The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 3, Episode 5 - Sex, Lies & Red Tape - full transcript

Buy a sponge, sir?

American accent: Pardon me?
To throw. He doesn't want to!

We're collecting for a trampoline.
For synchronised trampolining!

You want money? If you
don't mind... oh, thanks!

So how many sponges do I get?

For one pound?

You get 100 for one
pound! Hey, great!

Perhaps you could help
me out with somethin'. Sure.

Morning, Carole! Morning,
Laura. ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

Thanks!

What's this? It's nothing,
it's just... My book.



Really? Yes, I'm rather
pleased. It's finished!

You've written all this? Yes, I had
an idea one day and it seemed to flow.

"Mistress of kinvara". I thought
I'd ask mr brittas for his opinion.

You won't get much out of him. No? He's
on a sponsored silence for the fundraising.

He has such clever ideas!

It was Julie's idea. He's promised
not to speak for eight hours.

How on earth will he
do all his managing?

It hasn't made much difference.

Morning, mr b!

Good morning, how can
I...? Oh! Good morning!

Mr brittas, I've just finished
writing a book - will you read it?

I didn't mean now, but
I'd value your opinion!

Oh, thank you, you're
so kind! Don't lose it!

It's my only copy... Thank you!



Is Laura seeing
anyone these days?

No!

And she's in there now? On pool duty, I
think. Come to wish her happy birthday?

It's her birthday? Yes!

I had no idea!

If it's ok with you, I'll
pass on the other 64.

Excuse me.

What a nice guy!
What was that for?

Thank heavens!
Gordon, we've got to talk!

Put those away, this is serious.

If anyone asks, will you say
I've been here all morning?

Say I've been here since 9 o'clock,
I've never been out of your sight - ok?

Just if anyone happens to ask.

Well... like anybody.

People... the police...

Just if they happen to ask.

Nothing's happened!
I just want your help!

You said you'd do anything for
me, but all you do is ask questions

and make all this
fuss! Phone rings

Hello... you want to
speak to mrs brittas?

Well, I'm afraid she's not here.

I mean, she is here but she's
not in the office at the moment.

She's been in the building since
9am as her husband will tell you.

Sorry, he's on a sponsored
silence. Sorry, bye-bye.

Mr brittas, you've got to help!

My balls are on fire!

It's my fault! I was throwing
them higher than I intended...

..For the sponsored juggle,

and now one is stuck on a cable and
I'm afraid it'll short-circuit the lights!

Oh, well said, sir!
Gordon, don't forget!

It's not just failing
to break the record,

it's causing
inconvenience to you.

They're made of
metallic paper strips.

The idea was to catch the light.
Sorry, mr brittas, you were saying?

That is the obvious next
course of action. But how?

I thought of that,
but the trouble is,

it could be very,
very dangerous.

Right, mr brittas.

I've heard it's lethal to touch overhead
cables, but you know best, mr brittas!

Right, mr brittas!

What are you reading? It was
on brittas' desk. I think it's a novel.

What's it called? I don't know,

but it's about this receptionist
who's trying to work her way up.

Quite clever, isn't it? We
should read it properly.

No, I've got to get back.

Where d'you say it started?

There you are, Ben!

Carole!

Yes, mrs brittas,
how may I help you?

I have to look different. Sorry?

I want to be different! I'm wearing blue and green
and I want to wear red or yellow! Red would be good!

I don't think I've
got anything...

Or a hat? A hat would do.
Or dark glasses? Try the hair.

Who are you?

Sorry I startled you.
I'm Michael t Farrell III.

If you want to look
different, the hair's the thing!

What do you mean? If you untied that
bow and let your hair come forward...

There! It's quite
a difference! Is it?

Yes, and it's very attractive.

Thank you!

-There may be a red dress in the staff room, mrs brittas.
-What?

You did want red? Oh, yes!

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

She is pregnant, you see.

Welcome to the leisure
centre, how may I help you?

