The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 6 - Et Tu, Carol? - full transcript
The doctors in the building fight over Carol's duties and she quits.
Good morning, Bernie.
There's no time for that, Carol.
I'm late. I'm late.
For a very important date?
[laughter]
I need copies of
these medical records.
Three of everything in red,
four of everything in green
and five of everything in blue.
Well, why don't I just
do them all in plaid?
[laughter]
Just do them as soon
as you can, Carol, please.
Uh, Carol, drop everything
you're doing right now
and make up 11 copies
of this letter for me, please.
Wait a minute. I was here first.
I happen to be a doctor, and this
letter is official medical business.
Oh, well, since
you're a doctor...
Wait a minute!
I'm a doctor, too.
Well, then act like
one and wait your turn.
It is my turn! Carol,
you do my copies first.
I love a sense of humor in
a dwarf, don't you, Carol?
Who you calling a dwarf?
Just make the copies.
It's very important.
"To Whom It May Concern: Send one bottle
of Scotch to the first name on the list
and within two weeks, you
should receive 128 bottles."
That's, uh, for
medicinal purposes.
Morning, troops.
Uh, run down to the cleaner's
for me, will you, Carol?
No, she can't.
She has to make up 11 copies of
a very important document for me.
If that's another booze chain
letter, don't bother mailing me one.
Make it 10 copies, Carol.
Run down to the cleaner's right
now before they get too crowded.
She can't go now. She's
doing something for me.
After she does something for me.
Look, I need my suede
smock and I need it now.
First my copies, then the smock.
No, first the smock,
then your copies.
- Copies.
- Smock.
It should be my copies,
and then Phil's copies
and then smock.
The next guy who lays a hand
on me gets a smock in the throat.
Ah! I mean it.
Touch me, and you're all dead.
Good morning.
Carol, would you get in touch
with Mr. Peterson, please?
Well, that does it! I quit.
[laughter]
No, I'm serious, Carol.
I have to talk to him.
Get yourself
another whipping boy.
Well, you really know how to
handle people, don't you, Bob?
I hope you're satisfied.
You have a real
vicious streak in you.
If you hadn't stormed
off that elevator right now
barking your commands at
poor Carol, she'd still be here.
Now we have to replace her.
Well, just wait. She'll be
back. She quits once a year.
Well, let's replace her anyway.
I have an idea
for a replacement.
How about my Tippy?
Your what?
My wife, Tippy.
Tippy's a touch typist.
Tippy's a touch fat.
If we're gonna hire anyone, we
ought to hire a minority person.
Tippy's a minority.
That's right. She's
the wife of a dwarf.
Fellas, if you don't mind
Bob has just caused
our secretary to quit.
Well, look what the,
uh, cat dragged in.
I thought you'd be back.
Hold the elevator for
me, would you, please?
Thank you so much.
Carol, don't you think
you're acting just a bit
hasty?
Nice going, Bob.
You did it again.
I'm, uh, going after her.
While you're down there,
Bob, pick up my smock.
- Copies.
- Copies, copies, smock.
That's it. I quit.
Oh. Hi, Howard.
[grunting]
Hi, Emily. Whoops.
Oh, boy, it smells
delicious. What is it?
Oh, it's Swiss steak.
Oh. There we are.
What's the difference between
Swiss steak and American steak?
Swiss steak has holes in it.
[laughing]
That's a joke, Howard.
Oh. It's funny.
What's in the box?
Oh, that's a surprise
for you and Bob
but I don't want to open
it up till Bob gets here.
Oh. Okay.
I can't wait. Let's open it.
- Oh!
- You're gonna love this.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Wait till you see this.
Good heavens.
Yeah, it was in the
unclaimed cargo sale.
I can't believe nobody
would claim that.
Well, there's no
accounting for taste.
I want to show you something.
You see this clock up here?
This tells the time in Tokyo
and this tells the
time in Bangkok
and this the time in Berlin
and this here is... broken.
Howard, what if I want to
know what time it is in Chicago?
Just look at your watch.
Well, it was a sweet thought.
Well, I had to find a
way to pay you two
for all those dinners
I had over here.
Oh, Howard, what better way?
Thank you, darling. It's sweet.
Aw.
At it again, huh?
Hi, Bob.
Howard, you don't mind if I
horn in on your territory, do you?
Well, make it quick.
We're having Swiss steak.
Got holes in it?
[hearty laughter]
How was work?
Oh, uh, Carol quit today
for the fifth time in five years.
That's almost once a year.
Well, I rounded it off.
Well, um, did you talk
to her after it happened?
Well, I tried to catch her, but
she had the fastest elevator.
