The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 1, Episode 2 - Opening Day - full transcript
Mr. Brittas takes charge of preparations for the official opening of Whitbury Leisure Center, with a royal visit: the Duchess of Kent. Alas the builders hate Gordon so much they don't bother to tell him that the brand new pool is leaking. The heating is operated by a boiler man Barnes (retired from the Navy), who takes Brittas' instructions to heat the pool 'at war speed' literally. The electrician, who should have taken care of a malfunctioning automatic door, gets sent away and a well-meaning boy scout is commandeered in his place. The Duchess is walking straight into a war zone.
At 12.45, the limousine
will draw up outside.
I will go out to meet the duchess, say a few
words to put her at ease and escort her inside...
Once inside, I will introduce
the members of our staff.
Very good. Yes,
very smart, Linda.
Which brings me to another
general point - personal freshness.
Maybe we were in a hurry today
and weren't quite scrupulous...
But we have to
think of others...
There's a can of right guard
in the locker. Then, at 12.48...
You're wearing
stockings! Tights.
Well, it's cold out here.
Our heating system cost
£500,000! It's those doors, mr brittas.
Chorus of complaints all right!
So there's a bit of a draught... Shall I have someone
look at them? No need - they close eventually.
Be patient till
they close again.
Right, at 12.48 I bring her
over to reception, where Carole...
..Sorry, mr brittas! Where Carole
gives her a few words of welcome.
Welcome to our leisure
centre, your royal highness...
We hope you enjoy your
visit. Do we get a smile?
Splendid... everything all
right at home? Y-e-s, mr brittas.
Then we move to... where's William? Off sick. Gavin's
taking his place. But Gavin's not black, is he!?
I'm sorry...? It's
not your fault,
but in my speech I explain that we have a
staff representative of all colours and creeds.
But there's only
one colour in sight.
You could say something else. Does anyone know a
black person who can help? Come on, someone must.
The baptist church has a choir.
We don't want to flood the place!
Gavin, what about that chap I saw you
with? I'm sorry...? In the pub on Tuesday.
Oh, I... You said you went to your
mum's! You must have made a mistake.
No. Tall, good-looking black chap.
I've got a friend who might help.
I'm sorry!
Er, Laura, call an electrician. Something's
wrong with those doors. Colin...
That looks nice. Thank you.
You're not staying? I can't.
My youngest has suspected concussion.
I'll be at the hospital. I'm sorry...
Oh, it's probably nothing.
How's it going downstairs?
Fine. Good. Mr brittas is dealing with
the problems. Why don't you leave?
Sorry...? While you
can! How do you mean?
Your whole life's ahead of you!
But I... you think something's
going to happen? Yes.
But he planned
everything. Exactly!
Your little boy hasn't got
concussion at all, has he? No.
When my husband deals with
problems, you just get bigger problems.
Problems, problems! Hello,
darling. Excuse me, Laura.
No wonder it's so cold - the boilerman hasn't
a clue how to programme the automatic hopper!
And I haven't read
the whole manual.
Heating... you've a new boilerman?
We've replaced quite a few staff.
What's wrong with the new boilerman?
Just some shrapnel in his head.
Good morning. I want to
hire some industrial heaters.
..I'll take them all... I'd better
collect them, then. How big are they?
..So that's seven cars, two people
to a car. 14 people! Oh, dear...
Why not give him a shovel? Sorry?
Forget about the automatic hopper.
I'll get back to you.
She's not just a pretty face!
There's a little
brain there, too!
A shovel! So simple! I'll tell him. No, I'll
do it. He has a war wound. So Laura said.
Well, I can't stand around gossiping...
what's that!? It's just a bit of...
Laura, send out for some carbon
tetrachloride. It's all under control, dear.
A wonderful woman!
Well, I'll go and fire
up the boilerman.
And stop him encouraging people! Has he given
his staff talk yet? Yes. Did anyone walk out?
Three. Oh... it was 14 at aldershot.
Oh, I shouldn't have said anything.
I'm sure everything
will be fine. Fine...
Whistles cheerfully
phone rings
ring ring
hello?
..Yes, I know it's cold, but if I'm
given two minutes I may be able to fix it!
Ah... hello. Mr Barnes...
Hello? Mr Barnes!
