The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 1, Episode 3 - Bye Bye Baby - full transcript

♪ Like a virgin,
touched for the very... ♪

d'you know how many were off yesterday?
18.18 out of 34. Is that not about average?

But the question is not how many, but why are
they not coming to work? Have you asked them?

That is brilliant. What is?

Out of the mouths of babes...
Just what we need. Dialogue.

The children have gone to
Pam until tomorrow morning.

Children? Uncle Simon! My word,
that's come round again quickly.

You don't mind, do
you? No - I admire you.

Not many women would sacrifice a whole day a
month to look after a bedridden 73-year-old uncle.

Are those new? Probably. Yes.

You talked of him
in your sleep. Did I?



You said, "Simon, Simon, let me
do it for you." Oh! Could you? Yes.

You also sounded quite
upset. You were moaning a lot!

It can be rather distressing.
I won't be back till quite late.

He gets a bed bath, massage.
I cook a pie for tomorrow.

And I always like to clean
the place from... Top to bottom.

D'you know what you are? What?

You're a Saint.
That's what you are.

But why are they sick, Angie? Mostly
they phone in and say they feel poorly.

Lawrence is not
coming in any more.

I'm not convinced. I think it's
got nothing to do with illness.

I'm beginning to wonder
if it isn't my fault. Mmm.

I run this place efficiently, keep
a taut administration humming,

but, if my staff have problems, can they tell me? Can
they come here to tell me their deepest fears? No.

In which case I've failed, Angie.
I haven't made myself available.



Now you mention it... discussing it with my
wife this morning, the answer came to me. Here.

"To all staff, re sharing
and caring clinics.

"I intend to have a quiet
informal chat..." My god!

If we have two a night we can see the whole staff
in a month. One to one. Starting at 5 this evening.

You're having a lecture at 5. Good point. We'll
have the first one at 6.30. But that's Patrick.

He's only been
married a fortnight.

I wonder what
she'd really prefer.

A husband home on time,
or someone a little late,

radiating that inner content from
sharing a problem with a friend.

Precisely. I think we'll find people
with problems we can't even dream of.

Carole, are you all right? Yes.

Are you sure? Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so worried about everything. Losing the car,
selling the furniture and the baby won't feed.

I thought your mother helped. She
went into hospital today for a new hip.

Really? So who's
looking after the baby?

Carole, you haven't!

Look, you know what brittas said. If he
found it in here again, he'd confiscate it.

Look, why don't you go for a nice cup of tea? I
can't leave the desk. Come on. I'll look after it.

Is someone looking after you? No,
I... Carole! Carole! I do apologise.

I only wanted to ask... I'll
see if I can find someone.

Carole! What's wrong?
I brought her here.

But is no-one Manning the desk?

She has a few problems at home.

Problems, eh? She'll
be fine with a cup of tea.

Problems! Well, she's down for 5.30 on Wednesday,
but I think we could bend the rules a bit.

I'll just check the
"desk". Thanks.

Good idea, Laura. Right
then, what's the problem?

Baby crying can I
help you? Yes, I...

Sorry!

He belongs to the receptionist. She shouldn't
keep him in there of course, should she?

Look, I'll be straight back. Ok?

Baby continues to cry

I think this could be
a long session, Laura.

I'll just take her upstairs...
Where's she gone? I'm not sure.

You go on, get Angie to make
you a cup of tea. I'll be up soon.

Sorry, we're a bit short-staffed.
How can I help you?

I think, yesterday, I left... Laura!
There you are! Where's Carole?

She's gone on up. Can you do
this? I've a class. I'll get Angie onto it.

Well? Yesterday...
Phone rings excuse me.

Hello, leisure centre.
How can I help you?

Do I sound like Carole (?)

Her husband! I thought you ran
away to Spain with another woman.

I don't want her upset. She's in
a very delicate emotional state.

Angie? I've got Carole's husband on 7. And could
you get someone to take over reception? Thanks.

You were saying? Thank you. I
wondered if anyone found a tie.

A tie? Well, let's have a look.

Excuse me, I... I'm looking
after this young man, sir.

(There's a queue.) Gavin! I'm at reception with a
young man who says he may have left a tie yesterday.

