The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 10 - Jerry's Retirement - full transcript
Emily's father comes to visit and brings his friend Shorty. Jerry will become rich when some property he owns is turned into a luxury hotel.
Bob: Seven. Seven.
Coming-Coming out. Coming out.
Excuse me. Ah!
Don't do that again, lady.
Well, how's your
day been so far?
Get me an ice
cube, will you, Carol?
Drinking won't solve anything.
I need the ice cube because I
sat on some gum in the subway
just before my hat
blew away in the wind
just before that woman tried to
stab me to death in the elevator.
Maybe she just wanted your gum.
Listen, Bob. Here's
something that'll cheer you up.
Emily called, and your
father-in-law is coming to town.
- When?
- Today.
Why?
To go fishing in Lake Michigan.
Guess he's gonna use
your apartment as his lodge.
I wish they'd get
that lake out of here.
[laughing] I'll get on
that right after lunch.
You know, Carol, it isn't that
I don't like my father-in-law.
It's just that he likes
to take over, you know.
If we go out to dinner,
he has to pay the check.
If I see something I like,
he has to buy it for me.
Want to trade father-in-laws?
You know, I haven't seen
Junior since he retired, so...
Maybe he's changed.
I think it's cute the
way they call him Junior.
A 66-year-old man
called Junior is not cute.
Your mother calls you
Sonny, and you're awful cute.
I'm in my forties.
Oh, well, then Sonny fits.
Here's another bit of news, Bob.
He's going to bring along
a retired friend of his...
Some guy named Shorty?
An embarrassment of riches.
Junior, Sonny and Shorty. You
guys should record an album.
[Elevator dings]
Look at this, everybody.
Just look at this.
Here, there's an article
about me in the newspaper.
"Mass murderer says he's sorry."
"Hotel to replace city eyesore."
- Oh, sorry to see you go, Jer.
- No, no, no.
Here. I own that eyesore.
That's a condemned building, see,
and they're gonna tear it
down and build a giant hotel.
Wonderful.
I'm gonna be rich, Bob. Can
you understand what that means?
She's poor, you
barely eke out a living,
and I'm rich. Can't you
see the beauty of that?
Sheer poetry, Jerry. Here.
What's this?
That's an ice cube. Just my
way of saying "Congratulations."
- Shorty?
- Hm?
I really don't think Bob's gonna
like the couch facing in that direction.
Oh, he will when
he gets used to it.
It's the only way
to watch the sunset.
Yeah, but he won't be able to watch
television without breaking his neck.
Well, you just tell Bob to get himself
some high-powered binoculars.
There's plenty of TV
sets right over there.
Boy, was I lucky!
Look what I got.
Hey, nice catch, Junior.
What did you use?
Traveler's checks.
They work like a
charm at the market.
Almost had a T-bone
this thick, but it got away.
Hiya, honey.
Hi, Dad.
Look at this fish.
Yeah, but what am I
gonna do with the meatloaf?
Throw it back. It's too small.
Bob was really looking
forward to a meatloaf.
Well, you think he'll believe it
if we tell him this is meatloaf?
Fish is better for him anyway.
Hey, Emily. Could you
wake me before dinner?
Sure.
- Uh, Dad? Dad?
- Yeah.
Could I talk to
you for a minute?
Oh, sure.
That's the reason I came
to Chicago, so we could talk.
Let's talk about Shorty.
What about him?
Who the hell is he?
He's the finest
surgeon in Seattle.
Didn't I ever tell you about the
time that Shorty saved my life?
No, I don't believe you did.
Remember I had gallstones, and
they had to come out? Remember?
Yeah, but I don't remember
Shorty operating on you.
Well, that's what saved my life.
He recommended another doctor.
You'll get used to him, Emily.
He's kinda like my mentor.
He's teaching me the
fine art of retirement.
Oh, well, the man is
obviously a master.
- It's good to see you, honey.
- Aw, Daddy.
It's so good to see you.
I just wish Mom
could've come, too.
Well, this trip was kinda her...
- retirement present.
- To you?
No, to her.
She wanted me out of the house.
She said I kept getting in her way.
Hi!
Howard Borden!
How the heck are you?
How are you? Wow,
I just got into town.
I didn't know Junior
was coming to town.
Well, that's because
you were out of town.
Wow, what a big fish.
Oh, wow. Sure that's
dead? I just saw Jaws.
Well, he was dead
when I bought him.
Yeah... I don't know.
Maybe he's just asleep.
First time we turn our backs,
"BOOM-boom, BOOM-boom, BOOM-boom."
Howard, I want you to
meet my friend Shorty.
Hiya, Howard.
Boy, he really is short.
Did you change the
furniture around, Emily?
Yeah, Daddy and
Shorty moved the couch.
Oh, well, it really
opens up the room.
- Hi, everybody.
- Howard:
Hi, Bob.
- Emily: Hi, dear.
- Junior: There he is.
How are things at
the booby hatch?
What's new, Bob?
