The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 2, Episode 1 - Back from the Dead - full transcript

Phone rings

leisure centre. Hello.

A booking?! Eh, yes! Yes!

Yes, mr brittas is
away until next Monday.

Forty people for a badminton
tournament? Em, this Friday...

Yes... yes! We look forward
to seeing you. Ok. Bye.

We've got a booking!
Really?! Phone rings

leisure centre. Yes, until Monday. He's
on a management course in Bulgaria.

The swimming-pool for a children's
party?! This week... How about Saturday?

I told you - word's
getting round!

Water splashing
'morning, Carole.



It's ok. It's only me. Is Laura
upstairs? Yes, I think so.

No, he's away. Can I help
you? I'll just see if it's free.

Saturday morning? No. Eh,
no. I can do the afternoon though.

Right. I'll book it. Bye. That's a
definite for Wednesday? All right.

Mrs brittas! Sorry
to interrupt, Laura.

It's rather serious
news. Phone rings

bit of a rush on. Mr brittas will be
really pleased when he gets back.

I'm afraid not. Sorry? He won't be back. That's
what I came to tell you. One moment, please. Really?

He's dead. I thought
he was in Bulgaria!

Yes. He's dead in Bulgaria.

That's awful! Come and sit down.
Julie, mrs brittas might like a cup of tea.

I'd prefer coffee,
actually. Coffee. Right.

And, eh, I know I shouldn't,
but... Perhaps a doughnut?

I just can't believe
it. It's terrible.



Mine's all right. Oh! Yes, Gordon. Sorry. Yes, ghastly,
isn't it? This was yesterday? Just after lunch.

Why was he in a car factory? Don't think it matters
in Bulgaria. They show everyone the car factory.

..A heart attack? No, he fell over
a safety fence into a steel press.

He was flattened?!
More sort of curved, really.

They were making the wing of a
skoda. Terrible job identifying him.

They'd already punched
out the hole for the headlamp.

So, how...? Luckily, his hand was
sticking out and it still had his ring on.

The foreign office gave me it back.
It is his. I recognise the misprint.

"Climb every mountain.
Fork every stream."

How could he fall over a safety
fence? Are they sure it was an accident?

What? Oh, I see what you mean.
But, no, I think it honestly was.

He'd had a lot of the
local Brandy at lunch.

Dawn was very sweet
about it. Who? My youngest.

Asked if they'd have to make a very wide, thin
coffin. Children say the funniest things, don't they?

Anyway, that's the situation.

They've put me in charge, with Colin as my
deputy, until a new manager is appointed.

Baby cries Carole,
is that Ben? Sorry.

Bring him in! But mr brittas...

I don't think anyone minds. All:
No! Thank you! Thank you, Laura!

I know it's been a long
day, but... Yes, Gavin?

Is it possible to,
eh, see the body?

I shouldn't think
so. But he is dead?

They've tested him with a
mirror for breathing? I don't know.

-Were any vital organs donated?
-There weren't any left. He was crushed in a press.

All of him? Except one hand. Oh.
Anything else? No, no. That sounds fine.

Colin's got news about the funeral.
Mrs brittas has gone for Wednesday

because of the children's
piano lessons. It's at 2.30.

The party afterwards is in the pub
opposite the crematorium. If that's all...

One thing. Can I swop hall duty with Linda on
Tuesdays and Thursdays? Linda? That's fine.

Ok, make a note of that, Julie.
Anybody else like to make changes?

Nice for him to get some daylight.
His colour's improved already. Hasn't it?!

And it's so much better for
him being out of the drawer.

Yes? It's about a
game of squash. Right.

My partner hasn't been here before. He's got the
two references, but not the doctor's certificate.

No, that's ok. Court 2 is free.

-Oh?! Then just a booking slip and an application form.
-No, there's no need. Not any more.

-How long?
-Isn't it only 20 minutes? - No!

Well, em, half-an-hour then?

The man who used
to... The manager...

He's dead! In Bulgaria.

You sure? I've to fax through a copy
of the certificate. He's dead all right!

