
I can't be! You said that last time. I
take it you don't know who the father is.
I can't be pregnant
because I haven't...
I know I haven't. I
would remember!
We've been here
before, haven't we?
I knew something happened then.
This time, I can't remember anything!
My wife assures me that
sometimes is the case.
Let's refresh your memory.
Your last normal urine test
was on the 17th of last month.
This one was 10 days ago. So, it
must have happened over easter.
Were you doing anything
unusual over easter?
No! No, I was
staying with a friend.
Yes? Well, he isn't...
I mean, we only...
It was a male friend, was it?
Yes, as I said... oh, goodness!
Yes? I've just thought, I was
unconscious for most of the time.
How long exactly?
The ambulance people
said three days. Ah-ha!
Here we are!
Thank you, Julie. Would you
like some biscuits? Biscuits?
I got some this morning, in
case. Thank you, Julie. Very nice.
Julie? Yes? Everything all
right? Yeah, fine. Why d'you ask?
You just seem
rather... never mind!
Now, let's start again. Who was this man
you were unconscious with over easter?
Oh, Laura. There you
are! Morning. Coffee?
Where can I find Suzie?
She went home. Already?
Yes. She got into another fight.
We called the dog-handling
unit. They took her away.
What set her off this time? I think,
mr brittas told her she's pregnant.
God! I knew it! What's
the matter, Helen?
It wasn't her
sample, Laura. What?
The urine sample
wasn't hers. It was mine!
Yours? How?! I know I
shouldn't have done it.
She was worried those body-building
drugs would show up, so I did it.
So... she's not pregnant, but...
Well, congratulations!
Thanks(!)
Mr brittas would like another child.
Maybe twins again! Laura, please!
You don't think
there was a mistake?
At the lab? It's possible. I'll
go and tell Gordon to check.
Colin?!
You're saying the
father is Colin?!
I don't know. As I said, I was
unconscious for much of the time.
Baby wails
Jessica, mummy's rather busy at
the moment. You'll just have to wait!
What shall I do? That's
not an easy question.
I could use lost property. What?
I'll move it, to leave
the middle drawer free.
Carole, you cannot fill
reception with illegitimate children.
No, mr brittas? We have to
face the moral issue here, Carole.
Julie, where would I find
Colin at the moment, please.
'He'll be in his
room.' Thank you.
'D'you want me to bring him up?'
you're offering to go
and get him? 'If you like.'
Julie, are you taking
some form of medication?
Tell me about Suzie. I'm busy. Is she
pregnant? That's confidential. Gordon!
I believe she is.
Well, you should check.
It might be a mistake.
I rang the lab. It's
definite, I'm afraid. Oh, god!
Yes, if only I'd been here, I
might have prevented it. What?
It was easter and I was in
Brussels. What's that got to do with it?
That's what the dates show. That's when
it must have happened. Were you worried?
What?
Were you worried about Suzie? No. No,
it's just... Nothing... some other time.
Tell Linda I might be
a bit delayed. What?
Tell her to come here.
I'll be back soon. Ok?
Come on, Carole.
Where are we going?
You're going to rest, while I go and
have a chat with Colin. What will you say?
There's only one
thing to say, Carole.
As father, he must accept the
consequences of his actions.
He must marry you.
Oh.
There's a principle
at stake. Yes, Gavin.
With one boss we
know where we are. Yes.
When someone asks if you're
on, or off the desk - you should say,
"Gavin's in charge. I'll
check with Gavin first". Right!
Linda, Gordon wants
you. Thanks. Mrs brittas, I...
Any idiot can man a desk.
I want the phone, anyway.
But mr brittas is very insistent that only
staff may use the... John? Hello, it's me.
This is private.
Sorry.
Colin hums a jolly tune
Oh, mr brittas. A word if I may,
Colin. Always time for a chat with you.
I'll get you a seat.
Fire ahead, mr brittas.
I've just been talking to
Carole, Colin. Oh, yes.
I had to give her some
disturbing news. Oh dear.
I told her that, apparently,
she's expecting another child.
My word! How does she do it?
Not by herself. No, of course.
