The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Lies Have It - full transcript

"If only mr brittas
had been there,

"this disaster would
never have happened."

Very possibly not, but the day
may come when I'm not here at all.

Let's just spend a moment
thinking about that, shall we?

Ok.

Can we think about it
a bit longer, mr brittas?

A brief word about
basic safety techniques.

The golden rule is... Linda?

Er...

Shall I remind you? On seeing a
potential hazard, we think about it.

We identify the problems and
tell the team. Think, identify, tell.



Tit! Pardon?

I said "tit", mr
brittas. Timothy...

It's a mnemonic. What?

Think, identify, tell. T-i-t.

Tit!

Sorry I'm late. I've had a bit of
trouble finding an extinguisher.

We lost three when they
sprayed foam over your...

Stop, Colin! Sorry.

What's he done wrong? Didn't we
promise to forget the rotary club?

He's not wearing a safety hat.
You can't come in here without a hat.

You're right, mr
brittas. I'm sorry.

Will you be long? Mr donaldson.

I've got eight men waiting to start work. There you
are, Colin. All because Colin's not wearing a hat!

Linda, please get Colin a hat.



I'll bring it back in a minute.

Ah, thank you, mr donaldson.

Colin!

Thanks, mr brittas.

You may now enter the room.

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah! What
else has he done wrong?

Anyone?

Could you give him the
answer? We've lost an hour.

He's left the fire extinguisher
in the middle of the room.

So I have!

Neh-eh-eh!

Here's where we want it, col!

Out of harm's way.

Ooh!

Safety, Colin.

We must think safety.

Hi, Carole.

Carole?

It's all right, darling.
Mummy's coming! Oh, Michael!

Welcome to whitbury.
How can I help you?

Is Gordon back? He's upstairs,
so you should be safe on this floor.

No, I wanted to see him.
I'll just give you a pass, then.

Sorry. Oh, Ben! I've told you before
about playing with mummy's things!

Are you ok, Carol?

I'm sorry. Jessica's got an ear-ache,
and I haven't had any sleep lately.

I am sorry. And
it's my birthday.

It's your birthday?
Was, yesterday.

I'd no idea. Nobody did.

No presents, cards? One.

From Ben.

"Happy birthday, pooh-head"!

I won't buy him
an air rifle, see?

This is terrible. When I've seen
Gordon, I'll do something about it.

Loud music for god's
sake, Ben, turn it down!

There are other people trying to
sleep in these drawers, you know.

Knock come in.

What do you want? And
good morning to you, Gordon.

I said, what do you
want? I want a job.

Yo-ou what?

I'd like to work here, Gordon.

If you had a job, you might
be expected to do a day's work.

Look... you wouldn't recognise work if it jumped from
your bank account and turned into a pair of pyjamas.

I just want a job.
There's nothing available.

That's not what it says here.

"An opportunity to change the world you live in.
Whitbury leisure centre seeks junior pool attendant."

You can't. Why not?
You're American.

Married to a British national. I
checked. Would Julie have a form?

Leave her alone. Julie, bring in the application
forms. I want to keep them under lock and key.

Phone rings brittas. What
sort of emergency, Colin?

Welcome home, Gordon!
One moment, my darling.

Why are you here?
I just dropped by.

Why bother?
No-one's gonna apply.

Why would a builder
set fire to his hair?

Ģ Oh, I saw you
in the restaurant.

What? I was helping,
and gave you extra.

Sorry, I'm always doing that.

All right, all right, I'll deal
with it, Colin. Sorry, my darling.

What restaurant? Sorry?
Weren't you visiting your mother?

Yes, I came back early for dinner.
Dinner? That's nice. Who with?

With me.

You! I hope you don't mind.
You and him? Just the two of you?

There was a whole bunch of us celebrating Carole's
birthday. Carole's birthday, and I missed it!

That's why Helen was
there - to represent you. Yes!

I wanted to say, "happy birthday from all of us!"
All right, we'll talk later. I've got an emergency.

Michael, that was brilliant. Thank
you! Hey, Helen, I've been there.

I'm sorry, mrs
brittas. Never mind.

-That lawyer, champagne and oysters!
-It was wonderful!

I do not believe it!

You sacrificed an evening with your
mother to represent management.

You are a ministering
angel, my sweet.

I've always admired
that about Gordon -

he really trusts me.

So...

..This man picked up his
comb... This ordinary comb.

And his hair caught
fire. Why would it do this?

It's a mystery, isn't it?

