The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 5, Episode 2 - Blind Devotion - full transcript
Now Gordon is preparing to go to Brussels, he tells Gavin there may be room for a promotion for him too - if he sacks useless Colin. Alas telling Colin he's out proves heart-breaking as Colin befalls numerous problems: he is blinded; he looses his aunt, surrogate mother and all his money; finally Gordon squashes his pet canary. Still, when the eager beaver goes on lifeguard duty in the pool and fails to save anyone, including Tim, Brittas orders his dismissal typed. The staff (including the union reps, Tim and Laura) revolt.
Come on, come on!
Sir! Excuse me, sir!
Welcome to our centre!
How may I help you?
I want the pool times. 9.20 to 12.50
and 1.15 to 7.45, sir. Thank you.
One moment. Could I ask you
a question before you go? Yes?
Were you going to
use our cafeteria today?
No, I only... Is there
a reason why not?
No, as I said... would you use
it if we had vegetarian food?
No. If we provided
calorie counts?
No. Baked our own
bread on the premises?
There's no point asking me. I
was only checking pool times, ok?
Disposable cutlery...?
Please! It would
be so helpful if...
Have a nice day (!)
How is it, Carole? Mr brittas. I
want the questionnaires by 4.00.
Mr brittas, would it be
dreadful not to have quite all?
I need all 100. I cannot get
meaningful data from a smaller sample.
Gavin.
Of course.
Basement toilet's
backing up again.
Morning! Patrick taped the lid
down, but something's wrong.
Tim? Yes?
Are your questionnaires
done? Yes. Why?
No trouble getting
people to do it? Not at all.
Really? I just thought, "mr brittas needs
these forms, I must make sure he gets them."
I see.
So, what do you think?
Does this mean you're leaving
again? I'm not going, Gavin. Of course.
But someone else
might be. Right.
Someone who may be
interested in becoming a manager,
or a deputy manager,
him or her self.
Right.
You don't mean...
Oh! Right!
He laughs
I've watched you,
Gavin featherly.
Not many people
on this staff have lmp.
Leisure management potential.
But you have the attitude,
maybe even the calling. Goodness!
We'll talk at lunch. Mr brittas?
Do we have room
for another manager?
We have two - three
if you count yourself.
I can't be too specific at
this juncture in time, Gavin.
Let's just say that a vacancy
may arise in the foreseeable future.
Someone's leaving?
That I can't discuss, Gavin.
Got to be discreet
at this point.
Tell Colin to come
to my office, Carole.
I've got Tim's questionnaires
for you. Thank you, Laura.
The public all want
higher pay for pool staff!
Really?
Yes. It seems they'd be happy
to pay twice as much for the ticket
if it went straight
to the lifeguards.
Now, that does surprise me.
You want this
information, mr brittas?
It's the base for a total overhaul
of our administrative structure.
If I go to Brussels, this place
must be sharp and effective.
Oh, good. But there is one simple
change that would do more than anything.
What's that? Has it occurred to you that
most upsets here are caused by one person?
Well...
One member of the team,
Laura, who means well,
but is consistently the dead pigeon
in the jet turbines of management?
Well... and have you ever
imagined this place without him?
I have sometimes.
He has to go, Laura.
I can't have a swimming pool
manager who won't go in the water.
You're talking about Colin? Of
course I'm talking about Colin.
You're not going to fire
him? The man is dead weight.
You must do what you think best.
But you won't find
it easy. Not today.
So sorry I'm late, mr brittas.
Just to let you know
I got your message.
I'll just make an
urgent trip to the toilet.
Colin, what's happened to your
eyes? I'm afraid I've been blinded.
Still, mustn't dwell
on my problems.
I'll be as quick as I can.
Do you want a
hand, Colin? Sorry?
Oh, I see what you mean!
No! I should find it on my own!
What happened to
him? His garden blew up.
You know his organic
vegetable bed?
Seems it was built on 70 foot
of toxic waste from the '50s.
Nobody knew how much gas had built
up, until he lit the charcoal pit and...
The hospital wanted to keep
him but he came in. Why?!
He didn't want to let you down.
You told him duty comes
before personal discomfort.
I get your message, but it doesn't
change anything. He's been blinded!
So he's now medically incapable
of doing his job and incompetent!
Sorry. I'm going to fire him.
He whistles cheerfully
I shouldn't do that
if I were you, Colin.
Laura! What are
you doing in here?
This happens to
be my office, Colin.
Did I take a wrong turn?
Colin. I want to talk to you.
Right.
Colin! Stop right there!
Stay where you are!
Give me this. There we go.
Take him to the
seat, please, Laura.
I don't think you'll
need me for this bit.
Colin said the surgeon told
him he may regain his sight,
if he avoids excitement
and sudden shocks.
You'll bear that in
mind, won't you?
Don't worry, Laura. If your garden's
exploded, what can shock you?
Colin, I've been
reviewing your job.
