The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 5, Episode 3 - Brussels Calling - full transcript
Now Gordon is in Brussels, making a hotel manager's life hell and hoping for an EU post. Everybody expected Laura to run the center better than Gordon but it all goes as wrong as usual. There's a rat plague that only Ben's flute can control. Colin monumentally misunderstands Gordon's order to kill some grass. Tim grudgingly plays clown at a birthday party for the son of Graham Furber, the teacher Helen nearly 'accidentally' ran over with her car in his classroom. But Julie calls in an ex, ruthless lawyer John Rawlinson, who flirts with willing Helen.
Laura? Yes, it's me.
I had a thought
during the night.
Do you know the four things to keep
in mind if you run a leisure centre?
It's quite easy to remember.
It's people, people, people...
You're right,
there's a fourth one.
Knock on door hang on. Come in.
One minute, Laura.
About breakfast. One - I ordered
weetabix, this is shredded wheat. Monsieur?
Ici, c'est le wheat shredded.
Ce n'est pas le bix weeta.
Deux. J'ai demande
bread. That's a bun.
All right?
Laura?
Why do people laugh at the
Belgians? They're not that bad!
A bit dull, perhaps. Door slams
there was one thing.
Have you heard from Helen?
I rang her last night, to say I was
back from dinner... At about 3.00am.
No reply!
Yes, it is puzzling, isn't it? I
phoned back at four o'clock.
Let it ring 20
minutes... nothing!
If you'd be so kind.
If I don't speak to you
before the interview...
But if you don't, I hope
it goes well. Ok. Bye.
Morning. Sorry. We got up
late. How was the holiday?
Not so bad.
Where did you go?
We visited Colin.
You didn't eat anything? No.
They think it was tea that
caused the trouble. Did they?
Poor Colin had hit his head on a lawn mower
and must have used the wrong tea caddy.
Keep going, Carole.
In the other tin, are herbs that
can paralyse parts of the body.
In case he needs to
Lance a boil, or something.
And, we had two mugs of it.
Phone rings
yes, mr brittas. Weeds on
the back path? What else?
Lavatory paper? Ok. So, I'll think
weeds, people and lavatory paper.
Oh, Carole wants a
word with you. Yes... right.
Hello, mr brittas. Yes,
just a few notes for you.
The first one says, "I know where
you live, and I'm going to get you".
And the others, er, are
probably by the same people.
Let's skip the others. Yes, it
looks like mr redwood again.
Shall I call the police? Did they?
Well, I won't bother. Ok. Right.
The man wants to know where you
want the dustbins. Thank you, Julie.
Has he got the job? The
interview's this morning.
Maybe I should go to
church and light a candle.
When I went, they'd
nearly all gone!
Gavin?
No chance!
You know I'm lousy with
kids. True, but it's your turn.
The dustbin strike is over!
They've given in? Well...
But didn't they have to pick
up that malteser wrapper first?
As it happens, Linda, the wrapper
has mysteriously disappeared.
They've left us some dustbins,
and will come back later for the rest.
Ready for the party?
Well... Tim, it is your turn.
Wear the costume and give
out the hats, but no badges!
Oh, it's just a little misprint.
It doesn't help the centre, having
'I've farted with mr jolly' badges!
I wear mine. I rest my case.
Sorry I'm late. I was delayed
at the hospital. It's ok, Colin.
I had one last stomach pump.
Interestingly, it produced a sixpence
that I haven't seen since the '70s.
We'll talk about it
later, Colin. Ok. Let's go!
With mr brittas away, we
may have some customers.
Any news? Nothing definite. I
hope he gets it. It's important to him.
It's important to us all!
Hello! Could I have a word?
I am a bit busy.
Just a joke!
Phone rings you speak
to mr brittas, Colin.
Mr brittas. How very nice to
hear from you. It's Colin, mr brittas.
Toilet cleaner!
I'm on my way.
Mrs Farrell? Yes.
Mrs brittas was arrested
last night, on a serious charge.
Helen?
We felt she should
be with someone.
She has to return to the station
at 4.00 for further questions. I see.
Would you mind? Of course not.
Thank you.
What have you done?
No problem, mr brittas. I've
done a quick squirt in each bowl.
Which way do you want me
to go now, mr brittas? Right.
Right you are, mr brittas.
Straight down the corridor,
and through the door at the end.
What do you mean,
there's a wall? It's a fire door.
Just go through it.
Knock on door come in!
Monsieur?
One moment, Colin.
I ordered shoe
cleaning materials.
