The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 3 - Some of My Best Friends Are... - full transcript

Well, we seem to have
run out of things to say.

Why don't we pray?

Yeah, let's pray for
the end of this session.

This is the pits.

Nobody has anything to say.

I guess I could say something.

He's going to tell us how he
flunked out of shop when he was 16.

I am not.

Go ahead, Mr. Peterson.

Well, when I was 17,

I had just gotten
over the trauma



of flunking shop
the previous year.

Can it, will you, Peterson?

All right, then,
I'll just shut up.

I believe that's what he
means when he says "can it".

I have a problem.

Here comes the
fat stories again.

You're out of line, Mr. Carlin.

- Go ahead, Michelle.
- It's my weight.

Can't we talk about
anything important?

Here's something important.

I am thinking of giving up
my job at the supermarket.

Well, you want to
tell us about that?

I just did.

I'm sick of this.



First the fat stuff, then
the supermarket stuff.

I agree. I think we've gone
to the well once too often.

Why don't you dry up?

I think Mr. Peterson
has a point.

We've been
together for six years.

Maybe we could use
some... Some new, uh... water.

Give him a chance, folks. I
think he's trying to make a point.

Well, I am. I think
maybe the time has come

that we might need a new member.

Yes, we need a good goosing up.

Let's get a goose.

May I suggest a rich,
handsome, unmarried man?

How about some
nice-looking broads in here?

We have two nice-looking
broads in here, Mr. Carlin.

Oh, thank you, Dr. Hartley.

Well, I'm afraid our time is up.

I'll start thinking
about a new member

and we'll discuss it
more at our next meeting.

Dr. Hartley, if we're looking for
someone interesting an unusual,

I know a very
nice schizophrenic.

How about a manic-depressive?

At least they're
fun half the time.

Without naming names,
the schizo that I have in mind

is Mr. Hurwitz in fresh meat.

Whatever you do, Dr. Hartley,

don't get anyone who will disrupt
the harmony of our little family.

Yeah, nobody hostile.

Out of the way, stupid.

How would you like a
mouthful of Chiclets?

Looking for a new member
for your group, Bob?

Yeah, Carol, I think we
could use a little goosing up.

Oh, don't try and dazzle
me with technical terms.

No, what I mean is I think
the well has gone a little dry.

May I suggest someone, Bob?

Carol, I think those
kind of decisions

are better left to a
person more qualified.

Somebody like a psychologist,
someone like myself.

Who, uh... Who did
you have in mind?

Mr. Plager. I think he'd
fit in beautifully, Bob.

He's a mild neurotic with
compulsive tendencies.

No, no. Plager would be
all wrong for this group.

Oh, why?

Well, he's mildly neurotic

with... with tendencies
that one could call...

compulsive.

I never looked at it that way.

That's because you're
not a psychologist.

Emily I found my tux.

Guess where it was.

Uh, in the bottom of a cage?

No, in the basement
in my army footlocker.

Bob, are you sure all the
guys at your glee club reunion

are going to wear their
25-year-old tuxedos?

Sure, we made a
pledge the night we won

the all-campus fraternity sing.

Yeah, but that was
a long time ago.

I bet a lot of them forgot.

Not so, Emily.

I ran into Ralph on State
St. And nothing has changed.

Well, State St. has changed.

He said, "Remember,
next year, reunion, tux.

Want to be some insurance?"

I think the whole
thing is silly.

Emily, when a Phi
Beta Nu makes a pledge,

if he breaks it,
he's a rotten egg.

Smells like somebody broke
a pledge on your tuxedo.

It's just mothballs.

Oh, hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

What's for dinner?
I smell meatballs.

You smell mothballs.

Ah, well, maybe I better
come back for dessert.

What's that rag?

- It's my tuxedo.
- It used to be a tuxedo.

When?

When I was in the glee club.

Why do they always
call it a glee club?

Glee club? What does
the "glee" stand for?

I think I can explain that.

"Glee" is from the
Romanian word "glee".

What does that mean?

To glee.

Ah.

Wow, that's beautiful.

What kind of songs
you guys sing?

