The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Slammer - full transcript

[typing]

Uh, Carol, would you
take a letter for me, please?

Shoot.

It's to my new
patient Mrs. Dixon.

- Gotcha.
- Address is in the file.

Right on.

Carol, would you
just take the letter

and never mind the
snappy patter, okay?

I can dig it.

Let's go in my office, Carol.

Bets have to be down by noon.



Jerry, I'm dictating a letter.

Can you call your own bookie?

Sure, as soon as Carol
tells me who to bet on.

[laughing]

C-Carol picks the winners?

We happen to be 327 bucks ahead

on college basketball
games alone.

So, uh, what do you like, Carol?

I think our best bet

is University of
Nevada Las Vegas

over Pepperdine.

You like the color of
their uniforms, huh?

I like their center.

He can hook with either hand,



and he has probably
the best outlook pass

since Wes Unseld.

Well, everybody knows that.

What about, uh,
Loyola-Marquette.

- Marquette.
- Loyola.

Loyola? [laughing]

That is absurd.

I went there. They got to win.

They're gonna
get killed tonight.

Not tonight. The
game isn't tonight.

Oh, that's right.
Those 12,000 fans

who are going to be there

are going to be there
to cheer each other.

I've been looking
forward to that game,

and I forgot to get tickets.

Well, Bob, just tell them that.

They'll let you in.

Come on, partner, let's go.

If you're desperate, Bob,

a thousand standing
room only tickets

go on sale at 1:00.

When I passed the
stadium this morning,

they were lined around the block

in the pouring rain.

That's ridiculous.
I'm an alumnus.

I don't have to stand
in the pouring rain.

Suit yourself.

All I have to do is
make one phone call.

[chuckling]

Emily, do you have
an umbrella with you?

Did you get them?
Did you get them?

Pneumonia and
bronchitis? Yeah, I got them.

I mean the tickets.

Well, I was real close, Bob.

The guy in front of
me got the last two.

Did you ask them if
they had any more?

After standing in
line in the pouring rain

for two hours, did I ask him?

No, I just went away
whistling a happy tune.

I was really counting
on those tickets.

Yeah.

That's why I bought
two from a scalper.

Emily, you are unbelievable.

I know. I know.

You have... You have
brains, talent, determination.

I know, I know.

You're, uh, dripping
on my tickets.

But dripping beautifully.

I know, I know.

Oh, hi, Bob.

Is Emily home?

Yeah, she's in the bedroom.

Thanks.

Howard.

She's changing.

Why? She's perfect
the way she is.

She could be a little drier.

Oh, well, you know
her better than I do.

Well, maybe you can help me.

You got a... Have
you got a pencil?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Ya ta ta ta, ta ta ta

Thank you. Have you
got a piece of paper?

Yep.

Thanks.

Would you take this down?

Now, uh, I'm on standby, see?

Now, if the airport calls,

they'll either offer me the
flight to Denver tomorrow

or the flight to Paris tonight.

Now, I'm going to the
show in about a half hour.

I'll get out about 9:15.

Of course I may stay
for the second feature.

Well, I won't stay
if I go to Paris.

Now, that's where you're
going to come in handy.

See, I'm going to call you,

and you're going to
tell me where I'm going.

- Now, you got that?
- No.

Okay, then I'll just stay home.

Ohh.

Uh, Emily, you
better get dressed.

We got to get
ready for the game.

The only thing I'm ready for

is bed and a hot water bottle.

I thought you were
going with Jerry.

Nah, Jerry's going
with his betting partner

Carol the Greek.

Oh. Well, I don't
really want to go, Bob.

Emily, the game
is just a culmination

of a terrific evening.

Before the game, we
go to Runyon's Beanery.

That's where the
Peeper and I used to go

when we went to school.

Well, I was never
crazy about beans.

Well, they don't serve beans.

They serve hamburgers.

Then how come
they call it a beanery?

Because Tony Caruso always
liked the name Runyon's Beanery.

Who's Tony Caruso?

Runyon.

Oh, well, now I get it.

Hamburgers 2 inches thick,

mugs of ice-cold
foaming draft beer.

Then... Then we link arms,

and we sing our
school fight song.

I was never good
at linking arms.

Look, Emily, it may
sound silly to you,

and maybe it is,

but it's... it's
colorful and exciting.

It's like, you know,
being a kid again.

You know, it does
sound like fun.

I think I will go.

Great. And, uh,
when we link arms,

you can just go
to the ladies' room.

Ah.

["Shave and a haircut" knock]

Man: Hey, hey, hey!

I don't believe it. It
sounds like the Peeper.

Woman: Hey, hey, hey.

And Corinne.

Ha ha!

Oh, my goodness!

