The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 4 - Still Crazy After All These Years - full transcript

Oh, Jer.

I have your reservations
for your Mexico trip.

Ah, magnificent Mexico!

Enchiladas, burritos, tostadas!

Turistas!

Thank you.

Don't thank me, thank Larry.

My husband the travel agent.

The one who got
you these tickets?

Oh, right.

Wait a minute, the Hotel Smith?



What's Mexican about that?

Nothing, but nothing
is what you're paying.

Look at this. There's
nothing in here

except warning about what will
happen to you if you drink the water

or steal a towel.

"Anyone caught stealing a towel

will be forced to
drink the water."

What's a vacation if
you can't steal a towel?

Oh, Jer, Larry's
planning Bob's vacation.

You do not hear him complaining.

Yeah, well, he's not
staying in some two-bit hotel.

That's because he's willing
to spend more than two bits.

How much can a dude
ranch in Arizona cost?

I'm sorry, that's
privileged information



between a travel
agent and his dude.

Well, this Hotel Smith
sounds like el rip-off to me.

It can't be that bad.

You'll be staying in the
Jose Rivera memorial suite.

What the hell's that?

It's named for a guy
called Jose Rivera

who was executed
in your very room.

Probably for stealing towels.

Good morning, Carol.

I'd like to have you
meet Dr. Ned Podbillion,

a colleague of mine.

- Hello.
- Carol. How are you?

I'm okay.

That's fine. Fine and dandy.

Why don't we
step into my office?

Fine and dandy.

I can only stay a short while.

Yeah, Carol, hold my calls.

Fine and dandy.

I haven't been in this
office in eight years.

It's amazing. You
haven't changed a thing.

I got a new desk calendar.

Why do you do it?

The old one keeps
getting filled up.

I mean, why do you
keep working in an office?

It's either work
here or out of my car.

I gave up my office
three years ago

when I developed my
new therapy technique.

Offices are old hat.

So is traditional psychology.

Let's face it, Bob,

psychologists today
are stuck in a rut.

All we do is repeat ourselves.

- Repeat ourselves?
- Repeat ourselves.

I don't think we
repeat ourselves.

But we do repeat ourselves.

- How?
- How?

Yeah, how?

Using the same old method
over and over and over

again and again
and again and again.

I see what you mean.

One hour a week with
a patient isn't enough.

That's why I came up
with the Podbillion Process.

The Podbillion Process?

Podbillion Process.

We're repeating ourselves again.

The Podbillion Process
is worth repeating.

I take the patient into my home.

I stay with him night
and day, day and night.

I never let him or
her out of my sight

until he or she is back on
his or her feet or foot again.

Feet or footó

I have one man
with a wooden leg.

I know that concentrated therapy

can have a dramatic
effect on a patient,

but it doesn't seem to
last any length of time.

Mine does.

Do you remember the
patient you referred to me,

Rune Denhart?

The man with the unnatural
fear of public transportation.

He now drives a bus.

I must say, I'm impressed.

Of course you are.

And with the Podbillion
Process it only took two weeks.

Can't argue with success.

You can, but you'd be wrong.

Two weeks is such a short time.

Well, any longer and I'd
only be repeating myself,

and I never repeat
myself. Never.

Never ever.

Do you remember the patient
you referred to me, Rune Denhart?

The man that had the unnatural
fear of public transportation?

He now drives a cab.

You said he drove a bus.

He does, but I
never repeat myself.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Well, what do you think?

I'll be daggone.

Well, I got to fade it
down so it looks old.

Why?

Bob, we're going
to a dude ranch.

The last thing we
want to look like

is a couple of dudes
when we get on our horses.

Oh, I found a way around that.

I'm not getting on one.

Then, Bob, why are we
going to a dude ranch?

To play golf.

Honey, if I'm going
to get on horses,

I think you really ought to try.

Emily I have never
ridden one in my life.

Oh, Bob, it's so simple.

Let's just pretend
the couch in a horse.

You put your left
foot in the stirrup

and then you just swing
your right leg over like that.

Come on, you try it.

I'm afraid.

Easy big fella. Easy.

Left foot there, right,
and swing it over.

There, that's very good.

I think he likes me.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Maybe I better come back later.

Howard, Emily is teaching
me to ride. This is a horse.

Oh, nice. I have
one just like it.

I brought back your golf clubs.

Why do you need them?