I'm always grateful for it.
Colin... having a job gives
you a purpose... well...
You've taught me, mr
brittas, that without a purpose,
you may as well be
thrown on the scrapheap.
Can I speak? Sorry, mr brittas.
Right. I have something to say
and you're not making it easy for me.
Phone rings brittas.
..Yes. Yes, he is, Carole.
Right. All right, Carole. Bye.
Colin?
Yes? Colin...
I have to go downstairs.
Just wait here. Have a
biscuit. Thank you, mr brittas.
You can have it
back, mr furnival,
after you fill in
this. Thank you.
Phone rings
hello! How can I help?
Mrs brittas! You want
to speak to mr brittas.
Yes... a message.
"You want a...
.. "Divorce." anything else?
I'll see that he
gets it. Carole!
Helen, it's me.
Are you all right? ..Of course
not, I'd love to talk about it.
How soon can you get in?
Oh, Helen.
Have you got mrs brittas's
box? Yes, of course.
Come on. Tell me all about it.
Carole, what is it? Mr
brittas! The news for Colin?
It's his aunt. It's very sad...
Ugh!
Linda? Sorry, mr brittas.
There's all this stuff
coming out of the lavatory.
I tried flushing, but
just more of it pours out.
You know the routine for a
backed-up toilet, Linda. But...
Block the bowl, put up the sign
and get Carole to call someone.
Actually, I did try earlier...
Trying's no good! I want a trained
operative here. Now, Colin's aunt?
Oh, she died. Died?
He'll be very upset.
She brought him up after his
parents died in the combine harvester.
Yes.
The nursing home asked
you to break the news.
I better do that.
Yes, mr brittas.
I don't want to go to
Brussels, Laura. Oh.
It's awful when things go wrong here,
but if you can't speak the language...
How do I tell a doctor, "I
need stronger pills" in flemish?
You think he'll get the job? He's
sailed through four interviews.
Everyone thinks, because
of his medals, he's a hero.
You saw Jeremy paxman
with him on newsnight!
I didn't know it was going so well.
I've tried everything to stop him.
Three weeks ago, I even decided
to stop letting him... you know.
Just to show him
how upset I was.
How's that going?
It's been hell!
I've never felt so...
You meant Gordon. Yes. I don't
think he's actually noticed yet.
You have told him, have you?
How do you mean?
That you don't want to go?
You think that would help?
It might. Look, if you
like, I can have a word.
Oh, a divorce would sound
better coming from you.
No, no. I could say
you wanted a talk.
Oh.
Oh, I see. Well, give
me five minutes, eh?
Is that you, mr
brittas? Yes, Colin.
Julie kindly made some coffee.
Can I pour you one? Thank you.
It's one sugar,
isn't it, mr brittas?
Colin.
Oh, my word. That sets you up.
Colin, Carole's just given
me some news for you.
Have I won the pools? No, it's
about your aunt, mrs Witherspoon.
That's miss, actually. She never
married. I'm the nearest one to her.
Colin... is it the hiccups?
What? Last time, they lasted
a fortnight. What she suffered!
Would you shut up
and let me speak? Sorry.
The news is rather serious, I'm
afraid. More serious than hiccups?
I'm afraid it falls to me
to have to inform you...
She's died, hasn't she?
Well, yes. She has.
That's typical,
mr brittas. What?
You're trying to spare my
feelings and I'm chattering away.
I am very sorry. It's all right.
She was 93. You can't expect...
Would you have a tissue, please?
There you go.
What did I do? I'll get it.
Oi! What?
Your bird is flying
round my office!
If it leaves, it
won't come back.
Shut the door!
Did it get into the passage?
No.
No, it didn't make it.
I'm sorry I made such a fuss.
It's just with auntie dying,
Jeremy is all I have left.
Tw-wh-tw-wh! Come on.
Tw-wh-wh. Come to daddy.
It's all right,
Colin. I've got it.
Thank heavens for that!
I tell you what, Colin.
I'll take it downstairs.
I think what it needs
now is a drink of water.
Carole: And you've no
idea who did this to you? No.
I'll call a locksmith.
In the meantime, would you fill out a
questionnaire? Thank you so much.
I'm popping out. Anyone
needs me - mobile.
Mr brittas! Not now, Laura.
Your wife needs to talk
urgently. I've got to get a canary.
She's very upset. Upset?
Yes. Have you noticed anything
odd about her behaviour recently?
She has been tense. Stripping the
walls at 3.00am shows frustration.
I am dealing with it, Laura.
Dealing? I got her a present.
It plays: "The yellow
Rose of Texas"
it's a mini keyboard.
It's actually a casio
club. An outside interest...
Mr brittas. I think the problem is,
she doesn't want to go to Brussels.
Really? You should talk to her.
I will. She's in the staff-room. I
need someone to buy the bird. Tim!
Yes, mr brittas?
Can you do this...?
It's past the first floor.
What? The toilets.
