The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 4, Episode 6 - Shall We Dance? - full transcript

The centre will close early at
6.00, giving us time to get changed

before we meet for drinks.

All of which has been
kindly organised by Laura.

We have 40 minutes
for drinks and nibbles...

Also organised by Laura!

I think now's the time
to show our appreciation!

You're very kind - thank you.

So we have to leave by 7.15 -
which brings me to the car roster.

Do you want to do this? No-one
can do it as well you, Laura! Carry on!

Right. It is a
little complicated,

so take a careful look.



Linda, mr brittas wants you
to take Carole and her partner.

Ah, yes. Carole's partner.
If I may interject, Laura.

You may be aware that Carole doesn't
actually have a partner at the moment.

Do you know anyone who'd accompany her - perhaps
an elderly person who doesn't get out too much?

We don't want
anyone feeling left out.

Yes, Gavin? Why can't
she go on her own?

She has to take someone.
Besides, they're double tickets.

I haven't got one.

Something to say, Timothy? I don't
have a partner. Why, what's wrong?

It's not that easy.

This is the area leisure centres'
gala ball - you must have a partner!

He could come with me.

What? I don't have
a partner either!

What is wrong with you boys?



It's a good idea to go
together. I don't mind!

Well, I do! This evening
is for staff and their guests.

You must take a partner. Why should
he be the only one not to? Linda?

I didn't realise we had to
bring someone. Good grief...

But Edward might come. We were at school together.
Thank you, Linda. Why can't you do that, Tim?

Edward's already
going with Linda.

This is serious, Tim!

This is a rare occasion for us to
bond as an adhesive social group.

We can't bond if there's
no-one to bond with.

Sorry I'm late...
sit down, Colin!

..I had trouble getting
someone to come to the dance!

To be honest, I drew a
few blanks to begin with.

But I've cracked it. At 4.30
this morning, it suddenly came.

No-one's interested in your social
life. I am! Who've you got, Colin?

Well, we've a new
milklady on our estate.

I suddenly thought, "why not?"

You've asked a milklady?! I left
a message in one of the bottles!

This morning - along
with an extra pint -

there was a message saying,
"thank you. I accept gratefully."

Not the one with the
sideboards, is it? Yes, she has...

Can we get back to the business
in hand, please? This meeting

is to ensure wehaveanenjoyable,
relaxing andfun-filledtimethisevening.

Now, Laura, you were
telling us aboutthe car roster.

Something'sgoingon! I
can'tbelieveit! He'sup to something!

"No-one does it
as well as Laura!"

"Let's show our appreciation!"

Mr brittas is a
happily married man!

Ask Julie!

Tim says something's going
on between Laura and mr brittas!

What's he up to? Probably
nothing... of course!

Since his wife went on holiday,
he's spent every evening at her house.

Every evening?! He
says he's gardening.

I can't believe mr brittas is having
an improper relationship with...

Laura! Anyone got
time to mop up a floor?

If you're all too
busy, I'll do it myself!

No, no! It was just idle gossip!

What's the problem? Just some blood on the landing.
Mr brittas has been giving marriage guidance classes.

So, what's the
gossip? Nothing, really.

Just a rumour.

And a particularly foolish one with
no substance in reality whatsoever.

Laura! Mr brittas wants
to give you some flowers.

Told you!

I've done it! Done what? I put an
advert in the paper and it's worked!

"Man wanted as dinner-dance partner
by young, attractive career woman."

That's me! Oh...!

Then you give your name, age,
address and two phone numbers.

Someone answered!
I've got a partner!

Be careful. You
don't know what sort...

But I do know him! You do?

He was my very first real
boyfriend. I was just 16.

We were so much in
love, we even got engaged!

But mother made
me return the ring.

She said I could do better than
a rag-and-bone-man's son. Oh!

But he saw my name in the
paper and wondered if it was me.

He never married, you see!

That's wonderful! I'm happy
for you! Are those for me?

Oh, yes. Mr brittas left a
message for you - several, actually.

10.47: "Please ask Laura
to come and see me."

10.43: "If she's available, could I
please have a word with Laura?"

10.52: "Can Laura
come up - nothing urgent."

Thank you, Carole. If anyone
wants me, I'm up with mr brittas!

It was her husband
calling again.

