The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 4, Episode 1 - Not a Good Day... - full transcript
Veteran running star Sebastian Coe, MP, is in the leisure center for a grand opening, but not only finds it's just a toilet they name after him, everybody keeps running off, chasing an 8-year old boy for not paying a 20 cent ticket; Coe even gets caught with his foot in a dead man's bicycle lock while he must urgently get to parliament. Meanwhile Carol's toddler son Ben has escaped by sawing his way out of the cupboard she keeps him in while trying desperately to apply Mr. Brittas' countless tariff rules, so she and Helen bait a trap cage for him. The arrested kid's father mobilizes his friends in an Ancient Warfare Society where he is centurion to literally lay siege on the center, and the police refuses to turn up again for at least a week. As Gordon refuses to surrender the boy, the Ancient troops take and damage the center by force.
For sport, getting fit or making
new friends, there's no better place
than your local leisure centre.
Here in whitbury new town,
they've started life cycle week,
a chance for everyone
to get on their bikes.
This is one of the activities
staged throughout the country
to give everyone a chance to
get fit, stay healthy, and live longer.
But don't just
take my word for it.
Go to your local
leisure centre...
Cut!
Is that me?
Anyone who completes one of our
two cycle routes during life cycle week
will be entitled to a "pedal
for a medal" achievement pack,
inside of which they will
find not only the medal itself,
but also a badge,
a signed certificate,
two coloured balloons,
and a free blood
sugar urine tester.
And the leisure centre logo.
What do you do with that?
It attaches to the rear wheel, where its cheery
colours will brighten the dullest of bikes.
And it's a useful
safety reflector.
Oh.
They did you with the badges.
Pardon? "I piddled for a medal."
It says "pedalled for a medal".
All disagree with him
yes it does, yes it does.
Let's not have a big
debate about it, please.
Life cycle week is not the only reason why
today is a very special day for our centre.
I didn't announce it, for security
reasons, but I can now inform you...
Sebastian coe's
here. Thank you, Julie.
Really?
"The honourable Sebastian
coe obe, mp", please, Gavin,
who's generously contributing to a film
encouraging people to use leisure centres.
Can we meet him? One
thing at a time, Linda.
Once he's finished filming, I shall invite
Sebastian to open a room in our new sports wing,
to which any member of staff
free of other duties shall be invited.
I'll present him with an attractive
engraved tankard and show him round.
Will he have time? Pardon? Can
he fit a tour into his tight schedule?
This is a sports centre! How
can seb coe not want to see it?
Thank goodness I've found
you! What is it, Colin? He's died!
Our cyclist! He's died!
I'm worried that we perhaps
made the course too severe.
What? 56 miles is a long way for a
man of his age - perhaps too long.
He didn't do 56 miles. He didn't
even make it out of the car park.
Laura, could you give
that to the widow, please?
She's not strictly
entitled to it,
as he didn't complete the 56 miles,
but I thought it was a nice gesture.
What's going on?
They're packing up.
They got everything they
wanted. They can't go yet! Oi! You!
I say! You're not
going yet? What?
You haven't done anything! Sorry...
I'm the manager, Gordon brittas. Ah.
We named a room after you.
What? We're expecting you to open it.
I'm sorry... we've been planning for
weeks. We had a tankard engraved.
But... I know you're a busy man,
but all you'll do
is cut a ribbon.
It won't take very
long. Two minutes.
-Three pounds?
-I'm afraid so.
I didn't realise it
was so expensive.
Gemma, let's go.
Scissors, please,
Carole. Of course.
And could you get mr holroyd's
widow to deal with his bicycle?
Untidiness gives the wrong impression. Do it
tactfully. He's only been dead 25 minutes. Yes.
Is there a problem?
No, it's all right.
She's a little disappointed
she can't have a swim.
They can't afford it. She's a
single parent. They have no money.
Have you told her
about the s.S.S.? The...?
Single swimmer special, Carole. It's
all down there. Right, where are we?
There we go. Special offer
number 847. Single swimmer special.
A single parent and child may use the facilities on
a weekday morning at one-third of the standard price.
Free, if they've moved into
the area in the last three months.
We only moved in last week! Have
you got a rent book to prove that?