Linda: I've bunged up
downstairs. Now it's upstairs!
Carole, drainage men? They won't
come - your note to customs and excise!
What about the
ones from last week?
The ones you sent home, for
having upside-down union Jacks on?
I've tried lots. We're
on some sort of list.
Do you still need me? Yes, can you
go to town and get another of these?
Jeremy! What?
Colin's canary. What did you do?
Nothing. It got
trapped in a door.
You killed him. Do as you're
told. As near to this one as you can.
You mean with a crushed thorax
and blood all over it? Just do it!
Right. We have one
flushing closet on the top floor,
and who knows
how long it will last.
This is...
He won't be long.
'Attention, all staff! Attention!
'We are moving to emergency
toilet procedure green.
'I repeat. We are
moving to etp green.'
it will be like this in Brussels, but we
won't understand the ambulance men.
It might not be. How do you mean?
He told you about the job? Never stops!
Only I just thought, it's mostly
doing reports, initiatives - theory.
So? Well, he does
that rather well.
The problem here is, he's dealing
with people and he's dreadful.
Working in Brussels has nothing to
do with people. It may be his niche.
His what? Put him in the right place
and he could be a different person!
Do you really think so? Better
for you, him, for everyone.
Brussels. It's quite
near Amsterdam, isn't it?
Quite. I've always thought, they had
very sensible laws about drugs and things.
Get on to talking pages, Julie.
There must be
someone to rod a drain.
What about Colin?
What? He's still waiting.
I'll give him five minutes.
Get his cards ready.
Where's my pamphlet
on unemployment. Here.
Right.
Sorry to keep
you waiting, Colin.
Don't worry, mr brittas.
You probably know
what I want to say to you.
I have a suspicion, yes.
Well, that makes it
easier for both of us.
I'll start with this.
Thank you, mr brittas.
Colin, you've been
here five years.
And still you remember
birthdays. What?
I only wish I could see the
card. Has everyone signed it?
Colin... I wonder if I
might ask a favour.
Only yours isn't my only card.
I wonder,
can you tell me who
they're from? Of course.
Right. This one is from pauline.
The milkman.
How very thoughtful!
This is from the
young telegraph.
"Happy birthday... clubber"
this one says, "dear Colin,
I'm so sorry, it's all gone.
"There's nothing left. I'm sorry."
Signed g Adams. Who's g Adams?
That's my
accountant, mr brittas.
Your accountant!
Why is he in rio?
Rio!
I've no idea. I thought he
was still in Wellington road.
He hasn't got any of your money?
Everything. Life savings,
insurance policies, pension plan...
I see.
It's all right.
Where are you going? If you don't
mind, I'd like to get back to work.
Colin... as you so often
say, work is the great healer.
Thanks for that. Anything else?
Colin...
You just get back
to work, Colin.
I've called our engineer. Meanwhile,
would you fill this in? Thank you.
What's going on?
It's the only way I can get
these forms done, Tim. Carole!
What are you doing? What...?
I think you'll find
it's all right now, sir.
Fill them in yourself, like
everyone else. Really?
I'll show you. What
are you doing, Tim. No!
Brittas says in a real survey 2% of
the papers are always spoiled. Now...
Tim? Colin! I thought
you went home.
I don't have one now.
Should we be on duty?
But you're... mr brittas's orders.
If you'd lead the way. Of course.
Carole, give mr brittas
the filing cabinet. Huh?
(That!) Fine!
I can't find a working lavatory.
No, that's because
we haven't any.
I wonder, could you tell me if it
was a number one or two? I'm sorry?!
If it was a number one, there's a
bucket behind a screen in the gym.
And if it's a number two, follow
the signs to the wooded area
by the dual carriageway.
And can I ask you to leave the
spade as you would expect to find it.
Mr brittas?
I have your canary.
Mr brittas, did it go all right?
Well, he's more yellow... I
meant does Helen feel better?
Well... you haven't seen her!
I intend to... I should have realised that a
canary was more important than your marriage (!)
Laura! I will see her,
Laura. Right now!
Mr brittas. Not now, Gavin.
What is it? Well, Tim wonders
if you're right about Colin.
What about him?
Going back on duty. Yes?
In the swimming pool. Naaaaaaaa!
Help!
Help!
Bit of trouble here, Tim!
Help!
It's ok. I'm on to it!
Help!
Help me!
I've snagged something,
Tim. Can you give us a hand?
Ok, lad. Get a hold of this.
Come on, son.
You'll soon be at the side.
Don't let go now.
I'll pull you out. Help!
There's another one, Tim. I can't
manage them both on my own. Tim!
Colin, what the
hell are you doing?
Thank heavens you're here. I'm
working at a slight disadvantage.
You did well,
Colin. I only got one.
Four.
Really? If only I could see.
Be grateful you can't!
Colin, up to my office. Now!
Ok, Linda. Get an ambulance with
oxygen resources as soon as you can.
