The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Christening - full transcript

Organ music:
"Thine be the glory"

right, you're in! As soon as the
music starts, you move forwards...

Right, that's good. Now,
Matthew's godparents come this side.

And Mark's godparents come
this side. That's good, that's nice...

When the voluntary ends,
da da da... Turns off music

after a brief word of welcome, the babies are
passed to the parents. Matthew goes to myself...

No, not me, Linda! No?

For this rehearsal, I am my brother,
the reverend Horatio brittas. Sorry.

I'm mr brittas! Thank you,
Colin. So, Matthew goes to me...

Mark goes to mrs brittas... she's
not here. She went to buy her hat.

Right... shall I stand in for her? Right. Right. So...
I'm mrs brittas, and I've just given me the baby.



The parents keep the babies...

Colin, where are you going? I'm
afraid we had a bit of an accident.

Colin, come back. I'll get a nappy. It's not a real
baby. What? It's a dummy. It's not the only one.

Are you sure? I borrowed it from Carole. But it was
crying. I gave it a drink! That's why it wet itself.

It's a cry and wet doll. You
put water in and it comes out...

Could we get on? It's very
realistic! Just hold it, Colin!

Right... when we get to the part where
the vicar asks, "who names this child?"

The chief godparent of each child
steps forward, collects the babies

and brings them to the
font... Well, come on, team!

But I'm holding a candle! You're not supposed to
have a candle! I'll be holding the candle. But...

All right, Colin! Thank you!
I'll take it, shall I? Right...

So, Tim goes to collect one baby, and the
godparent... why is there no godparent on this side?

I'm being your wife. I'll be Laura. Baby
'crying' Colin, must we listen to that?

I'm sorry, I can't seem to stop it! If you don't
change its nappy, it just gets louder and louder.



My sister has one. Someone take
the batteries out! Batteries? I'll do it.

Thank you. Now perhaps we
can get on... Well, come on, Linda!

We're waiting! Me? You're Laura!
Oh, yes. Well, you go and get Mark.

Which one's Mark? They're twins!
Just take one and let Tim take one.

From Colin? Yes! Is Colin you?
What? What about uncle Herbert? Who?

Mr brittas, I've been thinking... No
need for anyone to think! It's simple!

I'll go through it again. I am the reverend
Horatio brittas. Laura is mrs brittas, my wife.

Colin is me except
for when he's Colin.

Tim is uncle Herbert,
Matthew's main godparent,

and he and Laura, who's being Linda, get the babies from
me who is Colin and mrs brittas who's Laura. Simple!

He's here. Thank
you, Julie. Who?

Your brother! He
wants to see you.

Laura, take over. Try to
get them to concentrate!

More 'crying' I'll
take the batteries out.

Colin... yes?
This is a real one.

Here, Ben! Who's a good
boy for asking mummy?

Mr brittas! The
cake's here! What?

Isn't it beautiful? If someone
would deliver it to the sports hall.

I'll guard it with
my life! Crying

oh, my word! We have had a little rainstorm,
haven't we? Mummy should have asked you earlier!

And give this
prayer-book to Laura?

You're early, bruv. Gordon! Julie gave you a
coffee, I hope? She said she'd rather not bother.

Right... good. So
what can I do you for?

Well... Julie said you wanted
a word. Yes. It's happened.

What's happened?

You don't notice anything different
about me? A sort of... Radiance?

Another visit from an angel?

In a sense, I suppose I have. Her
name is Philippa. She lives in horsham.

You've met a girl! Not just a
girl. I think this might be the girl.

That's fantastic!

Yes, but I really...
I need your advice.

Of course! Let me tell you the
golden rule in these matters. Yes?

I once heard a wise man say, the way to handle
a woman is to love her, simply love her...

Merely love her, love her...

Love her. Yes, yes, I see that. I was thinking
more about... You see, there's a bit of a problem.

Right.

Is the prayer-book here? Sorry? The prayer-book? You
won't put it in your mouth or anything, will you?

