The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 2, Episode 4 - Set in Concrete - full transcript

Knock at door they're
all waiting for you.

Sorry? The foot inspection.
Everyone's waiting.

I've got a lot on my plate.
Could you look after it for me?

I'm not sure I'm qualified to
inspect feet. Colin, perhaps?

It was his feet
you wanted to see.

You thought it tactful
to look at everyone's.

I've more urgent matters
to attend to than Colin's feet.

I've the solution
to our problems.

Which particular ones
did you have in mind?

You've noticed that this centre has more than
its share of upsets, disturbances, accidents?

The fights? That sort of thing.
I've discovered the cause.



Oh, good (!) A head of department's
meeting at, say, nine o'clock?

I'll tell everyone to put their socks
back on and come straight up.

How did it go last night? Sorry?

The rotarian dinner
in the sports hall. Ok.

Any problems? One or two hiccups
but I managed to sort them out.

Good.

Hello, mrs brittas.

I'm just putting
on my tights. Yes.

Is my husband around? Sorry?

He didn't come home last night.

I think he's in his office. Oh.

Mr brittas? Your wife's here.

Yes... yes... yes...

Yes... yes... Yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.



He's in an important meeting,

but he said to give you a pound from petty
cash for a doughnut from the cafeteria.

He'll be down
when he's finished.

My lucky day. Oh, mrs
brittas... If you'll just sign this iou.

Is your baby still
in that drawer?

I took your advice about
giving Ben more space.

So I've put him in the
cupboard. And I promise...

Do you know about
the mouse? Sorry?

I saw a mouse run
behind the desk. Really?

It's just with small babies you
ought to be careful. Yes. Of course.

Sorry I'm late, I got
held up in casualty.

If you'd like to take a seat.

I won't, if you don't mind.

You all right? Fine, thank you.

I've had an acupuncture needle
removed from the base of my spine.

I quite forgot I put it there
until I sat on the motorbike.

Just sit down, will you, Colin?
I'll try perching on the edge.

Ow!

Sorry about that, mr brittas.

I've been giving some thought to the
disturbances we keep having. The fights?

What puzzles me is, so many
sane people come into the centre

and suddenly they're squabbling, being abusive,
striking staff... Like the woman yesterday.

Precisely. What woman? She came
in for a "make a friend" open morning,

and was told she had
hair on her upper lip.

Just a little joke to
keep things relaxed.

She hit him with
a chicken. I see.

I'm glad you do. There's something strange going
on around here, and I know where the fault lies.

It's in the building.

The what? Sick building
syndrome, Laura.

It was this article in the mail on
Sunday that gave me the clue.

Apparently it's caused by
the design of modern buildings.

I thought that was
working on vdus.

Not just that, Laura, no.

The heating, lighting, ventilation
systems, could cause our problems.

I've managed to trace
a firm of consultants.

You all right, mr
brittas? Sorry?

It's just... yes? Nothing.

They're sending us a mr Graham
hanson, who'll be here at eleven,

so I want the staff to
give him full co-operation.

Right, mr brittas.

I can't greet him myself, so
I'd like Laura to look out for him.

I'll keep an eye
out. Indeed, Colin.

Any questions?
Well... yes, Laura.

Why have you got your
feet in a cardboard box?

Right. Now...

Your husband sends his apologies and
asked me to offer you another doughnut.

He's all right, is he, Laura?

I heard there was
bother at the dinner.

Bother? The rotarians.

He stopped the speeches to
complain about misuse of the lavatories.

Well... something about people
not lifting the seat. Is it true?

It is. And during the loyal toast he gave
the president a mop and a list of offenders.

And he sent everyone else home.

What did they do to him?

He's got a plaster on his hand,

so we think a doctor at the
health centre gave him an injection.

He doesn't remember anything until
the cleaners woke him up at 7.30. I see.

Why does he do it? Ach...! Has
no-one told him people don't like it?

Told him what? He doesn't listen,
he doesn't hear the danger signs.

You can't make him stay still long
enough to get the message through.

That might be easier
at the moment. Will it?

They've set his
feet in concrete.

It's not ordinary
concrete, is it?

I'll try. No. I've waited a
long time for this chance.

I think I've lost a filling.

It's not doing anything, is it?

I know what it is! What?
What it is you remind me of.

