The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 2, Episode 3 - An Inspector Calls - full transcript

Excuse me! What?

Are you going to be much longer?
I'm booked in for the next hour.

We're anxious to sweep the pool
and I wondered if you'd sit over there.

It shouldn't take
more than 40 minutes.

Well, I... Norma will get you a chair.
You could probably do with a rest anyway.

Ooh, is this his towel? I think
so, mr brittas. My, it's manky.

Could we lend you
another towel? Sorry?

Burn it, will you, Colin? Nothing
to pay. All part of the service.

How's it going, Linda?

I'm not sure I'll manage
a third coat, mr brittas.

Not to worry. Looking superb.
Bit of Polish on the legs.



We just completed
our tour of inspection,

and if I was an area inspector I'd be impressed,
wouldn't you, Laura? Indeed, yes, mr brittas.

The only problem areas to steer our man away from
are the basement toilets, the dustbins and Colin.

It's only an ear infection.

Colin is a first-rate team member
and I won't hear a word against him

but it is unsettling talking to a man who appears
to have mint jelly oozing out of his ears.

Now, a few words about what I
think this inspector will be looking for.

A priority will be noticeboards. A tidy one does
more than let Joe public know what is on offer.

It is the window to
the soul of the centre.

So, matching drawing pins and make sure they are all
hung vertically and not at that irritating angle.

I was wondering
why he's coming now.

Pardon? Don't they only come every three
years? We've only been open six months.

It's not for us to question the southern area
inspectorate. We just have to be ready for him.

Is it the man who
went to bedford?



We have a friend there who said
the inspector was really vicious.

Bedford did have
quite a reputation.

He tore the place apart! What
happened to the manager?

I'm sure our inspector will be
reasonable. We just carry on... Mr brittas!

What is it? It's the
gym. Come quickly.

It's a pigeon, mr brittas.

Yes, Colin. It
keeps flying around

and then every few seconds...

I've tried creeping up on it, but
they've eyes like hawks, pigeons.

Well, more like pigeons really, I suppose...
who was stupid enough to let it in here?

It was to get rid of the flies.

Flies? It's the hot weather. I noticed
bluebottles in and around my locker.

You brought a pigeon in to eat flies? It
ate them all. That's why it moved in here.

Why not use fly
spray? Insecticide?

A pigeon is more
environmentally friendly.

Call that environmentally
friendly, do you, Colin? Sorry.

It seems to have it in for you.
Can't we open a window? Let it go?

They're all sealed. I want it
out before the inspector arrives.

We could bring an imitation pigeon
and that one might mate with it.

That's ducks, Colin. You could do
what poachers do to catch pheasants.

Soak corn in alcohol then eat it.
How does that help catch pheasants?

The pheasants eat the
corn, Colin, not the poachers.

They fall off the branch and you
just pick them up. We'll try that.

Gentle tune plays oh,
that's for Ben, is it, Carole?

It's rather nice, isn't it?
Can he see it from there?

Oh, no, he's tucked up in
his drawer. He likes the sound.

Yes. Is it wise to keep
him shut up all day?

Oh, yes. I used to leave it open a crack but
he tried to get out. So now you keep it closed?

He doesn't mind.
He's very quiet.

Most animals go quiet in the
dark. That's why they cover parrots.

But if he's to develop normally, he ought
to have space and light. You think so?

Yes, I do. But I could be wrong.

With you in a
minute, my darling!

I wish I could
crawl into a drawer.

Right, that's clear?
Yes, mr brittas.

Just... where do I
buy drugged corn?

Buy ordinary corn
and mix it with vodka.

Don't forget the receipt.

Now then, my love. I got your
message. Anything wrong?

No, no, nothing at all. No, no,
no. I just wanted to give you this.

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪ I've had
my birthday present. The kitchen scissors.

They were just a token in
case the real thing didn't arrive.

Gordon?

The other end's in the car park. Have a look.
I've just got to change me jacket. Oh, Gordon!

Excuse me! This is my car.

I'm so sorry. I'm... Sorry.

Well, what do you think?

It's a moped.

You were always saying how much you hated
booking the car out on the kitchen chart.

Never again, my lovely. No...

