The Brittas Empire (1991–1997): Season 2, Episode 5 - Mums and Dads - full transcript

Tape recorder: Up
and hold. And rest.

Oh!

Mr brittas? Your
piano's arrived.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes, I'll tell him.

Take it through. Where?

Down the corridor to the gymnasium
and just pop it onto the platform.

Could you give me a hand? Yes.

I'll take this end.

Carole, should you be doing this?
He was on his own. I'll do it. Ok.

I'll be all right when
I catch my breath.



You took your time. I was told
ten o'clock and it's... What is this?

We think it's a piano.

A man is coming from the Leningrad
conservatory to give a concert.

He deserves better than a
throw-out from the 'dog & duck'.

I ordered a concert grand. Sorry,
son. Don't son me! It's mr brittas to you.

Mr brittas. What's wrong? Nothing,
darling. Did I ask for this piano?

I did not. Put this heap back on
your Van and get me a proper one.

Gordon, this is your father!

Dad. Dad!

Why are you here? Sorry if I've
called at a bad time, mr brittas.

This is my dad, everyone. Why
have you brought a piano? It's for you.

I won't have room for it now I'm moving
into sheltered accommodation. Are you?

I took it to your house. I said
you'd prefer it in your office.

My mum died while I was playing
this. Your music as well, Gordon.



My piano was burnt. Yes, it was.

Helen spilled white spirit on it in the
garden by accident. What happened then?

It was a spark from a neighbour's bonfire. So it was.
When I got back from work it was a pile of ashes.

Thanks, dad. Glad you like it. So, this is
the new place. You've never been here?

No. I was hoping Gordon might show me round but he
hasn't got time. I've always got time for my old dad!

I just have to make one phone call. We
have a concert on here tonight. A concert?

Helen, a mug of tea and a biscuit. I'll be with
you in five minutes. Grand, son. Rest-room, Helen.

This is Carole.

Everything I am I owe to that man,
Laura. I must remember to thank him.

Get the piano people on the phone. I've already
rung. So where's my concert grand? It's been stolen.

What? They're bringing
another one from Cardiff.

Why isn't it here? They broke down and had to carry
the piano a mile to where they could hire another Van.

The man on the
phone was very sorry.

Julie, people do not spend good money on
concert tickets to watch a man being sorry.

Hello. Gordon brittas. Let
me make my position clear.

In three hours my gymnasium will be full of
hundreds of people, many of them influential,

expecting to hear
a piano recital.

It's arrived. What? The piano.

Not before time. I don't believe
it. Can't these people read?

Hello. Yes, the Van's outside. He's noticed
they've used the disabled parking space.

Two days without sleep? Mr
brittas will be careful what he says.

Piano's arrived. Yeah. Come
and watch. This should be good.

Crash

has he really got thirty staff? About that. And
all taking orders from my Gordon! It's amazing.

I think so. He's come a long way from jellicoe
mansions, romford. You're very proud of him. Yes.

Both of my boys have done well.
Both? Twins. Gordon and Horatio.

Oh. Horatio went
in to the church.

The place where they had the knife fight at lent.
Sounds like a rough area! Little chubblington? No...

They raise a lot of money for missionary
work. To send Horatio to the Lebanon. Yes.

Do you know what he's done? Gavin... He won't take
the piano unless... Gavin, this is mr brittas' father.

He's an idiot... what?!
My father-in-law.

Mr brittas. Jim, please. Hello.
Some sort of problem, is there?

No. Just... someone's upsetting
the piano movers rather a lot.

I'd get my Gordon on to that.
He's your man for sorting things out.

We're just going to
leave it here, are we?

Just 'cos someone happens to
care about the s. American rainforests!

Bad news, mr brittas, about
the flags. I'm very busy, Colin.

I managed to get the union
Jacks, but the Russian flag, no luck.

Make one. A hammer,
a sickle and red cloth.

Be grateful he's not from Paraguay.
You don't have to draw an armadillo.

And about the shelves... I have problems
of my own. Oh, the piano's arrived!

Observant (!)
What's the problem?

How is a pianist going to play
a piano that's stuck on its side?

I see. Where's Gavin?

There you are. Ready when you
are. Pardon? I'll just finish this tea.

You were going to show your father the building.
Just a few more minutes. Slight crisis outside.

Bring the others
out to reception. Yes.

Can I help? Thank you, but moving a
piano is heavy work for the female frame.

Looking after you, dad?
Yes. Helen... excellent.

Mr brittas, is it all right if
I still go home at seven?

My stepmother and her two daughters are going to a ball
and they want me to stay at home to clean the kitchen.

You do realise that'll mean
missing the concert, don't you? Yes.

Could you not touch that, please?
What? Could you not touch the piano?

If you don't know what you're
doing, you could damage the tuning.

I am Vladimir Petrov.

When you learn to read English, you'll understand that
we're closed. We're having a concert... mr Petrov!