If I order shoe cleaning materials, I expect
a soft cloth, wax shoe Polish and two brushes.
This is a silicone substitute,
which gives a cosmetic shine,
clogs the leather, so it can't breathe.
All right?!
Colin. Still there?
Have you gone through the
door? Look down at your feet, Colin.
What do you see?
Grass, mr brittas. Precisely!
It's unsightly.
So, get rid of it.
What do you mean, how?
Pulling it up by hand
might take a while.
Oh, good idea. Leave it to me.
Weedkiller, it shall be!
Attempted murder?!
Yes.
I can't believe it. Who? Head of
English at Jonathan's comprehensive.
You tried to kill a teacher? I
didn't try to kill him, my foot slipped.
I was going home after parents'
evening. I put the car in gear,
and backed into his
classroom. Through a wall?!
Both walls.
Was he hurt? No! He
swung up on a light fitting!
He has a limp, where
the roof rack hit him.
You can't call that
attempted murder!
Oh, Helen. It was
a slight accident.
That's why mr brittas couldn't
reach you. Does he know?
He'll have to be told. Why?
It's attempted murder!
You have to tell him!
'No, she doesn't.'
Julie? 'She needs
a lawyer, not brittas.'
Julie, will you
turn that thing off?
You need John rawlinson.
Remember my last boyfriend?
The car thief? Yeah. Well, he
got him off. Three times in a row!
Guilty as hell. But he
finds these loopholes.
Julie, please! No, no!
How do I got hold of
him? I'll give him a call.
Phone rings yes?
Mr brittas.
You've heard about the car crash.
Maybe she should explain herself...
..When she comes in.
Nothing serious. Just
a man with a limp now.
Wait till I get
another crack at him.
Excuse me? Just a moment.
I've told them
about eating in bed!
Welcome to the whitbury new
town leisure centre. Can I help you?
Where's the party.
Party? My son's.
Sorry! Washing day puts
me in a tizz. And you are?
Mr furber. Can I go to the pool?
Of course you can... Once
you sign this injury disclaimer,
promise to abide
by our noise code,
and sign a medical form. We're
stamping down on verrucas.
Good morning.
-Can I help you?
-John rawlinson. For Julie.
I'll see if she's there.
Hello, Julie. I've a mr
rawlinson in recep...
Yes? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
She'll be right down. Thank you.
That's the trouble
with holidays. Sorry?
All the washing
when you get back.
Thanks for coming.
She's up here.
How do you do all this as
well as stripping at the pub?
Excuse me. Your
manager, mr brittas.
Is he related to
mrs Helen brittas?
She's upstairs if you
want her. Eugh! No, no.
Your mr jolly certificate.
Have a nice day!
Excuse me. Welcome to the
centre. Can I help you, young man?
I got this from the machine. Oh!
Someone's chewed it. I wonder who.
This is Helen
brittas. Take a seat.
Thank you, Julie. I don't know
what Julie told you on the phone.
That if I wasn't here in 20 minutes,
my Mercedes would be torched.
And wouldn't it be a pity if
someone was inside it, too.
I think it was a joke, though
one can never be sure with Julie.
Mrs brittas is charged
with a serious offence.
In broad outl... Phone rings
yes. Mr brittas. Yes.
Yes, yes. Right.
He's starting his interviews. Can we
not ring him for the next two hours?
Have we met before?
I don't think so. Sorry.
Mrs brittas was in custody last
night, accused of attempted murder.
I've got it! Didn't you give birth to
twins outside the building society?
You weren't there?! You asked
me to kill the man in the blazer.
Can we get back to the
case in hand? I'm sorry.
My fault. Tell me all
about it. It was Jonathan's...
We've got a rat! What?
It was in the snacks
machine. Agh!
Good god! Sorry to interrupt!
There are two more in the kitchen.
One jumped out on mrs delgado.
She's gone. So, who's
cooking the birthday lunch?
I have to sort this out. I'll
be back soon. Come on.
You were actually there?
Sorry? In the high street.
I must have looked awful!
You looked wonderful.
That's how they get in.
Get a ladder. What for?
By taking bags off the top, we limit
it to rats who can jump 10ft. Right.
There's more in
the changing rooms.
What? Rats! Fighting
over a corn plaster!
The really bad news
is the one in the pool.
Oh, god!
Can't they take it out?
Weil's disease, Gavin!
We'll have to empty the pool, scrub
it, and refill it. Five days minimum.
So much for a quiet day. I
wonder What'll happen next! Colin!
