The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 3, Episode 4 - Two Little Boys - full transcript

Finally, each visitor to our centre
today will receive one of these...

Horn blows

..paper hat, a sparkler,
a balloon, balloon pops!

And an anniversary
badge with a spike. Sorry.

Now, these items will be presented in a
special whitbury "fun bag", which will serve

as a souvenir of
a memorable day.

Are you sure about the
badge, mr brittas? Pardon?

Is it a good idea? I mean,
in view of the misprint.

Misprint? Mine says: "I've been to whitbury
leisure centre and swum in the poo."

Ģ so does mine! It's
on Linda's as well.

It says pool. It's on all of them.
No, the l got pushed round the back.



It says "poo" on mine.

The meaning's clear, Julie.

Yes, but it's
embarrassing to wear.

We've had 5,000
printed. So we wear them!

Now, visitors get presented with
this fun bag on reaching reception.

The important thing,
Carole, is...? Sorry?

What's the most important thing
our visitors get on arrival? A smile.

How about a little
example, Carole?

I'm sorry, but the twins
never seem to stop feeding.

All right... and I've got these two cracked nipples
and can't do a thing with them. Just do your best, ok?

Today we have a busy schedule - kids' party,
pig roast, fireworks, swimming gala...

Do you plan to
use the pool, then?

Difficult without it (!)

Well, what about
the heating? Why?



There isn't any.
We're out of oil.

But we had a delivery on Thursday!
It's a mystery. Why didn't anyone tell me?

Ok, to your places, everyone. I'll
handle it. And let's look cheerful!

That's better!

No, tomorrow is not good enough.

Nor is this afternoon. I need 350
gallons of domestic heating fuel,

and I need it now, within
the hour. Thank you.

I heard that!

Oh, these gentlemen were
interested in the privilege club.

Were they, indeed? Splendid!

You'll find it has several
benefits, including bar and toilet.

Forms, please! Yes, but...

Maybe Carole explained but, due to tighter
security, we need two bits of identification.

We've got these. And
passport photos. Forms, Carole.

Both of you? 36, actually.
36? Yes, we brought a party.

For the day. D'you all
want to join? If possible.

It certainly is. In fact, I can help you
out. Anything over 35 is a coach party.

So just one form - a q17, Carole - to be filled in by
the group leader. It covers membership for all of you.

Ģ I just realised, we're
only going to be 34.

Are we? Ian and Christine
weren't well. They're on the coach.

Oh, yes, yes! We'll have to fill
in the individual forms after all.

I don't want to... We do
understand. Rules are rules.

Sss... sss... Mr brittas,
we haven't got 34 forms.

Ben had a little accident with his
ribena and it sort of seeped through.

Get Julie to run
off more, please.

Have you seen the programme?
Thank god you're here!

I know what's
happening to the oil.

What? Gordon...
hold on, darling. What?

A hole in the tank. Linda's
plugging it, but it's leaking.

Horatio's here. He just wants to
say goodbye. He said goodbye earlier.

He wants to do it again. I'm so
busy. How long's it been leaking?

Linda reckons it's about one
pint in five minutes... I'll take a look.

What about Horatio?
Two minutes, dear.

Hello, Helen. Time for a coffee?

With his two minutes,
there'll be time for several.

I'm on to a thumb now,
but it's still getting through.

It's new. How can it have a
hole? It's rust, from the pub.

The where? The pub. This is a short cut from the
wheatsheaf to the town centre. Now, what are you on about?

It's causing the rust. After a few pints, they come
here, where it's private. Must be a great relief.

Oh! Linda, the oil's
leaking. I won't touch it

if people have been... But What'll
happen if it damages the local ecology?

Children poisoned by drinking the
water while swimming in the canal?

Wasting costly, dwindling resources.
Linda, stick your thumb on it!

Yes, mr brittas.

Colin, get a bucket
to collect the oil,

I'll ring someone to do a repair, and when it's
done, pour the oil back in the top. Right? Right.

Don't be long, will you, Colin?

They're very alike, aren't they?
Who? Mr brittas and his brother.

They may not look like twins, but
they have a very similar outlook.

Yes. Rev brittas
has a dream, too.