Uh, my couch is missing.
No, it's not. It's
right up here.
Yeah, Shorty thought it was
better to watch the sunsets up there.
Shorty: Not to
mention the sunrise.
Who said that?
That's Shorty,
Junior's little friend.
Hi, Bob. Make yourself at home.
That's right neighborly of you.
What's, uh, what's that fish?
It's a meatloaf.
Don't kid me,
Emily. That's a fish.
See? I told you
he wouldn't buy it.
Fish is good for you.
Just what I've always
wanted. A talking couch.
Carol, is Jerry in yet?
No, he's still with the
amazing Friedberg brothers.
- Who?
- His accountants.
The amazing Friedberg brothers.
At least that's what
the IRS calls them.
All right, let me know
when he comes in.
How come you're here, Bob? You
don't have an appointment for an hour.
Uh, Junior and Shorty woke me
up at dawn this morning, singing.
Boy, they get up early.
They never went to bed.
[Elevator dings]
- Hi, Jerry.
- Hiya, Jer.
Huh?
We said hello.
Oh, uh, yeah. Well,
you're welcome.
- Jerry, is something wrong?
- Huh?
Is something wrong?
Uh, no.
The hotel deal fall through?
Uh, no.
Well, then, what happened?
Well, the money wasn't
what I thought it would be.
Well, you win some,
you lose some.
It's six times more than
what I thought it would be.
So you-so you won some.
You know what this means?
Does that mean you'll pay
me the $10 you owe me?
It means I'll make
enough on this deal
to retire for the
rest of my life.
[laughing] That's ridiculous.
I'm not kidding, Bob. I've reached
the goal that I've always had:
To retire before I'm 40.
But, Jerry, you can't
retire before you're 40.
It'll be 25 years before you
could collect your Social Security.
No more fighting the traffic.
No more hassling
for a parking space.
No more standing
in crowded elevators
with old ladies poking you in
the ribs with their umbrellas.
Spending all day on your feet
with kids drooling on your sleeve.
The elevators aren't
always that crowded.
Jerry, you're not really
gonna retire, are you?
You better believe it.
I'm hanging up the old smock.
I'm putting the spit
sink out to pasture.
I figure in about a week,
only the memory of Jerry
Robinson will haunt these halls.
[crying] Oh, I'm really
gonna miss you, Jerry.
You are?
Really?
[crying] I don't
understand it myself.
Well, I'm touched.
Even though for the last six years
you've been overbearing and pompous
a troublemaker, and for the most
part, totally obnoxious. [sobbing]
Quite a tribute.
- I'm gonna miss you,
too, Carol.
- Oh!
You've been the best receptionist
I've had in the past six years.
[sobbing] Oh, excuse me.
But I still want my $10 back.
I'll give you my old
smocks. You can sell them.
Why am I crying?
Well, don't you worry,
Bob. We're still friends.
Just because I'm an
independently wealthy, retired person
and you're a working slob.
Jerry, you aren't serious, are you?
What about your responsibilities?
I'm canceling my
responsibilities.
I'm canceling my
life. I'll buy a new one.
What about your patients?
Let 'em eat cake.
- Well, what are you gonna do?
- Everything.
- Where are you gonna go?
- Everywhere.
Well, what are you gonna do
after you've done everything?
Die.
You call that living?
Sounds to me like we have
here a slight case of sour grapes.
Jerry, did you ever hear the story
about the little mouse that played
while the other little mice were
collecting nuts for the winter?
No, uh, no. Mice don't
collect nuts for the winter, Bob.
That's squirrels. Squirrels
collect nuts. Mice collect cheese.
Well, see, if it's a squirrel,
it's a different story.
Yeah, well, never mind,
Bob. I'm off to buy a car.
All right, Jerry. I can
make it work with a squirrel.
You know what happened
when the winter came?
He sold his
building and retired.
Yeah. But was he happy?
Or did he find out that
the real enjoyment of life
was working to collect the nuts?
I don't give a damn. I'm rich.
So long, Bobby.
So long, walls.
So long, bitter coffee.
So long, funny round desk.
So long, seventh floor.
So long.
That story only
works with a mouse.
Junior and Sonny: ♪ Gonna
lay down my sword and shield ♪
♪ Down by the riverside ♪
♪ We're gonna
study war no more ♪
Oh, geez.
That's great singing, guys.
Ah, Shorty likes to sing.
He used to sing to his
patients during their operations.
Saved me a fortune
in anesthesia.
Well, that's funny.
I'm going to bed.
Ah, come on, Bob.
It's the shank of the evening.
You call 2:00 in the morning
the shank of the evening?
The shank is any time you're with
good people having a good time.
Listen, don't you guys have to get
up early in the morning to go fishing?
That's right, Shorty.
We'd better hit the sack.
I don't know, Junior. Can't
we let it go for another day?
You know, the lake
will still be there.
You never know.
And if we're gonna go to
Wisconsin for that cheese festival,
we'd better start
making some plans.