Welcome to whitbury new town. Gordon
brittas. Not too hot for you, I hope?

What? You're more used to
snow in Leningrad, aren't you? Oh!

Come to the gymnasium where
you're going to be playing. Thank you.

I'll get one of the staff to move that.
Carole! Yes, mr brittas. How may I help you?

Take mr Petrov's
case to his room. No...

No, you leave that to Carole.

Frankly, she needs the exercise. She's getting a
bit pudgy. I think she is a most attractive woman.

Who? Your Carole. Now that's interesting, because
we don't see anything attractive in her at all.

Your son's success means a lot to
you. Yes. I never did much with my life.

I've been a failure, haven't I?

You shouldn't say that, dad. You've... You've
raised a family... all sorts of things.

Do you know what I wanted to be when I was a teenager?
No. I wanted to be an astronomer. Really? Yeah.

I asked my mum and dad
if I could stay on at school.

My dad said, "you can watch the stars."
That's how you became a night watchman?

Yeah. Forty years I spent looking after
breeze blocks for wigmore fabrications.

All very worthwhile but it wasn't
my dream, was it? What a sad story!

I vowed it wouldn't happen to my sons. Our dreams
are important, Laura. Mr brittas has a dream.

If you don't have a dream... ♪ how
you going to have a dream come true? ♪

Precisely.

Vlad, when this lot's over, you and I should
get together to do a couple of duets, eh?

May I? Certainly.

I'll sort out your piano, vlad. Have you
got everything you need? I would like a rog.

Sorry? A rog. A "rog". Right...

To sit on. Oh, yes! I
know what you mean now.

In this country we have
chairs. "Chair". Nyet! Nyet!

A rog.

For stretching, relaxing on the floor.
Ah, you mean individual exercise mats!

Now I'm with you,
vlad. Here you go.

"Individual exercise mat". Help
yourself. Mind your fingers, vlad!

If there's nothing else...

Vlad, I think you and I will be a
big hit tonight. I can feel it there.

Where is Gavin? He... Colin, what are you doing?
I've solved your problem, mr brittas. Which problem?

How a man can play the piano sideways.
That's a hoist for disabled swimmers.

Yes, and it works
perfectly. What?

He climbs into that sling.
We press the button here.

Up he goes.

Where he stops nobody knows!

And there he is ready
to play the piano!

Have you spent the last half hour working out how a
pianist could be strung up to play a piano sideways?

Yes. It was so
simple. Was it really?

Yes. And when he's finished, we just
spin him back out here to take his bow.

I wonder what the
problem is now?

Colin, you know the attic
storeroom? Yes, mr brittas.

Lock yourself in,
swallow the key

and we'll see you when nature has
taken its course, probably Tuesday.

What shall we do? The removers let
us down. Wasn't that the caterers? Tim!

Put that piano in the gymnasium. Just the
four of us? Just the three of you. Hurry.

Are you all right, Colin? Sometimes
mr brittas can be really hurtful.

You see, Laura,
I've always believed

the best gift a parent can give
his child is a belief in himself.

My parents settled for sitting up
straight and having a clean handkerchief.

Praise, Laura. Sorry?
Praise is the secret.

Since he was tiny I've told Gordon
he could achieve anything he wanted.

What do you think? I've
to present the bouquet.

That's lovely. You look a picture.
Gordon will be proud of you.

Yes... good.

So you think constant praise from
an early age is enough? I do, Laura.

Start when they're young and they'll have
an unshakable belief in their abilities.

You can tell the ones
who didn't get it. Can you?

Oh, yes. Indecisive, anxious, dozing
themselves up with tranquillisers.

Is the bow too much? No, Helen.

I don't know why I said I'd do this. I hate standing
up in front of people. I never know what to say.

Helen, what were your parents like? Pretty
average. I was a disappointment to them.

Why? My father would have inherited the jam
factory if I'd been a boy. But I wasn't.

Ah. I was terrible at school. I was only good at one
thing and that got me thrown out when I was sixteen.

Never sure where to go with your life,
were you? Till Gordon came along. Gordon...

What's wrong? It won't
go round the corner.

Take it round to the fire exit.
What about the oil tanker?

It's in front of the fire doors.

What about the concert? He'll
have to cancel it. I'll tell him.

Mr brittas will be uspet. Yes, he
will. Gavin, I'm coming with you.

Carole plays hesitantly

aren't the others moving the piano? It won't fit.
So, they've gone to tell mr brittas. All of them?

Gavin's going to tell him. The others
want to watch. Do you play the piano?

No. It's just that... You know!

I'd no idea. I dreamed of being a concert
pianist but my parents made me give it up.

They said I should do domestic science. Oh. They
sold our piano to put me through a beauty course.

They said it was more
important to get a man.

Parents screw you up. Sorry?
Nothing. Have a nice evening. Thank you.