Another? No, the same one, it seems. He told me
yesterday, after he'd blessed the new vaulting-horse.

They planned it
when they were kids.

I could have coped
normally, Laura.

Even with two, I
could have coped.

It's just that I'm under a lot of strain
just now, managing without the pills.

The doctor said to cut
down while pregnant.

God knows why. A good bit of valium in the
bloodstream is what a baby of ours needs.

Still, Horatio is going this
afternoon. 4.30pm - Heathrow.

I booked a taxi two
hours early, just in case.

What's he planning to do
there? Where? The Lebanon.

I'm not really sure. Just sort
things out, I think... Politically.

Gordon says it's an exciting challenge, because
somebody must go there and bang heads together.

Is it a good idea?
I'll go mad, otherwise.

He could go today. I meant, going to the Lebanon. I
think so. It's a promotion. He'll be Dean of Beirut.

I look forward to
reading about it.

Excuse me.

Oh, Horatio, seen
Gordon, have you?

No, he hasn't come back yet.

I'll take you to his office. Mustn't
be late! Good luck, mr brittas.

Sorry?

I wanted to wish you good luck,
in the Lebanon. Oh, that... Yes.

Thanks.

Yellow pages, please. Perhaps you could sort this out.
I'm busy now. We've got problems with the lunches.

What? Three of us are
vegetarians. And two vegans.

Give the kitchen the details before
11 o'clock, in writing. In writing!

Couldn't I ring?

Best to fill in a form.
Saves confusion (!)

It's just that Emily's had a runny
tummy and the forms are a little...

Here we are. Whitbury welders.
I'll ring down and see if Judy's...

Could you find time
to talk to us? Sorry?

As a group. If you were free.

Talk to you? What
about? Anything.

Ģ health, safety...

Management? Your
dreams? If you have any.

Just one moment, please.

I might organise something, but
now I'm dealing with an emergency.

An emergency? You
mean, like a crisis?

Just something to be handled now
before it grows into something big.

Ģ you carry on with your emergency,
it's more important. Indeed. Hello!

Whitbury welders? Excellent!

My oil tank needs
repairing, please.

Can I help you at all?

That'll see you
through the weekend.

What? 350 gallons.

There's a special delivery surcharge.
You put 350 gallons of oil in there?

Here's the receipt. We don't want it. That
ain't what your boss said. He insisted.

Do you need more buckets,
Colin? Quite a few (!)

Sorry, Horatio, it's
just one of those days.

Judy gave you a
coffee? She was too busy.

Right. So, you wanted to talk.

Yes.

Helen said there was something
you wanted to ask me. Yes. Well?

I've been thinking. Good, good!

Gordon...

Yes?

..Have you ever wondered if what
you believe in, the dreams you've had,

the ideas you've based your
life on, were... Well... Wrong?

No.

You've never
thought that, possibly,

despite wanting to improve things,
you actually made things worse,

quite often a lot worse?

No.

I shouldn't have bothered you on
your special day. Hang on a minute.

Do I sense a certain
undercurrent here?

It's not important.

You're trying to
tell me something.

Doesn't matter.

If something's bothering my brother, I
want to be the first to know. Come on!

You know these lost property forms brittas always wants
us to use? Well, somebody's actually filled one in...

..For a 2p coin!

You'd better put it with
the rest. What's this?

33 lost property
forms! I don't believe it!

"One piece of string -

"possibly from a child's
swimming-trunks?"

"One open fruit, green. Suggest do
not return even if owner requests it,

"due to possible health
hazard of location."

What's up? It's the coach
party. They like filling in forms.

I've spent hours
running off spares.

You know the notice in reception saying, "terms of
liability available on request," they all requested them.

One complained he didn't
have the earthquake page.

Do you think they're
out for trouble?

Sorry to disturb you.
We're looking for mr brittas.

He's busy. Can we help?

We saw somebody trying a door-handle
of a car. I wondered if the police...

Police?

It looked rather suspicious.

It's ok. I'll check
myself. Thanks!

Trouble-makers! No,
it's a competition. What?

They're from another leisure centre.
It's their staff outing. Why here?

God knows how -
they've all got this!

