The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 11 - Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson - full transcript

Ah, Bob, I just finished
typing your letter.

Care to sign it?

Ah.

"If you have any further
questions, please call. Sincerely,

"Dr. Robert Robert."

Will you type that again, Carol?

Wouldn't be interested in changing
your name, would you, Bob?

No, if I did, I would change
it to "Dr. Hartley Hartley."

I could always do it in longhand
and you could type your signature.

Or you could type it right.

Ah!



Oh, Jerry called. He's back
in town. He said to say hello.

You know, I really miss
that guy, now that he's retired.

No one's made a snide remark
about my coffee in weeks.

They're probably
too busy choking.

Wait, listen.
What's Jerry doing?

Oh, he just got back from
London, Paris and Rome.

He must be miserable.

Yes. God knows I would be.

Carol, you really think he's
having a good time, don't you?

You know that poor slob
hasn't got a thing to do?

Oh, do I detect a
note of jealousy?

Why-why would I be jealous?

Just because
Jerry struck it rich,

is wandering all over the
world having an exciting time.



Carol, my life is
not exactly dull.

I mean, uh, last
night for instance,

on the spur of the moment, Emily
and I went out to a flower show.

Oh... You impulsive thing, you.

And then, uh, Monday we, uh, we
covered the patio furniture for winter.

No, I'll take that back.
That was Sunday.

Well, what did you do Monday?

So I had one dull day.

Hi, workers!

- Oh, Jerry, welcome back!
- Hi, Carol. How are you?

- How are you, Jerry?
- Nice to see you, Bob.

Fine. Nice to be stateside.

I've got a gift for each of you.

That's for you, Carol.
A little bottle of brandy.

Oh, that is little. Thanks.

It's nothing.

Close to it.

And, uh, this is for you, Bob.

It's from London.

Oh...

That's the coat-of-arms
of the Hartley family.

I had it all researched.

- You're kidding.
- Mm-hm.

I never knew my
coat-of-arms was a lion

eating a cauliflower.

It's symbolic, Bob.

You see, that's the fruit
from the Tree of Life there.

It symbolizes knowledge,
understanding, wisdom

and a craving for cauliflower.

What does the inscription say?

"Sum familia Hartley."

Yeah. That's Latin, Bob. That's
the centuries-old family motto.

What does it mean?

It means, "I am a Hartley."

We've been saying that
in our family for years.

Well, thanks for
the plaque, Jerry.

I think I'll put it
in my bookshelf.

Yeah, it'll look great there.

You know, I wish I
had a plaque like that.

Well, you're not a Hartley.

You're right. I'm a...
I'm not an anybody.

I'm an orphan. I don't
have any parents.

Jerry, I know what an orphan is.

And I am tired of it.

Well, you're a little too
old to be adopted, Jerry.

Well, I've decided to go on an all-out
search to find my mother and my father.

Jerry, you think
it's a good idea?

Don't you think you ought to start
out slow and maybe find a cousin?

No, Bob, this is
something I gotta do.

Why the sudden concern?

Well, I was in the
Westminster Abbey.

I saw there the tomb of
a certain Lord Robinson.

Now, he was killed
by a cannonball,

and you know where he was shot?

Well, it doesn't
really matter, Jerry.

When a cannonball
has your name on it,

you're a goner.

Bob, he was shot
in North Carolina.

Ah!

Oh, that's the worst place.

Bob, but you know
what that means?

It means that he was in the
United States, which in turn means

that I could be a
descendent of English nobility.

I mean, I could be
a duke or an earl.

You could be the Duke of Earl.

I'm serious here, Bob.

I'm gonna find my family
if it takes every cent I have.

Jerry, have you
really thought this out?

I mean, this could be a, you
know, a painful experience.

It could be a dead-end
street, a road to nowhere.

Yeah, maybe so, Bob,

but it could be a road
to Robinson Castle.

I mean, I have a right
to know who I am.

You know who you are.

I am a Hartley.

Here you go, Bob. Sign away.

Oh.

No, I'm not a
Hartley. I'm a Cartley.

Hi, Emily.

Hi.

Guess what I just bought.

I didn't know you
played the bass.

I don't.

Oh, well, in that case, I
hope you got a bargain.

Yeah, I did. I got it on sale.

I got 10 percent off
and a free G string.

G string?

Yeah. I'd like to see
the girl that wore this.

Howard, I'm really glad you decided
to learn how to play an instrument,

but why'd you choose the bass?

Well, it's, uh, practical.

