The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Old, Old Story - full transcript

Music: "Songs of praise" theme

'songs of praise from
whitbury newtown.

'From, one man would argue,

'the heart of the community-
the leisure centre,

'newly rebuilt after the tragic fire
which destroyed it last summer.'

and where do you
think you're going?

Well... what? I
was just going...

I'm afraid not these toilets.
Are you here to sing hymns?

Yes. So you use the
facilities arranged for you.

Go through the
gym, over the carpark,

the toilets are on the other
side of the rugby field, all right?



Ģ hello, can you hear that?

Yes, right. Oh, mrbrittas?

Sorryabout the delay, Pamela.

May I extend a very warm welcome

to our leisure centre.

If I can do anything to help
the day go smoothly, just say.

Well, we want to start but
nobody seems to be allowed in.

No. We have to
practise the hymns.

Yes, the doors will be opened
when I have staff to watch behaviour.

These men have kindly voluntee...
Sadly, I must take them away.

Special staff meeting.
What about our interview?

Looking forward to it enormously.
20-minute hold, though.

Tim, Gavin. This way.

Pat, could you make sure
your people don't use the toilets.



We've just been rebuilt, we're
worried about vandalism, ok?

Hello, Carole. Isn't it lovely to
be back? It's all new and shiny.

Kidsok? Hmm?
Back in the drawers?

No, they're
looking forward to it.

Which reminds me, I
ought to unpack them.

They in one of these? I packed
them separately, we've had squabbles.

They should be the ones
with the air holes. Like this?

Well done. Thank
you. This isthem.

These must be the twins. Which?

The one marked cat food.

Oh, no, this one's
the microwave.

Go on, Ben.

Morning, all set?
Helen, are you coming?

Nottheservice, I getinterviewed!

Well, Gordon
does, but I'm there.

We're a team! You
always avoid these things.

Da-da!

Today, I can do anything.

What is it? They're from
Jonathan's chemistry teacher.

He sells them outside school -
must be for school funds or something.

They're meant
to be a bit of a lift.

More like sticking your finger in
a socket! Best £20 I ever spent!

They work. Yes.

The thing is they only last
30minutes, then you fall asleep.

Sogordon can't belate. Wehope!

Is that mr brittas's book? He
thinks Pam rhodes may want a copy?

I only read the serialised parts
inthe paper, most... Uplifting.

Ģ Did you? You didn't like it?

It was maybe my mood.
I couldn't get into it.

He's led such an
interesting life -

fires, drownings, explosions.

I can't think of anyone
else who's done all he has.

None of us can (!)

I want to help them, Gavin.
But in an orderly fashion.

Staff room, everyone. Lots to
organise. Gordon, the interview?

Looking forward to it. Urgent staff
meeting first. Laura? Two minutes.

Alarm rings

-erm, Carole? - Yes.
-Can I have some water?

Yes.

Our problem is that we'll have some 800
people rehearsing hymns in our gymnasium -

all wanting to use the
resources of this centre -

and our job is to
make sure they don't.

Sorry I'm late. Ok, Colin.

It's the new medication I've
got for tension and stress. Colin.

It's basically a muscle relaxant, but it relaxes
muscles that ideally shouldn't relax at all.

You see?

Colin, we have lots to get
through. Right-o, mr brittas.

Right, it's important to
contain the public here,

which is sealed off by
the corridors marked in red.

In case anyone breaks through, I want
roving patrols in the yellow areas and...

Gavin?

If 800 people want
to use the centre,

why don't we let them?

In the centre?! Yes, it could make
money, especially in the canteen.

Tell him someone, pleasssse...

Laura? Oh... Mr brittas is
worried about the pigeon-holes.

We're talking
public safety, Gavin.

We cannot let the public in until
our communications system works.

We could remove
the toilet paper.

Pardon?

So, if they get past the patrols to
the toilet, they get a real surprise!

If I may say, I would find that... Nobody
takes anything! It's songs of praise!

It's not a war, people
should feel welcome.

Over to you,

Laura. Ok. The actual recording
starts tonight at six o'clock.

That's 1800 hours.

Yes. Mr brittas wants us seated an hour
earlier for a nail and underwear check.

All: What?

Did I say that? No, I
think I made that one up!

Right, we'll be here,
in the green seats.

Is that the front row? Yes.

Great! Give me the
card please, Timothy.

You know what I'm talking about.

May I remind you, we're
representing the entire leisure industry,

on a premier national
television broadcast.

We want people to watch and say, "what a fine
bunch - athletic, dignified, attractive..."