Julie, a chair to support
her head. All right.
Quick, this is an emergency. Ok!
Right!
Patrick, get that man's
parents down here.
Sandra, that head injury
needs a compress. Medical box.
Linda, hot drinks.
Gavin, insurance forms.
Can we talk? Not really.
I'll take over now. Oops!
Leave her alone!
I've located the injury. Get
out! But... up to my office, now!
Right.
That's it! Get him out of here!
Patrick, attend to her, please.
Julie.
Just quick... not now! Julie, draft
Colin a "thanks and goodbye" letter.
You can't fire him!
Don't drip blood!
Insurance forms.
Well done.
Clear Colin's locker out - I'd wear
gloves. And put it outside in a bag.
You can't! Keep out of it, you're
injured! Linda, get a taxi for me.
Gordon, a moment?
You can't fire a blind
man on his birthday! I can.
Gordon...
Take this into the toilet with
some batteries, it relieves...
..Frustration.
Gordon!
You killed his canary? What?
He lost all his
money. His aunt died.
What? His aunt
died this morning.
Look! I've told you people,
Colin doesn't matter.
Does that go in the letter? He's not
important! "You are not important."
This is a public service. Colin's
not important, I'm not, you're not.
The only person who is,
is that lady over
there, our public.
She doesn't care about a blind man and
his budgie. I'll tell you what she wants...
I want to know why there is sewage
in the downstairs changing-room.
Panic over. They're
working again.
What? The toilets flush again -
but I don't know where it all went.
If you shovel it down the toilet, Linda,
it'll just come back up in the basement.
If you've run out of buckets,
use saucepans from the cafeteria,
and then empty it in the
area under the swings. Bye.
Any luck? He's on his way.
About time! He'll pack his equipment
now, and he'll be here in 11 hours.
11 hours!
It's a long way from lanark, but he's
never heard of you! Still want this?
I certainly do.
Right, Colin. No time
to be nice. You're fired.
Here's a week's
money in lieu of notice...
Laura! I've been thinking,
mr brittas. Where's Colin?
The reason I've always
supported you... I don't have time...
..Is because, whatever you've done, however stupid
or half baked, underneath, you always meant well.
Laura... That however
many people got hurt
it was because you did
what you thought best -
particularly for your staff.
You're not still on
about Colin? I am.
Colin is the least of my problems.
You can't fire him. It's wrong!
Do you think I want to? Do you
think it pleases me? I have no choice.
He's useless. You tell me one
thing he's good at. Go on. Tell me.
One thing.
I'll give you a promise, if you can tell
me one thing, I will make him manager.
I'll make him lord
high executioner.
Here's your problem, mr brittas.
When I heard that you
were getting back-up again,
I thought, "they
can't have, can they?"
So I open up the grating and it
was, the r17 was in back to front.
An r17?
A one-way solids exclusion
valve, it works a bit like a cat-flap!
This door is to stop waste
matter going back up the flow,
but if you put it
in backwards...
The spare is in. You
mean it works again?
Smooth as ketchup
out of a bottle, mr brittas.
And don't worry about
the mess. I'll clean it up.
Just a minute, Colin.
Mr brittas has
good news for you.
Poor Colin, never hurt a fly.
Unless it ate off him!
Is it agreed? Would a strike
mean staying out of the centre?
We can't come to work! No, but some
of us have family commitments here.
I'll put drawers on the picket
line, but we must stand together.
I was thinking mr
brittas may have a point.
What? From a management view...
If you're sacked for not doing
your job, we're not safe - I'm not!
Ģ as union representative, I'll
tell brittas that nobody works until...
I want six volunteers. Colin!
Thank you, Tim. Just five more.
You were fired.
Fired? Isn't that what brittas said,
that he wanted a new deputy manager?
I suppose so, now I've
been promoted. Promoted!
To manager in charge
of building fabric.
With a new uniform, a pay rise,
and an office in the basement -
when I've dug it out.
Colin!
Are you ok?
I'm grand, Carole.
This could have been such a bad day but, in his
special way, mr brittas has made it all right.
Hey! Just a minute.
I can see!
Casio club plays
Helen!
I was meant to see you,
wasn't I? Never mind.
I'm sorry, my darling.
Got caught up and then...
I heard about Colin. Colin? He looks
so happy, I'm glad you didn't fire him.
Colin isn't bad, he just
needed his own niche.
I knew if I could do that it would
be better for him, me, for everyone.
I suppose so.
Yes, I think he'll
be all right now.
A disaster as pool manager,
but he has a real feel for toilets.
That's nice. Laura said you
don't want to go to Brussels.
I'm trying to tell you...
If you don't want to go
to Brussels, we won't go.
You mean more
to me than any job.
No, no. I think a change
could be a good idea.
You know, better for you,
better for me, better for everyone.
Yes.
What's all this then? It's a survey
Carole's been doing about the cafeteria.
