The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 2, Episode 2 - Temple of the Body - full transcript

Inaudible

ready for the meeting? Yes.
Feeling better this morning?

Yes. Good.

You still haven't told him? No.
You gotta face up to it sometime.

This, maternity clothes - even he'll
notice soon. I want him in a good mood.

You're not the first unmarried
mother, Carole. He'll understand.

Let's catch him before
the meeting. Ok... Sorry.

So the reason I closed the
centre again this morning...

Carole, there's a place up here.

I wanted to talk about
the new timetable.

What about the old one?
It's the late-night session.



The difference is that male staff
won't be working with female staff.

A single woman will be
chaperoned by a married colleague.

Is there a reason for all this?

It's so no-one will work night-duty
with a person of the opposite sex.

Why not? Let me put it
in simple terms, Timothy.

The human body is a temple.

And once we corrupt that temple
by not giving it proper respect

we downgrade our purpose in
being here. Need I say more?

I think it might be an idea.

The function of this centre is to help
people maintain the temples of their bodies.

Some people have
used it for other purposes.

The centre or the temples? What?

He thinks the staff have used it
to worship in each other's temples.

You want to make sure that people
only worship in their own temples?



In a sense, yes.
Doesn't sound healthy.

Can we agree that no female will be
unaccompanied in the centre after dark?

All: Yes. Mr brittas?
Yes? What about me?

According to this, I'm still alone.
I wasn't including you in this.

No? Whatever hanky-panky's going
on will be with the attractive women.

Oh. Nothing for you to
worry about. Happy now?

Yes. Thank you, mr brittas.

You're quite sure hanky-panky
is going on, are you? Quite sure.

Yesterday evening
I went to a meeting.

Today when I got to my office
I found these down the sofa.

Can anyone tell me
who these belong to?

You could try them on. Pardon?

You could take them round everyone and see who they
fitted and whoever it was could marry the prince.

I think this is more serious
than some of you realise.

If this gets out and our centre
becomes known as a... knocking-shop.

Possibly, Colin, possibly.

We may lose our most
valuable customers - the families.

If families don't come, children
won't grow up attending the centre.

In 30 years we'd have no customers.
30 years? We'd better move fast (!)

We can do without that. And your
performance on Saturday didn't help.

What did she do? I
rescued a dog from a river.

With no clothes on.
It was a new dress.

It was boat-race Saturday.
All the reporters were there.

Headlines like this don't help.

I've had papers
ringing up all day.

I think mr brittas is right. What?
About separating us at night.

That's when things happen. At
night. Yes, well, thank you, Colin.

People get carried away.
Indeed... They talk just to be friendly.

They find they have a lot in
common. They get closer and closer.

Indeed... they have a few drinks
because it's her birthday, perhaps.

They stretch out on a
gym mat just to relax.

Before you know it, the court
says he's got to pay maintenance.

For example. Yes,
thank you, Colin.

What you do in your own
homes is your business,

but in the centre I insist on
moral integrity and family values.

Is that understood? Yes, mr
brittas. Good. Let's get back to work.

Now, Carole, Laura said you wanted to
talk to me about something. No, no, er...

I just wanted to say
how happy I am here.

That's the spirit,
Carole. Well done.

Have you got a moment, Julie?
Sure. Carole's got a bit of a problem.

My advice is tell brittas
you're pregnant another day.

It's not that. Carole was hoping you might
help her find out who its father is. Me?!

You mean you
don't know who it is?!

It happened on new year's Eve
at your party. The fancy dress?

About 10pm. She went up to where the coats were. I
wanted a rest. I turned the light off. And slept.

We don't have any beds since the
bailiffs came and my tiger costume was hot.

That's when it happened. While
you were asleep?! It was all my fault.

I'd dreamt I was a tiger trying
to save the tropical rainforests.

I woke up and gave this incredible
roar. That's when he came in.

He came in, it was dark, he roared
back... who? That's the awful bit.

This... wonderful man,
I've no idea who he is.

You must have noticed something. Didn't you
recognise the roar? No, no, I already asked that.

At the end he said, "Whoo!"

"Whoo"? Slapped her on the bottom,
said he'd see her downstairs, left.