No more worry about all these
buttons. I've brought you this.
We have a boiler here, and
several tons of anthracite here.
Need I say more?
..Right, I'll say a bit more. I want you to
shovel it by hand, mr Barnes, using this.
It's chief stoker
Barnes, isn't it?
I've come down from the bridge,
chiefie, with a message from the admiral.
We're chasing
some enemy cruisers.
But we desperately need more steam.
You're the only man who can help us.
Can you do it? Aye-aye, sir!
Good man!
Don't forget, the whole
ship's relying on you.
Sir!
Mr brittas! Angie. Michael will be here in half an
hour. Michael? Laura's west Indian friend. Oh, yes.
And the builders would like to see you in the
swimming pool. Finished at last, have they?
Oh, I sorted out mr Barnes. It's a question of
knowing how to deal with these people... oh, look!
All over the building, small groups like that are
preparing to show what the centre's all about.
Real people, enjoying themselves. I must
just give them a few words of encouragement.
Er, mr brittas...
You have something to show
and teach us normal people.
Now, in some parts of the world,
it's acceptable to be overweight.
But you have decided to fight back
and say, "no, I am not grotesque."
And I applaud that, I really do.
It shows that, with cheerfulness and
enthusiasm, we can overcome any stigma.
So keep up the good work,
ladies, and on with the dance!
Stunned silence
'salt of the earth,
those people.'
right, the swimming pool.
Lads, we have to tell him. It looks
all right to me. I know how you feel.
But if the lining's cracked...
Brown owl won't like
it. Can't we just leave it?
Look, by tomorrow his leisure
centre will float off down the high street!
We may not like the man,
but does anyone deserve that?
Ah, would that we all had
time for tea breaks. Mr brittas...
So it's all finished, eh, at last?
Tell Colin to bring the children in.
We worked all night to finish it. Good...
now, a word in your ear if I may, Patrick.
Your lads haven't had recourse to soap or a razor
this morning... They've been working all night!
I have to mention cleanliness.
My problem is the duchess of Kent.
Eh!? She deserves better than being greeted
by people who haven't bothered to shave.
I'll fit you in the
background... What's that!?
Colin! Wait here!
They're not ours!
They got in through the fire doors! This is a centre
for the community! People can't just stroll in!
But... oi, you! Out!!
Laura, secure the fire doors.
The padlocks are in my office.
Mr brittas. Quickly!
Can I meet her?
No. Your place is up there.
But she's my favourite royal! If
I could just shake her hand. No!
Why not!? I think
you know why not.
It's nearly healed!
It's visibly suppurating!
That's banana
poultice. There's no pus.
You are not shaking her hand! Yes, mr brittas...
now, make sure these children get changed.
The pool's all right, then? Yes...
The builders were a bit worried.
They said nothing
to me. Patrick...
They've gone. That's the third
group of people to leave today!
Maybe the duchess
was a bad choice.
I feel let down. I know. Why
say he was at his mother's...
Anyone seen brittas? What?
It's getting hot! The toffee crisps
have melted in the vending machine!
Are you all right, Tim? He's
still upset. Oh, of course.
But there's no need to worry. No(?) He probably just
met someone for a drink on his way to his mum's.
He never told me! You never gave him a chance! You
think that's all it was? Yeah, I'm sure. Eh, Linda?
'Course it was. Thanks.
I feel much better now.
I was only trying to cheer her up.
No-one told me the dog had died!
Have we got time to sit around(?)
Mr brittas... in a minute, Linda.
Tim, can I have a word?
That was a bit out of character this morning.
Sorry? You were a bit tetchy in the line-up.
Oh, that's all sorted out now. Was Gavin meant
to be doing something with you? Sort of...
Life's too short to get
worried about things like that.
If I had a pound for every time someone never
turned up to meet me I'd be Paul getty Jr. really?
I was unmarried once myself.
Have a few drinks with my mates and wake up at
3am on the floor of some total stranger's flat.
And what does it matter, eh?
It's not as if you're
married to the man.
Linda, what can we do for you?
..The vending machine?
Baby crying sshhh.
Hello. I've come about
the doors. Oh, good.
They're not closing properly.
I'll just get my tools. Ok.
One minute it's too cold, the next it's too hot!