Could you? He's looking.

Ģ while we're
waiting... Yes, Gavin?

Oh, dear, yes. It could, couldn't
it? Who was on duty then?

And where is she at the moment?

D'you have her home number?

Right. Thanks.

Caroline will know.
Sorry, everyone!

Hello, Caroline, I
understand yesterday...

Well, can I speak
to mummy please?

Will you get mummy out of the
bath? I don't want to cause any bother.

No bother. It's
what we're paid for.

Gavin! Can you tell Carole I've
moved the baby to the ladies' loo?

The baby? The mothers' changing
area. She'll understand. Right.

No, no, no. She said she gave it to you, but it's
not in the locker room. Why did you put it there?

Mr brittas? Have you seen
Carole? Gavin, go to the gym.

Get the lost property box from under the vaulting
horse. Just go! We've people waiting. Right. Right.

Now, Tim, in future, put it in the
proper place. It's simpler. Thanks.

Now, while we're waiting,
here's a lost property claim form.

I think he wants me back. He's
coming here from the airport.

Are you sure, Carole?
It was his voice.

No. Do you want him back? After
the way he treated you? What?

Taking your savings to
go to Spain with a cashier.

No, it was all my fault. I drove him
to it. I was the one who refused him.

What? The office
party. He wanted to...

You know. On the photocopier.

You said no? God!
I was such a fool!

I was so unreasonable! But I was 8
months pregnant. I might have fallen off.

Is that why he left? Yes! But
everything will be all right now.

We can keep the house, I won't
have to work, Ben'll have a father,

and goodness me, I
feel so much better.

We've done nothing about mr
brittas. Oh, yes... don't bother!

I'm fine. Are you sure? Yes.

It never really gets
very busy down there.

These forms must be
somewhere. I'm not bothered, really!

Why can't he use a piece of paper? Ah! If you
don't do it properly, you may as well do nothing.

Let's do nothing. I'll give him £20 to buy
a new tie and roller skates with the change.

We're nearly
there. Here they are!

Lost property box.
Thanks. Have a look, please.

It's not there. You hardly
looked. It's not there!

Listen, squire, my staff and I have
been to a lot of trouble over this tie.

Never mind the people
waiting... This is it!

What? This is mine.
Sure? Absolutely. Thanks.

Sign that form then, please.

At last... One moment,
please, madam.

Police? This is the leisure
centre. I'd like to report a theft.

A girls' grammar school tie.

I think it's important. Start with a sock or tie,
next it's a car or video recorder. Thank you.

Right, madam, yes? Please
could I have 2 tickets for the pool?

The pool. Ooh... you've just missed this
session, madam, and the next is not till four.

But we've been waiting...! The army camp may
have a family hour. I'll try directory enquiries.

Listen, dickhead, I've
been invited to lecture here!

If you don't tell me where to
go now I'll set fire to you outside!

Understand? Mr Owen?

What? Mr Ken Owen?
Tranquillity without drugs?

Yes. Gordon brittas. Manager of the leisure
centre. Welcome to whitbury new town!

Carole! If you'll take over, I'll take mr
Owen to my office. Right, mr brittas!

Are you all right?
Yes, mr brittas!

Our little chat must've helped!

Yes? A squash
court please. Right.

Court 3. Upstairs, straight
along. Just a minute, please.

Oh, my god! Where's...
Where's my baby?

I'm sorry if I seemed... You know, downstairs.
No, it's ok, I expect it was the long drive.

Sorry? I find motorways
impossible now, don't you?

People shouting at you
and waving their fists.

What's all this then, Ken? My
lecture is a personal testimony.

I show people the various drugs
I once used to cope with stress.

Before you started
these exercises? Yes.

Before I realised I was in danger of losing the two
most dear things - my wife and children. I suppose...

Laura! Fascinating, Ken. Really!

Is Carole all right? Fine! Back
in reception in great form. Good!

The first success of our scheme.

One thing, though. Could you girls get together
and give her some advice about make-up?

Isn't that a bit personal? Well,
the husband might come back.

Anything we can do to tip the
balance... She's not an encouraging sight.

All puffy eyes and red skin!
That's maybe what drove him off!