People want high chairs, a child
menu and somewhere to breast-feed.
Really? 2% of papers
spoiled, but we usually get that.
Oh! So, what do we do next?
I have an idea. Yes?
Has Julie gone home yet? Yes.
We have some free-standing screens.
We can make a mother and child area.
Helen! My idea first, Gordon!
Sir! Excuse me, sir!
Welcome to our centre!
How may I help you?
I want the pool times. 9.20 to 12.50
and 1.15 to 7.45, sir. Thank you.
One moment. Could I ask you
a question before you go? Yes?
Were you going to
use our cafeteria today?
No, I only... Is there
a reason why not?
No, as I said... would you use
it if we had vegetarian food?
No. If we provided
calorie counts?
No. Baked our own
bread on the premises?
There's no point asking me. I
was only checking pool times, ok?
Disposable cutlery...?
Please! It would
be so helpful if...
Have a nice day (!)
How is it, Carole? Mr brittas. I
want the questionnaires by 4.00.
Mr brittas, would it be
dreadful not to have quite all?
I need all 100. I cannot get
meaningful data from a smaller sample.
Gavin.
Of course.
Basement toilet's
backing up again.
Morning! Patrick taped the lid
down, but something's wrong.
Tim? Yes?
Are your questionnaires
done? Yes. Why?
No trouble getting
people to do it? Not at all.
Really? I just thought, "mr brittas needs
these forms, I must make sure he gets them."
I see.
So, what do you think?
Does this mean you're leaving
again? I'm not going, Gavin. Of course.
But someone else
might be. Right.
Someone who may be
interested in becoming a manager,
or a deputy manager,
him or her self.
Right.
You don't mean...
Oh! Right!
He laughs
I've watched you,
Gavin featherly.
Not many people
on this staff have lmp.
Leisure management potential.
But you have the attitude,
maybe even the calling. Goodness!
We'll talk at lunch. Mr brittas?
Do we have room
for another manager?
We have two - three
if you count yourself.
I can't be too specific at
this juncture in time, Gavin.
Let's just say that a vacancy
may arise in the foreseeable future.
Someone's leaving?
That I can't discuss, Gavin.
Got to be discreet
at this point.
Tell Colin to come
to my office, Carole.
I've got Tim's questionnaires
for you. Thank you, Laura.
The public all want
higher pay for pool staff!
Really?
Yes. It seems they'd be happy
to pay twice as much for the ticket
if it went straight
to the lifeguards.
Now, that does surprise me.
You want this
information, mr brittas?
It's the base for a total overhaul
of our administrative structure.
If I go to Brussels, this place
must be sharp and effective.
Oh, good. But there is one simple
change that would do more than anything.
What's that? Has it occurred to you that
most upsets here are caused by one person?
Well...
One member of the team,
Laura, who means well,
but is consistently the dead pigeon
in the jet turbines of management?
Well... and have you ever
imagined this place without him?
I have sometimes.
He has to go, Laura.
I can't have a swimming pool
manager who won't go in the water.
You're talking about Colin? Of
course I'm talking about Colin.
You're not going to fire
him? The man is dead weight.
You must do what you think best.
But you won't find
it easy. Not today.
So sorry I'm late, mr brittas.
Just to let you know
I got your message.
I'll just make an
urgent trip to the toilet.
Colin, what's happened to your
eyes? I'm afraid I've been blinded.
Still, mustn't dwell
on my problems.
I'll be as quick as I can.
Do you want a
hand, Colin? Sorry?
Oh, I see what you mean!
No! I should find it on my own!
What happened to
him? His garden blew up.
You know his organic
vegetable bed?
Seems it was built on 70 foot
of toxic waste from the '50s.
Nobody knew how much gas had built
up, until he lit the charcoal pit and...
The hospital wanted to keep
him but he came in. Why?!
He didn't want to let you down.
You told him duty comes
before personal discomfort.
I get your message, but it doesn't
change anything. He's been blinded!
So he's now medically incapable
of doing his job and incompetent!
Sorry. I'm going to fire him.
He whistles cheerfully
I shouldn't do that
if I were you, Colin.
Laura! What are
you doing in here?
This happens to
be my office, Colin.
Did I take a wrong turn?
Colin. I want to talk to you.
Right.
Colin! Stop right there!
Stay where you are!
Give me this. There we go.
Take him to the
seat, please, Laura.
I don't think you'll
need me for this bit.
Colin said the surgeon told
him he may regain his sight,
if he avoids excitement
and sudden shocks.
You'll bear that in
mind, won't you?
Don't worry, Laura. If your garden's
exploded, what can shock you?
Colin, I've been
reviewing your job.
I'm always grateful for it.
Colin... having a job gives
you a purpose... well...
You've taught me, mr
brittas, that without a purpose,
you may as well be
thrown on the scrapheap.
Can I speak? Sorry, mr brittas.
Right. I have something to say
and you're not making it easy for me.
Phone rings brittas.
