The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 12 - Breaking Up Is Hard to Do - full transcript
Bob's mother makes a surprise visit to announce that she and Bob's father have separated.
[theme music playing]
I don't understand it.
It's not like your mother
to drop in at the last minute.
Well, from time to time,
she conducts surprise
inspection tours.
Well, she said she wanted to tell us
about an important decision she's made.
Don't tell me she
shaved her head again.
She said it was serious.
Emily, every decision my mother
makes she thinks is serious.
It's like when she
painted her kitchen.
She didn't know weather to
play it safe and pain it white
or just throw caution to the
wind and paint it off-white.
Well, what'd she decide?
White. She didn't want
to shock the neighbors.
Is there any way to dust dirt?
Emily, just because
my mother is a neat nut,
that doesn't mean that
you have to be intimidated.
If I were you, I'd
pick off that dead leaf.
You think maybe you could help?
It's only one dead leaf, Emily.
All right, what do
you want me to do?
Well, for one thing, you
can get rid of that newspaper.
[door buzzer buzzes]
You think the
place looks all right?
I think we did sensational.
Hello, Sonny. Hi, Mom.
Emily. Hi, Mom.
Is Dad still on
his fishing trip?
As far as I know.
I haven't talked to
him since last week.
Is he, uh, catching
his limit every day?
Oh, yes, he always does.
[clears throat]
Sonny... your father
and I have separated.
S-separated?
Separated.
What do you mean?
Well, I think we all know
what "separated" means.
You're kidding, aren't you?
No. It's been coming
for a long time.
Herb doesn't need a wife.
All he needs is someone to
clean his fish and unsnarl his line.
Mom, what are you saying?
You can't sustain a
relationship with fish.
Oh.
But you have more than fish.
Oh, of course we
have the children,
but with the exception of
Sonny, they're fully grown.
My mother and
father are separated?
You know, Sonny, you have
a very short attention span.
My parents are separated?
Now I know this is going
to be difficult for you, dear.
Children always expect their parents
to... to stay in love no matter what.
But you and Herb have
been together for 47 years.
Your marriage
is older than I am.
No, Sonny, my mind's made up.
Now I just came over
here to tell you this
before you hear it on the radio.
Um, Mom, won't
you stay for dinner?
Oh, no. No, thank you, dear.
Tonight I'm going
home and do something
I've never had the
courage before to do.
What... what's that?
Paint my kitchen off-white.
My... my parents are separated.
It appears that way.
I wish she had gotten
her head shaven.
Oh, Bob.
I know you must be upset, but...
Remember once you told
me about a baby pigeon
you found when you
were a little boy and...
and you fed it bread and
milk until it was big and strong,
and then one day it just
flew off for a life of its own,
and you felt good because...
well, you know, there was a
whole world out there waiting for it?
I never found a pigeon.
I'm going to call my Dad.
Are you sure you
never found a pigeon?
Positive.
Oh, do we have the
number for his fishing lodge?
It's in the bedroom.
Well, who the hell
found that pigeon?
Look at this, Emily. Our
Postal Service is falling apart.
Howard, did you
ever find a pigeon?
I never lost one.
I mean, I sent this
letter to my brother,
and they delivered it to me.
Howard, it was returned to you.
You put a 10-cent stamp on it.
Postage is 13 cents now.
Well, it's a bloody outrage.
Bloody?
Yeah, I just got
back from London.
I mean, what if the
letter was important?
What if I had broken my arm
and I needed my brother
to take care of me?
And there I am stuck
in my apartment,
no way to tie my shoes,
and all because
of a 13-cent stamp?
Aw, take it easy, Howard.
Watch it. My arm
hasn't healed yet.
Mrs. Bakerman, I
can't help but sense
that you're, uh... you're a
little upset with someone.
How could you tell?
Well, you've been
here for 45 minutes,
and the only thing I've heard you
mutter is "Death to the scoundrels."
I am a bit of a sad sack today.
You want to tell me
who the scoundrels are?
My bosses at the supermarket.
I'm almost sure they're going
to replace me with a computer.
Working a cash
register is all I can do.
And I'm very good at it.
A lot of people say
I have flying fingers.
"Tuna fish, 63.
String beans, 34.
"Broccoli, 42.
Milk, 61. Ice cream,
98. Butter, 82."
I think I get the picture...
"Wash, 19. Noodles,
34. Corn, 22.
That will be 4.48."
That's very good.
And you did it all in your head.
Well, I may be
a few dollars off.
Well, you have to
understand, Mrs. Bakerman,
they're not gonna replace a
human being with a computer
because the
computer can't say, uh,
"Good morning. Have a
nice day. Watch your step."
"Did you pay for that lettuce?"
And even if they do
replace you with a computer,
they'll still need
people to run 'em,
people with flying fingers.