Ah, Laura. You're wearing
pyjamas?! Protective clothing, Laura.
A burst gasket has soaked
me with potassium chlorate.
Why the weedkiller? I have
to get rid of all that grass.
The cricket pitch?!
Mr brittas said it was
unsightly and had to go.
He meant the path on the
other side - the unsightly weeds!
He was very definite. One drop on there
and you'll have more than a burst gasket.
I can see how he feels!
I know it would cost money, but I
believe every child has the right,
the fundamental right,
to a foundation course in
trampolining before they're 12.
Now, I may only be a simple
leisure centre manager.
But I have a dream.
Phone rings excuse
me one moment, please.
Brittas.
What is it, Colin?
Yes, I meant the path. Why would
I want you to ruin the cricket pitch?
Get rid of anything left over.
The weedkiller, Colin.
I'm a tad concerned that a
small child might get hold of it.
Sorry about that. Where were we?
Mr brittas...
Ah, ah, ah. The chap
from Portugal was first.
I'm sorry about the pool,
but it won't spoil the party.
Mr jolly's pixies have put
up a trampoline in the gym.
There will be lots of games.
-Why can't we swim?
-Weil's disease.
What? Tim! Causes brain
damage, spinal paralysis, blindness.
Take them to the
gym! I was only...
Now! Ok. Follow me, everyone.
Mr jolly! If you remember...
..They won't do anything
unless you use your hooter.
Toot-toot! Come on,
everyone, this way.
If one of you comes to my office
before you go, I'll arrange a refund.
I'm sorry.
It's her, you know. Who?
Mrs brittas.
She's behind all this. Trying to
make you say it was an accident.
That's ridiculous. It's coincidence.
I found this in your case.
With eight kids you'll
need two of those. Oh, right.
Oh! The cake needs icing.
I think I can manage.
As long as I can
find some icing sugar.
Aha!
You're a star!
See you later.
Oh, no.
Ahhh.
Phone rings
hello?
Hello, mr brittas.
I think I'll cope.
It's only the cake. I thought
I might use sparklers.
If the rats have
left me any sugar.
No, but they've
nibbled the corner...
Throw it away... Immediately.
All of it.
Right, mr brittas.
Pool's closed. Something's gnawed
through a cable in the multi-gym.
No snacks machine. And no saunas
a rat has died on the hot coals.
Goodness, it's
funny isn't it? What?
Instead of being different with
mr brittas away, it's the same.
Haven't you got
work to do? I'm sorry.
God, I sound like him.
I've had a worrying call
from mr brittas. What now?
There's rats in the
building. Oh, that.
Have you a yellow
pages? Of course.
Now then... Top of page
15. Watch out for the f sharp.
Recorder plays I
have a dilemma here.
We must get rid
of the little chaps.
But, one wouldn't
like to hurt them.
God's creatures have
as much right to life as us.
Ideally, I want a
rodent operative
to capture them humanely
and release them into the wild.
Recorder still plays
Colin, what's happening?
I'm not sure,
but this may
answer our problems.
Ok. Rat man's coming later.
The pool will be emptied at 1.00.
Electrician's coming at
4.00. And, the gala's off!
Nice it's going so well!
What's the matter with the place?
If I was Colin I'd think we're cursed.
Phone rings it's like
an invisible force.
Hello... I'll tell him
you're still stuck in the lift.
Yeah.
Sorry to be so long. It
got quite complicated.
All right? Yes, fine. I
dropped something.
What have you decided? How
do you mean? About the case?
Well, um, yes. We've been
talking about that, and, er...
-..You're right. It is serious.
-Is it?
-But not impossible. Ideally, you wouldn't have confessed.
-What was I doing?
We do have things
going for us. What?
For a start, he was a teacher,
so the jury will be on our side. And, um...
More importantly, there were no witnesses.
No, I made sure.
John rawlinson: It's
just this man, furber.
So, if we find a way to
get to him. Get to him?
I think Helen wants
his legs broken.
Not necessarily his legs...
-Maybe something less obvious first.
-He's an English teacher, not pe.
There are other pressures we
can bring to bear. If they don't work...
Then we break his legs!
If I'm right, Carole,
we'll not only get the rats out
but, I'll have them in their
natural habitat by teatime.
Good.
Give us the one about
the tin soldiers, Ben.
Recorder plays
Toot toot! Sit down!
Five with fruit, two without.
The runny nose wants a banana.
A banana?
Kids! We're well out of it!
How's it going? Brilliant(!)
Mum's sobbing. Dad
wants everyone to go home.