Yeah, well, I've been
thinking about that, Junior,
and the way I look at it is,
if you want to see cheese,
you don't have
to go to a festival.
You just go to a refrigerator.
I guess you're right, Shorty.
Yeah.
There's no need
to rush into things.
We got all the
time in the world.
Yeah, right. Actually,
it's so comfortable here,
there's no reason even
to leave the apartment.
Although if you thought about it, you could
probably come up with a couple reasons.
[doorbell buzzes]
Who could that be?
Probably the shank of
the evening committee.
I hope it's a delicatessen.
You called a delicatessen?
No, but I sure could use
a corned beef sandwich.
- Who is it?
- Jerry Robinson.
Hi, Bob. You still up?
Yeah, Emily and I and
the guys, we were just
rapping about the
Wisconsin Cheese Festival.
Come on in, Jer.
Hi, Emily. These shoes cost $95.
- Hi, Junior.
- Jerry!
Long time no see. What
have you been up to?
Bought a car, bought a yacht,
and I'm looking at a plane.
Jerry's come into a lot of
money, and he retired today.
Well, in that case, you
got to meet my friend,
Shorty.
He wrote the book on retirement.
Hi.
Yeah, unfortunately, he didn't have
enough energy to bring it to a publisher.
How you doing, Shorty?
I don't really need a book.
I've made all my plans.
Yachts to sail, cars to buy.
Mountains to climb
and women to conquer.
Boy, you can get
sick doing that.
I'm talking about
respectable women.
Yeah, well, you see, the secret
of retirement is pacing yourself.
You got to learn to take it easy
and just go relax and do nothing.
But, uh, fishing's nice.
You're still going
fishing, aren't you, Dad?
Oh, yeah. You know what
Shorty thinks is real fun?
Watching cheese.
Watching people.
You just find a nice place to sit down
and watch everybody come and go.
That's all well and good
for you guys, but Jerry's 38.
38 is a stupid time to retire.
I tell you what, let's go out on the
porch, Junior, and watch something, huh?
Okay.
It's not a porch.
It's a balcony.
Well, it'll have to do.
You sure you don't want to
come down and see my Ferrari?
I have to get up early, Jerry, to
go to work. You remember work?
Can't say as I do.
Don't forget the story
about the mouse.
- Squirrels.
- Rodent.
Good night.
- Hey, Emily.
- Hm?
You know what
these glasses cost?
$140.
As long as you're happy.
I am the happiest
man in the world.
Listen, Jer, I don't
want to seem rude,
but I've got to be
in school tomorrow.
You know, the early
bird gets the worm.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night!
- Night, honey.
- Good night, Dad.
Shorty: Good night, Emily.
So, uh, I guess you two guys don't
want to go down and see my Ferrari?
Oh, we saw it from the balcony.
I think, uh, Shorty
spilled his drink on it.
You spilled a drink on my
Ferrari? That'll ruin the finish.
See? Now that's
what I mean, kiddo.
The way you're talking, that's
like that Ferrari owns you.
Yeah, well... I guess I
could sell it and go to Europe.
Europe? Why do you want to go
to Europe? Europe needs paint.
Well, I guess I could
just not do anything.
Now you're catching on.
Hey, do you sing tenor?
Uh, baritone.
Oh, perfect!
Hey, hit it, Junior.
I'm gonna lay down
my sword and shield
down by the riverside
down by the riverside
way down by the riverside
You know, I'm
worried about my dad.
Yeah, he's flat.
He's getting to
be a tall Shorty.
I mean, he used to be
such a vital man, Bob.
It's not like him to
miss a cheese festival.
You know what I've always said.
Idle hands are the devil's workshop.
Playground.
No, it's workshop.
No, idle hands are
the devil's playground.
The devil doesn't have a
playground. He has a workshop.
Shorty: ♪ Oh, the devil's
out there in the playground ♪
♪ Oh, the devil's out
there in the playground ♪
You know, I'm really worried
about what's happening to Jerry.
I mean, he's forgetting that the people
who work hold this world together.
You know, people with jobs.
People who move society forward.
Their drive, their
determination, their initiative.
What are you telling
me for? I've got a job.
Well, thank God for
people like you, Emily,
and thank God for people
like Colonel Sanders.
I mean, he doesn't even know
the meaning of the word retire.
You know he didn't start
selling chickens till he was 80?
And now he even has ribs.
Hi, Bob. Is that a trace of
a smile I see on your face?
Yes, it is, Carol. My
mother-in-law called this morning.
Is this gonna be a
mother-in-law joke?
No, it isn't, Carol. As a matter of
fact, she wants Junior to come home.
It's the rainy season in Seattle, and
the storm windows have to be put up,
and the gutters and the
downspouts have to be cleaned.
Well, idle hands are
the devil's workshop.
Playground.
Well, guess who's in your
office for a change, Bob?
Your favorite retiree,
good old Jerry.
You know, if he's gonna retire, I
wish he wouldn't do it in my office.