Well, in the first
place, they're mine.

And in the second
place, I want to play gold.

Oh, when?

Next week on our vacation.

You're going on vacation?
Nobody told me that.

How long are you
going to be gone for?

About ten days.

Ten days? My plants
will die in ten days.

Who's going to water them?

- Where will you be?
- Home. Why?

Why don't you water them?

You always water my plants.

You know I have a
tendency to drown things.

That's why I don't
have any pets.

Stay away from our horse.

How could you do this to me?

I'll be all alone.

Oh, Howard, it's not
the end of the world.

You're overreacting.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're
acting irrationally.

Don't you think I'm
playing with a full deck?

Howard, you've got a full deck,

it's just that sometimes
you like to pass the deal.

You know, Howard, Bob and I
have been concerned for some time

about you being so
dependent on people.

What people?

Us.

Howard, I don't want
you to take this wrong,

but maybe it wouldn't
be such a bad idea

if you got a little help
with your problem.

You know, maybe if
you saw a psychologist.

What's that supposed to mean?

Howard, you rely
on us for everything.

I clean your apartment,
we do your laundry,

balance your checkbooks,
make all your meals.

Who's going to do all those
things when you're gone?

Howard, who is the person that
you admire most in the entire world?

John Wayne.

Do you think John Wayne relies on
his friends to do everything for him?

The Duke doesn't need friends.

- There you go.
- Where?

I think what Bob
is trying to say

is that maybe you should
emulate John Wayne.

Emulate John Wayne?

He'd kill me before
I even got near him.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

Maybe I do need a psychologist.

Well, it's a thought.

Let's start now, okay?

Howard, I can't be your
psychologist. We're too close.

But if you wait
until I come back,

I'll find somebody for you.

That's too late.
My plants will die.

Howard, this takes time.

It could take a lot of visits.

Well, I'll go every day.

I need independence fast.

I owe it to my plants.

Bob, what about Ned Podbillion?

You said he was fast.

Well, he's fast, but his
methods are a little unorthodox.

I'll never know the difference.

You'll have to go to his
house every day for two weeks.

You'll even have
to live at the house.

You think if I brought my
plants over, he'd water them?

Again and again and again.

That's good. That's good.

You'll get along fine.

All right, I'll call
him tomorrow.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

I feel more independent already.

I feel like I'm standing
on my own two feet.

Howard, if there's
anything else we can do...

Well, there is one thing.

Don't leave me!

Come on, Bob. What do you say?

What's the first thing
that springs to your mind?

Fried chicken.

No, Bob, mystery.

You see, nobody in Mexico City

will think that I'm a tourist.

They'll be too busy laughing.

That is one opinion.

You want a third opinion?

No.

So what do you want
me to bring you back

from south of the border?

Oh, I don't know.

One of those sombreros with
those little fringe balls on it.

You got it. What color?

I don't care. Something that
will go with more than one suit.

Right.

- Hi, Howard.
- Oh, hi.

What can I get for you
while I'm in Mexico City?

Oh, some petticoat hangers.

Petticoat hangers? You
can get those right here.

I don't care where you
get them. Just get them.

What's up, Howard?

I just met Dr. Podbillion.

So I see.

Yeah, he said he could help me.

I'm going over to
his house tonight.

I'm really nervous.

You find carrying a
cactus calms you down?

Oh, that. Would
you mind taking this

to the desert with you
for a couple of weeks?

Why?

Well, it's not doing too
well. I think it's homesick.

Oh, Bob, you won't
tell anybody in Arizona

that I'm seeing a shrink.

It may not even come up, Howard.

You see, I'm really worried,

I don't know what to expect.

Well, just... Just
take it easy, Howard.

Yeah, what am I
supposed to wear?

Where am I supposed to sit?
What am I supposed to call him?

Will there be snacks?
Where's the bathroom?

What's your had size?

I don't know.

What's my hat size?

Howard, relax. This has
to do with my sombrero.

Large.

Oh, but I want the
fringe balls medium.

Where are you
staying in Mexico City?

The Hotel Smith.

No kidding.

You know The Hotel Smith?

Yeah, don't steal their towels.

Ah, so I've heard.

Yeah.

They'll... they'll name
a suite after you,

but it's not worth it.

It was a lovely vacation,
but I'm sure glad to be home.

I've seen enough
of horses for a while.

Don't say that in
front of old blue.