And birthday boy
liked the last mr jolly!
Did he?
Phone rings all I need now is...
Mr brittas. It's for you.
Gavin? How's it going?
I'm in a rush myself, Gavin.
This cake you're making -
you said sparklers, didn't you?
No, it's not a bad idea, Gavin.
You need to be aware
of potential fire hazards.
Keep the noise down,
please. Rather important call.
Check there's two
fire extinguishers.
Quick! I have to reply to a
vote of thanks in a minute.
Good. A fire blanket
by the cooker.
Two fire buckets
in the corridor.
One fire bucket. I don't
know where the other is.
Colin took it. What?
To mix his weedkiller.
Did you hear that, mr brittas?
I'm serving jelly just now.
He's going to ask someone else.
Phone rings
hello. Mr brittas... I
was having a shower.
A fire bucket. By
the emergency exit.
Immediately? But...
Right.
Colin! Did you take a
fire bucket? I did. I was...
It ought to be
back in the corridor.
Are they your pyjamas?
I had to put them in here.
On the open tip, an animal
might eat them and die.
They are rather soaked
in potassium chlorate.
You won't forget the fire bucket?
I'll bring it back when it's empty.
Phone rings
hello. Mr brittas.
Yes, yes, I've got it.
Fill it with sand. Right.
Oh, I'll have a look.
There is. As a matter of fact.
Keep the lid on. The
contents are poisonous.
Speak up, Linda.
Monsieur Gordon brittas!
Be with you in one moment.
All right?
Empty it down the toilet.
I haven't much time. Go to the
ladies, and pour it down the pan.
Can I use the gents?
Do it, Linda!
Sorry about that.
Monsieur le president,
monsignor, mesdames,
messieurs, fellow Europeans.
J'ai une reeve -
une reeve que une jour
tout le monda... Sera
as one.
He screams
ok. We have a three-pronged
defence. One - the physiological factors.
-You did say you're on medication?
-Most sorts, I think.
Second - that this was
spur of the moment,
-an unpremeditated act of passion.
-I'll burn the drawings.
And three - we point out
the extreme provocation.
That sounds wonderful,
John. It really does.
What was it? I'm sorry?
The extreme provocation? You said
he'd undermarked your son in English.
All term. Not one decent
Mark ever. That's it?
I spent two days on his
last essay. What did he get?
A 'd'. And "had he read the
book?". Of course I read the book!
You drove a car at
him for giving you a 'd'.
This is exam work. Much more
of this, and he'll fail his gcse.
You don't kill people for bad marks in English! Have
you any idea what it's like getting a job these days?!
Ladies, please! We're
missing the point here.
The rights and wrongs of the case
are not important. Not important!
What matters is that nothing happens
to her now. Luckily, he wasn't injured.
Someone's been bitten
on the bottom, now.
By a toilet full of rats.
And, the party's off.
There's eight kids crying
downstairs. Excuse me.
It's like he's never gone.
She's right.
-I'm sorry?
-I shouldn't have done it, should I?
Maybe not.
So, what do we do now?
Go to the hotel, for
a jolly good lunch?
-I'm afraid I'm not hungry.
-We could just go to the hotel?
Yes, all right.
My cake! What are you doing?
They've gone. Nobody wants it!
I went in with a xylophone to play
happy birthday, and nobody's there.
But why? I don't know. Has
there been a bomb warning (?)
It's brittas. I know it.
He's managed this 300
miles away! Sorry, Laura.
We'll be lucky if that's all he's
done. What's he told Colin to do?
Apart from putting weedkiller
on the cricket pitch? Apart from...
Colin had 30 bags of weedkiller by
the exit, and they've gone. Where?
He threw them away. Mr brittas
said to. Which explains the fire bucket.
He threw them away! Where?
In a bin. I saw it when I took round
the icing sugar. What icing sugar?
Gavin rang from the kitchen to
borrow some and I had a spare packet.
He's got a cupboard full of it. The rats
ate that. Brittas told him to throw it away.
He put weedkiller...
..Sugar...
..He couldn't have... could he?
You've got to give
in, Graham. No!
Tell the police it was a mistake.
That woman tried to kill me!
She won't stop trying,
until you give in?
Away from here,
she can't touch us.
Boom! What was that?
I told you, and
you wouldn't listen.
Quick! In the car!
Phone rings
brittas.
Helen! I've been
trying to ring you all day.
What's this about you driving
into a classroom last night?
I heard someone's
pressing charges.
They've withdrawn them?
Excellent news!
