The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 1, Episode 4 - Underwater Wedding - full transcript

So 17-year-old beverley Pearson of 33 elmdean
close, you think you'd like to work here?

What are we trying
to do? Pardon?

What is our work at the centre?

Oh, well, I suppose... You
help people to play sport.

Wrong! I mean, if
someone wants a swim...

Wrong! How many tries do I get?

Did you notice anything
written above the entrance?

You're not to
wear certain shoes.

Above that. No people
wearing leather jackets.

No. I meant carved over the
door. "Semper omnibus facultas".

"Open to all". Oh, that is nice!



It's the most important thing about this centre - we're
"open to all", and not just people who like sport.

I like to see people
who hate sport.

People who can't see the point,
and you know why? I... I'll tell you why.

Because in a divided and troubled world such
as this, sport can bring people together.

Oh, I see... out there are
people fighting, hating, arguing.

If can get them to come in here
and have a badminton game instead.

To talk to each other in
the shower afterwards.

To share each other's deodorant.

To - I'm not ashamed to
say it - to love one another.

A leisure centre is
not for playing sport.

It's a cathedral for
the modern community.

Do you know what the pool is being
used for this morning? Swimming?

That's wrong as well, isn't it?
It's being used for a wedding.

A scuba club member
is marrying in it.



He could have chosen a church
or registry office, but he came here.

I think that's
rather significant.

Beverley, I have this dream...

Phone rings

brittas. Yes, Colin? Actually
in the pool?! I'll be right down.

Excuse me, beverley.

Ok, how did it happen?
The service was going fine.

The bride and groom had just
given each other the 'thumbs-up' sign.

The best man dropped the
ring. Nerves! Into the grating.

When he tried to pick it up...
His finger got stuck. I know that!

Well, Gavin, how's it going?
He's not happy, mr brittas.

He gave you this message.

"I am running..." His
writing's not up to much, is it?

He's using his left hand. His right
hand is stuck. I'm aware of that!

Can you see where he's running?

It's "running out of air".
Air? Does that say air?

It's not his writing, more
the colour of his face. Purple.

Can we borrow your
tank? I've got some soap.

Rub it round his finger.
It might do the trick.

I have a 5-school swimming
gala due for 12. Is the service over?

They're married. Without a ring? The vicar
had a spare one down his trunks. Good.

Are we needed any more? Pardon?
I'm wanted for the photos. Oh!

Could you possibly tell Rick that we're having a
couple of pints at the bricklayer's? Right. Thanks.

It keeps slipping
out of your hands.

It's probably all that water.
Colin! Go and do something useful.

Tell Carole the pool is
closed for now. Why?

It's a risk. What if a small child became entangled
in his tail-coat? There'd be a legal battle.

I'll give you a
screwdriver for the grating.

There's one more message. What?

"Please don't be long. I
had the curry last night."

Any idea what's happening? No idea. There
seems to be some problem. Will they be long?

Probably. Gordon's
sorting it out.

Ah. I've often wondered... How did you and
Gordon meet? You mean, why did I marry him?

Well, sort of. I don't know. I've
never been very lucky with men.

We met on the hard shoulder of the m6 just
outside Birmingham. Not a very promising start.

No. I was recovering
from a messy divorce.

Somehow I'd let this ape called
Terry take me to the caravan show.

We broke down and suddenly out of nowhere there was
Gordon clutching his little set of socket spanners.

You'd never met him? No. He
looked at the engine and said,

"someone's not been cleaning their spark plugs
properly." Nobody spoke to Terry like that.

I laughed. Terry said, "shut up!" Gordon said
women deserved better language than that.

Gordon said we should all sit
down, apologise and shake hands.

Terry hit him with
the tyre lever. Ouch!

It was that long hot summer of
'83. Do you remember? Mmm.

Visiting him in hospital, I
really did get quite fond of him.

He wasn't like how he is now.

Then, he was drifting in and out of a coma
with his jaw wired up. I thought he was great.

Well, he can be very
charming... Sometimes. Mm-m-m?

And loyal. Oh, he's
very... mm-m-m?

He seems to care about
things. Oh, he... yeah.

