The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Great Rent Strike - full transcript

- Emily: Bob?
- Bob: Yeah.

Emily: Are you getting hot?

Bob: In what sense?

Emily: In the sense that this
bedroom is as hot as an oven.

No wonder I feel
like a rump roast.

I could open a window.

Are you crazy? It's
below zero outside.

Yesterday was the coldest
it's been in Chicago since 1910.

How would you remember
that? You were just a teenager.

Oh, great. Now we're
hermetically sealed.

Never thought I
would die in a sauna.



I'm gonna check the thermostat.

It's broken. I
tried it 10 times.

Maybe you just don't
know how to use it.

The thermostat
is a very delicate,

sensitive piece of equipment.

You have to do
it very carefully.

It's all in the fingers.

Piece of junk!

- Who are you calling?
- The landlord.

Hello. Yes. I'd like to report

excessive heat in apartment 523.

Hello?

Great.

- Recording, right?
- Right.



I got the same recording when
I called about the shower drain.

What's wrong with
the shower drain?

It doesn't.

Doesn't anything
work in this apartment?

Yeah, the furnace.

Oh, I wish the air
conditioner worked.

It's just as well. The
cold air and hot air

would probably meet
above our bed and hail on us.

You know, I have
another suggestion

but you probably
wouldn't go for it.

I'll try anything.

- We could sleep in the nude.
- Forget it.

Figured.

I'm gonna take my clothes off.

Emily, physical
discomfort is largely mental.

It's all in your mind.

If you think cool,
you'll be cool.

Let's just imagine
that... That we're on

a snow-capped
peak in Switzerland...

pining for fondue.

Ready, set, pine.

Boy, I would really
like some fondue.

Brr.

It worked, Bob. I'm starving.

I'm gonna make some eggs.

You gonna sweat
over a hot stove?

No, I'm gonna bring the eggs in
here and fry them on your stomach.

Good morning, Bob.

- Don't.
- Don't what?

Don't be hardy. I can't
take hardy this morning.

Same goes for jolly,
breezy, and cheery.

How about being
bashful, grumpy, or dopey?

How about being quiet?

Or we could be quiet.

I'm sorry, Carol.

I didn't get any
sleep last night.

Oh, so you're sleepy!

Everything's gone
wrong in the apartment.

The shower doesn't work.
The windows won't open.

Last night, the
heat went berserk.

Melted a plastic
bag in my closet

and laminated my tuxedo.

What does your landlord say?

He says, "This is a recording.
Leave your name and number,

and I'll get back to
you when I feel like it."

Oh, well, why don't
you write him a letter?

Good idea. Carol, take a letter.

Dear recording...

Lots of luck if you want a
letter typed by this bimbo.

Oh, Jer.

Jer, our association has
spanned approximately five years,

and it's been a
good association,

but if that association
is to continue,

there must be one unspoken
but clear understanding to wit.

If you ever again
refer to me as a bimbo,

I will rip your spleen out.

That's fair.

Sure, you don't
need your spleen.

I'm telling you, Bob,
she'll mess up your letter.

The "S" key on her
typewriter doesn't work.

So every time you dictate
a word that's got an "S" in it,

she just makes up her own word.

That's gratitude.

I busted my "S"
typing your letters.

Carol, I want you
to type my letter

whether your "S"
is busted or not.

Okay.

- Who you writing to, Bob?
- My landlord.

The apartment is a
mess. I'm really steamed.

Let him have it. Don't
pull any punches.

- Dear sir.
- Dear swine.

Dear guy.

- I am shocked.
- I'm sickened.

I am annoyed.

- By the slipshod service.
- By the sloppy screw-ups.

By the boo-boo.

Of your so-called
superintendent.

Of your slimy subordinate.

Of your jerky helper.

Let's see how that reads so far.

"Dear guy, I am annoyed

by the boo-boo of
your jerky helper."

I don't know, Carol.

Somehow the sting has
come out of it, you know?

Or I should say, the ting.

What a bimbo.

Hi, Carol. Hi, Robinson.

- Hi, Carlin.
- Dr. Hartley in?

Yeah, but don't be too cheery.

