The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 4, Episode 5 - Playing with Fire - full transcript

Ah, Laura, not
interrupting, am I?

Morning, mr brittas.
Energy conservation week...

..And consumption's
up! It's the photocopying!

So, I thought a
survey might help.

If the staff fill in these for every
electrical item in the building,

we'll know when the
greatest savings can be made.

Five pages? Yes. I've combined it
with a safety check to save paper.

So, if you take them round,
keeping one for yourself, of course,

for... the tape
recorder! Oh, good (!)

You wanna move your
arms up further than that.

Sorry? To get the full benefit on your subclavius!
You gotta stretch! That's it! That's good!



In fact, that's very good.

You're not usually this early. No, no, this is usually
family breakfast time, but they're all in cornwall.

I thought you were on holiday next week. I am, Laura.
Helen got a bit confused and booked the wrong week.

They've gone without you? Funnily enough,
they made the same mistake last year.

Still, these things
happen, eh? Uh-huh?

Please - allow me!

There you go.

How are you managing? Pardon?

You know, for food and
things? No problem there, Laura.

Helen left the deep-freeze full of pizzas.
Plenty of variety. You never get bored.

If you fancy a change, you're
welcome for supper. Supper?

Tonight, if you like.

Yes, well, you don't have to decide now. No, no,
Laura, I'm grateful, and I'll do the form for you.

Form? For the tape-recorder.
I'll fill in the details.



One good turn deserves another.

Smells good. Would you like one?

Ben's having friends for tea and
I don't like buying from the shops.

Try these, Colin. No, thank you.

Yeast is bad for the
flaky skin in my armpits.

Could you help me?

Of course! What can we do?

Have you been to the toilet today?
This isn't brittas, is it? Pardon?

We said we wouldn't co-operate
with a bowel movement chart.

No, this is a
personal project, Tim.

I'm estimating the raw material for
the methane generator I've made.

You want to know if we can... I need a
constant supply passing through the system...

Sorry, Colin, I'm a "straight
after breakfast" man. Carole?

I don't like the idea...
It's not compulsory!

But we all have to go. Why not use
it to help to save the environment?

It's the toilet by the squash courts
if you change your minds. All right?

Chocolate buns and a chat with
Colin. Days like this make life worthwhile.

Excuse me.

Welcome-to-the-leisure-centre-
how-may-i-help?

I'm looking for mr
featherly. He works here?

Oh, Gavin! I think
he's in the staff room.

Is Gavin there? I have a
young lady in reception.

-Who shall I say is calling?
-Jennifer pelham young, his fiancee.

Is everything all right, Carole?

Yes, I'm fine. This
lady is looking for Gavin.

-She's his fiancee!
-Gavin's fiancee?!

He does work here?
Yeah, he works here.

Are you ok? There
was a big crash!

Fine, thanks, Tim.
Where's Gavin?

-He's in brittas' office.
-I'll take you. Come on!

Who's that? A woman
to see Gavin. Who is she?

No-one, no-one
at all. It's just...

Oh, Tim! It's so awful!

You poor baby!

Knock at door

come in! Have you seen Gavin?

Gavin's gone into town
to get a three-amp fuse.

Oh, only I've got his fiancee
here. Fee-ants-ay! Well, bring her in!

How do you do?
Gordon brittas, manager.

Jennifer pelham young. I
hope I'm not disturbing you.

Posh voice: Oh, no, not at all,
no! Please, sit yourself down!

Gavin's feeantsay! We had no
idea, did we, Julie? Certainly didn't.

I've been away. I flew
into Heathrow today.

So he doesn't know
you're here. It's a surprise.

I'd say it will be.

I'm a bit nervous. What if he won't
see me? Five years is a long time.

You're worried he might have found
someone else! I couldn't blame him.

We can reassure you there, Jennifer. In all his years
here, Gavin hasn't looked at a gal, has he, Julie?

Spot on, mr brittas!

You're sure about that? Absence is a test of any
relationship but your Gavin passed with flying colours.

Such a relief! Shall I
see if he's back yet?

And you'll bring him straight
up here? You bet I will!

It doesn't mean anything.
How can it not mean anything?

I've been out with engaged men.
It doesn't make any difference.

How could he lie to
me all these years?

Maybe it's a mistake. What?

Maybe she's confusing him
with another Gavin featherly.

-D'you think so?
-It's the only possible explanation.

Yes! Yes, you could be right.
I always overreact like this.

I thought you'd like a
word before I take him up.

What's going on? Tim?

You've had a visitor. Yes?

She says she's your fiancee.

Jenny?! Jenny's here!

I knew this would happen!

Creaking

Colin? Ah, Laura!
Just in time for coffee!