Give him an aspirin, and if that
doesn't work, send him home.

Wilco, mr brittas. Now...

This party last night. Party?
Carole's birthday party.

Did you give her a
present? Present?

I wish you'd stop repeating what
I say. What party? What party?

Nobody told me.
Nobody told you? Groans

please, I'm trying to get
some sense out of him.

Councillor drugget wants to
know about Brussels. Right.

I better deal with it. Just make
sure he knows we're not liable.

Did he set fire to his head?

Did you know about
this party? What?

Carole's birthday party last night.
Did he ask if you were there? Yes.

What did you say? I said no!

Were many staff not invited?
We're not ready for this. Sorry, Colin.

Or was I the only one?

Sorry, dermot. Do you
want your lunch-box?

Hang on. He groans

aagh!

He's asking about the party.
Mr brittas has been asking Colin!

-Oh, lord, what do we do now?
-Make sure everybody says the same.

Can you say you were
at a party last night? Why?

Brittas thinks we
were at a party.

If he asks, you
were there, ok? Fine.

It would help.

We'll say Gavin organised it.

-No.
-Why not?

Well, I wasn't there, was I?

-None of us were. It's made up.
-I don't want to lie.

Oh, Gavin!

As long as we get the others.

I'll bring Edward. I'd feel happier
if he came. I'm quite a shy person.

Linda! Let her bring him.

Now we've got to
tell everyone else.

Except Colin,
cos he didn't know.

The trocadero, got there at eight,
back at midnight, a wonderful time.

I'll tell Carole.

I'll do the pool.
I'll do in here.

-I'll phone Edward!
-Is it really worth it?

All the lies, deception and anxiety
for a few moments of elicit pleasure.

Yes.

I think it is.

Looks like some of us over-indulged
last night, Carole. Sorry?

Good party, eh? Your birthday?

Oh yes, the trocadero at eight. Left
at midnight. We enjoyed ourselves.

I have no wish to spoil a festive occasion, but
when an evening's enjoyment affects our work...

I'll get my leaflet on
alcoholism. Thank you.

Linda, a word, please.

You were at this party,
weren't you? I certainly was!

We went to the trocadero...

Yes, I know that, Linda.

I take it Carole got
a present, didn't she?

Oh, yes. And what was it?

Er... edward and I didn't see.
No? It was in its small box by then.

Right, so who organised it?

Was it Gavin? Was it Tim? Tim!

Tim? Yes. Get Tim
to come to my office.

Yes, mr brittas.

Just put it there, thanks.

Tim. Mr brittas wants to see
you in his office about the present.

What present? Carole's present!

I told him you organised it, and I
didn't know what it was. Sorry, Tim.

It's ok. We just have
to decide what it was.

Towels? Not much of a present!

Something a bit more personal.

Towels. We gave her some
bath towels. I can handle that.

Well, Edward and I
are giving jewellery!

Are you still here? I
need an application form.

I am not having a proven adulterer
wearing the logo of this centre!

I'll level with you,
Gordon. I need this job.

I thought you had a wife to live
off, and a father worth millions.

Billions, Gordon.

It isn't mine unless Laura has a
child, and she doesn't want one.

Can you blame her?
You're not trustworthy.

I need to do something drastic
to prove to her that I've changed.

Wearing shorts
to work is drastic.

I need to show her I'm
serious. Can you understand?

I suppose I can.

You see why I need the job? Yes.

Do I get it? No!

This is a racist thing, right?

What?

You're discriminating against my
ethnic origin - Irish grandparents.

Your grandparents
are irrelevant!

Will equal opportunities
see it that way?

Sit down!

243 questions. No blanks
allowed. Great! Can I take a pen?

Ah-ah!

Clears throat

sign here, please.

Do I sign for the pen?
Your name, Farrell.

'Kyou.

You now have access
to leisure centre property.

Knock at door you wanted
to see me, mr brittas.

It concerns Carole's
present you organised.

We went for the bath towels.
Would anyone mind if I contributed?

You want to give me money! It's a
question of morale. How much was it?

Er...£55

that sounds rather expensive.

There were four... Big ones!

How many of you were there?
Let me just count - two, four...

Sixteen altogether.
So there were!

How many were members of staff?

What? I need to know the number so that I can take
the £55 and divide it by that number plus one, myself,

so I can work out my contribution
and reimburse the others.

Yes. Unless those who weren't
there contributed, like Laura, Gavin...