I have, in fact.
Right.
Right. There we are,
then. Simple as abc.
Give her the tickets. I hope
your little boy enjoys his swim.
There we are. I should have known
about that one. There are so many!
Sorry I'm late. Oh, mrs brittas!
The twins were giving me hell.
What's happening in the playing fields?
The second punic
war, mrs brittas.
Ah.
The defeat of hasdrubal by the
romans? The classical war society!
Oh, the classical war society!
I thought they were just men who liked dressing
up and drinking Heineken! How wrong can one get?
Forced laugh
is Ben here? I'll just get him.
He's looking forward to
this. Ben! Guess who's here!
-You've told him where we're going?
-Of course! I'll get his carrier.
This is a dog's
travel box. I know.
He's not good in open
spaces. He needs to be...
-Reminded of living in a cupboard?
-Exactly.
Ben! Mrs brittas is
waiting... You mustn't!
Ben!
My staff will appreciate
this, Sebastian.
Surprisingly, some of them are old
enough to remember your triumphs.
Like the 800 metres gold medal,
Moscow Olympics. I didn't win that.
No, that was Steve ovett! Still,
you got your revenge in Los Angeles.
No, someone else
won that as well.
Perhaps we invited the wrong
person, eh, sebby? Only joking.
What I suggest we do is this.
I shall say a few words to break
the ice, then ask you to cut the ribbon.
It's a toilet. Pardon?
You named a toilet after
me. Is there a problem?
No problem. Right, so...
Say a few words, but not too many.
My staff have to get back to work.
Then I shall invite you to
go into the washroom... oi!
Where do you think you're going?
Oi! Come back!
Don't just stand
there. Lend a hand!
Well, he's obviously sawn
his way out of the back.
I knew that junior
carpentry set was a mistake!
I don't understand...
Oh, I see what he's done.
He's broken through the back
and into the ventilation system.
Mr brittas'll be furious!
He can't have got far.
You were in charge, Tim.
How could you let it happen?
He's very agile!
He's eight years old!
Was it too hard to look
after him till the police came?
I shut him in a room. We
can't chain him up, can we?
Can't we? He won't
get away again.
Colin! Mr brittas?
Take that bicycle lock.
In the weights room - a
lad in a blue tracksuit...
Take mrs holroyd
for counselling.
We're watching Sebastian coe opening a toilet... oh,
sorry. Of course. Tell Julie to give her a cup of tea.
Mrs holroyd's upstairs
when you're ready. What?
The woman whose
husband died on the cycle run.
I am rather busy,
Laura. Mr brittas,
you told her that if she needed
a trained bereavement specialist,
to come back and ask for you.
And she's come
back? Yes, I'm afraid so.
I'll deal with it. Tell
the honourable coe
I might be delayed. Ys-ms-bs!
You can? Yeah, listen.
Tinkling lullaby
it's his sleepy baby rabbit
chimes! Is everything all right?
Fine, thanks. You don't happen to have a plan
of the ventilation system? Not on me, no.
Be right with you, mrs holroyd. I'm going
to get a leaflet you might find useful.
Julie, those bereavement leaflets...
There's a centurion to see you.
What? A centurion. You know,
tenth legion, fourth
cohort, sixth maniple.
Don't make jokes. I'm
counselling a bereaved lady.
I'm not. He's from the classical
war society - them people in the park.
Tell him I'm busy. I want my
son back, and I want him now!
Please, come in (!)
Your son? My son.
Ahhh! You mean the lad in
the blue tracksuit, don't you?
That's not possible. I'm holding your son
under citizen's arrest until the police arrive.
You what?
For entering the swimming pool without
paying. You arrested him? How much is it?
Twenty pence. Twenty pence?!
The amount is not
important. Your son is guilty...
He is an eight-year-old
boy! You can't lock up...
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
I'm afraid I can!
Where, and I quote, an arrestable offence has been
committed, any person may arrest, without warrant,
anyone who is guilty of an offence
or anyone he suspects to be guilty.
Criminal enforcement act,
1984. It's for his own good.
Now, look!
Give me my son back, or
I'm going to come back...
I warn you...