That's not exactly the case,
mr brittas. No? No. Um...

She told Angie he left because he
wanted sex. She said he couldn't...

Mr brittas, it's Carole. What? Someone's stolen
her baby. No! Her baby? That was me! I asked...

You stole it? No! I moved it to
the ladies'. She's afraid if you...

Afraid? Am I a monster? That's
what she's saying. I'll go and find her.

Someone should
put the baby back.

Don't look at me. She's got a
fire axe. Someone can at least...

Ah, Colin! Sorry I'm late.
I've still got this irritated bowel.

Never mind. If I'd got off the toilet,
I'd've phoned, but pfrrr! Colin? Yes?

Go to the ladies'
toilet. There...

The ladies' toilet? Just listen.

There you'll find a baby. Put it in
the bottom left drawer at reception.

You sure about this? Why does
everyone question me? Just do it. Right.

You sure it's worth
unpacking, Ken?

What? It all has to go
down to the lecture hall.

Lecture hall? You said we were
here. I asked you. You said, "yes, it is."

Slight misunderstanding. We have
tea here and get to know each other.

Aaagh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

That's one of the exercises, is it,
Ken? Deep breathing and clenched fists?

Excuse me? Yes?

Is Carole here? Our
receptionist? Yes.

Can I see her, please?
I'm her husband.

I'm Colin. How do you do? I'll
go and find her for you. Thanks.

He's gone! Sorry? He's
gone! Where did he go?

He went down there.
Where is he? Where...?

I'm sorry. I don't know
what came over me.

I keep saying, it's all right. It
was a perfectly natural thing to do.

I just had this red
mist over my eyes.

I could have killed
him. Killed mr brittas.

Yes.

Still, not to worry.

He's all right? Yes,
he slept through it.

Look... I'm ever so grateful.

Oooh, I suppose I better
put this back where I found it.

I'll see to the axe. Would you? I'm on
the desk. Your husband's coming too!

Derrick! I forgot! Carole?
Yes? Before you go...

It's none of my
business, but, um,

perhaps a little... Lipstick?

Why? What's wrong?
Nothing! I just...

Oh, god! I can't
face him like this!

He'll refuse to be seen with
me. Like minehead all over again.

Why can't I use my own projector? It's the insurance.
Where would we be if yours destroyed the building?

It won't. How can
we be so sure, Ken?

You'll need this to
make a click. Click

what? Yes, I've put on a leisure
centre sticker, so you return it.

Why do I need to
click? We have a code.

Click for lights off.
Click click for lights on.

Click click click
for next slide.

Click click click click for
the previous one and so on.

I've jotted them
down here for you.

There's fourteen! You
may not need them all.

Are you seriously suggesting I click fourteen times
if I want "the doors open for a bit of fresh air" (?)

We could change the number. Why
can't I say, "could you open the doors"?

Yes. I don't want
to spoil the flow.

And I still have to transfer over 300 slides
to your carousels. I'm more than happy to help.

No. Thank you. Ok. There we are.

If there's anything
else, just ask!

Not again! We're having problems
with our receptionist. How can I help you?

I wanted to see my wife,
Carole. So you're the one.

I know what you must all think
of me. I've been a fool, I admit it.

If I could see her, plead for another
chance, catch a glimpse of my son.

You haven't seen
the baby? ..Never.

I may be breaking a few rules, but
we need a human side, don't we?

Why don't you look in
the bottom left drawer?

What? Go on. It won't bite!

Take a look!

It's a baby. Carole's.
Carole's! But that's not...

It is. I'm not supposed
to know, but it's hers.

Derrick, I may be out of line here,
but may I make a little suggestion?

Why don't you, Carole and I get together and
discuss all this over a cup of tea? Sorry?

This impotence business.

Believe me, it can
happen to a bishop!

But it's no reason to
leave a marriage. What!

Just cos you couldn't do it at
some office party. She said that?

We share problems here. It's the glue
which binds us. We're close and caring.

Everyone knows? Mr brittas!

Not just now, Tim. I'm busy. No,
I think you need to hear this one.

I'll be back soon,
Derrick. Take a magazine.