It's not like a piano. You
can take this to a party.

- Hi.
- Hi, honey.

Hi, Bob. Guess
what I just bought.

Oh, new shoes,
Howard. Very nice.

I just bought a bass fiddle. I'm
gonna be another Tommy Dorsey.

Tommy Dorsey
played the trombone.

Oh. Well, then, I'll be
another Jimmy Dorsey.

He played the clarinet.

Is there another Dorsey?

Yeah, there was an Otto
Dorsey. I was in the army with him.

Did he play bass?

No, he played flamethrower.

Howard, do you want
to stay for dinner?

Uh, no. I've got a
bass lesson at 9:00.

It's only 7:30 now.

Well, it'll take me
an hour to find a cab

with a bass rack
on the top of it.

Glad he's not learning how
to play the flamethrower.

I tried to call Jerry today,
Bob. I couldn't get a hold of him.

All I got was a
recording that said,

"Hi, I'm Jerry Robinson. If
you're my father or mother,

leave your name and number
at the sound of the beep."

Yeah, I feel sorry for Jerry. He's
looking for a needle in a haystack.

Oh, I think it's so exciting.

Jerry seeing his
mother for the first time.

Running through a field of
daisies, arms outstretched,

tall, handsome woman with
the sunlight glinting in her hair.

Sounds like a
shampoo commercial.

Wonder what their
first words will be.

Oh, probably,
"Long time no see."

They'll have so many
things to say to each other.

You know, so many
questions to ask.

Yeah, like, "Hi, Mom.
Why did you abandon me?"

Oh, Bob. Why are you
so negative about this?

Emily, because some
things are better off left alone.

When I was in school, there was
a guy named Warren Nesterenko.

He was an orphan also.

He dropped out in his
senior year of law school.

He wanted to look for his
father. It was like an obsession.

The only thing on his mind
was where was his father.

And finally, five years later,
he found him in St. Louis.

Well, what happened?

Last I heard, they went in business
together. They're very successful.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Warren never
finished law school.

Bob, what is the point?

Well, the point is that's
one story in a million.

I mean, Jerry could be disappointed.
He's opening the door to the unknown.

Once he opens that door, he doesn't
know who's gonna walk through.

There are a lot of strange
people out there, Emily.

Bob?

Uh, it's pouring outside.
Can I borrow your raincoat?

Well, don't you have one?

Yeah, I lent it to my bass.

Lucky we're the same size.

Sure.

The defense rests.

Hi, Carol. Is the mail in yet?

Sorry, Jer. No
answer to your ads.

[sighing] Are you sure?

Jerry, I'd recognize something

addressed to "Orphan,
Rimpau Medical Arts Building."

I can't understand.
It's been three months.

I've advertised in
"Orphans Quarterly,"

I've been through
private detectives,

I've crossed the country
three times. Nothing!

Well, maybe you should
drop leaflets from a plane.

Didn't work in Denver.

Well, what about the
orphanage you grew up in?

Have they been any help?

Well, I got a clue from them.

They told me that I was
wearing a little blue cap

when I was dropped off.

Had little ear flaps and a little
string that tied under my chin

and a fuzzy blue
ball on the top.

Oh, that sounds adorable.

[crying] My favorite
little blue hat.

Oh... Do you still have it?

What difference does it make?
It probably wouldn't fit anymore.

Jerry, don't you see?

Maybe you can trace
the label back to the store,

they can look in their
records and find out

who bought a little
blue hat 35 years ago.

Nah, when I was
three I ate the label.

Well, maybe you could
trace the fuzzy ball.

That was dessert.

Morning, Bob.

Boy, Jer, this is costing you a
mint. Half-page ad in the paper?

Five papers.

Catchy caption.

"I'm Jerry Robinson.
Take me, I'm yours."

[laughter]

Jerry, that's the best
picture of you I've ever seen.

Is that your nose?

Well, it was a lot smaller
when I was young, you know.

I just had it touched
up a bit there.

Touched up?
That's a hatchet job.

- Excuse me?
- Yes?

- Could you help us?
- Sure.

We're looking for Dr. Tupperman.

Oh, surely. Room
759, right down that hall.

Do you have an appointment?

Yes. We're the Robinsons.

Wait a minute!

Nah.

Jerry, why don't
you forget this?

This whole thing
is driving you crazy.

I can't help it, Bob.

Do you know what it's like to walk
down the street and look at strangers,

knowing that any one of them
could be your mother or your father?

Why, Carol here could
be my sister, for all I know.