I touch this button - three members
of staff, trained in martial arts,
will be here in seconds.
I will be back!
Bye!
I don't think that was wise. A
calculated risk. I knew he'd fall for it.
I meant keeping his son. Locking up
children arouses primitive emotions.
Julie, help me find the
bereavement leaflet.
"Losing a loved one - ten
ways to look on the bright side."
Mrs holroyd.
Sorry for the delay. The leaflet
got misfiled under "sewage".
If you'd like to read it from cover to
cover, then we'll sing the song on the back.
These miles of pipe!
He could be anywhere.
We can narrow it down. He can't
have gone up there - a 40-foot vertical.
Excuse me. How may I help you?
We thought we'd try
badminton. Of course.
There was a notice in the pool saying any child
who spoke to four children they'd never met before
could claim a
friendliness prize.
Yes.
My daughter Gemma did...
There's rather a
complicated form...
Just give her the
sunglasses. Yes.
Here you are, Gemma. Well done.
Oh, Gemma!
They're lovely!
Here are... goodness!
Look at this! What?
You're our 1000th customer! That entitles you to
a free meal in our canteen. Just show the tickets.
Oh, thank you!
Thank you very much!
Now, I think his
most likely route
would be up this
section, then along here.
That would take him
behind the squash courts.
He could be roaming
around for days!
We'll find a way
of luring him out.
Phone rings excuse me.
Gulps whitbury new town
leisure centre. Oh, mr brittas!
Code black. Yes, of
course. Right away.
Carole, I thought a code black
meant the outbreak of civil disturbance
with the leisure centre as rallying
point for those loyal to the crown.
Technically it
does, mrs brittas.
We use it when mr brittas has made
someone angry and we have to keep them out.
Loudspeaker: 'I must warn you
'that you are in contravention
'of local bylaw regulations.
'Under my powers as manager I
am ordering you to leave immediately.'
this is an illegal gathering
and must disperse immediately.
The police will be
here any minute.
They won't. What?
The police aren't coming.
What do you mean?
They've got to!
The desk sergeant said you
could take the boy to the station.
He's not coming out again this week. If I
take the boy through that lot he'll get hurt.
I told him. What did he say?
"There's the kettle. Time for tea"
I don't believe it.
That's the centurion.
Got your Spears?
Got your swords?
I think I can take
him out easily enough.
No-one's going to
"take out" anyone, Linda.
Wait till they calm down. Here's another
lorryload! He doesn't look old enough.
He must have had the child at four
years old. What are you on about?
He's not much older than the lad I locked up yet
you say he's his father. Something funny's going on.
Oh, god. You didn't!
Didn't what?
This 40-year-old you locked
up. What did he look like?
Sebastian coe,
Colin! Sebastian coe,
obe, mp! Yes, mr brittas.
You've chained him to a
staircase. You said blue suit.
Blue tracksuit. Inside the weights room. I
thought he'd escaped. You're dead, Colin.
Can we sort the
blame out afterwards?
Of course, Sebastian.
There's a vote later.
The vote of no confidence in the
government. You want to support it.
Colin, get the chain off. Yes.
May I take this opportunity
of saying on behalf of the staff
how sorry we are for
any inconvenience...
What is it, Colin? It's
a combination lock.
You turn it to the right number.
It's not my lock. Whose is it?
If it's off the bike in the
hall, it's mr holroyd's.
Then can we find him?
Bit of a problem there, sebby.
Mr holroyd died
earlier this morning.
I know someone else
who'll know. Excuse me.
Don't go away, seb!
All set? Yes.
We should wait outside
in case we distract him.
Right. Toy squeaks
Sorry about the delay. One
ortwo little things have croppedup.
We might have to postpone
our session a few moreminutes.
But I wonder if I could ask you if you happen to
remember the number of your husband's bicycle lock.
Is that a yes, or a maybe?
If I could ask you to have a
proper think. It is rather important.
Do you want the bad news or the catastrophe? Not
now! Leave mrs holroyd to me. You go out the back.
The back?
Where did they come from?
Two minutes!
They've got a
whole army out there!
Not just any army - the finest fighting
machine ever seen. There's thousands of 'em!
That centurion
had a lot of friends.