Tell them to make up their minds! Yes, mr brittas.
..Carole!
What is going on here!?
Nothing, mr brittas... I swear.
Let's have it on the desk. I don't
know what you mean. On the desk!
I... i know you
told me to... Carole!
But if I don't feed on
demand... Carole... Carole!
We cannot be feeding our babies
when the duchess comes through...
Who's that!? Laura was talking to him. We can't
have the duchess meeting people dressed like that!
I'm sorry...
What? We don't
need you after all.
But... the fact is... How
much do we owe you?
Call out fee's £25. £25!?
All right, £25. Here we go...
Would you like a receipt?
No, just goodbye, thank you.
Come on, Carole, out you go.
Mr brittas, if I lose my job...!
You won't! Just
take the baby away.
Yes, mr brittas. And remember
what I said about inner Serenity.
Think calm. Yes, Mr... Aieee!
Carole... open the door! It's
no good pulling the doors. Think.
Huh!? The infra-red
beam. Use the magic eye.
Now you're thinking! Now...
Don't come near
me or I'll kill you!
Are you sure the pool's ok? What!? Well, we keep
pouring the water in... all right, Colin, stay calm!!
Colin, would you take Carole home? It's probably
just hormones, but she's somewhat hysterical.
Right, mr brittas.
Laura asked me to give you these... One
thing at a time. Just get her home. Right...
Phone rings
brittas here...
What's the problem?
Inaudible
he says keep filling it. I just
wish I knew where it was all going.
What's going on!?
It's the saga badminton team.
Some of them have got heatstroke.
Heatstroke!? It's even hotter downstairs. Open a
window! They're sealed for the air-conditioning.
What(?) ..Yes, so they are.
Why don't you turn the TV on?
Find them a cartoon or something.
You - like -
cartoons? Jolly - good.
Hello, mr Barnes. Could you...?
..Yes, this is the captain here.
Yes, speaking from the bridge.
What is it? He
thinks we're sinking.
It's a bit too hot. I
wonder if... Aargghhh!!
Are you all right, captain, sir?
That's for the duchess!
Well, I'm hungry!
The ambulance brought them here at five
this morning. Well, you'll have to wait!
TV battle can be heard
I'll give you power, captain!
Sorry about that, Barnes...
Barnes? Barnes!? I don't believe it!
Shall I have a word with
him? No, this calls for tact.
Hello?
Hello...?
Oh, my god! Linda,
there's been an accident!
Quick!
What are you doing...? He's unconscious!
Electric shock! Right, stand back.
He's unconscious.
Get Laura. Right!
He needs air. Open the doors.
They're jammed, mr brittas!
Shall I call an electrician? We
already did! Gavin, see if he's here.
Open the fire doors.
They're locked!
What is it? There's been an
accident... aaahhh!! Michael!!
He's just... what have you
done to him!? Michael!?
We need to open the fire doors.
What!? The fire doors. You told
me to lock them! Can I have the keys?
You've got them! I haven't! I told
Colin to give you them. Where's Colin?
Faintly: I've taken
her home, mr brittas.
Do you have the fire door keys?
Sorry? The keys
to the fire doors!
Right here. Well,
give them to...
Bring it round... stay there!
Laura, go up to my office...
Linda, go to my office and get the architect's
plans. Plans? There must be another way out. Ok.
I've got your electrician.
He's a boy scout!
I've got my badge!
Can you fix that?
Somebody's poked the wires out!
Can you put the bloody things back!?
Ok, I'll just screw
them back in.
Wonderful! Try the boiler room.
Tell him to switch the heat off. Right.
I won't let you down, captain.
Come on, come on!
Still no reply. Never mind.
There must be a way out of
here. Call the fire brigade! What!?
They can break the door down.
The duchess is due in two minutes and you suggest
we greet her with broken glass on the floor(?)
We have to do something!
We just have to wait for Kevin...
We're all going to die!
How much longer? One more wire.
There you are! One more wire!
Then we'll feel
the cool fresh air.
Mr brittas. What? It's Colin. What does
he want!? To tell you the duchess is here.
She's here! Quick, into line! Quick,
everyone, into line! Into line, into line!
Don't you shake her hand!
Don't you... oh, my god!
Shouldn't you open the doors now? If I could
open the bloody doors I'd have done it by now!