Then I tried to reach
her at home on the
phone, but her line
was busy for three hours.
Come to think of it, your
line was busy for three hours.
What happened?
I have a feeling I
should ask Emily.
Well, I don't
know all the details
but it seems it was
Carol on one side
Phil, Bernie and
Jerry on the other side
and guess who in the middle.
Who?
Bob.
I was gonna say that.
Why do I always
wind up in the middle?
Tradition?
You see, Carol simply feels that
she's overworked and underpaid
and there will have to be some
changes made before she comes back.
Like less work and more pay.
You've met my
wife, George Meany?
She's always been nice to me.
[chuckles]
There are some, uh
other minor grievances.
Oh, I love grievances.
No more outside
personal errands:
Picking up cleaning, typing
personal letters, calling girlfriends, etc.
One hour off for lunch, expandable to
one and a half hours on special days...
Like days with vowels in them?
And of course, she'll
have her birthday off
and there'll certainly be
no work on legal holidays.
Will she be in on
St. Swithin's Day?
I wouldn't count on it.
Arbor Day?
Still in committee.
Groundhog Day?
Only if she sees her shadow.
Well, I'm glad you
didn't get involved.
Well, I'm just trying to make
it easier for the rest of you.
Well, thanks,
Emily. I appreciate it.
The problem is Carol
works for too many people.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Uh, maybe she should
work for just two of us.
Now, I doubt if she'd
work for me and Newman.
Probably me and Jerry.
Or me and-me and Tupperman.
Or she could just work for you.
No, that'd be too
much of a good thing.
Okay, now that that's
settled, let's eat, okay?
Sure.
Oh, uh, Bob. Bob,
look what we got.
Oh, yeah. Wait'll you see this.
Isn't that beautiful?
What the hell is it?
Uh, Bob, it's a
present from Howard.
Yeah, can you believe
that was unclaimed?
I guess the real owners had
to get back to their own planet.
We love it, Howard.
We really do.
There's a legend behind this.
Bob: Oh, really?
Yeah. See that?
Read it.
"Hi, I'm Brad,
your Buddha clock.
"Rub my belly and your
wish will be granted."
Go ahead, Bob. Rub his belly.
I'm not gonna rub the
belly of a strange Buddha.
Oh, come on, Bob. Wish
for the thing you want most.
Did your wish come true?
No, it's still there.
Now let me see if I
have this right, Bob.
Now we all draw straws, and the
losers get stuck with Carol. Is that it?
No, that isn't right, Phil.
When she shows up, she's
gonna choose two of us.
Well, I'd just like to say to
those who aren't chosen by Carol
that in addition to touch typing
Tippy is an expert on shorthand.
Yeah, living with you, she'd
be an expert on anything short.
Okay, can we get on with
this? I got a patient in my chair
who I gave instructions
not to swallow till I get back.
Well, and why do we
need a secretary, anyway?
I mean, do we really need one?
[phone ringing]
Can it be that
difficult? Come on.
Hello. Rimpau
Medical Arts. Hello.
[phone continues to ring]
Hello?
Yeah, I think we
need a secretary, Phil.
Hello.
Oh, hello!
Uh, no. No, he isn't. Right.
Who was that?
Oh, it was nothing.
It was Tippy.
You hung up on
her? She'll kill me!
I can live with that.
- Good morning, Carol.
- Bob.
Oh, uh, good morning, Carol.
Bernie.
- Carol.
- Jer.
I don't have all day.
Phil.
Phil, I think a little
consideration would be in order.
I mean, after all, people's
feelings are at stake here.
I know this has been a very
difficult choice for Carol to make.
Not really.
Just take your time.
I'm going to work
for Bernie and Jerry.
Well, that, uh, that
settles it. I'm sorry, fellas.
She has made her decision.
A decision is a decision.
I know that sometimes this can
be a bitter pill to have to swallow
but...
Bernie and Jerry?
Yeah.
Well, Bob, we're off the hook.
You know, for a minute there I
thought you were gonna pick me.
I was, Phil, but we'd
have so much fun,
we'd never get any work done.
Well, Bob, why don't we
get together a little later
and discuss our
new secretary. Okay?
Bernie and Jerry?
Well, at least you could have
Tippy come in for an interview.
Well, it's fine with me.
Have her see the janitor.
Patient: [stifled muttering]
Oh, my God. Swallow!
Can I do anything for you, Bob?
No, you don't have
to do anything for me.
Jerry: Carol!
Uh, one of your
bosses is calling.
Uh, see you later, Bob.
Bernie and Jerry?
[sighs]
Bob, are you gonna sit on
the couch and pout all night?