He likes it in there, Bob.
He says it's a great place
to watch the world go by.
As long as he's not singing.
Morning, Bobby.
"Bobby"?
It's your move.
Jerry, we've been playing
the same game for a week.
Okay, then, what
do you want to sing?
Jerry, I don't want to play
checkers. I don't want to sing.
Suit yourself.
Hot enough for ya?
It's not so much the
heat as the humidity.
Could be.
'Course, it's that
time of the year.
I remember, we had
weather like this, oh,
two year ago.
You couldn't-you
couldn't call it hot
but it sure was damp.
'Course, now, a lot of
people like it that way.
Myself I prefer
it a shade cooler.
Jerry, I don't need to have the
village coot come into my office
and babble and whittle.
I'm whittling this for you, Bob.
What is it?
It's a good, sharp stick.
That's just what I
need, a sharp stick.
It's not just a
sharp stick, Bob.
It's a good, sharp stick.
A real, good, sharp stick.
Jerry, why are
you acting like this?
Acting like what?
I'm enjoying myself.
I'm living my life.
I'm seeing things, little things that
people just don't seem to notice anymore.
Like-like this morning.
What happened this morning?
Well, [clears throat],
I'm coming down here
to see you, you know,
walking along,
'bout nine o'clock...
No, I'm wrong. It
was more like 9:10.
Whatever, whatever.
- Somewhere in there...
- Whatever.
I'm walking along,
minding my own business...
Did I say 9:10?
- More like 9:30.
- Fine, it was 9:30.
- Or 9:45.
- Let's say it was 9:30, Jerry.
You know, you're right. Dead
on. I saw the clock over the...
Jerry, what happened
this morning at 9:30?
Okay.
I see this man
tearing out of the bank,
running lickety-split.
Whew! Gol-darnedest
thing I ever saw.
You saw a man robbing
a bank this morning?
Not to my knowledge.
You just said you saw a
man running out of a bank.
I wouldn't go jumping to
conclusions if I were you, Bobby.
He was trying to catch a cab.
[laughing]
You're a real-a real
knee-slapper, Jerry.
And-and-and you
fell for it. [laughing]
He was just trying
to catch a cab.
Jerry, you made it sound
like he was robbing the bank.
No, I didn't, Bob.
I said specifically it was 9:30,
and banks do not open till 10!
Jerry, you know you've been
retired for a week and a half,
and you're already senile.
Say again?
You're hard of hearing,
and you're boring.
I am not boring, Bob.
Why, just yesterday,
I was sitting in the park playing
checkers with this friend of mine
and I told him that great story
about when I saw Vice President
Alben W. Barkley in person
walking down LaSalle Street.
Now you can't call that boring.
Yes!
Well, my friend didn't think so,
and I'll prove it to
you. We'll call him.
What's the number
of the park, Bobby?
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Oh! Better than that, Bob, look.
You and I will walk down to the park.
Come on. We'll take a
stroll, you'll meet my friend
- His name's Fritz...
- Jerry. Jerry.
Sit down. I want to talk to
you as sincerely as I can.
Well, thank you, Bob.
It'd be good to take a
load off these old bones
after all the excitement
at the bank today.
Jerry, you can't really
be serious about this.
I mean, you aren't going to spend
the rest of your life just doing nothing.
Why not?
I've earned it. I
have paid my dues.
- Jerry, listen to me.
- He was trying to catch a cab.
[laughter]
Jerry, I know it's a
cliché, but it's true.
You-you're as young as you feel.
Age is a state of mind.
I mean, I have a
patient, Mr. Gunderman.
He's 87.
He worked for a
dispensary in a free clinic.
And a man in the building,
Mr. Kanowsky, he's 92.
He plays tenor sax
for a polka band.
He isn't very good, but with that kind
of music, you don't have to be good.
The point is, Jerry, they aren't just
sitting there babbling and whittling.
They're doing something.
I mean, you've heard
me say it before, Jerry.
That's what makes this land
of ours the great land it is,
from the giant redwood
forest to the Gulf stream waters.
[snoring]
- Jerry?
- [snoring continues]
Jerry.
I guess at your age those
naps help, don't they?
I believe that's my stick.
[grunts]
- Hi, Bob.
- Howard.
I came over to return
that pen I borrowed.
You're returning something?
Yeah, it's broken.
Say, where is everybody, anyway?
Oh, Emily took
them to the airport.
I don't understand
why people retire.
I hope I never retire. Work is
what holds the world together.
Work and gravity.
And in some cases, Silly Putty.
Silly Putty?
I like that. I should
write that down.
Yeah. Here's a pen.
Oh! Thank you.
- Oh. Hi.
- Bye.
Well, everybody
get off all right?
Yeah, and guess who
I saw at the airport?
- Who?
- Jerry.
- He's on his way to Germany.
- Really?
Yeah, he's gonna study woodcraft
under the foremost carver of sharp sticks.
Oh.