I questioned her rather carefully, and it seems
she does at least know who the father is. Good.
She says it's you. Me? Squelch!
Conception took place over easter, when I gather
she was staying with you... Alone in your house.
You mean, Carole and I... We...
Are you sure about this, mr
brittas? You don't remember it, either?
I remember very little about easter. That was when
the chemical waste, on which my house is built,
produced a cocktail of gases which
rendered Carole and myself unconscious.
You can't wriggle out of this one.
I'm not exactly trying, mr brittas.
That girl is having your child. Your only
honourable course of action is to marry her.
Marry? Do you
have a better idea?
My word! This is a
morning of surprises!
Well? I'm not saying I won't, mr brittas. It's just
that I have other commitments... Relationships.
The milkman?!
My relationship with pauline, while
not as physical as that with Carole,
we have grown to mean
a great deal to each other.
Colin, you cannot
let Carole down.
If I'm responsible,
there's no question of that.
I'll stand by her.
Good. I'll send her down and you
can sort out the details between you.
Well done. Good man! I think
you've made the right choice.
How was it? What? Mr brittas
how did he take the news?
I haven't told him -
it's complicated. Is it?
He was in Brussels
when it happened. Ah.
John's the other possibility. But he reckons
not - something to do with a trip to windscale.
I've been racking my brains
to think who it could be!
Laura! I'm just nipping outside,
if that's all right? Ok, Julie.
I would have asked mr
brittas, but he was busy.
Oh? What's wrong with her?
What? It wasn't
"mr" brittas before!
I'm going to get one of those
kits, just to check. Would you mind?
No, no. See what Julie's doing!
She looks ok. What's she up to? She's with
a man - quite a handsome one, actually.
Pregnant?
That's what the tests
show, Linda. Me - pregnant?!
Yup - it's here in
black and white.
Oh, I don't mind the colour! As
long as it's a baby! Pregnant... gosh!
I take it you're
surprised, Linda.
I am rather. We only
started trying last Friday.
That's when Edward retired.
Edward the headmaster?
Yes. Now he's 65, what better
time to start? He can look after them.
It's something to
know who the father is!
The big question is - how long
can you carry on trampoline training?
Have you heard about Colin and
Carole? No. She's gonna marry him!
Come off it! She says it's the
answer to all her prayers in a way.
How, exactly? She wants to be a
housewife - and Colin's got a house!
You sure? Positive. She says that Colin is a warm,
kind and loving man - more than some of us have got!
But Colin?! At least he cares more
for her than what mr brittas thinks!
Are you all right,
Julie? Fine. Sure? Yeah.
Tim, look after the desk. Come
on, let's have a talk! Oh, no!
I can't! I have to do some typing
for mr brittas. You are in a bad way!
Changed your mind then(?)
What? About the desk.
Oh, Laura asked me... oh, fine(!) It's
only me you don't want to help. No, look...
Mr brittas wants
you. Gavin! Now!
It's funny how things
turn out, isn't it? Yes.
Colin? You think
life's going one way,
-you wake up one day and, whoosh!
-Off you go in the other direction!
Colin.
Yes?
You don't have to, you know.
You don't have to marry me. I don't want to
force you to do something you don't want.
I've always admired
you, Carole. Have you?
You have a capacity when something
bad happens - and they do happen!
They do a bit. But, you always
bounce straight back, don't you?
Next morning, you're there with
a smile and "how can I help you?"
Bright as ever, and looking, if I
may say so, extraordinarily attractive!
Thank you.
Anyone can be happy when
life's going well for them, Carole.
But when things go wrong, your plans go down
the toilet, and you're still smiling...!
In many ways, you
remind me of mr brittas.
You're very kind!
I wonder, Carole - if you would
do me the honour of accepting this?
Oh, Colin! It's been in my
family a good many years.
It was last worn by my great-great-grandmother.
Great-great-grandmother!
Interestingly enough,
she died of the plague.
Oh!
There's something
else I want to show you.
Ta-da!
It's a crib?
Do you want to see it going? Going?
It's motorised. We won't have to push it.
The engine's from an old lawn mower.