The one with most
points gets a prize.

Do they get points for
form-filling? 15 each.

They get 50 points if they
can get him to call in the police.

Here's a page on "gestures". You get five points
for "one of these" and ten points if he does this.

You get a whole 20 points
if you get him to go like that.

This is brilliant. We
should have one of these.

You get 100 points if you get him to
say, "don't worry. I'll deal with this."

Sorry - again! Reception has run out of
forms for joining the "friends of whitbury".

I'll get it. There's a supplementary
one if you want to get a newsletter.

Really! 36 copies?

Well... Just the two,
please. Don't tell the others.

Is that the tank? What? The one
with the hole? Oh, thank goodness!

Fix it quickly, please. You
want me to weld a patch on that?

Yes! We've used all the buckets
now. There's 200 gallons still in it.

I think so. Linda thinks
there might be more...

Are you going? Are
you not going to fix it?

Strange, isn't
it? Call it instinct,

but there's something about 200 gallons
of fuel, and the flame of a welding torch.

I've just gone
right off the idea.

I see! You want
us to empty it first!

Hey, now there's an idea (!)

Linda! Linda! Coming.

I think I'll need the
margarine tubs after all.

I want to help, to
make things better.

But if you look at the
facts, things get worse.

You've got to take
the broad overview.

Six parishes in four years, Gordon
all requesting I be transferred.

New ideas always generate hostility.
I get the same reaction here myself.

It's all wrong. I even
get heckled in the pulpit.

Godparents have tried
to throttle me in church.

Someone fired a gun at me
as I was announcing a hymn.

We all have our
setbacks, you know.

I'm wondering if I'm
really up to the job.

Not up to the job? Have you talked to anyone
about this? Yes, I have... And they agreed!

They what? They said that I am one of those unfortunates
with an innate capacity for upsetting people.

I don't believe it. Who
was this... This... Person?

The bishop! I asked him if there was
anything I could do about it, any therapy,

but he said, "no".

What about the
work? In the Lebanon?

Yes, that's what I've
come to tell you. What?

I've decided... Not to go.

Not to go?! I cannot believe
I'm hearing this, Horatio. All we...

What's that smell?

What?

Smells like petrol.
Don't go away.

Colin, what are you doing? Nearly
finished. What have you got there?

It's the oil. Oil? From
the heating tank.

Good god, how much of
this stuff have you got here?

370 gallons. It's been quite a
job. 370?! What's it doing in here?

We couldn't leave it outside
not with a storm forecast.

If lightning struck one
of those tubs, whump...!

You all right, mr brittas?

I've brought his
luggage, Gordon.

Luggage? Horatio's. I've asked the
taxi to come here, instead of home.

We don't want him
to miss his flight.

You've not heard? What? He may have decided not
to go. Who? Horatio. We've talked it over...

Gordon, someone will be catching
that plane tonight - either him or me.

You can't go... er, Laura, a
moment of your time, please.

Yes?

Tell the others we have a quantity
of heating fuel up in the weights room.

What quantity?
About 370 gallons.

What?! It's ok if we
take basic precautions.

You can't be serious?!
Storing heating oil indoors?

Look, it can't go in the tank, or
stay outside. It's a fire hazard!

It's only for a few hours.
What can go wrong?

I'm just taking the fire-eater
to the weights room. Ohh!

It's mr volcano. He needed
somewhere to practise...

Outside, please! Preferably beyond
the car park. Where are you going?

The press want a
photo of the cake.

In the weights room.

Stay right where you are, Timothy,
and blow those candles out now!

What do I do with the fireworks?

Sorry? Upstairs in the
weights room? Nobody move!

Tell Colin to lock the weights room
door. Nobody goes closer than 50 feet. Ok!

Those stairs are now out of
bounds to all - understood?

Right! Judy, come with me.

Nothing wrong, is there? What?

We heard... slight emergency,
but don't worry, I'm dealing with it.

Fifty feet!

Right ho, mr brittas!

Where do you want them,
then? On the desk, Julie.

Make sure there are no
disturbances for the next half hour.

Right, bruv. Yes? You
can put those down,

and come over here.

