The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 7 - Send This Boy to Camp - full transcript

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.

Why are you sewing
name tapes in my shorts?

So you can find your
own clothes at the orgy.

Besides, these
aren't your shorts.

H. Borden II.

Howard Borden the second.

These are little Howie's.
He's going to camp.

Why doesn't Howard sew them on?

He says he's all thumbs
when it comes to sewing.

He's all thumbs
when it comes to living.

Hi, Emily. Are you finished?



Howard, why don't you
ever ring the doorbell?

I'm all thumbs when
it comes to doorbells.

Are you done with
Howie's shorts?

I would be if his
name were shorter.

My name is Borden. Why
would I name him Howie Shorter?

The man has a point, Emily.

Sending him to Camp Minihaha.

That's Indian for "little haha".

Here's the... the brochure here.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, highlights of
our crafts program

include folk dancing
and macrame.

In addition, each camper
must compose his own sonnet.

Kids have to learn to compose
their own sonnets sooner or later.



Camp has sure
changed since I was a kid.

- You're telling me.
- Bob, I didn't know
you went to camp.

I didn't, but I'm
sure it's changed.

There's nothing like camp.

I spent six summers
climbing mountains,

paddling canoes, camping.

Yeah, I loved camping.

I learned to swim and
sail and ride horses.

Yeah.

I, um... I went to
summer school.

You mean you really
never went to camp?

Well, camp was
like summer school.

- How?
- Yeah, how?

It is was in the summer
time and it was...

It was camp-like.

Oh, Bob, you don't
know what you missed.

That's nothing more
exciting than pitching a tent

in the middle of a storm.

Yeah, roughing it in the
wilderness for days at a time.

Reducing fractions
was pretty exciting.

It's just as well you
never went to camp, Bob.

You're really not the type.

I've written sonnets, Emily.

Bob, a man who cannot
find his car in a parking lot

when he comes out
of the supermarket

is not exactly Robinson Crusoe.

That's no indication
of resourcefulness.

I'm sure I'm perfectly capable
of surviving in the wild if I had to.

What are we having for dinner?

Whatever you want, Daniel Boone.

You kill it, I'll cook it.

Bang.

I shot a roast.

Dear Freddie, determining
someone's sanity

is an extremely
complicated matter,

however, I do agree
your uncle is crazy

if he doesn't send you
$5 for your birthday.

Love, Uncle Bob.

Cute. You want me
to enclose the $5?

No, I'll write him a check.

Ah-ah-ah! Hold it right there

fellow charity-giver.

Jerry, you're the
only man I know

who can hear a
checkbook being opened.

Yes, sir, yes!

It's time once again for the
annual Greater Cook County

Orphanage Fund Drive!

You mean it's been a whole year

since we opened our
hearts and pocketbooks?

Carol, you don't know what
it's like in an orphanage.

Here comes the
watery gruel speech.

Eating watery gruel
from a wooden bowl.

Sleeping on straw mats.

Working 14 hours a
day in a sweatshop.

Doing what?

Sweating.

You know, Jerry, every
time you tell that story

you embellish it.

Wooden bowls,
straw mats, sweat...

But the gruel was watery.

Who wants lumpy gruel?

Okay, go ahead and laugh,

but these kids need money.

As a matter of fact they
need a lot more than that.

Uh-oh. He's going
to ask for our jewelry.

I'll take whatever you got.

We'll take money,
jewelry, small appliances.

We have an old pop-up toaster.

Don't try and get
out of this, Bob.

$5 for orphans!

You're a regular Simon LeGruel.

Jerry, I think we can give
them more than money.

We should give them
our time, our talent.

That's a great idea.

Jerry can take
care of their teeth,

you can listen
to their problems,

and I can type up
their expense accounts.

- Hi, Howard.
- Hi.

- Hi, Howard.
- Hi.

- Hi, Howard.
- Hi.

Now that the social
amenities are out of the way,

what do you want?

I just stopped by to say hi.

Hi!

I did it. I dropped little
Howie off at the bus terminal.

He's on his way to camp.

Howard, as long as
you're thinking about kids,

how about some money
for your good orphan pals?

Oh, yeah. Okay. Here we are.

Boy, you should have
seen him on that bus.

He was so excited.

You don't need that
watch, do you, Howard?