I went downstairs. I waited
for hours. Nobody came.

It was that tiger suit. I should've
gone as a llama. It's all right.

If you could make a list of the men
at the party maybe she could find out.

Sure. Mind you, it's
not gonna be easy.

We had 30 gatecrashers
from the rugby club.

Mr brittas? What is it, Colin?
We've had another phone call.

I think you'll find the palace
of westminster is open. Eh?

Why do I ask the public to observe
standards of modesty when my staff forget

to button their flies. Sorry.

I had to put this rather large rhubarb
poultice on a boil. It's burst the zip.

Got a spare pair? Being washed.
Some of the juice leaked out...

You can't go round like that. You'll just have
to borrow a pair of mi... borrow a pair of Tim's.

Thank you, mr brittas. Your
wife's arrived. Thank you.

Tell her to go on up and
I'll join her as soon as I can.

Colin, what are you doing?
I'm holding it together, mr brittas.

Well, don't! Who's on the phone?
The press want to photo Julie.

What sort of photo? Preferably in her underwear coming
out of the pool or wetted d wn on the trampoline.

What sort of
world do we live in?

What sort of world is it that presumes a decent
young girl is going to allow herself to be...?

Goodness me, mr
brittas. What's all this for?

I knew something was going
on. And now I know who's doing it.

Your husband said
he'd be right up.

Is everything all
right? Yes, fine, Laura.

I thought I'd left a pair of... Gloves
down the settee but they're not there.

Coffee? No. I've just come to tell Gordon they've
changed our marriage guidance appointment to tomorrow.

First we'll move the furniture, then we can work out
where to drill the hole. Hello, darling. I just...

Laura, give Gordon a hand with
the table and I'll move the carpet.

Can I have a word? I'm a bit busy. Let Laura
take you for a doughnut and I'll join you.

Is something wrong?
Off you go, Laura.

All right, Colin. Plug in.

Right, that's the spot. Just about there,
Colin. Are you sure about this? Quite sure.

It's leisure centre property.

How else are we going to find
out who's using that love-nest?

You look through the hole.
Couldn't I watch downstairs?

And let someone come along and say, "excuse me, Colin,
we'd like to use the cupboard for immoral purposes"?

Drill the hole. I'll
clear the debris.

I just wondered if you went up to
the room where the coats were?

..You left yours in the
hall. Thank you, Jeremy.

I'll give Gavin his hat. You know
something about this hat, do you?

His name was coming off and he asked one of
the girls to sew it on. A quick word, if I may.

Could I speak to Chris? ..I've no
idea, I just know he's a prop-forward.

You say a girl sewed
the name on this hat, Tim?

Which girl was that?
Could've been anyone.

He doesn't have one girlfriend? No. More the type
to play the field? You think Gavin's chasing girls?!

The woman who had this hat did more for
Gavin than sew his name back on. You reckon?

What he does at home is his affair
but when he does it in my centre...

Doing it here! Sshh! No need to wash
our dirty linen in public. No. Good man.

Phone rings

how can I help...?

Carole, is that really the
way we greet the public?

How can we offer to help people
when being sick in a bucket? I'm...

I know what you are, Carole. Oh?

You're tired. That's what you
are. I can tell you're not 100%.

The best thing to do is go home, go to bed, stay
there till whatever is making you sick has gone away.

I don't know... go on. I insist.

What kind of employer would I be
if I let you stay and vomit all day?

Thank you. Oh, Carole?

Yes. Rinse the bucket out first.

What did he say? Well...

Drilling

what are you doing?! Sorry.
I'm looking for a cupboard.

What's happening?
There's no hole.

It's the changing-rooms. What?
I've got the girls' changing-rooms.

That's very odd.

Sorry, ladies. A simple
misunderstanding, I'm afraid.

It's surveillance.
Have a nice day.

Right, let's try a few feet along.
I'll check those plans again.

What did he say? He's
keeping us under surveillance.

Natalie, are you all right?

Someone's drilling a hole.

I'll get someone.
I'll get a broomstick.

Who does he
think he is? Pervert.

I think I see where we went
wrong. I've got the shower area now.