Watch out for the praetorian
guard. They've got an elephant!
Let's not panic.
Does anyone know
what they plan to do?
They put the men to the sword and
take the women and children into slavery.
If you've nothing
sensible to say...
We could give the boy back. No!
We're not giving in to blackmail.
Could we take a vote? If that boy
learns he can get away with it once,
he'll do it again
and again and again.
We must nip it in the bud. Doesn't
look like a bud, with that elephant.
They're trying to
scare us. It's working!
Get a grip on it, Timothy!
Keep an eye on things.
I'll phone the police.
What if they attack while you're gone?
They won't attack. They're just bluffing.
Shouts
follow me!
Glass shatters
we need some help!
They're attacking!
I keep telling you - I'm
being attacked by romans!
I don't know what
sort of romans!
The tenth legion and
some parthian mercenaries.
It's the tenth legion and
some parthian mercenaries.
Tim, what are you doing? They've
brought a battering ram. Ok, Gavin!
Look,
how long have you
been in the police?
Has anyone been there
more than three weeks?
Loud thump
what's that?
It's the carthaginians'
battering ram!
We can't stop them. They're
protected by a testudo!
Hello? Hello? If you don't get down here
pdq, someone's going to get seriously hurt!
There's a fire!
Look out, Linda! They've
got the scaling ladders!
We can't hold them
off much longer!
You think so, do you? It sounds
even more serious from where I am!
They've brought the
siege catapult round now!
What? The ballista!
They're bringing it round!
You heard that, did you?...I dunno, but I imagine
they're going to throw something heavy at us!
In this case, it appears to be the
engine block of a Morris Marina.
He sighs
why?
Why, Laura?
Well... why does it always
seem to end like this?
Well... you know, today was
going to be such a good day.
I woke up this morning and
my heart filled with thoughts
of what we could give to people
coming through the doors. And now...
Now we haven't got any doors.
I gather you gave them the boy in
the end. Yes. It seemed the only way.
You probably did the right thing.
The police haven't charged anyone!
Well... hundreds of pounds of
damage, breaking and entering,
abducting a child in custody...
No-one's been charged!
It was very difficult to tell who did the
damage. They were all wearing helmets.
We don't know which legion
the battering ram came from (!)
So the poor old taxpayer has to cough up yet
again. It's not right, Laura. It's just not right.
It makes you wonder
if it's worth carrying on.
I'll get a broom.
I've got it! What?
She remembered -
the great reform act
with a nought on the end. One thing
at a time. Who remembered what?
Mrs holroyd, the
bicycle combination lock.
It's 1832 with a nought... you'd
forgotten he was still down there!
Tim, Gavin, follow
me! I'll get a camera!
Mrs brittas, I don't know what
I would have done without you!
-That's all right. It worked well.
-It did rather!
I'll put him back.
If you would. Oh...
..Use these. He can give rather
a nasty little nip if he's unsettled.
Yes...
Baby cries if I put the
box against the cupboard
and lift the gate, he
can run in on his own.
There he goes. Oh,
good. Baby cries and bangs
it's all right! Mummy's here!
He'll be ok when
he's had a sleep.
Sebby! I'm sorry
it's taken so long!
We have actually
got the combination.
It's not easy to get a lady whose husband's just died
to remember a five-figure number, I can tell you!
Anyway...
It's the great reform act
with a nought on the end.
If you could just undo
the lock for me, please.
If you undid it now, I could
have my stair-rail back.
Or send it to me at
your own convenience.
It just remains for me to thank
you for your visit, and present you
with this tankard,
specially engraved...
..To Mark the occasion.
He sighs
knock on door come in.
Excuse me.
Yes? We're looking
for the manager.
I am rather busy. Please leave
any complaints with my secretary.
We didn't want to complain. No?
We just wanted to
say thank you. What?
For one of the nicest days
we've ever had. Really?
We've played games,
had lunch, had a sauna...
We've met new
people, haven't we? Yes.
I'm glad you've
enjoyed yourselves.
I'm a single mother, mr brittas.
We've just moved into this area.
We don't know anyone. We
certainly don't have a lot of money.
