The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 1, Episode 5 - Stop Thief - full transcript

Go to the rest-room, Gavin.
Straight through, please.

Sorry I'm late... go
on. We're closed again.

Yes. That's 4 times this month!

If you'd just like to go straight
through to the rest-room.

I said the rest-room, Colin.

I need the toilet. I've been
taking fennel to purify my system.

Okay, Colin. Unfortunately, it's
given me a hyperactive bladder.

Just join us when you can. Yes.

There you are. Thank you,
Angie. What d'you want it for?

All will be revealed,
Angie. All will be revealed.

So, the facts are these... During the course of
the afternoon Carole left her baby... Ben. Ben.



Here in the staff rest-room. My mother's
back in hospital, you see. Thank you, Carole.

Her body's rejected the plastic
hip. We're sorry to hear that. Now...

Sorry, mr brittas. But it is quite
painful if you don't... you know.

Just take a seat, Colin.

Carole hid the £5 down beside
the mattress in the carrycot.

I needed the money for a cassette
of womb music to help him sleep.

So, Carole hid the £5 in the carrycot... he has
a lot of trouble sleeping. So do I... Carole.

I haven't had a good... Carole!

Now, as some of you are aware, £5 is a lot of money
for Carole. Paying me back is not easy for her.

I'm sorry, mr brittas...

Once more should do it.

But I think there's a much more
serious issue here - staff morale.

If we're ever going to work as a
team, we have to trust each other.

That's why I've closed the
centre. Is it absolutely necessary?



I think it's vital, Laura. But
we are covered by insurance.

It was only £5. We'll chip
in... But it wasn't only £5.

£5 is just the tip
of the iceberg.

Last Tuesday when Patrick came in to wash his hair,
he found his sachet of shampoo had been removed.

Wednesday afternoon, Gavin's
soap-on-a-rope disappeared.

Sorry about that, mr
brittas. I feel much better.

And on Friday I discovered 3
biscuits were unaccounted for!

Couldn't someone have forgotten?
How could anyone forget, Carole?

You either put your 2p in
the box or sign your name...

Okay, who's stolen
the biscuit pencil?

Right, that's another thing.

Mr brittas? Perhaps you
should move in there, colin(!)

No, no. Perhaps it
isn't a thief. What?

I saw this television programme the other
night about a postman driving round in his Van.

People kept missing things.
It turned out it was a bird. Eh?

It was a jackdaw! That's
right. The jackdaw took them.

That's jewellery. It's not going
to fly off with soap-on-a-rope.

It wouldn't fit in its beak.
No, I realise that, but...

I think Colin's right. I can't
believe it was any of us.

We all know each other. No-one in
this room is going to steal from Carole.

Looks can be deceptive, Laura. You wouldn't
know that someone here had a criminal record.

No-one was supposed to know!

Who knows? The person with
the criminal record. Whoever it is.

That information is confidential.
How come you've told them, then?

All I said was someone
might... You said "had", actually.

I apologise. That's not what I meant.
It's a bit late. Everyone knows now.

I've named no names,
Danny. They know...

Okay, I went to prison. That doesn't mean I stole
Carole's £5. I got involved in a bigamous marriage.

I've done my 3 months...

Danny, Danny... I wasn't even talking about
you. Weren't you? No. I was talking about Mandy.

I knew it! I knew he'd say
it. He promised he wouldn't!

He told you. Could
we all forget that?

God knows, you try to go straight. You try to
make a fresh start. They never let you forget!

Now that is an excellent example of what happens
when the trust is eroded and you lose team spirit.

Heartache and suffering result.

Laura, can you hand these out? I think we should
find out where everyone was yesterday afternoon.

If you'd like to fill
in where you were,

what you did, anyone you saw,
and anyone who might have seen you.

This is purely a formality. I don't want
anyone to feel they're under suspicion.

So, if you'd like to press firmly
with a ballpoint pen or biro,

so the automatic copies are
available for cross-referencing.

All right?

So, mrs brittas, you want some
more valium. Is that it? Yes, please.

Are you feeling particularly
depressed at the moment? Very.

Why? I've run out of the pills.

I'll need a little more than that
if I'm to make a diagnosis. Oh...

How are things at
home, for example?

Can't I just have
more? Hang on...

Dr burden used to just write out a prescription.
Well, chemical solutions only alleviate symptoms.