-One swimming pool ticket, please.
-I'm afraid the pool's in use for a sponsored swim.

-So how do I get sponsored?
-You're too late.

-Can I get anywhere near the pool?
-You could watch from the gallery

on a spectator's ticket,
and wander around.

Wander around? Sounds perfect!

Thanks.

Hi! I'm looking for a friend -
Laura, the deputy manager.

Do you have a speech problem?

For the trampoline?
You're the manager?

Look, I just want
to talk to Laura.

I've travelled 3,000 miles!

"If you don't leave... I shall
have to call the police"?

Ok. You call the
police and I'll wait here.

Oh, harsh words indeed! Yeah! Well,
here's something you can do, buddy!

How dare you use language
like that in my centre?

You didn't want to say that, did
you? Right! Get out of my centre!

Now you lose your sponsorship
money! Will you leave or must I use force?

I'm going... But maybe we
could help each other. What?

I'm the only one that's heard you
speak. If I don't tell, who'll know?

So why not let me see Laura?

Are you suggesting I should lie?
It's the only way to get your money!

What sort of moral code do
you think we have over here?

Look, I was just...

Get out now! Come on! Hop it! Move it,
buddy! Away you go! Shoo, shoo, shoo!

She whispers

this man is leaving. If he comes
back, call the police. Yes, sir.

Mr brittas! You spoke! I
am aware of that, Carole.

Gordon! Who are you?
It's me, Helen. Helen!

Gordon, they saw me!
They know my name!

What are you talking about? They
must have traced me through the car!

Calm down! Come
up to the office.

Carole!

Mr Farrell, I'm afraid... Could you help
me? I want to give mr brittas some money.

Money? For the trampoline.
How much will it cost?

Well, our target is
£2,500, and we're sort of...

..There.

Right. So you need, what?
£2,495 to make it up, yeah?

I think I can do that.

Of course, some of it
may have to be in dollars.

Guess what's happened to me!

I can't. I'm fine,
I'm very fine. Good.

You remember I've been a bit
bunged up lately? Well, not any more!

That's nice. Rather an aggressive
therapy, but very effective.

Something to do with
contracting the intestinal muscles -

but it certainly sorted me out!
Maybe I should do it regularly.

Oh no! Is something the matter?
Have you got to the bit about the mother?

What's that? A
story. Julie found it.

It's brilliant! I've never
read anything like it! Really?

Ooh!

My word! I say! It's a bit...!

Is that the bit where they make love
on the bus? Yes! So many of them!

Shop-lifting?! That's
what they think.

They accused
you of shop-lifting?

How dare they? What are you
doing? Demanding an apology.

No-one gets away with that! What do
they think you took? A wedding dress.

That's ridiculous! Why would
you need a wedding dress?

A pair of gloves, a handbag,

a purse, some shoes...

How could you?
Where would you put it?

I'm sorry, Gordon. Oh, my god!

This is a size eight! Yes. How
did you think it would fit you?

You've got to help me!
I don't know what to do!

What'll happen to the children? What?
You mustn't let them send me to prison!

It's all right, no-one's going to
send you to prison! Yes, they are!

Even if you did shop-lift, no-one
ever goes to prison for a first offence.

Oh, Gordon!

You mean you've
done this before? Oohh!

I've done it more than once before.
What? How many times, for god's sake?

It was before I met
you. How many times?

I'm not sure how many
actual convictions there were.

Well, make a guess! It
was something like seven.

Seven?! Or nine.

When I'm pregnant, I just... Look, if
you want new shoes, why not tell me?

I can get them cheap. Oh, Gordon,
help me! Hang on, I'm thinking what to do!

Just say that I was here! We'll have to
take it all back to the store. You can't!

These things don't belong to us!

But they'll know it was
me! We have to face that.

I'll explain that you've been under
stress. I'm sure they'll understand.

Why can't you swear I was here?

You mean tell a lie?
Yes. We can't do that.