Tell me if I'm talking out of turn, but
it's time I reminded you of something. Yes?

Of two young men
starting out in life?

One going to theological college,
the other to loughborough college?

Yes. And before they went, they
put down on paper their aims in life.

I know.

Still got my copy.

On my paper it says:
"Working towards the dream".

Yes, yes.

We had 14 simple aims: "The
setting up of a world government;

"promoting team spirit;

"building a sense of
community;" Join in with me -

"abolition of crime;

"fairer allocation of the
world's resources; A...

"Religious revival;

"the end of war."

Rather a lot for one person, eh?

Which is why we decided to...

..Share the work,

body and soul.

I deal with the body, the
physical side, and you with the...

..Spiritual. Indeed.

I know we said that, Gordon,
but... You don't think it's a bit silly?

Ending poverty silly?! Heavens,
the head's fallen off your horse!

What? The rocking horse! It's
fallen on the floor with a right thump.

I don't understand.
It's a metaphor, bruv.

I'm saying that at times
like this, just remember:

"There's room on
my horse for two."

Get back! Back, for
goodness' sake! What?

No-one within 50ft
of this door! Why?

Because of the oil. I'll throw this
out, ok? The last oil from the tank.

No, don't do that. Remember what he said
about ecology? Any naked flames around you?

What? Matches? Flints? Cap guns?

No!

C'mon, c'mon!

It should be all right.

I would like to
believe you, Gordon.

So why don't you?
It's just that you're...

Similar things happen
to you, don't they? What?

You try to draw people closer, like
me. But it never works out like that.

Helen's told me about
the murder attempts,

the local petition, the cancellation of
'togetherness' classes 'cos they waste police time.

We get the odd trouble-maker, like anyone else. But,
you can't judge a place by headlines in newspapers.

What matters is what mr average citizen
thinks. He knows our work is worthwhile.

Does he? If only I had more
faith, Gordon. If only... If only...

..He'd give me a
sign, or something.

A sign? Like a comet
whizzing across the sky?

I'm afraid comets whizzing across
the sky are in short supply, bruv.

I have a more practical
suggestion. Yes?

Don't take my word for it - ask the
punters who use this centre daily.

Ask them if what we're doing is wrong,
if we should pack up and go home.

You'll get a pretty
dusty answer.

Ask them!

Ambulance siren passes

excuse me... I'm sorry.
Yes? Can I help you?

I wonder... Could you
give this to mr brittas?

Yes. Yes, of course.

You'll get it to him
before closing?

Yes, I will. It's the booking
form for July. What?

You must give 90 days'
notice for a coach party.

You're coming back?!
After this? Of course we are.

But your collar bone's
broken. It'll heal.

It's part of the experience.
Part of the brittas magic.

You don't think
he should give up?

Don't let him do that. He's why we
come here. He has a dream, did you know?

Yes... Yes, I did (!)

He wants to bring
people together.

He mustn't leave.
Don't let him give it up!

Look!

Three cheers for mr brittas -
hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

It's a good job we weren't
injured, eh, Gavin? Yes, mr brittas.

Don't worry, mrs Roberts, I will
get someone to take fido for a walk.

Gordon. Horatio! I won't be a moment. I know you're
busy, but my taxi's here and I just want to say goodbye.

Goodbye? Yes, and thank you.

Oh?

I was feeling a bit down earlier.
I don't know if you noticed. I did.

But today has helped me to sort
some things out, like what it's all about.

I hope you're not... you were right. My horse had been
shot from beneath me. I was lying on the battlefield,

wounded and dying, when from the
ranks ahead, I heard a familiar voice...

Right.

"Did you think I'd leave you dying," it
said, "when I've room on my horse for two?"

"Climb up, and you'll soon be
flying, back to the ranks so blue."

Oh, that! It's all a question
of inner certainty, isn't it?

I suppose so. Whatever happens,
you must hold onto the things inside you.

You have to... You
have to hold the dream.

Yeah, you do.

To the airport, driver! I
have a plane to catch!

Has he gone?

Yes. Yes, he's gone.

Oh, good!

You all right, Gordon? Fine,
my darling, absolutely fine.

It's so wonderful,
isn't it, when...

..When things go right!