No, I may go into
the den a little later.
But you are going to pout.
You bet I am, and I
have a good reason.
I'm a little short on
staff at the office.
Oh, Bob, it's only been one day.
It's been a long day,
and it's getting longer.
Oh, honey, I know how you feel.
Do you, Emily? Do you really?
Your secretary didn't
dump you in mid-stream.
Well, didn't you get a
temporary replacement?
Yeah, but I think somebody at
the employment agency hates me.
They sent me Debbie Flett again.
She doesn't even remember
my name. She's totally inept.
I had to answer my own phone,
sharpen my own pencils,
make my own coffee.
You had to do all
that by yourself?
Aw, well, no wonder.
You've got a right to pout.
You're darn tootin'.
You know, maybe you
should have hired Tippy.
She turned us down. Phil
would only offer her a dollar.
You know, I do feel
a little bit responsible.
Do you, Emily? Do you really?
Yes, I do. Slightly.
Slightly? How about entirely?
Bob, where are you going?
I'm going over here to pout.
This is my favorite pouting chair.
You know, Bob, you're
taking this much too personally.
Sometimes you have to deal with
not being the one that's chosen.
Do I, Emily? Do I really?
Yes, Bob. You do.
Well, I-I can deal with that.
Well, when are you gonna start?
When I was a kid, I
liked to play basketball.
I liked to play basketball a
lot, because I-I was good.
I mean, I wasn't-I wasn't a star
but, uh, I was good. Real good.
A lot of people thought
that-that I was a star, but
I thought I was-I was good.
Real good.
You know, sometimes
there's a very thin line between
being good-real
good- and being a star.
I got it, Bob. You liked to play,
and you were probably a star.
Exactly.
So this one day we
were choosing up sides,
and I had this
brand new basketball
with George Mikan's
autograph on it.
Who's George Mikan?
You don't know who
George Mikan is?
No.
Where were you
from 1948 to 1954?
Busy.
Anyway, we were
choosing up sides.
And there were two
of us for this one spot.
- Me...
- Practically a star.
- A star.
- Oh, excuse me.
And David Buxbaum, and he stunk.
And they picked David.
And I... I dealt with it.
You took your ball
and you went home.
Have I told you
this story already?
On our wedding
night. You were stalling.
I wasn't stalling. I
just didn't want to
come on like an animal.
Well, listen, Bob,
if Carol's not choosing
you bothers you so much,
why don't you
talk to her about it?
Well, I'm sure she
has her reasons.
Although I... can't
imagine what they'd be.
Oh, neither can I.
And you have
beautiful blue eyes.
Wonderful disposition
the patience of a saint
and you're an excellent dancer.
True.
But I-I don't think
Carol cares about that.
Well, I do.
You're definitely a star.
Right.
Come on. Let's eat.
Well, I can pout just as
well on a full stomach.
You know, and an
interesting thing happened
when I came home
from work tonight.
I found this in the laundry basket,
as if somebody were trying to hide it.
I wasn't trying to hide it. I just
thought it ought to be washed.
You know maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe instead of
being mad at Carol
I should be happy for the
great years we've had together.
Instead of-instead of pouting,
I should give her a little gift.
Oh, that's very nice, Bob.
You know, that would
really make her feel good.
Why don't you give her
a big bunch of roses?
I was thinking maybe
a big bunch of clocks.
"Best of luck on
your future career"
and sign it.
Uh, Debbie, can you read
the last part of that back to me?
"And best of luck
on your future career.
"Signed, Debbie Flett."
No, see, Debbie, when I said
sign it, I meant "Sign my name."
Oh! Okay, Dr. Ryan.
No problem.
Oh, and Debbie, when
you sign "Dr. Ryan"
would you spell it this
time H-A-R-T-L-E-Y.
Why?
I don't know. That's the way we
used to spell it in the old country.
Uh, I don't mean
to intrude, Bob.
Debbie, listen carefully.
This is very important.
Oh, sure.
I have been expecting a
very important package, and I...
Well, do you want me
to read it back to you?
What we are having here,
Debbie, is called a conversation.
You don't have
to take this down.
Oh, right, Dr. Phillips.
And that's what I wanted
to talk to you about, Debbie.
I am not Dr. Phillips.
Well, you don't
have to apologize.
Debbie, have you been
sending back bottles of Scotch
addressed to a Dr. Newman?
I certainly have. No
Dr. Newman on our floor.
I'm Dr. Newman.
N-E-W-M-A-N.
Oh! You must be from
the old country, too.
- Uh, Debbie?
- Yes?
Where are you going?
I don't know.
I want her fired.
Let's give her a little
more time, Phil, okay?
