The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 3, Episode 3 - Laura's Leaving - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, fellow
managers, I bid you welcome.

It is my proud duty to
introduce our speaker,

the member of parliament for
truro, the honourable Sebastian coe.

But before seby, I'd
like to share with you

a few thoughts on what this
conference is really all about.

Its official title may well be
expansion in the leisure market,

but do we not here have the chance
to paint on a broader canvas? We do.

Let us discuss the
meaning... Knock on door

sorry. Just to remind you before I go,
someone should turn up the pool heating.

Go? My interview.
The job in teddington.

I wanted to give you
some advice. You're busy.



Come in, Laura, come in.

I'm never too busy to help
a colleague. Thank you.

Sit down. How do you feel?

Very nervous,
I'd imagine. Well...

There is one thing
that helps. Yes?

Wear something smart,

something that suits you -
and possibly a dash of lipstick.

Make yourself more attractive.
I'll bear it in mind, mr brittas.

It helps. No point
looking dowdy. No.

Remember, you're not applying to be leisure
centre manager. That's what it said on the form.

That's not the half of it.

You are seeking responsibility for the welfare of
the community. You have to be more than manager.

You have to be social
worker, critic, friend, father...

Yes. I do have to be
there by ten. Anything else?



Just to turn up that heating. And
the coffee machine is low on cups.

Colin can do it. You've got enough
to panic about already. Thank you.

Off you go, and don't be too
disappointed if you don't get it.

Is it true? Mrs brittas,
you startled me.

I came as soon as I heard.

Sorry? That she's
leaving. Going!

Oh, you mean Laura. If
I could just talk to her...

Has she gone?
Tim, has Laura gone?

Yeah - to an interview. So
she's been applying for jobs?

No. They rang her. It's
their idea? Where's Gordon?

In his office. He is
not to be disturbed!

But I'm sure, if it's
you, he wouldn't mind.

And I was sharply reminded of
my responsibility the other day.

A woman on my
staff asked my advice.

She had her first big interview, and
you could see the pleading in her eyes -

"help me, mr brittas. Tell me
about managing a leisure centre."

I told her exactly what
I'm about to tell you.

She's leaving!
Morning, my darling.

You can't just let
her walk out! Who?

Who do you think?
Laura! Stop her.

Julie, in my office. That's the way
of the world, my darling. What is?

You nurture them, watch them
grow, but the result is always the same.

The fledgling learns to fly.

What will you do? If
Laura goes, no one...

You didn't want to be disturbed.
Get me a pound from petty cash.

We'll do what
we've always done -

pilot our little vessel
through the rocks.

She was useful... "Useful"?!
She's all this place has got!

Doctor her references! Helen...
Ring them. Say she steals things.

I'll say she does. Helen, Helen.

This is what always happens.

As soon as I make a friend,
they just go away and leave me.

Nobody ever stays.

I'm staying, my darling.

Ģ what d'you want me to do now?

You could take my
wife to the cafeteria.

Buy her a coffee and
a doughnut. Come on.

Come on, my darling. Julie will
look after you. Come on. Out you go.

Right.

I'm sorry. It's just I only heard
this morning about Laura leaving.

We don't know she
is. It's only an interview.

She'll get it. You know it.

Yeah. We'll miss her.

I'm not talking about
friendship. This is survival!

I mean, doesn't it scare you at
all, just knowing she's not here?

We'll be fine. There's
only the baptism.

Mr brittas is staying in his office, and the public
are outnumbered by the staff by three to one.

-Nothing major can go wrong.
-They never are major initially.

What?

The disasters always
start with something trivial.

Some tiny little
thing goes wrong.

Cup of coffee? Mmm.

Carole, is that wise?

Yes. These are
fast non-coloureds.

I meant if mr brittas sees you.

Fine.

Didn't he tell you to use reception
more as... Well, reception, really?

It's just for today. Anyway,
he's in his office all day.

Be careful. I will.