I can't seem to find my name
in the front row, mr brittas.

No, we ran out of seats.
You and Colin will sit...

..There.

That's outside, is it?

Yes. We'll leave the doors open so
you can hear most of what goes on.

Laura, give out
the badges, please.

I'll ask you to wear these
in a prominent position

so if you're "on
shot" as we say...

Baby cries is that
what I think, Carole?

Sorry! Take it out. She won't settle
in her new drawer. The paint smells.

Outside, please!

Yes, mr brittas, I'm sorry.

I don't think the BBC will allow us
to wear these before the watershed.

It's harmless advertising for
whitbury, Julie. Oh, whitbury. What?

It's the printers, they've
put an s instead of the w.

Life isn't perfect for any of us.
Just bend your knees... good girl.

Oh, councillor drugget! Welcome to
the leisure centre, how may I help?

Are the doors all locked?!

Yes, it's a shame. We so
wanted to be open by today.

After being closed for a season and
spending £3½ million most of us were!

Any reason this time?

I'm afraid it's
the pigeon-holes.

They are not working properly.

Yes. Could I see mr brittas?

He's very busy at the moment.

But I'm sure he'll
have time for you.

Communication is my management
way. If my staff don't know what to do...

Oh, quite. So, imagine I have just issued a detailed
warning to them about what to do in the event of...

..Say, an acid spill in
the pool pump area. Yes.

This is what happens.

What? What happens?
The fault's intermittent. Wait.

While we're waiting, Gordon, can
you tell me why you cancelled the army?

The army? 600 men from the parachute regiment wanting
to pay to train here while their new barracks is built.

I gathered you said
no. I had no choice.

No choice? I'm as loyal a supporter
of the armed forces as any man.

A more upstanding group you couldn't
ask for, but, as I said to the colonel,

to your average
Joe-squash-court,

the army is seen as a bunch of
drunk squaddies marauding the streets.

You said that? I did.

I said, "colonel, if we let your
men in here, we lose the families.

"We lose the decent people who
won't like bringing their daughters."

Loud bang there we are, Jack.

For safety, we can't open
until the builders rectify this fault.

Monday week, they say.

They're all set for you,
mr brittas. Right, Laura.

Jack, excuse me. I'm being
interviewed on national television.

The councillor may want
coffee. Sure. Thank you.

20p, please, Jack.
Put it in the tin.

I'm glad you two have made up.

It was my fault
entirely, Laura. Hardly.

No, next time he shouts, "oi, you" I shan't
waste any time thinking what's he on about now,

I'll simply step back before the
scaffolding pole lands on my foot.

He's shown you the pigeon-holes?

Yes.

He has to go, Laura.

You won't try and fire him again? No. The
sun's "get behind Gordon" campaign ruined that.

Well, he won't leave
any other way. No.

Managing this centre is all he
ever wanted. Milk? It's his dream.

Unless we give him a bigger
dream. Huh, is that possible?

I only heard about it last week.

What do you think?

Golly.

I'm in whitbury newtown leisure
centre with the manager, mr brittas.

He says he and his wife, Helen,
really enjoy working out together.

Do you mind if I
interrupt? No, Pam.

Gordon, you got national attention last
year, when you rescued three children.

He got a medal! You wrote
a book about it. "I believe."

The profits go to the charity you
started, leisure in the third world.

Yes, Pam. Some places on our lovely
planet have never seen a vaulting-horse.

My plan... he's sent
Baton-twirlers to Mozambique...

Mrs brittas.

Mrs brittas, can I speak to
your husband first, and you later?

So sorry.

We'll go from the second
paragraph. Now, Gordon,

you had national
attention last...

Alarm rings sorry.

Helen yawns

paracetamol. I'll be
all right in a minute.

Ok?

Yes.

Go again.

Now, this book you've written.

You're going to donate...
Thank goodness I've found you.

There's been an
accident. I'm busy.

I'm not sure it was an accident.

It's perfect. European
commissioner for leisure.

Brussels, Laura. Yes.

A pointless bureaucracy spending
public money - what he's good at.

And it's a long way
from whitbury. Exactly.

It needs to be
presented carefully.

If it's "presented" you've blown
it. He has to think of it himself.

You know him so well, Laura.

Hmm. Which is why I wondered...

Ah. Nothing direct,
you understand.

Just mention you've seen
something in the paper.

No. No?

I'm sorry, Jack. It's just...

..He doesn't have many friends.

If one of the two he has
starts playing politics...