What sort of a day have you had?
You certainly sound
cheerful enough, my darling.
With a friend, in a
hotel. That's nice.
Not so badly, my love.
Bookies still have
me as favourite.
Fingers crossed, eh?
Final interview in the morning.
All right, my love.
Oh, Helen. Just one thing.
How did it go at
my centre today?
I had a thought
during the night.
Do you know the four things to keep
in mind if you run a leisure centre?
It's quite easy to remember.
It's people, people, people...
You're right,
there's a fourth one.
Knock on door hang on. Come in.
One minute, Laura.
About breakfast. One - I ordered
weetabix, this is shredded wheat. Monsieur?
Ici, c'est le wheat shredded.
Ce n'est pas le bix weeta.
Deux. J'ai demande
bread. That's a bun.
All right?
Laura?
Why do people laugh at the
Belgians? They're not that bad!
A bit dull, perhaps. Door slams
there was one thing.
Have you heard from Helen?
I rang her last night, to say I was
back from dinner... At about 3.00am.
No reply!
Yes, it is puzzling, isn't it? I
phoned back at four o'clock.
Let it ring 20
minutes... nothing!
If you'd be so kind.
If I don't speak to you
before the interview...
But if you don't, I hope
it goes well. Ok. Bye.
Morning. Sorry. We got up
late. How was the holiday?
Not so bad.
Where did you go?
We visited Colin.
You didn't eat anything? No.
They think it was tea that
caused the trouble. Did they?
Poor Colin had hit his head on a lawn mower
and must have used the wrong tea caddy.
Keep going, Carole.
In the other tin, are herbs that
can paralyse parts of the body.
In case he needs to
Lance a boil, or something.
And, we had two mugs of it.
Phone rings
yes, mr brittas. Weeds on
the back path? What else?
Lavatory paper? Ok. So, I'll think
weeds, people and lavatory paper.
Oh, Carole wants a
word with you. Yes... right.
Hello, mr brittas. Yes,
just a few notes for you.
The first one says, "I know where
you live, and I'm going to get you".
And the others, er, are
probably by the same people.
Let's skip the others. Yes, it
looks like mr redwood again.
Shall I call the police? Did they?
Well, I won't bother. Ok. Right.
The man wants to know where you
want the dustbins. Thank you, Julie.
Has he got the job? The
interview's this morning.
Maybe I should go to
church and light a candle.
When I went, they'd
nearly all gone!
Gavin?
No chance!
You know I'm lousy with
kids. True, but it's your turn.
The dustbin strike is over!
They've given in? Well...
But didn't they have to pick
up that malteser wrapper first?
As it happens, Linda, the wrapper
has mysteriously disappeared.
They've left us some dustbins,
and will come back later for the rest.
Ready for the party?
Well... Tim, it is your turn.
Wear the costume and give
out the hats, but no badges!
Oh, it's just a little misprint.
It doesn't help the centre, having
'I've farted with mr jolly' badges!
I wear mine. I rest my case.
Sorry I'm late. I was delayed
at the hospital. It's ok, Colin.
I had one last stomach pump.
Interestingly, it produced a sixpence
that I haven't seen since the '70s.
We'll talk about it
later, Colin. Ok. Let's go!
With mr brittas away, we
may have some customers.
Any news? Nothing definite. I
hope he gets it. It's important to him.
It's important to us all!
Hello! Could I have a word?
I am a bit busy.
Just a joke!
Phone rings you speak
to mr brittas, Colin.
Mr brittas. How very nice to
hear from you. It's Colin, mr brittas.
Toilet cleaner!
I'm on my way.
Mrs Farrell? Yes.
Mrs brittas was arrested
last night, on a serious charge.
Helen?
We felt she should
be with someone.
She has to return to the station
at 4.00 for further questions. I see.
Would you mind? Of course not.
Thank you.
What have you done?
No problem, mr brittas. I've
done a quick squirt in each bowl.
Which way do you want me
to go now, mr brittas? Right.
Right you are, mr brittas.
Straight down the corridor,
and through the door at the end.
What do you mean,
there's a wall? It's a fire door.
Just go through it.
Knock on door come in!
Monsieur?
One moment, Colin.
I ordered shoe
cleaning materials.
If I order shoe cleaning materials, I expect
a soft cloth, wax shoe Polish and two brushes.
This is a silicone substitute,
which gives a cosmetic shine,
clogs the leather, so it can't breathe.
All right?!
Colin. Still there?
Have you gone through the
door? Look down at your feet, Colin.
What do you see?