How may I help you?

I've just lost 20p in
the coffee machine.

Yes?

And the one in the rifle-range has
apparently been disconnected by the manager.

Yes. I'd like my money back!

You have witnesses?
Someone saw you lose it?

I can't give a refund
otherwise. You are joking?

Centre policy. Seen Colin?

No, and I've got a note for him.

Tell him I need help. They're ready
and the harmonium is in the footbath.

Could I have some change? Sorry?

I'm trying to get
a cup of coffee.

I can only open the
till if I ring up a sale.

I have to buy something? Well...

I'll take... That squash racquet!
Oh, yes. It comes in two styles.

Just give me 20p in the change!

I'll put this by for you.

Excuse me, my name is... co-lin!

That's the one! This'll be for
me, then. Are you all right, Colin?

Where else but in a leisure centre
can we heal our troubled society?

Where else can young and old of every class
and race play with each other in the gym?

And where can ordinary people find
meaning and purpose, commitment and caring?

What is it, Colin?

I'm sorry. You wanted to
see me. Four hours ago!

I'm afraid I had a slight accident on
my rowing machine. Come in, Colin.

The trouble was,
I'd lost a rollock.

I just fell off the machine, which,
incidentally, powers the lighting.

In the dark, I went
into the kitchen.

The cupboard struck me on the
head, and since then I... Colin! Yes?

Number one, increase the heating in
the pool for the pentecostal baptism.

Right! And put cups
in the coffee machine.

Wilko, mr brittas.

Number one was...?

More heat.

Heat! Got it!

Number two...? Cups
in the coffee machine.

Cups! That's it.

So that's the cups and...

..And...

I'll tell you what, Colin. You
just do the pool. All right?

Someone else can do
the cups. Laura's good.

Laura is not here.
Not ill, is she? She's...

I wouldn't want both of us down.

I got hit on the head. I... She's at an
interview. Have you thought of having one?

No. I think I've found my
niche here with you, mr brittas.

So...

That's it, then, is it?

Just the pool.

Yes. If you had the time, you could
take a piece of rope up to the roof,

tie one end to the lightning rod,
the other to your fly, and jump off.

Mr brittas? Only if
you have the time.

Hey, Mike, I've got a free one!

Awwww!

How was mr brittas, Colin? Mr brittas? Ah.
He wants to see me. I thought he just had.

What? Oh, yes!
Quite right, Carole.

I must increase
the heat in the pool.

It's burned me!

I've got boiling coffee
all over my... Trousers!

I'll call first aid. I
don't need first aid!

A bandage?

Nor do I want anything bandaged!

I just want to get a white coffee with
sugar, preferably in a cup this time!

Of course.

What's this? The
official claim forms.

Block capitals. We don't want
to have to do it all again, do we?

Is it, I wonder, an
exaggeration to say

that we, leisure centre managers,
shape the future of civilisation?

I think not.

You may say I'm a dreamer.

But I'm not the only one.

I hope someday you'll
join us... Knock on door

Gavin. What is it? Oh, sorry.

Is anyone sorting out
the heat in the pool?

All sorted. Colin is doing
that. That reminds me.

Can you check the coffee
machine? Certainly. Um...

He's all right now, is he? Who?

Colin. When I saw him, he looked
as if he didn't know what day it was.

What's new? I only asked him to do one thing and wrote
it on his hand. Not even Colin can get that wrong.

N-No, mr brittas.

Telephone rings

♪ Jordan, deep and
wide. Hallelujah... ♪

Colin, can you give me
hand? Colin, are you all right?

Colin! I'll tell him you
want him. ♪ Hallelujah... ♪

I'm sure he won't be long.

Ah, mr brittas, could you just sign mr Jackson's
claim forms? So I can get a cup of coffee.

Don't you think this paperwork is
unnecessary? It crossed my mind.

My concern is for the
safety of public money.