Okay, why don't I
just give her until 2:30?
What time is it now?
2:30.
Fine. Talk to her.
Aw, come on. I
can't... fire that old bat.
I mean, you know
how sensitive I am.
Yeah, you're a regular
St. Francis of Assisi.
So, anyway, Bob, why don't you
just go on in there and take care of it?
And let me know
how it turns out.
Right.
Uh, Debbie, how-how
you coming with that letter?
Fine.
See, Debbie, you
press down like this.
- Oh, there you go.
- Ha!
Debbie, could I, uh, could I
talk to you for just a minute?
Not now, Dr. Ryan. I'm typing.
Carol... I know it's
against the rules,
but just for old times' sake,
how would you like to
go down to the cleaners'
and pick up my cleaning?
I'd sooner die.
I'd love to go! I haven't
been out all day.
That's very nice of you,
Debbie, if Bob doesn't mind.
Oh. I'm sorry, Dr. Ryan.
I didn't know that getting
the cleaning was your job.
That's all right, Debbie. Why
don't you take a little break?
Oh, well, I'll just do it
just this once, I promise.
And take-take all
the time you need.
Oh, Debbie, uh,
you'll need a ticket.
For the elevator?
No, it's for the cleaners'.
See, the address is right down
here. Thank you very much.
- Oh!
- I appreciate it.
Dry cleaners', please.
We're never gonna
see her again, Bob.
You know that, don't you?
Yes. Yes, I know
that. It's a shame.
She's the best damn
secretary I ever had.
Good ones are hard to come by.
Emily: Hi, Bob!
Hi.
How are things at the office?
It could only go better if I'd
learn shorthand and typing.
You know, I wish I could
describe the feeling I get
when I come home every night
and see Brad's smiling face.
Queasy?
That's close.
Has he grown another clock?
[chuckles] Dinner'll be
ready in a few minutes, honey.
You know, Debbie did something
today I never thought she could do.
What?
She found her way
back from the cleaners'.
Well, that's a good start.
It's too bad she
forgot the cleaning.
Bob, I'm really sorry
it's come to this.
Are you, Emily? Are you really?
Bob, if you're really upset,
why don't you talk
to Carol about this?
Wouldn't give her
the satisfaction.
Well, honey, what if she
wanted to talk to you?
Tough.
[door buzzes]
Well, what if-what if she
came over here to talk to you?
It will be a cold day in hell
when I talk to that turncoat.
Oh, Bob, Carol's
here to see you.
My, it's gotten
awfully cold in here.
I'm real glad you called, Emily.
I never called.
Right. It was someone
who sounded like you.
Probably Rich Little.
Hey, Bob, I want to explain
why I didn't choose you.
It's not necessary. You're
entitled to make up your mind
and turn on your friends.
Bob, where are you going?
I'm going to wind Brad. I think
the German clock is on the fritz.
Bob, it's really very simple. I did
not pick you because I respect...
[whispering] - And admire.
- And admire you a great deal.
Well, that makes sense.
Who'd want to work for
somebody they respect and admire?
Bob, you always get stuck in the
middle, fighting my battles for me.
I thought I could save
you some aggravation.
I thought you could
handle not being picked.
I can.
Take me back, Bob.
I-I beg your pardon?
And get rid of Debbie?
She'll never know
the difference.
She's, uh, she's
come a long way.
She called me "Dr.
Hargood" today.
Please, Bob.
Oh, come on, Bob. Do
you want Carol to grovel?
I'm just thinking of Debbie.
Are you, Bob? Are you really?
Oh, listen, let's just
forget the whole thing.
No-no, that... That's all right
if it means that much to you.
Oh, thank you, Bob.
See ya day after tomorrow.
What's wrong with tomorrow?
St. Swithin's Day.
Aren't you staying for dinner?
Oh, no, thanks. I gotta run.
No, she has to put the
presents under her Swithins tree.
Do you, uh, do
you have your car?
Yeah.
Are you, uh, are you
going by the lake?
Yeah.
Would you drop
something off for me?
Oh, I forgot to leave
you the warranty for Brad.
All the parts are replaceable.
All you have to do is
take them to "your convenient
service center in Taiwan."
I'll leave this with,
uh... He's gone!
Yeah, we know, Howard.
There's nothing we could do
about it. We called the police.
What do you mean?
I think we were hit
by the Human Fly.
The Human Fly?
Yeah, apparently he scaled
the outside of the building
got on the balcony,
then let his way in
through a one-inch
space in the screen and
took only one thing.
The Buddha?
Oh, the fiend. I'll just have
to get you another one.
Don't bother, Howard. He'll...