No problem.

Listen, Elliot, you own a
lot of apartment buildings.

Maybe you can help Bob, 'cause he's
having a lot of trouble with his landlord.

If it has anything to
do with real estate,

I'm your man. I wrote
the book on real estate.

I got it all right up here.

I notice your book's
wearing a rug.

Look, Robinson, we're both
too busy for childish insults.

I'm an investor,
you're a dentist.

So why don't I go invest?

And why don't you
go brush your nose?

Landlord got you down?

No need to frown.
Carlin's around.

I'll be with you in a
minute, Mr. Carlin.

I have some problems
with my landlord.

What are you doing about it?

I'm writing him a
threatening letter.

How do you spell spleen?

A letter is not the answer.

Well, what is? I really
could use your help.

Well, you've come
to the right man.

Over here.

Uh-uh, wrong chair.

That's the helper chair.

The helpee belongs over here.

Is this really necessary?

Fair is fair, big guy.

It's really a quite
simple problem.

Hold it. Flat on your back,

feet up, stare at the ceiling.

Now, this is silly.

How does it feel when the
shoe's on the other foot?

I never made you lie down
and stare at the ceiling.

You have your
style, I have my style.

Now lie down.

Well, my problem is very simple.

Hey, this is really nice,

sitting here in
the catbird seat,

listening to some poor
wretch spill out his guts.

My apartment building is a mess

and the landlord won't
do anything about it.

You want to go with
that thought, Bob?

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know. That's what
you always say to me.

How do you feel
about your landlord?

Angry.

And how do you feel
about your mother?

Look, if you're gonna play
games, let's just forget it.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Okay, now, uh, here's
what you ought to do.

Organize a rent strike.

Nobody pays any rent
until everything's fixed.

That'll hit the slumlord
where he lives.

He doesn't live there.

Why should he? His
place sounds like a dump.

You really think the
rent strike thing will work?

Do I think it'll work?
Does a cow moo?

Yeah.

Then it'll work.

Thank you very much, Mr. Carlin.

Let's get started on
your session, all right?

Boy, you really
got it soft, Hartley.

Well, what's new in your life?

Oh, nothing much.

The other night, I
was taking a shower,

and I think Tony
Perkins tried to kill me.

Well, at least
your shower works.

Bob, that's ice
on those windows.

That's because it's ten
degrees below zero outside.

Yeah, but it's 98
degrees inside.

Isn't life funny?

Hello. This is Bob
Hartley in apartment 523.

Are you and your
husband as hot as we are?

I didn't mean anything by that.

I'm organizing a rent strike,

and I wanted to get your
signature on a petition.

Hello. Hello.

I never knew there were so many
sniveling cowards in this building.

Oh, I did.

Remember when I
got stuck in the elevator

and I pressed the
emergency button?

Everybody heard it, but
nobody wanted to get involved.

I would have helped,
but I was late for golf.

You're gonna have to
fight this all by yourself, Bob.

That's all right.

I'd rather light just
one little candle

than curse the darkness.

- I'd rather curse.
- I mean it, Emily.

It's about time that somebody
stood up and was counted.

Were counted?

Was counted.

And that somebody is I, me, us.

That's the man I married...

A man with a lot of courage and
a serious grammatical problem.

Well, I gotta be I.

Come in.

Hi, Emily. Hi, Bob. Can
I borrow two aspirin?

Sure. I'll get them for
you right away, Howard.

Howard, you can't
borrow aspirin.

We'll make them a gift.

Oh, I get it. For tax purposes.

I was just about
to call you, Howard.

I'm not at home.

Yeah, I know.

See, I'm very upset

with what's happening
in the building,

like this heat.

You feel it, too.

Oh, thank goodness.

I thought my malaria was back.

Here you are, Howard.
Here's your aspirin.

I don't need it now. I'm cured.

Howard, I'm calling
for a rent strike.

I don't think any of us should pay
our rent until they provide services.

I don't think we should
bring religion into this.

Howard, this has
nothing to do with religion.

It's a matter of principle.

Bob's gonna fight
this for all of us.

Ah! That's exciting but dumb.

