The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 1, Episode 1 - Laying the Foundations - full transcript

How do I look? You look
fine, dear. Very smart.

First day. Got to set standards.

We're lucky. We've got so much.

Each other, the job, the children.
Who's the little one? That's Tom.

No, no, I meant this chap here.
Must be the little boy from next door.

I'll just tell them I'm off. Must
you? They're enjoying themselves!

Oh, dear.

Good morning,
good morning, lads.

Allow me, with the benefit of my experience,
to show you how to improve your game.

You just stand
over there, right?

Feet apart. Ok, big lad,
give me one. Send one down.



You see? That's the kind
of... You want to follow through.

Dad! Give me the bat
back. You'll ruin the game.

Give me the bat back.

No! Give me it back. No. I've
not finished my demonstration.

Doorbell rings

hello, I'm from next door. I'm afraid
my boy has got into your garden.

Do come in! He's yours, is he?

There's a hole in the fence. I hope he's not
being a nuisance. No! They're playing beautifully.

I've had to confiscate this. He can
have it back when he apologises. This is...

Pam. Pam shields. Hello.

Thoroughly unpleasant child. I
must block up that hole in the fence.

Could I have my son's birthday
present back, please? Oh... Ah...

You don't want to be late. No.

Of course not. I thought I might ask a few
of the staff back here this evening. Fine.



Say... thirty? I'll do sandwiches.
Perfect. Wonderful, isn't she?

Bye, bye, darling.
Nice to have met you.

I'll collect my son.

Pam, I'm sorry. I'm afraid my
husband's... he doesn't mean...

Would you like a drink?

I've just had a coffee. I was
thinking of something stronger.

I'd like to explain about Gordon
and it's easier over a drink.

Cement mixer in action

clanking of building work

Ah, excuse me.

If you could spare a
moment? Yes, you.

Good morning.

Did you notice what you did
with your cigarette packet then?

Thought not. You
threw it on the ground.

This isn't the time to discuss
how smoking damages your health,

but litter is another matter.

I'd be grateful if you'd pick it up and put it in
one of the many bins you've erected for that purpose.

Ah, is that for pointing?

Cos I think you'll find there's too much sand
in it. Don't want the place crumbling away!

There's another one over here.

Good morning!

We're not open till Thursday.

I'm Gordon brittas, the manager.

I'm so sorry, it's
just... You are?

Carole. Carole, yes. If anyone wants
me I'll be in my office. Yes, mr brittas.

It may seem a small point, but
the face we present is important.

Yes, mr brittas. And when people enter, you are
the one who creates that vital first impression.

There's a little rule of thumb I've always
found useful. The first thing we do is smile...

Then we say, "how can I
help you?" How can I help you?

It draws people in. Point taken?

Yes, mr brittas. Good.
These'll make you feel better.

What's wrong here?
She's feeling down.

No, no, think again.
What? Coffee cup.

Cups leave little stains
and we don't want that.

Pardon? She'll be careful.

The point is, though,
we have to have rules.

She needs to take two aspirin. Let's make that the
first new rule. No beverages outside the rest room.

She's not well, actually. I've
no doubt about that. The point...

I'm all right. She's
not. Can I help?

Let her have her coffee. Carole
won't want stains here either.

Have you any idea what she's been through?
It's ok. She had a baby 3 weeks ago.

She has post-natal depression. Her husband's
gone to Spain with her best friend. All right.

Let's have a compromise.

How about Carole drinks
it in the car park? All right?

Knock at door hello?

Is this the manager's office?
That's right. You must be Colin!

Laura Lansing.
Deputy manager dry.

Colin weatherby. Deputy
manager wet. This is very exciting.

Would you like coffee and a
biscuit? No, I never take caffeine

and the gluten takes the edge
off my fitness programme. I see.

If you fill your body with poisons you can't expect
it to operate at full potential. I suppose not.

Sorry I'm late. Slight crisis
down at reception. Gordon brittas.

You must be Laura. That's right.
Good to have you on the team.

And this is?

I'm Colin. Deputy
wet. Colin...? Yes.

Colin. So, you've got two pe degrees
and a diploma in physical studies.

Advanced homoeopathy councillor, and author
of "how to achieve peak fitness". That's me!

Yes, well, welcome
aboard. Let's get down to it.

If we're to open next
Thursday we've got a lot to do.

I've already made out
an agenda... What's this?

This is a rough timetable I've made for my
department. Good. What method have you used? Pardon?

For working out the roster.
Dalhouse? Black and wattis? Oh, em...

No, I asked people what
they wanted to do. Ye-s.

Well, with respect, I think this is
more scientific. I used sternheim

so it should be comprehensively balanced, although
I'll welcome any suggestions. Right, mr brittas.

Gordon, please. We are, after all, just one
extended family, yes? Yes... Mr brittas.

Right, we have a staff meeting at 11 o'clock.
Most of them are in the rest room. Splendid.

But first... what's that smell?

It could be my
herbal poultice. Ah...

I cut it on a tin of mung beans and it's still
suppurating away. It doesn't want to heal up. Quite.

First, I thought we
could tour the site...