All kinds. Ralph and
I will probably sing

what we're famous for, our duet,

"Down By The Old Mill Stream".

"Down By The Old Mill
Stream"! That's my favorite!

You want me to sing it?

I don't.

Do you, Emily?

Not without Ralph.

You're missing a great thing.

Well, we'll adjust.

Who's Ralph?

He's a boy soprano.

He's an insurance salesman now.

Isn't that always the way?

That's probably the phone.

Send this to the
cleaners, will you?

Oh, Bob, I'm not
sure they'll take it.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Carlin.

No, I haven't decided
on a new member yet.

No, I never met your mother.

Looney tunes, huh?

Well, I don't think
its a good idea

that relatives be in the group.

A private session?
Fine. Have her call me.

Well, when they let her use
the phone, have her call me.

Good-bye.

Bob, do you want to
keep this little black book?

Oh, I'll take that. That's, uh...
That's an old address book.

Yeah, didn't you know any guys?

Yeah, but I memorized
all their numbers.

How come Marjorie Killiam
has four stars after her name?

Marjorie Killiam?

Oh, her father was a general.

Well, what are the
exclamation points for?

He made me call him "sir".

Well, Edna Bailey's father
must have really been important.

You see you've got "va-va-voom"
written after her name.

Yeah, he was a race car driver.

Oh, and here's Cathy Twilley.

"Hot to trot".

Her father owned horses, huh?

No, no. She, um... She
was a nymphomaniac.

Hey, Bob, guess what this is.

An orthodontist
with nothing to do.

Nope. Meet Mr. Eel.

How you doing?

Jerry, would you
please get out of here?

No, I want to show
you one more thing.

See, I'm just not fooling
around with these things.

I'm creating a world of
imagination for the kids.

And they love it, Bob.

For instance,
guess what that is.

Who cares?

That's Mr. Spider,
Bob, and he's yours.

Far out.

Oh, Mr. Spider
has come to visit.

You like it?

No.

Oh, so you're the new guy?

Uh, I said "handsome".

What are they
talking about, Bob?

They think that you're
the new member.

Me? What, do
you think I'm crazy?

Sit down. Let's find out.

I'm getting out of here.
Come on, Mr. Spider.

Would anyone like some fruit?

I brought it in honor
of the new member.

Well, that's very nice.

You really didn't have
to go to all that expense.

Oh, there was no expense.

I found it on the subway.

Where's the new loon?

He'll be here in a few minutes.

I asked him to come
a few minutes late

because I wanted to
tell you a little about him.

He's a very nice gentleman.

I think he'll be a good
addition to our little family.

He's not a young man.

Um, then again,
he's not an old man.

Would you stop babbling
and just tell us who it is?

His name is Mr. Plager.

Oh, I know him.
He's a real bozo.

Isn't he mildly neurotic
with compulsive tendencies?

I think he'll fit in very
well with the group.

Is he handsome?

I think you could say he's cute.

Then he'll fit in.

Oh, hi, Dr. Hartley.

Oh, hi, Mr. Plager.

This is Michelle. You
know Mrs. Bakerman.

This is Mr. Carlin
and Mr. Peterson.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Have a seat.

I think Mr. Plager should
sit here in the seat of honor.

Butt out, will you,
Mrs. Bakerman?

Then where should I sit?

Wherever you like?

Well, since my things are here.

Well, you've been in
group before, Mr. Plager,

so you know how it works.

One person kicks it
off and the rest join in.

Right.

Who would like to kick it off?

When I was 16 years
old, I flunked shop.

Hey, let's hear from the
mildly neurotic compulsive guy.

That's you, Mr. Plager.

If you don't mind,
I'd rather wait.

Oh, darn. I was looking
forward to some fresh anguish.

Well, he wants to wait.

All right, if it will start
the ball rolling, I'll talk.

Good, but make it
interesting, will you?

Well, it's nothing much.

I'm just having
troubles at home.

That's a start.

Go with that, Mr. Plager.

Well, there's
nothing more to say.

We fight all the time and it
looks like we may split up.

Aw, that's a shame.

Speak for yourself.