What's all that stuff?

I expected the mail to pile up,

but this is ridiculous.

Well, maybe we've
been burglarized.

Burglars don't deliver, Emily.

That's a great shirt.

Well, it's yours. I gave
it to you for your birthday

two years ago.

I don't remember.

Oh, that's right.

Howard borrowed it
while I was wrapping it.

Bob, this is all stuff
Howard borrowed.

No, it isn't. We gave
him this on his birthday.

It's even initialed.

Oh, he loves this racket.

Who is it?

It's your next-door
neighbor, Howard Borden.

Oh, come in.

Welcome home.

Thanks, Howard.

Did you have a
pleasant vacation?

Oh, we had a lovely time.

I rode horses and
Bob rode a golf cart.

Well, then, you both enjoyed
yourself fine and dandy.

You can see I returned some of
the things I borrowed over the years.

I'm sorry I took so
long in returning them,

but I promise it won't
happen again. Goodnight.

Well, Howard.

Howard, you don't
have to leave right away.

Oh, well, you're
probably fatigued.

Oh, in anticipation
of your coming back,

I aired out your apartment.

Thank you.

And I noticed your refrigerator
had considerable frost built up,

so I took the
liberty to defrost it.

Uh, you didn't saddle up Old
Blue and take it for a run, did you?

Old Blue?

The, uh, the couch.

Bob, that doesn't make sense.

A couch can't run.

Just... just a joke, Howard.

And a fine one,
too. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Howard.

Howard, why did you return this?

It was a gift.

I don't accept gifts anymore,
that's a sign of dependency.

How are you and
Dr. Podbillion getting along?

Fine and dandy.

Dr. Podbillion is the finest
man I ever met in my entire life.

Oh, can I fix you a drink?

I neither condemn nor condone the
use of alcoholic beverages for others.

I myself no longer feel
the need for artificial stimuli.

But thank you. We must
do this again sometime.

Howard.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong? I never
felt better in my whole life.

Well, you're not yourself.

Thanks to Dr. Podbillion,
I'm not myself.

I'm me.

Good morning.

Well, I'll be hornswoggled if ain't
cowboy Bob back from the ranch.

You the new schoolmarm?

No. I'm the town receptionist.

Wanna rustle me up some grub?

The coffee's pretty grubby,
how about some of that?

I take it you had a nice
time on your vacation?

Oh, it was a great
dude ranch, I shot 83.

Jerry back yet?

Nope. He didn't
leave 'til this morning,

so he won't be
back 'til next week.

How come?

Well, Jerry found out
he could fly cheaper

if he went with a
charter group, you see.

So he took off this morning
with 52 nuns from Indiana.

They call themselves
The Holy Hoosiers.

Well, you don't have to
tell me who their co-pilot is.

Carol... Bob, you're
back, fine and dandy.

I want to talk to you
about Howard Borden.

Good, I want to talk
to you about him, too.

Let's go in my office.

Fine and dandy.

And, uh, Carol, no
calls, no interruptions.

Fine and d... Fine, fine.

Howard Borden
is a textbook case.

Why is that?

Because he's going
to be in my textbook.

I call it "The Remarkable Podbillion
Process by the Remarkable Ned Podbillion."

That's remarkable.

And when it sweeps the
nation, I'm going to be famous.

What about Howard?

Well, he'll be famous, too.

I'd like to take him
on tour with me.

He'll be a very big attraction.

Why don't you just
shoot him out of a canon.

You make this sound
like some sort of circus.

Actually, it's just going
to be Howard and myself.

Possibly an opening act.

How about Jerry Vale?

Much too expensive.

You know, Howard's been
my neighbor for six years.

He's my friend and I like him.

I mean, Howard's always
been a little irresponsible,

he's always been a
little too dependent.

He's always been
a bit of a nuisance,

but he always had
his own personality.

Now, unfortunately,
he has yours.

Do I sense the ugly specter
of professional jealousy?

No, but I sense
you're on an ego trip.

That's ridiculous,
I'm too fine a person.

So is Howard, and I'm
going to do everything I can

to stop him from going
to Vegas with you.

Fine and dandy.

There are thousands
of Howard Bordens,

and I can make each and
every one of them a better person.

You mean process
them the Podbillion way?

Exactly.

Ned, it isn't going to work.

You can take the
joy out of a man,

but you can't take the man...

out of the joy.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, that didn't
come out right,

but if I have anything
to say about it,

Howard will.

