The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 3, Episode 2 - That Creeping Feeling - full transcript

Coffee, Laura? Thank you.

Bangs down cup thank
you, Julie. Door slams

I think it's from
millbanks. Lord millbanks?

It's his writing. Didn't
you part on bad terms?

Really?

The death threats (?) We've all
spoken in the heat of the moment.

Julie? The scissors, please.

I imagine it's his way of
saying, "no hard feelings."

We think it's from lord millbanks,
in South America. Isn't that nice?

How much longer
will you let this go on?

Pardon? The staff,
carrying on like that.



Like what? They've
sent you to coventry.

Coventry?

Twoweeksago! you've notnoticed?

I thought things
weregoingratherwell, actually.

Well?! People not answering
back, justgettingonwiththejob!

Is it something you wanted? Hmm?
Your present from South America.

I'm not sure, really.
It looks like leaves.

Leaves? perhapsit'ssomesort
ofherbaldrink. wasthereanote?

Why would they do that?

What?

Why would theydothat?

Send me tocoventry? Ifyou really
wantto know... I do, Laura, I do!

Ithinkitwaswhen yougaveoutyourindividual
fitnessandfiguretargets.

Remember? Perfectly. I'mjust
tryingtorememberif isaidanythingtoupsetanyone.



Well...

Hangon, I'mjustrunningitthrough.

So, oneofourresponsibilities
istoshowbyexample,

howattractivebodies
glowingwithhealthyfitnessare.

Wewantpeopletosay,"lookat
them! iwish I lookedlikethat!"

But, is that whattheysay? Dowe
havethe bodiesotherpeoplewant?

Lookingroundtheroom, in many cases, the answer
would be, "no, we do not, thank you very much!"

Which is why I have prepared...

I'm sorry I'm late. Ok, Colin.

Iwokeupwiththisratherpainful
septicrash! Just sitdown, colin.

I'mpossiblyallergicto the
elasticinmy newpyjamas. Colin!

Whichiswhyi'veprepared
personalisedfitness andfiguretargets-Laura.

Now, withinthesefiles you'llfindnotonly
somegeneraldo'sanddon'ts,

but also, a personal programme of
diet, exercise and mental discipline

that will take you, in six months,
to your peak of physical well-being.

Yours is a two-year
outline. Thank you.

On page one, there's a photograph of your
physical condition as it is at this very moment.

Is that Sam? Indeed, Laura. I'm
using Sam's file as an example.

If we place the plastic overlay
over the photograph like so,

you'll see I've marked the
areas in need of attention.

In Samantha'scase;
Flabbythighshere,

poormuscletonehereandthese
ratherunattractivethickankles.

Haveyougotpicturesofeveryone?
Indeed. Everyonehastheirtarget.

Where did you
get this? Yes, Tim?

This photograph of me.

From the changing room. What?

It's possible, using the local video shop, to
transfer a still frame from our security cameras.

You photographed people changing?! They're
just bodies, we've seen them before.

Well, not mine you 'aven't.

My god!

Now, before anyone
gets excited, let me say,

nobody is on trial. It's a programme to
make us fitter. Isn't that what we want?

I can't think of anything. Well,
very strong feelings were aroused.

Because of my targets? Yes.
Why? I meant to help! I know you did.

Do you know how long they took?
My wife didn't see me for three months.

Fortunately, she was very
cheerful about it actually.

Sorry I'm late, just clearing up
some congestion with nasal floss!

He's talking to me, Laura.

He's management, So am I.
Did you know about this, Colin?

What? The staff
not talking to me.

I told them you'd notice!

It's despicable, after
all you've done for us!

All right. They hold secret
meetings and say dreadful things!

Secret meetings? I kept on
thinking, "if only I could help!"

There's one thing you can do. Yes? I want names.
Everyone who sent me to coventry and didn't tell me.

Make a list.

Right, mr brittas! I'm so glad
it's all out in the open now.

It's been like some strange, evil force in
the life of the centre! Just do it, Colin!

What exactly have you got in mind?
What? What will you do to them?

They're sick people.
I won't do anything,

except make an appointment for
them with the county psychologist.

Telephone rings

dr Matthews' office.

I'm afraid he's
busy at the moment.

