The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Stuff of Dreams - full transcript

Welcome to whitbury new
town leisure centre. Can I help?

My name is mr didcot
and I'm 72 years old.

I was wondering what a place like
this has to offer someone of my age.

Well...

What I require is some activity that will, at
the same time as give me valuable exercise,

bring me into contact with
others in the community,

and help me be more than just
an isolated social services statistic.

I'm not sure we can help.

Ooh, ooh, slimtrim.

That sounds interesting.

That's for younger
people really, housewives.



Do you mean, as I'm
elderly, I'm not welcome?

No, of course not.
I just thought... if...

Morning. Mr
johnston. Late today?

Traffic. One ticket
for bowls, please.

I think you'll find I
was first, young man.

Sorry. You don't mind if I
nip in? I'm meeting friends.

I'll be as fast as I can, but you
must understand that, being elderly,

I do appreciate Patience
and understanding.

Oh, right.

How much will a
session of slimtrim cost?

25 pence.

Oh, 25 pence.

That's five shillings, in't it?

I remember when...
Just pay her the money!



Ooh, ooh, I will take
a ticket, young lady,

although five shillings is a lot
to someone on a fixed pension.

Now where's me purse? Oh, god!

I'll be as fast as I can,

but remember an elderly person's fingers
aren't as nimble as they used to be.

Ooh, look what I've done
now! I don't believe it!

I'm 72 years old, you know.

How can I forget!
Can I have my ticket?

Well... She's dealing with me.

She can onlydo
oneoperationatatime.

You'llneedanoperation
soon! giveus a ticket.

She's can't! Don'tpushme!

Staff room!

You'redoingthisonpurpose.
Get off!

Please come to reception!

Get your hands off me!

You'll pay for that!
Will you make me?

I might!

Don't you shake me!
I'll shake what I like!

Please come!

That was my glasses!

You've trodden on 'em! Eurgh!

Tim, Gavin! Please
come to reception!

Cut it out! You can't act like that
in here! Off! He broke my glasses!

-It was an accident!
-He started it!

What is going on here? He
was trying to queue-jump.

Is it true? I was rushed. You're
lucky mr brittas isn't here! All...

All right. We'll sort this
out somewhere else.

Tim, Gavin, see
if mr johnston's ok.

Colin, the money on the floor.
Perhaps you can look at that.

Right, now, and you
are...? Mr Derek didcot.

Well, mr didcot. Shall we go
to mr brittas' office for a talk?

All right?

Will you tell me
what's going on?

I don't follow. I just
wondered, mr brittas,

why you have come in covered
in latex, calling yourself mr didcot.

How did you know it was me?

Some sixth sense!

What's all this about? I've been
exploring attitudes to the aged.

I wanted to know what it's like to
be old. It's worse than I thought.

I'm not surprised
if you pick fights.

Laura, help the elderly
week starts on Monday.

I've spent ages finding out the
needs of a neglected section of society.

I expected some
support. Ah! Mr didcot!

Guess what I've got for you!

But it's not working, is
it? Do you know why?

Somebody forgot to
put the batteries in!

Don't worry! I'll fix it and
bring it straight up. Ok?

I'll slip home early if
that's all right, Laura?

More trouble with
infection, Colin?

No, that's fine. But
don't tell mr brittas, eh?

I have to get a dream
interpreted. A dream? Last night.

I was this eagle. But, instead
of soaring aloft with the others,

I was stuck on the ground because of this mange
under my feathers. I want to find out what it means.

You should get it sorted. Right.

Ah! Catch you later, old timer!

You certainly will.

So, you're off to slimtrim,
are you, mr brittas?

Not much point, if everyone
knows who I am. Colin didn't realise.

No, but he's just dreamt
he's an eagle with mange!

Yes, well! Dreams! I don't know
how anyone believes that poppycock.

I've had the same one
seven nights in a row.

It means nothing.
It's just stress.

What was it? What?

The dream. I wondered
what it was. Nothing.

If you must know,
I was at a bus stop.

Yes?

In the clouds.

Very significant. A number
65 bus in the clouds. Huh!