The shower area, precisely. These plans
have been reversed in the photocopier.

Give my apologies.
Is anyone there?

So Gavin's cupboard must
be under the flat-roof extension.

Wooo! We can't
drill through that.

Come on, Colin. We have
to think of something else.

It's going well then, is it? The
marriage guidance? Not so bad.

I turn up. We talk. They
give me the pills. Good.

It's sex tomorrow. Sorry?

What we're talking about tomorrow.
Oh. I'm not looking forward to it.

Gordon'll say the body is a temple.
He was talking about that today.

To you?! To the
whole staff. Why?

He thinks something's going on. He found... well,
he found some underwear down his office sofa.

Oh... Oh, god, Laura. I
don't know what to say.

It's none of my business. What must
you think? I shouldn't have done it.

But he just... remember Michael?

Yes. I thought that was off.

It was. I swore I'd
never see him again.

He came for a squash
game. Gordon was away.

Oh, god, I'm such a
fool. These things happen.

I swore I'd never see him again. Specially after
that disaster at Julie's party. Julie's party?

I wrote him this message saying I'd meet him in a
bedroom upstairs. Then I slipped it into his pocket.

He ignored it of course. He's
got more control than I have.

You gave him a note to meet you
upstairs? Yes, I know it was silly.

No, no. This note said to meet you
upstairs? Yes, but he never turned up.

I think he did. I think
I know who he met.

This won't take long.

What are you doing? I've put the
furniture back. Is that my office stapler?

I'm repairing my trousers. I tried to
borrow some but no-one had a spare pair.

Leave us. My others
are on the radiator.

Once they're dry I'll be able to get the worst off
with a wire brush. Just wait outside, will you? Right.

Now then, Linda, take a seat.
A delicate matter, I'm afraid.

Reme ber what I said
about moral integrity?

You mean about keeping our temples
to ourselves? That's right, Linda.

Tell me, has Gavin ever made a
pass at you? Gavin? Yes. Made a pass?

Yes. A hand on the knee, a suggestive
remark, asked you to join him? No.

You could be the next! Pardon?

I want you to do something for me. Find Gavin, sit
down with him and talk to him in a friendly way.

Be friendly. With Gavin? Yes.

Will you wear this instead of what
you're wearing? I don't understand.

Leave the thinking to me.

'Aldershot'? We're trying out a
new logo. Just the style we're after.

No, not in front of me. Use Julie's
office. Tell me when you're ready. Yes.

He wants me to wear
this. Why? Don't know.

Planning prayers in your temple?

He said he wants me
to be friendly to Gavin.

I'm ready, mr brittas. 'Right,
Linda, count up to twenty.'

what? 'You know,
one, two, three.'

one, two, three...
'That's perfect, Linda.'

Colin, were you
here all the time?

Yes. But Linda was
getting changed. I know.

You'd better come
in. Off you go, Linda.

Do you know what
I was doing? No!

I was bugging Linda. Were
you? You were very quick.

I have planted a bug on her,
Colin. It's sewn into that t-shirt. Oh.

It's a ruse I used successfully in aldershot
to root out sexism in the badminton team.

Anything she says, or anything said by any evil-minded
young degenerate to inveigle her into his love-nest

will be heard and
recorded as evidence. I see.

Phone rings get that. Hello?

She's in the ladies
talking to Gillian.

It's the press again, mr brittas.
Two reporters want to talk to you.

Tell them to wait.
Right, mr brittas.

Good grief! The things
women talk about!

Hello, Gavin. Oh... Hi.

Something wrong?
You seen Tim? Why?

I asked him if he fancied
anything special for supper tonight

and he said, "why not
ask your girlfriend?"

He's been horrid to
me all day. Oh, Gavin.

Tim! No, no, don't
worry about me.

Carry on enjoying yourself!

Tim, please... you see?

I don't know what I've done.
Don't worry. I'm your friend.

Oh, I know. Thanks, Linda.
Gavin, you can't do that!

'I can't help it. I
feel wound-up.'

no, Gavin. Well, go
on. I'd like to try it...

Ah! Here we go!

'It's not illegal, you know.
What if mr brittas catches us?

