The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 1, Episode 6 - Assassin - full transcript

You're doing it
again, Gordon. Sorry?

With your fingers, on the table. I'm a bit distracted
at the moment. These figures are a bit puzzling.

The leisure centre is designed to take up to 2,000
people a day. Know how many we had this weekend?

Please stop doing that, Gordon!

Forty-three.

Gordon!! Sorry, darling. Was I?

It cost nearly £2,750,000. If only forty-three
people use it, someone is doing something wrong.

I wish I could put
my finger on it.

Shouldn't we be going?

I'll go over this with my
heads of department.

I read about a woman who murdered
her husband for clicking his teeth. Really?



He did it every meal-time for thirty years, until one
morning she dropped a marble pastry-board on his head.

Then she casseroled
him in the aga.

Just for clicking his teeth, eh?

Apparently. Going to be long?
What? I'm using the car after you.

Right. Well, I think I'm ready.
Briefcase, keys, wallet. Let's go.

Oh! What is it. Shan't be a
minute. Just got to clean my shoes.

Do you want yours? What?
Umbrella? No, thank you!

They did say, "occasional
showers". I'll risk it!

I'll get it anyway, just in
case you change your mind.

He drums fingers it's strange, murdering
someone cos they click their teeth. Is it?

Although it's often the little things
that get under your skin. Yes. Yes, it is.

Still, never mind.
Let's go, go, go!

These brakes feel a bit spongy.

When you use it, darling,
press harder on the pedal.



My wife's been involved in a
car accident and I just wondered...

Did she say anything
about the car?

No, of course. Very painful, yes.
Perhaps you could ask her about it.

Well, it's had a re-spray
recently. I'm a bit worried about it.

Right, thanks. Bye.

Doctors! No time for anything!

Right, where were we?
Your graph, mr brittas.

If we're agreed that attendance
has been a little disappointing,

we should take steps
before this becomes a trend.

Atchooo!!

It's the pollen count. Anything
over 105, I generate extra nasal fluid.

I want this centre to be the hub of the community,
bustling with life and activity. How many in today?

Seven. Seven. Four of those were
trapped in the lift from yesterday.

Well, if this is the situation, I think I'm entitled
to turn to my heads of department and say, "why?"

Well... I think it's two reasons. It's partly the
fault of the public and partly the fault of our staff.

Biscuit, Laura? Er, no.

The first problem is, do
the public know we're here?

There's a big sign outside. And aa
signs all the way from the bypass.

I'm thinking of the way we
persuade people to use the facilities.

So I've come up with
these special offers.

Tissue, Colin?

No, thank you, mr brittas.

I promised myself that I'd only use
unbleached, recycled paper. I see.

Unfortunately they'd run out this
morning and I'm down to my last one.

Anyway... which I think is what's
been giving me this cold sore.

Anyway, my intention is to
display these around the centre.

I simply wondered what you
thought of them. All criticism welcome.

Well... yes, Laura?

I wonder if they're
a bit complicated.

Complicated? Yes.

Not quite with you. Well...

"Anyone not in full-time education who uses the pool
for more than 3 but less than 5 weekday sessions

"is entitled to a third off the
price of any weekend session."

Seems tempting to me. Yes, but
not as snappy as 2 for the price of 1.

We cannot afford to give
two tickets for the price of one.

If we have seven people,
and they go half-price... ok.

I've been thinking. If people aren't
coming in, how will they see the notices?

Perhaps you'd like to
pour us some coffee? Right.

The flip side of the coin is what happens to customers
once they come in, and how our staff treat them.

They do their best. Possibly. Do you know
the health and fitness club in icarus road?

The place with the purple door?

Right. I walked past it the
other day and it was packed.

Yes, but... Mostly businessmen,
too, paying £75 an hour, with extras.

It's not going to be easy
to compete with the extras.

Let's find out what those extras are,
and provide them better and more often.

Our staff won't...
That's the problem!

We need some sort of incentive to make our staff
more courteous and thoughtful, which is why...

Thank you, Colin. What I've
decided to do is present this...

A cup? That's right. "Whitbury new town
leisure centre staff courtesy challenge cup."