Put you in a pair of shorts and
we can have a game of subbuteo!

Julie, I realise that some people
can see the humorous side of this,

but let's save witticisms like not having a leg
to stand on, keeping both feet on the ground...

..Putting your
best foot forward.

The fire brigade?
No. They'd cut you out.

I'm not having them here again.

They don't take photographs for
training purposes. It's for the newspapers.

Putting your foot down? Julie!

Sorry!

Will I cancel the sick building
man? No. This sort of thing shows

just how serious the situation
is. Rotarians don't usually do this.

I know someone who's a stone-Mason.
He could help. Not necessary, Linda.

It's just cement...
Webster's bond-fast. Pardon?

It's what they must have used.

Might tell us how
to get rid of it.

..Bond-fast... liquid steel...

..Sets in seconds... If this
product fails within 25...

..Years, we replace...

..De De De De De De De De De
De... Get the stone-Mason, Linda.

Right!

Hello?

Hello. How may I help you?

I was looking... For the
manager. I think he's expecting me.

He phoned me. Mr hanson? Yes?

Laura lancing, deputy manager.

Can I help you with your cases?

My instruments
are rather fragile.

Are they? Oh, dear.

If you'd come with
me... Loud clatter

could you show yourself up? I just
want a word with our receptionist.

Something the matter, Carol?

That mouse is in
with Ben. Mouse?

It's all my fault. It's the crumbs
from his rusks all over the floor.

There he is! Wait
a minute. What?

Look. Oh.

They're playing together. Yes.

You know what, Carol? I think
Ben's found a friend. But it's a mouse.

Ben doesn't mind.
At least it's company.

He's got lots of friends in
there. He's got all his toys. Yes.

But I think he
prefers the mouse.

Knock at door
come in. Mr hanson.

Splendid. Come along in, Graham.

Gordon brittas. How do you
do? Take a seat, Graham.

Coffee? Oh, thank you.

So, have you
noticed anything, yet?

Well...

About the building.
Notice any signs?

One can't usually see things...

Milk? Thank you, yes.

One has to check the ion level. I
use a modified gas spectrometer...

That's fascinating,
Graham. Sugar?

Two lumps. It's not till
you've taken measurements...

Can I suggest something?
Client input's very important.

One lump instead of two. Sorry?

You're doing something for us, we could do
something for you - help you cut back on sugar.

What?

Well, it's not just the teeth that
suffer, Graham, it's heart, lungs, blood...

And you are looking
pasty. Thanks.

Not at all. Back to the problem.
What's the best way to start? I usually...

A tour of the building so you understand
what the problem is. I've found it!

Ah!

I've found it. It's outside.

This is mr hanson - the man who's going
to cure our building. Oh, that's wonderful.

And how, exactly, are you
going to do that, mr hanson?

Ah, well... plants, Colin.

Graham will introduce plants to
increase the ionisation of the atmosphere.

It's a little more
complicated...

Let's go do it!
Finish your coffee.

Right.

Interestingly enough, Graham, I'm pretty sure my
own predicament is a result of sbs. You think so?

Well, you tell me. Do rotarians
normally behave like this?

No. Something must
have made them do it.

In here, Colin.
Follow me, Graham.

You don't mind starting
here? No. I'll start setting up.

Good. I've a rather urgent errand
to fulfil. Straight ahead, Colin.

You're not expecting me to
do it from here, are you, Colin?

It's the step.
You might slide...

Let's try a cubicle. Right.

Facing forward or do you want to
sit down? Just get me... excuse me.

Yes, you with the squash racket.

Forward, Colin.

I wonder do you realise
exactly how dangerous that is?

What? Swinging
a racket like that.

If a child had run in, you could
have slammed its jaw and disfigured it.

There's nobody here.
There could have been.

There's one squash racket
accident a year in a leisure centre.

Oh, really? Oh, dear. Well, let's
do our bit for safety, shall we?

There. One squash
racket accident.

Now we can relax
for the next year.

Now, Graham, I'm
glad you witnessed that.

These outbursts are common here, and it's innocent
bystanders like yourself who get hurt. What?

That is your jacket, isn't it?

My pen! He's broken my pen!

Precisely. My
grandma gave me that.

What about the jacket? Probably
written off a perfectly good suit.

