The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 8 - A Crime Most Foul - full transcript

Ah. Carol.

Hmm.

Do you know what
time it is exactly?

Yeah, exactly
three hours till lunch.

Is that all you
ever think about?

No. Sometimes I think about you.

Oh.

But then I can't eat lunch.

Don't you want
to see what I got?

Big deal. I got two of them.

No, no. My new
digital watch here.



Ah.

See, it tells you the time

exactly right up to the second.

It is now 9:08:47.

48, 49, 50.

Good morning.

51, 52, 53... Jerry's
learned to count.

55, 56... You
must be very proud.

No, no, no.

See, I was just showing Carol

my new digital watch.

Ah. You haven't seen
my new tape recorder.

Has three speeds, has
an automatic counter,

and a lifetime battery.



Yeah. Well, you
see, this baby not only

gives you the time,
the day, and the date,

but also tells you
the temperature

and the wind velocity.

Did I show you my new
paper clip holder yet?

It, uh, holds paper clips.

Has battery recharger
and extra long mic cord.

Would you like
to see the stapler

to end all staplers?

I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

Ah. Incidentally, the
barometer's rising.

Oh, let's run.

Well, I can't, Carol.

I have to get
ready for my group.

Oh, your group's in there
already, Bob. You're late.

I am?

What... What time is it?

Did I hear someone
say "What time is it?"

What time is it, Jerry?

It is exactly... 78 degrees.

Well, good morning, Dr. Hartley.

Do you know what time it is?

Uh, no, I don't, but
it's getting warmer.

Eh. Typical vague
psychologist answer.

Well, I'm sorry I'm late,

but let's pick up where
we left off last time.

Oh, great. Where were we?

I was telling how I
won World War II.

I thought you were a
cook in the Marines.

The Marines travel
on their stomachs.

That's probably why
it took them so long

to get to Iwo Jima.

What's that thing?

Oh, this is my
new tape recorder.

I thought we'd start taping
some of our sessions.

This smacks of Watergate.

What comes next,
steaming open our mail?

I didn't mean to stir
up such a hornet's nest.

I... I just thought it
might be interesting

to see how we
interrelate as a group.

No, I... I'm not sure

I want anybody
listening to what I say.

Don't worry, Mr. Herd.

Nobody listens to you.

That's good.

How do we know those tapes

won't fall into the wrong hands?

There are people
who'd pay a lot of money

for the secrets
of Emil Peterson.

I wouldn't give
you a plug nickel.

Well, you're just going
to have to trust me.

I wouldn't be careless
with this machine

any more than I'd
leave my notebook, uh...

lying... lying around.

You know, that
recorder could help me

with my sales work. You know,

I could tape the
presentation here,

and then everybody
could give me tips

on how to improve myself, huh?

I'll give you a tip.

Quit your job and join a circus.

What an exciting idea.

He could be the daring young
man on the flying trapeze.

Or an elephant.

All right, why don't we
leave that up to Mr. Herd?

Let's... Let's start
taping the session.

Who wants to start?

- I would.
- All right.

There we go.

Just a moment, and go.

Ahem.

It was a hot spring day.

The scent of
victory was in the air,

and the scent of
Corporal Emil Peterson's

famous leatherneck stew

was on the breath of
the 101st Marine battalion

as it stormed to
victory and won the war.

And that's the way it was...

April 12, 1943.

Thank you.

Next.

Oh.

Hello.

Why don't you go with that
thought, Mrs. Bakerman?

Hello.

Anything that's on your mind,

anything that's bothering you.

Uh, Mrs. Bakerman, I can't
hear what you're saying.

But this is a personal problem.

It's no concern of yours.

Could... Could you say something

that we could... We
could all listen to?

All right.

Hello.

Bob, what are you doing?

Nothing.

You trying to record
me talking in my sleep?

You don't talk in your sleep.

You, uh, snore.

I don't snore.

Well, no.

Your nostrils were flaring.

You woke up just
in the nick of time.

Oh, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Oh, there'll be other nights.

Right. No other nights.