I'll present it to someone each week, and
they get to take it home. Will they want to?

Yes! Put it on the mantelpiece and tell the
neighbours, "that's the courtesy cup I won at work."

It's a nice thing to
able to say. Uh-huh(!)

They can't keep it permanently,
but they can win it the next week.

Like your star system.
What? The punctuality trophy.

It's not like that at all. Stars are awarded for
efficiency. The punctuality trophy is a shield.

This is a cup. Yes, I see.

Give me the name of
someone who's been helpful,

and a rough outline of the
reason in no more than 500 words.

On mondays I'll tell everyone what
he or she did and make the award.

Ok? Yes, mr brittas(!)

I think it's a way of rewarding
good work and encouraging others.

Are you all right, Laura?

It's not awfully good coffee.

Mine's got bits floating in it.

Brittas whistles

Mr brittas! Angie. Your wife's back from
hospital. She's waiting in your office.

Marvellous! I'll finish putting
these up and I'll be right down.

What is that?

What? Spangles wrapper.
We're knee-deep in sweet papers.

There's a bit of string there, too.
Oh, it gets worse and worse, Angie.

Fancy leaving that lying around!
It could have killed someone.

This is just the kind of
thing I'm trying to avoid.

How can we improve attendance if
we send people headlong down stairs?

There you are! How's the car?

I had an X-ray. They say
it's only a simple break.

Just a break, eh?
That's good news.

The car will be ready on
Thursday. Not till Thursday?

The brakes were gone.
That'll teach me to buy British!

We shall walk home. The
brake fluid pipes were cut.

Cut? Deliberately.
With a hacksaw.

They thought
someone was... Exactly.

That's ludicrous!
Is it? Of course!

Who'd want to murder you, eh?

How can I be pregnant again, doctor?
I only had the baby six weeks ago.

I thought if I was breast-feeding
I didn't have to use any.

Everything all right,
Carole? Yes, fine.

Can I bring in another specimen?

Why not go to the tennis club? This is new,
and half the price. I know, but there's a snag.

Morning, gentlemen.

Which court would you like?

What did I tell you? This one.

£5 says we never get to
play. What's going to stop us?

Excuse me, gentlemen. In
for a game of tennis, are we?

Yes. You may be
interested in these.

"Calling sportsmen and women..."

A deal with wilde's sports shop.

Present a ticket to say you've
used this centre within the last 3 days,

and they'll give you a 7½% discount
on any goods you purchase there.

Great, thanks.
It's our job to help.

Oh, there is just one thing...

The offer only lasts this week,
because the shop is closing down.

If you wish to avail yourselves,
do so this week. Thanks.

We'll have a two-hour session.

Is this the thirtieth?
Sorry? The thirtieth.

Yes. They're closing the precinct to do some
repaving tomorrow, so the offer only stands today.

Fine. Oh, and today's
Thursday, isn't it?

It's half-day closing.
It's eleven-thirty now.

You've got about half an hour.

We'll manage. Forget the game.

You pop down
there, get a discount.

Pair of track-shoes for you...
And a new cardigan for you.

We'll keep the ticket
until... No, you'll need it.

I'll write on it. This, Carole, allows the gentlemen
back any time for the duration of their game.

Take these, pop down, get your
discount, come back, play the game.

Is your name brittas?
Gordon brittas, manager.

I hope you find a few bargains.

Your fiver...

Back to the club. It's never
more than a 3-hour wait!

Hello. Can I speak to mr
Wilson? It is rather important.

On his honeymoon?

No, I didn't know he
was getting married.

Yes, it is wonderful
news, isn't it(?)

I'm sorry. I tried to persuade him
but he says the idea is ridiculous.

Maybe the brake
pipes were an accident.

So mr brittas thinks. He asked
the garage if it was a squirrel.

What did they say? If it was, it
was a squirrel with a hacksaw.

Is there anyone in your
neighbourhood who he's upset?

Where shall I start?
Look how I feel.

He can't believe anyone could
dislike him, let alone... exactly.

Why kill someone who's always
tried to do the right thing? So he said.

Seen him on a zebra
crossing? Sorry?