Mr brittas wants everyone
to fill in these forms

for every bit of
electrical equi...

What is this?!

It's a methane digester,
Laura! Ye-s-s-s...

It's my contribution to
energy conservation.

I've bypassed the waste-pipe from the toilet
upstairs so it comes into this settlement tank,

where hungry enzymes eat
the material, producing methane,

which is burnt here, producing
steam which turns this generator,

and produces... Electricity!

I thought mr brittas
wanted a feasibility study.

That's what I'm doing,
seeing if it's feasible and it is!

I'm not going
through the motions!

And as a by-product, it produces
water safe enough to use in coffee.

That's wonderful, Colin.

Toilet flushes you're in luck!
You're gonna see it in action!

Oh, good.

'Thank you for your co-operation. Your waste
product is being recycled. Please call again.'

we've just got to wait for the material
to work its way through the system.

And there you have it, see!

Power!

Not exactly the national grid!

Which is why I'm fitting a
transformer to increase the power

to domestic voltage! There's
only one problem, Laura.

There's not enough coming through. I've asked the
staff but they prefer to go at home. Any suggestions?

D'you know, I'm gonna
leave that one with you, Colin.

Thunder crashes
domestic voltage!

So, both your parents
are dead! I believe so.

I am sorry. Do you remember
anything about them? Sadly not.

I'm an amnesiac. I can't remember before my 16th
birthday. After that, it's all clear. Before... Nothing.

I see. I'm told they were scientists
specialising in oceanic mammals.

People say I should be proud of
them but I don't remember. It's annoying!

Yes, they probably did.

When did you get
engaged? When I was 18.

5 years, 7 months
and 14 days ago.

I've got him. Ah, thank you, Tim.
And here he is, the man himself!

Hello, Jenny.

Oh, Gavin. It's so
wonderful to see you!

I've got your fuse, mr brittas.

Gavin, that's no way to greet a
feeantsay. Give her a proper kiss!

Don't worry. We've seen
it all before. Eh, Tim?

Th-a-a-a-a-t's more like it!

Right, you two lovebirds are gonna
want to spend time alone together -

the rest-room, I suggest. And forget
the volley-ball court. We'll do that.

Tim, I... Go on, off you go.

Who'd have thought? Did you know
they were engaged? No. No, I didn't.

Well, he's landed on his feet. Beautiful, intelligent,
and rather wealthy. The ideal partner, I'd say.

Yes, perfect!
Absolutely perfect!

Do I detect a
note of bitterness?

Bitter? Why would I be bitter?

It may not be obvious to you, but to a trained
observer, your body language is saying, "I hurt."

You're not happy about
Gavin getting married, are you?

Let me tell you something,
Tim. I had a chum once.

We shared a flat, just like you and Gavin.
In fact, we shared everything together.

Wherever he went,
I was there with him.

Then suddenly, without warning, I came home one
evening to find out he'd gone to live in Borneo!

Friendship's like that. Sooner or
later, they end. We must accept it.

How could he do it to me, mr brittas? Tim, I think the
best thing is if you think about how Gavin must feel.

How happy and excited he must be at the prospect of
spending his life with someone beautiful and gorgeous

and who obviously adores him.

Now, you don't want
him to miss that, do you?

Is that any help, Tim?

I thought it might!

Another form from mr
brittas. About saving energy.

I save where I can. Which
is why I have... A microwave.

A microwave?!

70% less power than a conventional
cooker. We must care for the world.

I have nightmares about the world Ben and the
twins are growing up in. Yes, it worries me (!)

I always use a full load in the washing machine
on economy setting. You have a washing machine?

A washer drier, Laura.
The babies, you know.

But there is only one power
point behind there! There is.

Just the one form? I
think we'll miss you out.

Excuse me.

Welcome-to-the-leisure
centre-how-may-i-help?

Is the lady ready?
The meter's ticking.

You must be here for
Gavin's fiancee. I'll find her.

Did you say Gavin's fiancee?
Yes, she came down this morning.

Only the clock's up to £240.

Gavin? Has a fiancee?! Yes! She's in the staff
room. I'm just going to call her. Let me do this.

There's this one, the rectory, which doesn't have
a pool, but has seven bedrooms and bigger stabling.

Excuse me. There's
a taxi outside.

Goodness, I'd forgotten. He'll
want some money. About £240.

Right.

On second thoughts, we
should ask him to hang on.

We'll need him this
afternoon. Well...

House-hunting? You have
to do these things quickly!

So we're going out this afternoon.
This afternoon? You're on pool duty.

Oh! Hadn't thought of that!
He doesn't have to, does he?

Well... mr brittas is very strict
about that, isn't he, Laura?

You can't change the timetable.