You know what he's gonna
say to him when he meets him?
What?
Heil, whittler!
[laughing]
[kitten meowing]
Coming-Coming out. Coming out.
Excuse me. Ah!
Don't do that again, lady.
Well, how's your
day been so far?
Get me an ice
cube, will you, Carol?
Drinking won't solve anything.
I need the ice cube because I
sat on some gum in the subway
just before my hat
blew away in the wind
just before that woman tried to
stab me to death in the elevator.
Maybe she just wanted your gum.
Listen, Bob. Here's
something that'll cheer you up.
Emily called, and your
father-in-law is coming to town.
- When?
- Today.
Why?
To go fishing in Lake Michigan.
Guess he's gonna use
your apartment as his lodge.
I wish they'd get
that lake out of here.
[laughing] I'll get on
that right after lunch.
You know, Carol, it isn't that
I don't like my father-in-law.
It's just that he likes
to take over, you know.
If we go out to dinner,
he has to pay the check.
If I see something I like,
he has to buy it for me.
Want to trade father-in-laws?
You know, I haven't seen
Junior since he retired, so...
Maybe he's changed.
I think it's cute the
way they call him Junior.
A 66-year-old man
called Junior is not cute.
Your mother calls you
Sonny, and you're awful cute.
I'm in my forties.
Oh, well, then Sonny fits.
Here's another bit of news, Bob.
He's going to bring along
a retired friend of his...
Some guy named Shorty?
An embarrassment of riches.
Junior, Sonny and Shorty. You
guys should record an album.
[Elevator dings]
Look at this, everybody.
Just look at this.
Here, there's an article
about me in the newspaper.
"Mass murderer says he's sorry."
"Hotel to replace city eyesore."
- Oh, sorry to see you go, Jer.
- No, no, no.
Here. I own that eyesore.
That's a condemned building, see,
and they're gonna tear it
down and build a giant hotel.
Wonderful.
I'm gonna be rich, Bob. Can
you understand what that means?
She's poor, you
barely eke out a living,
and I'm rich. Can't you
see the beauty of that?
Sheer poetry, Jerry. Here.
What's this?
That's an ice cube. Just my
way of saying "Congratulations."
- Shorty?
- Hm?
I really don't think Bob's gonna
like the couch facing in that direction.
Oh, he will when
he gets used to it.
It's the only way
to watch the sunset.
Yeah, but he won't be able to watch
television without breaking his neck.
Well, you just tell Bob to get himself
some high-powered binoculars.
There's plenty of TV
sets right over there.
Boy, was I lucky!
Look what I got.
Hey, nice catch, Junior.
What did you use?
Traveler's checks.
They work like a
charm at the market.
Almost had a T-bone
this thick, but it got away.
Hiya, honey.
Hi, Dad.
Look at this fish.
Yeah, but what am I
gonna do with the meatloaf?
Throw it back. It's too small.
Bob was really looking
forward to a meatloaf.
Well, you think he'll believe it
if we tell him this is meatloaf?
Fish is better for him anyway.
Hey, Emily. Could you
wake me before dinner?
Sure.
- Uh, Dad? Dad?
- Yeah.
Could I talk to
you for a minute?
Oh, sure.
That's the reason I came
to Chicago, so we could talk.
Let's talk about Shorty.
What about him?
Who the hell is he?
He's the finest
surgeon in Seattle.
Didn't I ever tell you about the
time that Shorty saved my life?
No, I don't believe you did.
Remember I had gallstones, and
they had to come out? Remember?
Yeah, but I don't remember
Shorty operating on you.
Well, that's what saved my life.
He recommended another doctor.
You'll get used to him, Emily.
He's kinda like my mentor.
He's teaching me the
fine art of retirement.
Oh, well, the man is
obviously a master.
- It's good to see you, honey.
- Aw, Daddy.
It's so good to see you.
I just wish Mom
could've come, too.
Well, this trip was kinda her...
- retirement present.
- To you?
No, to her.
She wanted me out of the house.
She said I kept getting in her way.
Hi!
Howard Borden!
How the heck are you?
How are you? Wow,
I just got into town.
I didn't know Junior
was coming to town.
Well, that's because
you were out of town.
Wow, what a big fish.
Oh, wow. Sure that's
dead? I just saw Jaws.
Well, he was dead
when I bought him.
Yeah... I don't know.
Maybe he's just asleep.
First time we turn our backs,
"BOOM-boom, BOOM-boom, BOOM-boom."
Howard, I want you to
meet my friend Shorty.
Hiya, Howard.
Boy, he really is short.
Did you change the
furniture around, Emily?
Yeah, Daddy and
Shorty moved the couch.
Oh, well, it really
opens up the room.
- Hi, everybody.
- Howard:
Hi, Bob.
- Emily: Hi, dear.
- Junior: There he is.
How are things at
the booby hatch?
What's new, Bob?
Uh, my couch is missing.
No, it's not. It's
right up here.