Grass, mr brittas. Precisely!
It's unsightly.
So, get rid of it.
What do you mean, how?
Pulling it up by hand
might take a while.
Oh, good idea. Leave it to me.
Weedkiller, it shall be!
Attempted murder?!
Yes.
I can't believe it. Who? Head of
English at Jonathan's comprehensive.
You tried to kill a teacher? I
didn't try to kill him, my foot slipped.
I was going home after parents'
evening. I put the car in gear,
and backed into his
classroom. Through a wall?!
Both walls.
Was he hurt? No! He
swung up on a light fitting!
He has a limp, where
the roof rack hit him.
You can't call that
attempted murder!
Oh, Helen. It was
a slight accident.
That's why mr brittas couldn't
reach you. Does he know?
He'll have to be told. Why?
It's attempted murder!
You have to tell him!
'No, she doesn't.'
Julie? 'She needs
a lawyer, not brittas.'
Julie, will you
turn that thing off?
You need John rawlinson.
Remember my last boyfriend?
The car thief? Yeah. Well, he
got him off. Three times in a row!
Guilty as hell. But he
finds these loopholes.
Julie, please! No, no!
How do I got hold of
him? I'll give him a call.
Phone rings yes?
Mr brittas.
You've heard about the car crash.
Maybe she should explain herself...
..When she comes in.
Nothing serious. Just
a man with a limp now.
Wait till I get
another crack at him.
Excuse me? Just a moment.
I've told them
about eating in bed!
Welcome to the whitbury new
town leisure centre. Can I help you?
Where's the party.
Party? My son's.
Sorry! Washing day puts
me in a tizz. And you are?
Mr furber. Can I go to the pool?
Of course you can... Once
you sign this injury disclaimer,
promise to abide
by our noise code,
and sign a medical form. We're
stamping down on verrucas.
Good morning.
-Can I help you?
-John rawlinson. For Julie.
I'll see if she's there.
Hello, Julie. I've a mr
rawlinson in recep...
Yes? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
She'll be right down. Thank you.
That's the trouble
with holidays. Sorry?
All the washing
when you get back.
Thanks for coming.
She's up here.
How do you do all this as
well as stripping at the pub?
Excuse me. Your
manager, mr brittas.
Is he related to
mrs Helen brittas?
She's upstairs if you
want her. Eugh! No, no.
Your mr jolly certificate.
Have a nice day!
Excuse me. Welcome to the
centre. Can I help you, young man?
I got this from the machine. Oh!
Someone's chewed it. I wonder who.
This is Helen
brittas. Take a seat.
Thank you, Julie. I don't know
what Julie told you on the phone.
That if I wasn't here in 20 minutes,
my Mercedes would be torched.
And wouldn't it be a pity if
someone was inside it, too.
I think it was a joke, though
one can never be sure with Julie.
Mrs brittas is charged
with a serious offence.
In broad outl... Phone rings
yes. Mr brittas. Yes.
Yes, yes. Right.
He's starting his interviews. Can we
not ring him for the next two hours?
Have we met before?
I don't think so. Sorry.
Mrs brittas was in custody last
night, accused of attempted murder.
I've got it! Didn't you give birth to
twins outside the building society?
You weren't there?! You asked
me to kill the man in the blazer.
Can we get back to the
case in hand? I'm sorry.
My fault. Tell me all
about it. It was Jonathan's...
We've got a rat! What?
It was in the snacks
machine. Agh!
Good god! Sorry to interrupt!
There are two more in the kitchen.
One jumped out on mrs delgado.
She's gone. So, who's
cooking the birthday lunch?
I have to sort this out. I'll
be back soon. Come on.
You were actually there?
Sorry? In the high street.
I must have looked awful!
You looked wonderful.
That's how they get in.
Get a ladder. What for?
By taking bags off the top, we limit
it to rats who can jump 10ft. Right.
There's more in
the changing rooms.
What? Rats! Fighting
over a corn plaster!
The really bad news
is the one in the pool.
Oh, god!
Can't they take it out?
Weil's disease, Gavin!
We'll have to empty the pool, scrub
it, and refill it. Five days minimum.
So much for a quiet day. I
wonder What'll happen next! Colin!
Ah, Laura. You're wearing
pyjamas?! Protective clothing, Laura.
A burst gasket has soaked
me with potassium chlorate.
Why the weedkiller? I have
to get rid of all that grass.
The cricket pitch?!
Mr brittas said it was
unsightly and had to go.
He meant the path on the
other side - the unsightly weeds!