..Yes. Yes, he is, Carole.
Right. All right, Carole. Bye.
Colin?
Yes? Colin...
I have to go downstairs.
Just wait here. Have a
biscuit. Thank you, mr brittas.
You can have it
back, mr furnival,
after you fill in
this. Thank you.
Phone rings
hello! How can I help?
Mrs brittas! You want
to speak to mr brittas.
Yes... a message.
"You want a...
.. "Divorce." anything else?
I'll see that he
gets it. Carole!
Helen, it's me.
Are you all right? ..Of course
not, I'd love to talk about it.
How soon can you get in?
Oh, Helen.
Have you got mrs brittas's
box? Yes, of course.
Come on. Tell me all about it.
Carole, what is it? Mr
brittas! The news for Colin?
It's his aunt. It's very sad...
Ugh!
Linda? Sorry, mr brittas.
There's all this stuff
coming out of the lavatory.
I tried flushing, but
just more of it pours out.
You know the routine for a
backed-up toilet, Linda. But...
Block the bowl, put up the sign
and get Carole to call someone.
Actually, I did try earlier...
Trying's no good! I want a trained
operative here. Now, Colin's aunt?
Oh, she died. Died?
He'll be very upset.
She brought him up after his
parents died in the combine harvester.
Yes.
The nursing home asked
you to break the news.
I better do that.
Yes, mr brittas.
I don't want to go to
Brussels, Laura. Oh.
It's awful when things go wrong here,
but if you can't speak the language...
How do I tell a doctor, "I
need stronger pills" in flemish?
You think he'll get the job? He's
sailed through four interviews.
Everyone thinks, because
of his medals, he's a hero.
You saw Jeremy paxman
with him on newsnight!
I didn't know it was going so well.
I've tried everything to stop him.
Three weeks ago, I even decided
to stop letting him... you know.
Just to show him
how upset I was.
How's that going?
It's been hell!
I've never felt so...
You meant Gordon. Yes. I don't
think he's actually noticed yet.
You have told him, have you?
How do you mean?
That you don't want to go?
You think that would help?
It might. Look, if you
like, I can have a word.
Oh, a divorce would sound
better coming from you.
No, no. I could say
you wanted a talk.
Oh.
Oh, I see. Well, give
me five minutes, eh?
Is that you, mr
brittas? Yes, Colin.
Julie kindly made some coffee.
Can I pour you one? Thank you.
It's one sugar,
isn't it, mr brittas?
Colin.
Oh, my word. That sets you up.
Colin, Carole's just given
me some news for you.
Have I won the pools? No, it's
about your aunt, mrs Witherspoon.
That's miss, actually. She never
married. I'm the nearest one to her.
Colin... is it the hiccups?
What? Last time, they lasted
a fortnight. What she suffered!
Would you shut up
and let me speak? Sorry.
The news is rather serious, I'm
afraid. More serious than hiccups?
I'm afraid it falls to me
to have to inform you...
She's died, hasn't she?
Well, yes. She has.
That's typical,
mr brittas. What?
You're trying to spare my
feelings and I'm chattering away.
I am very sorry. It's all right.
She was 93. You can't expect...
Would you have a tissue, please?
There you go.
What did I do? I'll get it.
Oi! What?
Your bird is flying
round my office!
If it leaves, it
won't come back.
Shut the door!
Did it get into the passage?
No.
No, it didn't make it.
I'm sorry I made such a fuss.
It's just with auntie dying,
Jeremy is all I have left.
Tw-wh-tw-wh! Come on.
Tw-wh-wh. Come to daddy.
It's all right,
Colin. I've got it.
Thank heavens for that!
I tell you what, Colin.
I'll take it downstairs.
I think what it needs
now is a drink of water.
Carole: And you've no
idea who did this to you? No.
I'll call a locksmith.
In the meantime, would you fill out a
questionnaire? Thank you so much.
I'm popping out. Anyone
needs me - mobile.
Mr brittas! Not now, Laura.
Your wife needs to talk
urgently. I've got to get a canary.
She's very upset. Upset?
Yes. Have you noticed anything
odd about her behaviour recently?
She has been tense. Stripping the
walls at 3.00am shows frustration.
I am dealing with it, Laura.
Dealing? I got her a present.
It plays: "The yellow
Rose of Texas"
it's a mini keyboard.
It's actually a casio
club. An outside interest...
Mr brittas. I think the problem is,
she doesn't want to go to Brussels.
Really? You should talk to her.
I will. She's in the staff-room. I
need someone to buy the bird. Tim!
Yes, mr brittas?
Can you do this...?
It's past the first floor.
What? The toilets.
Linda: I've bunged up
downstairs. Now it's upstairs!
Carole, drainage men? They won't
come - your note to customs and excise!
What about the
ones from last week?
The ones you sent home, for
having upside-down union Jacks on?
I've tried lots. We're
on some sort of list.