[all talking at once]

I had an exploding
cigar for you,

but Corinne smoked
it on the plane.

What are you two doing in town?

Well, our fish restaurant
in Maine is doing so well,

we're going to open a
second one in Las Vegas.

D-Don't tell me.

You're going to
feature fish... and chips.

So you're on your
way to Las Vegas, huh?

Hey, you think we'd
fly across country

without seeing you?

Yeah.

Well, you're right,

but we had a
couple of days extra,

so what the heck.

Clifford's going to
take us all out to dinner.

Oh, wonderful.

Unless you had other plans.

Well, we, uh, we were going

to the Loyola-Marquette
basketball game.

You're kidding! Oh,
would I love to see that!

Ohh...

Well, I've only
got, uh, two tickets.

Oh, and there's four of us.

Yeah, but, you know,
maybe two of us could go,

like, uh...

you... you and Corinne or, uh...

or Emily and Corinne or, uh...

Emily and I or, say, you and I.

Yeah. It's really a shame
to waste the tickets.

Let's go, Corinne.

Did... Did I mention
Peep and I on that list?

Go on. Get out of here.

Emily, you're the greatest.

She knows, she knows.

Bob, they haven't
changed a thing.

You don't change a shrine, Peep.

No.

I'm glad we got here
before the crowd.

You are the crowd.

What'll it be?

What'll it be?

Two ice-cold
foaming beers, right?

Right.

You know, sometimes I
dream of Runyon's beer.

- Don't you?
- No.

I have a dream where
I get attacked by a tree.

Here you go.

What happened to the foam?

Oh, you... you want foam.

Foam.

Uh, how about a couple
of 2-inch-high hamburgers

smothered in grilled onions?

Hey, that sounds good to me.

Where are you going to get them?

You know, you
look very familiar.

Everybody says that

It's because I look
like Johnny Carson.

You're the same bartender
that was here 20 years ago.

I'm his son, Johnny Carson, Jr.

You sure you don't
have any hamburgers?

Well, I got a toaster oven.

I got frozen sandwiches.

Great. Then heat us up
two frozen sandwiches.

Boy, that sounds tasty.

It's a shame that Emily and
Corinne can't share all this.

Well, the game's sold out.

If you guys are talking about
the Marquette-Loyola game,

a couple of girls
were in here last night

looking to get rid of
a couple of tickets.

Oh, yeah? Do you
think they'll be in tonight?

Well, they come
in most every night.

They don't like to
miss the swinging time.

Listen, as long as you
guys are going to be here,

do me a favor. Keep an
eye on the place, will you?

I'm going to run
out and lay a bet.

Loyola is gonna get creamed.

And don't steal anything.

If this was 20 years ago,

you know what we'd
be doing right now?

Yeah, having a better time.

No, we'd be singing
the school fight song.

Oh, that's right.

You... You start.

You can't remember
it, either, huh?

It's, um... something
something alma mater.

No, no, Bob. That's
the school song.

The school fight song was

something something rah rah rah.

Boy, they don't write
songs like that anymore.

Here's to the good old days.

Let's do that... that toast

we used to do here 20 years ago.

- Remember?
- Sure.

I think it was, uh,

something something
down the hatch.

Where's Johnny?

Oh, the bartender?
He stepped out.

You guys are new here.

Well, you certainly aren't.

We come here every night.

Oh, you must be the girls

the bartender told us about.

Uh-huh. Well, um, I'm Kim,

and this is my friend Darva.

I'm Bob, and this is Cliff.

See, Bob only got two tickets

to the basketball game tonight,

so we had to leave
our wives at home.

Oh, of course you did.

Yeah, we... we thought
it would be more fun

if, you know, there
were four of us.

Of course you would.

Can you help us out?

Oh, well, we'll do our best.

Oh, great, then, uh,
tell me, how much?

Whatever you think is fair.

Well, I... I... I never like
to pay more than 15 bucks.

But, uh, seeing
as we're desperate,

how about 25 bucks?

25 bucks apiece?

Come on.

Come on. It'll be fun.

The girls will love it.

Okay.

You're on.

And you're under arrest.

We're police officers.

Okay, up against the
bar and spread 'em.

Excuse me?

You heard her, Jack. Spread 'em.

Spread them?

Aah!

[bell dings]

Our sandwich is ready.

I... I think we're
being arrested.

For what?

Solicitation, my fine friend.

S-So-So-So...

We just want a
couple of tickets!

I got your tickets.

Tickets to the slammer.

Ah. Thanks.

Okay, you two creeps,
sit down over there

while we talk to the lieutenant.

- Hey. Congratulations.
- Yeah.

I don't know why
you don't believe us.

This is a gigantic
misunderstanding.

We wanted to get two
tickets to the basketball game,

and you... you
thought that we thought

that... that you were, uh...