Colin, give him a handkerchief.
Never mind giving it back.

It's done its three weeks.

How's it going then, Graham?
I'm not getting any reading.

You did plug it in? Oh, yes.

I don't understand it.
Should Colin switch it on?

Isn't it switched on? Not
until you give the word.

I'd like it switched on, please.

We've had a lot of trouble in
this particular room, Graham. Yes.

I often go by here and people are
always irritable, edgy, accident prone...

Yeah. I'll try over here.

These things are
amazing, aren't they? What?

I went on a computer
course and the bloke told...

What are you doing?

That's my personal property.
It's not even paid f... thank you.

I wouldn't do anything silly.

This is what I was going to do.

No, don't touch it. Please,
just don't touch anything.

Now that is exactly what
I've been talking about.

A moment's carelessness and bang goes a very
nice little computer, costing how much, Graham?

It took me six
months to program it!

Now you know why
we need sorting out.

Come on. I'll show you
some more. The gym, Colin.

He's blaming the
brickwork, now. Hi, Gavin.

A consultant's testing the building
to see why it makes people angry!

What's that? It's Ben.
He's got a little friend.

Has he? But there's no room...

Good lord!

They've played all
morning. Really?

They seem to get on rather well.

He's playing peek-a-boo. Intelligent
animals, mice. He seems really happy.

It's almost as if he prefers the
mouse's company... To mine.

You can understand it. Can you?

You're serving customers, the
mouse is with him all the time.

It's like mowgli. He'll
think he's a mouse.

He'll learn the language.
Skirting board ways.

Oh, only joking, Carol.

Of course, I knew you were.

Don't spare on the horses.

Over to the desk.
All right, Carol?

Julie, can you lend
us a couple of aspirin?

Graham's feeling
a bit headachey.

Wonder what brought that on (!)

Nothing to do but stand around?

Just 'hopping' down to the gym.

Why not check the car
park for litter. Yes, mr brittas.

Right. About turn, Colin.
Last stop before home. Ow!

You all right, Graham? I think
we ran over his foot, mr brittas.

It goes on, doesn't it, eh?

Never mind. Come
on. Keep up, gra'.

Are you staying in
there with the mouse,

or are you going to
play with mummy?

Thank you, Colin.

There's not a lot of point
testing in here, I'm afraid.

I beg to disagree, Graham.
This is one of our worst areas.

Only last week we had the entire
Swedish netball team in tears.

It's true. Mr
brittas was umpire.

I was referring
to the size of it.

Sick building syndrome is
associated with confined spaces.

I still think it's
worth checking.

But you can't... all right.

Won't these people complain?

There you touch on a sore point.

These good ladies couldn't
complain even if they wanted to. What?

It's an assertiveness course.

The ladies in this room
lack self-confidence.

They're all unattractive,
overweight and not very bright.

We bring them in here

to persuade them that despite all
that they still have worth and value.

Right, marjory? My
name's Rosemary.

Course it is. Good old rosy,
eh? I've had enough of this.

Pardon? I can't listen to any
more of this. I'm going home.

That's interesting. It's
happening to you, now, isn't it?

What? Irritable, upset - the precise
syndrome we're talking about.

No, it's not. It's
quite different.

He's getting it. Well...
Don't talk rubbish!

We who've learned to live with it can see it in
others, and you're getting it. I'm not. You are.

I'm not! You are.
I'm bloody not!

We all know you broke
your little computer,

but please control your frustration
in front of these inadequate women.

You're doing it again!

You don't have to
stay here. I had to.

It's my job to listen to idiots.

But you don't. You can leave.

All of you - go on!
Get out while you can!

Just get your coat on and leave.

Aa-aa-aah!

Don't cry to me
when you're hungry!

Fire bell everyone outside, as
quietly as you can. No need to panic.

Is there another fire? I've decided to close
the building. Why? We've had another accident.

What? Mrs Kennedy
flattened Graham.

A momentary lapse in
concentration and down she came.

We can't let anyone back inside
until we've got more plants. What?

To help regulate the atmosphere -
make sure this never happens again.

This way, ladies.
Give him a hand, Colin.

But... give him a hand!

If he burns, he
burns. That's life.

Straight out, please.
Everyone out.

Is that everyone?

Everyone outside? Good.

We've got all the staff outside.