Rachmaninov piano concerto

she plays well

Excuse me! I wonder do
you have... To mend? A pin.

Yes, come with me. What is
that? It's someone playing the piano.

Not bad. It's magnificent. The
technique is rudimentary but the passion...

To pour such suffering into the
music! Who is playing? I'll see.

Wait! First we must listen to
see how he handles the allegro.

Come on, Ben. Let's get
our coats and go home.

Take the legs off and turn it on
its side. It's the coffee machine.

Move the coffee
machine. We can't. Tim!

You had it welded to the wall.

You were worried a young child would
climb up it and pull it down on itself.

It won't go down
the corridor? No.

Use the fire doors. But
the lorry. What lorry?

The oil tanker. I specifically told him we need
those doors tonight. Why would he leave it there?

That's a mystery.

We Jack up the tanker, take the legs off
the piano and slide it under the tanker.

But... it'll fit.

The doors open out. I know that. And the lorry's in
front of them... Has anybody else any bright ideas?

Excuse me. What is it?
The piano... It's under control.

I must know who was playing it.
Just now? The sound was so perfect!

This piano sounded all right?

I'd take whoever was playing it back
to the conservatory. 'Night, everyone.

Goodnight.

The piano sounded all right in here?
Ladies and gentlemen, I've got the answer.

Linda! I'm nearly finished, mr
brittas. Slight change of plan, Linda.

We've decided to hold the
concert in reception. What?

Why? Nothing for you to worry
about. Just bring the chairs through.

Laura, the most expensive seats up at the front,
middle-priced seats on the stairs, but with cushions!

All the rest down the corridor.

All they'll hear is the
automatic flushing.

I'll switch on the intercom system,
Laura. They've paid a lot of money.

It's for charity. People don't come to
hear the music. No! Silly me. Linda!

Further forward. Start about here and make your
way... why is this still here? Someone move the piano.

Ah, dad! Ready when you are, son. Could
you give us a hand by moving your piano?

Show me the way. Somewhere out of reception. If you
need a hand just get someone to give you a hand. Ok.

Shouldn't you get changed? What?
You were going to wear something special.

Well done, everyone. Quick as
you can, Linda. That's the spirit.

Vladimir! Vlad? Vlad!

Vladimir, you can relax.

Thank you. Just one small change.
We're holding the concert in reception.

Good. So, if that's everything... You've got your fruit
and water... Can you do something about the noise?

The mood music? What's
wrong with it exactly?

I find it rather distracting. Hah! In this country
we find it relaxing. Still it takes all sorts, eh?

Anyone free? Where's
Colin? Yes, mr brittas?

Colin, over here. I'm a bit tied up. Drop
whatever it is and come here, will you?

You'd better go. If you're sure.
If my Gordon needs you, you go.

I'll be all right.
Well, if you're sure.

We need to turn off the mood music...
where would you like your father to sit?

I could put him between
you and the mayor.

Don't you think he might
be a bit uncomfortable?

Why? It's a very smart affair. I
think he'd be better off in here. Here?

Yes. He's a simple man, Laura. I don't think we need
to embarrass him by making him feel out of place.

Fine. Colin... I just...
I'm talking. Your father...

I wish people would stop worrying about
my father. He's holding on... Go to my...

Holding on to
what...? I've got it.

Don't blame yourself, dad.
He's not going to play, is he? No.

Mr brittas asked him to play with
one hand for half the fee. He refused.

Gordon organised everything perfectly.
I'm just a stupid old man who messes it up.

Don't upset yourself.
I've ruined everything.

They've had to cancel the concert.
Actually they haven't. What? Cancelled.

But who else can
he find to play?

..So I thought, "music's why we're here and
music is what we're gonna have." Lights!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to start with an old
favourite of mine that will stir a few memories.

♪ Hey, girl, what you
doing down there...? ♪

He's not? He is.

What does he think he's doing? It
could be my fault. This was your idea?

We were all waving good-bye
to mr Petrov at the ambulance.

Mr brittas was asking where
we'd find a pianist in time.

I said, "why don't we do the show?"
You didn't! I just never thought.

♪ Oh, my darling, knock three times
on the ceiling if you want me... ♪ Gavin!

♪ Twice on the pipe... If the
answer is no. Oh, my sweetness,

♪ ..Means you'll meet me in
the hallway twice on the pipe...

♪ ..Means the answer is no. ♪

What a man! You said parents should give their children
confidence in their abilities, mr brittas. Jim.

What would happen, Jim, if you gave a child confidence
in their abilities when they didn't have any?

You'd be in
trouble. I thought so.

All together! Mayor,
rattle your chains!

♪ Oh, my darling, knock three
times on the ceiling if you want me.

♪ Twice on the pipe
if the answer is no.

♪ Oh, my sweetness... ♪
all together!

♪ Means you'll
meet me in the hallway

♪ twice on the pipe means
you ain't going to show. ♪