Well, don't look
at the dark side.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Wait a minute. I think
I'd like to write that down.

What I mean is a
relationship is a two-way street.

Two-way street, silver lining.

What a mind.

What I'm trying
to say, Mr. Plager,

is that if you really care
about a relationship,

you shouldn't be so
willing to get out of it.

Me, I'm not the one
who wants to give it up.

- It's him.
- Well, then talk to him.

Uh, him?

Yes, him.

Wait a minute.

This guy's gay.

Isn't that nice.

Just what the world
needs, a little more gaiety.

I'm a gay person myself.

A lot of people say to me,

"Lillian, you are a gay person."

Lillian...

Oh!

Then maybe you know
my nephew Kenny.

No, Mrs. Bakerman.

There are thousands of
homosexuals in Chicago.

Oh, boy.

Where are you going, Mr. Carlin?

New York.

Well, we seem to
have lost Mr. Carlin,

but I think the rest of us can
stay and work this through.

I'll give it a try.

I'm game.

I'm quite content.

Go ahead, Mr. Plager.

All right, well, it was
about three years ago

when I first met Gerald.

That's it for me.

Please don't
leave, Mr. Peterson.

I'd like to stay, but my old
shrapnel wound is acting up again.

Yeah, so's mine.

Well, our group seems
to have dwindled.

Thousands of you?

Isn't that interesting?

Uh, Mrs. Bakerman, since
most of the group has left,

will you excuse us?

Oh, that's quite all right.

I'll just work on this hammock.

Mrs. Bakerman, I'd like to
talk to Mr. Plager in private.

Oh, I understand!

You boys want to
have a man to man...

I mean, person to person talk.

If things don't work
out with you and Gerald,

perhaps you'd like to
meet my nephew Kenny?

No, thanks.

Then perhaps Gerald
would like to meet Kenny?

Well, I'll ask him.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Plager.

I didn't know that they
were going to react that way.

I could have told
you they would.

They're not ready for me.

Well, it's really their problem.

If they can't handle
the fact that you're, uh...

Gay?

Right.

I mean, they were probably
a little surprised by it.

I know I was, uh...

I was... I was surprised by it.

How come you never
told me that you were...

Homosexual?

Uh, gay.

It's never been a
problem until now.

Well, we still have
a half hour left.

Why don't we treat it
as a private session

and work straight through?

That's okay with me.

Well, you've had a rough time.

Would you care for
coffee, tea, fruit? Coffee?

♪ By the old mill stream ♪

♪ Not the river but the stream ♪

Bob, I'm trying to
correct these papers.

♪ Where I first met you ♪

♪ Your eyes so blue ♪

Drown it, will you, Bob?

Emily, I got to practice.

Everyone expects Ralph
and I to do our famous duet

"Down By The Old Mill Stream".

Why don't you practice
at Ralph's house?

How do I look?

You look stupid.

Seriously.

From my heart? You look stupid.

Well, good. I'm
supposed to look stupid.

We're all supposed
to look stupid.

I would look stupid
if I didn't look stupid.

Well, you look stupid.

You probably looked
stupid 25 years ago.

Cathy Twilley didn't think so.

Cathy "hot to trot" Twilley?

Yeah, I didn't tell you,

after the all-campus
fraternity sing

we took a long romantic
walk in the moonlight.

Fine.

Don't you want to
know where we went?

Not particularly.

- Okay.
- Where?

♪ Down by the old mill stream ♪

Oh, hi, Emily. Hi, Bob.

You really look stupid.

He's trying to look stupid.

Well, it's working.

It doesn't look that bad.

Oh, the tux looks
great. It's the blouse.

It's not a blouse. It's a shirt.

Well, it's a sissy shirt.

I bet your club is full of
guys in sissy shirts like that.

That's why they
call it a glee club.

What are you trying
to say, Howard?

Oh, nothing. If the
blouse fits, wear it.

Do you have a matching bag?

You know, sometimes,
Howard, you're a real jerk.

He's right, Howard.

The bag doesn't have to match.

That's it. Join the
fool's bandwagon.

Oh, come on, Bob.
Don't be so sensitive.