And to come here
and find that someone
has actually thought
about people like us,
worked out special offers so
that we can afford to come here,
give little prizes to children
to encourage them
to make friends...
It makes a lot of difference.
Doesn't it, Gemma?
Thank you!
It's only flowers. You probably
get things like this all the time.
No, not all the time.
Thank you both very much indeed.
Well, we mustn't keep you.
It said in your brochure
that this centre's main aim is to bring
people together. That must be very satisfying.
Yes. Yes, it is, rather.
new friends, there's no better place
than your local leisure centre.
Here in whitbury new town,
they've started life cycle week,
a chance for everyone
to get on their bikes.
This is one of the activities
staged throughout the country
to give everyone a chance to
get fit, stay healthy, and live longer.
But don't just
take my word for it.
Go to your local
leisure centre...
Cut!
Is that me?
Anyone who completes one of our
two cycle routes during life cycle week
will be entitled to a "pedal
for a medal" achievement pack,
inside of which they will
find not only the medal itself,
but also a badge,
a signed certificate,
two coloured balloons,
and a free blood
sugar urine tester.
And the leisure centre logo.
What do you do with that?
It attaches to the rear wheel, where its cheery
colours will brighten the dullest of bikes.
And it's a useful
safety reflector.
Oh.
They did you with the badges.
Pardon? "I piddled for a medal."
It says "pedalled for a medal".
All disagree with him
yes it does, yes it does.
Let's not have a big
debate about it, please.
Life cycle week is not the only reason why
today is a very special day for our centre.
I didn't announce it, for security
reasons, but I can now inform you...
Sebastian coe's
here. Thank you, Julie.
Really?
"The honourable Sebastian
coe obe, mp", please, Gavin,
who's generously contributing to a film
encouraging people to use leisure centres.
Can we meet him? One
thing at a time, Linda.
Once he's finished filming, I shall invite
Sebastian to open a room in our new sports wing,
to which any member of staff
free of other duties shall be invited.
I'll present him with an attractive
engraved tankard and show him round.
Will he have time? Pardon? Can
he fit a tour into his tight schedule?
This is a sports centre! How
can seb coe not want to see it?
Thank goodness I've found
you! What is it, Colin? He's died!
Our cyclist! He's died!
I'm worried that we perhaps
made the course too severe.
What? 56 miles is a long way for a
man of his age - perhaps too long.
He didn't do 56 miles. He didn't
even make it out of the car park.
Laura, could you give
that to the widow, please?
She's not strictly
entitled to it,
as he didn't complete the 56 miles,
but I thought it was a nice gesture.
What's going on?
They're packing up.
They got everything they
wanted. They can't go yet! Oi! You!
I say! You're not
going yet? What?
You haven't done anything! Sorry...
I'm the manager, Gordon brittas. Ah.
We named a room after you.
What? We're expecting you to open it.
I'm sorry... we've been planning for
weeks. We had a tankard engraved.
But... I know you're a busy man,
but all you'll do
is cut a ribbon.
It won't take very
long. Two minutes.
-Three pounds?
-I'm afraid so.
I didn't realise it
was so expensive.
Gemma, let's go.
Scissors, please,
Carole. Of course.
And could you get mr holroyd's
widow to deal with his bicycle?
Untidiness gives the wrong impression. Do it
tactfully. He's only been dead 25 minutes. Yes.
Is there a problem?
No, it's all right.
She's a little disappointed
she can't have a swim.
They can't afford it. She's a
single parent. They have no money.
Have you told her
about the s.S.S.? The...?
Single swimmer special, Carole. It's
all down there. Right, where are we?
There we go. Special offer
number 847. Single swimmer special.
A single parent and child may use the facilities on
a weekday morning at one-third of the standard price.
Free, if they've moved into
the area in the last three months.
We only moved in last week! Have
you got a rent book to prove that?
I have, in fact.
Right.
Right. There we are,
then. Simple as abc.
Give her the tickets. I hope
your little boy enjoys his swim.
There we are. I should have known
about that one. There are so many!
Sorry I'm late. Oh, mrs brittas!
The twins were giving me hell.
What's happening in the playing fields?
The second punic
war, mrs brittas.
Ah.
The defeat of hasdrubal by the
romans? The classical war society!