I dunno, it feels
wrong, somehow.

Yes, well, I'll just have
to do the best I can.

I'm sorry. No. No, that's fine.

If you think you
can live with it.

What? Friendship and
loyalty are all very well, Laura,

but when the bodies pile up again
and they will sooner or later,

I think I'd like to know I'd done
everything I could to prevent it.

There's a lot
about Laura in here.

"The quick-thinking Laura...",
"the ever-resourceful Laura..."

She gets three
columns in the index.

Really?

What's it say about me?

Let's have a look.

Whistler, Tim... page 43.

That's it? One mention?!

It's about what he thought
when he first met us.

"And finally, there was Tim."

One mystery solved. What?

The riddle of
pigeon-holes. Look.

It came to me when I was putting
up the "frown-free zone" notice.

Bear with me. Julie,
give me a minute, ok?

Watch.

Bang!

Good, eh?

-Goodness!
-What did you do?

Well, it had to be a vibration, so I
thought, whose door gets slammed most often?

Mr brittas's. Which
is above that wall.

Did it work? Perfect,
but what now?

We could wedge his door open.

Or nail it permanently closed!
I'll go and tell him anyway.

With an architect and 12 carpenters,
we could be open by the weekend (!)

Laura, quick! It's
another accident.

On the other hand...!

How could anyone do that?

Maybe it was being
on TV, mr brittas.

What? It makes
some people nervous.

I think it was a grudge.

What are you on about, Gavin? We
had a boy at school who did those things.

He'd open your desk and pffff...
They're from songs of praise, Gavin.

Now, best to get it cleared
up. You'll need a shovel...

..Colin. Will do.

Gordon, what's
going on. Careful!

We're meant to be doing an interview.
Apologies, my love. Unfortunately...

I need a pill and if you
take three in a row...

There's more here. What?

Just here. It appears
to be pretty fresh.

Gordon! The interview
must... I'm coming, darling.

Gavin, get a bucket. Other
problems, I do not want to know.

Hey! There's a bishop
unconscious in the sauna.

Tall chap, pointy hat.
Big lump on his head.

What is going on around here?

It might be
another serial killer.

I'll deal with it.
Follow me. Gordon!

Gordon!

Ah, mrs brittas.

Is this a good time to
talk to your husband? Well.

He's not in his office. No.

Alarm rings

oh, sorry.

I just have to go and... Sorry.

What's that? I don't know.

They think it's a
serial killer or... sorry.

I really...

He'll be back in a minute.

Man screams

Pay attention, please, everyone,
sit down, disperse, sit down.

Right, now.

Just to keep you informed, bishop
Tom has regained consciousness...

..But not, I'm
afraid, his speech.

Who attacked him? We
don't know anyone did.

Well, something hit him. He
fell, he's bound to be bruised.

What about councillor
drugget? Yes. What happened?

He was knifed! Blood everywhere!

Everyone chatters please, we
do not know that he's been knifed.

He probably tripped
up and fell on his keys.

Ģ that's three attacks.
We should all leave. Yes.

How often do songs of praise
come to a place like this?

I won't clear out until we
know it's not a coincidence.

However, in case there is someone of an
antagonostic disposition, we'll do a search.

I see. We'll be split up and picked
off one by one. Call the police.

They were told. What did they
say? I said there was a possibility -

and I emphasise, a possibility -

that there may be a
serial killer in the centre.

The sergeant said he'd
pop in on his way home.

We're gonna die.
We're all gonna die!

Nobody's going to die.

As long as we are sensible,
intelligent and keep calm.

Mr brittas. Not now, Colin?

She's fine. Perfectly all
right. What is it, Colin?

Your wife was
unconscious in the ladies.

Helen! I'm coming, Helen!

Easy with my little lady.

Gently. There we go.

Linda?

You know what to do? Yes.

Is she badly
hurt? Let's find out.

Not now, Gordon. I'm too tired.

Helen, are you all right?

What? What did he
do to you, my darling?

He took my pills. Did
he harm you in any way?

I said, he took my
pills. There were 14!

All right... It's not.
He's eaten them all.

Can you describe him? And
chemistry isn't until Thursday.

My sweet, I know it was dreadful but
try and think. What was he wearing?

Nothing.

Nothing? Not even underpants?

Don't be stupid! Why would an
ostrich be wearing underpants?!

What? I said why would
he be wearing underpants?

You were attacked by an ostrich?

I told you, I wasn't attacked.
He just took my bloody pills.

Right, now, before you go,

just a reminder, I
don't want heroics.