Mrs Walsh's baby's been stolen.

I just left him in his buggy for a few
seconds. You're sure? Just a few seconds!

Is that the police? Um, Tim...

Hello, sergeant, it's the leisure
centre here... yes, it is me.

There. How do I look? He'll be
eating out of your hand. Really?

You look marvellous.
Don't forget this.

He's got a clean babygro and all. I found some
washing-up liquid and dried him in the solarium.

Oh, thank you. Thank you all.

Everything will
be all right, Ben.

Daddy's coming home.

Hello, Derrick.

You bastard!

Derrick?

I wouldn't return to you if you were
the last woman on earth. Derrick!

How could you?

Derrick...

Why didn't you tell me?

♪ Swing low, sweet chariot... ♪ see if you can
find this young man's mother, Colin. Right.

Carole, I forgot to tell you your
husband's arrived... Where'd he go?

He left. What? He's gone.

But why would he...? Carole, what
did you say? I said, "hello, Derrick".

It must have been
the way I said it.

Carole is inconsolable

clears throat right, one last
word before I hand you over.

You will have received my
memo about problem surgeries.

I was supposed to see Patrick and mrs delgardo this
evening, but they're poorly and have gone home.

So if anyone wants to
share an urgent problem,

there are two free
sessions after this lecture.

Now, let me put you in the
capable hands of Ken Owen

for some practical advice on ways
to avoid stress. Over to you, Kenneth.

Thank you. Can I have the lights
down, please? That's two clicks, Angie.

And the first
slide? Three clicks.

Oh, that's me!

Ah. Lights! Five clicks, Angie!

I feel slightly responsible here. I assumed
you'd reverse them and load them upside-down.

So,

300 slides and
they're all wrong.

Well, we could...

Carousels bounce

that should save time. Ken... And without
slides, we won't need our projector.

Ken, I think you've
made your point.

No. I'm just coming to it. All these
years of lecturing on special exercises,

but frankly, under real stress,

you can't beat
the old favourites.

Washed down with some of this.

And if that doesn't work fast
enough, try the little green ones.

Great!

But the most therapeutic thing
is to grab the twit who caused it,

and knock the shit out of him!

We won't invite
him back again. No.

Same as last week's
flower-arranger.

You'd think a stress expert could
handle upside-down slides. Yes.

I thought he was illustrating the damage stress
can do, but it was the real thing. It was.

I'm not well. It's a virus!
Look, I'll be better in a minute.

Mr brittas? Yes?

We've lost our son. He was looking for
lost property. The lad who stole the tie?

He's run away.
Did he give a clue?

No, he just went off with the tie.
Thank you. We mustn't detain you.

Come on, Doreen. It's all your
fault. You and your standards.

Come on, we've
got homes to go to.

Often, sometimes, never.

Never. (Goodnight!) Door shuts

oh! Not in bed? No, darling,
just finishing this quiz thing.

"How strong is your marriage?"

We scored 89 out of 90.
That's nice. Had a good day?

Not too bad. The
lecturer was disappointing.

What about you? Oh, fine.

I can tell by looking
at you. Can you?

You've got a glow! I always
find it invigorating - London.

Despite humping a
73-year-old around all day, eh?

That's a nurse's uniform.
Yes! And you're not a nurse.

No. I slip into it sometimes at
uncle Simon's. It reassures him.

Is it comfortable? It
looks tight. It is quite, yes.

Keeps his pecker up, poor thing.

God, we're lucky. Are we?

I've seen families
fall apart all day.

Husbands left. Parents
fought. Children left.

And on the way home, I
thought, god, we're lucky.

I think I'll turn in now.

We're successful because we talk
to each other. We say how we feel.

That's important, isn't
it? See you upstairs.

Helen? Mmm?

I was thinking, with both children
away, we could have an early night.

I'm a bit tired, Gordon. You said
invigorated. Invigorated, but tired.

Yes, of course. Actually I've got things to sort
out for tomorrow anyway. Goodnight, then. Goodnight.

89 out of 90.

"Score over 80? You
are the lucky ones.

"You have a level of passion
and romance that most of us envy."

What about that, darling? It says
it here: "You are the lucky ones"!