Attach it to a ratchet system, and...
There you are, you see! The
baby rocks off quietly to sleep.
What? I said the baby
rocks off quietly to sleep!
Colin, is it safe! Quite safe - it's
just slipping a bit on the ratchet.
I'll bang it.
Oh, Colin!
Pop!
You know, Carole. I'm rather
looking forward to being a father.
It was just like in the movies - I
was gone as soon as I saw him!
How wonderful! Oh, but it was
all wrong, right from the start.
Is that him? Yes. I should have known!
Who's called Alex cholmondley-hume Bart?!
Bart's not actually part of his
name. It's his title - he's a baronet.
God! I really pick 'em. Why were
you at a young conservatives' ball?
I was serving drinks.
I was there, wi' me tray. We chatted about
beer and collies, and then I took him upstairs.
Upstairs-upstairs?
Yeah, it was wonderful! Really the
business! After, he asked to see me again.
Ah, one of the old
school! I said I might...
He said he was sorry - he thought
it meant more - and that was it!
You did want to
see him? Of course!
Why didn't you say, "I'd love
to - when do you suggest?"
And sound a complete prat?!
He hasn't been in
touch since then?
Yeah, today! I met
him in the car park.
He says he can't get me out of his
mind and wants to know how I feel.
Did you tell him? Yeah! And? I
said he were all right! The green light!
And he said, "in that case, there's
no point in seeing each other again."
Julie... oh, Laura, I've never felt
like this before. I thought he liked me!
I think he does. What?
I'll tell you about
us poor southerners.
The game's up, Tim! Mr brittas?
You're rumbled! Your number's
been called. Your secret is out!
What secret? I should
have seen it a long time ago.
No girlfriend, always with
Gavin, those pelmets you made.
How did you think you
could get away with it?
I wasn't trying to.
Do you realise how
serious this is? No, I don't.
Take my word for it, you're in hot water. Did you
think it was the only way you could get the job? What?
I've been through the records, Tim.
We already had our full quota of women!
What exactly are
you talking about?
Timothy, you're a
woman, aren't you!
I'm a what?
I have the lab report
on your sample, Tim.
You're pregnant.
Mr brittas! You didn't
know that, did you!
I am not a woman.
You deny it? I do!
There's one simple
way to find out!
'Oh! Ow! I hoped it wouldn't come
to this, Tim. What are you doing?!'
it's like another language! Yes, but it
works both ways. How d'you mean?
When he said, "gosh, Julie! You're
a real whiz!", it was a compliment.
You're kidding! No, I'm not!
Come on! He might
still be in the carpark.
Don't forget the rules. If he laughs
nervously he's trying to be serious.
When he frowns... He's
remembering a joke!
Laura! One minute.
Good luck. And
be gentle with him!
He's probably never been to
rotherham! Yes, what's the problem.
Mr brittas. I knew he'd got
it wrong! It's not blue at all!
Mrs brittas? I'm not pregnant.
Typical Gordon, getting it wrong!
Mrs brittas! I'll go
up. And Suzie...
Good god! Listen to
someone else for once!
Mr brittas is doing
things to Tim!
Doing things? In the drawer!
Puffing and groaning: 'I want those trousers
off, Tim! And I want them off now! Get off!'
is that Gordon? Yes!
-What's he doing?
-Taking Tim's trousers off!
Intercom crackles
'you've torn my shirt!'
he's gone mad! Sounds like it!
'You have no right! It's safety
procedure! Let go of the belt! Help!'
I can't listen any more!
Hang on, Timmy! I'm coming!
Mr brittas, stop it! What
the hell is going on?!
Don't let her get away!
What are you doing?!
Undo her flies!
Right!
Are you all right? He went mad!
That's it! Don't expect
me to visit you in prison!
He says I'm a woman! He's
pregnant. He must be a woman?
Who on earth says he's
pregnant? The lab does!
What?! There! Scientific proof.
Now help me get those shorts off!
Gordon!
There's a lot of pregnancies!
That's confidential!
I make it 17! Which is a lot of counselling,
so just... It's all the women staff!
They're oaps and she's
had a hysterectomy!