You know, Bob,

you're really going
overboard with this thing.

Last night you taped
yourself gargling.

I was just testing
the fidelity of the mic.

This is just like all the
other gadgets you buy.

In a week it's gonna wind
up in the back of the closet.

Not this baby.

This baby is a very expensive

professional tool of my trade.

How expensive, Bob?

It doesn't matter.
It's deductible.

How deductible, Bob?

It's, uh, pretty deductible.

How much, Bob?

Do you have to
keep calling me Bob?

All right.

How much, Lyle?

420.

$420 for a toy?

This is not a toy.

Testing 1, 2, 3, 4.
Testing 1, 2, 3, 4.

Pilot to bombardier.
Pilot to bombardier.

Over and out.

Are you going to sleep?

No, I'm just going to lie
here and let my nostrils flare.

Well, if you start snoring,
we'll be right here.

Will you get that
thing out of here?

All right. I'm
gonna put it to bed.

And don't call it a
thing. It's my friend.

Then why don't you pour
it a warm glass of milk?

Maybe the left one a little.

Good night, Emily.

I... I was just
dictating a letter.

Hi, dear. How was
your squash game?

Confusing. I should have
brought along my tape recorder.

You could have recorded
the sounds of sweat.

I couldn't remember
what the instructor said.

I know he said to put
my two knees together

and then swing them to the left,

swing them to the right,

put your left foot out,
and you bring it back.

Who's your squash
teacher, Arthur Murray?

Pow. Pow.

Pow.

Pow.

Honey, uh, could you
squash somewhere else?

Julia Child is going to do
something with a chicken

that's never been done
on television before.

On the family hour?

Bob, I want to write this down.

You won't... You won't
have to write it down.

If I can find my tape recorder,

You can record it.

It was in the den.

It's not in the den, honey.

I just cleaned there.

Then where is it?

Oh, honey, hurry, hurry.

She's got her cleaver poised.

I feel like I'm playing
Beat the Chicken.

[chopping]

Well, it isn't there.

Ohh.

Is that a chicken?

Used to be.

Well, I can't find it anywhere.

Good.

Maybe it's in the kitchen.

Yeah. Look in the freezer.

Okay, where'd you hide
my tape recorder, Emily?

What?

You hid my tape recorder

so I couldn't prove
that you snore.

Oh, Bob, don't be ridiculous.

Well, then where is it?

Well, you probably mislaid it.

I've never mislaid
anything in my life.

What about the
time you drove off

with the briefcase
on top of the car?

That wasn't mislaid. I
knew exactly where it was.

Oh, honey, it's
probably in your car

or in the office.

Uh-uh.

It's been stolen.

Oh, Bob, who would steal it?

You want to search me?

You wouldn't be foolish enough

to have it on you.

Oh, honey.

Why would I be
helping you look for it

if I'd taken it?

All right, for argument's sake,

let's assume
you didn't steal it.

Well, I'm going to assume that.

Then who did steal it?

Well, why stop at
accusing your wife?

Why don't you accuse
your best friend?

Jerry does have shifty eyes.

Did you see what...

Did you see what Julia
Child just did to that chicken?

No, I was being grilled.

Well, you're luckier
than that chicken.

Where is it, Howard?

I don't know.

Howard, you know what?

It isn't right to take
somebody else's property.

I want it back.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Here's your... Here's your pen.

That isn't what I meant.

Oh.

[clatter]

Bob?

Hi. Hi, Carol.

What are you doing,

praying to the medicine cabinet?

Well, my, uh, my
tooth was bothering me.

Oh, yeah, well, I heard
the pain goes away

if you kneel on a countertop.

Uh, actually, Carol,

I'm... I'm missing
my tape recorder,

and I think Jerry
might have... taken it.

You think Jerry's a thief?

You know, he might have
accidentally picked it up

and, uh, you know, put it in

one of his drawers accidentally.

You mean by accident?

Yeah. or, uh...
maybe he copped it.

Bob, well, that's just crazy.

You might just as
well suspect me.

You know, I'm just sort
of checking everybody out

to... to avoid any suspicions
in my mind, you know?