By the way, did you look in
the bar? ..Right. Thanks. Bye!

Any news from Helen? Every
time I call, the hotel says she's out.

Ah. This morning she's lobster
potting with someone called garth.

Still, she's back tomorrow.

Yes, she's driving back fr...
That's a good point, Laura!

Julie, can you bring
in the car roster?

I'm busy!

Thank you, Julie.

Now...

..I've got something for you.

It's a packet of seeds!

They were giving them away at the building
society. You can scatter them around your arbour.

Lovely... oh, that reminds me. I
picked up the photos this morning.

They'll remind you
of all your hard work.

That's not bad, is
it? Yes - look at that!

That looks wonderful!

Not every girl gets an arbour
in return for a few omelettes!

Rather good omelettes, though.
They've been a treat for me.

I don't want to sound disloyal, but
cooking isn't Helen's strong point.

You deserve a drink. I've
enjoyed it, I really have!

Sometimes, when Helen's
away with the children, I get lonely.

But this past week has
been really satisfying.

Here's to satisfaction!
Bottoms up!

Tell you what - why don't you
sit on the edge, there. What?

Sit on the edge.

Right...
Howdoyouworkthiscontraption?

There we go!

Whoops-a-Daisy!

Camera beeps

Laura, can you shove
up a bit? Careful!

It came out well,
didn't it? Yes, it did.

You can keep that one. Could I?

As a memento of
your expertise. Yes.

What's this, then?
Justaprivatephotograph, Julie.

Why do you want the car roster?

Irealisedmy car
isn'tavailable tonight.

I'm not typing it
outagain! Unfortunately,

mrs brittas is incornwall, soiand my
partner needplacesinsomeone's car.

But mrs brittasis incornwall.
So I'll be escorting someone else.

Wemust keep the
numbersright. Who is it?

It will be Laura.

"How big are they?"
Well, I'ma36 double d.

No, I'm wearing tights at the
moment. They're more comfortable.

Oh! All right, I'm
sorry... Notatall. Bye!

Another reply tothe ad, carole?

It was a medicalsurvey. They were
asking some personal questions!

Well, it's someone to talk to,
isn't it? It's nice to be listened to.

So often I'm talking away and
no-one takes any notice and... Colin?

Michael! Is it really you?

Hi Colin, Carole. What
are you doing here?

I...

You've come to see
Laura! Well, if I can.

Course you can! She's on foot-bath
duty. Wait and I'll go and tell her!

She'll be so thrilled! Do you
think she'll be thrilled, Carole?

She never wants to see me again?

So she said when
she threw things at you.

I hoped she'd forget.

No - she still has the "I
don't trust men" badge.

I made a mistake,
Carole. I want to try again.

It's only recently I've realised
just how much I need her.

I know what you mean, Michael!

I made a mistake myself
with someone very special.

But if we're lucky, that special
someone can give us a second chance.

Boss.

I've waited a long time for this.
Get yourself a taxi. I'll see you later.

This time, Carole, I won't
take no for an answer!

I hope he'll be
here by lunchtime.

Does that biscuit
belong to anyone?

You mean Emily's rusk?

She fell asleep and I
haven't had a chance...

Are you hungry?

It's been two days...

That's awful! Go straight to the
canteen and get something to eat.

I can't get anything.
I have no money.

No money? But
you've got millions!

Billions. But not any more. The old
man cut me off. We had a disagreement.

-That's awful! What about?
-Shoes, mostly.

Shoes?

Well, it was late
on a Saturday night.

The old man was
laying down the law

about how only tight-assed
englishmen wear laces.

I gave him some statistics. He says,
"what do you know about shoes?"

Then he told me to get a job.

Ohh!

I don't need this just because
he pays my allowance! So I quit.

That's very brave
of you, Michael!

Yeah! Sitting out on the street,

I thought, "if I'm to live with no
money, the person to do it with is Laura."

-I see!
-So, if you don't want the rusk...

Don't be so silly, Michael! I
can give you money for food!

In fact, I'll cook it myself.

I couldn't take money
from you! No, no!

Is this enough?

You're quite
right - have it all!

I'll settle with Ben, later.

I'll write a note to tell Colin where
we are. And you, come with me.

This way!

"Restaurant"? Excuse
me, where's the restaurant?