I'm going to prison, I know
it! You're not going to prison!

You're going to calm down
and let me sort things out.

Let's pack this stuff away.
Right, wedding dress, shoes...

Couldn't we just keep the handbag?
No! Have you got anything else up there?

Good god, a barbecue set!

Inaudible

he cackles

and what exactly
is going on here?

Have you heard the news? Shouldn't
you be having sponges thrown at you?

There's no need! You
may not think so, Gavin,

but we think synchronised
trampolining is essential.

That's not quite what I meant. We
don't need more money! We've got it!

What? We've got all of it! Quite
a bit more! £2,495, mr brittas!

Where did this come from?
From Michael. Who? Michael.

You nearly threw him
out! Lucky we didn't!

The American is responsible?!

He gave me every
last penny he had!

Wasn't it kind of
him? Oh yes, very!

You don't look very happy.
Why would I be happy?

You've got your trampoline!
Fund-raising isn't just about money!

Isn't it? No it isn't, Gavin!

We were going to work for
that trampoline, penny by penny!

In the process we were going to draw
closer together and work as a team!

Then when we got the trampoline, every
time we saw someone bouncing up and down

we'd say, "we got it!
That's our trampoline!"

And now we can't, because some
rich yank came and bought it for us.

He's spoilt it.

That's unfair! He
was trying to help!

I know what he was
trying to do! Where is he?

Mr Farrell? Hi. This room is for staff
only. There's a notice on the door.

Sorry - they asked
me in for coffee.

The use of this room by the
public is against county regs,

and as such you are
at present uninsured.

I guess I'd better
leave. Indeed!

Did you know I made a
small contribution to your fund?

Yes. We're very grateful (!)

And I wondered if, in the circumstances...
you might speak to my deputy manager? Yes. No.

But she is free? The sponsored
swimming is over now?

Indeed, mr Farrell, but safety
continues to be our main priority,

so Laura will remain in the pool
in case anyone wants a swim.

I'll do that, then. What? Have a
swim. May I have a ticket, please?

Not against county regs, is it?

Fine. I'll have er...

Do you take credit cards?

I'm afraid not, mr Farrell.

Couldn't we give him
a free ticket? Free?

He has just given us £2,495!

I'm sure lots of people would like
to have a spare £2,495 to dish out,

but we can't make the
rules up as we go along.

They mutter indignantly
don't we have any work to do?

Carole, I'm going to town
on a personal matter. Yes, sir.

Goodbye, mr Farrell. And I think
the phrase is, "have a nice day."

Will you tell Laura that I'll
wait in the car? Yes... Michael?

You're taking my
book. You wrote this?

I'm sure it's rubbish, but it's my only
copy. May I show it to my brother?

Your brother? Yeah, he's a
publisher. This is his kind of thing.

A publisher! Oh, mr brittas! Michael thinks my book is
the kind of thing his brother might like to publish!

Could I have a word with you?

How dare you? I'm sorry?

How dare you do that? I was just
trying... You were buttering her up

so you could get to see my deputy.
No, I'm going to wait in the car.

You can't treat my staff like that. That
poor girl has quite enough problems already,

don't you, Carole? I suppose so.

She's had her hopes dashed too
many times, haven't you, Carole? Yes.

I'm not letting it happen again. Colin!
Yes, sir? This man refuses to leave.

Take him to the table-tennis
room. Hey, no rough stuff!

We don't indulge in rough
stuff, mr Farrell. We're British.

And as you obviously won't
leave without seeing Laura,

-I'll ask her - ask, mind!
-To join you in the table-tennis room.

Great! At last! This way, Mikey!

So you don't think I
should bother? What?

Should I show Michael my book?

It's up to you,
Carole. Then I will!

I think we'd be a lot happier
if we got on with our own jobs.

Leave novels to the novellers, and concentrate
on keeping a nice, tidy reception area.

Well, I suppose it's
drawing paper for you, Ben.