Sounds fine to me!

I see from your notes that things haven't always
been easy with your husband. Are things difficult?

Not really. He's
always like that.

There's no new problem,
then? No, not especially...

Well, yes... I suppose there is.

You see, I've been
seeing... "A friend" in London

for some time now... Simon.

And he... Doesn't want
to see me any more.

I see.

Does your husband
know about Simon?

No, no, there's no problem
there. Gordon trusts me completely.

Mrs brittas, does it occur to you that a lack of
honesty in your marriage is causing your depression?

No.

I think you should be talking about
this. Perhaps with a third person?

Marriage guidance? Yes. Why not?

You've never met my husband! Perhaps I should.
I'd be quite happy to suggest marriage guidance.

Is that how I get more pills? Um...
When can he come? Next week?

No, it has to be today. I've only got 2
pills left and Gordon's due home at four.

Well... I'll be back in an hour.

There is a discrepancy between what you say and
what Gavin says about you. What do you mean?

He says you left him in the canteen at 3.04, and
Patrick says you arrived at the pool at 3.09.

Yes? Well, I've timed the walk between the canteen
and the pool. It takes just under 2 minutes.

You took 5. Perhaps I made a
mistake. It's only a few minutes.

I gather you were a rather good middle-distance
runner at school. What's all this about?

I've also timed the distance to that window
there. Allowing 2 minutes to get in and back out,

it is possible for an above-average
sprinter to do it in 5 minutes!

Are you saying I took money?
No... you're accusing me!

I'm making no
accusations. At this point.

All I'm saying is there's
an inconsistency here.

Then, I left later.
Changing it now?

Mr brittas! Yes, Carole?
Something you ought to know. Yes?

It's about the
missing biscuits...

Knock at door come in!

Mr brittas? Yes, Gavin. I'd just like to say
that Tim is one of the kindest people I know.

The idea of him stealing £5 is... He wouldn't
do a thing like that, not in a million years.

Not from a baby anyway!

That's all I wanted to say.
Gavin. Gavin. Not so hasty...

I wasn't accusing Tim.
He's a very sensitive person.

He's talking about leaving and
going back to live with his mother.

Don't worry, Gavin. It's just
that, whoever took it, it wasn't Tim.

Look, Gavin, I don't want to give
away too much, but I will say this.

I have a plan. By the end of the
evening we shall all know the culprit.

I can tell Tim not to worry,
then? If he's innocent, yes.

Thanks, mr brittas.

Everything all right,
Carole? Yes, mr brittas.

Is everything all right? Ahh...! Oh,
yes, Laura. Just clearing out this locker.

I see. Oh, look... Someone's
left their wallet here.

It's yours. Is it? Here's your name.
Just leave it where it is, please.

Are you sure? Yes. It
doesn't seem very safe.

It doesn't seem very safe to leave it lying around
when... Laura, this is the bait to catch our thief.

Really? There's £100 in £20 notes there. I'm going
to hide in this locker and watch who steals it.

This is the staff changing area,
mr brittas. I shan't be watching.

I'll be watching my wallet.
But that's spying on people!

Surveillance, I call it. Unpleasant things have
to be done. I hope the others don't find out.

What d'you mean? I'm not sure how they'll react
to someone taking polaroids from inside a locker!

Have you got nothing to do, Laura?
Well, I was going to have a shower.

Door closes

Mr brittas? Mr brittas...?

What is it? Oh, there
you are, mr brittas.

Laura said you were in a locker.

Angie says your wife is in your
office. Are you sure? Mm-hmm.

Look... someone's left their
wallet. Thank you, Linda.

It's asking to be stolen. Oh, it's yours.
Thank you, linda(!) You want to be careful...

Aren't you on duty? No. Well, go
and help Colin. Right, mr brittas.

Door closes

I thought you were at uncle
Simon's today. I didn't go.

What happened? I
changed my mind.

Look... he's 73 and
bedridden. He relies on you.

Uncle Simon doesn't want to see me any more.
What about all those weekends? And the bedbaths?

Apparently, someone
else is doing all that now.

Well, I have to say I'm
rather relieved. What?

I thought it took too much out of you. You'd
come back flat out after a day at uncle Simon's.

And I'd think to myself, "that poor woman
is exhausted." Is the new person younger?