I hope you're right.
I need to work.
It's a very good
way to earn money.
I'm sure everything
will be fine.
Don't bet the farm on it.
Well, I'm afraid
your... Your time is up.
Oh, I hope they don't say
that at the supermarket.
Uh, Mrs. Bakerman,
you live alone.
Could I ask you a
personal question?
Sorry, Dr. Hartley, but I
don't go out with married men.
No, no. I, uh...
I'd like to ask you
what you do for fun.
Go ahead.
What... what do you do for fun?
I knit.
Sometimes I go
to my church social,
and I have a season ticket
to the demolition derby.
Why?
Oh, I just happen to know
someone who's alone,
and I was just trying to think of
things to, you know, keep him busy.
Who is it?
It's just a... Just
a close friend.
At the church social,
are all the people
about your age?
Yes, but everyone's welcome.
And what... what
do you do there?
We dance, eat...
and make fun of young people.
Thank you, Mrs. Bakerman.
My pleasure. And
I respect the fact
that you don't want to mention
who your close friend is.
It's Carol, isn't it?
Is it a living American?
Yes.
Is it Stubby Kaye?
Is it Stubby Kaye, Bob?
No, Carol, it's my mother.
Oh, Emily told me about your
parents separation. I'm sorry.
You know, it's strange.
I feel guilty about it.
Like, you know, it was my fault.
I don't blame you.
Thanks, Jerry. That helps a lot.
No. I mean, I always thought
it was my fault I was an orphan.
Yeah, maybe your parents knew
how you were gonna turn out.
[laughs]
[telephone buzzes]
Reception area.
Oh, could it wait a few
minutes, Dr. Newman?
I'm right in the middle
of a separation story.
Uh-huh. Certainly.
How very considerate of you.
He said, "How'd you like to
be separated from your job?"
Don't say anything
while I'm gone.
Anyway, the way I
feel about my mom...
You said something.
I'm sorry. We'll talk
about the weather.
I feel like I've been
rained on, Jerry.
I don't understand you, Bob.
I mean, here you
are, a psychologist,
and these are the kind of things
you should be able to deal with.
You know, I really don't know how
my mom is gonna make it on her own.
When I found my mom, she was
alone for 20 years, but she did okay.
Yeah, but my
mom's, uh... fragile.
So's my mom. She's
a delicate butterfly.
You know, my mom...
my mom trusts people too much.
My mom wears her
heart on her sleeve.
My mom's a good woman.
My mom's the best.
My mom is a saint.
My mom's a pope.
Oh, yeah? Yeah!
Jerry, this is ridiculous.
We're arguing about
who has the best mom.
It is ridiculous.
There's no contest.
Your mom is chopped
liver next to my mom.
Hi, honey. Hi, dear.
What's, uh... what's for dinner?
You're not gonna like it.
That's sounds
promising. What is it?
Corned beef and cabbage.
I hate corned beef and cabbage.
I know you do.
Thanks for making it.
I didn't.
Oh, I get it. Now the
Colonel has cabbage.
Read the note.
"I had a few spare
minutes this afternoon
"so I cleaned your apartment,
made supper and did the laundry.
No thanks is
necessary. Love Mom."
Mm-hmm. Wasn't that
sweet of your mother?
I'm gonna have a drink.
Another note.
"I wish you wouldn't. Love Mom."
Honey, your mother's
only trying to help.
She's got a lot of
time on her hands.
Emily, she said she
wanted to lead her own life.
For the past 3 weeks,
she's been leading ours.
Well, I finally wrote
that scathing letter
complaining about
the 13-cent stamp.
Boy, heads are gonna
roll when they read this.
"Dear Post Office.
Pretty scathing, Howard.
"It has come to my attention
that the price of stamps
has risen drastically."
It gets scathing-er.
"If this situation does
not change immediately,
"I will throw a stink
bomb in your building...
and/or mail you a dead fish."
It's the "and/or" part
that'll keep 'em guessing.
"Cordially, Richard. M. Nixon."
Nice letter, Dick.
Thanks.
[sniffs] What smells good?
Corned beef and cabbage.
Corned beef and cabbage? I
love corned beef and cabbage.
Good. I'll set another place.
Emily, we have got
to do something about
trying to keep my mother busy.
Does your mother
like skeet shooting?
No.
Then I can't think of anything.
I mean, we got to have
her make new friends,
get involved with other people.
Yeah, friends are important.
I play poker with a bunch
of friends every weekend.
Mom plays bridge.
Well, that wouldn't make
any sense her playing bridge
while we're playing poker.
Yeah.
Do you want mustard
with this, darling?
Oh, thanks, honey.
We have to give
my mother a push.
Maybe we ought to take her to one
of Mrs. Bakerman's church socials.
[telephone rings]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Yeah, it looks delicious.