I rang the lab. They
double-checked.
Who took them? Huh? Took the
samples to the lab. I dunno. I wasn't here!
I gave mine to Julie. Julie!
Are you really serious?
I'd like a word with my
secretary. What is it?
It's confidential.
It might be best.
I'll be right back.
Well? You took the urine samples
down to the lab last month? What?
The drug test samples for the lab. You took
them yourself? You didn't give them to anyone?
If something happened - tell
us. All right - I dropped 'em.
You what?!
Well, just the
women's! And one other.
What did you do?
There wasn't time and...
..Nobody but Suzie uses drugs
anyway. So I filled 'em up meself!
-All 17?
-I had a couple of pints at lunch.
I don't believe this. You falsified
scientific records? Do we have to do this now?
What? It may not seem much to you, but Alex
and I are trying to talk. It's important.
So is this!
He's asked me to marry him.
Oh, Julie! Congratulations!
Getting back to the matter in hand!
What did you say? I haven't... Yet!
I'm not sure I'm ready.
What would I do?
Errrrh! You'll be busy enough!
Look at this, Julie.
It's quite definite. It's
been checked 17 times.
Have you heard?
Yes. Yes! Wonderful news! Yes.
Julie's engaged. I'm not pregnant.
We don't have to get married.
No.
..You'll be off out, then?
A lot of owners walk their dogs
now. I like to keep on top of the job.
Make sure everything's clean
for when the children come home.
Well...
Colin! Yes!
I just remembered.
Thanks.
Knock on door come in!
Ah, Laura. I nearly made a bit of a fool
of myself back there, didn't I? Well...
Seventeen pregnancies. I should have
known there was something strange.
Well... but, that's what management
is all about - making mistakes!
And you do it so
well, mr brittas.
Thank you. Right, let's get on
with this meeting. Where's Gavin?
At home! What? In the circumstances,
he thought he wouldn't be welcome.
What circumstances?
Punching you in the face!
Oh, that! I rather
approved of that, actually.
Did you? Frankly, I've often thought there
was something a bit girly about Gavin.
But defending Tim in what seemed
a strange situation... it did rather!
Yes, I was impressed. I think
we should make his post official.
Oh, that's good. Yeah,
it's nice, isn't it? What?
Everything's back to normal. Tim and Gavin
sorted. Linda and Carole not pregnant.
Colin not having to marry. Helen's
cooking supper. And Julie's...
Ah, Julie! Julie, minutes
of the last meeting, please.
You can type 'em yourself. Expect me
back Wednesday - I'm off to Scotland.
Like I said,
everything's normal.
don't you dare! Easy! Come in.
Everything ok, mr brittas? I'm rather
busy at the moment! Is it important?
You set a management
meeting for ten.
I had to postpone that. I'm tied up
with the life counselling sessions.
Right. Gavin, get me
the intercom, please.
Intercom? By the
window. Right, mr brittas.
There we are. Julie!
Can we have some tea for
Suzie? And a yellow pill, I think.
'Sugar?'
she'll take it just as it comes.
Carole's next. Ask her up, but
ensure someone's at at the desk.
Yes, mr brittas. Are you sure
there's nothing... no! No, right.
We exchange ideas in this
centre. We do not bite! Ow!
Good girl! Now go to
sleep. Mummy see you later.
Colin, how kind! It's
this one here. Sorry?
It sticks. I bang it shut, but it
wakes Jessica when she's asleep.
I forgot about your drawer!
So, why the toolbox?
This isn't my toolbox.
It's dog business! Sorry?!
My first job is to collect all the
little messages left at night. Oh!
Though, some aren't so little!
Feel that!
Goodness! I used to collect them in
polythene bags, but mr brittas said,
"not everyone wants to
see that in the canteen." No.
So I use this. More
official, don't you think?
I'll do that drawer,
after I get rid of this.
Carole, mr brittas
will see you now.
Already?! Someone will
take over. Any problems?
Jessica's there. Jack and Ben are in the cupboard.
Whoever takes over must put this on Jessica.
What? She's got
chickenpox, poor thing.