He knows what he wants.
He'll just come back again.
And again.
And again.
There's no time for that, Carol.
I'm late. I'm late.
For a very important date?
[laughter]
I need copies of
these medical records.
Three of everything in red,
four of everything in green
and five of everything in blue.
Well, why don't I just
do them all in plaid?
[laughter]
Just do them as soon
as you can, Carol, please.
Uh, Carol, drop everything
you're doing right now
and make up 11 copies
of this letter for me, please.
Wait a minute. I was here first.
I happen to be a doctor, and this
letter is official medical business.
Oh, well, since
you're a doctor...
Wait a minute!
I'm a doctor, too.
Well, then act like
one and wait your turn.
It is my turn! Carol,
you do my copies first.
I love a sense of humor in
a dwarf, don't you, Carol?
Who you calling a dwarf?
Just make the copies.
It's very important.
"To Whom It May Concern: Send one bottle
of Scotch to the first name on the list
and within two weeks, you
should receive 128 bottles."
That's, uh, for
medicinal purposes.
Morning, troops.
Uh, run down to the cleaner's
for me, will you, Carol?
No, she can't.
She has to make up 11 copies of
a very important document for me.
If that's another booze chain
letter, don't bother mailing me one.
Make it 10 copies, Carol.
Run down to the cleaner's right
now before they get too crowded.
She can't go now. She's
doing something for me.
After she does something for me.
Look, I need my suede
smock and I need it now.
First my copies, then the smock.
No, first the smock,
then your copies.
- Copies.
- Smock.
It should be my copies,
and then Phil's copies
and then smock.
The next guy who lays a hand
on me gets a smock in the throat.
Ah! I mean it.
Touch me, and you're all dead.
Good morning.
Carol, would you get in touch
with Mr. Peterson, please?
Well, that does it! I quit.
[laughter]
No, I'm serious, Carol.
I have to talk to him.
Get yourself
another whipping boy.
Well, you really know how to
handle people, don't you, Bob?
I hope you're satisfied.
You have a real
vicious streak in you.
If you hadn't stormed
off that elevator right now
barking your commands at
poor Carol, she'd still be here.
Now we have to replace her.
Well, just wait. She'll be
back. She quits once a year.
Well, let's replace her anyway.
I have an idea
for a replacement.
How about my Tippy?
Your what?
My wife, Tippy.
Tippy's a touch typist.
Tippy's a touch fat.
If we're gonna hire anyone, we
ought to hire a minority person.
Tippy's a minority.
That's right. She's
the wife of a dwarf.
Fellas, if you don't mind
Bob has just caused
our secretary to quit.
Well, look what the,
uh, cat dragged in.
I thought you'd be back.
Hold the elevator for
me, would you, please?
Thank you so much.
Carol, don't you think
you're acting just a bit
hasty?
Nice going, Bob.
You did it again.
I'm, uh, going after her.
While you're down there,
Bob, pick up my smock.
- Copies.
- Copies, copies, smock.
That's it. I quit.
Oh. Hi, Howard.
[grunting]
Hi, Emily. Whoops.
Oh, boy, it smells
delicious. What is it?
Oh, it's Swiss steak.
Oh. There we are.
What's the difference between
Swiss steak and American steak?
Swiss steak has holes in it.
[laughing]
That's a joke, Howard.
Oh. It's funny.
What's in the box?
Oh, that's a surprise
for you and Bob
but I don't want to open
it up till Bob gets here.
Oh. Okay.
I can't wait. Let's open it.
- Oh!
- You're gonna love this.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Wait till you see this.
Good heavens.
Yeah, it was in the
unclaimed cargo sale.
I can't believe nobody
would claim that.
Well, there's no
accounting for taste.
I want to show you something.
You see this clock up here?
This tells the time in Tokyo
and this tells the
time in Bangkok
and this the time in Berlin
and this here is... broken.
Howard, what if I want to
know what time it is in Chicago?
Just look at your watch.
Well, it was a sweet thought.
Well, I had to find a
way to pay you two
for all those dinners
I had over here.
Oh, Howard, what better way?
Thank you, darling. It's sweet.
Aw.
At it again, huh?
Hi, Bob.
Howard, you don't mind if I
horn in on your territory, do you?
Well, make it quick.
We're having Swiss steak.
Got holes in it?
[hearty laughter]
How was work?
Oh, uh, Carol quit today
for the fifth time in five years.
That's almost once a year.
Well, I rounded it off.
Well, um, did you talk
to her after it happened?
Well, I tried to catch her, but
she had the fastest elevator.
Then I tried to reach
her at home on the
phone, but her line
was busy for three hours.