I had a friend
who did that once.

His landlord took him to court.

He lost his apartment,
his savings, and his teeth.

Wait a minute. How'd
he lose his teeth?

Just careless.

I think you're going to get
kicked out of your apartment.

- Are you with me or not?
- I'm with you all the way.

- Great. Sign the petition.
- I'd be glad to.

Now, when can you picket?

- I love to picket.
- Fine. When?

Well, let me see, I'm going
to Pittsburgh tomorrow.

I don't think it would be too good
to picket there. That won't help.

Ah! But I'm gonna
be back in three days.

Oh, no, no, no,

then I'm going to
fly to New Orleans,

but I'll be back.

Then I'm going to
Paris and Rome.

I'll be gone for a month,
but I do love to picket.

Save me a sign.

At least we can count on
General Ulysses S. Grant.

I'm gonna get a
blast of cold air.

Well, Bob, make sure
you close the door.

It's freezing outside.

There's no winning
with you, is there?

- Emily: Bob?
- Bob: Yeah.

Emily: Are you getting hot?

Bob: Are you crazy?

How can it be so hot one
night and so cold the next?

Isn't life funny?

Do we have any more blankets?

Oh, come on, Bob, it's all
in your head, remember?

Just pretend you're in the
hottest place you've ever been.

That's just dumb.

Yeah, that's what I thought
the first time I heard it.

Any more suggestions?

I think we should sing.

Great. Why?

'Cause if we fall asleep,
we'll freeze to death.

Any particular song?

Yeah, something
warm, like "Summertime",

or she wore an

"Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie
Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini".

We'd be dead by the
time we finished that song.

Bob, did you hear that?

That's probably just
the building breaking.

What if it's a burglar?

Think positive, Emily.
It could be an arsonist.

Howard...

Anyone notice a temperature
change from last night?

Could be just a
tad colder tonight.

I think we should complain.

Good idea, General Grant.

Bob's already
organizing a rent strike.

That's a good idea.

Anything I could do to help?

Quit hogging the covers.

Oh, stop your bellyaching.
At least you're in the middle.

All right, this is silly.

I'm going to a motel.

Yeah, I think we should all go.

I'm not gonna go anywhere.

See this thing through
to the bitter end.

Where do you
want to stay, Emily?

Hawaii.

I should warn you,
Howard. She snores.

I guess we can't
stay in the same room.

That's fine with me.

That's all right with me if Bob
wants to pay for two rooms.

We'll see you in
the morning, Bob.

- Okay.
- So long, cowards.

♪ Summertime ♪

♪ And the living is easy ♪

♪ Fish are jumping ♪

♪ And the cotton is high ♪

♪ Oh, your daddy's rich ♪

Okay, open a
little wider, please.

Wow.

Carol, how often do you
have your keys cleaned?

You know how it is.

You can't always brush
between dictations.

Some are in terrible shape.

A couple are gonna
have to come out.

I cannot understand it.

My grandmother had her
original keys when she died.

That's all well and good, but
we're talking about your keys.

You can't keep feeding them

a steady diet of
junky carbon paper

and expect them
to go on forever.

This is all cute as hell,
now fix the typewriter.

All finished.

There. Give it a try.

No charge.

Hot coffee!

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Carlin.

Don't apologize.

We're both professionals.

We each run our
shop in our own way.

I'm not here to sit in
judgment if you choose

to straggle in
looking like a bum.

I had a terrible night
last night, and I feel awful.

Some guys can hold the
sauce, and some can't.

The reason I look like this

is because the heat
went out in our building

the pipes banged all night,
and I couldn't get any sleep.

What you need is
a good, stiff drink.

That rent strike idea of
yours isn't worth a damn.

Forget the rent strike. I
talked to your landlord.

Did he say anything?

Does a donkey bray?

Is he gonna do something?

First tell me if a donkey brays.

Yes. Is he gonna do something?

It's too late. He
sold the place.

- Who's the new owner?
- You're looking at him.

You bought our building?

Does a goose honk?

That's sensational.

Now we can get
maintenance, paint, heat.

We'll see.

What do you mean, "We'll see"?