Ladies of the evening.

Walkers of the street.

We're entitled
to one phone call.

Okay.

It better not be obscene.

Darva and I are
cleaning up this town.

Yeah. We're going to
get rid of vermin like you.

Vermin?

L-Listen, let's call
Emily and Corinne.

They'll get us out of here.

Oh, I'm sure they'll understand

when we tell them we're in jail

because we tried to pick
up two 20-year-old girls.

Boy, I'd hate to
be in our shoes.

I'll call Howard.

I have a dime here somewhere.

Here, let me
help you. Is it in...

I'll get it. Wait a second.

There you go.

Say, you know, Bob,

I found this, uh, nail clipper

in your pocket, too.

Oh, good.

You know, you borrowed
this nail clipper from me

in college.

No. No, I didn't.

Sure, you did, Bob.

It's even got my initials on it.

C.M.: Cliff Murdoch.

C.M. for Clip Master.

It sure looked like
my nail clippers.

Well, they're not.

Take it easy, Bob.

I'm the only friend you've got.

H-Hello, Howard?

Yeah, uh, Bob.

Hey, you and the Weeper

having a good time at the game?

Never mind that, Howard.

We need $200,
and we need it fast.

Well, I've only got about $20.

Maybe Emily has some money.

Leave Emily out of this!

D-Don't go over there.

Well, there's no problem.

I'm... I'm with her now.

I, uh, I'm still on standby,

so I thought I'd bring the
phone over to your place.

What do you need a
couple of hundred dollars?

Uh... yeah, we want
to buy some hot dogs.

Uh, Cliff, find out how many

want it with mustard, all right?

80? Okay.

Gee, that's awfully nice of you

to buy hot dogs for all
those people you don't know.

Yeah, well, basketball brings
people together, Howard.

Let me talk to him.

Honey, what's going on?

It's, uh, it's Emily.

Make, uh, make
basketball sounds.

Okay.

[imitating crowd roaring]

Bob, what's that noise?

Uh, Emily, you'll
have to talk up.

The crowd is going crazy.

Well, what are you doing?

[whistling]

Uh, well, it's... it's halftime,

and, uh, Cliff and buy...

Cliff and I are buying,
uh, hot dogs for everybody.

Why?

Because it's our round.

[imitating marching band]

[handcuffs clinking]

Uh, pass that down, Charlie!

Uh, the ketchup's
in the little packet.

Bob... Bob, you don't
sound like yourself.

Something something rah rah rah!

[imitating marching band]

Emily, the half
is just about over.

Bang!

There's the gun, Emily.

We got to go.

Bob?

Bob.

That's strange.

Emily, you know
Bob and Clifford.

Whenever they get together,
they're up to mischief.

Yes, you're right.

It's probably one of
their practical jokes.

They were just checking
to see if we were home.

They're probably
going to deliver us

50 pounds of potato salad.

Why would they want to know
if Howard had any money?

Maybe the salad's coming COD.

I don't understand it.

It means cash on delivery.

Are we going to play Scrabble,

or are we gonna
chitchat all night?

Yes, we're going
to play Scrabble.

Howard, it's your turn.

Good. I win. I used
up all my letters.

Z-O-O-P-H-Y-T-E?

Zoophyte.

I challenge you, Howard.

There's no such
word as zoophyte.

There is so.

Zoophyte:

uh...

a disagreement between
two or more animals

at a zoo.

Excuse me, Howard.

I don't mean to doubt
you, but that's bull.

Words were my business.

I used to work in a library.

Well, I've been
to a lot of zoos.

I don't believe it.

There is such a word.

It was a very small library.

But it doesn't mean
two animals fighting.

It's a kind of a sponge.

Oh, well, that's what I meant.

Last time I was at the zoo,

the sponges were going at it

hammer and tongs.

Well, let me see.

That's 368 points for
me and 0 for you two.

Tough noogies.

As soon as your lawyer gets
back from the basketball game,

he'll get us out of here.

Don't be so sure.

Did you read that story

about what happened
to the guy in Atlantic City?

The guy that swallowed
the telephone?

No.

What guy swallowed a telephone?

Some guy in Atlantic City.

- Why?
- I don't know.

I guess he was bored.

That wasn't the guy
you meant, was it?

No.

I was talking about the guy

that was going to mail a letter.

He got his hand
caught in the mail box.

The cop came along
and arrested him

for... for attempting
to steal the U.S. mail.

It's a federal offense.

Well, they let him
off, didn't they?

Let him off? Let him off?

He was in jail for 20 years.

I don't believe it.

Don't believe it?
Don't believe it?

It ruined him.

He's a shattered hulk of a man.

He just walks the
streets talking to himself.