Hello? Now, buns in the oven. Oven gloves in
the lost property drawer. Cool them on this.
Oh, and tell the TV repair man,
it's the horizontal hold on Ben's TV.
What does mr brittas want?
-He might think you need an au pair!
-Oh, yes. That would be rath...
Gavin!
Can you man reception?
Me? Carole's with brittas.
Why me? You're
not doing anything.
Reading's not anything?!
Just get out here!
It's today! What?
He decides if you're
deputy manager.
Mr brittas has
asked me to ensure...
You're doing it! What?
Ensure!
Get out here!
I can either rush around to make you look good, or
spend ten minutes with Princess di. The book wins!
Well... thank you(!)
Linda?!
Hi, Gavin. Why
are you at the desk?
Laura was worried no one
was here. What's wrong?
Mr brittas asked
me to look into it.
I'll go. No, don't.
But if we do each other's jobs, what
point is a management structure?
Yes(!)
Do you want to see me? Sit down, Carole. I'll
put this here Jessica's still a bit poorly...
Sorry. Now, here's the results of the
compulsory staff urine tests for drugs...
Baby cries
it's all right, darling.
Go back to sleep.
Sorry, mr brittas.
You were saying?
I was saying about the compulsory
staff tests for drugs. Oh, yes.
They reveal again
you're pregnant.
Julie, can we have another cup of tea for Carole,
please? And more of the yellow pills. 'Right you are.'
where am I? In my office. I've
just told you you're pregnant.
Stick with it, Carole!
I can't be! You said that last time. I
take it you don't know who the father is.
I can't be pregnant
because I haven't...
I know I haven't. I
would remember!
We've been here
before, haven't we?
I knew something happened then.
This time, I can't remember anything!
My wife assures me that
sometimes is the case.
Let's refresh your memory.
Your last normal urine test
was on the 17th of last month.
This one was 10 days ago. So, it
must have happened over easter.
Were you doing anything
unusual over easter?
No! No, I was
staying with a friend.
Yes? Well, he isn't...
I mean, we only...
It was a male friend, was it?
Yes, as I said... oh, goodness!
Yes? I've just thought, I was
unconscious for most of the time.
How long exactly?
The ambulance people
said three days. Ah-ha!
Here we are!
Thank you, Julie. Would you
like some biscuits? Biscuits?
I got some this morning, in
case. Thank you, Julie. Very nice.
Julie? Yes? Everything all
right? Yeah, fine. Why d'you ask?
You just seem
rather... never mind!
Now, let's start again. Who was this man
you were unconscious with over easter?
Oh, Laura. There you
are! Morning. Coffee?
Where can I find Suzie?
She went home. Already?
Yes. She got into another fight.
We called the dog-handling
unit. They took her away.
What set her off this time? I think,
mr brittas told her she's pregnant.
God! I knew it! What's
the matter, Helen?
It wasn't her
sample, Laura. What?
The urine sample
wasn't hers. It was mine!
Yours? How?! I know I
shouldn't have done it.
She was worried those body-building
drugs would show up, so I did it.
So... she's not pregnant, but...
Well, congratulations!
Thanks(!)
Mr brittas would like another child.
Maybe twins again! Laura, please!
You don't think
there was a mistake?
At the lab? It's possible. I'll
go and tell Gordon to check.
Colin?!
You're saying the
father is Colin?!
I don't know. As I said, I was
unconscious for much of the time.
Baby wails
Jessica, mummy's rather busy at
the moment. You'll just have to wait!
What shall I do? That's
not an easy question.
I could use lost property. What?
I'll move it, to leave
the middle drawer free.
Carole, you cannot fill
reception with illegitimate children.
No, mr brittas? We have to
face the moral issue here, Carole.
Julie, where would I find
Colin at the moment, please.
'He'll be in his
room.' Thank you.
'D'you want me to bring him up?'
you're offering to go
and get him? 'If you like.'
Julie, are you taking
some form of medication?
Tell me about Suzie. I'm busy. Is she
pregnant? That's confidential. Gordon!
I believe she is.
Well, you should check.
It might be a mistake.