'I've got a place. Come on. I'll
show you.' Got you, sunshine!

Mr brittas... not
now. I told you.

We wanted his secretary. Just
a quick word. And a photograph.

Good publicity. I'll ask her.

Julie! Some reporters want
a word. I'll get some coffee.

You rang about a photograph?
That's right. Nothing elaborate.

Ok. What sort of
shot would you like?

You might like me
naked behind my desk

with a caption "Julie the
topless type." That's very good.

I'll take my clothes off now.
Right. Tell us when you're ready.

There is a chance
I'm only joking.

When you come in I may
not have taken my clothes off.

I might be behind the door waiting to drop a filing
cabinet on you. It's a risk you have to take.

We'll call it a day. Going?
What about your coffee?

Miss Porter was a little bashful.
We've a lot on this afternoon.

It's probably just as well. Mr
brittas worries about publicity.

He's worried this place might get
a reputation as a knocking-shop.

-Does he?
-Yes, I drilled the spy-holes.

I think we'll have
the coffee. Certainly.

All right, you two, that's enough!
I warned you this morning...

Carole! Hello, mr brittas.

The girls' changing-room! That wasn't what
he wanted. He wanted one over the showers.

Oh, yes! Can you get a
picture of these with a fisheye?

He wanted the love-nest?
That's why he bugged Linda.

I think that's what he said.

He wanted to listen to her and
Gavin doing it on his tape recorder.

Heavy breathing

'can't beat a
cigarette, can you?'

I think we've missed that one.

You live here?! Yes. Why didn't you say they'd repossessed
your house? I thought this place was used as...

Look at the book, the nightie.
Why d'you need a nightie like that?

Mr Wilson gave it to me. Mr
Wilson from the building society?

I usually wear a pullover.

What have you
done with the baby?

You haven't left him in that drawer
in reception, have you, Carole? No.

Oh, my god!

He likes the drawer, mr brittas.
He's sort of used to it now.

You can't leave
him there. I know.

What if the place caught fire and you were both
burnt to death? As manager, I'd be responsible.

It was selfish of me, I know, but
it was so warm above the boiler.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was afraid. Afraid of what?

I thought you'd throw me out. Throw
you out? What do you think I am?

Sorry, mr brittas. Of
course I'd throw you out.

You can't live in a cupboard. If I'd known, I'd
have helped. Not leave you on the street. No?

I'd lend you some money. I'd find you a
flat. You could even stay in my garage.

All you had to do was tell
me. I'm sorry, mr brittas.

Blow your nose, cover yourself up and we'll get
back to my office and sort something out, all right?

I sometimes feel I'm a
bit of a burden to you.

Carole, Carole. But I am, aren't I?
You're not a burden to me, Carole.

When you joined, you stopped
being a burden. You're part of a team.

Remember what I said about
being a team? Yes, mr brittas.

A family caring for each other.
People helping people with problems.

Those aren't just words.
It's what I believe in here.

Helping people. The community
caring for its lesser brethren.

You're a very kind man, mr
brittas. Not really, Carole, no.

I've always wanted to help
people ever since I was a little boy.

I wanted people to be as happy
as I was. I've always had this dream.

He's cancelled the appointment.

Why? He said there's not much point in marriage guidance
when one person wasn't committed. He'd read that.

Didn't you tell him it was all a misunderstanding?
I did try. He told me I was too naive.

But I wouldn't do anything like
that. Not with Carole anyway.

You are the only one I'm interested
in, Helen, you know that. I do.

Why do people jump to conclusions
just because of a photograph?

Shall we go home now?

I don't think we missed
much anyway, do you?

When? Today's session.

Sex. There's not much he
could have taught us in there.

No? You're too
modest, my darling.

I always say, "there's animal in all of
us, but more than most in my Helen."

You don't, do you?
Remember new year's Eve?

What? Julie's party. I always knew you
were a passionate creature, but... Whoo!

What are you talking
about, Gordon? The tiger suit.

Our little assignation upstairs.

The little note you sneaked
into my blazer pocket. Oh, god.

Do you know the most exciting thing about it?
You never said a word, not during, not since.

It was our little secret. Just
one of those magical moments.

Grrrr!