He steps out and starts walking.

He's in the right. Never mind the driver.
Being in the right is what matters. I see.

It'll be the death of him one day. The cars won't
stop. I'll cradle him in my arms, mopping the blood up.

Do you know what
he's going to say?

"Don't worry, darling.
It was my right of way."

I don't believe it! What does he
think he's doing? It's not that bad.

I just say you did a good
deed. No, absolutely not.

We all have to take a turn.

Damian got best turned out tankard twice.
Linda and Patrick have both been best citizen.

You've won nothing
since the punctuality shield.

Colin, somebody's been messing
around with my stars! What?

Well, I only had
six this morning.

Those are for rescuing that little girl who
swam out of her depth. I only got one for that.

It was green. They're
worth two yellows or ten red.

I'm sorry, I'm not having it.

Does it really matter? Matter?! Whoever wins this
thing has dinner with brittas at the berni inn.

Of course it matters!
I know how you feel.

It's not fair. Some of the others haven't
got any stars at all. Look at them... Tony...

Tony had two stars yesterday. He's peeled
them off! He lost those for being late.

He always weasels out of it. Well, he can
have a couple of mine for starters. Gavin!

If mr brittas catches you...

If I could have your
attention, please, everyone.

You may have seen these
notices I've been displaying.

Well, people have got to come
into the centre so they can read them.

There's 200 for you,
Tim... 200 for Colin...

You want me to deliver all those? Not all of them.
Keep one back to put in your own front window.

People will see the headline -

"calling all sportsmen and women." They'll
wonder what that intriguing notice is.

They'll say, "the
leisure centre!

"They're offering 4% off any ticket
bought before 9am by a pensioner."

See the way it works? Right,
everyone. Help yourselves, please.

Gavin, could I have
a word, please?

What were you
doing when I came in?

What? With the notice board.
Nothing. I think you were.

I wasn't. Honest. It's
all right. I know. I didn't!

You were at this notice board and thought, "Tony's
got no stars and little chance of getting any."

You thought, "I'm storming into the lead." So you
decided to boost his morale with some of your stars.

Mr brittas... that's the generosity I
want to encourage. Tell you what.

We'll let Tony keep those two
stars but at no cost to yourself.

What? In fact, I'll
give you two more.

Just to show that selflessness
doesn't go unrewarded.

Ooooh...! Well done, Gavin.

I must be off to my game of squash.
Can anyone lend me a comb? Here.

Thank you, Colin. You don't get
dandruff, do you? Never in my life.

I used to get it really badly. It turned into
seborrhoea, which is where great, flaky chunks drop out.

Thank you, Colin. Right. Shall
I get changed for the game?

I've been challenged by an anonymous member
of the public. "To the death," the note said.

Coughing and spluttering

Larry! What are you doing here?

Gavin, do something for me. Yes?

Tell mr brittas there's somebody
on the roof contemplating suicide.

There's someone on the
roof? There soon will be.

Brittas will want
to help. I know.

He'll try and talk them
down. They'll jump.

Who is it, anyway? It's me. You?
You're going to jump? Uh-huh.

Larry, why? The choir at st
Mary's took 20 years to build up.

What? We used
to travel, win prizes.

Brittas came along, calling everyone
by their first name, helping them.

We only had three people
at choir practice last night.

It was then I
decided. He has to die.

You what? Seems
the only sensible thing.

You're going to kill brittas? Uh-huh.
Not for myself. For the sake of the parish.

Look, Larry... I don't
know what to say.

Don't you think you need a little
help? That's why I came to you.

No, that's not quite what I meant. Look, Gavin,
just get him up on the roof... And I'll do the rest.

Larry! Oh, god!

Tim, Larry whittaker says
he's going to kill brittas.

I like Larry. Does
he need any help?

I've to lure brittas onto the
roof so he can murder him.

I suppose he's gonna throw him
off. Well, have you warned brittas?

Not yet. Do you think I should?

You have to. Yes, of course.

I'll go with you. Well, come on.

Yes. Yes, I'm sure you're right.

Knock at door

come in! Could we have a word?