Come to think of it, your
line was busy for three hours.
What happened?
I have a feeling I
should ask Emily.
Well, I don't
know all the details
but it seems it was
Carol on one side
Phil, Bernie and
Jerry on the other side
and guess who in the middle.
Who?
Bob.
I was gonna say that.
Why do I always
wind up in the middle?
Tradition?
You see, Carol simply feels that
she's overworked and underpaid
and there will have to be some
changes made before she comes back.
Like less work and more pay.
You've met my
wife, George Meany?
She's always been nice to me.
[chuckles]
There are some, uh
other minor grievances.
Oh, I love grievances.
No more outside
personal errands:
Picking up cleaning, typing
personal letters, calling girlfriends, etc.
One hour off for lunch, expandable to
one and a half hours on special days...
Like days with vowels in them?
And of course, she'll
have her birthday off
and there'll certainly be
no work on legal holidays.
Will she be in on
St. Swithin's Day?
I wouldn't count on it.
Arbor Day?
Still in committee.
Groundhog Day?
Only if she sees her shadow.
Well, I'm glad you
didn't get involved.
Well, I'm just trying to make
it easier for the rest of you.
Well, thanks,
Emily. I appreciate it.
The problem is Carol
works for too many people.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Uh, maybe she should
work for just two of us.
Now, I doubt if she'd
work for me and Newman.
Probably me and Jerry.
Or me and-me and Tupperman.
Or she could just work for you.
No, that'd be too
much of a good thing.
Okay, now that that's
settled, let's eat, okay?
Sure.
Oh, uh, Bob. Bob,
look what we got.
Oh, yeah. Wait'll you see this.
Isn't that beautiful?
What the hell is it?
Uh, Bob, it's a
present from Howard.
Yeah, can you believe
that was unclaimed?
I guess the real owners had
to get back to their own planet.
We love it, Howard.
We really do.
There's a legend behind this.
Bob: Oh, really?
Yeah. See that?
Read it.
"Hi, I'm Brad,
your Buddha clock.
"Rub my belly and your
wish will be granted."
Go ahead, Bob. Rub his belly.
I'm not gonna rub the
belly of a strange Buddha.
Oh, come on, Bob. Wish
for the thing you want most.
Did your wish come true?
No, it's still there.
Now let me see if I
have this right, Bob.
Now we all draw straws, and the
losers get stuck with Carol. Is that it?
No, that isn't right, Phil.
When she shows up, she's
gonna choose two of us.
Well, I'd just like to say to
those who aren't chosen by Carol
that in addition to touch typing
Tippy is an expert on shorthand.
Yeah, living with you, she'd
be an expert on anything short.
Okay, can we get on with
this? I got a patient in my chair
who I gave instructions
not to swallow till I get back.
Well, and why do we
need a secretary, anyway?
I mean, do we really need one?
[phone ringing]
Can it be that
difficult? Come on.
Hello. Rimpau
Medical Arts. Hello.
[phone continues to ring]
Hello?
Yeah, I think we
need a secretary, Phil.
Hello.
Oh, hello!
Uh, no. No, he isn't. Right.
Who was that?
Oh, it was nothing.
It was Tippy.
You hung up on
her? She'll kill me!
I can live with that.
- Good morning, Carol.
- Bob.
Oh, uh, good morning, Carol.
Bernie.
- Carol.
- Jer.
I don't have all day.
Phil.
Phil, I think a little
consideration would be in order.
I mean, after all, people's
feelings are at stake here.
I know this has been a very
difficult choice for Carol to make.
Not really.
Just take your time.
I'm going to work
for Bernie and Jerry.
Well, that, uh, that
settles it. I'm sorry, fellas.
She has made her decision.
A decision is a decision.
I know that sometimes this can
be a bitter pill to have to swallow
but...
Bernie and Jerry?
Yeah.
Well, Bob, we're off the hook.
You know, for a minute there I
thought you were gonna pick me.
I was, Phil, but we'd
have so much fun,
we'd never get any work done.
Well, Bob, why don't we
get together a little later
and discuss our
new secretary. Okay?
Bernie and Jerry?
Well, at least you could have
Tippy come in for an interview.
Well, it's fine with me.
Have her see the janitor.
Patient: [stifled muttering]
Oh, my God. Swallow!
Can I do anything for you, Bob?
No, you don't have
to do anything for me.
Jerry: Carol!
Uh, one of your
bosses is calling.
Uh, see you later, Bob.
Bernie and Jerry?
[sighs]
Bob, are you gonna sit on
the couch and pout all night?
No, I may go into
the den a little later.
But you are going to pout.