May I make a few
phone-calls? Of course.

Blows whistle

Ģ junior ticket for the pool.
Just one? Yes, thank you.

Excuse me. Excuse me, please.

Excuse me. Carole,
any mail for me?

Yes, of course. I'll just...
Aaaah! She's serving me actually!

Yes, serve the lady first, and remember
"how can I help you?" And a smile.

Ho...? How...?

All right, everyone! Don't panic! Carole! I'm the
manager. If you'd just like to let me through.

Excuse me. Thank you very
much. Carole... Carole, waken up.

Excuse me. Right now, madame,
the welfare of my staff has priority.

Hello, brittas here. If anyone's there just now,
could they come to reception and help me. Hello?

'Can anyone hear
me? Is anyone there?'

mr brittas, is that you? 'If anyone is there,
could they please come to the intercom?'

mr brittas, it's Colin.
Ca-a-a-n you hear me-e-e?

Colin! At last! 'Where
a-a-are you, mr brittas?'

I'm in reception. A slight
emergency. Can you help?

'Reception?!' I have
Carole's body out here.

You've got Carole's body?!

Yes, it's just collapsed on me. If
you could just come and help me.

I'd better put some clothes on
first, mr brittas. 'Well, hurry up then.'

right, let's get her on a chair.

Colin? Aaah!

You ok, Colin? Tim! You look as if you've seen
a ghost. You won't believe what's just happened!

Thank you. Ok, we take her head
and push it down between her knees...

Excuse me. I'll get your ticket...
No, I want my money back. Pardon?!

I gave your receptionist a £10 note
before she fainted. She's not got it now.

Maybe it fell down her... Cleavage. What?! She saw you
and went, "ah!" And I think it fell down her front.

I can't see anything. It might've fallen
further down. It's all the money I've got!

It's my bus fare! I need it to get home!
All right, all right! I'll have a look.

It's ok, Carole, just looking for
something. Look, I'll give you the money,

and I'll take it off
her wages. Ok?

Carole. Feeling any better? How
can I help you? With a smile. Good.

I'll take over. You go and lie down. How can I
help you? And tell Colin to hurry up. With a smile.

I'm not actually supposed to be here till tomorrow,
but duty calls! Madame? Junior ticket for the pool.

But he's dead, Colin. I mean, we burnt him!
Exactly. That's why he's had to take over her body!

Whose body? Carole's, but it keeps collapsing on
him. She's probably resisting him in some way.

Mr brittas? Aaaah! Yes?

It's wonderful to have
you back, mr brittas.

How can I help you?

Madame, it's not as simple as that. Would that
it were! If your son isn't a junior dolphin,

he can't go in unaccompanied. However, joining
doesn't cost any money. You just fill in a form.

So, name and address, parents' national insurance
number, standard of swimming on a scale of 1 to 10 -

or as we say, shrimp
to killer whale. 2 photos -

the station machine's very useful - and some
identification, like a library card, a savings book...

Yesterday they said he could just walk in! Oh, he
can - as long as he remembers his membership card.

Now, here are the rules for
the centre and for the pool itself.

I draw your attention particularly to this section
on foot hygiene. Next. How can I help you, sir?

Laura, could you come
down to reception?

Thanks.

You're sure you saw
him? Yes, I swear it.

He came towards me through
the crowd, getting nearer...

And nearer... Then everything went
black. Oh, Colin, what's happening to me?!

I think he's left the spiritual plane and wants a
vehicle so that he can re-enter our physical world.

Vehicle? You mean Carole? No,
obviously her body didn't suit him.

Remember - he always liked physical
fitness. So whose body will he take?

Have you ever read any Dennis wheatley? They
usually go for children. They're the easiest.

My baby! Oh, god! He's
going to take my baby!

Don't know who told you that! The rules for
squash are clear - 20 minutes per booking!

Baby cries Laura, thank
goodness! Mr brittas?

I was beginning to think all the staff around
here had died. No. No, we're fine, mr brittas.

How are you? First things first. Can you do something
about this. It is Carole's? Yes, where is she?