Oh, the classical war society!
I thought they were just men who liked dressing
up and drinking Heineken! How wrong can one get?
Forced laugh
is Ben here? I'll just get him.
He's looking forward to
this. Ben! Guess who's here!
-You've told him where we're going?
-Of course! I'll get his carrier.
This is a dog's
travel box. I know.
He's not good in open
spaces. He needs to be...
-Reminded of living in a cupboard?
-Exactly.
Ben! Mrs brittas is
waiting... You mustn't!
Ben!
My staff will appreciate
this, Sebastian.
Surprisingly, some of them are old
enough to remember your triumphs.
Like the 800 metres gold medal,
Moscow Olympics. I didn't win that.
No, that was Steve ovett! Still,
you got your revenge in Los Angeles.
No, someone else
won that as well.
Perhaps we invited the wrong
person, eh, sebby? Only joking.
What I suggest we do is this.
I shall say a few words to break
the ice, then ask you to cut the ribbon.
It's a toilet. Pardon?
You named a toilet after
me. Is there a problem?
No problem. Right, so...
Say a few words, but not too many.
My staff have to get back to work.
Then I shall invite you to
go into the washroom... oi!
Where do you think you're going?
Oi! Come back!
Don't just stand
there. Lend a hand!
Well, he's obviously sawn
his way out of the back.
I knew that junior
carpentry set was a mistake!
I don't understand...
Oh, I see what he's done.
He's broken through the back
and into the ventilation system.
Mr brittas'll be furious!
He can't have got far.
You were in charge, Tim.
How could you let it happen?
He's very agile!
He's eight years old!
Was it too hard to look
after him till the police came?
I shut him in a room. We
can't chain him up, can we?
Can't we? He won't
get away again.
Colin! Mr brittas?
Take that bicycle lock.
In the weights room - a
lad in a blue tracksuit...
Take mrs holroyd
for counselling.
We're watching Sebastian coe opening a toilet... oh,
sorry. Of course. Tell Julie to give her a cup of tea.
Mrs holroyd's upstairs
when you're ready. What?
The woman whose
husband died on the cycle run.
I am rather busy,
Laura. Mr brittas,
you told her that if she needed
a trained bereavement specialist,
to come back and ask for you.
And she's come
back? Yes, I'm afraid so.
I'll deal with it. Tell
the honourable coe
I might be delayed. Ys-ms-bs!
You can? Yeah, listen.
Tinkling lullaby
it's his sleepy baby rabbit
chimes! Is everything all right?
Fine, thanks. You don't happen to have a plan
of the ventilation system? Not on me, no.
Be right with you, mrs holroyd. I'm going
to get a leaflet you might find useful.
Julie, those bereavement leaflets...
There's a centurion to see you.
What? A centurion. You know,
tenth legion, fourth
cohort, sixth maniple.
Don't make jokes. I'm
counselling a bereaved lady.
I'm not. He's from the classical
war society - them people in the park.
Tell him I'm busy. I want my
son back, and I want him now!
Please, come in (!)
Your son? My son.
Ahhh! You mean the lad in
the blue tracksuit, don't you?
That's not possible. I'm holding your son
under citizen's arrest until the police arrive.
You what?
For entering the swimming pool without
paying. You arrested him? How much is it?
Twenty pence. Twenty pence?!
The amount is not
important. Your son is guilty...
He is an eight-year-old
boy! You can't lock up...
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
I'm afraid I can!
Where, and I quote, an arrestable offence has been
committed, any person may arrest, without warrant,
anyone who is guilty of an offence
or anyone he suspects to be guilty.
Criminal enforcement act,
1984. It's for his own good.
Now, look!
Give me my son back, or
I'm going to come back...
I warn you...
I touch this button - three members
of staff, trained in martial arts,
will be here in seconds.
I will be back!
Bye!
I don't think that was wise. A
calculated risk. I knew he'd fall for it.
I meant keeping his son. Locking up
children arouses primitive emotions.
Julie, help me find the
bereavement leaflet.
"Losing a loved one - ten
ways to look on the bright side."
Mrs holroyd.
Sorry for the delay. The leaflet
got misfiled under "sewage".