I mean, I... You know, I know
there's nothing in this drawer,

so, uh, I don't even
have to open it.

Nothing.

I guess that clears Jerry.

Well, I never, you know,

I never really,
really suspected him.

My... My tape recorder!

I don't believe it.

You know, I've known
Jerry for eight years,

and now he seems
like a stranger.

Carol, what do we
really know about Jerry?

Well, he's an orphan,
and he's a dentist,

and he's been a good friend.

Not much to go on, is it?

One thing I do know.

Jerry's stealing
is a cry for help.

We've got to
stand by him, Carol.

Well, why don't you let
him keep the tape recorder?

No, it's my tape recorder.

Bob, I don't believe

Jerry would do
something like this.

[chuckles]

Carol, you're so naive.

I wonder if maybe there
aren't some other things

missing around the office.

You know, come to think of it,

I can't find my stapler
or my letter opener.

Oh, I... I borrowed those.

Oh, hi. Uh, what's going on?

Just admiring your
new tape recorder.

Yeah.

It looks just like Bob's.

Yeah.

Only, uh, mine
cost 90 bucks less.

I got it on sale.
Here's the, uh, bill.

Read it and weep. Ha ha ha.

It's, uh, it's a good deal.

Yeah.

So what are you two
doing in here anyway?

I just stopped by
to deliver your mail.

Yeah, and I was...
I was helping her.

Don't tell me the two of you

carried this up
all by yourselves.

I... I carried the heavy end.

Gee, I must have...

I must have pulled something.

Well, I think I'll
have that checked.

Good. Howard's not at
home. There's no answer.

Now give me the extra
key for his apartment.

Bob, now, he told you

he did not take
that tape recorder.

A quick search
will confirm that.

You could be arrested
for breaking and entering.

Howard is not
going to arrest me.

I'm his best friend.

Uh, excuse me.

Do you have an extra
key to my apartment?

I locked myself out.

Here it is, Howard.

Ah, thank you.

Uh, let me help you, Howard.

It's okay. I can let myself in.

Well, I... I just haven't
seen your apartment

for a long time. Maybe
you redecorated.

Maybe you added something...

Something about that big

with lifetime batteries
and a long mic cord.

You still think I took that
tape recorder, don't you?

I never stole anything
in my whole life.

Well, I did steal
something once,

but, uh, well, I
didn't get caught,

so it doesn't count.

Besides, I was a... I
was an Eagle Scout.

Congratulations, Howard.

Oh, thank you, Emily.

Howard, uh, don't you think

you're protesting
a little too much?

If I wanted a
Marasica tape recorder,

I could have picked
one up cheap in Japan.

You see, Bob?

I don't believe I ever
mentioned the brand name.

Well, I, uh, I... I saw it

on the tape recorder
when you showed it to me.

Nice try, Howard,

but the label was in Japanese.

I don't believe
you read Japanese.

Well, I recognize the case.

Are you sure it was in a case?

- I don't remember.
- Aha!

You believe me,
don't you, Emily?

I mean, I was a...

I mean, I was a hall
monitor in school,

and I was an
altar boy in church,

and I take a shower every day.

If that doesn't prove
that I... I don't steal,

I mean, I don't know what does.

Howard.

That's our magazine.

I know it.

All right, I...

I don't believe Howard took it.

Good. At last you've
come to your senses.

Well, it narrows it down

to one of the
members of my group.

Well, you're a
psychologist, Bob.

Have them arrested.

See, that's easy
for you to say, Emily.

You've never had
anything stolen.

Oh, that's not true, Bobby.

You stole my heart

before you started
acting like an idiot.

Well, I may be
acting like an idiot,

but I have a reason.

Idiots don't need reasons.

This idiot does.

And it's a very good reason.

It happened in my childhood.

You fell on your head?

I used to have a harmonica,

and I could play "Pop
Goes the Weasel"

like one of the Harmonicats.

Oh, yeah? Which one?

Well, I don't know.

The one that played
the real long one.

Oh. Al.