125 miles to the gallon and you
can do all your own servicing. Well?

I don't know what to say, Gordon. There's nothing
to say. Enjoy it. Do you want to try it now?

I... oh, I haven't got a helmet.
Isn't it illegal without a helmet?

♪ Da-da! ♪

Right, away we go.

Turn the pedals and let go
the lever. Simple as 1, 2, 3.

Attagirl! Put a bit
of weight into it.

Did I tell her about
turning on the petrol?

Thunder rumbles

I've got the figures you
asked for. Ah, thank you, Julie.

This is what the inspector wants to know? How
many people come to the centre every day? Yes.

Depressing, isn't it? The question
is, do we have to show them like this?

How do you mean? Totalling attendances for
each day does emphasise the occasional naught.

Couldn't we show them monthly?
Annually wouldn't be double figures.

Numbers aren't everything. I'm sure our inspector
will look behind them and see the heart of the place.

..Yeah. I looked him up. It is
the one they had at bedford.

It's no good, it
won't eat the corn!

What? It doesn't seem to be
hungry. It'll be all those flies it ate.

And it's still phhrrrt...
I mean, everywhere.

We'll think of something else.

They've had an idea.
It was Gavin's idea.

You know the trouble they had with sparrows at
the great exhibition of 1851? Not intimately, no.

They used hawks to get
rid of the birds. Hawks?

You know, bigger birds. That is the stupidest
idea... Where can we find a hawk from?

A friend of mine breeds eagles
for arabs. And he'd lend us one?

If Timmy asked
him he'd do anything.

All right, Colin,
we'll go for it.

Gosh, you were caught in the storm, weren't you,
mrs brittas? Yes. Could you give this to my husband?

He won't be long if you want to see him.
No! It's just to say I'm taking the car.

I'm going away for a few
days. Oh! Where are you off to?

I'm not sure. I just thought I'd
better tell him. He doesn't know?

Well, he will
when he reads this.

Is everything all right?
Yes! Yes, it's fine. It's fine.

It's my birthday. Gordon
bought me a moped.

A what? A moped.

He'd said for ages he was going to buy me some
transport and today he gave me it and it was a moped.

Oh, dear.

These big trousers with it and
a plastic coat and this helmet.

"Hi, I'm Helen!"

He thought it would help me to meet people in
the traffic. He calls it spreading sunshine.

Helen, I'm sure he didn't mean
any harm. No, he never does.

It's just it came on top of everything
else and I don't want it to happen again.

You're leaving him, aren't you? No!
No... I just need to find my own space.

And it... just give him
the letter, will you, Laura?

Yes, of course. Yes. Thanks.

He's still doing it. How can you
get that much out of one bird?

I'll get on with it? We'd
be extremely grateful.

We have an important
visitor due here shortly.

There we are. Here we go.

This is titan, is it?

That's right. He's big, isn't
he? Stand back, please.

Ho, titan!

His eyesight's not up to much. The
pigeon's up there. I don't understand it.

I think he's eating the corn, mr wilmot.
What, Colin? The drugged corn for the pigeon.

That eagle's
eating it. Drugged?!

Titan!

How much of the corn did
it eat? All of it, mr brittas.

I don't think there's too much to worry about.
A drop of alcohol won't harm a bird that size.

Thump!

Still tidying up, Carole?

More rearranging. Mrs brittas said
Ben needed more space and light.

-Good.
-I've put him in a bigger drawer.

And I've put in a lightbulb
and magazine pictures.

-Be careful.
-Why?

-A lightbulb can get very warm.
-Can it?

A straw box and 100 watt bulb.
That's how mum used to cook Turkey!

Excuse me.

Welcome! How may I help you?

I'm here to see the manager.

I'll be right back, but I have
to go and get some cold water!

Bloody murderer!

It was a simple
accident, Gilbert.

I can quite understand you're upset but that's no
excuse for attacking me or my staff with a dead eagle.

Do you know how long it took to train that
bird? It shouldn't have headed for the corn.

I'll kill ye! Get him
outside, will you?

By the way, you
left this behind!

Mr brittas? Yeah, what is it?

Tim, she's got a nosebleed.

Can't you keep her so it
doesn't drip all over the floor?