What happened? I
can't really remember.

I'm carrying something. A knapsack.
There's something precious inside.

A ball. A ball of
light, if you please.

I've carried it for
ages, and I'm tired.

It seems like I've been walking forever, and
I've got to rest, but first I must pass it on.

I've got to give it to someone,
but there isn't anyone.

Should there be? Everyone watches
me and the ball's getting heavier,

but nobody will take the ball.

I see. I suppose you'll
say that means something.

I think it might. Symbols
and that sort of stuff?

All this thinking about age has
made you aware of your mortality.

Can we have that
in English, please.

You're worried about What'll
happen to the centre when you retire.

You get to 65 - the bus stop - and you want
your ideal - the ball of light - to continue.

You want someone to take over. But
there isn't anyone. No. No-one will do it.

Quite.

I could be wrong. But that's
what it seems to me... Possibly.

Morning, Carole.

Hello, mrs brittas!
Two weeks to go.

I'm definitely pregnant!
Still, it'll all be worth it!

I suppose so. How are
yours? Very well, thank you.

Ben's playing in the
equipment cupboard,

and little Tom is
asleep at the moment.

Emily... oh! Needs a nappy
change, if you'll excuse me.

Yes, of course. Hi, Helen.

Laura, I want you to
drive me to hospital. Now?

No! I've got my transcendental
meditation class now.

No. But when the balloon goes up, or
down, could you take me to hospital?

Not mr brittas?
I'd rather have you.

I don't want it to be like
when Carole had her twins.

That wasn't him. She still wound up
in a sauna being delivered by a vet.

If Gordon drives me I'll probably end
up giving birth outside marks & Spencers!

I'd be happy to. That's wonderful.
I'll tell him. Is he upstairs?

Yes. With a wig and
calling himself mr didcot.

You didn't know? No. I think
I'll do my meditation class first.

Why's he doing it? Old
people don't come here.

His chart shows that
30-year-olds are weight-lifting...

But no over-70s trampolining.
He wants to know why.

He's doing my slimtrim
class. Treat him like the rest.

Yeah! Put him in a pink leotard!

He's serious. He's using weights
to help him walk like an old man.

He'll have a heart attack.
Needn't worry. What?

He's given it up.
He's had a dream.

Not another one! No, a dream dream.
He has something precious to pass on.

Aren't Carole and
his wife enough?

He worries about What'll
happen when he retires.

Dancing in the streets?
Someone has to take over.

You should be getting
questionnaires very soon.

Oh, that's what they are! Sorry!

There's one for everyone
apart from you, Laura.

Oh? He said it wasn't worth it.

I'm not to tell you, but you're too
old and you've an attitude problem.

Right (!) So what am I missing?

"Would you like to be part of an ideal that
will promote world Harmony and peace?"

No.

"Will you give a full-time commitment to helping others
find their place in the community through sport?"

No. No.

"Would you like to discuss these
ideas informally over a cup of coffee?"

No.

He's not going to
find this one easy. No!

Oh, Gordon. There you are.

Gordon?

Sorry, my darling. Lost
in my own thoughts.

Anything wrong?

No, not wrong exactly.
Good - I want a word.

I've been thinking
about old age. Have you?

You know, 43 years is all a man gets
for his working life. I've had 13 already.

You needn't worry yet.
There's so much to do,

and we can't do
it in one lifetime.

I need someone to carry on. But
where will I find someone like me?

I don't think you will, Gordon.

I have to, don't I? Gordon, I want
Laura to drive me to the hospital.

What?! Not now -
when the babies come.

She lives just round the corner,
and you don't have to bother at all.

Why would it be a bother? It would.
You're busy with all sorts of things.

I still... I want
it to be Laura!

There's something worrying you.

I'll tell you what'sworryingme.

I want my childrendeliveredin ahospital bed. I
want doctors and nursesanda curtain round the bed.

Of course you do.

I don'twantmybabies
hauledoutbya vet!

All right, let lauratakeyou.

Really?

Of course, my darling. If it will
make you feel relaxed, that's fine.