Do you still need me? Yes, can you
go to town and get another of these?
Jeremy! What?
Colin's canary. What did you do?
Nothing. It got
trapped in a door.
You killed him. Do as you're
told. As near to this one as you can.
You mean with a crushed thorax
and blood all over it? Just do it!
Right. We have one
flushing closet on the top floor,
and who knows
how long it will last.
This is...
He won't be long.
'Attention, all staff! Attention!
'We are moving to emergency
toilet procedure green.
'I repeat. We are
moving to etp green.'
it will be like this in Brussels, but we
won't understand the ambulance men.
It might not be. How do you mean?
He told you about the job? Never stops!
Only I just thought, it's mostly
doing reports, initiatives - theory.
So? Well, he does
that rather well.
The problem here is, he's dealing
with people and he's dreadful.
Working in Brussels has nothing to
do with people. It may be his niche.
His what? Put him in the right place
and he could be a different person!
Do you really think so? Better
for you, him, for everyone.
Brussels. It's quite
near Amsterdam, isn't it?
Quite. I've always thought, they had
very sensible laws about drugs and things.
Get on to talking pages, Julie.
There must be
someone to rod a drain.
What about Colin?
What? He's still waiting.
I'll give him five minutes.
Get his cards ready.
Where's my pamphlet
on unemployment. Here.
Right.
Sorry to keep
you waiting, Colin.
Don't worry, mr brittas.
You probably know
what I want to say to you.
I have a suspicion, yes.
Well, that makes it
easier for both of us.
I'll start with this.
Thank you, mr brittas.
Colin, you've been
here five years.
And still you remember
birthdays. What?
I only wish I could see the
card. Has everyone signed it?
Colin... I wonder if I
might ask a favour.
Only yours isn't my only card.
I wonder,
can you tell me who
they're from? Of course.
Right. This one is from pauline.
The milkman.
How very thoughtful!
This is from the
young telegraph.
"Happy birthday... clubber"
this one says, "dear Colin,
I'm so sorry, it's all gone.
"There's nothing left. I'm sorry."
Signed g Adams. Who's g Adams?
That's my
accountant, mr brittas.
Your accountant!
Why is he in rio?
Rio!
I've no idea. I thought he
was still in Wellington road.
He hasn't got any of your money?
Everything. Life savings,
insurance policies, pension plan...
I see.
It's all right.
Where are you going? If you don't
mind, I'd like to get back to work.
Colin... as you so often
say, work is the great healer.
Thanks for that. Anything else?
Colin...
You just get back
to work, Colin.
I've called our engineer. Meanwhile,
would you fill this in? Thank you.
What's going on?
It's the only way I can get
these forms done, Tim. Carole!
What are you doing? What...?
I think you'll find
it's all right now, sir.
Fill them in yourself, like
everyone else. Really?
I'll show you. What
are you doing, Tim. No!
Brittas says in a real survey 2% of
the papers are always spoiled. Now...
Tim? Colin! I thought
you went home.
I don't have one now.
Should we be on duty?
But you're... mr brittas's orders.
If you'd lead the way. Of course.
Carole, give mr brittas
the filing cabinet. Huh?
(That!) Fine!
I can't find a working lavatory.
No, that's because
we haven't any.
I wonder, could you tell me if it
was a number one or two? I'm sorry?!
If it was a number one, there's a
bucket behind a screen in the gym.
And if it's a number two, follow
the signs to the wooded area
by the dual carriageway.
And can I ask you to leave the
spade as you would expect to find it.
Mr brittas?
I have your canary.
Mr brittas, did it go all right?
Well, he's more yellow... I
meant does Helen feel better?
Well... you haven't seen her!
I intend to... I should have realised that a
canary was more important than your marriage (!)
Laura! I will see her,
Laura. Right now!
Mr brittas. Not now, Gavin.
What is it? Well, Tim wonders
if you're right about Colin.
What about him?
Going back on duty. Yes?
In the swimming pool. Naaaaaaaa!
Help!
Help!
Bit of trouble here, Tim!
Help!
It's ok. I'm on to it!
Help!
Help me!
I've snagged something,
Tim. Can you give us a hand?
Ok, lad. Get a hold of this.
Come on, son.
You'll soon be at the side.
Don't let go now.
I'll pull you out. Help!
There's another one, Tim. I can't
manage them both on my own. Tim!
Colin, what the
hell are you doing?
Thank heavens you're here. I'm
working at a slight disadvantage.
You did well,
Colin. I only got one.
Four.
Really? If only I could see.
Be grateful you can't!
Colin, up to my office. Now!
Ok, Linda. Get an ambulance with
oxygen resources as soon as you can.
Julie, a chair to support
her head. All right.
Quick, this is an emergency. Ok!
Right!
Patrick, get that man's
parents down here.
Sandra, that head injury
needs a compress. Medical box.
Linda, hot drinks.
Gavin, insurance forms.
Can we talk? Not really.