I'm sure you're an
honest, upright citizen,

but we have had our fingers burnt,
once or twice, haven't we? Oh, yes.

People claim money
they aren't entitled to.

It's only 20p, but
let me remind you,

five of those make a pound...

Yes, thank you. I am a
maths teacher. Point taken.

Right. Now...

Let's have a look.

Postcode, father's
occupation, police record...

And you've signed it.
Everything seems in order.

Do I actually get
a cup of coffee?

Yes, indeed.

As soon as we've checked with what
we have on the cameras. The what?!

We have cameras monitoring the
more sensitive areas of the centre.

I'll wind the tape back to 12.57
and hopefully confirm your story.

In the meantime,
take a magazine.

We've caught a
streaker, have we?

Just keep rewinding, Tim.
The incident occurred at 12.57.

So... what's happened?
Sorry. Who is that?

Colin. Why is he
carrying all that rope?

Rope? Oh, no.

He wouldn't. Wouldn't
what? I told him earlier to...

I told him to jump off the roof.
That was a joke, was it? Of course!

Colin couldn't take that seriously.
Could he? No. Of course not.

Not unless a bang on the head had
scrambled his brains. Come with me, Tim!

Have you decided yet?
Pardon? Am I a criminal?

Something's come
up. Where is my coffee?

Carole, give this man
his money. Yes, mr brittas.

Ah, Linda. Have you seen Colin?

He was heading for the
storeroom - singing. Singing what?

About crossing
the river of Jordan.

Three days before the
conference! Come on.

Here's your money, mr
Jackson... Have a nice day.

And as our brothers and
sisters step into the waters,

let us pray.

Let us pray that
their baptism today

may see tongues of fire come
down from heaven, as they did of old.

May that fire
enter their bodies...

..So that they
might have new life.

Don't do it, Colin. Stop.
Stop right there. Mr brittas!

I'm sorry if I spoke to
you harshly before, but...

What are you doing? Tidying up
this cable. I know you like things neat.

Is that cable
live? Certainly is.

Have you any idea how
dangerous that is? Dangerous?

Coiled live cable creates a
powerful magnetic field. Oh.

Imagine if some elderly person
came in, leaned against the wall,

and the field turned
his pacemaker off.

I'd never thought of that. You'd have a death
on your hands. Take it down. Right, mr brittas.

Where does this
thing go, anyway?

What's happened to the lights?

It's because my husband has just
electrocuted everyone in the pool.

My god!

It reminds me of my
uncle's salmon fishing.

What?! Seeing the bodies
floating on the surface like that.

Are they dead? The
fish were usually stunned.

My uncle hauled them out
and knocked their heads in.

Maybe that's what Gordon
will do. You never know.

How did it happen? He
dropped an electric fire in.

Why?

I don't know, Julie. I don't ask
about these things any more.

No, no, no. That is not enough.
We need at least four ambulances!

I suppose it will have to be!

They are turning the
power on. Thank you.

Where do you think
you're going? I'm sorry.

What do I always say about mixing
electricity and water? Not to do it.

And you hang a fire
over a swimming pool!

It's not his fault. Whose
it it? He's concussed!

He shouldn't have come in! I don't
care if he's got dysentery! He's a menace.

I've let you down. You have. What can I
do? Go and copy out the safety manual.

Right. What?! Ten
times. You can't do that!

He can't go around
wiping out churchgoers.

That's like being back at school.
You're giving him lines! Precisely.

Carole. Yes? The safety
manual and a pad of paper.

Carole? It's in here
somewhere. Ah! Here it is.

That's dr Spock. What?
I'll have another look.

All right. Open the doors.
I don't need to. Carole!

They're back. Just for the day. I
warned you before. You're leaving. What?

You cannot keep your
desk full of children.

Look at it! It's a few things for
my babies. It's not a few things.

What you have is a well-stocked branch of
mothercare. Now pack. I was only... do it!

Mr brittas. What?
I've been asked to say

that you're treating Colin unfairly.
Not now. But we feel strongly...