Yeah, Shorty thought it was
better to watch the sunsets up there.
Shorty: Not to
mention the sunrise.
Who said that?
That's Shorty,
Junior's little friend.
Hi, Bob. Make yourself at home.
That's right neighborly of you.
What's, uh, what's that fish?
It's a meatloaf.
Don't kid me,
Emily. That's a fish.
See? I told you
he wouldn't buy it.
Fish is good for you.
Just what I've always
wanted. A talking couch.
Carol, is Jerry in yet?
No, he's still with the
amazing Friedberg brothers.
- Who?
- His accountants.
The amazing Friedberg brothers.
At least that's what
the IRS calls them.
All right, let me know
when he comes in.
How come you're here, Bob? You
don't have an appointment for an hour.
Uh, Junior and Shorty woke me
up at dawn this morning, singing.
Boy, they get up early.
They never went to bed.
[Elevator dings]
- Hi, Jerry.
- Hiya, Jer.
Huh?
We said hello.
Oh, uh, yeah. Well,
you're welcome.
- Jerry, is something wrong?
- Huh?
Is something wrong?
Uh, no.
The hotel deal fall through?
Uh, no.
Well, then, what happened?
Well, the money wasn't
what I thought it would be.
Well, you win some,
you lose some.
It's six times more than
what I thought it would be.
So you-so you won some.
You know what this means?
Does that mean you'll pay
me the $10 you owe me?
It means I'll make
enough on this deal
to retire for the
rest of my life.
[laughing] That's ridiculous.
I'm not kidding, Bob. I've reached
the goal that I've always had:
To retire before I'm 40.
But, Jerry, you can't
retire before you're 40.
It'll be 25 years before you
could collect your Social Security.
No more fighting the traffic.
No more hassling
for a parking space.
No more standing
in crowded elevators
with old ladies poking you in
the ribs with their umbrellas.
Spending all day on your feet
with kids drooling on your sleeve.
The elevators aren't
always that crowded.
Jerry, you're not really
gonna retire, are you?
You better believe it.
I'm hanging up the old smock.
I'm putting the spit
sink out to pasture.
I figure in about a week,
only the memory of Jerry
Robinson will haunt these halls.
[crying] Oh, I'm really
gonna miss you, Jerry.
You are?
Really?
[crying] I don't
understand it myself.
Well, I'm touched.
Even though for the last six years
you've been overbearing and pompous
a troublemaker, and for the most
part, totally obnoxious. [sobbing]
Quite a tribute.
- I'm gonna miss you,
too, Carol.
- Oh!
You've been the best receptionist
I've had in the past six years.
[sobbing] Oh, excuse me.
But I still want my $10 back.
I'll give you my old
smocks. You can sell them.
Why am I crying?
Well, don't you worry,
Bob. We're still friends.
Just because I'm an
independently wealthy, retired person
and you're a working slob.
Jerry, you aren't serious, are you?
What about your responsibilities?
I'm canceling my
responsibilities.
I'm canceling my
life. I'll buy a new one.
What about your patients?
Let 'em eat cake.
- Well, what are you gonna do?
- Everything.
- Where are you gonna go?
- Everywhere.
Well, what are you gonna do
after you've done everything?
Die.
You call that living?
Sounds to me like we have
here a slight case of sour grapes.
Jerry, did you ever hear the story
about the little mouse that played
while the other little mice were
collecting nuts for the winter?
No, uh, no. Mice don't
collect nuts for the winter, Bob.
That's squirrels. Squirrels
collect nuts. Mice collect cheese.
Well, see, if it's a squirrel,
it's a different story.
Yeah, well, never mind,
Bob. I'm off to buy a car.
All right, Jerry. I can
make it work with a squirrel.
You know what happened
when the winter came?
He sold his
building and retired.
Yeah. But was he happy?
Or did he find out that
the real enjoyment of life
was working to collect the nuts?
I don't give a damn. I'm rich.
So long, Bobby.
So long, walls.
So long, bitter coffee.
So long, funny round desk.
So long, seventh floor.
So long.
That story only
works with a mouse.
Junior and Sonny: ♪ Gonna
lay down my sword and shield ♪
♪ Down by the riverside ♪
♪ We're gonna
study war no more ♪
Oh, geez.
That's great singing, guys.
Ah, Shorty likes to sing.
He used to sing to his
patients during their operations.
Saved me a fortune
in anesthesia.
Well, that's funny.
I'm going to bed.
Ah, come on, Bob.
It's the shank of the evening.
You call 2:00 in the morning
the shank of the evening?
The shank is any time you're with
good people having a good time.
Listen, don't you guys have to get
up early in the morning to go fishing?
That's right, Shorty.
We'd better hit the sack.
I don't know, Junior. Can't
we let it go for another day?
You know, the lake
will still be there.
You never know.
And if we're gonna go to
Wisconsin for that cheese festival,
we'd better start
making some plans.
Yeah, well, I've been
thinking about that, Junior,
and the way I look at it is,
if you want to see cheese,
you don't have
to go to a festival.