Good afternoon, your majesty.
We're having some trouble with the doors
but should be able to open them in about...
Ten seconds. Then I shall...
Oh, my god! What
is it? He's fainted.
I've got it!
Into line, quick!
Into line, everyone!
Colin, bring her majesty
through the boiler room.
will draw up outside.
I will go out to meet the duchess, say a few
words to put her at ease and escort her inside...
Once inside, I will introduce
the members of our staff.
Very good. Yes,
very smart, Linda.
Which brings me to another
general point - personal freshness.
Maybe we were in a hurry today
and weren't quite scrupulous...
But we have to
think of others...
There's a can of right guard
in the locker. Then, at 12.48...
You're wearing
stockings! Tights.
Well, it's cold out here.
Our heating system cost
£500,000! It's those doors, mr brittas.
Chorus of complaints all right!
So there's a bit of a draught... Shall I have someone
look at them? No need - they close eventually.
Be patient till
they close again.
Right, at 12.48 I bring her
over to reception, where Carole...
..Sorry, mr brittas! Where Carole
gives her a few words of welcome.
Welcome to our leisure
centre, your royal highness...
We hope you enjoy your
visit. Do we get a smile?
Splendid... everything all
right at home? Y-e-s, mr brittas.
Then we move to... where's William? Off sick. Gavin's
taking his place. But Gavin's not black, is he!?
I'm sorry...? It's
not your fault,
but in my speech I explain that we have a
staff representative of all colours and creeds.
But there's only
one colour in sight.
You could say something else. Does anyone know a
black person who can help? Come on, someone must.
The baptist church has a choir.
We don't want to flood the place!
Gavin, what about that chap I saw you
with? I'm sorry...? In the pub on Tuesday.
Oh, I... You said you went to your
mum's! You must have made a mistake.
No. Tall, good-looking black chap.
I've got a friend who might help.
I'm sorry!
Er, Laura, call an electrician. Something's
wrong with those doors. Colin...
That looks nice. Thank you.
You're not staying? I can't.
My youngest has suspected concussion.
I'll be at the hospital. I'm sorry...
Oh, it's probably nothing.
How's it going downstairs?
Fine. Good. Mr brittas is dealing with
the problems. Why don't you leave?
Sorry...? While you
can! How do you mean?
Your whole life's ahead of you!
But I... you think something's
going to happen? Yes.
But he planned
everything. Exactly!
Your little boy hasn't got
concussion at all, has he? No.
When my husband deals with
problems, you just get bigger problems.
Problems, problems! Hello,
darling. Excuse me, Laura.
No wonder it's so cold - the boilerman hasn't
a clue how to programme the automatic hopper!
And I haven't read
the whole manual.
Heating... you've a new boilerman?
We've replaced quite a few staff.
What's wrong with the new boilerman?
Just some shrapnel in his head.
Good morning. I want to
hire some industrial heaters.
..I'll take them all... I'd better
collect them, then. How big are they?
..So that's seven cars, two people
to a car. 14 people! Oh, dear...
Why not give him a shovel? Sorry?
Forget about the automatic hopper.
I'll get back to you.
She's not just a pretty face!
There's a little
brain there, too!
A shovel! So simple! I'll tell him. No, I'll
do it. He has a war wound. So Laura said.
Well, I can't stand around gossiping...
what's that!? It's just a bit of...
Laura, send out for some carbon
tetrachloride. It's all under control, dear.
A wonderful woman!
Well, I'll go and fire
up the boilerman.
And stop him encouraging people! Has he given
his staff talk yet? Yes. Did anyone walk out?
Three. Oh... it was 14 at aldershot.
Oh, I shouldn't have said anything.
I'm sure everything
will be fine. Fine...
Whistles cheerfully
phone rings
ring ring
hello?
..Yes, I know it's cold, but if I'm
given two minutes I may be able to fix it!
Ah... hello. Mr Barnes...
Hello? Mr Barnes!
No more worry about all these
buttons. I've brought you this.
We have a boiler here, and
several tons of anthracite here.
Need I say more?
..Right, I'll say a bit more. I want you to
shovel it by hand, mr Barnes, using this.
It's chief stoker
Barnes, isn't it?
I've come down from the bridge,
chiefie, with a message from the admiral.