What do you want them to do?

The best thing to do is send them all home and ask
volunteers to come in tomorrow with pot plants.

You're not going
anywhere, are you?

Don't you start, Laura.

Can we go to
your office, please?

Could we have a
talk? Great idea!

Fix a time with
Julie. I meant now.

We're in a crisis. I
have to go and... yes?

As long as you can keep it down
to five minutes. I'm very busy.

Why don't you listen
to people? What?

You never hear what people say.
I had a medical. My hearing is a1.

I don't mean that. I
mean what people say.

I said "could we have a talk?"
Not "could we have a talk?",

and you didn't
hear the difference.

What difference?

The second one
means "let's chat",

but the first means "if we don't
talk now I will self-destruct".

Right... people give hidden
messages in how they say things,

and if you don't receive them,
that's when you upset people!

Are you saying
I've upset someone?

Not someone.
Everyone. The staff,

customers, your
wife... Helen? Yes!

Why would I upset
her? I know. But you...

Name one time - one
time I've upset her.

The birthday present
you got her. The moped.

A blue moped, yellow oilskins and a
yellow helmet with "hi, I'm Helen" on it?!

So she can pop in to town... It
was a very generous present.

But not what she wanted. It was.

I asked her if she liked it
and she said yes, it was fine.

Exactly. If she'd said "it's what
I've always wanted. How wonderful!",

you could be sure it was ok.

But she said "yes, it's ok"
and that means it wasn't.

I'm sorry, Laura.
You've lost me.

Why would she say
what she doesn't mean?

So's not to hurt
your feelings. Eh?

If someone gave you a present, you wouldn't
just say you didn't like it, would you? Yes.

You would? Tactfully, of course.

Helen once bought me a tie and I said as gently
as possible it didn't go with anything I had.

What did she say? She had to go
and check something in the kitchen.

Anyway, she gave me the
money and I bought this one,

which I treasure particularly
'cos it came from her.

Mr brittas, could I suggest
a little experiment? Hmm?

I'm not convinced
about this, Laura.

I just think we
should try it, that's all.

You want me to ask her if she really enjoyed
getting that moped for her birthday? Yes.

And if she says "it was
fine"... That means no, it wasn't.

Then I ask her if she'd
rather have a little car instead,

and if she says "no, not really"... That
means yes, she would. Much rather.

You sure about
this? Fairly sure.

So, you mean... That
means I'm positive.

I wish people would say what
they mean. It's called a sub-text.

You see what happens,

I'll take the trolley inside.

Good luck!

Everything all right, Gordon?
Fine, my love. Only, I rang earlier

and they said you were still stuck
so I brought some sandwiches.

No thanks. I shan't
be much longer.

You're not coming home like
that? Stone-Mason's due any minute.

Had to pick up some marble
at Gatwick. As long as you're ok.

I better get back
to the kids, then.

Helen?

Yes?

Moped going all
right? Yes, thanks.

And you like it, do you? What?

The moped. Yes. Yes, it's fine.

I was just wondering if perhaps
you would've preferred a car.

Well, I'd... no. No, not really.

Because if you would we'll get rid of
the moped and buy one. What, seriously?

Oh, yes. Oh,
Gordon! I... I mean,

I'm not ungrateful. It was a kind
present. I'll take it back down the garage.

Oh, Gordon... thank you!

Oh, dear, I've got lipstick on
you. I'm sorry. It's just that I...

It's just that I... oh, Gordon!

I'll see you for supper,
then... Darling! Oh!

How'd it go? Extraordinary,
Laura. Quite extraordinary.

She looks pretty happy. I
haven't seen her like that in years.

You're smarter than you look. Thank you.
People meaning the opposite to what they say!

Who'd have thought
it? Who indeed?

You the bloke with his feet set in
concrete? The worthy stone-Mason.

Sorry I'm late. I
came when I could.

Don't worry, my time has
been most profitably spent.

Let's have a look. Always
good to see an expert at work.

You enjoy this
work, mr burridge?

Yeah... fine.

A-Ah!

So you'd rather
do something else?

Not really, no.

What do you
particularly dislike?

The lack of mental
challenge? What?

No brain power required in heaving
rocks around - no life for the intelligent.

Mr brittas... don't stop me now,
I'm just getting the hang of this.