It's our wedding
anniversary today.

I thought you looked
a bit down. Mm.

Screwdriver. Screwdriver.

There we are, Gavin. If
you'd just like to sign for it.

Right, beverley.

Where were we? ..Beverley?

You were telling me about the
centre and how it isn't for playing sport.

Was I? Oh, it's not
just meant for that.

Oh, I see! I did wonder. Cos you've
got all those squash courts downstairs.

Let me tell you a story. When I was a student at
loughborough, there was a chap who always read books,

politics, philosophy - anything to
avoid talking to you - you know the sort.

Now, I used to coach football for underprivileged
lads and every week I'd ask this chap if he'd play.

Every week he'd make up an excuse, like he had
exams or something, or that he didn't like football.

I kept plugging away, till one day,
just after his mother died I think,

he gave in and he said,
"ok, Gordon, you win, I'll play."

He played one game and for that one
game he was part of a team. He belonged!

I don't think he'll
ever forget that day.

He told me that years later when I ran into
him at a petrol station. He was polishing cars.

When I saw what he'd made of
his life, the shine on the bonnets,

the pride he must have felt wearing
those general motors overalls,

that is when I realised sport can
change lives. I have a dream...

They've let down your tyres again. Laura
stopped them pushing a potato in your exhaust.

She wants you at
reception. Now? Mm.

Another thing I've learnt
is that the buck stops here!

Coming to work here, are you? Either
here or the chemist. Choices, choices, eh?

I had me interview with the chemist.
He suggested I come up here.

What do you make of "head girl"?

Pardon? Mr brittas.

Oh, he's very
impressive, isn't he?

He's been telling me about
bringing everyone together.

His dream of world
peace, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, he has mentioned it.

Imagine the world we'd
have if everyone was like him.

Mmm... it's quite
a thought, isn't it?

Mother, bailiffs can
take what they want.

Everything ok? Fine, mr brittas.

Does Laura want me?
Yes. I can't talk now, mother.

What's this?
What? All this water.

It's those people in flippers.

It's all uphill some days.
Phone rings how can I help you?

Thank you. Lovely.
That's it. Hold it there.

Lovely. That's it. Keep
smiling. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I cannot
let this pass without comment.

There is water
all over the floor.

Isn't it selfish leaving the place
with water slopping about the floor?

Other people use
this centre too.

"Semper omnibus facultas".
Don't you know what that means?

I know this is a festive occasion,
but I'll leave you with a thought.

Would you do it in
your own homes?

All right? Point taken? We'll
say no more about it then.

Excuse me.

Were you caught sticking
a potato up his exhaust?

Sorry, mr Herman.

How about trying it again...

With a dog poo?

If only people would realise
it's their centre, belonging to all.

Come on, out. I
mean it, out! Laura!

No sneaking back.
What are you doing?

I'm telling mr appleby he's not
welcome here. I can't believe this.

There's been a slight
misunderstanding.

You don't understand.
He's in a wheelchair.

He's drunk! What? He's got a
24-pack of guinness, and 18 are empty.

He's pretending to be disabled?

He's disabled. He gets an
allowance. And he uses it to get drunk?

Ungrateful! He was in the girls'
changing-room. He's a peeping Tom?

There was no "peeping" about it.
He just watched them get undressed.

I think they were too embarrassed to
throw him out. Well, I'm not! Ah, Colin.

There's a man in an invalid car...
Yes, it's nice when people like...

Ask him to leave. Are you sure? We don't want
his sort in here. If you say so, mr brittas.

Yes? This doesn't fit the screws. We need a
Philips. What? One with a criss-cross on the end.

I know what a Philips is. What's
the problem? We can't find one.

Then buy one. I think the
centre could rise to the expense.

Right. Gavin? Yes? Not
the place in the high St. eh?

They were very difficult about
a roof-rack. Drive to homebase.

Gavin? Yes? Don't forget
a receipt. Mind how you go.

Tim? Someone in an invalid car is
throwing beer cans into the courts.

Beer cans?! Do you realise we
built ramps for people like him?

He has this extraordinary
self-confidence.

Nothing seems to dent it - ever.

No. When we left the last place,
the staff gave him this present.