She had one of her turns. Honestly, it's been
bedlam ever since I got back. No receptionist,

unbelievable queues, screaming baby! I asked Colin
3 times to take over but he's never turned up.

Why's Gavin staring
at me? Sorry, mr brittas.

Can you take Ben? This man wants to
borrow a racket but there's no loan book!

What's going on
around here, Laura?

You've got to talk to him, plead
with him not to do it! But he's dead!

Try the intercom. That's how
Colin did it. I just pushed the button.

Upstairs? The loan book won't do much good upstairs.
Could you go and get it, please? And Gavin...

Yes? I see some people are spending nearly an hour on
the squash court. Just tell them to leave, will you?

Politely, of course, or they won't come
back again. Ok? ..Yes. Yes, squire?

I wonder if I could... Carole on
intercom: 'Is anybody out there?'

what is it, Carole?
'Mr brittas!'

I'm already dealing with about five things at once,
so tell me what it is. 'You've got my baby!' Yes...

Take my body,
please, mr brittas!

I don't want your body! I'm a bit beyond these things
at the moment, thanks very much. Where's my baby?!

Your baby... I've no idea exactly where
he is, but I can assure you he's all right.

Would you or Colin please get out here? Honestly,
that woman! Now... I'd like some change for the phone.

Unfortunately, that isn't
possible for three main reasons.

Firstly, it means opening the till with nothing
registering on the roll. Our auditors don't like that.

Secondly, we start each day with a specially
calculated cash flow and we can't upset the balance,

and thirdly, it's far too
time-consuming. All right?

The loan book. For you, mr brittas.
Thank you. That's the last of them.

Could we talk? Of course!
We'll go to my office.

Ah-ah... presents for the family. Nothing expensive,
but as you'll realise one day yourself, Laura,

it's important that they know they weren't forgotten.
Have you seen your wife yet? No, it's a surprise.

Dead?! They were very definite. You
thought I was dead? We even had a funeral.

On Wednesday. Linda
did the flowers. Dead?!

We even had this made. "Gordon brittas,
crushed to death, Bulgaria, June 1991.

"Erected in
gratitude by his staff."

If you're not dead, mr
brittas, what happened?

If you must know, I spent the last
8 days locked in a chicken hutch.

Why? I haven't the faintest idea, Laura. It was my
first day and I was just going down to the manager

to complain about the size of the towels - among
other things - when a bag was thrown over my head.

Before I know it, I'm undressed and
up to my neck in feathers. Good lord.

8 days! They took my clothes, my wallet,
the ring I bought for my 21st. The ring...

I'm no moaner,
but it wasn't easy.

Nothing to eat but raw eggs and corn. Sharing
a water-dropper with 38 Bulgarian bantams.

If I ever find the man who did it, I'll flatten
him! I rather think somebody already has! Of course!

They've squashed the wrong man! What?!
It was the man who took your clothes! Eh?

They said you were crushed in a steel
press. Well, they told your wife that.

Helen thinks I'm dead?! Yes! That's why she had
the funeral. God! She must've been through hell!

I'll go and give her the good
news! Shall I ring her? No, I'll do it.

Could be quite a shock for
her if it's not done properly.

Phone Helen!

Was there any mail for me? No!
Everyone thought you were dead!

Right.

He doesn't know, does he?

Carole... Carole... Hang on.

This sometimes works.

Ah! What's happening?!
Where am I?!

Ben! What are they
doing to you?! Ben!

Phone ringing

glass breaking

my baby!

Ben! Ben! Ben!

Brittas! Hang on, Carole! Don't
try and stop me! No! No, I'm not!

It's just... here. It's
garlic. You never know.

Ben! Ben!

That's the Bulgarians for you!

Not even a decent carrier bag!

My baby!

You devil-monster!

Mr brittas? Colin, the very man! Clear that lot
up, will you? You're alive! Laura just told me!

Well done, Colin. That's the spirit. Mr
brittas, I came to warn you. It's all my fault!