The former owner told me
this building is in great shape.

Who am I supposed to believe?

A trusted member of the
real estate community?

Or some bleeding heart tenant?

You're not gonna
do anything, are you?

That would be a major
capital expenditure.

- The answer is no.
- Does a billy goat bleat?

Mr. Carlin, would
you sit over here?

I want to get
something off my chest.

Oh, sure.

It's really good for you to
get in touch with your feelings.

Now, what seems
to be the problem?

Well, it's just that I
suddenly have this...

uncontrollable urge
to kill my landlord.

Our time is up.

You mean he flatly
refuses to fix anything?

Does an owl hoot?

Guess what.

The elevator's broken.

You mean you had
to use the stairs?

Yeah. We're trapped.

If I know Carlin,
he'll probably rent

the space out to
a tall, thin family.

They won't be the first ones
in this building to get the shaft.

What's Carlin got
to do with this?

He's our new landlord.

That's great.

No, it's rotten. He
won't fix anything.

That's rotten.

The only way I can
get him near here

is to schedule a
session here tonight.

That's a great idea.

Why is that a great idea?

Ask Bob. It's his idea.

You know Carlin is
not gonna show up.

Oh, yes, he is.

He needs me more
than I need him.

And just think,

he's gonna have to
walk up all those stairs...

in the cold.

You know something?
Sometime Bob scares me.

Who is it?

It's your landlord. Open up.

Not by the hair of
our chinny-chin-chin.

Howard, he's only
gonna huff and puff.

We'd better let him in.

Oh, come on, Bob,
let's stand up to him.

Let's tell him what we think.

Come in, Mr. Carlin.

Hi, tenants.

Oh, how you doing, Borden?

Oh, hello, sir. Well,
I was just leaving.

Boy, am I lucky to
live in this building.

You have a nice
walk up the stairs?

Only way to go. I love stairs.

Great exercise. Increases
your appetite, too.

I'd offer you a cup of
coffee, but the stove is frozen.

Oh, no thanks.

I hope the sound of cool air
whistling through the heat vent

doesn't bother you
during our session.

It's quite soothing.

Well, if you two
will excuse me...

Where are you going?

To bed.

Don't forget your gloves.

Hey, I would like a
glass of iced coffee.

Good solid door.

You're not gonna crack, are you?

Crack? What do you mean?

Look around. The place is mess.

Hey, the furniture's
not my responsibility.

Everything else is
your responsibility...

The heat, the
shower, the elevator.

How's your closet space?

That's it. Get out, Mr. Carlin.

What do you mean, buster?

This is my session,
I'm paying for it.

Forget the money,
forget the session.

We're through.

If you're still so insensitive
to another person's misery,

then I haven't done
a very good job.

Yeah, but you are cheap.

I mean it, get out.

Find yourself somebody else.

Okay, that's the way it is.

Go ahead, foreclose
on my sanity.

I'll go it alone from now on.

It's just me against the world.

- Fine!
- Fine!

How long has it been since this
place has had a new coat of paint?

Two years.

It's holding up well.

Okay. I'll repaint
the whole place.

What about the shower,
the heat, the elevator?

- Consider them fixed.
- Thanks.

The closet door squeaks.

Don't press your luck.

Okay, I'll have them oiled.

Thanks for your
prompt attention.

Now, how about my session?

Okay. Have a seat.

No, better yet,

lie down here and put your
feet up and stare at the ceiling.

- What do you mean?
- Do it!

Okay.

Hey, there's a crack
in the ceiling plaster.

Aha!

You really got me where
you want me now, don't you.?

Does a frog croak?

- Emily: Bob.
- Bob: Yeah.

- Emily: You awake?
- Bob: Yeah.

Emily: If they don't do something
about the heat tomorrow,

I'm gonna report Carlin to
the Better Business Bureau.

Bob: Emily, these
things take time.

At least the shower's fixed.

Yeah, but I'm
afraid to go in it.

The plumber looked too
much like Tony Perkins.

All right, I'll call
him tomorrow.

I'll have him come
down here. I'm freezing.

Will you guys hold it
down? I'm trying to sleep.