Mercy.

I mean, any girl I've ever
dated could be my sister...

Wow, you know
what that could mean?

I've been out with you, Jer.
It wouldn't mean that much.

Well, as a last resort, Bob, I've
decided to offer a $5,000 reward.

Dr. Robinson?

Yeah, that's me.

Son!

Thank God the search is over.

[bass playing]

What's that?

Oh, it's a book I'm
reading for school.

The Metric System
Is Your Friend.

Wanna read it when I'm through?

I think I'll wait for the
movie to come out.

What's that thumping?

Oh, that's Howard,
practicing the bass.

- [bass continues]
- I feel like I'm
inside a heart.

Honey, just try and ignore it.

That's easy for you to say.
You've got an exciting book to read.

[bass continues]

Our feet have ears.

Howard?

Do you know what time it is?

No, that isn't the
name of a song.

It's 12:30 a.m.

Howard, would you
please stop practicing?

No, I don't think
you're perfect.

But if you don't stop practicing,
I'm gonna come over there.

Yeah, it'll be a jam session.

I'm gonna jam that
bass down your throat.

Good talking to
you, too, Howard.

[bass resumes]

[bass stops]

[bass sounds a single note]

Is Jerry's ad
still in the paper?

Yeah. He's getting desperate.

His ads are getting smaller.
His nose is getting bigger.

Oh, he's just
getting so depressed.

You know, this week he's had
eight fathers and 11 mothers

claim to be his parents.
They're all after the reward.

You know, when I was a
kid, I thought I was an orphan.

I was sure that I was adopted.

Yeah, every kid feels that way.

No, I mean, I was really positive,
'cause I looked nothing like my parents.

I think you do.

Well, my mother
is very attractive.

I think you look
like your father.

You always said he
had close-set eyes.

Well, it's not so much
his eyes as-as his hair.

My father is bald.

Maybe you're right. You-you
do look like your mother.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

I do not look like my father.

No, I mean about Jerry.

I told him not to look for his
parents, but, I mean, I got parents.

Oh, that reminds me.
Your mother called.

What'd she want?

She wanted to know how come Jerry's
picture is in the paper and yours isn't.

Did you tell her, because I
know who my parents are?

- Yeah.
- What'd she say?

She said, "Sure,

but do you ever think to
pick up the telephone?"

You know, sometimes there are
advantages to being an orphan.

- Good night, my love.
- Good night.

[bass resumes]

Bob, where are you going?

To a jam session.

[TV sounds]

What are you watching?

Uh, midget wrestlers.

Oh.

Who's winning?

The tall one.

Announcer: So the Mad
Munchkin leads two falls to none

over Abdul "Shorty" Mohammad.

And we'll return to the
match following this message.

Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Robinson.

I'm an orphan. Please claim me.

And now back to wrestling.

What?

He is really desperate.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Is he alone or is it with him?

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily. I'm alone.

Come on in, Howard.

Bob, I've got a problem.

I, uh, I decided to play
in a marching band.

You know, Howard, I don't recall

ever seeing an upright
bass in a marching band.

Well, I thought I'd
put little wheels on it.

What's your problem, Howard?

Well, I'd like to borrow
some bass wheels.

Aw, we're all out
of bass wheels.

Could you use a
pair of roller skates?

No, my bass would
look silly in roller skates.

[doorbell buzzes]

Well, they've finally
come for you, Howard.

Emily: [laughing]

Hi.

Hi, Jerry. We just saw
you on "Midget Wrestling."

You were wrestling
with a midget?

No, Howard, he
taped a commercial.

Oh. Did you find your
mommy and daddy?

Nah. I think I'm
gonna give it up.

Really?

Yeah, it's just not
getting anywhere.

I've almost run
all out of money.

Jerry, you had enough
money to retire on.

Don't tell me you've
gone through all out of that.

Well, Bob, there were
the detectives, traveling,

ads in papers all over
the country. It's expensive.

You know I spent $1100 in ads in
American stamp magazines alone?

How'd you think you'd find your parents
by advertising in a stamp magazine?

Yeah, I guess that was stupid.
I was just grasping at straws.

You were grasping at stamps.

Well, I think I'm going
back to orthodontia.

Just have to resign myself to the
fact that I'm never gonna find my family.

Oh, Jerry.

Well, you've got us.

I mean, we'll be your family.

- Right.
- Thanks.

Thanks, Emily.

Bob's always been
like a father to me.

How about me? I
want to get in on this.

I'll be your uncle.