He was very definite. One drop on there
and you'll have more than a burst gasket.
I can see how he feels!
I know it would cost money, but I
believe every child has the right,
the fundamental right,
to a foundation course in
trampolining before they're 12.
Now, I may only be a simple
leisure centre manager.
But I have a dream.
Phone rings excuse
me one moment, please.
Brittas.
What is it, Colin?
Yes, I meant the path. Why would
I want you to ruin the cricket pitch?
Get rid of anything left over.
The weedkiller, Colin.
I'm a tad concerned that a
small child might get hold of it.
Sorry about that. Where were we?
Mr brittas...
Ah, ah, ah. The chap
from Portugal was first.
I'm sorry about the pool,
but it won't spoil the party.
Mr jolly's pixies have put
up a trampoline in the gym.
There will be lots of games.
-Why can't we swim?
-Weil's disease.
What? Tim! Causes brain
damage, spinal paralysis, blindness.
Take them to the
gym! I was only...
Now! Ok. Follow me, everyone.
Mr jolly! If you remember...
..They won't do anything
unless you use your hooter.
Toot-toot! Come on,
everyone, this way.
If one of you comes to my office
before you go, I'll arrange a refund.
I'm sorry.
It's her, you know. Who?
Mrs brittas.
She's behind all this. Trying to
make you say it was an accident.
That's ridiculous. It's coincidence.
I found this in your case.
With eight kids you'll
need two of those. Oh, right.
Oh! The cake needs icing.
I think I can manage.
As long as I can
find some icing sugar.
Aha!
You're a star!
See you later.
Oh, no.
Ahhh.
Phone rings
hello?
Hello, mr brittas.
I think I'll cope.
It's only the cake. I thought
I might use sparklers.
If the rats have
left me any sugar.
No, but they've
nibbled the corner...
Throw it away... Immediately.
All of it.
Right, mr brittas.
Pool's closed. Something's gnawed
through a cable in the multi-gym.
No snacks machine. And no saunas
a rat has died on the hot coals.
Goodness, it's
funny isn't it? What?
Instead of being different with
mr brittas away, it's the same.
Haven't you got
work to do? I'm sorry.
God, I sound like him.
I've had a worrying call
from mr brittas. What now?
There's rats in the
building. Oh, that.
Have you a yellow
pages? Of course.
Now then... Top of page
15. Watch out for the f sharp.
Recorder plays I
have a dilemma here.
We must get rid
of the little chaps.
But, one wouldn't
like to hurt them.
God's creatures have
as much right to life as us.
Ideally, I want a
rodent operative
to capture them humanely
and release them into the wild.
Recorder still plays
Colin, what's happening?
I'm not sure,
but this may
answer our problems.
Ok. Rat man's coming later.
The pool will be emptied at 1.00.
Electrician's coming at
4.00. And, the gala's off!
Nice it's going so well!
What's the matter with the place?
If I was Colin I'd think we're cursed.
Phone rings it's like
an invisible force.
Hello... I'll tell him
you're still stuck in the lift.
Yeah.
Sorry to be so long. It
got quite complicated.
All right? Yes, fine. I
dropped something.
What have you decided? How
do you mean? About the case?
Well, um, yes. We've been
talking about that, and, er...
-..You're right. It is serious.
-Is it?
-But not impossible. Ideally, you wouldn't have confessed.
-What was I doing?
We do have things
going for us. What?
For a start, he was a teacher,
so the jury will be on our side. And, um...
More importantly, there were no witnesses.
No, I made sure.
John rawlinson: It's
just this man, furber.
So, if we find a way to
get to him. Get to him?
I think Helen wants
his legs broken.
Not necessarily his legs...
-Maybe something less obvious first.
-He's an English teacher, not pe.
There are other pressures we
can bring to bear. If they don't work...
Then we break his legs!
If I'm right, Carole,
we'll not only get the rats out
but, I'll have them in their
natural habitat by teatime.
Good.
Give us the one about
the tin soldiers, Ben.
Recorder plays
Toot toot! Sit down!
Five with fruit, two without.
The runny nose wants a banana.
A banana?
Kids! We're well out of it!
How's it going? Brilliant(!)
Mum's sobbing. Dad
wants everyone to go home.
And birthday boy
liked the last mr jolly!
Did he?
Phone rings all I need now is...
Mr brittas. It's for you.
Gavin? How's it going?
I'm in a rush myself, Gavin.
This cake you're making -
you said sparklers, didn't you?
No, it's not a bad idea, Gavin.