I think so, yes. That's good. Look, Gordon, I
came in to say the doctor wants to see us. Why?

He wants to talk to us both
before he'll give me any more pills.

Well, anything to keep you happy...
When are we free? It has to be now!

Now? I'm supposed to be hiding
in a locker in the staff rest-room.

Ohh, god! You are a
bit down, aren't you?

I'll find someone to hide for
me and we'll go to the cafeteria.

Get yourself a hot chocolate
and a doughnut. I've no money.

No problem, darling... ah!

Get Angie to give you some from
petty cash. I'll see you in 12 minutes.

You could look after someone
else. What? Instead of uncle Simon.

We'll find you some old person in
need of a bedbath and some soup.

Thank you, Gordon. Attagirl!

Mr brittas... not now, Angie.

Where's he gone now? God knows! Sandra found
this downstairs. Just lying there. Oh, thank you.

Are you all right? Mm? Can
I get you a cup of coffee? No.

I'm going to cheer myself up with
a hot chocolate and a doughnut(!)

Yes, mr brittas. You want me
to get into that locker? Precisely.

Just one problem.
It's not difficult, Colin.

Jot down everyone who comes
in. It's just... it's only for one hour.

I can't last that long. What?

My hyperactive bladder,
remember? Ah! I'll tell you what...

Take this milk bottle.
Is that all right? Well...

It's only for an emergency, Colin.
I'm just not sure one bottle is enough.

If you need more put a note in
it and stick it outside the door.

Have you got everything?
Notebook, watch, camera? Yes.

Just make sure you keep your
eye on the wallet. What wallet?

The wallet on the table.
That's the object of the exercise.

It's gone! What's gone? I left
a wallet here with £100 in it.

Your wallet? Yes. That
wasn't very sensible.

It was meant to be
taken, Colin. Get in there...

Your wife asked me to give you this. Did she? She's
waiting in the car. Is she? Someone gave it to Angie.

You ought to be careful leaving that lying about.
I'm not interested in your theories just now, Tim.

I can't do anything
right today! Door slams

can you see that, Colin?
Yes. Right, good luck!

I'm definitely gonna
need another bottle.

I don't believe it, Gavin. He's
not stupid enough to do that.

He's in there at the moment. Mr
brittas? Laura saw him getting in.

You're right. He is in
there. He's pouring a drink.

It's despicable! It's spying. I mean, people
come in here to change and all sorts of things...

I'm going to tell him what I think.
Hang on! I've got a better idea...

Thank you both for coming in. Not at all. We're
glad to see some fresh blood in the practice.

I'm not one to criticise, but dr
burden was definitely gaga at the end.

Dr burden was dr grey's father-in-law,
Gordon. You'll know what I mean, then.

Mr brittas... Gordon, please.

Your wife came to see me earlier about
her depression. Now you know about this?

Yes. She's been getting depressions
every since I've known her.

I can usually jolly
her out of them.

Mrs brittas, do you have
any idea what causes this?

I think it's all in the mind. Mrs brittas has
what I would describe as a poor self-image.

I tell her she means the world to me. But some
mornings she can hardly persuade herself to get up.

Have you ever considered marriage guidance,
mr brittas? Funnily enough, I have.

Good, because... but in the end
I trained as a samaritan instead.

I think it would be very helpful if you and your
wife could talk about her depression with someone.

Do you think that would help? I think... I think
talking always helps. As long as you're honest.

I was asking your wife, mr brittas. Oh, she agrees.
We've always believed in talking things through.

I wish you'd let your wife speak.
I know what she's going to say.

Mrs brittas, is there
anything you'd like to say?

Not really, no...

Would you like me to organise...?
I think... you're doing it again!

You answered for your
wife. Did I? So I did.

Keep pulling me up on that one.
I didn't notice. Well spotted, doc.

Well, I'll be in touch when I've organised
something. Well, thank you very much, doctor.

Good luck with the practice. I'm sure
people will start to come back eventually.

Mrs brittas... yes?

This is your prescription.

Please call back when
you need more. Thank you.

And these are some slightly stronger
ones... For the really bad days. Thank you.

Thanks... tell me, did he
really train for the samaritans?

Oh, yes. And they let him in? Just the
one evening. "Black Friday" they call it.

They lost 4 in an hour and a half. 4?!
One of them was just a wrong number!