Fine and dandy.

And Ned.

Yes.

Here's a dollar.

Don't ever say fine
and dandy to me again.

Fine and...

When did Howard say
he was coming over?

Promptly at 8:00 when he
finishes watching William Buckley.

William Buckley?

Yeah, he's
interviewing Gore Vidal.

Oh, that explains it.

Howard's always
been a fan of Gore's.

You know, I can't help
feeling that we're baiting at trap.

We are, Emily.

We're baiting it with roast
beef and mashed potatoes,

all the things that
Howard loves.

Now, if we can get him
to stay here for dinner,

we got him.

Did you make gravy?

What's bait without gravy?

It's Howard Borden,
your neighbor.

Uh, come in, Howard.

Hello. I'm responding to
your request that I stop by.

Well, we're glad you did.

Won't you sit down, Howard?

Fine and dandy.

Is there a purpose for
your asking me to stop by,

or is this a... Is this
a social function?

A social function.

Oh.

So how are things
with William and Gore?

At odds with each
other as usual.

We're... we're gonna
have dinner in a little while.

Yeah.

Roast beef, mashed
potatoes, broccoli.

Sounds well balanced.

Why don't you stay
for dinner, Howard?

Oh, that's very
kind of you, Bob,

but I was planning to
make myself an omelet,

I was just on my way to
the store to get some eggs.

Oh, why don't you
have some of ours.

Uh, no, thank you.

Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

I'll tell you why not,

because neither a
borrower nor a lender be.

Dr. Podbillion said that.

Well, Ben
Franklin said it first.

Oh. Then it was
Dr. Podbillion who said,

"God takes care of those
who take care of themselves."

No, Ben Franklin said that, too.

Oh, then it was
Dr. Podbillion who said,

"Early to bed..."

Franklin?

Good man, Franklin.

Howard, it's silly for you to

run all the way down to
the market for a couple eggs.

Yeah, just take these.

Well, if it's no
trouble, I think I'll...

No, no, no, I... I can't.

Well, Howard, it's not trouble.

As a matter of fact, why
don't you stay for dinner.

Oh, I can't, I wouldn't be
standing on my own two feet.

You know, there's an interesting
thing about food, Howard.

When you come into
someone's apartment,

you can always tell
what's cooking, you know,

you can just smell
the succulent aroma

of roast beef as it
sizzles in the oven.

Yeah, the pungent
aroma of broccoli

as it simmers on the stove.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And the mouthwatering
heady smell of gravy

as it bubbles on the pan.

And... No, no, no.

I can't... I can't
stay for dinner.

I gotta iron my shirts.

Well, you'll have
to borrow our iron.

I don't need an iron. I'll
put it under the mattress.

I'll sleep on it.

Howard, Howard,
I'll iron it for you.

Hey, what's going on
here? I don't get this.

First you want me to
be independent, right?

And now you want me to
borrow things and stay for dinner.

Boy, what are you
doing, testing me?

No.

Well, that's a
strange turn of events.

Howard, we just... We
kind of miss the old you.

I thought you didn't
like me leaning on you.

Well, Howard,
every now and then,

we all have to get by with
a little help from our friends.

Who said that?

The Beatles.

Oh, yeah. Now I'm so
confused I don't know who I am.

Howard, are you happy?

No.

Are you hungry?

Yeah.

Well, then, why don't
you stay for dinner?

Well, if I stayed for dinner,

I mean, I'd become
dependent all over again.

After all, I just spent two
weeks in intensive therapy

learning how to be independent.

I mean, this is a decision
that's not easy to make.

You know what I mean?

Yesiree, I'm really gonna
have to think about this one.

Can we have asparagus
tips instead of broccoli?

Sure.

How does it feel to have
the old Howard back?

Fine and dandy.

Bob. I thought you were
gonna be in at 9:00 this morning,

you're kind of late.

Emily had an early staff meeting

so I had to cook
breakfast for Howard.

I had to poach the eggs three
times before I got them right.

He isn't easy to cook for.

What man is?

Well, holy Hoosier,
look who's back.

Hi.

How was Mexico?

Ah, romance,
moonlight, mariachis.

Struck out, huh?

Si.

But I saved an enormous
amount of money

by not staying at
the Hotel Smith.

Well, yeah, where'd you stay?

I stayed in the convent.