She's upset 'cos I said you were a disembodied
spirit! Hold it, Colin! Now, who's upset?

Carole. 'Cos you were dead. She's very upset. I'm
not surprised. But she thinks you've got her baby!

Colin, I've got to get home. You have
a quiet word with her. All right? Bye.

Toot! Toot!

Carole! What are you doing!

She thinks you've got her baby in
the back! What?! The baby! In the back!

That's not a baby!

It's just a doll!

See! It's just a doll!

My baby...!

It's a doll! Look! Right!

How long's he going
to be? Sorry, mr brittas?

Some sort of problem, is there? No, mr brittas. Colin's
just gone for the wire-cutters. He won't be long.

You won't put it
on my cv, will you?

I thought you were a zombie, stealing
my child's body to get perpetual youth!

Just go and lie down, will
you, Carole? Yes, mr brittas.

Eh, while we've got a moment, mr brittas, perhaps
this is a good time to say, on behalf of everyone,

how glad we are
you're alive and...

Back with us. Hear,
hear! Yes, hear, hear!

I've got the
cutters, mr brittas.

Aaaah! Mind your fingers!

Linda.

Did you get hold of mrs brittas?
I've been trying, but it's engaged.

And we also need wine glasses.
How many wine glasses, mrs brittas?

A hundred and fifty. A hundred and
fifty. Same address as the marquee, yes.

You look wonderful, mrs brittas!

It's not a bit over the top? Not
at all! He's a very lucky man!

Then there's the food, wine,
chairs, tables... And the children?

Phone rings Nora's
taking them to the church.

Is there anything I've forgotten?
Hello, darling! I'm home!

It's all right, darling! The
nightmare's over! I'm back!

You're getting married? Well, not now,
obviously! I've only been gone a week. 8 days!

I can't believe this. Gordon, you were
dead. We cremated you on Wednesday.

Your ashes are scattered
over the long jump pit!

Who to? What? This chap you
were marrying. Do I know him?

Don't think so. I only met him
on Wednesday. Wednesday?

At the crematorium. Michael was a bit early for his...
And we were a bit late for yours. Got talking...

You met him on Wednesday and
you're marrying him?! You always said...

A widow for 3 days! What did I always
say? That I shouldn't live in the past,

that if you died,
I should remarry.

I expected it to take longer than 3 days! You
said the children ought to have a father-figure.

Doorbell that'll be the Rolls-Royce.
I'd better go and tell him.

Wednesday...!

I'm sorry, we don't need you
any more. Sorry for all the trouble.

Thank you for coming. Bye.

Who chose the hymns? What?

For the memorial service. Who
chose this one, "if I had a hammer"?

I think that was the children. We
needed one they knew and could join in on.

Otherwise, all good stuff. "God
moves in a mysterious way".

"Now thank we all our god".

Many people turn up
for this thing, did they?

About twelve hundred,
I think. As many as that!

They even had to broadcast it on
loudspeakers to the people outside.

But why? I'm just a
manager of a leisure centre.

Laura put in the paper that anyone wanting
to say a final good-bye should come along

..and a lot of people did. They erected a
memorial at the centre. Rather touching. Did they?

Shame to take it down really. We could hang
it in the hall - be a bit of a talking point.

I'm sorry, darling. What?

If I seemed somewhat tetchy, I suppose I was
just a little upset at the speed of it all.

But I should've known, eh? What?

Who but my little Helen, after a week
of my death, could sacrifice herself

to someone she hardly knew, just for the sake of
the children? Uh... You never cease to amaze me.

Will he be very disappointed? Who?
This Michael. I think he will a bit, yes.

He's not still expecting you to turn up? I hadn't
thought. Better ring up, put him out of his misery.

Yes. Give him a big
thank you from me. What?

I admire anyone prepared to leap into the breach
like that. Tell him I'll buy him a pint. Shhh.

Michael? Yes, it's me! Oh, you've heard,
have you? Yes, it is rather, isn't it?

No, not even injured. Nothing
wrong with him at all. What?

I think he wants to buy
you a pint sometime!