If you could wait outside?

And if you could shut the door.

That was mrs dapping.

Councillor dapping, head of the
recreation committee. Mrs dapping, come in!

I don't want to interrupt. Of course not. But
I've always taken an interest in the centre

and I wondered if... you're always welcome! We're
about to do a tour to see how work is coming along.

That's what was worrying me.
What? There isn't any building going on.

Apparently, one of your staff was rude to a
builder and they're holding a strike meeting.

Whoo!

Come on, Colin,
let's sort this out!

But mother, Derrick hasn't
been paying the mortgage.

Yes, I should have checked, but I know
you've got some money and I was wondering...

Are you sure that was wise? I will not
have blaspheming while I'm in charge.

I'll tell the staff while you
explain things to the site manager.

Go back out there? On my own?!

Just tell him what happened and
what we expect of him. What is that?

If his men moderate their language
they can have their shovels back.

It's not marriage
guidance I need, it's £700.

I'll just pop upstairs then
be right with you. Thanks.

Look at you. Have a tissue.

Forgotten already, have we? What? Remember?
Coffee cups? I thought we'd sorted this one out.

I don't believe it. We don't want cups of coffee...
ok! We don't want coffee cups in reception.

There you are. No
coffee in that cup.

Nor in those either. Does that
help? It certainly helped me!

Carole, could someone
clear this up please?

Yes, mr brittas. I can't talk to
you now. And remember, "how..."

..Can I help you?
And a smile, Carole.

Morning all! Everyone
bright-eyed and bushy tailed?

We've had to postpone the staff meeting
because of a slight problem with the builders.

However, here's the staff roster.
Perhaps you'd like to take a look at it.

Mr brittas? Yes. Neil pettit. I'd just like to say
I'm looking forward to working here. Excellent.

Let's hope everyone feels that way. I think they
do. We... Hasn't there been a mistake? What?

It's got me assisting in the pool
every day. What about table tennis?

What about table tennis? It's what I was hired
for. I've been put on the pool every day.

That's what it says...
But that's crazy.

I reached the national
semi-finals as an under-16.

We played the Toyota paint
spray shop in Kobe last year.

I'll look at it for next season. At
the moment, you're on the pool.

I wonder if I could
have a word? You are?

Tim. And I'm Linda. Yes.

Well? It's about
my free periods.

I've been
scrupulously fair, Tim.

I'm sure, but I'd like to be off on Tuesday and
Thursday afternoons. Can I swap with Linda? No.

I don't mind, if it helps Tim.
Linda, I put a lot of work into that.

What if everyone wanted to change? Our swop won't
make any difference. Ye-s. That's why I'm in charge.

Who's doing it?
What? Table tennis.

No one. The money can be better used than in teaching
adolescents to tap a ball over a two inch net.

You're on the
pool. I can't swim!

Well, you've got till Thursday
to learn, haven't you?

Can Gavin change,
then? Who's Gavin? Hello.

You see, we spend a lot of time
together. We have the same hobbies.

We get on well together.
It would help a great deal.

I've explained the situation.

I've got a great deal of work and I can't stand
arguing about afternoons off. Now, Damien barker?

Yeah. Damien, can I have a word?

You're possibly wondering why
you're not down for pool duty. Sorry?

I've got your medical record here.
You'll understand. Understand what?

All right. You know and I know
that it can't be transmitted by water

but the public get uneasy
about... What are you talking about?

I'm talking about sexually
transmitted diseases. Sexually?

I don't have a sexually
transmitted disease! Your record...

You're absolutely right,
Damien. How very embarrassing.

Nigel redcliffe, please?

Nigel, a quick word.

I can't pay the mortgage, mr Wilson, I
told you. But I've got a 3-week old baby!

Some other arrangement?
What would you want me to do?

Who done that, Carole? Oh,
mrs delgardo. Hang on, mr Wilson.

I only done it half an
hour ago and look at it!

I'm terribly sorry. Could
you...? I suppose I'll have to.

Don't worry, I'll get hot water.

Keep him talking.
I'll get an ambulance.

Good grief! You! You haven't
finished yet. I haven't started. I...

No excuses! I'll do it in a minute,
but... I want this cleared up now.

There's no need to shout. What am I
to do to get things done? Cut an artery?

If people would
just stop moaning.

I didn't spill it. I cleaned that
floor once already this morning.

Look, I run this centre, you make sure it's not
knee-deep in cups. It doesn't sound too hard to me.

If you're such a bloody
expert you can clean it yourself!

But, mr Wilson, I
couldn't, it's... Carole!

Hang on, mr Wilson.
Remember what we said?

How...? Can I help you?

The smile, don't
forget the smile.

Mr Wilson, how can I help you?

No! I couldn't!

He's not quite what I expected.

Mr brittas? Yes.

No.

Of course, I was away when
the committee appointed him,

but they said he did a
reasonable interview. Really?

And he had a wonderful
reference from aldershot. I saw it.

They were sorry to lose him,

but as he was heading for the
top they couldn't stand in his way.

Maybe once he's... Settled
in, got to know us all...

Ye-s.