If you find the bird, do not
approach it under any circumstances,

but report back
to my office. Ok?

We are quite sure, are we? What?

That mrs brittas saw an ostrich?

Do you think she imagined
it, Gavin? Absolutely not.

Only, she did evacuate the place at new year for that
giant millipede. That was a misunderstanding, Tim.

Didn't she say it wanted sex?

My wife was on a hayfever remedy
with side-effects, Julie. This time...

It is an ostrich.
Thank you, Colin.

I've been examining this sample.

This is from a pile
on the second floor.

Colin. It was only when
I looked at it closely.

Colin. We'll talk
about it later, all right.

To your search areas, and remember, if
you see or hear it, report to the office.

And if the tabloid press hear this,
Julie, I'll know who's responsible.

It came from the safari
park. It disappeared last night.

It's actually an emu.
What will they do?

A man will be
here by five. Five?!

Their one Van is delivering
a panda to swindon.

What do we do until then?

They don't know. The flightless bird
expert is away at a day conference.

The seal and walrus man said put
a rope on it. Why did it come here?

Did you know the safari park runs
past the army camp? The army camp?

Army camp.

The paras aren't the best people to
offend. The colonel was quite upset.

You think they
did it on purpose?

Yeah, you're lucky it
was only a practical joke.

Joke? An ostrich loose in
the leisure centre is a joke?!

Phone rings yes?
..They've found it.

Come on!

Ģ he's in the end cubicle, mr brittas.
I think he probably scented water.

I can't see. His head's in a fire
bucket, it's the only sand here.

Good grief. I have an idea.

I don't want to hear
it. Just leave it in there.

An ostrich in my disabled
toilet?! I want it out, now.

My idea, mr brittas.
I warned you.

Ģ I think we should keep quiet.

Can it get out? On 14
pills it can probably fly!

Ready, mr brittas.

Right, thank you, Linda.

He'sall yours. Justshowme
wherehe is, mrbrittas.

Over there, in that one.

Kill it!

I'm sorry, mr brittas, I can't.

You said anyone who hurtsabishop
deservessplattering, sosplatter!

But it's an animal. Yes.

I thought the damage
wasdone byaperson.

I could shoot a person, I'm
sorry... I just can't shoot an ostrich.

Would you like
tohearmyideanow? What is it, Colin?

These muscle-relaxants are very
strong. Yes. Givehimahandful...

Persuade a birdtoeatyour pills?

They're notpills,
they'resuppositories. Go away.

All you have to do - I've got this
bamboo pole... I said go, colin.

He sighs

give me the rope, Gavin.

Right, this is what will happen.

I will open thedoor, tietherope
round its neck and lead it out.

Colin, youwillclearthewayand
helpmetieittothebicyclerack,

where we'll await
the safari park.

In case itattempts to resist,
therestofyoushouldgo toaplaceofsafety.

Ģ go on then.

Who's a pretty boy, then?

Frantic flapping

aaaaaaagh!

Help!

Colin!

Help!

Aaaaagh!

Colin, help!

Aaagh!

Aaaaaagh!

Aaaagh!

Hymn singing

look out, everyone!

Screaming grab
his legs, someone!

Don't let him get away!
Crashing and banging

I've got him.

Siren wails

broken bones over there, please.

Anyone who came in
contact with the beak,

over there for inoculations.

Pam? You're quite
sure, are you? What?

About not continuing
the broadcast.

We can find another organist.
If it came to it, I'd play it myself.

Can we go, please? When you're better,
call me to set another date, all right?

Here. Present for you.

A little memento of
your visit. I've signed it.

You take it easy now!

The last of the ambulances
has gone, Laura. Good.

I thought we were
quite lucky, really.

Could have been a lot worse.

54 serious injuries? It
seemed bad enough.

Funny, isn't it?

Funny?

How things turn out, Laura.

I've spent the last eight months, just
thinking of coming back to this place.

Managing my centre again.

And now...

What?

Well, it's terrible, but
now it's actually happened,

it all seems a bit...
Samey, you know?

Samey?

Like I've done it all before.

Of course, I know it's the best
job. I'll probably be here in 20 years.

20 years.

I always wonder if, perhaps,
there is something more.

You know, paint on
a broader canvas.

Still, shouldn't worry you
with my troubles, Laura.

No, no.

Would you just excuse
me for a moment?

I've left something...

..Somewhere.

Door slams

builders, builders, builders.

European commissioner...

Did you call me? Laura, I've just
had the most extraordinary idea.