My name's kitson. I
believe I'm expected.

Kitson...? Mr kitson!

Mr kitson! Welcome to our leisure
centre. Gordon brittas, manager.

You've got blood over your hand. Yes, indeed,
I have. Perhaps you'd like to meet the staff?

Timothy, one of our foot soldiers. And Linda,
one of our keenest, liveliest members of staff.

Timothy, I'd take her through to
the rest room. Right, mr brittas.

Who else can you meet, mr kitson?
You've having a problem, are you?

Problem? No, no, no, no. Just a
pigeon loose in the gymnasium.

I think we'll revert to the
original plan. What was that?

Get the cat, Gavin. Right.

What would you like to do
first? A tour of the building.

Ex-cellent idea! Why don't we pop
to the restaurant, pick up a soft drink...

Shouldn't you be getting changed? Yes.
If you'd wait... I could show him round.

Colin... If you'd
like to lead the way?

Colin... basement
toilets first and work up.

Knock at door come in.

I hear the inspector's arrived.
Yes. Colin's showing him round.

Really? I had to get changed.

Oh. Not a good start, then.

I don't think it would have made
any difference. The numbers.

That's what counts. If you don't
have the numbers... And we don't.

Mr brittas, it may not be as bad as
you think. Come on, we know the score.

He's here to do a hatchet job. By next
Monday someone else will be behind this desk.

I've said I thought it
should be you. Me?!

You've recommended me? I don't want some
stranger taking over and upsetting our staff.

They're a team, forged and bonded
over months, welded into a unit.

Look after them
for me, will you?

I'm so sorry.

This must be a
terrible time for you.

Don't worry about
me. I'll be all right.

Yes, of course. After all, when kitson's done
his butcher's work at least I can go home.

To three beautiful children, a
loving wife... that reminds me.

One day, if you get married - and I
don't think it's too late, even for you -

you'll realise how important it
is. A loving wife, a happy home.

I've got a letter for
you from your wife.

I gave her a moped today.

Phone rings

Brittas.

Colin, if mr kitson wants to see
the figures, you better show him up.

Do you want one, Laura? What
is it? A form the inspector gave us.

"Please list any criticisms of how
the centre is run." I've done four pages!

Take one before we run out.

I don't think I'll bother, Tim.

It's confidential. Mr
brittas won't know.

It's our one chance to get rid
of him. There's no need, Julie.

What? He's already going.

Brittas is leaving?

He doesn't have much choice. Ask
Julie. She typed up the attendance figures.

I still think we should fill
these in to be on the safe side.

He's going to be fired.
He knows it himself.

-How's he taking it?
-How do you think, Gavin?

Whatever else we may say about him, he cares
about this centre and now he's lost it.

And on top of that - I shouldn't say it, but
you'll soon know - his wife is leaving him.

When a man loses his job and wife on the same day,
writing a criticism of his management style seems...

I don't know, it seems
a bit unnecessary.

Rather disappointing
figures here.

Yes. Yes, they are, aren't they?

You run many excellent activities
but nobody seems to come to them.

Is there a reason for that?

Personally, I put most
of it down to apathy. Yes?

I set up a brand new course to help the
overweight come to terms with their self-image.

First week, we have a lighthearted
session with a measuring tape,

second week, no one
turns up. Very discouraging!

What are the staff like? How
would you describe them?

First class. You could not ask for a better
crowd. Dedicated, loyal, keen... it's no good!

Colin! Sorry. Knocks on door

it's worse than
ever. The pigeon?

No, it's gone. The cat ate it.
But it doesn't want to come down.

The cat. It's sitting up there, washing its
whiskers. I think it's waiting for another pigeon.

Let's just leave it there.

I don't think that's wise. The cat
has the same problem as the pigeon,

except, well, it's bigger.

And it's just eaten a
pigeon. It's doing it in heaps.

Colin... sorry, mr brittas.

I'm taking mr kitson down to
the lecture hall to talk to the staff.

You'll have to sort
this one out. Right!

Good afternoon, this is mr
kitson, the southern area inspector,

who's been visiting our
centre today and is going to...

Mr kitson.

Thank you.

Well...

Where do I begin?