Well, when we get
out of here in 20 years,

we'll talk to each other.

Right.

So there's no problem.

No, except I would like
my nail clippers back.

Uh, there are a couple of things

we need to straighten out.

Yeah, like when do
we get out of here?

Just cool it, punk.

I don't want to have to
make things rough on you.

Punk?

Your language is really abusive.

We need to know what time it was

when we arrested you.

It was exactly 8:30.

Don't help them.

The big guy cooperated.
Remember that.

All right. Now, which one of you

made the actual proposition?

Bob did.

You did, Bob. You asked
them how much they wanted.

For the tickets!
For the tickets!

Okay. Everything's
in order here.

And you read them
their rights, right?

No, you read them their rights.

No. Reading the
rights was your job.

We never agreed on
who'd read them their rights.

So you never read
them their rights?

Right.

Ha ha ha.

You didn't read us our rights.

You don't have a case.

I could have sworn
you read us our rights.

They did not!

I think they did, Bob.
It was around 8:30.

Look. Here's your Clip Master.

Now shut up!

I better go talk
to the lieutenant.

Yeah, you got some
explaining to do, little lady.

I'm real sorry
about this, fellas.

Aw, that's okay.

I could have you
pounding a beat in Brooklyn.

It's not easy being a cop.

That's the trouble with
police work nowadays.

You bring the vermin in,

and the system puts
them right back out

on the street again.

I never thought I'd drop a
water bomb on my husband.

It's a nice feeling.

I love it.

Oh, I think that's them.

It's hard to tell from here.

No, that's them, that's them.

Ready?

Aim.

Fire!

Bull's eye!

Oh ho! I love
it! It's wonderful!

[laughing]

What, uh, what are you
two doing out on the balcony?

It's kind of cold, isn't it?

Uh... we were just,
uh... watering stuff.

H-How was the game?

Oh, the game.

Wow, what a game.

Yeah.

Well, who won?
Marquette or Loyola?

- Marquette.
- Loyola.

- Loyola.
- Marquette.

But it doesn't really
make any difference

who wins or loses, does it?

It's how you play the game.

How'd they play the game?

- Great.
- Lousy.

Fair.

Well, uh, gee, it's been a while

since you've seen the apartment.

Why don't I take
you on a little tour?

Okay.

What's going on
here? [chuckling]

Uh, sightseeing. Sightseeing.

Look at the, uh,

Look at the craftsmanship
in this... this railing.

That's, uh, that's wood

and... and wrought
iron together.

Makes you proud
to be an American.

Bob, Creeper.

What are you guys doing home?

The game isn't over yet.

They, uh, they
ran out of hot dogs.

And besides, it was
really kind of dull.

Dull? I'm listening
to it on the radio.

I mean, they're
in triple overtime.

The score's tied.

Howard, you still on standby?

Yeah.

Don't you think you'd
better get back home?

Otherwise, you'll
miss that phone call.

Oh, yeah. I'd better
get over there.

Here. Take this.

If there are any
calls, they'll be for me.

Okay, Bob, what's it all about?

Why did you leave
the game early?

Where have you
been? What's going on?

Uh, Emily, I can't talk
now. I'm waiting for a call.

I'll take it in the hall.

Maybe, uh, maybe we'd
better tell them the truth.

Yeah.

Well, uh, you see, we were, uh,

we were having a
beer at Runyon's,

and, uh, we started...

We started missing you two.

- Oh, did you?
- Yeah, we did.

And we wanted to buy
a couple of extra tickets

from these two girls,
see, so you could join us.

And, uh, and... and they...

Uh, they thought that we
were trying to pick them up.

They thought Bob was
trying to pick them up.

The funny thing is they, uh,

they turned out to be

two, uh, plainclothes
policewomen.

So they, uh, they arrested us

for solicitation. [chuckling]

And we... we spent the last, uh,

last four hours in jail.

It could have been 20 years.

What's gonna happen now?

A stink bomb is
going to go off, huh?

You're going to put
potato salad in our bed?

That's good. Always
the potato salad.

[laughing]

You don't believe us.

What do you take us for, rubes?

I... I guess you're
just too sharp for us.

[doorbell buzzes]

That, uh, that must
be the potato salad.

Excuse me, chief.

Did, uh, someone
up here lose these?

Uh, Corinne, I don't believe

you've seen our
new shower curtains.

No. But I think now
would be a good time.

You know, uh,

you can be arrested for
dropping things on people.

Get out of here, will you?

- What did you say?
- Take a hike.

Maybe you don't understand.

You don't get the picture, Jack.

We're police officers.

Now up against the rail.

Spread 'em!

This is a joke, isn't it, Bob?

You, too, Mac. Lean.

Ohh!

Don't forget to
read us our rights.