We're chasing
some enemy cruisers.
But we desperately need more steam.
You're the only man who can help us.
Can you do it? Aye-aye, sir!
Good man!
Don't forget, the whole
ship's relying on you.
Sir!
Mr brittas! Angie. Michael will be here in half an
hour. Michael? Laura's west Indian friend. Oh, yes.
And the builders would like to see you in the
swimming pool. Finished at last, have they?
Oh, I sorted out mr Barnes. It's a question of
knowing how to deal with these people... oh, look!
All over the building, small groups like that are
preparing to show what the centre's all about.
Real people, enjoying themselves. I must
just give them a few words of encouragement.
Er, mr brittas...
You have something to show
and teach us normal people.
Now, in some parts of the world,
it's acceptable to be overweight.
But you have decided to fight back
and say, "no, I am not grotesque."
And I applaud that, I really do.
It shows that, with cheerfulness and
enthusiasm, we can overcome any stigma.
So keep up the good work,
ladies, and on with the dance!
Stunned silence
'salt of the earth,
those people.'
right, the swimming pool.
Lads, we have to tell him. It looks
all right to me. I know how you feel.
But if the lining's cracked...
Brown owl won't like
it. Can't we just leave it?
Look, by tomorrow his leisure
centre will float off down the high street!
We may not like the man,
but does anyone deserve that?
Ah, would that we all had
time for tea breaks. Mr brittas...
So it's all finished, eh, at last?
Tell Colin to bring the children in.
We worked all night to finish it. Good...
now, a word in your ear if I may, Patrick.
Your lads haven't had recourse to soap or a razor
this morning... They've been working all night!
I have to mention cleanliness.
My problem is the duchess of Kent.
Eh!? She deserves better than being greeted
by people who haven't bothered to shave.
I'll fit you in the
background... What's that!?
Colin! Wait here!
They're not ours!
They got in through the fire doors! This is a centre
for the community! People can't just stroll in!
But... oi, you! Out!!
Laura, secure the fire doors.
The padlocks are in my office.
Mr brittas. Quickly!
Can I meet her?
No. Your place is up there.
But she's my favourite royal! If
I could just shake her hand. No!
Why not!? I think
you know why not.
It's nearly healed!
It's visibly suppurating!
That's banana
poultice. There's no pus.
You are not shaking her hand! Yes, mr brittas...
now, make sure these children get changed.
The pool's all right, then? Yes...
The builders were a bit worried.
They said nothing
to me. Patrick...
They've gone. That's the third
group of people to leave today!
Maybe the duchess
was a bad choice.
I feel let down. I know. Why
say he was at his mother's...
Anyone seen brittas? What?
It's getting hot! The toffee crisps
have melted in the vending machine!
Are you all right, Tim? He's
still upset. Oh, of course.
But there's no need to worry. No(?) He probably just
met someone for a drink on his way to his mum's.
He never told me! You never gave him a chance! You
think that's all it was? Yeah, I'm sure. Eh, Linda?
'Course it was. Thanks.
I feel much better now.
I was only trying to cheer her up.
No-one told me the dog had died!
Have we got time to sit around(?)
Mr brittas... in a minute, Linda.
Tim, can I have a word?
That was a bit out of character this morning.
Sorry? You were a bit tetchy in the line-up.
Oh, that's all sorted out now. Was Gavin meant
to be doing something with you? Sort of...
Life's too short to get
worried about things like that.
If I had a pound for every time someone never
turned up to meet me I'd be Paul getty Jr. really?
I was unmarried once myself.
Have a few drinks with my mates and wake up at
3am on the floor of some total stranger's flat.
And what does it matter, eh?
It's not as if you're
married to the man.
Linda, what can we do for you?
..The vending machine?
Baby crying sshhh.
Hello. I've come about
the doors. Oh, good.
They're not closing properly.
I'll just get my tools. Ok.
One minute it's too cold, the next it's too hot!
Tell them to make up their minds! Yes, mr brittas.
..Carole!
What is going on here!?
Nothing, mr brittas... I swear.
Let's have it on the desk. I don't
know what you mean. On the desk!
I... i know you
told me to... Carole!
But if I don't feed on
demand... Carole... Carole!
We cannot be feeding our babies
when the duchess comes through...