If you'd like to read it from cover to
cover, then we'll sing the song on the back.
These miles of pipe!
He could be anywhere.
We can narrow it down. He can't
have gone up there - a 40-foot vertical.
Excuse me. How may I help you?
We thought we'd try
badminton. Of course.
There was a notice in the pool saying any child
who spoke to four children they'd never met before
could claim a
friendliness prize.
Yes.
My daughter Gemma did...
There's rather a
complicated form...
Just give her the
sunglasses. Yes.
Here you are, Gemma. Well done.
Oh, Gemma!
They're lovely!
Here are... goodness!
Look at this! What?
You're our 1000th customer! That entitles you to
a free meal in our canteen. Just show the tickets.
Oh, thank you!
Thank you very much!
Now, I think his
most likely route
would be up this
section, then along here.
That would take him
behind the squash courts.
He could be roaming
around for days!
We'll find a way
of luring him out.
Phone rings excuse me.
Gulps whitbury new town
leisure centre. Oh, mr brittas!
Code black. Yes, of
course. Right away.
Carole, I thought a code black
meant the outbreak of civil disturbance
with the leisure centre as rallying
point for those loyal to the crown.
Technically it
does, mrs brittas.
We use it when mr brittas has made
someone angry and we have to keep them out.
Loudspeaker: 'I must warn you
'that you are in contravention
'of local bylaw regulations.
'Under my powers as manager I
am ordering you to leave immediately.'
this is an illegal gathering
and must disperse immediately.
The police will be
here any minute.
They won't. What?
The police aren't coming.
What do you mean?
They've got to!
The desk sergeant said you
could take the boy to the station.
He's not coming out again this week. If I
take the boy through that lot he'll get hurt.
I told him. What did he say?
"There's the kettle. Time for tea"
I don't believe it.
That's the centurion.
Got your Spears?
Got your swords?
I think I can take
him out easily enough.
No-one's going to
"take out" anyone, Linda.
Wait till they calm down. Here's another
lorryload! He doesn't look old enough.
He must have had the child at four
years old. What are you on about?
He's not much older than the lad I locked up yet
you say he's his father. Something funny's going on.
Oh, god. You didn't!
Didn't what?
This 40-year-old you locked
up. What did he look like?
Sebastian coe,
Colin! Sebastian coe,
obe, mp! Yes, mr brittas.
You've chained him to a
staircase. You said blue suit.
Blue tracksuit. Inside the weights room. I
thought he'd escaped. You're dead, Colin.
Can we sort the
blame out afterwards?
Of course, Sebastian.
There's a vote later.
The vote of no confidence in the
government. You want to support it.
Colin, get the chain off. Yes.
May I take this opportunity
of saying on behalf of the staff
how sorry we are for
any inconvenience...
What is it, Colin? It's
a combination lock.
You turn it to the right number.
It's not my lock. Whose is it?
If it's off the bike in the
hall, it's mr holroyd's.
Then can we find him?
Bit of a problem there, sebby.
Mr holroyd died
earlier this morning.
I know someone else
who'll know. Excuse me.
Don't go away, seb!
All set? Yes.
We should wait outside
in case we distract him.
Right. Toy squeaks
Sorry about the delay. One
ortwo little things have croppedup.
We might have to postpone
our session a few moreminutes.
But I wonder if I could ask you if you happen to
remember the number of your husband's bicycle lock.
Is that a yes, or a maybe?
If I could ask you to have a
proper think. It is rather important.
Do you want the bad news or the catastrophe? Not
now! Leave mrs holroyd to me. You go out the back.
The back?
Where did they come from?
Two minutes!
They've got a
whole army out there!
Not just any army - the finest fighting
machine ever seen. There's thousands of 'em!
That centurion
had a lot of friends.
Watch out for the praetorian
guard. They've got an elephant!
Let's not panic.
Does anyone know
what they plan to do?
They put the men to the sword and
take the women and children into slavery.
If you've nothing
sensible to say...
We could give the boy back. No!
We're not giving in to blackmail.
Could we take a vote? If that boy
learns he can get away with it once,
he'll do it again
and again and again.
We must nip it in the bud. Doesn't
look like a bud, with that elephant.