It doesn't make any difference,

and one day I came
home from school,

and it was missing.

I figured my... my best
friend Herb Broda stole it,

and my mother
said I'd just mislaid it,

and then I... I
found out the truth.

Herbie stole it?

No, my mother stole it.

She couldn't stand
"Pop Goes the Weasel."

Well, I can understand that.

I guess that's the reason
I'm acting like an idiot.

Sorry if you
think it's irrational.

Oh, honey, I understand.

Don't you feel better
talking about it now?

Yeah, I... I do feel better.

Oh, good.

My mother hasn't been
over here lately, has she?

You're probably wondering

why I called you all here today.

Why? It's our regular session.

Right.

Are you feeling
okay, Dr. Hartley?

Uh, sure, I'm fine.

It's just that, uh,

my tape recorder
has, uh, has vanished,

and I thought maybe one of you

made a mistake and
took it home with you.

You know, maybe you got mixed up

and thought it was
your... your coat

or your purse.

You think one of us took it?

I didn't say that.

He thinks one of us took it.

Why don't you get
out the rubber hose?

When I was in grammar school,

someone stole my
teacher's paperweight,

and my teacher said that she
was going to leave the room

and she hoped that the
paperweight would be back

on her desk when she came back.

We could try that.

While she was out,

someone set fire to her desk.

Well, I'm sure if
anyone in the group

had taken it, they'd...
They'd speak up.

After all, our group is based

on trust and honesty.

I took it.

You, Mr. Herd?

I can't help myself.

I... I've been stealing
gadgets for years.

You know, they won't allow me
in an appliance store anymore.

I'll call the fuzz.

Sit down, Mr. Carlin.

Go ahead and call
them, Mr. Carlin.

A... A person like me should
be removed from society.

[panting]

Mr. Herd, just... just bring
the tape recorder back.

Okay.

What does it look like?

I mean, my whole basement's

full of tape recorders.

You didn't take it,
did you, Mr. Herd?

No.

I was covering
for Mrs. Bakerman.

I thought she took it.

I think it was Mr. Carlin.

Peterson's built like a thief.

I still think it's Herd.

All right, all right.

Can we, uh, can we
go on with our session?

And if anybody feels
unusually guilt-ridden

about any particular thing,

we'll, uh, we'll
stop and discuss it

at that particular time.

Where are my knitting needles?

I took them.

Uh, look, I can't
take any more of this.

I'll write you a check
for the tape recorder.

Look, Mr. Carlin,
this is my problem.

I'll handle it.

- How much is it?
- $420.

You're right. It
is your problem.

You could write me a
check for my knitting needles.

Look, can we try to get
going on the session?

W-Where's my note pad?

I took it.

I know how we can
find out who the crook is.

We'll give everybody
a lie detector test.

I have a better idea.

Let's vote.

Uh, just, uh, just forget it.

Forget it. It, uh... Ahem.

It's a stupid machine,
and I... I really...

I really didn't like it
that much anyway.

What's that cord hanging
out of your coat sleeve?

Uh...

oh, that's, uh, that's
something new.

This is a, uh... a
raincoat microphone.

Can, uh, can we get
on with the session?

How can we get on with it?

Our group's based on
trust, and you don't trust us.

Well, I, uh, I have a
confession to make.

You stole my knitting needles.

No, I, uh, I brought my raincoat

down to the office last week.

I thought it was going to rain,

and it didn't,
and I left it here,

- and the...
- [Mrs. Bakerman gasps]

The recorder is
behind my raincoat.

[chuckles]

It's really kind
of funny, isn't it?

No.

I really feel like
a... Like a fool.

Why don't you go
with that, Dr. Hartley?

There must be some
reason you acted like an idiot.

You never needed a reason.

There is a reason and
a very good reason.

It happened in my childhood.

I had this harmonica, and, uh,

someone stole it.

I took it.

Here it comes.

[discordant version of
"Pop Goes the Weasel"]

[begins song again]

[jazzy "Pop Goes the Weasel"]

Ahem.

[clumsy "Pop Goes the Weasel"]