Who's that!? Laura was talking to him. We can't
have the duchess meeting people dressed like that!
I'm sorry...
What? We don't
need you after all.
But... the fact is... How
much do we owe you?
Call out fee's £25. £25!?
All right, £25. Here we go...
Would you like a receipt?
No, just goodbye, thank you.
Come on, Carole, out you go.
Mr brittas, if I lose my job...!
You won't! Just
take the baby away.
Yes, mr brittas. And remember
what I said about inner Serenity.
Think calm. Yes, Mr... Aieee!
Carole... open the door! It's
no good pulling the doors. Think.
Huh!? The infra-red
beam. Use the magic eye.
Now you're thinking! Now...
Don't come near
me or I'll kill you!
Are you sure the pool's ok? What!? Well, we keep
pouring the water in... all right, Colin, stay calm!!
Colin, would you take Carole home? It's probably
just hormones, but she's somewhat hysterical.
Right, mr brittas.
Laura asked me to give you these... One
thing at a time. Just get her home. Right...
Phone rings
brittas here...
What's the problem?
Inaudible
he says keep filling it. I just
wish I knew where it was all going.
What's going on!?
It's the saga badminton team.
Some of them have got heatstroke.
Heatstroke!? It's even hotter downstairs. Open a
window! They're sealed for the air-conditioning.
What(?) ..Yes, so they are.
Why don't you turn the TV on?
Find them a cartoon or something.
You - like -
cartoons? Jolly - good.
Hello, mr Barnes. Could you...?
..Yes, this is the captain here.
Yes, speaking from the bridge.
What is it? He
thinks we're sinking.
It's a bit too hot. I
wonder if... Aargghhh!!
Are you all right, captain, sir?
That's for the duchess!
Well, I'm hungry!
The ambulance brought them here at five
this morning. Well, you'll have to wait!
TV battle can be heard
I'll give you power, captain!
Sorry about that, Barnes...
Barnes? Barnes!? I don't believe it!
Shall I have a word with
him? No, this calls for tact.
Hello?
Hello...?
Oh, my god! Linda,
there's been an accident!
Quick!
What are you doing...? He's unconscious!
Electric shock! Right, stand back.
He's unconscious.
Get Laura. Right!
He needs air. Open the doors.
They're jammed, mr brittas!
Shall I call an electrician? We
already did! Gavin, see if he's here.
Open the fire doors.
They're locked!
What is it? There's been an
accident... aaahhh!! Michael!!
He's just... what have you
done to him!? Michael!?
We need to open the fire doors.
What!? The fire doors. You told
me to lock them! Can I have the keys?
You've got them! I haven't! I told
Colin to give you them. Where's Colin?
Faintly: I've taken
her home, mr brittas.
Do you have the fire door keys?
Sorry? The keys
to the fire doors!
Right here. Well,
give them to...
Bring it round... stay there!
Laura, go up to my office...
Linda, go to my office and get the architect's
plans. Plans? There must be another way out. Ok.
I've got your electrician.
He's a boy scout!
I've got my badge!
Can you fix that?
Somebody's poked the wires out!
Can you put the bloody things back!?
Ok, I'll just screw
them back in.
Wonderful! Try the boiler room.
Tell him to switch the heat off. Right.
I won't let you down, captain.
Come on, come on!
Still no reply. Never mind.
There must be a way out of
here. Call the fire brigade! What!?
They can break the door down.
The duchess is due in two minutes and you suggest
we greet her with broken glass on the floor(?)
We have to do something!
We just have to wait for Kevin...
We're all going to die!
How much longer? One more wire.
There you are! One more wire!
Then we'll feel
the cool fresh air.
Mr brittas. What? It's Colin. What does
he want!? To tell you the duchess is here.
She's here! Quick, into line! Quick,
everyone, into line! Into line, into line!
Don't you shake her hand!
Don't you... oh, my god!
Shouldn't you open the doors now? If I could
open the bloody doors I'd have done it by now!
Good afternoon, your majesty.
We're having some trouble with the doors
but should be able to open them in about...
Ten seconds. Then I shall...
Oh, my god! What
is it? He's fainted.
I've got it!
Into line, quick!
Into line, everyone!
Colin, bring her majesty
through the boiler room.