I'll take over now. Oops!
Leave her alone!
I've located the injury. Get
out! But... up to my office, now!
Right.
That's it! Get him out of here!
Patrick, attend to her, please.
Julie.
Just quick... not now! Julie, draft
Colin a "thanks and goodbye" letter.
You can't fire him!
Don't drip blood!
Insurance forms.
Well done.
Clear Colin's locker out - I'd wear
gloves. And put it outside in a bag.
You can't! Keep out of it, you're
injured! Linda, get a taxi for me.
Gordon, a moment?
You can't fire a blind
man on his birthday! I can.
Gordon...
Take this into the toilet with
some batteries, it relieves...
..Frustration.
Gordon!
You killed his canary? What?
He lost all his
money. His aunt died.
What? His aunt
died this morning.
Look! I've told you people,
Colin doesn't matter.
Does that go in the letter? He's not
important! "You are not important."
This is a public service. Colin's
not important, I'm not, you're not.
The only person who is,
is that lady over
there, our public.
She doesn't care about a blind man and
his budgie. I'll tell you what she wants...
I want to know why there is sewage
in the downstairs changing-room.
Panic over. They're
working again.
What? The toilets flush again -
but I don't know where it all went.
If you shovel it down the toilet, Linda,
it'll just come back up in the basement.
If you've run out of buckets,
use saucepans from the cafeteria,
and then empty it in the
area under the swings. Bye.
Any luck? He's on his way.
About time! He'll pack his equipment
now, and he'll be here in 11 hours.
11 hours!
It's a long way from lanark, but he's
never heard of you! Still want this?
I certainly do.
Right, Colin. No time
to be nice. You're fired.
Here's a week's
money in lieu of notice...
Laura! I've been thinking,
mr brittas. Where's Colin?
The reason I've always
supported you... I don't have time...
..Is because, whatever you've done, however stupid
or half baked, underneath, you always meant well.
Laura... That however
many people got hurt
it was because you did
what you thought best -
particularly for your staff.
You're not still on
about Colin? I am.
Colin is the least of my problems.
You can't fire him. It's wrong!
Do you think I want to? Do you
think it pleases me? I have no choice.
He's useless. You tell me one
thing he's good at. Go on. Tell me.
One thing.
I'll give you a promise, if you can tell
me one thing, I will make him manager.
I'll make him lord
high executioner.
Here's your problem, mr brittas.
When I heard that you
were getting back-up again,
I thought, "they
can't have, can they?"
So I open up the grating and it
was, the r17 was in back to front.
An r17?
A one-way solids exclusion
valve, it works a bit like a cat-flap!
This door is to stop waste
matter going back up the flow,
but if you put it
in backwards...
The spare is in. You
mean it works again?
Smooth as ketchup
out of a bottle, mr brittas.
And don't worry about
the mess. I'll clean it up.
Just a minute, Colin.
Mr brittas has
good news for you.
Poor Colin, never hurt a fly.
Unless it ate off him!
Is it agreed? Would a strike
mean staying out of the centre?
We can't come to work! No, but some
of us have family commitments here.
I'll put drawers on the picket
line, but we must stand together.
I was thinking mr
brittas may have a point.
What? From a management view...
If you're sacked for not doing
your job, we're not safe - I'm not!
Ģ as union representative, I'll
tell brittas that nobody works until...
I want six volunteers. Colin!
Thank you, Tim. Just five more.
You were fired.
Fired? Isn't that what brittas said,
that he wanted a new deputy manager?
I suppose so, now I've
been promoted. Promoted!
To manager in charge
of building fabric.
With a new uniform, a pay rise,
and an office in the basement -
when I've dug it out.
Colin!
Are you ok?
I'm grand, Carole.
This could have been such a bad day but, in his
special way, mr brittas has made it all right.
Hey! Just a minute.
I can see!
Casio club plays
Helen!
I was meant to see you,
wasn't I? Never mind.
I'm sorry, my darling.
Got caught up and then...
I heard about Colin. Colin? He looks
so happy, I'm glad you didn't fire him.
Colin isn't bad, he just
needed his own niche.
I knew if I could do that it would
be better for him, me, for everyone.
I suppose so.
Yes, I think he'll
be all right now.
A disaster as pool manager,
but he has a real feel for toilets.
That's nice. Laura said you
don't want to go to Brussels.
I'm trying to tell you...
If you don't want to go
to Brussels, we won't go.
You mean more
to me than any job.
No, no. I think a change
could be a good idea.
You know, better for you,
better for me, better for everyone.
Yes.
What's all this then? It's a survey
Carole's been doing about the cafeteria.
People want high chairs, a child
menu and somewhere to breast-feed.
Really? 2% of papers
spoiled, but we usually get that.
Oh! So, what do we do next?
I have an idea. Yes?
Has Julie gone home yet? Yes.
We have some free-standing screens.
We can make a mother and child area.
Helen! My idea first, Gordon!