I rang the lab. It's
definite, I'm afraid. Oh, god!
Yes, if only I'd been here, I
might have prevented it. What?
It was easter and I was in
Brussels. What's that got to do with it?
That's what the dates show. That's when
it must have happened. Were you worried?
What?
Were you worried about Suzie? No. No,
it's just... Nothing... some other time.
Tell Linda I might be
a bit delayed. What?
Tell her to come here.
I'll be back soon. Ok?
Come on, Carole.
Where are we going?
You're going to rest, while I go and
have a chat with Colin. What will you say?
There's only one
thing to say, Carole.
As father, he must accept the
consequences of his actions.
He must marry you.
Oh.
There's a principle
at stake. Yes, Gavin.
With one boss we
know where we are. Yes.
When someone asks if you're
on, or off the desk - you should say,
"Gavin's in charge. I'll
check with Gavin first". Right!
Linda, Gordon wants
you. Thanks. Mrs brittas, I...
Any idiot can man a desk.
I want the phone, anyway.
But mr brittas is very insistent that only
staff may use the... John? Hello, it's me.
This is private.
Sorry.
Colin hums a jolly tune
Oh, mr brittas. A word if I may,
Colin. Always time for a chat with you.
I'll get you a seat.
Fire ahead, mr brittas.
I've just been talking to
Carole, Colin. Oh, yes.
I had to give her some
disturbing news. Oh dear.
I told her that, apparently,
she's expecting another child.
My word! How does she do it?
Not by herself. No, of course.
I questioned her rather carefully, and it seems
she does at least know who the father is. Good.
She says it's you. Me? Squelch!
Conception took place over easter, when I gather
she was staying with you... Alone in your house.
You mean, Carole and I... We...
Are you sure about this, mr
brittas? You don't remember it, either?
I remember very little about easter. That was when
the chemical waste, on which my house is built,
produced a cocktail of gases which
rendered Carole and myself unconscious.
You can't wriggle out of this one.
I'm not exactly trying, mr brittas.
That girl is having your child. Your only
honourable course of action is to marry her.
Marry? Do you
have a better idea?
My word! This is a
morning of surprises!
Well? I'm not saying I won't, mr brittas. It's just
that I have other commitments... Relationships.
The milkman?!
My relationship with pauline, while
not as physical as that with Carole,
we have grown to mean
a great deal to each other.
Colin, you cannot
let Carole down.
If I'm responsible,
there's no question of that.
I'll stand by her.
Good. I'll send her down and you
can sort out the details between you.
Well done. Good man! I think
you've made the right choice.
How was it? What? Mr brittas
how did he take the news?
I haven't told him -
it's complicated. Is it?
He was in Brussels
when it happened. Ah.
John's the other possibility. But he reckons
not - something to do with a trip to windscale.
I've been racking my brains
to think who it could be!
Laura! I'm just nipping outside,
if that's all right? Ok, Julie.
I would have asked mr
brittas, but he was busy.
Oh? What's wrong with her?
What? It wasn't
"mr" brittas before!
I'm going to get one of those
kits, just to check. Would you mind?
No, no. See what Julie's doing!
She looks ok. What's she up to? She's with
a man - quite a handsome one, actually.
Pregnant?
That's what the tests
show, Linda. Me - pregnant?!
Yup - it's here in
black and white.
Oh, I don't mind the colour! As
long as it's a baby! Pregnant... gosh!
I take it you're
surprised, Linda.
I am rather. We only
started trying last Friday.
That's when Edward retired.
Edward the headmaster?
Yes. Now he's 65, what better
time to start? He can look after them.
It's something to
know who the father is!
The big question is - how long
can you carry on trampoline training?
Have you heard about Colin and
Carole? No. She's gonna marry him!
Come off it! She says it's the
answer to all her prayers in a way.
How, exactly? She wants to be a
housewife - and Colin's got a house!
You sure? Positive. She says that Colin is a warm,
kind and loving man - more than some of us have got!
But Colin?! At least he cares more
for her than what mr brittas thinks!
Are you all right,
Julie? Fine. Sure? Yeah.