Oh, that's wonderful,
Gordon. Thank you!

Oh...

That's better.

It's like a whole weight's
been lifted from me!

Aah! If only all problems could be
solved so easily. Others are knottier.

Like, who can I get to continue my mission? The
person I need must be young, keen and eager to learn.

Filled in your form, mr brittas.

Linda!

I have something
precious to pass to you.

I've done my best, but I
think you need a new pair.

Don't worry. I don't
have to drive far.

You're driving?! Just into town.

Here's theform, mrjohnston.
Thankyou. Ifeelterribleaboutall this.

I've never hit
anyone. Whydididoit?

It's not as difficult
asyouthink.

Ididn't realise what he wasdoing. It was so
thoughtful. Oh, yes. Mrbrittas is athoughtfulman.

It's taught me
something. Has it?

Next time I'm impatient with an
elderly person, I'll remember. Oh, good.

I'll remember that Patience, courtesy
and consideration really matter.

Thank you. Goodbye.
Have a nice day. Bye.

Ah, Laura! Mr b.

Could you have
a word with Linda?

Anything specific? I need to unlock
the stationery cupboard for my clothes.

Can't you ask her? I have, several
times, but she refuses to come out.

I've no idea why she's in there. I
was simply explaining the dream.

Hold him! I've got his hearing aid. I've got your
aid, mr didcot. You'll hear a lot better with this.

I've changed the batteries,
but when I tried this in my ear...

That's been in your ear?
Yes, but it kept on sliding out.

I don't know if it's a design fault,
or my own natural oils and juices.

But, er...

I added this to hold it on. Don't worry! Didn't cost
a penny. It's a bit of elastic out of me underpants.

You ready? Just get
it away please, Colin.

We're not going
to be difficult now?

Colin, I am not
mr didcot. It's me.

See! Look!

Mr brittas.

I'm sorry, mr brittas. Whenyousaid...
hewantedtotalk aboutthefuture.

Yes, I see that now.

He thinks youmaybedue
forpromotion. Really?

Sorry to interrupt...
Ratherbusy, I'm afraid.

I just... Inanimportantmeeting.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Promotion?

Yes, Linda. I read your form andrealisedthat
you may have the special qualitiesi'mlookingfor.

Mr brittashad a dream. Iknow.

A dream thattheworld...
Notthatone.

Ģ It was Laura I
wanted to talk to.

Me? If I could...
She'sbusytoo. Won't be long.

Yes... sorry.

Now, Linda. Do you have ambition, a
sense of purpose? Doyouwantto go places?

Oh, I do mr brittas. Excellent.

I want to go to Oregon.

Oregon?!

To set upagunshop. Agunshop?!

Laws are more relaxed there.
Youplan toleavethecentre? Oh, yes.

I wouldn't want to
stay my whole life.

There's a whole world outthere!

Mr brittas, I justwantedto
apologise for fainting. Ok, Colin.

The disguise was so
convincing! And that wig...

I thought you should know... I
want to know that you're going.

Right.

Colin! I know, mr brittas, but she's still
there. Who? Your wife. I think she's in labour.

Meeting postponed!!

Mobile...

Easy. Careful. Careful.
Right! Let's go, go, go!

Bye, mrs brittas! Bye! Bye!

Gordon! What are you doing?!

It's all right, my love.

Aargh! Take it easy, my darling.

Nearly there, my darling!

Why have we stopped?
Pedestriancrossing.

Smash!! I donotbelieveit!

Whatareyoudoing? Someone has driven intous,
my darling. Butyou're driving metohospital!

We've been involved in anaccident
on the queen's highway, my sweet.

The law requires that we exchange names and
insurance companies. Shan't be a minute. Oh, god!

Sorry!

It's these glasses,
you see. Mr brittas?

I might have known.
It's you, isn't it?

I'm so glad to be able
to apologise. What?

I was told why
you were disguised.

You were trying
to help old people.

Mr johnston! It was a
wonderful thing to do,

and all I did was shout at you.

I'm on my way to hospital. Can I
see your insurance details? Yes.

Horns blare

all right. I'm going
as fast as I can.