Tim, Gavin, good. Tim, fly down
to the squash courts for me. Sorry?

I left my racquet in court 3. You want
me to fetch it?! If you wouldn't mind.

Mr brittas... let me hop in
while young Tim is away... what?

My racquet is actually safe
here in my cupboard. Mr brittas...

I want a discreet
word about Tim.

What about Tim? Now, you're a
good friend of Tim, aren't you? Yes.

I'm getting slightly concerned that
he might be somewhat... you know?

Somewhat what? I'm worried
that he might be a bit of a left-footer.

You think he's a homosexual?

I wouldn't put it that strongly!

Then what do you mean? I'm a
broad-minded bloke, as you know.

But Joe public can
get anxious about it.

I want you to keep an eye out,
if you get my drift. No, I don't.

Just keep an eye out, particularly
in the changing-rooms and showers,

and tell me if... If anything.

All in complete confidence. We don't want Tim to
know about it. On the other hand we don't want...

Linda said you took
it with you! Thanks.

It's in your cupboard. Is it? Silly me! ..Gavin,
I'll bear that in mind about the vending machine.

What? Have you something to say?

There's a suicide
case on the roof.

What? He's gonna
jump in 5 minutes.

Get Laura to close off the area and get
Colin to lay out gym mats, just in case.

I'll talk him down.
The police...

It's ok. I'm a
trained samaritan.

I presume it can wait?
Well... Yes, that's fine.

Are you sure? It can wait.
Right, onwards and upwards.

Hello? ..Ah!

There you are, Larry.
You can't stop me.

No, no. I'm not here to
stop you doing anything.

I thought I'd take
some fresh air.

Is that all right? I suppose so.

I come up here quite often
myself to think things over.

Mind if I join you?

Oh, not at all. Why don't
you... Come and sit down.

Let's put a few
cards on the table.

You've heard, haven't you? What?

I'm not a quitter. I think you know that. But if
you hear me out, you'll know why I have to resign.

What? From the choir.

You're going to resign?
It's a question of priorities.

This place needs my full energies. This is my
parish, where my ministry must spread from.

You're leaving the
choir? I have a dream.

When? Well, I'd just finished writing my letter
of resignation when I heard you were up here.

You've put it in writing? God
knows I don't like letting people down.

Can I see it? I just didn't know
how much this meant to you.

I'd have told you... the letter!

Are you sure you can
take this? Quite sure.

As it happens, I've
got it in my anorak here.

Must be in the other side. Could
you move up a bit? Of course.

Are you ok, Larry?

Look, all right,
I'll tear it up.

See? I'm tearing it up now.

Larry?

Mrs brittas... Laura,
what are you doing here?

The late shift decided to club together and get
him some flowers. How sweet of you! Thank you.

We wanted to do something.

Does anyone know why he jumped?

I thought there must be a mistake. He's
over there. This isn't the suicice case?

I'm afraid not. This is Gordon.
Mr brittas? Didn't you hear?

He was walking home and
got run over by a treacle lorry.

That was him? Yes.
I saw it on the news.

I didn't recognise him in all
that treacle. What happened?

He got run over
on a zebra crossing.

The driver's next door and the old ladies from the bus
stop further on. It's quite an achievement, really.

Sorry? Filling an entire hospital intensive care unit
single-handed. It's a good score, even for Gordon.

He will be all right, won't he?
I've been wondering about that.

I couldn't help thinking it might
be easier for everyone if he wasn't.

What? Well, if he didn't recover.
If he just slipped quietly away.

I think that's a bit harsh. You
can't say anyone deserves to die.

Oh, I didn't say he deserved it.
I was just being practical. I see.

Well... I'd miss him.

It's all right, Laura. You don't
have to cheer me up. No, honestly.

The thing about your husband... I know
he's annoying. Very annoying. He annoys me.

But there's no malice. He doesn't hate anybody.
He cares about the centre and the people in it.

He wants more
than anything to help.

Even though things never work
out as he wants, he keeps on trying.

I think that's worth something.

Do you? I do, actually.

Yes. Yes, you're probably right.

Hello, darling. Hello, Gordon.

You know... It was
my right of way.