Oh, yeah. I sure envy, Howard.

If I was three feet shorter, I
would have gone with him.

Maybe next year.

You should have seen those kids,

with their tents and their
knapsacks and their sleeping bags.

Orphans never get to go camping.

Excuse me for having
a truly brilliant idea here,

but why don't you guys
take some orphans camping?

That's not a bad idea.

That's a great idea.

We could take orphans
camping this weekend.

It's okay with me if it's
okay with their parents.

Excuse me, I'm going
to slip out and get a net.

What do you say, Howard?

How about the three of us take
some kids camping this weekend?

Well, just the two of us.

Bob doesn't know
anything about camping.

I know enough.

Can you mark a trail
with broken twigs?

Do you know how
to read a compass?

Can you find your way
by looking at the stars?

- No.
- Well, what can you do?

I could pay a third of the cost.

Good enough, Camper Bob!

Huh, Mr. Perlmutter.

He was in charge of the
orphanage when I was here.

He's the man that gave
you your first bowl of gruel?

I was an infant, Bob.
It was a bottle of gruel.

Yeah, old Mr. Perlmutter.

Wait till you see him.

Big strapping guy
with a lot of curly hair

and a voice like a wounded bear.

Mr. Perlmutter. Great
to see you again.

You haven't changed a bit.

Who are you?

I'm Jerry Robinson.
I left in 1956.

I'm afraid your bed is taken.

What year did you leave?

I never left.

Well, don't give up hope.

There's a potential
parent for everyone.

I'm Robert Hartley. Dr. Hartley.

Well, with a degree you
have an even better chance.

No, no. We talked to you about
maybe taking some orphans camping.

Oh. Oh, yes.

I don't know about that,

letting my boys go off
with a couple of strangers.

We thought some of the boys might
enjoy going camping over the weekend.

- Why?
- Why?

When I was here we
never got to leave this place.

Oh, I remember you now.

Robinson the Complainer.

You were the one
who always insisted

on having your
steak medium rare.

Steak? I thought it
was a bowl of gruel.

Okay, we had steak, but we never
had sour cream with our baked potatoes.

All right, all right.

I'll go and round up
a couple of the boys

and we'll see how they feel
about this camping business.

Nice to meet you, Dr. Hartley.

Nice to meet you,
Dr. Perlmutter.

What kind of a doctor are you?

I'm a psychologist.

I can't understand it.

Psychologists are
usually adopted like that.

What do you think?

Robinson the Complainer, huh?

It's funny how traits
you pick up as a kid

you carry through all your life.

It's not easy being an orphan.

Stop complaining.

When the kids get here,
let me do all the talking.

Orphans trust orphans.

They're a strange breed.

I've noticed.

Here we are.

Gentlemen, I'd like you
to meet the Dorigo twins.

That's Phil Dorigo
and Wally Carson.

You said they were twins.

Yeah, well, we're
not exactly identical.

The boys are very close.

They feel like brothers.

Wally says we're all brothers.

That's a good thought, Wally.

- Thanks.
- I was talking to Wally.

Wally doesn't just
talk to anybody.

Let me handle this, Bob.

They can tell
you're not an orphan.

By the way, Robinson, my
secretary checked the records,

you signed out a
tetherball in 1949.

It was never returned.

Mr. Perlmutter, that wasn't me.

That was my twin
brother Marty Callahan.

Then we'll find Callahan.

I hear he died.

Well, he didn't
take it with him.

Wally wants to know
just what's cooking?

Here's our plan... Let
me handle this, Bob.

What's cooking? Eggs
and bacon over an open fire,

pork and beans right out
of the can, and wieners...

Get this... on a stick!

Who are you?

You handle it, Bob.

We thought you might
enjoy going camping.

You know, cooking out of doors,

sleeping in the wilderness,

swimming, hiking... the works.

I like it, but Wally doesn't.

I didn't hear Wally
say anything.

Wally talks softly.

And he carries a big stick.

Wally doesn't get it.

That's just a historical
reference to Teddy Roosevelt.

That was his motto.

How about it, guys? You
want to come camping or not?

Wally wants a caucus.

Think they want to go, Jer?

They're not going to
want to do anything

if you keep bringing up these
vague historical references.

It wasn't that vague. It got
Teddy Roosevelt elected.