I'll just get you some colours.

Yes, of course you can crumple
it up! Mummy doesn't mind!

Mummy doesn't mind at all.

Mr brittas! I hear we've
reached our target! Yes.

And you can speak again!
You must be pleased!

A man outside has been pestering
to see you most of the morning.

Oh? Who?

All I know is that he lies, cheats and
thinks money can buy whatever he wants.

Could be any one of my friends.

He's called Michael. Michael t
Farrell III (!) He's very good-looking.

Yes, isn't he? You
know him, then?

He's my husband.

You're looking good.

What do you want, Michael?
So - this is where you work, huh?

I met your boss this
morning. Quite a guy!

He says you're a liar, a cheat and
someone who thinks money can buy anything.

That's pretty good
after two hours.

Laura, why must it always be like
this? I don't know, but it always is.

Happy birthday anyway.

For me? Yeah. You
remembered my birthday?

There are a lot of
things I remember, Laura:

Cruising on the Norwegian
fjords, skiing in Aspen,

doing it in the back row of
the opera house in Sydney.

Do you remember the good times?

Yes, and then you started
having them with someone else.

That didn't mean
anything, Laura.

You knew what I was like before we
got married. I thought you'd change.

You promised in front of 2,000
people! So? I'm only human!

Michael, what do you want? I
want us to get back together again.

Cards on the table. There's been
talk at home about Michael t Farrell iv.

What about him? You haven't produced
him yet. Dad keeps asking questions like,

"are there any problems?"

Problems?! We've been
separated for two and a half years!

He doesn't know that.
How can he not know?

You haven't told him?! I didn't want to
upset him! He likes getting the cards.

What cards? The ones I send
for you from wherever we've been.

You know what he's like - Chicago Irish catholic.
He'd go through the roof. You haven't told him!

Laura, I'm between a
rock and a hard place here.

If I get a divorce, or if we don't
have a child, I get wiped out of the will.

You see what I'm saying?

I think so. You want
me to have your child.

It's what you always
said you wanted.

Yes, I suppose it was.

You don't have to live with me. You can
have your own place, everything you need,

and you get to have a baby!

All my dreams come true, eh?

We're talking big money here.

The Farrell corporation - the
largest shoe retail chain in the us,

a square half-mile of east
Chicago, an aviation industry!

Come on! Whaddya say?

I love the flowers.

Thank you.

Ah, Laura. Mr brittas?

I was hoping to catch you.

If you had a moment,
I'd like to apologise.

Some other time? I didn't
know he was your husband. No.

I thought he was some
rich lout. It doesn't matter.

The last thing I'd ever want to
do is upset a member of my staff,

particularly one I'd always
hoped I could call a friend.

D'you know what annoys
me about you? What?

It drives me up the wall!
Laura, I said I'm sorry!

It's the waste! Hm? I
mean, here you are,

you have a vision of how
things should be, you care!

You get all the
difficult things right!

But when it comes to the simple
bits, you blow it! Every time!

If people out there
had half your decency

or your desire to do the right
thing... It makes me so angry!

Gordon! How did it go?

What?

The shop! Are they going
to prosecute? Oh, that.

You did talk to them? Yes,
it's all under control, my darling.

Oh, Gordon!

Thank you!

Thank you, darling, thank you.

Helen, have you ever...
Have you ever thought

that Laura might
be in love with me?

Laura?!

It wouldn't be the first time. An
older man, a young assistant...

No, Gordon.

Sure?

Gordon, I promise you, Laura's not in love with you.
In fact she often tells me how annoying she finds you.

Right. Gordon, could
we go home now, please?

Of course, my darling. And we'll
stop off in the shop on the way.

I thought you'd sorted that out.
I have. I said you were my wife.

Why do we have to go? To apologise! They said it
wasn't necessary, but I thought it would be nice.

I can't! Yes you can! It's only
the manager and about 15 staff.

Come on, my
darling! You can do it!