Up the stairs, third right, second
left, and don't touch the fish!

Colin!

What's the meaning
of this? Sorry?

Bend down, Colin. Pardon?

Bend down, Colin, and look
at the floor from this angle.

Tell me what you see,
Colin. What do I see?

What you see, Colin,
is a wet floor. Think!

Right. What if a disabled person
took the corner too fast, lost control,

and jammed two fingers
up the electric sockets?

That would be terrible! That's
why we have warning signs!

That's what I went downstairs for!
But I got distracted by a message.

You're not paid
to get distracted -

not when a lethal floor is
unmarked by danger signs. Get them.

Right! I'll give Laura her message
later. This is far more important!

Colin! Yes, mr brittas? You
have a message for Laura?

An important one - but that's no
excuse. What sort of message?

Her husband's arrived.
What - Michael t. Farrell?!

He's waiting to speak to her.
Why? He knows how she feels!

I think he wants to try... I'm not
having someone pestering my staff.

Take him to my office and
don't take any arguments. Right.

I'll get the signs... forget that!
Go get Farrell and I'll find Laura.

Excuse me! I'm busy. Any
complaints, put them in the box.

What? In the box! Sorry...

Over here, we have
a suggestion box.

You put this in here and I'll deal
with it when I've a spare moment.

Carole: Sunny side up for
the egg? And not broken.

I'll just go and do another one.

Ģ You want to
make up with Laura?

That's the idea. Yes.

Something wrong?
No, it's a good idea.

It's just... Don't say
there's someone else?

Well... Oh, shoot! Who is he?

It's not definite.

But she's spent
a lot of time with...

..One particular person.

Is it serious?
Flowers, dinner...

-Goes to her house every evening...
-That's serious.

What's he like, this guy?

-Not everyone's idea of fun!
-Hardworking, trustworthy, honest...

She's always had a
hankering for that type.

Maybe you can talk her round.

Maybe. Did you find her, Colin?

Bad news. She won't see me?

Mr brittas wants to
see you. I'll finish this...

My orders are to take you
up now - by force if necessary.

Knock at door come in!

Ah, it's you. Gordon, good to
see you! Sit down, mr Farrell.

I'm afraid I'll have to ask
you to leave the centre.

I've a few things to say, first.

Right.

Word has reached me you've
borrowed money off our receptionist.

Actually, it was
a guy called Ben.

Ben is a three-year-old child.
And Carole isn't much better.

It wasn't a lot.

It was to Ben! It was
his Christmas money.

Please reimburse him.
I don't know when...

I hear you want
to see my deputy.

Yes. May I ask why?
It's kinda personal.

Mr Farrell, the last
time you came here,

your estranged wife made it clear
she wanted nothing to do with you.

I know, but... then, you had a large
income and expected to inherit more.

You have neither, now.

That's right. She
won't look at you.

All you'll do is upset her, not to mention close friends
she's made on the staff. What will you say to her?

I thought I'd start by asking
her to your dance. What?!

The guys were talking about it
and... you can't do that! Why not?

It's for couples!

I am a couple! Laura's my wife!

Only in the
technical, legal sense.

Anyway, you can't come
without a dinner-jacket!

That's handy! It's the one thing I
remembered to pick up before I left.

Get this into your head - she's
not going to take you back, ever!

I got a message that
you wanted... Hi, Laura!

Sorry, Laura. I hoped you wouldn't
have to go through this nonsense.

What are you doing
here? I came to see you!

He's lost all his money. What?!

It's a complicated story.

He wants to sponge
off you, Laura!

Can we talk, someplace?
Tellhimtoget out - I did.

Please, can we
have a bit of time?

All right - five minutes.

I'll wait outside.

Two blasts if you need me,
laura. Thank you, mr brittas.

Hello? I just...

Ha! This'll get you!

♪ I'm so sexy... ♪

excuse me!

Hello!

You're always complaining when
idothat! Ssh! This is important!

I can't hear anything. It has
gonerather quiet, hasn't it?

Out the way, Julie!

Laura, if there's a prob...

Last one... out! Get out!

I told you, Carole, nothing's
goingto keep us apart this time!

Nothing!

I'm coming, Carole! I'm coming!

..Yes, I'm tryingtolocate
ronaldsudbury.