An appointment? There's
a waiting list, mr brittas,

of several months. Brittas?

I can ask him. Gordon brittas?

Yeah.

I'll take it. Mr brittas!
Alan Matthews here.

What sort of problem?

I could check
anxiety levels, yes.

Yes, I could be with you in half an
hour. I look forward to seeing you!

But... your appointments!

See if you can juggle them round
a bit, Debbie. This is important.

You've not heard
of him? Brittas? No.

At the opening, he made the duchess
of Kent pick up a sweet wrapper.

He said that she ought
to set an example.

-He didn't?!
-He did!

I'll get a book out
of this, Debbie!

Carole, can I have a word?
Sorry, I'm having a clear out.

Did you send mr
brittas to coventry?

Well... yes?

And no. You see, I want to
show solidarity with the staff,

but, when he says "Carole!" The
way he does, I say, "yes, mr brittas."

You do talk. Well... I'll put you
down as a "don't know". Thank you.

Morning! Have you got
the exercise room keys?

Oh! Yes, mrs brittas. I'm sorry,
I'm clearing the toy cupboard.

So I see! It's for charity -

for children less
fortunate than us!

Less fortunate than
children living in drawers (?)

-We must count our blessings.
-I suppose so.

It's extraordinary the things they make
for children these days. Look at this!

Which one's that? The hairy wotsit.
Boing, boing! Oh-h! It's still turned on!

I'm afraid Ben's
dribbled over them.

Fine (!) I'll set up the antenatal
class. You won't leave it like that?

What? Don't waste
the batteries. Batteries?

Oh-h! Bungy bear!

We don't want to part with him, Ben.
Shall we pass him on to the twins?

Emily?

Your turn next!

Leaves? Yeah!

Ģ why would anyone send leaves?

Maybe they're poisoned.
Millbanks had reasons.

1.5 million reasons (!) That's what the
Rembrandt's worth. He destroyed a Rembrandt?

Sort of. We were
at millbanks hall.

Millbanks threw it at
brittas. But it fell in the fire.

Really?

He gave up all his family's estates! If
he's sent leaves, there must be a reason.

Julie! Mr brittas wants a list of
those who've sent him to coventry.

Put me down. Right. And tell him
it was my idea. I'll just put a tick.

I've done you two, haven't I?

Colin?

You know about plants. Why
would anyone send leaves to brittas?

Fascinating!

Boreans tenoris, Gavin!

A tropical hardwood.

The bark is used to make sandals, and the roots are
said to be mildly aphrodisiac! What do the leaves do?

Nothing.

Not toxic?

Used in black magic?
No, just leaves.

Though I've heard that
they're used as packaging,

when people send
something delicate and fragile.

But brittas said it
was empty! Except...

..Half a spider.

And why send
brittas half a spider?

Muffled squeaks

excuse me.

Oh! Welcome to whitbury new town
leisure centre! How may I help you?

I've an appointment
with mr brittas. Oh, right!

Will you take him to mr brittas?

Yeah, come on.

I'd understand if it was alive.

I'd have sent two.
Two what? Spiders.

Where?!

We're just talking about them. The mere
mention of them makes my scalp crawl!

We won't mention them again.
Thank you. Right, now, Ben!

So, this should do the trick?

It should give us a few clues. I hope
so. This centre's not just a workplace. No?

It's so much more. My staff wasting
energy on disputes is such a waste!

Sorry to interrupt.
Come in, darling.

Where's mrs Lucas?
Alan, meet my wife.

Hello.

She's not there...
We'll try it now! What?

This machine
tests anxiety levels!

I've got my class. We could
do a "before and after" -

how tense you feel now
and then after the session!

Ok.

Come on, my darling, sit down.

It won't take too long?
I shouldn't think so.

These are just sensors. They measure the skin's
electrical resistance. You get a buzzing noise.

This is lower the more relaxed
you are. The higher the noise...

High pitched hum
that's quite high, isn't it?

Yes.

To be honest, I've only seen these
levels in america - on death row.

Are you under some
particular strain at the moment?

Not really. It's been
a rather better day.

I see.

With some relaxation techniques,
the noise should go down?