I'm dealing with Carole
now! Don't just stand there.

Help her. With what?
Her bags. She's leaving.

No!

She's flagrantly disobeyed me.
He's throwing her out! You can't!

Come on! Excuse me... not now.

Mr brittas... Tim,
pack up those toys.

And I go away (?) What?
My coffee doesn't matter (!)

Can we shut up
about your coffee?

If Carole goes, I shall
reconsider my position.

You're resigning I
am! Yes! Anyone else?

Gunshots

Nobody's leaving.

Nobody is going anywhere -

not until I get one cup
of coffee with two sugars!

Is everything all right?

Knock on door

the last of the ambulances has gone.
Oh, and I gave mr Jackson his 20p.

Good. I think we've
been quite lucky, really.

With the pentecostalists. One said
they saw fire dancing on the water.

They thought it
was a holy visitation.

Does that mean
they're not going to sue?

They've booked
in again next week!

Good.

Carole is... Um...
Packing her things.

Yes. I suppose there's no chance...
I don't want her to leave, Laura.

In that case... I warned her, and I can't go back
on my word. No. I would if I could, but I can't.

No.

It happened to him once, you
know. Sorry? Gordon. In Khartoum.

In the final stage of the siege,
he rationed water supplies.

This lad, one of his favourites - Abdul -
stole a saucerful of water for his dying puppy.

Gordon liked Abdul, but he
couldn't go back on his word.

Although the lad was only nine,
he was court-martialled and shot.

It's what I have to do, Laura.

You're going to
shoot the children?

I'm building an analogy!

I'm saying leadership involves
hard decisions. I understand.

This is the finest job in the world,
but let no one tell you it's easy. I won't.

On Monday, managers
from everywhere are coming.

I've got to welcome
Sebastian coe.

It was going to be my
finest hour. And now?

Now I've got to explain why we're
closed and the staff are on strike.

Mr brittas, could I
make a little suggestion?

Thank you.

Carole, I heard you'd
been fired. I have.

But you're here. I'm
not the receptionist now.

I run the staff creche. I look after
the children of working women.

Children?

-Just the three.
-Yours?

Right. And where is this creche?

Well, mr brittas will give us a room
as soon as he has the resources.

Until then, we're based...
We're sort of based here.

They're all back
in the drawer? Yes!

And I stand in for
the new receptionist.

Whose idea was
all this? Laura's.

She's back?

She popped in.
Did she get the job?

Do you know, I forgot to
ask. I was so distracted...

..With mr brittas...

Bye-bye.

Laura...

Helen! Not disturbing you, am
I? No. I could do with a break.

How did it go? What? This
morning. The job. Oh, that! Fine.

I liked the man. He
liked me. Did he?

Mr brittas' reference said I was a good choice
for a woman. You got it, didn't you? I did.

Oh, no! More money,
start in October.

Look, Laura, I shouldn't
ask anyone to stay.

But things are so
bad. I didn't take it.

You saw what happened today when you
were gone for four hours. If you weren't...

I'm not leaving.
I didn't take it.

Come on. Let's
have a drink. Hello-o!

Anyone at ho-ome? I'm sorry,
Carole must have told him.

So I still have my deputy
manager. I'm afraid so.

Laura, it's absolutely nothing to
be ashamed about. Thank you.

I'll ring the manager and ask
him what he didn't like about you.

They liked her. They
offered her the job!

In fact, they did.

But she's turned it
down. She's going to stay.

Ice?

Turned down a chance to
manage a leisure centre?!

Yes. Isn't it wonderful?

How could anyone turn
down a chance like that?

It was in London. Precisely.

A prime site in our capital city!
How could she? That's your answer.

There.

Where?

I never knew. From the outside, it
looks such an ordinary little house.

And at the back, there's this.
She stayed because of a garden?!

She thought pansies were more important
than a leisure centre?! I think so.

There's some funny
people in this world!