You just go to a refrigerator.
I guess you're right, Shorty.
Yeah.
There's no need
to rush into things.
We got all the
time in the world.
Yeah, right. Actually,
it's so comfortable here,
there's no reason even
to leave the apartment.
Although if you thought about it, you could
probably come up with a couple reasons.
[doorbell buzzes]
Who could that be?
Probably the shank of
the evening committee.
I hope it's a delicatessen.
You called a delicatessen?
No, but I sure could use
a corned beef sandwich.
- Who is it?
- Jerry Robinson.
Hi, Bob. You still up?
Yeah, Emily and I and
the guys, we were just
rapping about the
Wisconsin Cheese Festival.
Come on in, Jer.
Hi, Emily. These shoes cost $95.
- Hi, Junior.
- Jerry!
Long time no see. What
have you been up to?
Bought a car, bought a yacht,
and I'm looking at a plane.
Jerry's come into a lot of
money, and he retired today.
Well, in that case, you
got to meet my friend,
Shorty.
He wrote the book on retirement.
Hi.
Yeah, unfortunately, he didn't have
enough energy to bring it to a publisher.
How you doing, Shorty?
I don't really need a book.
I've made all my plans.
Yachts to sail, cars to buy.
Mountains to climb
and women to conquer.
Boy, you can get
sick doing that.
I'm talking about
respectable women.
Yeah, well, you see, the secret
of retirement is pacing yourself.
You got to learn to take it easy
and just go relax and do nothing.
But, uh, fishing's nice.
You're still going
fishing, aren't you, Dad?
Oh, yeah. You know what
Shorty thinks is real fun?
Watching cheese.
Watching people.
You just find a nice place to sit down
and watch everybody come and go.
That's all well and good
for you guys, but Jerry's 38.
38 is a stupid time to retire.
I tell you what, let's go out on the
porch, Junior, and watch something, huh?
Okay.
It's not a porch.
It's a balcony.
Well, it'll have to do.
You sure you don't want to
come down and see my Ferrari?
I have to get up early, Jerry, to
go to work. You remember work?
Can't say as I do.
Don't forget the story
about the mouse.
- Squirrels.
- Rodent.
Good night.
- Hey, Emily.
- Hm?
You know what
these glasses cost?
$140.
As long as you're happy.
I am the happiest
man in the world.
Listen, Jer, I don't
want to seem rude,
but I've got to be
in school tomorrow.
You know, the early
bird gets the worm.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night!
- Night, honey.
- Good night, Dad.
Shorty: Good night, Emily.
So, uh, I guess you two guys don't
want to go down and see my Ferrari?
Oh, we saw it from the balcony.
I think, uh, Shorty
spilled his drink on it.
You spilled a drink on my
Ferrari? That'll ruin the finish.
See? Now that's
what I mean, kiddo.
The way you're talking, that's
like that Ferrari owns you.
Yeah, well... I guess I
could sell it and go to Europe.
Europe? Why do you want to go
to Europe? Europe needs paint.
Well, I guess I could
just not do anything.
Now you're catching on.
Hey, do you sing tenor?
Uh, baritone.
Oh, perfect!
Hey, hit it, Junior.
I'm gonna lay down
my sword and shield
down by the riverside
down by the riverside
way down by the riverside
You know, I'm
worried about my dad.
Yeah, he's flat.
He's getting to
be a tall Shorty.
I mean, he used to be
such a vital man, Bob.
It's not like him to
miss a cheese festival.
You know what I've always said.
Idle hands are the devil's workshop.
Playground.
No, it's workshop.
No, idle hands are
the devil's playground.
The devil doesn't have a
playground. He has a workshop.
Shorty: ♪ Oh, the devil's
out there in the playground ♪
♪ Oh, the devil's out
there in the playground ♪
You know, I'm really worried
about what's happening to Jerry.
I mean, he's forgetting that the people
who work hold this world together.
You know, people with jobs.
People who move society forward.
Their drive, their
determination, their initiative.
What are you telling
me for? I've got a job.
Well, thank God for
people like you, Emily,
and thank God for people
like Colonel Sanders.
I mean, he doesn't even know
the meaning of the word retire.
You know he didn't start
selling chickens till he was 80?
And now he even has ribs.
Hi, Bob. Is that a trace of
a smile I see on your face?
Yes, it is, Carol. My
mother-in-law called this morning.
Is this gonna be a
mother-in-law joke?
No, it isn't, Carol. As a matter of
fact, she wants Junior to come home.
It's the rainy season in Seattle, and
the storm windows have to be put up,
and the gutters and the
downspouts have to be cleaned.
Well, idle hands are
the devil's workshop.
Playground.
Well, guess who's in your
office for a change, Bob?
Your favorite retiree,
good old Jerry.
You know, if he's gonna retire, I
wish he wouldn't do it in my office.
He likes it in there, Bob.
He says it's a great place
to watch the world go by.