In theory. Sit back, my darling,

pitch rises as he speaks we're on a
tropical island, skipping along the beach,

I take your hand. Noise stops

there, it's stopped!

No, it's gone into ultrasound.
It's caused a paper jam, as well.

It's ok, it's Julie.
That's a relief.

He's brought in a
psychologist. What?

A psychologist.

Professional help -
that's what he needs.

It's for the best.

No, it's for you. Me?!

He's seeing everyone
who sent him to coventry.

Why?

Not high-voltage
cables in our ears (?)

I don't think so.
It doesn't work (!)

Look, we've got to
make some sort of stand.

We've sent him to coventry!
We need something drastic.

Like what?

Total no co-operation!
Don't do what he wants.

But you don't anyway! I'm
talking about combined action.

He's only trying to help.

Nice mr major was
only trying to help (!)

It doesn't work
that way! No-o-o...

Gavin!

Name one time when brittas'
help has helped someone.

Well...

What should we do? Call a staff
meeting tonight. I'm phoning Brazil.

Where? Lord millbanks!

To tell him it didn't
work! Nobody died.

Laura! Have you seen mr
brittas? No, see the smile (?)

He should know
about the spider. What?

There was a half-eaten
spider in here. A spider?

It happened to my
brother once. What did?

Someone sent two spiders. When
they arrived, one had eaten the other!

Yes... I'm obviously
missing something.

It means there was another spider in the box! And
now it's roaming the centre, filled with venom!

Who says it's poisonous?
Why else send it?

It's another assassination
attempt, Laura!

Hang on, let's not rush.

Is this spider dangerous or not? I
could phone my brother. Good idea!

Should we evacuate?
Let's wait for Linda. Right!

I get this feeling it's round here!
Well, we'll keep our eyes peeled.

So, how do you feel about
working in a leisure centre?

Fine. Work's no worry?

No!

Good!

What about other members
of staff? Any problems there?

No!

Right. Well, you seem to have a
very relaxed and healthy attitude.

There you are!

I'll need a word with
Tim. Pitch of machine rises

slight panic over the antenatal class. Penny's
helping, so you've volunteered to do her pool duty!

Pitch rises it is your half day,
but it's all hands on the deck.

Are we overdue
for a fresh t-shirt,

before our duty?
Point taken? Good!

Gordon, what have you
done? Sorry, my darling?

Mrs Lucas? Someone
said she's gone home!

Mrs Lucas won't be taking
antenatal classes in future. Why not?

I've had to dismiss her. Dismiss her?! The most
popular antenatal teacher in the south of england?!

Popular maybe, but
she was also a sexist.

What?!

How anyone can believe that men
should be excluded from pregnancy...

Is this because she wouldn't let
you in the class? This is the nineties.

Childbirth is not just a female
experience. It's something we share.

When you're having our twins,
I'll be right in there with you!

You won't, will you?!

I wouldn't miss a moment!
So, who's taking the class?

I am.

Let's not keep anyone waiting.

What's this all about?

I'm checking staff anxiety. How
they feel about work. And that's it?

That's all mr brittas said.

Machine pitch rises
do you get on well?

With who? Mr brittas.

Pitch rises enjoy it here?

S'all right. Sure?

Higher tone you know.

Any particular time
when he's upset you?

Pitch increases greatly perhaps.

While we're thinking these gentle,
positive thoughts, let's remember dad.

Because he's sometimes
left out, isn't he?

Let's remember Jim, eh, Brenda?

And hope his redundancy and
recession worries are unfounded.

Let's remember Bob, eh, Elaine?

And we all hope you hear
some news of him before too long.

Let's forget these are worrying
times for a child to be born into.

Let's not think of the many things that
could go wrong with the actual birth itself.

Although we'll discuss one or
two of those in next week's class.

Oh, Gordon!

We were right. What? My brother
recognised the spider. It's not good.

It's a tarantula, one of the world's most
poisonous! It gets worse. Worse? Yes.

You see, he's quite sure that someone sent
a mating pair, and the female ate the male!

Revolting! That's
not the bad bit.

The female will be laying its eggs!
About 300! Should we alert the public?

There aren't many to alert - the
antenatal class and two swimmers!

We must warn them! All right!
I'll tell brittas. I'll check the pool.