But these are special circumstances, I'm sure
mr brittas would understand. I'll talk to him.

And I'll have a word with the
taxi driver on the way. Love you.

Mmmmm, love you!

Gavin, what the hell is
going on?! Laura, please!

Are you engaged to her? Technically,
yes. Technically? What do you mean?

It's complex. Not
easy to explain.

Well I think you should try. Let's
start at the beginning, shall we?

It was a long time ago. I'd been
sent to relations in derbyshire.

There'd been a bit of trouble at the
local gym. There was a court case.

I met this girl... Jenny. Yes, we
got on well, we liked the same things.

Anyway, on my 19th birthday, I
asked her to marry me. Just like that?!

It had a lot of advantages. But before it happened,
she had relapsed, and got sent back to the mental home.

Oh-h. Which is where
she's been ever since.

I'm sorry, Gavin. If you'd rather
not talk... I don't care who knows!

It's ok! He doesn't care!

What sort of mental home?

-A clinic in Scotland.
-She's been banged up?!

Have you seen her? I wrote.
The doctor said it was important.

But you didn't tell her about Tim?
No, I didn't. I think you ought to.

How can I? She said she's cured
because I gave her a reason to live.

If I let her down, she'll be back
where she started. What shall I do?

Gosh! It's not easy, is it?

There's something
rather impressive about it.

A full-blooded male's feeantsay goes away for
five years and he doesn't look at another woman.

And it can't have
been that easy, can it?

There's temptation everywhere, we all know
that. From some very attractive ladies.

The thing to do, Tim, is remember that while our
loved ones are away, a promise is still a promise,

and we'll have to face
them when they get ba...

..When they get
back from cornwall

in a week's time!

Would you mind taking
a note to Laura for me?

It's just that Gavin has reminded
me of a rather important principle.

Could you give this to Laura, with my regrets and I
hope she's not too disappointed. Would you do that?

Knock come in!

Ah, Jenny, what
can I do you for?

Sorry to bother you,
mr brittas. Gordon!

I wanted to ask if Gavin
could come house-hunting.

Violent sobs

thanks, Tim!

Only someone said there might be a problem with
this pool duty. He is on this afternoon, yes.

Could you get someone to cover,
only we've got two places to see today...

Whoa.

I'm afraid our timetable is poised to
give a roster of shared responsibility.

You mean...

We never make changes to our
timetable. Are you saying I can't go?

Not with Gavin, I'm
afraid. Tell you what!

He's off on Sunday.
You can have all day then.

Is that all right, Jenny?

Jenny? Yes, of course.
Thank you so much.

I have to go now. If you have
any problems, just tell me, all right?

Colin! The very person!

There's a notice on the staffroom toilet
that says, "danger! 50,000 volts." Ah!

And one in the main block telling us not
to sit down as "rodding" is in progress.

What's it all about? It's all part
of a little subterfuge of mine.

I'm trying to channel the lavatory usage
through the toilet by the squash courts.

So all the material
ends up in my...

..Methane digester, yes. It's
in a very good cause, Laura.

I reckon we could be self-sufficient
by February if everyone would push!

Yes, I know! But I would be
grateful if you left the ladies out of it.

What are these? Thetaxidriver
leftthem.They'rejenny's.

Well, they can't
stay here. I'll...

Good grief! What's
she got in here?!

I think it's petrol. What?!

I noticed stuff seeping out so I
opened it and tightened the can.

It is petrol!

What's in the
others? Oh, Laura...

Firelighters and kindling!

It's extraordinary what
people take on a journey!

Can I help you? Oh, hello. I've
lost an earring and it was rather dark.

Oh, you don't want to use a match. Not down here!
You could cause a nasty fire. Do you think so?

It's an arsonist's paradise here!
Jammed full of combustibles!

It's not just the sawdust. It's the oxy-acetylene,
paint, newspapers... where are they?

Under the tank. That is the biggest danger! Really?
Methane! Highly inflammable! How very interesting!

Just something I've made that powers the generator
to light that bulb. Gosh! Does it really?

It's more impressive when working,
but we do rely on people upstairs...

I'd set it going myself
but today I've already...

Oh, I don't know. I'll give it a shot. Tell you
what. I'll go upstairs. Give me five minutes.

Better make that ten. When you hear
a flush, keep your eyes on the bulb!

Heavy footsteps

what the hell is going on,
Carole? Gabbles: Mrbris?

There's a note on mywashroomdoor
saying, "beware! Acid spillage!"

When I godownstairs, bywhich
time I'm in no mood forjokes,

I see another notice saying, "no
entry! Adverse weather conditions!"

There's another one!

It's Colin. Colin?
Imighthaveknown. Where is he?