You bet I am, and I
have a good reason.
I'm a little short on
staff at the office.
Oh, Bob, it's only been one day.
It's been a long day,
and it's getting longer.
Oh, honey, I know how you feel.
Do you, Emily? Do you really?
Your secretary didn't
dump you in mid-stream.
Well, didn't you get a
temporary replacement?
Yeah, but I think somebody at
the employment agency hates me.
They sent me Debbie Flett again.
She doesn't even remember
my name. She's totally inept.
I had to answer my own phone,
sharpen my own pencils,
make my own coffee.
You had to do all
that by yourself?
Aw, well, no wonder.
You've got a right to pout.
You're darn tootin'.
You know, maybe you
should have hired Tippy.
She turned us down. Phil
would only offer her a dollar.
You know, I do feel
a little bit responsible.
Do you, Emily? Do you really?
Yes, I do. Slightly.
Slightly? How about entirely?
Bob, where are you going?
I'm going over here to pout.
This is my favorite pouting chair.
You know, Bob, you're
taking this much too personally.
Sometimes you have to deal with
not being the one that's chosen.
Do I, Emily? Do I really?
Yes, Bob. You do.
Well, I-I can deal with that.
Well, when are you gonna start?
When I was a kid, I
liked to play basketball.
I liked to play basketball a
lot, because I-I was good.
I mean, I wasn't-I wasn't a star
but, uh, I was good. Real good.
A lot of people thought
that-that I was a star, but
I thought I was-I was good.
Real good.
You know, sometimes
there's a very thin line between
being good-real
good- and being a star.
I got it, Bob. You liked to play,
and you were probably a star.
Exactly.
So this one day we
were choosing up sides,
and I had this
brand new basketball
with George Mikan's
autograph on it.
Who's George Mikan?
You don't know who
George Mikan is?
No.
Where were you
from 1948 to 1954?
Busy.
Anyway, we were
choosing up sides.
And there were two
of us for this one spot.
- Me...
- Practically a star.
- A star.
- Oh, excuse me.
And David Buxbaum, and he stunk.
And they picked David.
And I... I dealt with it.
You took your ball
and you went home.
Have I told you
this story already?
On our wedding
night. You were stalling.
I wasn't stalling. I
just didn't want to
come on like an animal.
Well, listen, Bob,
if Carol's not choosing
you bothers you so much,
why don't you
talk to her about it?
Well, I'm sure she
has her reasons.
Although I... can't
imagine what they'd be.
Oh, neither can I.
And you have
beautiful blue eyes.
Wonderful disposition
the patience of a saint
and you're an excellent dancer.
True.
But I-I don't think
Carol cares about that.
Well, I do.
You're definitely a star.
Right.
Come on. Let's eat.
Well, I can pout just as
well on a full stomach.
You know, and an
interesting thing happened
when I came home
from work tonight.
I found this in the laundry basket,
as if somebody were trying to hide it.
I wasn't trying to hide it. I just
thought it ought to be washed.
You know maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe instead of
being mad at Carol
I should be happy for the
great years we've had together.
Instead of-instead of pouting,
I should give her a little gift.
Oh, that's very nice, Bob.
You know, that would
really make her feel good.
Why don't you give her
a big bunch of roses?
I was thinking maybe
a big bunch of clocks.
"Best of luck on
your future career"
and sign it.
Uh, Debbie, can you read
the last part of that back to me?
"And best of luck
on your future career.
"Signed, Debbie Flett."
No, see, Debbie, when I said
sign it, I meant "Sign my name."
Oh! Okay, Dr. Ryan.
No problem.
Oh, and Debbie, when
you sign "Dr. Ryan"
would you spell it this
time H-A-R-T-L-E-Y.
Why?
I don't know. That's the way we
used to spell it in the old country.
Uh, I don't mean
to intrude, Bob.
Debbie, listen carefully.
This is very important.
Oh, sure.
I have been expecting a
very important package, and I...
Well, do you want me
to read it back to you?
What we are having here,
Debbie, is called a conversation.
You don't have
to take this down.
Oh, right, Dr. Phillips.
And that's what I wanted
to talk to you about, Debbie.
I am not Dr. Phillips.
Well, you don't
have to apologize.
Debbie, have you been
sending back bottles of Scotch
addressed to a Dr. Newman?
I certainly have. No
Dr. Newman on our floor.
I'm Dr. Newman.
N-E-W-M-A-N.
Oh! You must be from
the old country, too.
- Uh, Debbie?
- Yes?
Where are you going?
I don't know.
I want her fired.
Let's give her a little
more time, Phil, okay?
Okay, why don't I
just give her until 2:30?