Why shouldn't Gavin have been there? He's not
still keeping it a secret? He goes to his mother's.

Gavin came to me asking for advice on how he could
get promotion, and I sent him on a management course.

You what? He did very well. Tell
him he came fifth in the exams. I will!

It's funny how the smell always
lingers, isn't it? Eh? In kitchens.

A vegetarian recognises
the smell of cooked meat.

My word, that is rather
high. What is it? 109.

Has he been in the sun?
No! Down in the cellar.

I'll just check his heart.

This might be a
little bit chilling.

Aagh!

Ģ this is where everyone was
sitting, and this is what we all ate.

What they wore,
and things they said.

Ok? Right.

Oh, goodness, Colin!

Is there anything I can do? Oh, no. You
need your rest after the party. Thank you.

Linda said it was a
success. It was wonderful!

They gave me towels. Everyone was
there. Not quite everyone, Carol. No?

Didn't you notice? Oh, Colin,
you weren't there. What happened?

I was not invited!
Colin, I'm so sorry.

Actually, I was busy. But it might
have been nice to have been asked.

Is it serious? Just heat
stroke, Laura. I'm dealing with it.

Do you want some help? No. I might
as well get used to being on my own!

What's up with him?

It's my fault. I didn't invite
him to my party. A party?

Yes, at the trocadero. Everyone
was there. Why didn't you invite him?

I've no idea. I had everyone else
Michael, Tim, Julie... Michael?

What? My Michael.

Yes. He sat two places away from
me. He had the veal. He didn't tell me.

Oh, no, you weren't there! Oh,
I'm sorry, I didn't invite you or Colin!

It's fine. I wonder why
he didn't mention it?

He will when he comes down. He's
here? He wanted to see mr brittas.

I'll just pop upstairs and see
if everything's all right. Fine.

With this bomb business, I wonder
if I should even think about leaving.

"Europe's need is the greater."
A very noble thought, mr drugget.

Five weeks.

Let's hope so, yes.

One last thing, councillor.

I worked out an estimate for the building repairs
which pans out about ball-park figure of £400,000.

Councillor? Mr drugget?

Laura, how are things?

We've just lost a builder. What
happened to this one? Heatstroke.

I'd take it with a
pinch of salt, Laura.

One said his lunch-box
burnt his crotch!

Shall I check? Wiser to
keep out, I think, Laura.

These people are very touchy. Down tools if you
dare talk to them. I promised I'd keep away.

Anyway...

Gordon, I'm a little
puzzled by question 98. I...

Oh, Laura, you're back. Yes.

How was London? Fine, how was the
party? How was it? You had the veal.

You weren't there! If you want
to contribute, I can work it all out.

You gave her a present?
Yes. What? I didn't get to see it.

They gave her towels, Laura. Rather
a successful do. You and I missed out.

Yes, we did. What are you doing
here? Can I explain a little later?

I look forward to it.

I was going to tell you.

-Oh, yes!
-I know how you feel.

Do you want to be brittas?

-He's done something with his life!
-That's good?

Better than being a
pool attendant all my life!

-It's ok for me, is it?
-I didn't say that!

-You didn't have to.
-If you don't try, you go nowhere.

-You've been listening to him!
-Tim.

Just because I didn't
go to public school!

It's nothing to do
with public school!

Tim. Don't touch me!

I'm not going to argue about
this. I've got a badminton class.

Look at this!

We've bought a
tie! Put that back.

Jumping the gun a bit.
Hello, what are these?

"Leadership".

"Resources in the
leisure industry".

"Say hello to success"!
Have you read it?

-Library books.
-Ex libris, Gordon brittas.

"Remember, my door is always
open to a fellow worker for the dream.

"N.b. Please return
by 9.30, Monday".

Be careful with
that! Chapter three.

"If you can dream
it, you can do it".

-Stop!
-I want to dream!

Give that to me!

Ah, young love (!)

Don't you think we ought to
stop them? No, let's watch.

Ģ I know you feel these unexplained burnings
are something more than just bad luck.

It may be possible that we've
disturbed an ancient burial site.

I suggest we wait until the
exorcist arrives, and then we'll know.

With no more
shocks or surprises.

Carole, about this party.
Yes? Just one or two questions.

If you'd just excuse
me a moment.

Yes? Never mind.

Linda!

Who organised this
party? Nobody. Nobody?

There wasn't a party, we had to say there was.
Whose idea was that? Michael's. Why? I don't know.

Covering up for something.
You know what he's like!