He's left? Oh,
it's not important.

He said he'd be here by lunchtime...
It doesn't matter. Thanks. Goodbye.

I'll need a shovel,
Carole. Yes, mrs brittas.

And two bin-liners,
if you have them.

God, what a journey! Four children
projectile vomiting from st austell!

Oh, dear! Are they ill?

I think it was
the crab they ate.

You never know with restaurants.

Restaurant? This was a dead
one they found on the beach!

And when I got
here, I found the dog!

Who'd tie their animal to the
back of someone else's car?

Dog?

Why didn't it bark? Guide dogs
they're just too well trained!

You ran over a
guide dog outside?

Not here - st austell. I
wondered what the bumping was!

Gordon can scrape it
off. Is he in his office?

Yes, he's talking to Laura.

He does not want
to be disturbed...

As it's you, I'm sure it's fine.

You're taking him
back?! Yes. But why?

You're intelligent, quite
attractive, fairly neatly dressed...

Thanks. You could have anyone,
yet you chose him. I don't understand.

I love him. I know it would be easier if I loved
someone honest, hard-working and trustworthy.

But I love Michael.

He's been unfaithful to
you! He says he won't be.

And you believe him, do you?

Well, he doesn't deserve it.

Some people struggle through
life without his advantages.

Holding down a job, living honestly, not taking money
from children... And what do they get? I'll tell you.

Helen! I can't take any more. I've
had enough. I've had it up to here!

You're supposed to be
in cornwall! Well, I'm not!

I've just driven 300 miles with
two children being sick in a bag,

another one trying to eat it, and one screaming
because I won't play magnetic scrabble!

You take over. Here. I
didn't expect you till tomorrow!

It was meant to be
a surprise! Surprise?

I wanted to go to
the dance with you.

I knew how important you
think it is to have a partner. So I...

I just thought...

So, here I am.

Welcome back, Helen.

Thanks, Laura.
Sorry if I'm a bit...

Someone's been sick in this! Only partly.
Most of it went in the cassette player.

I'll go down to the children. Would
you? But don't let them see the dog.

Dog? Not now, Gordon! Let
me get cleaned up a bit, first.

God, it smells in here!

I told you, Carole!

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Carole... i may be a
bit longer. Hang on!

Hubbub of conversation

Another one, Colin?
Cheers, pauline.

You two? We're fine, thanks.

We're in for a fun evening, eh?
Smashing girl! And what an outfit!

She loves dressing up.

Yes! Colin... yes, Laura?

You do know... what? Nothing.

Have a potato chip.

Mr brittas, I'd like you to meet
Edward. Who? Edward - mr brittas.

Pleased to meet you.

This is your boyfriend? Yes.

You said someone
you met at school!

Yes! He was my headmaster.

We shared an interest
in sailing. And netball.

Yes, of course. If you'll
just excuse me, please.

Would you believe it, eh?
What? My staff and their guests.

Laura's with her lounge lizard.
Linda's with grandpa Moses.

And Colin... I mean, have
you seen who Colin brought?

Gordon, you haven't told him,
have you? You'd ruin his evening!

Gavin and Tim didn't
bother to bring anyone.

Then there's Julie and her man.
I haven't seen him yet. You won't.

He parked a new BMW outside
and got nicked for car theft.

There isn't a normal couple
here! Except us, of course.

And as for Carole...

Just a few more
seconds, my darling.

Wait for me!

Here I come,
Carole. Wait for me.

Agghh!

Agghhh!

Bumps and thuds

aghh!

Aagghhhh!!

See you on the ice, mr brittas!

Possibly.

You can't go out like
that - you'll get soaked.

I don't think so, Gordon.

The rain seems to have stopped.
So it has. And look - a rainbow!

Come on, you can't stand there. Just
a few minutes - in case he's delayed.

He hasn't been
delayed. He's not coming.

But he said on the phone! If he
wanted to be here, he'd be here.

It can't have been
that important to him.

I know, I'm sure you're
right. It's just that I hoped...

Some things in life you can't have.
You have to make the best of it.

Colin and pauline are giving
us a lift on the milk float.

-Coming, Carole?
-I suppose so.

Oh, look! It's
starting to rain again!

Come on, let's party.

Carole!