What time is it now?
2:30.
Fine. Talk to her.
Aw, come on. I
can't... fire that old bat.
I mean, you know
how sensitive I am.
Yeah, you're a regular
St. Francis of Assisi.
So, anyway, Bob, why don't you
just go on in there and take care of it?
And let me know
how it turns out.
Right.
Uh, Debbie, how-how
you coming with that letter?
Fine.
See, Debbie, you
press down like this.
- Oh, there you go.
- Ha!
Debbie, could I, uh, could I
talk to you for just a minute?
Not now, Dr. Ryan. I'm typing.
Carol... I know it's
against the rules,
but just for old times' sake,
how would you like to
go down to the cleaners'
and pick up my cleaning?
I'd sooner die.
I'd love to go! I haven't
been out all day.
That's very nice of you,
Debbie, if Bob doesn't mind.
Oh. I'm sorry, Dr. Ryan.
I didn't know that getting
the cleaning was your job.
That's all right, Debbie. Why
don't you take a little break?
Oh, well, I'll just do it
just this once, I promise.
And take-take all
the time you need.
Oh, Debbie, uh,
you'll need a ticket.
For the elevator?
No, it's for the cleaners'.
See, the address is right down
here. Thank you very much.
- Oh!
- I appreciate it.
Dry cleaners', please.
We're never gonna
see her again, Bob.
You know that, don't you?
Yes. Yes, I know
that. It's a shame.
She's the best damn
secretary I ever had.
Good ones are hard to come by.
Emily: Hi, Bob!
Hi.
How are things at the office?
It could only go better if I'd
learn shorthand and typing.
You know, I wish I could
describe the feeling I get
when I come home every night
and see Brad's smiling face.
Queasy?
That's close.
Has he grown another clock?
[chuckles] Dinner'll be
ready in a few minutes, honey.
You know, Debbie did something
today I never thought she could do.
What?
She found her way
back from the cleaners'.
Well, that's a good start.
It's too bad she
forgot the cleaning.
Bob, I'm really sorry
it's come to this.
Are you, Emily? Are you really?
Bob, if you're really upset,
why don't you talk
to Carol about this?
Wouldn't give her
the satisfaction.
Well, honey, what if she
wanted to talk to you?
Tough.
[door buzzes]
Well, what if-what if she
came over here to talk to you?
It will be a cold day in hell
when I talk to that turncoat.
Oh, Bob, Carol's
here to see you.
My, it's gotten
awfully cold in here.
I'm real glad you called, Emily.
I never called.
Right. It was someone
who sounded like you.
Probably Rich Little.
Hey, Bob, I want to explain
why I didn't choose you.
It's not necessary. You're
entitled to make up your mind
and turn on your friends.
Bob, where are you going?
I'm going to wind Brad. I think
the German clock is on the fritz.
Bob, it's really very simple. I did
not pick you because I respect...
[whispering] - And admire.
- And admire you a great deal.
Well, that makes sense.
Who'd want to work for
somebody they respect and admire?
Bob, you always get stuck in the
middle, fighting my battles for me.
I thought I could save
you some aggravation.
I thought you could
handle not being picked.
I can.
Take me back, Bob.
I-I beg your pardon?
And get rid of Debbie?
She'll never know
the difference.
She's, uh, she's
come a long way.
She called me "Dr.
Hargood" today.
Please, Bob.
Oh, come on, Bob. Do
you want Carol to grovel?
I'm just thinking of Debbie.
Are you, Bob? Are you really?
Oh, listen, let's just
forget the whole thing.
No-no, that... That's all right
if it means that much to you.
Oh, thank you, Bob.
See ya day after tomorrow.
What's wrong with tomorrow?
St. Swithin's Day.
Aren't you staying for dinner?
Oh, no, thanks. I gotta run.
No, she has to put the
presents under her Swithins tree.
Do you, uh, do
you have your car?
Yeah.
Are you, uh, are you
going by the lake?
Yeah.
Would you drop
something off for me?
Oh, I forgot to leave
you the warranty for Brad.
All the parts are replaceable.
All you have to do is
take them to "your convenient
service center in Taiwan."
I'll leave this with,
uh... He's gone!
Yeah, we know, Howard.
There's nothing we could do
about it. We called the police.
What do you mean?
I think we were hit
by the Human Fly.
The Human Fly?
Yeah, apparently he scaled
the outside of the building
got on the balcony,
then let his way in
through a one-inch
space in the screen and
took only one thing.
The Buddha?
Oh, the fiend. I'll just have
to get you another one.
Don't bother, Howard. He'll...
He knows what he wants.
He'll just come back again.
And again.
And again.