Sorry, Carole, I'm
going to need that.

Come on! Mind out of the way!

Linda!

Ģ sorry, I have to be
firm. What's going on?

He lied! I went to
an evening class!

Liar!

You have to tell lies sometimes!

He's got a point. What?

I've been thinking. How can
you not tell lies in a relationship?

If we told our partners everything, most relationships
wouldn't last ten minutes. We'd all be divorced...

Hello.

All those who went to the party,
up to my office, please. Chop! Chop!

Helen?

Weren't you at the party?
Oh, I didn't think you'd...

..You'd... yes.

My suspicions were aroused by this
present you apparently gave Carole.

If I could thank
you all once again.

A present which Linda described
as being wrapped in a small box,

but turned out
to be bath towels.

I'll explain... Can you explain why
Farrell was unable to see the present

because he was round
a corner, out of sight.

You said you were
seated at a circular table.

I think I can... Stop, Tim,
I phoned the restaurant.

God!

It's not going to work. What?

This attempt to convince
me there was no party.

I have no need to feel hurt. I
appreciate your efforts, mr brittas.

Sit down. I have no alternative
but to tender my resignation.

One more squeak,
and you're fired. Right.

The manager mentioned a couple
who booked in under the name of Smith.

He was a tall, good-looking
man with dark hair.

She was a fluffy blonde who talked
a lot and spilt wine down her front.

You've all been lying
to me. Except me.

Not now, Gavin. And the
one who started all the lies...

..Was you!

Now, why would my wife,

who would never do a
dishonest deed in her life,

suddenly do something like this?

The answer is bound up with
the mystery man in the restaurant.

Tall, good-looking, dark hair.

Who fits that
description? I don't know!

I think we do. I swear on
my... It was Farrell, wasn't it?

Who? Michael t
Farrell the third.

Michael? The same. Of course!

He's tall, good-looking...
With dark hair! Who else?

Yes?

Have you any idea
who the woman was?

That we shall probably never know, but in the final
analysis, that is not important. What matters...

I'm innocent!

Course you are, my darling.
What else could you be?

It's all sorted,
then? Not quite!

I still want to know why my staff
and my wife have been lying to me.

And I think the answer
is just outside this door.

Mr Farrell, step
this way, please.

Almost finished, Gordon.
Just 33 more to go.

Something going on?

Something has been
going on, as you put it.

Your dabblings in the honey pot
have finally come home to roost. Oh?

Michael t Farrell the
third, I put it to you:

This business of the party is just
an attempt to cover up the truth.

You were dining with a lady with
whom you were having an affair,

a fact you wanted to
keep from your wife, Laura.

What have you
got to say, Farrell?

What can I say, Gordon?

You got me.

I can't believe it,
Michael. It's true!

I don't mean the miss
marple bit. I mean the job.

Well, I won't get that now.

You applied. They can't
take that away from you.

We'll get this framed. Thanks.

"Number 87. Apart from the potential for spiritual
growth analysed in questions 15 through 67,

"what would be your satisfaction
in working for whitbury leisure?

"I'd like to spend more
time with my wife."

Is that true?

Kind of.

Oh, Michael.

Well, that could be
happening soon, anyway.

I'm afraid I wasn't that honest
about my trip to London, either. No?

I was actually seeing our old
family doctor, and he was very...

..Positive.

Positive?

Does... does this mean that...?

Say hello to Barney.

Hello, Barney.

You're gonna be one rich bunny!

Sorry, my darling. Rather longer
than two minutes. Never mind.

I had to complain
about the builders.

Have you seen them?

They've been sitting in that Van
for three hours. Pretty depressing.

Oh, Gordon, isn't it
a lovely day? Is it?

Look, over there.

She trusts him
completely, doesn't she?

If only she knew. Well...

Someone ought to tell her. Perhaps
I'll pop round on some pretext.

I don't think I would, Gordon.
No? What good would it do?

It would finish her marriage and destroy her faith
in human nature, but she'd know where she stood.

It seems an awful shame.
It's not that important.

Not important? He's
been unfaithful, Helen.

Yes, but I think with some people, in some cases, that
sort of thing doesn't mean as much as you'd think.

But she loves him, and
he doesn't deserve it.

Perhaps that's when
you need it most.

When you don't deserve it.

Helen brittas, you've
gone and done it again!

What?

I think I know your every move,
and suddenly you surprise me again.

You've been thinking.

Well...

All right, I won't tell her. His
secret is safe with me. It's best.

Come on!