Okay, Wally's decided.
We're going to pass.

Maybe next time, okay?

Well, it was nice
meeting you guys.

Wait, wait, wait.

Bob wants to have a caucus.

Jerry, they said
they didn't want to go.

That's what they're saying,

but that's not their meaning.

I'm going to go and talk to
them orphan to orphan to orphan.

I think I can turn them around.

Okay, Wally changed
his mind. We'll go.

That's sensational.

It was easy. Here you go, Wally.

You owe Phil $20.

- Hi, Carol.
- Hi, Bob.

Any messages?

Sure. The last of
the Mohicans called.

He wants to borrow
a cup of venison.

Hi, ho, Camper Bob!

Well, it's the second to
the last of the Mohicans.

Did you get
everything on your list?

- I think so.
- Good.

I rented the sleeping
bags, the tents,

the lantern, the camp stool,

the air mattresses,
pick and shovel,

the ground sheets
and the camp stools.

Great. I got the hamburger buns.

How's it going, guys?

The hats prove it.

Ninnies of a feather
flock together.

Howard, you were supposed
to get mosquito netting.

I got a life raft instead.

Any particular reason?

Impulse buying.

And we get to go
camping with this man.

I'm going to lunch forever.

Let's go, guys. Let's
go rent our camper.

Hey, you guys
don't believe this,

but this is going
to come in handy.

Look at this, it's got a
handle and everything.

- Going down?
- Take the next boat.

Camper Bob is
almost ready to leave.

Just a minute, CB.

I have a special treat
for you and the boys.

I made a quart of gorp.

What's gorp?

It's what mountain climbers eat.

Why?

Because it's there.

It's high protein, Bob.

I can't believe you
never heard of gorp.

I feel like an idiot.

Honey, I'm really worried
about you on this camping trip.

You don't have to
worry about me, Emily.

Just show me how
to wind the compass.

Honey, would you mind if
I gave you a few pointers?

You know, just to make
your trip more pleasurable?

I got my gorp. What
more do I need?

Bob, pay attention,
because you should know

a few answers to some
very simple questions.

Now, number one, what
would you do if a rattlesnake bit?

Die.

Bob, I'm serious.

You cut an X with your knife

and then you suck
out the poison.

Out of the victim
or out of the snake?

Oh, Bob.

What would you do
if you went swimming

and you got a cramp in your leg?

Die.

You would relax and float
and try and massage the cramp.

Now, what would happen if you
happened to walk into quicksand?

I got to try one more
time, Emily. Die.

You try not to struggle

and you reach for
the nearest branch.

What if there isn't a branch?

Then you die.

And you thought I didn't
know anything about camping.

Just in case I have to come to the
rescue, Bob, where's your camp site?

My camp site, Emily?

My camp site is under the stars

wherever I hang my sleeping bag.

You did reserve a camp
site, didn't you, Bob?

Reserve a camp site,
why? Are you serious?

Oh, Bob! You can't just
waltz into a state park

on a weekend in the
middle of the summer

and expect to find an
available camp site.

They're booked
months in advance.

I'll tip a bear and
he'll let me in.

Hello? Park service,
could you tell me

where the nearest available
camp site is this weekend?

Thank you.

Green Bay, Wisconsin.

How do they know that?

They checked their computers.

That's a lot of gorp.

[knocking on door]
Jerry: We're here!

- Come on in.
- Emily: Hi, fellas!

Emily, I want you to meet
my orphan pals Phil and Wally.

It's a pleasure to
meet both of you.

Wally says, "Charmed, I'm sure".

I'm charmed, too.

Bob, I still think you're crazy.

The parks are filled.

- Filled with what?
- Filled with people.

Bob forgot to
reserve a camp site.

There are a lot more parks.

We'll go to one
that isn't filled.

We better, because you're
not getting your $20 back.

Bob, if you insist on going,
you better take this with you.

It's my Swiss Army knife.

It's got a bottle
opener, a can opener,

a shoe horn, a ballpoint pen,

needle, and a thread,
and a spoon and a fork.

No wonder they call it a knife.

Just in case you get lost,
Bob, here's our phone number.

All right, Emily, that's it.

For once and for all,

I'm going to prove to you
I can survive by my wits.

I want you to take
our telephone number

and keep your Swiss Army Knife.