Got a problem? I
think it's at home.

Shall I give you
my phone number?

I'll pull in up there. I want you to
follow me. Understand? Yes. Ok.

Shouldn't let
people his age drive.

Sorry, my love. Aaargh!

Belt up!

Oh, Gordon!

Gordon!

You've stopped again! Two minutes. Slightly
more complicated than I thought. But you... I...

What are you doing? What?

You can't leave it there. I left a space for you. I
know, but I find reversing difficult. Can you do it?

You what?

I had a bad experience with a pram
recently... All right, give me the keys.

What are you doing?
You can't park there.

Oi! I'm talking to
you. Car alarm bleeps

don't walk off when
I'm talking. Come back!

What a Charlie!

Coming, my love! I want your
name, address and licence number.

There's paper and pen. There's your right
hand. Now start writing. Yes. I'm sorry...

Just write. Yes. Right.

He's filling in the details now,
my darling. How are you? Aaargh!

You still think
it's the real thing?

Don't forget about
your breathing.

Gordon, I've got to get to hospital.
Yes, as soon... now, Gordon!

I have to get there
now. As soon...

Gordon!

Just move the car,
please. I thought you...

Just move the car. Would
you like what I've done so far?

Tear it up. No, don't.
Just move the car.

Right.

What is it now? Your pen.

Just please, please,
please move the car. Right.

Sorry to have kept
you, mrs brittas.

Ahh!

Where's he gone now?

Gordon!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, I dropped
the keys. You what?!

They slipped out of my fingers. Forget the
keys. What? Just get in the car. I can't.

I can't go forwards, I can't go back.
Just let the brake off and I'll push you.

I can't. Just do
it. Don't argue.

Can't what? Can't get
in the car. It's locked.

The keys are in
there. You locked it?

It's a habit. For security. You
read terrible things in the papers.

I've a spare set at
home. Where's home?

Plymouth.

Right.

My love, we're going to take a taxi.
If you'd just step this way. Laura?

Laura, come quickly. It's just like I said. He's
got us stuck in the high street and I... aaargh!

Hello, Laura? It's
me... Yes, she is a bit.

In the high street. Yes.
..Would you? Excellent.

Bye. She's stuck, isn't she?

What? Your wife. Lucky
you've got a sunroof.

The roof! Of course. The roof!

My darling, would you
mind turning that handle?

Well, don't just stand
there! This is an emergency.

We'll soon have
you out of there.

We each grab an
armpit anddragherout.

Buti'vejusthad
abypassoperation...

Just listenanddoasyou'retold.

Right, darling.
Hold up your arms.

Gordon, I won't fit. Of
course you will, my love.

Try holding your breath. I
knew this would happen.

It's going to be all right.

I just wanted a hospital bed.

With doctors and nurses.

And you will get them,
my darling, I promise.

Want to help st
bardolph's? What?

Want to donate?
Do I look as if I do?

Help the hospital!
Help st bardolph's.

Where? The
hospital. It's rag week.

Come back! You're nurses?

Medical students.
Doctors! Even better.

We're not qualified.

My wife is having
twins in my car.

Twins?! Phil! Over here!

Look who's come
to help, my darling.

Oh, god!

They're doctors.
Wasn't that lucky?

Be careful with my
little lady, please.

Easy does it. Easy, my darling.
Everything will be all right.

Mind the dress! It's
going to be all right.

In many ways, Laura, it's
an ideal place. I'm sorry?

To have a baby.
Everything's at hand.

I'm not quite with you. Well, towels and sheets
from marks and Spencer, drugs from boots. Yes.

The weather helps of
course. Do you know,

the manager of smiths came out
with a book of family medicine? Yes!

They took it too,
didn't they (?)

Everyone's been so supportive.
I rang the hospital again. Right.

An emergency
ambulance is coming.

And look at all these presents!

So many visitors! I hope
she's up to it. Two boys!

Mother and children doing fine.

That's it, Laura!

Congratulations!

Children! Children,
Laura! That's it!

Echoes: Children... Children.

It's all right. I've
found someone!