I must say, I
wasn't planning to.

Here.

What's happened,
Carole? Nothing.

Oh, Laura, it's so
awful! Morning, all!

Helen! Now, tell me honestly.
What do you think? This one, or this?

I want to look mature and
dignified, still, young and vivacious...

But warm and welcoming in a
womanly, wifely sort of way. You know?

Never mind. Can
I leave the twins?

Oh, yes! Plenty of room here!

Well, not in a drawer... The cupboard...?
I'll take them. Bless you, Laura.

Helen... yes? Where are
they? Hm? The children?

So what's wrong with her, then? Nothing's wrong
with her! She's a wonderful person! It's just...

Yes? It's just... Marriage is a
very big step. It certainly is, bruv!

Your relationship with Helen has
always seemed just about perfect.

Well, I am unusually blessed
in that respect, Horatio, yes.

So how did you decide? Obviously, I was in love with
Helen. But I asked myself certain hard questions.

Questions. Yes. For instance,
does she share my interests?

Is she honest? Are we physically compatible? 'Course,
you're not allowed to find that out, are you?

Not really, no.

But the question that cost the most soul-searching,
was: "What sort of mother will she be to my children?"

Gordon! Could I have a word?
Not now, I... now, Gordon!

She's pretty sure she had
them with her in the butcher's,

and in Smith's, right,
Helen? Yes, I think so... right.

Somewhere between there and here, she put
them down... And forgot to pick them up again.

Laura? Right. The red ribbon
represents mrs brittas' route,

and the green circles are where she
thinks she stopped before catching the bus.

Right, and there are eight of them,
so I think we should take one each.

Shouldn't we call the police?
They have been notified, Timothy.

I feel so awful! And today's just
the day we need them! All right...

If Linda takes Smith's. Tim, oddbins. Patrick,
sainsbury's... Oh, could I do sainsbury's?

Pardon? I'm
planning a casserole...

..It doesn't matter.

Julie, if you could take the jolly
farmer. Laura, marcelle's wine bar.

Colin, the park. The bench nearest
the bandstand, isn't that right?

Problem, Colin? I was wondering
how we'd recognise them. What?

The twins. Were they
wearing distinctive clothing?

I knew someone would ask that! Colin, how many twins
do you think get lost in whitbury in a morning?

Willco, mr brittas! And I shall
take the Belgian chocolate shop.

When you arrive at your location,
ask the manager politely, please,

if my wife left a pair of twins there some time
after half-past ten this morning. Right! Let's move!

I've just had the most marvellous
idea, mr brittas. Have you?

The best way to find anything! Yes? The one
sure way! A postcard in the newsagent's window.

What? Only a few pence, and you'd
be amazed how many people see them!

A few years back, my mother
lost a very important urine sample...

Colin, would you go outside and lie down in front
of the minibus? Right away! Any particular reason?

Yes, I'm driving it into town... I'm sorry, we're
closed till the weekend. Minibus keys, Carole.

Do you always talk
like that? Pardon?

It's not very welcoming. I'm sorry. We're closed.
I think we're making a presumption here! Are we?

We're presuming we know why I'm here,
and we haven't actually asked, have we?

Actually, we don't particularly
care why you're here!

That's what's wrong with
our service industries today!

We don't take the time to
find out what people want.

As a matter of fact, I'm dealing
with a personal emergency!

I think personal problems should be left in the bathroom
cabinet. I'm not going to be lectured by you! No.

I'm just the customer! I wonder
what your manager would say!

He'd say that anyone as
brainless, rude and stupid as you...

Philippa! Darling!

You've met my intended, Gordon?

Dear me! Losing the children. That must be a bit
of a blow, Gordon. Is there anything I can do?

I don't think so, bruv. You could try
explaining to the guests. Right! Leave it to me.

I hope you find them! What? The children!
In the chocolate shop. Well, obviously!

Morning! My wife thinks she may
have left two children here. Children?