As long as he's not singing.
Morning, Bobby.
"Bobby"?
It's your move.
Jerry, we've been playing
the same game for a week.
Okay, then, what
do you want to sing?
Jerry, I don't want to play
checkers. I don't want to sing.
Suit yourself.
Hot enough for ya?
It's not so much the
heat as the humidity.
Could be.
'Course, it's that
time of the year.
I remember, we had
weather like this, oh,
two year ago.
You couldn't-you
couldn't call it hot
but it sure was damp.
'Course, now, a lot of
people like it that way.
Myself I prefer
it a shade cooler.
Jerry, I don't need to have the
village coot come into my office
and babble and whittle.
I'm whittling this for you, Bob.
What is it?
It's a good, sharp stick.
That's just what I
need, a sharp stick.
It's not just a
sharp stick, Bob.
It's a good, sharp stick.
A real, good, sharp stick.
Jerry, why are
you acting like this?
Acting like what?
I'm enjoying myself.
I'm living my life.
I'm seeing things, little things that
people just don't seem to notice anymore.
Like-like this morning.
What happened this morning?
Well, [clears throat],
I'm coming down here
to see you, you know,
walking along,
'bout nine o'clock...
No, I'm wrong. It
was more like 9:10.
Whatever, whatever.
- Somewhere in there...
- Whatever.
I'm walking along,
minding my own business...
Did I say 9:10?
- More like 9:30.
- Fine, it was 9:30.
- Or 9:45.
- Let's say it was 9:30, Jerry.
You know, you're right. Dead
on. I saw the clock over the...
Jerry, what happened
this morning at 9:30?
Okay.
I see this man
tearing out of the bank,
running lickety-split.
Whew! Gol-darnedest
thing I ever saw.
You saw a man robbing
a bank this morning?
Not to my knowledge.
You just said you saw a
man running out of a bank.
I wouldn't go jumping to
conclusions if I were you, Bobby.
He was trying to catch a cab.
[laughing]
You're a real-a real
knee-slapper, Jerry.
And-and-and you
fell for it. [laughing]
He was just trying
to catch a cab.
Jerry, you made it sound
like he was robbing the bank.
No, I didn't, Bob.
I said specifically it was 9:30,
and banks do not open till 10!
Jerry, you know you've been
retired for a week and a half,
and you're already senile.
Say again?
You're hard of hearing,
and you're boring.
I am not boring, Bob.
Why, just yesterday,
I was sitting in the park playing
checkers with this friend of mine
and I told him that great story
about when I saw Vice President
Alben W. Barkley in person
walking down LaSalle Street.
Now you can't call that boring.
Yes!
Well, my friend didn't think so,
and I'll prove it to
you. We'll call him.
What's the number
of the park, Bobby?
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Oh! Better than that, Bob, look.
You and I will walk down to the park.
Come on. We'll take a
stroll, you'll meet my friend
- His name's Fritz...
- Jerry. Jerry.
Sit down. I want to talk to
you as sincerely as I can.
Well, thank you, Bob.
It'd be good to take a
load off these old bones
after all the excitement
at the bank today.
Jerry, you can't really
be serious about this.
I mean, you aren't going to spend
the rest of your life just doing nothing.
Why not?
I've earned it. I
have paid my dues.
- Jerry, listen to me.
- He was trying to catch a cab.
[laughter]
Jerry, I know it's a
cliché, but it's true.
You-you're as young as you feel.
Age is a state of mind.
I mean, I have a
patient, Mr. Gunderman.
He's 87.
He worked for a
dispensary in a free clinic.
And a man in the building,
Mr. Kanowsky, he's 92.
He plays tenor sax
for a polka band.
He isn't very good, but with that kind
of music, you don't have to be good.
The point is, Jerry, they aren't just
sitting there babbling and whittling.
They're doing something.
I mean, you've heard
me say it before, Jerry.
That's what makes this land
of ours the great land it is,
from the giant redwood
forest to the Gulf stream waters.
[snoring]
- Jerry?
- [snoring continues]
Jerry.
I guess at your age those
naps help, don't they?
I believe that's my stick.
[grunts]
- Hi, Bob.
- Howard.
I came over to return
that pen I borrowed.
You're returning something?
Yeah, it's broken.
Say, where is everybody, anyway?
Oh, Emily took
them to the airport.
I don't understand
why people retire.
I hope I never retire. Work is
what holds the world together.
Work and gravity.
And in some cases, Silly Putty.
Silly Putty?
I like that. I should
write that down.
Yeah. Here's a pen.
Oh! Thank you.
- Oh. Hi.
- Bye.
Well, everybody
get off all right?
Yeah, and guess who
I saw at the airport?
- Who?
- Jerry.
- He's on his way to Germany.
- Really?
Yeah, he's gonna study woodcraft
under the foremost carver of sharp sticks.
Oh.
You know what he's gonna
say to him when he meets him?
What?
Heil, whittler!
[laughing]
[kitten meowing]