That's very nice of you, Howard,

but right now I feel
like a poor relation.

I don't even know if I have enough
money to buy my dental stuff back.

You need money? No
problem. How much?

$3000?

I'm only your uncle.
Ask your daddy.

Hi, Jerry. How you doing?

Oh, great.

How about I check your
teeth? Hop up in the chair.

Well, if I don't have to hop.

How's it feel to
be back to work?

Well, you know, it's
been about four months,

so I may be a little rusty.

Oh, come on, Bob. Bob.

Dentistry's like
riding a bicycle.

Once you learn,
you never forget.

What the hell is
this? Is this mine?

- Bob. Bob.
- Jerry, I have to get to lunch.

Bob, I'd appreciate
it if you stay.

I'd like to talk to you.
I'm feeling a little down.

Ah. Sure, Jerry.

You know, Jerry, I know I
was the one that told you

not to look for your parents, but,
uh, I'm sorry you didn't find them.

Yeah. Well, it's all over, Bob.

I put it completely
out of my mind.

I wonder if my dad
had naturally curly hair.

[knocking on door]

Jerry. There's another lady out
there, claiming to be your mother.

Is it the same lady who came
yesterday, claiming to be my father?

No. This one
doesn't have a beard.

Tell her it's over. The search
is over. I'm not interested.

She insists on seeing you, Jer.

Well, okay. Send her in.

Bob, I want you to see what
some people do for money.

[with British accent] Hi,
Jerry. I'm your mother.

Can you ever forgive me?

I, uh, I forgive
you, but he's Jerry.

Hi, Jerry. I'm your mother.
Can you ever forgive me?

Get out of here, you old crone.

Easy, Jerry.

Oh, come on, Bob. I've
had it with these phonies.

I'm no phony. I'm your mum.

Hit the pavement, lady.

How dare you speak
that way to your mother?

Jerry, you're being kinda
rough on the old crone.

Okay, I'll play
your stupid game.

Now what makes you
think that I am your son?

You have a birthmark

shaped like a banana
on your left cheek.

[scoffs]

You blew it, lady. Beat it.

There are other cheeks.

And two of your toes are webbed.

You could have seen that in
my ad in the Wall Street Journal.

Your toes are
webbed like a duck?

Just the two of them.

I've been searching
for you for over 30 years.

I'll never forget the
last time I saw you.

Cuddled in your crib,
sucking your thumb.

Wearing your little blue
hat with a furry ball on top.

You are my mom!

You're my mom!
Oh, Mom, Mom, Mom!

Bob, I want you
to meet... my mom.

It's a pleasure.

Tell me everything, Mom.

Well, we were separated
during the Battle of Britain.

I knew it. I am British.

Half British.

Your father and I met in London.

Oh, he was a Yank in the R.A.F.

No, he was a Yank in
the plumbing supplies.

We were at a pub one night,

and you were back at
the hotel with your nanny...

I had a nanny.

That's what you used
to call your little blue hat.

"Nanny."

You named your hat?

Well, we had a couple of pints.

I went along to use
the convenience.

Suddenly, a buzz bomb
plummeted from the sky

and the pub was rubble.

Oh, no. A buzz bomb.

I woke in hospital two
months later, calling your name.

Which, at the time, was Miles.

Could I borrow a tissue?

Quiet, Bob. Mom
is telling us a story.

I'm sorry, Miles.

Sit down, Mom.

Well, the authorities
thought I'd been killed

so they placed Miles in a
foster home with a sheep farmer.

No wonder! I've
always loved wool.

Then, because his
father was an American,

they sent him to an
orphanage in the States.

Well, you could've traced me.

[sniffing] You
could've traced him.

All you had to do was ask for
an orphan named Robinson.

All you had to do was ask for
an orphan named Robinson.

But that was not our
name. It's Robertson.

They made a
mistake in the records.

I've spent my entire
life looking for you.

Used every cent I had.

[crying] Worn out so
many pairs of shoes...

What a woman.

What a story.

Miles Robertson,
web-footed orphan.

You lucky duck.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

What are you doing?

Destroying flowers.

I don't understand it, Bob.

I mean, are these
the hands of a killer?

Afraid I'm gonna have
to make a citizen's arrest.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Well, here comes 101 Strings.

I've got my song down
perfect. You want to hear it?

Do we have a choice?

I only know one song.

Well, then, hit it, Howard.

One, two, one-two-three-four...

[bass notes]

Would you care to dance, Emily?

Why not? He's playing our song.

[kitten meowing]