Tim, look after the desk. Come
on, let's have a talk! Oh, no!
I can't! I have to do some typing
for mr brittas. You are in a bad way!
Changed your mind then(?)
What? About the desk.
Oh, Laura asked me... oh, fine(!) It's
only me you don't want to help. No, look...
Mr brittas wants
you. Gavin! Now!
It's funny how things
turn out, isn't it? Yes.
Colin? You think
life's going one way,
-you wake up one day and, whoosh!
-Off you go in the other direction!
Colin.
Yes?
You don't have to, you know.
You don't have to marry me. I don't want to
force you to do something you don't want.
I've always admired
you, Carole. Have you?
You have a capacity when something
bad happens - and they do happen!
They do a bit. But, you always
bounce straight back, don't you?
Next morning, you're there with
a smile and "how can I help you?"
Bright as ever, and looking, if I
may say so, extraordinarily attractive!
Thank you.
Anyone can be happy when
life's going well for them, Carole.
But when things go wrong, your plans go down
the toilet, and you're still smiling...!
In many ways, you
remind me of mr brittas.
You're very kind!
I wonder, Carole - if you would
do me the honour of accepting this?
Oh, Colin! It's been in my
family a good many years.
It was last worn by my great-great-grandmother.
Great-great-grandmother!
Interestingly enough,
she died of the plague.
Oh!
There's something
else I want to show you.
Ta-da!
It's a crib?
Do you want to see it going? Going?
It's motorised. We won't have to push it.
The engine's from an old lawn mower.
Attach it to a ratchet system, and...
There you are, you see! The
baby rocks off quietly to sleep.
What? I said the baby
rocks off quietly to sleep!
Colin, is it safe! Quite safe - it's
just slipping a bit on the ratchet.
I'll bang it.
Oh, Colin!
Pop!
You know, Carole. I'm rather
looking forward to being a father.
It was just like in the movies - I
was gone as soon as I saw him!
How wonderful! Oh, but it was
all wrong, right from the start.
Is that him? Yes. I should have known!
Who's called Alex cholmondley-hume Bart?!
Bart's not actually part of his
name. It's his title - he's a baronet.
God! I really pick 'em. Why were
you at a young conservatives' ball?
I was serving drinks.
I was there, wi' me tray. We chatted about
beer and collies, and then I took him upstairs.
Upstairs-upstairs?
Yeah, it was wonderful! Really the
business! After, he asked to see me again.
Ah, one of the old
school! I said I might...
He said he was sorry - he thought
it meant more - and that was it!
You did want to
see him? Of course!
Why didn't you say, "I'd love
to - when do you suggest?"
And sound a complete prat?!
He hasn't been in
touch since then?
Yeah, today! I met
him in the car park.
He says he can't get me out of his
mind and wants to know how I feel.
Did you tell him? Yeah! And? I
said he were all right! The green light!
And he said, "in that case, there's
no point in seeing each other again."
Julie... oh, Laura, I've never felt
like this before. I thought he liked me!
I think he does. What?
I'll tell you about
us poor southerners.
The game's up, Tim! Mr brittas?
You're rumbled! Your number's
been called. Your secret is out!
What secret? I should
have seen it a long time ago.
No girlfriend, always with
Gavin, those pelmets you made.
How did you think you
could get away with it?
I wasn't trying to.
Do you realise how
serious this is? No, I don't.
Take my word for it, you're in hot water. Did you
think it was the only way you could get the job? What?
I've been through the records, Tim.
We already had our full quota of women!
What exactly are
you talking about?
Timothy, you're a
woman, aren't you!
I'm a what?
I have the lab report
on your sample, Tim.
You're pregnant.
Mr brittas! You didn't
know that, did you!
I am not a woman.
You deny it? I do!
There's one simple
way to find out!
'Oh! Ow! I hoped it wouldn't come
to this, Tim. What are you doing?!'
it's like another language! Yes, but it
works both ways. How d'you mean?
When he said, "gosh, Julie! You're
a real whiz!", it was a compliment.
You're kidding! No, I'm not!
Come on! He might
still be in the carpark.