Oh, Angie! I wanted to
ask... Ssshh... she whispers

but he was... that's disgusting!
Can't we do anything? We are.

You ready? Right.

What's that? I
got it from a vet.

Ssshh... Clunk perfect!

Mr brittas! Yes? Look at this!

It's a nappy, Carole. Not
just a nappy, mr brittas.

Ben's not blocked any
more. No, I can see that(!)

And we've found the cause. Look!
Carole! Do you recognise the signature?

Eh? A bank of england note!

Is it? He swallowed it. What?
The five pounds. Ben ate it!

So, nobody stole it? No. This
is why it wasn't in his carrycot.

No-one took it? No.

So, I've spent all morning accusing people of
taking things that have been eaten by your baby!

I will wash the pieces. I
will sellotape them together...

Okay, Carole. Of course, it
might take a few days to get it all.

If you'll excuse me, I must tell
everybody there's been a mistake.

Oh, Danny handed in your
wallet. Did he? Well done, danny(!)

He found it in the rest-room.

It wasn't a very sensible place to keep it.
£80 is a lot of money. If I could just have...

How much?! Eighty. I had to
look to see who it belonged to.

Eighty quid...?!
I've been robbed!

What the criminal did not know was
that my carelessness had a reason.

Every note was covered with phosphorus
powder invisible to the naked eye,

but which under ultra-Violet
light shows up as a bright blue.

This will enable me to name the guilty party.
So, if you would all like to form a queue...

Nice and thoroughly,
Angie. Thank you, Laura.

Tim, yes. Gavin... Danny...

Phil... linda...
Mandy, nice one.

No blue hands. We're obviously
dealing with a clever criminal here.

We don't know that.
What? About the blue hands.

I saw it quite
clearly. Everyone?

Yes, everyone. Not quite
everyone. I checked everyone.

You haven't done yourself. You
were standing behind the light.

There's no point checking
my hands. Why not?

You said no-one was above suspicion. I know, Laura,
but I set the trap, so I'm not likely to fall into it.

Perhaps it was part
of your plan. Carole!

She's playing devil's
advocate. Yes, I...

What motive is there? To
claim the insurance? Yes.

You want me to put my
hands under the light?

Yes. Yes. All right...

Well, of course they're blue. I
had to paint the damn things.

Anyway, it was my money.

No, it wasn't. What? I was just
saying it wasn't. It was from petty cash!

Well, part of it was. But it could
have been my £20 that was stolen.

We should call the police. Just
'cos I got a bit of dye on my hands...?

I think Gavin's right.
Just to sort it out... wait!

Of course, Colin! Colin? The person who took
the money would have been seen by Colin.

I took the precaution earlier
of hiding Colin in a locker.

So, he will have seen precisely the time when
the money was taken, and by whom. Okay, Colin...

Colin, come out now...
Are you in there, Colin?

All right, who's stolen Colin?

Colin! Yes, mr brittas. Good
grief! What's he doing there?

Colin, are you still inside
there? Yes, mr brittas. Ahhhh...!

Poor Colin... both legs.

No, he'll be all right physically.
They were clean breaks.

I was thinking more of
"is he fitting in properly?"

I mean, do people like him?
They hung him up on a fire escape.

They filled your car with cement. That's
different. New boy... Practical jokes.

No, in the case of Colin, I'm not sure he's
popular. Part of it is the flatulence...

I think I'll pop into the hospital
and have a tactful word about it.

Speaking of which, you look better.
What? Did the doc give you a tonic?

Yes... yes, he did.

Well, my day wasn't too bad really. All
in all, I think it went quite well. What?

Never a pleasant
business - pilfering.

But if we can weather a storm like
that, we may end up stronger team.

But there wasn't any. What?

I borrowed the £20. Ben ate the
fiver. The pencil was behind the radiator.

There was the shampoo. Ah.
And Gavin's soap-on-a-rope.

I narrowed it down to a small group and, oddly
enough, they all handed in their notice afterwards.

What - all of them? Yes, I think
they were working it as a team.

Anyway, they've all
gone. That's all right.

So, hopefully, no
more pilfering...

I thought there were
six of these. Six of what?

"Kit-kats". There's one missing.
Was it you? I don't think so.

Are you sure? Well,
fairly sure. I've got these...

There were definitely six. I'll have
to have a word with the children...