They're trying to
scare us. It's working!
Get a grip on it, Timothy!
Keep an eye on things.
I'll phone the police.
What if they attack while you're gone?
They won't attack. They're just bluffing.
Shouts
follow me!
Glass shatters
we need some help!
They're attacking!
I keep telling you - I'm
being attacked by romans!
I don't know what
sort of romans!
The tenth legion and
some parthian mercenaries.
It's the tenth legion and
some parthian mercenaries.
Tim, what are you doing? They've
brought a battering ram. Ok, Gavin!
Look,
how long have you
been in the police?
Has anyone been there
more than three weeks?
Loud thump
what's that?
It's the carthaginians'
battering ram!
We can't stop them. They're
protected by a testudo!
Hello? Hello? If you don't get down here
pdq, someone's going to get seriously hurt!
There's a fire!
Look out, Linda! They've
got the scaling ladders!
We can't hold them
off much longer!
You think so, do you? It sounds
even more serious from where I am!
They've brought the
siege catapult round now!
What? The ballista!
They're bringing it round!
You heard that, did you?...I dunno, but I imagine
they're going to throw something heavy at us!
In this case, it appears to be the
engine block of a Morris Marina.
He sighs
why?
Why, Laura?
Well... why does it always
seem to end like this?
Well... you know, today was
going to be such a good day.
I woke up this morning and
my heart filled with thoughts
of what we could give to people
coming through the doors. And now...
Now we haven't got any doors.
I gather you gave them the boy in
the end. Yes. It seemed the only way.
You probably did the right thing.
The police haven't charged anyone!
Well... hundreds of pounds of
damage, breaking and entering,
abducting a child in custody...
No-one's been charged!
It was very difficult to tell who did the
damage. They were all wearing helmets.
We don't know which legion
the battering ram came from (!)
So the poor old taxpayer has to cough up yet
again. It's not right, Laura. It's just not right.
It makes you wonder
if it's worth carrying on.
I'll get a broom.
I've got it! What?
She remembered -
the great reform act
with a nought on the end. One thing
at a time. Who remembered what?
Mrs holroyd, the
bicycle combination lock.
It's 1832 with a nought... you'd
forgotten he was still down there!
Tim, Gavin, follow
me! I'll get a camera!
Mrs brittas, I don't know what
I would have done without you!
-That's all right. It worked well.
-It did rather!
I'll put him back.
If you would. Oh...
..Use these. He can give rather
a nasty little nip if he's unsettled.
Yes...
Baby cries if I put the
box against the cupboard
and lift the gate, he
can run in on his own.
There he goes. Oh,
good. Baby cries and bangs
it's all right! Mummy's here!
He'll be ok when
he's had a sleep.
Sebby! I'm sorry
it's taken so long!
We have actually
got the combination.
It's not easy to get a lady whose husband's just died
to remember a five-figure number, I can tell you!
Anyway...
It's the great reform act
with a nought on the end.
If you could just undo
the lock for me, please.
If you undid it now, I could
have my stair-rail back.
Or send it to me at
your own convenience.
It just remains for me to thank
you for your visit, and present you
with this tankard,
specially engraved...
..To Mark the occasion.
He sighs
knock on door come in.
Excuse me.
Yes? We're looking
for the manager.
I am rather busy. Please leave
any complaints with my secretary.
We didn't want to complain. No?
We just wanted to
say thank you. What?
For one of the nicest days
we've ever had. Really?
We've played games,
had lunch, had a sauna...
We've met new
people, haven't we? Yes.
I'm glad you've
enjoyed yourselves.
I'm a single mother, mr brittas.
We've just moved into this area.
We don't know anyone. We
certainly don't have a lot of money.
And to come here
and find that someone
has actually thought
about people like us,
worked out special offers so
that we can afford to come here,
give little prizes to children
to encourage them
to make friends...
It makes a lot of difference.
Doesn't it, Gemma?
Thank you!
It's only flowers. You probably
get things like this all the time.
No, not all the time.
Thank you both very much indeed.
Well, we mustn't keep you.
It said in your brochure
that this centre's main aim is to bring
people together. That must be very satisfying.
Yes. Yes, it is, rather.