You need to be aware
of potential fire hazards.
Keep the noise down,
please. Rather important call.
Check there's two
fire extinguishers.
Quick! I have to reply to a
vote of thanks in a minute.
Good. A fire blanket
by the cooker.
Two fire buckets
in the corridor.
One fire bucket. I don't
know where the other is.
Colin took it. What?
To mix his weedkiller.
Did you hear that, mr brittas?
I'm serving jelly just now.
He's going to ask someone else.
Phone rings
hello. Mr brittas... I
was having a shower.
A fire bucket. By
the emergency exit.
Immediately? But...
Right.
Colin! Did you take a
fire bucket? I did. I was...
It ought to be
back in the corridor.
Are they your pyjamas?
I had to put them in here.
On the open tip, an animal
might eat them and die.
They are rather soaked
in potassium chlorate.
You won't forget the fire bucket?
I'll bring it back when it's empty.
Phone rings
hello. Mr brittas.
Yes, yes, I've got it.
Fill it with sand. Right.
Oh, I'll have a look.
There is. As a matter of fact.
Keep the lid on. The
contents are poisonous.
Speak up, Linda.
Monsieur Gordon brittas!
Be with you in one moment.
All right?
Empty it down the toilet.
I haven't much time. Go to the
ladies, and pour it down the pan.
Can I use the gents?
Do it, Linda!
Sorry about that.
Monsieur le president,
monsignor, mesdames,
messieurs, fellow Europeans.
J'ai une reeve -
une reeve que une jour
tout le monda... Sera
as one.
He screams
ok. We have a three-pronged
defence. One - the physiological factors.
-You did say you're on medication?
-Most sorts, I think.
Second - that this was
spur of the moment,
-an unpremeditated act of passion.
-I'll burn the drawings.
And three - we point out
the extreme provocation.
That sounds wonderful,
John. It really does.
What was it? I'm sorry?
The extreme provocation? You said
he'd undermarked your son in English.
All term. Not one decent
Mark ever. That's it?
I spent two days on his
last essay. What did he get?
A 'd'. And "had he read the
book?". Of course I read the book!
You drove a car at
him for giving you a 'd'.
This is exam work. Much more
of this, and he'll fail his gcse.
You don't kill people for bad marks in English! Have
you any idea what it's like getting a job these days?!
Ladies, please! We're
missing the point here.
The rights and wrongs of the case
are not important. Not important!
What matters is that nothing happens
to her now. Luckily, he wasn't injured.
Someone's been bitten
on the bottom, now.
By a toilet full of rats.
And, the party's off.
There's eight kids crying
downstairs. Excuse me.
It's like he's never gone.
She's right.
-I'm sorry?
-I shouldn't have done it, should I?
Maybe not.
So, what do we do now?
Go to the hotel, for
a jolly good lunch?
-I'm afraid I'm not hungry.
-We could just go to the hotel?
Yes, all right.
My cake! What are you doing?
They've gone. Nobody wants it!
I went in with a xylophone to play
happy birthday, and nobody's there.
But why? I don't know. Has
there been a bomb warning (?)
It's brittas. I know it.
He's managed this 300
miles away! Sorry, Laura.
We'll be lucky if that's all he's
done. What's he told Colin to do?
Apart from putting weedkiller
on the cricket pitch? Apart from...
Colin had 30 bags of weedkiller by
the exit, and they've gone. Where?
He threw them away. Mr brittas
said to. Which explains the fire bucket.
He threw them away! Where?
In a bin. I saw it when I took round
the icing sugar. What icing sugar?
Gavin rang from the kitchen to
borrow some and I had a spare packet.
He's got a cupboard full of it. The rats
ate that. Brittas told him to throw it away.
He put weedkiller...
..Sugar...
..He couldn't have... could he?
You've got to give
in, Graham. No!
Tell the police it was a mistake.
That woman tried to kill me!
She won't stop trying,
until you give in?
Away from here,
she can't touch us.
Boom! What was that?
I told you, and
you wouldn't listen.
Quick! In the car!
Phone rings
brittas.
Helen! I've been
trying to ring you all day.
What's this about you driving
into a classroom last night?
I heard someone's
pressing charges.
They've withdrawn them?
Excellent news!
What sort of a day have you had?
You certainly sound
cheerful enough, my darling.
With a friend, in a
hotel. That's nice.
Not so badly, my love.
Bookies still have
me as favourite.
Fingers crossed, eh?
Final interview in the morning.
All right, my love.
Oh, Helen. Just one thing.
How did it go at
my centre today?