We're only kidding.

Yeah, what's the matter?
Is your girdle too tight?

It just happens that I happen
to have a patient now who's gay

and he's going through
a very difficult time.

I'm beginning to understand why.

Some of the remarks you're
making can be very hurtful.

Well, you're
absolutely right, Bob.

I'm sorry, and I'm sure
Howard is sorry, too.

I am, I am. I love sissies!

I mean, I like sissies.

See, that's another thing.

"Sissy" is a very
derogatory term.

Homosexuals like
to be called "gay".

Well, I'm sorry, Bob, I didn't
mean to ruffle your feathers.

Is that another crack?

Howard, I think
you'd better leave.

Yeah, I'm going. Let me know
when he's in a better mood.

Howard, all I'm trying to say

is were going to have to try to
change our attitude a little bit.

It's just that kind of
dark ages thinking

that have kept homosexuals
in closets all these years.

Well, they were probably in
there looking for shirts like that.

I think I really ought
to go, Dr. Hartley.

I wish you would wait a few
more minutes, Mr. Plager.

I'm sure the group will be here.

The group is not going to show.

Let's face it, I'm an outcast,

a friendless man
without a country.

You know, I feel just
like James Arness.

Wait a minute. Are you
saying that James Arness is a...

No, no.

I mean, I feel like he felt
in the movie "The Thing".

He was all thing-like.
He was an outcast, too.

Well, I think James Arness
was in the movie "The Thing",

but I don't think he
was the actual "thing".

Was Lon Chaney in "The
Phantom of the Opera"?

- Yes.
- Good.

Then that's just how I feel.

Nobody wanted to
be around Lon Chaney

and nobody wants
to be around me.

I don't know, for the
first time in my life

I feel sad to be gay.

Mr. Plager, I know
things are rough right now,

but we're going to
see this thing through.

You're not going to be alone.

I'm going to be
with you all the way.

Thanks.

Well, where have
you been? You're late?

Let's not beat around the bush.

We had a meeting and
we voted the gay guy out.

It was democracy in action.

It was four to one.

I voted twice. I went both ways.

I don't think that's
your decision to make.

That's right, it's mine.

So long, Dr. Hartley.

No, no. If anyone's leaving,
it's not going to be you.

I'm really ashamed of you.

I never realized how
narrow-minded you are.

Just go and take your
narrow-mindedness somewhere else.

Mr. Plager and I have a session.

I think we better go.

We'll see you next
week, Dr. Hartley.

That's up to you,

but Mr. Plager will
be here next week

and the week after,
and the week after.

No, I won't be here
the week after that.

Gerald's taking me
home to meet his parents.

What you're trying to say
is that we're stuck with him.

I'm not saying
you're stuck with him,

I'm just saying that we're
people... different people,

and people need each other.

When you realize that
people need people,

you'll find that we're the
luckiest people in the world.

Yeah, it's a feeling
deep in your soul.

Once you were half,
now you're whole.

Something along
those lines, yes.

No more hunger or thirst...

All right, Mr. Carlin!

I think we've learned something
very valuable here today.

Yeah, I think we
learned a new song.

I think you owe
Mr. Plager an apology.

Yeah, gee.

I'm so ashamed.

I'm sorry, too.

I offer you my
hand in friendship.

Thank you.

I'll just say I'm sorry.

Well, I'm willing to
give it another try.

Let's get to work.

Isn't it nice to be
all together again...

One big happy family.

You know, Gerald said
it would work out fine.

Who is it?

Bob: It's me, Howard. Let us in.

How do I know it's you?

Howard, if you don't let me in,

I'm going to break your face!

Howard, it's 1:00
in the morning.

Why are you watching
television here?

You've got color.

You've got color.

You've got cookies.

Had cookies.

How was the reunion?

Well, let's just say
that Bob is the only one

to whom a pledge was sacred.

I think I bought a
$100,000 insurance policy.

Bob, take off your tuxedo.

I'll have it cleaned and burned.

See, honey, that is
the trouble with you.

You don't appreciate quality.

They don't make
them like this anymore.

Look at that
workmanship, Howard.

Meow.