It was a print of general Gordon at Khartoum
with a spear in his chest. Very heroic!

And written along the spear in tiny letters
it said, "from all the staff at aldershot."

What did he think? That they
were too shy to sign it properly.

He thinks he's like
general Gordon?

No. I think he models himself
on mother Theresa. Gosh!

They have certain
things in common.

They both care a great deal.
They want desperately to help.

They both think that god's called
them for some special purpose. Yes.

The difference is I doubt
god called Gordon at all.

I think he just heard a message for someone
else. He's not qualified as a Messiah.

He should be at the back
tidying the hymn books.

Only trouble is, if you think Gordon's limited,
what does that make the woman who married him?

So you haven't any exams?

I don't want qualifications.

I want visionaries, dreamers, idealists, but who
have a practical no-nonsense common-sense. Well...

They have to be individualists, but still be
part of an integrated, disciplined team. Right...

They have to be caring, listening people, able
to deal with problems quickly and decisively.

It's no good, mr brittas. Could
we knock, d'you think, Colin?

It's no good. I can't catch him. He's in an invalid
car, Colin. They have a maximum speed of 8mph.

He's put a match in the governer.
They reckon he's doing over 30!

Call the police? I don't want to be
a laughing-stock with them again.

If 38 staff in a physical training
centre can't stop a drunk invalid.

His batteries will give out. Yeah,
but how soon? We'll find out.

He's half-terrified
the roly-poly club.

Old mrs bogthwaithe is still
wedged behind the wall-bars.

I thought we could lay a trap.

What? Like throwing a whole lot
of tin-tacks down bursting his tyres.

What if some small child fell on
them and poked both its eyes out?

How'd it look in
the tabloid press?

Is that Everest invalid cars?

No, no, no. I just want to find
out how long the batteries last?

That long, eh? Yes, it
is a great step forward(!)

Anything up to 18 hours.
Angie, I want the builder's plans.

Phone rings

has he? Whose clothes? Give her a
blanket and tell her to keep out the way.

Plans, mr brittas. Colin,
where did you last see him?

Outside the weights room. Right.

Linda said he was last
sighted outside the showers.

He's heading this way. If we cut him
off here... How? Some sort of barricade.

You could use cardboard boxes. What? They
do it in the films. It breaks the fall.

Well done! You're
getting the hang of this.

What if he comes the other
way? He won't be able to, will he?

I'll cut off the doors here and
here, leaving him trapped here.

He must have escaped in the
lift. You check the second floor.

Hoe are things,
Carole? Fine, fine.

I wanted to say,
about the lilos...

Oh, you keep them until you get
your beds back. You're very kind.

You missed mr brittas. That's ok. We wanted a swim,
but the pool's not open. We thought we'd try badminton.

The gymnasium's closed off.
Squash? Can we borrow some rackets?

Yes. You'd better seal
off the squash courts.

Close off the firedoors, evacuate the
changing-rooms, then bring the keys to me, ok?

Everything all right? Oh, darling! I see you've
persuaded pat to come in and take my advice. What advice?

Popping in here to tone up the
flab or lose a few pounds, is it, pat?

We thought we'd have a swim. Ah...
Then we thought a game of squash.

You seem to be closing down. Is it safe to
sit here and read(?) You're a tonic! Am I?

I'm going mad and you put it
back into perspective. Glad I helped.

Meeting here tonight? I'll be here.
Babysitter? Pam. Well done, pat.

You going out tonight?
The anniversary.

Each year he books tickets, dinner,
hotel. And you want me to babysit?

Not really, no. No? We
never actually get there.

We usually settle for a take-away
Chinese. Will I hang about in case?

A burst radiator
pipe? I'm coming.

I shouldn't bother.

The pipe was leaking near the fuse-box.
I've shut the solarium and the sauna.

What do you
think of the barrier?

I meant a few boxes to slow him
down. You can't even see over it.

You can if you're on the fire-step. Fire-step? If we
stand here with these we could shoot his tyres out.

This isn't warfare. We're
not ambushing a Nazi patrol.

I've got the screwdriver. Hang on.
We'd feel safer if you came down.