Yes, have you seen them? Sorry, no. Right... but I
only came on at 12. I'll look in the back. Oh, thanks.

Eh, two children, you said? Yes.
Could you describe them? Pardon?

What they looked like. Twins. 3
months old. White bonnets. White?

I think so. No, 'fraid not.

What do you mean? No
babies in white bonnets.

I dunno. It could have been blue, yellow...
blue? No. Nothing in blue either, I'm afraid.

Let me see!

There aren't any
babies in there!

I never said there were. Oh,
for...! I could look upstairs.

What? If any children were here,
they'd be upstairs with my wife.

Shall I ask? Thank you. So, it's
two small children in white bonnets

but it could be... Blue? Have you
any idea how frustrating this is?

Yes, I do. Well, then... my daughter won the
national under-14's gymnastic trophy last week. What?

I wasn't there to watch her. I was wearing
black-soled shoes and I wasn't allowed in.

So I went home and changed!

No late arrivals! Leisure centre policy! So I
never got to see my only daughter's achievement!

It was something
of a disappointment.

There aren't any babies upstairs!
No. You're just wasting my time.

Yes! Annoying, isn't it?

Any luck? No. What about
the others? Nothing definite.

The police checked all
the number 46 buses...

Still no news, Gordon? No. How
are the guests? We looked after them.

Yes... down in the hall, are they? No, no, we decided
that the best thing to do was to send them home.

We don't want to go wasting other people's time,
do we? Who knows what commitments they might have?

It's a question of
manners, really.

You told my guests to go home?

Philippa explained. They were
amazed. Losing two babies on a bus!

But I gather she's a bit like that. Have
you considered fostering? What did she say?

Ah! Helen! We haven't
met. Helen? Philippa belmot.

Did she say I can't look after my
babies? You did leave them on a bus.

And you've never
left anything on a bus?

Helen... it's just that not all
women are suited to parenting...

You cow! Calm down!
Nobody calls me a bad mother!

Mr brittas! Not now! We can't
afford another lawsuit! It's the police!

Linda, into the rest room. Get her
cleaned up, please. Sorry, Horatio.

Stay here, Helen! ..Speaking. Right, I'll ask her.
Was it a 46? What? Did you say you took a 46 bus?

Yes. Have they found them? Helen, a 46 doesn't
go anywhere near the high street! Doesn't it?

You got on at the war memorial, right? Yes,
I did! That's a 64! Sorry. It was a 64 bus.

Right, I'll hang on. Perhaps I ought to apologise.
What? To Philippa. I think you've done enough.

But I ought to say something.
Ok, but be tactful about it!

Yes, I'm hanging on for sgt fanshaw. I know
this is an emergency line. This is an emergency!

Don't you dare...! Hello? Look!

Boys! Where did you find them?
Oh, these aren't the children!

Debenham's had
an offer on duvets.

Does anyone realise what my
wife is going through at the moment?

Shouting and banging

don't you dare...! If
you...! Toilet flushes

Helen, out! I'm not a bad
mother! Into reception!

Stand there next to Carole! Over to
the chair, Horatio! Towels, I think, Linda!

Helen rather lost her temper. She's
under so much strain. All I said...

Yes, and it might be
wise not to say it again!

A little prayer...? Practicalities
first. Get her clothes off, Gavin.

She had no right to call me that!
What does she know about motherhood?

As if we don't know what's best!

Can I borrow this, Carole?
What now? She's lost an ear-ring.

It's obviously gone down the lavatory!
Perhaps if we all held hands for a moment...?

Some other time, bruv. Let's
get her upstairs and disinfected.

Or do you want to be sick again
first? Who's a bad mother now, eh?

Mr brittas! Mr brittas! Don't let
her get her legs round your neck!

It's the children! What? Mr and mrs
rostrup found them! My babies! Babies howl

apparently, they saw a card
in a newsagent's window.