Yes. Oh, I'm sure you're right.

My god, it's chaos down there.

Laura, go down and help Colin. He's got a
nasty gash on the head from a shovel. Yes.

What's happened? I've got builders
who won't build, cleaners who won't clean.

Hello, police? Gordon brittas,
the leisure centre manager.

I'm afraid one of my staff seems to have had
a breakdown. An ambulance is a good idea (!)

And possibly a
qualified electrician.

At the moment he's wired himself up to
the emergency lighting circuit. Thanks.

You've been meeting
some of the staff?

Yes, I think we've got a good
team, once they settle down.

Mind you, one or two... yes?

You don't have to be Einstein to
see how they got the job. Pardon?

Well, take Colin for instance.
He's a classic case, I'm afraid.

What are you saying, mr brittas? Someone
realises they've got a bit of a chocolate teapot.

You can't fire people so you
encourage them to look for promotion.

That's why he had those
references. So that's how it happens.

And nothing we can do
about it. Nothing at all?

Not unless we play the same
dirty game. Ironic, isn't it?

He's wrapping the
wound in bay leaves.

Mr brittas, the cleaning lady's
husband is taking her home.

We'll just have to manage
without a cleaning lady today.

No, for good. Her husband is going
too and he's the heating engineer.

The building inspector can't give a worthiness
certificate unless the heating works.

Well, thank god
I got here today.

Imagine this happening yesterday
with no one to sort it out, eh?

Thank you.

Laura. Yes?

If brittas ever suggests he'd like a
job somewhere else let me know.

Yes. Yes, all right.

I'd be very happy to
write him a reference.

I think this is all we'll get. Oh?
We've had quite a few resignations.

Right.

Good afternoon, everyone,
sorry about the delay.

The latest news on our industrial dispute is
that I've put a few propositions to the builders

and I expect their
reply this evening.

Welcome to whitbury
new town leisure centre.

I'm sure we're all keen to get the new
team going and I'd like to invite you home

so we can get to know each
other in a relaxed atmosphere.

Eight o'clock - not before. Let me
know numbers after the meeting.

As you can see, there are many,
many things we need to talk about

but in view of today's events
I'd like to depart from my agenda

and share with you
an idea, a dream.

We live in a divided world.

A world where race is set against
race, the young against the old,

rich against poor, north against
south, and everyone against the Irish.

I believe we can
change all of that.

I believe we can do a lot more than just
provide entertainment for local people.

I believe we who hold the strings
can draw the community together...

What's that? A table tennis bat.

It could've killed someone.
It's been specially sharpened.

Look. Up there.

It's Neil. How do you fancy a
game of ping pong now, mr brittas?

Has he used all his bats? He's
got dozens. He loves table tennis.

Yes. Look, Neil, if you've got something
to say, come down here and say it.

It's too late for talking,
brittas. Let's play.

He's got a table-tennis table!

Screams

All right, which
one of you's brittas?

Gentlemen, how can I help you?

As I said, welcome to whitbury
new town leisure centre.

Has he always been
like that? I suppose so.

Not so much when he was
younger, but once promoted...

I remember once in runcorn. I saw him walk through
this yoga relaxation class - not stop at all.

By the time he'd given a
few words of encouragement

four women were having a
fist fight and the hall was on fire!

Doesn't it bother him? I
mean, doesn't he mind?

He doesn't actually know. Gordon has this idea that
he's the oil keeping the engine running smoothly.

So he pours himself liberally into
the gearbox. But he's not the oil.

He's a bag of grit.

Look, I came to give you these
from the garden. Lovely. Thanks.

I wondered if you wanted help
with the party. I nearly forgot!

Want a hand? Oh, thanks.

When did you do all this?

"June 1985."

I just take them out when I need them. Isn't
it dangerous to keep refreezing things?

Only if you eat them.
I'm home, darling.

Sorry I'm late, darling.
Rather a busy day. Hello, pat!

Good evening, mr brittas. Can I
get you a drink or are you going?

I'm just leaving.

Good, good. I'm sorry,
darling. What? The party.

I decided not to ask anyone
back. Rather a lot happening.

Never mind. I'll put them in the deep freeze. Could
you? Can't bear your good work to go to waste.

I'll just say goodnight
to the children.

Those tomatoes look manky. Get pat
to recommend a decent greengrocers.

It's always like that,
is it? Yes. Yes, it is.

It's extraordinary, he's...
Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.

Don't worry. I don't.
I'll take these, shall I?

No! When we have them he'll tell me how lucky he
is to have such a clever woman in the kitchen.

Gordon knows the importance of compliments.
He learnt it on a course. See you soon. Bye.

Jonathan can have it back when he
behaves in an adult manner. Right, dear.

How was today? One
or two teething troubles.

Good. There's a good team there,
once we get to know each other.

It's what I've dreamed of. I've got
the buildings, resources, authority.

We live in a divided world... Supper,
Gordon? No, I'll fix the car first.

What's wrong with it? Colin towed
me home. What's wrong with the car?

Just a practical joke.
First day high spirits.

What did they do? ..Shovelfuls...
A couple of shovelfuls of what?