I can't get to the pool. Even the best of us
can only deal with one thing at a time. But...

Colin, can you
reduce this? But...

We want to stop a man in an invalid
car so that I can ask him to leave.

Right now we can't
see him coming.

I thought we'd hear him.
How? It's electric. They're silent.

The first we'll know about it is
him crashing through at 30mph.

You bastard! You
won't get away with this!

Mr brittas? Every penny!

Mr brittas? What?
I've shot Gavin.

Are you all right?

I gave a little jump
and it went off.

Talk to me, Gavin!
Let's pull this out.

No, don't. It's got barbs.
That's blood. He's hurt!

I think he's more "pinned". Oh,
Gavin! Let's not get hysterical.

Carole, call an ambulance and tell
the police we've got a mad invalid.

He could be bleeding to death. We can't just
wait for an ambulance! All right, all right.

I know what we'll do.

Any sign of that ambulance yet, Carole? Not yet,
mr brittas, no. Maybe they've boycotted us again.

What are you doing? He got into the
ante-natal class. Is it one of our doors?

He drove in and ran over the
doll. Mrs Ferris went into labour.

It is. It's a leisure
centre door.

She needs to get to hospital.

You can't just rip off doors.

Why can't she have a
door? Gavin's got one.

We didn't have much choice. He was nailed to it.
Couldn't you have given her a fireman's lift?

You can't sling a pregnant woman
over your shoulder, mr brittas.

One jolt and she'll have
the baby all down your back.

Ambulance is here, mr brittas.
Let's get them out. Gavin first.

Blast those doors! Push! Push!

Not you, mrs Ferris.

Mr brittas, mr brittas, mr brittas. What is it?
Linda's got a problem. Where? Squash court corridor.

That's condensation, Linda.
It's taking the paint off. What?

It came from inside the carboys.
What carboys? Smashed by that man.

You mean those boxes weren't
empty? Colin wanted them to have weight.

This is sodium
hypochloride for the pool.

Well, I think it's all right
now. How can it be all right?

It seems to have seeped away.

We've had a small spillage.
What precautions should we take?

About 35 gallons.

No, we've already
rung the police.

Well, most of it seems
to have trickled away.

If it comes into contact with what?
That would make chlorine gas?

That shouldn't be hard to find out.
What symptoms should I look for?

Coughing and vomiting, right.

Get them all out!

Excuse me. I've got 52 tinies here for
an activity session. Not too early, are we?

Hello?

We must evacuate
the ground floor.

Bill, get the injured
people into the ambulances.

Phil, organise breathing masks.

Laura, set up a
first-aid station.

Linda, get the names and addresses.
Don't forget compensation forms.

Patrick, clear the car-park.

Debbie, get me a casualty list.

Colin. Yo! Put the kettle on.

When the chief inspector
arrives, show him straight in.

I've filled in my application
form. What? Oh, yes.

But, to be honest, I don't know
whether I'm cut out for this. What?

I thought it would be about sport. Not about
knowing what to do if people are nailed to a door.

Don't decide yet.
Think about it.

I've thought about it, mr brittas, and if you
don't mind I'll take the job at the chemist.

Not too disappointed,
I hope, darling. Why?

About tonight, the anniversary.
No. I cancelled dinner and the show.

Did you? Good. And told Pam? Mm?

That we wouldn't be needing
a babysitter. She knows.

Sorry, darling. There'll
be plenty more years, eh?

I suppose there will(!)

This doesn't seem
to be going up.

I had a nice girl in for
interview today. For a job?

Young, keen, just the sort we
need. She didn't take it, did she?

She didn't actually say
no. I'll call her tomorrow.

Had that spark. It was like
looking at myself ten years ago.

This one's not going up either.

Now have I forgotten
anything? Like what?

I'm sure I had something to do.
Close the door and let's go home.

Doors! What would I do without
you? I never rang the builders.

What? We've three doors missing
in the centre. I'll do it tomorrow.

I thought we might stop on the
way and pick up a take-away. Fine.

Wish I could
remember what it was.

I thought you just had. No, there was
something else. It'll come to me tomorrow.

He gurgles: Somebody
come and get me!