Jazzy music

Quiet chatter

all's well that ends well, eh? It could've
been worse! Mr brittas got his christening.

How many did we do in the end? Five,
including the dummies. That was all my fault!

You did give mrs brittas a
shock. Pulling her baby's head off!

I blame that woman the reverend
brought. For being sick in the font?

We wouldn't have had to move. And christen
the babies in the downstairs lavatory.

It's all on video. Reckon I've got
an entire episode for Jeremy beadle!

I'll get another bottle. Me too.

Oh, is that the cake, Carole?
It looks rather good, doesn't it?

Do you think so? Think
you could pass it round?

Oh, yes... of course...

I wonder if I should explain things
to Philippa. I don't think so, Helen.

I don't want her to think I'm always like this. You
blame the new pills? I'm sure of it. Mind you...

Pills or no pills...

She had no right to say I was a
bad mother. In fact, I think I'll...

Excuse me... ah, mr brittas. Do
you know where my brother is?

Looking for your fiancee's ear-ring.
Right... he said he'd talk to me.

-Do you think I should join him?
-On your own?

-Yes.
-I don't think he'd mind that.

My word! Carole! What
did you put in this? What?

The cake! What about
it? It's got a real tang!

Try some! Oh,
no, I... thank you.

How's it going? Well,
it's not in the u-bend.

It must have flushed further down. I just wondered
if you'd had a chance to think about it. What?

Whether I should
marry Philippa. Oh, that.

You don't like her, do you? Well... People don't, in
general. That's why I was wondering about marriage.

I think most people would hesitate.
Nobody realises the whole story.

I know she rubs people the wrong
way, but it's what's inside that matters!

Is it? And inside, there's
a really caring person.

I know it doesn't always come
out, but she has standards, you see.

She believes things. She's
like you in that respect, Gordon.

That's what attracted me to
her. It's... it's why I love her.

Are you sure
about that? Oh, yes!

But should I marry her? That, as I once
heard a wise man say, is the question.

Julie... can I ask you
something, as a secretary?

Is... correcting fluid
dangerous? Correcting fluid?

Yes, if someone... Ate it. Ate it? I think
you'd better tell me what happened, Carole.

I'm going home. Not
staying for the karaoke? No...

I need an early night.
Will you tell Gordon? Sure.

See you tomorrow. Ok. Bye.

Helen...

Sorry, everyone.

Anyone who has had a slice of cake, could you
please come to this end of the hall? Thank you.

Knock knock. Come in, Laura. Helen asked
me to tell you she's gone home. Right.

And Carole says, did you have any cake? I
haven't eaten anything. Why? Oh, nothing.

Is everything all
right? All right?

I was looking forward to today - a celebration of
new life accepted into the world family of sport.

Yeah. And what do I end up with?

A service in the toilets, half drowned
out by the sound of the urinals,

a party with no guests and 3
hours up to my armpits in a soil-pipe.

And it's all her fault. I'm sure
Helen didn't mean to leave...

I'm not talking about Helen! Anyone could have done
that! I'm talking about that woman of my brother's!

You know, there are some people
in this world - mercifully, not many -

who can walk into a building full of
happy, contented people and create chaos.

They're probably trying to help, but the end
result... pchoo! Know what I mean? Yes, I think I do.

And that woman
is a typical example.

She's the social equivalent of an uncapped oil well
in a guillemot colony. And he wants to marry her!

Does he? He came to ask
what I thought. What did you say?

What could I say? He loves her. I
said I hoped they'd be very happy.

Isn't he worried about living with her? He thinks
she'll change, learn by her mistakes. I see.

Another occasion
to look forward to.

Come on, we'd better
get back to the party. Right.

You don't think... He
might be right? What?

That people like that can change.
You know, learn not to annoy everyone.

Frankly, no, Laura. People
like that don't change.

It's the way they're born. The rest
of us just have learn to live with them.

That's a shame. It's a
tragedy, Laura. Yes...

Yes, it is, rather!