When I arrived here this afternoon it was to find
your manager dealing with something of a crisis.

A pigeon in the gymnasium.

And when it was clear that his first
attempts to solve the problem had failed

he turned to his deputy and said,
and I made a note of his comments,

"get the cat, Gavin."

That is the sort of man you
have in charge of this centre.

This is the sort of man the county are relying
on to bring people into the world of sport.

Earlier this year, I sent out a questionnaire
to all centre managers in the south of england.

This man was the only one to answer
all three and a half thousand questions.

And I may add, staple an extra 25 typewritten
sheets where I'd asked for additional comments.

I was, as you will
readily understand,

impressed.

And I noticed some meticulous
attention to detail throughout the centre

from the receptionist with
her "how can I help you?"

In spite of her own problems.

To the standard of cleanliness.

You'd hardly know the
public had been in here at all.

And of course, most
important of all, as I always say,

the noticeboards.

Does he remind you of anyone?

And how nice it was to see from the forms I gave
out earlier that you, the team, agree with me.

We shouldn't have re-done those!

So often staff use these as an
excuse to abuse the management.

How refreshing to see phrases
like "we would miss him if he went."

"We wish him well."
"Sorry to see him go."

Well, one day he will go.

You can't expect high-fliers like
Gordon to stay in one place forever.

But happily, that
day is not yet.

-What about the numbers?
-Numbers? - Nobody comes here.

And you are? Julie.

Well... julie...

You'll probably learn
as you grow older,

as I myself have learnt,

that numbers aren't
everything in this game.

I remember in the days
when I ran my own centre

that we didn't always
have huge figures.

But we had something else.

Something far more important.

We had a dream,
Julie, a dream that...

You have to come, mr brittas.

What is it? It's the dog. Dog?

I brought it in to frighten the cat from the
ledge but it's got vertigo. It won't come down.

What are you talking
about, Colin? It's terrified.

It's doing it all down the wall.

Sounds like you have a problem, Gordon. I'm sorry,
Brian, excuse me, I better deal with this one.

You see, decisive. I wonder if I might join you,
Gordon, to throw a few ideas in the melting pot?

Not at all, bri. Glad to
have your advice. Good.

Has anyone considered
borrowing a goat?

Hello, darling. Oh, Gordon! I
see you're taking the barometer.

I-em, thought it might
be useful. You don't mind?

No, no. It was yours anyway.
I meant about me going away.

Of course not. A little holiday will do you the
world of good. Anything else you need? No. No.

You certainly seem prepared for all
eventualities. Got all your records. Yes...

I better be going, Gordon.

The children are with mother. They'll
send you a card. Now, drive carefully.

There's something special to me in this
car. Where? I'm talking about you, my love.

It's when one has a brush with the angel of
unemployment that one realises it. What happened today?

We had a visit. The
area inspector. Oh, god!

You've been given the... no. Nothing
happened. Nothing? Extraordinary.

There was I expecting the usual
bureaucrat interested in numbers,

but he wasn't like that. He
was a human being. Really?

Charming man. Anyway, I just wanted to say that's why
these last couple of weeks I may have been difficult.

Well, I... and I want to tell you that without
someone warm and encouraging to come home to

I don't think I
could've managed.

Something for the journey.

"The best of Neil sedaka today". I've marked
number two - "love will keep us together".

Come on, then, off you go.

Right.

Have a good time.

Squeal of brakes

♪ she swallowed the
spider to catch the fly...

♪ perhaps she'll die. ♪
Why didn't you tell me?

What? That an inspector was
being sent. I didn't want to upset you.

Upset me?! I thought you might worry
about having no home, going bankrupt.

But you were worried?

Yes. Yes, I was.

I'll tell you something, when they said an
inspector was coming I thought the dream was over.

You're all washed
up. But you never said.

You shouldn't have, you know.

What? Worried. You have a
way of surviving. Look at aldershot.

Aldershot! £3½ million worth of damage
and you get promotion and a bravery medal!

Someone had to dig them out.
We had a good team at aldershot.

Come on, Gordon.

What? I'm taking you upstairs. I
think it'll be good for both of us.

What about your holiday? If you want to avoid
the traffic... just don't say anything, Gordon!

Right.