Resources recycling unit? Where?

You gave him that roombetweenthe
boilerand the pool chemical plant.

I said he could be buried in it,
and when I find him, hewillbe.

Itallcomesdown toourparents.

It'salwaystheparents.
Gladididn't have any!

What about the parents? They died when she was 16.
Their plane crashed rescuing a dolphin stuck on the ice.

They did a lot of flying
around, saving dolphins.

Can't have left time for
Jenny. That was the problem.

When they died, it set up a conflict in her
mind. She felt angry cos they'd left her again,

but she couldn't express it. Everyone
called them saints! She blotted them out.

The amnesia. But she was still
angry! She couldn't let it out normally...

..So she set fire
to things. Arson!

Yes. Just as well
she's cured! Gavin!

What hospital was she
in? Why? Give them a ring.

I'll kill him!

Where are you, Colin?

Good grief!

Oi! What you doing?!

Aargh! Help! Help!

Help! Help me!

Right! Bye.

You're absolutely right! She's not cured at all!
She was on day release. They're trying to trace her!

What do we do now?

The doctor's coming by helicopter.
We must keep an eye on her.

Where is she? I wonder if
you could help me? Later, Colin!

Have you seen her since she went
to brittas? I need you to use the loo.

That was 15 minutes ago! She can't
be there! I overestimated my capacity.

I have promised the lady...

Colin! Lady?

Jenny? Who? Long red hair!

That's her! And I promi...
Where is she? The basement.

Right! Linda, we
keep her talking.

Gavin, you hide those suitcases. The doctor says the
important thing is not to get her upset. Absolutely!

We mustn't let her get angry!

Where's mr brittas?!

What's wrong with house-hunting?!
Let him go, you selfish swine!

You don't care, do you?
You just don't care! I hate you!

I hate you!

You're just...
You're just like my...

..Parents!

This is a girl who
can't express anger?!

Jenny, it's all right. What?

It's me. It's all right.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just...

He made me so angry!

It reminded me of my parents.

You don't remember
your parents. Yes, I do.

Gavin!

I remember everything!

Is she ok?

Yes. Yes, I'm fine.

Come on, Jenny. Come on.

You come along with us.

Come on. This way

are you all right, mr brittas?

In high voice: Just get me
out of this thing, please, Laura.

Quite a strong girl,
wasn't she, mr brittas?

We're gonna need a
hack-saw, Colin. Right-oh, Laura.

Don't worry, mr brittas, you're
quite safe now. We're here!

Toilet flushes

'thank you for your co-operation. Your waste
product is now being re-cycled. Please call again.'

The ambulance is leaving if
you wanted to say goodbye.

Not particularly.

Doctor baumburger has asked
me to tell you how grateful he is.

Grateful?

Apparently, they've tried to get her to release her
feelings for years. They couldn't make her angry enough.

They say it's a real
breakthrough for her.

All these years, she's been trapped in her past! And
now suddenly, she's free! And it's all thanks to you!

Me?

The doctor would like to talk to
you about it. Find out how you did it.

Did he? He said you
have a very special talent.

Well, Laura, it's... oh, I got your note. Sorry?
About not wanting supper. That's fine. No problem.

They're taking her back to
the clinic, are they? Not for long!

She's well on the way
to recovery. It's a miracle!

Mr brittas, how can I thank you?

It's ok, Gavin. It can be
an early wedding present.

There won't be a
wedding, mr brittas.

That girl depends on you. You can't cast her off
cos she's mentally unstable. No, it's not that.

Some very successful
marriages are to disturbed ladies.

At least you know now and won't
find out two days into the honeymoon!

I'm sorry, mr brittas. I... I
just couldn't go through with it.

You have to. You promised, Gavin
and you can't go back on your word.

Believe me, if things
were different, I'd love to.

-Are you ready to come home, Gavin?
-Thanks, Timmy!

But it wouldn't have worked.

Tsk! There are few more depressing sights in this
world, Linda, than a man going back on his word.

You're wrong, mr brittas. What?

About Gavin and Jenny. People can't always decide
what's best by a set of rules. Life's more complicated.

The only thing we can really do is
what we feel is right in our hearts.

It may not be easy, but following our hearts is the
only chance we get for real fulfilment and happiness.

Well, that's what
I think, anyway.

Woman sings

is that you, Laura?

Aargh!

Mr brittas! I was wondering
if that invitation was still on.

Sorry? Could I change
my mind about supper?

You mean tonight? If that's
all right, yes. Yes, that's fine!

E-x-x-x-cellent! What
time shall I come round at?

Could we talk after I've
finished my shower? Right, ok!

I'll wait outside!

And we can talk it over
while you're getting dressed!