Don't forget the rules. If he laughs
nervously he's trying to be serious.
When he frowns... He's
remembering a joke!
Laura! One minute.
Good luck. And
be gentle with him!
He's probably never been to
rotherham! Yes, what's the problem.
Mr brittas. I knew he'd got
it wrong! It's not blue at all!
Mrs brittas? I'm not pregnant.
Typical Gordon, getting it wrong!
Mrs brittas! I'll go
up. And Suzie...
Good god! Listen to
someone else for once!
Mr brittas is doing
things to Tim!
Doing things? In the drawer!
Puffing and groaning: 'I want those trousers
off, Tim! And I want them off now! Get off!'
is that Gordon? Yes!
-What's he doing?
-Taking Tim's trousers off!
Intercom crackles
'you've torn my shirt!'
he's gone mad! Sounds like it!
'You have no right! It's safety
procedure! Let go of the belt! Help!'
I can't listen any more!
Hang on, Timmy! I'm coming!
Mr brittas, stop it! What
the hell is going on?!
Don't let her get away!
What are you doing?!
Undo her flies!
Right!
Are you all right? He went mad!
That's it! Don't expect
me to visit you in prison!
He says I'm a woman! He's
pregnant. He must be a woman?
Who on earth says he's
pregnant? The lab does!
What?! There! Scientific proof.
Now help me get those shorts off!
Gordon!
There's a lot of pregnancies!
That's confidential!
I make it 17! Which is a lot of counselling,
so just... It's all the women staff!
They're oaps and she's
had a hysterectomy!
I rang the lab. They
double-checked.
Who took them? Huh? Took the
samples to the lab. I dunno. I wasn't here!
I gave mine to Julie. Julie!
Are you really serious?
I'd like a word with my
secretary. What is it?
It's confidential.
It might be best.
I'll be right back.
Well? You took the urine samples
down to the lab last month? What?
The drug test samples for the lab. You took
them yourself? You didn't give them to anyone?
If something happened - tell
us. All right - I dropped 'em.
You what?!
Well, just the
women's! And one other.
What did you do?
There wasn't time and...
..Nobody but Suzie uses drugs
anyway. So I filled 'em up meself!
-All 17?
-I had a couple of pints at lunch.
I don't believe this. You falsified
scientific records? Do we have to do this now?
What? It may not seem much to you, but Alex
and I are trying to talk. It's important.
So is this!
He's asked me to marry him.
Oh, Julie! Congratulations!
Getting back to the matter in hand!
What did you say? I haven't... Yet!
I'm not sure I'm ready.
What would I do?
Errrrh! You'll be busy enough!
Look at this, Julie.
It's quite definite. It's
been checked 17 times.
Have you heard?
Yes. Yes! Wonderful news! Yes.
Julie's engaged. I'm not pregnant.
We don't have to get married.
No.
..You'll be off out, then?
A lot of owners walk their dogs
now. I like to keep on top of the job.
Make sure everything's clean
for when the children come home.
Well...
Colin! Yes!
I just remembered.
Thanks.
Knock on door come in!
Ah, Laura. I nearly made a bit of a fool
of myself back there, didn't I? Well...
Seventeen pregnancies. I should have
known there was something strange.
Well... but, that's what management
is all about - making mistakes!
And you do it so
well, mr brittas.
Thank you. Right, let's get on
with this meeting. Where's Gavin?
At home! What? In the circumstances,
he thought he wouldn't be welcome.
What circumstances?
Punching you in the face!
Oh, that! I rather
approved of that, actually.
Did you? Frankly, I've often thought there
was something a bit girly about Gavin.
But defending Tim in what seemed
a strange situation... it did rather!
Yes, I was impressed. I think
we should make his post official.
Oh, that's good. Yeah,
it's nice, isn't it? What?
Everything's back to normal. Tim and Gavin
sorted. Linda and Carole not pregnant.
Colin not having to marry. Helen's
cooking supper. And Julie's...
Ah, Julie! Julie, minutes
of the last meeting, please.
You can type 'em yourself. Expect me
back Wednesday - I'm off to Scotland.
Like I said,
everything's normal.