Apparently, they like
somewhere warm and damp.

I'm looking for mr brittas.

I'll take you. Thanks. You're
the psychologist? Right.

You could be the
person we need (!)

You have the baby
going out like that!

General uproar it does!

Rooms are used for other
activities during the day, sometimes.

For example, today, there's
an antenatal relaxation class.

..It gently goes
through there, like that.

Women argue
excuse me, it does...

This is an antenatal
relaxation class?!

Yes.

Is it often like that?

Quite a lot. Look, if you
don't mind, I'd better...

Yes, of course.

So, you've checked everyone?
Yes, and I think I've found the answer.

That's a relief. Let's hear it! I'm afraid the
main cause of stress in this building is yourself.

You don't mean to, but you've a knack
of rubbing people up the wrong way.

I hear what you're saying, but I think you
must be missing something, somewhere.

I thought that'd be your reaction,
so, I've set up an experiment.

Experiment?

Next door. All
ready and waiting.

Right.

Everything ok,
Julie? Yes, thanks.

Good!

I want you to talk to Julie,
without raising her stress-level.

Talk? What about? Anything
you like, just try not to upset her.

That's all? That's all.

Sounds easy enough.

Pitch rises I haven't
said anything!

I'm sorry! Don't worry, relax.

Ok, mr brittas. Try again.

Pitch increases she
didn't give me a chance!

Let's go and talk
about it in your office.

I don't understand. I love my staff.
Why would I want to upset them? I know.

I mean, this place is everything
I've always wanted. It's my dream.

That might be the
trouble. My dream? How?

Dreams can be dangerous. I sometimes
think we'd do better without them.

But... everyone has
a dream! Don't you?

Not like yours, no.

I have a dream about
keeping horses in the country.

It doesn't involve anyone else.

But I'm talking about changing people's
lives, changing the way they think,

changing our
civilisation! I know.

Isn't that worthwhile?

It just makes
life very difficult.

So, you think I should
abandon my dream?

Yes! I think that'd be the
answer. Just give it up?

Yes.

If you forgot about world peace and brotherhood, and
just ran a sports centre, everything would be fine.

But what if I'm right? What if
my dream really will help people?

I don't have all the answers.

But I do, that's why
I'm the manager!

Mr brittas! What? Colin
was bitten by a spider.

Excuse us, al.

In here. Colin, you
all right? Not too bad.

Wasn't it a poisonous spider?

Extremely poisonous. According to Linda's
brother, I've three and a half minutes left!

Three and a half! Three, now.

He looks all right! The symptoms
take time to appear. What symptoms?

Death, mostly.

Could I just say how very much I
have enjoyed working with you all.

Colin! I never
really had a family.

Has anyone called an ambulance?

Yes, but... yes? Well, Laura told them what spider
it was, but the nearest antidote's in Birmingham!

We can't do
anything? We don't...

Only if the poison's sucked out. Why
hasn't it been done? It's not that simple!

It needed a warm
and damp place...

..And it found Colin's trousers.

Now, you take care of yourself.

One of us will be in to see
you this evening. Out you go!

You'd better make out a rota,
or he'll get no visitors at all! Ok.

Will he be all right? I think so, but
our problem is, who'll do his pool duty?

I'll do that! I thought
it was your half-day?

Anything to help. Thank you!

I'll make out that visiting rota. That'll be
very kind, Julie! And, I'll do it in triplicate!

Thanks.

Your jacket, mr brittas.
I gave it a brush-down!

Now, let's get back to work.

Back to work!

Knock at door

the hospital's rung.
He's all right? Sort of.

He has high toxicity, but that's
nothing to do with the spider. Good.

Dr Matthews has gone?
Yes. Did he suggest anything?

Nothing very
practical, I'm afraid.

Well, I'd better get on home,
then. Tell me something, Laura.

I have got this right, have I?

I spend three months on a staff improvement
plan and they send me to coventry.

They were very
upset, mr brittas.

I then spend 30
seconds on the floor,

sucking out a bit of poison,
and suddenly, I'm mr wonderful!

Yeah!

Can you work out the
logic of that? Ermm...

Honestly, Laura, I sometimes
wonder if I understand people at all!