We don't need any gadgets.

What you're about to see is
what made this country great.

Three men, two boys,
alone in the wilderness,

roughing it for their survival.

I forgot my Waterpik.

Wally wants to know
where the wilderness is.

Um, see over there?

You mean the gas station?

No, more to the left.

Past the gas
station. See that tree?

Yeah.

Think of it as a little park.

This is dumb.

I have to agree with them, Bob.

Just use your imagination.

Imagine that those telephone
poles are trees in the forest

and the pavement here
is a bed of pine needles

and the tall buildings are
mountains looming on the horizon.

- What do you think?
- I think we're in
a parking lot.

All right, be miserable.

I'm going to sit down and enjoy
the sounds of the wilderness.

[horns honking]

Listen, there's a covey of cars
headed south for the winter.

Hey, what a break.

I found an all-night Laundromat.

It's only 12 extension
cords from here.

What do you need
electricity for? r? r?

For my popcorn machine.

Bob, can I talk to you for
a minute just in private?

Sure. What is it?

Wally thinks this
is really boring.

What do you think?

I got to go along
with my brother.

It isn't boring if
you don't let it be.

I brought along a songbook.
We'll have a sing-a-long.

Why don't we just tap-dance
around in the parking lot here?

If you don't want to sing,
we'll tell ghost stories.

All right, but don't
make it too scary.

It was a dark and windy night.

Oh, no! Not that one!

The haunted house high on
the hill was shrouded in a mist.

No, no, no! Not mist!

You guys want to
hear a real horror story?

The ignition keys are
locked in the camper.

Is this the one where
the guy turns into a bat?

I mean it, Howard. The
keys are locked in the camper.

The only way we're gonna
get home is to hitchhike.

I'm all thumbs when
it comes to hitchhiking.

Forget about the camper.

This is a perfect test
of our ability to survive.

Just us guys.

All for one, and one for all.

Let's sing "The Happy Wanderer."

♪ Val-de-ri, val-de-rah ♪

Come on, everybody.

♪ Val-de-ri, val-de-rah ♪

♪ ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Val... ♪

They love that
song in Switzerland.

You need a bass?

What are you doing here?

Oh, Howard called me
from the Laundromat.

He forgot his electric blanket.

Too late, I'm leaving.

Emily, Bob locked
the keys in the camper,

so you have to
give us a ride home.

Yeah.

Uh, well, what about you, Bob?

You had enough?

Never.

I'm in the middle
of my camping trip.

How about you and gabby?

Well, I don't know.

Caucus.

Oh, come on, Bob, give it up.

Never.

I mean, if Lewis and
Clark had given up,

they'd be forgotten men.

Who's Lewis and Clark?

Goodnight, Howard.

So long, Bob.

Thanks for the worst camping
trip I have ever been on.

Jerry, I saw that tetherball
in your apartment.

You better return it or I'm gonna
report you to the orphanage.

Wally says we stay.

Why?

Because Bob will
never survive without us.

All right.

I'll come check on you tomorrow.

You think that Lewis
and Clark's wives

came to check on
them in the morning?

Lewis and Clark did not lock
their keys in the covered wagon.

- Goodnight, Emily.
- Goodnight, sweetheart.

Goodnight, fellas.

Goodnight.

Look, you guys
don't have to stay.

I know it hasn't been
much of a camping trip.

Yeah, we know.

But we just figure
what the heck.

Things were too
soft in the orphanage.

May as well get comfortable.

It is... It is kind of
nice here, though.

Quiet.

Peaceful.

Oh! Look there.

That's the North Star.

I think that's the
Wrigley building.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

It's nice, though.

♪ Val-de-ri ♪

♪ Val-de-rah ♪

Both: ♪ Val-de-ri ♪

All: ♪ Val-de-rah
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Val-de-re Val-de-rah ♪

♪ We sing our happy song ♪

Morning.

Well, if it isn't
Lewis and Clark

and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

How was your evening?

Terrific.

Nothing like a goodnight's
sleep on a life raft,

concrete, to lift
a man's spirits.

What do you want for breakfast?

Breakfast, Emily?

Is that what you think
we came here for?

To get breakfast
and admit defeat?

Wally will have bacon and eggs.

And pancakes.

Heavy on the syrup.