Yeah, we got both
your notes, Mom.
3 notes?
In the bedroom.
Could you save me some steps
and tell me what it says, Mom?
"Think grandchildren."
[soft music playing]
This is a lot of fun.
Lots of people. Lots of food.
And lots of dust.
The people here seem very nice.
Well, how do we know
that? They're strangers.
You know, it's funny, Mom,
people are strangers
until you talk to them.
Then they're not
strangers anymore.
[laughs]
That's funny.
[laughs]
No, Howard, I didn't
mean it was funny,
I meant it was... funny.
[laughs] Yes, it is.
Well, I'm ready to go.
Mom, sit down. We just got here.
Mom, the reason
we brought you here
was to make new
friends and have fun.
I don't need friends.
I have you and Emily.
Mom, make new
friends, cherish old.
One is silver, one is gold.
Well, I know what
you mean, Sonny,
but I just don't want to
be with people right now.
Everybody keeps asking
me, "When are you and Herb
going to get together again?"
Yeah.
You must be going through hell!
Oh, Howard!
Well, I'm sure
everything will be all right.
I mean, I actually
enjoyed my separation.
I mean, I only had to buy
have as much food and, uh...
well, uh, do half
as much laundry.
Uh, just, uh... make
up half the bed.
Excuse me for half a minute.
Well! How are we getting on?
Oh, fine, Mrs. Bakerman.
Uh, Mrs. Bakerman,
this is my mom.
How do you do?
Hello, Mrs. Hartley!
Have you met everybody?
Oh, yes, thank you.
Mom, you haven't met anybody.
I just met Mrs. Bakerman.
Oh! Well, uh...
That's Mr. Jackson.
He has all his hair,
but he's missing
his gall bladder.
Really?
You know, you can't tell.
And that's Mrs. Ferguson.
She has her gall bladder,
but her hair is el fake-o.
Really? You can't tell.
It looks like a blue hat.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Bakerman.
Oh, hello, Howard. How are you?
Well, fine for a lonely man
without female companionship.
Oh, don't be a Gloomy
Gus. Let's dance.
Are you sure? Do you do the dip?
No, but I made the brownies. Oh.
Well, I think Howard
has finally met his match.
Mom, would you like some food?
No, thank you. Well, I'm hungry.
Well, go ahead. It's you
who'll have to be up all night.
Excuse me.
Sonny...
don't you think it's awfully
forward of Mrs. Bakerman
to ask Howard to dance?
Yeah. He should
have punched her out.
Mom, the reason that people come
to church socials is to be sociable.
Hi. I'm Brian McDermott.
Would you like to dance?
No, thank you.
Well, could I get
you something to eat?
No, thank you.
She's afraid she'll
be up all night.
They're playing
bingo in the next room.
No, thank you.
You've broken my heart.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you sure you
wouldn't like to dance?
Excuse me, she
said, "No, thank you."
Just trying to be sociable.
I guess we showed him.
He was just trying to be nice.
But, Mom, he's not your type.
I thought I was here because
you wanted me to meet new people.
Oh, I... I do, but,
uh... lady people.
At the, uh... at the risk of
offending your brother...
Oh.
I wonder if you'd like to
go play some miniature golf.
Uh, no, thank you.
I'll take care of this, Sonny.
Yes, thank you.
Wonderful.
Oh, does the course
have a windmill hole?
The best. And a loop-the-loop.
Oh! See you later, Sonny.
Yes, take it easy, Sonny.
Boy, I never won a prize before.
Lucky you.
Ha ha. You're just jealous
'cause Mr. Jackson and I
won the rumba contest
and you came in fourth
with the lady
with the blue hair.
Ha... ha... ha.
Oh, Bob, I can't
believe you're still mad
because your mother
made a new friend.
Emily, w-w-what do
we know about him?
Well, from what I understand,
he's a retired investment
counselor, fairly well-off,
a widower with two children.
His son Keith is in Dartmouth.
The daughter Cindy, I believe
her married name is Watson,
is a computer programmer
in upstate New York.
Brian likes listening to
classical music, reading,
and an occasional
game of tennis.
Yeah, but what do
we know about him?
DO you want a cookie?
No, thank you.
E-Emily, I just...
I don't like the
idea of my mother
running off with the
first man she meets.
Oh, they didn't run off.
They just went to
play miniature golf.
Sure, that's how it
starts. What comes next?
Real golf.
Sure you don't want a cookie?
I said no.
He's not my
mother's type, Emily.
He's old enough to be my father.
That's how old
he's supposed to be.
Emily, I think my mother...
should act her age.
Did you see how much
makeup she had on tonight?
Bob, she just had on a
little rouge and some lipstick.
She shouldn't wear lipstick.
I wear lipstick.
That doesn't make it right.
I don't understand you.
First you're upset because
you had her on your hands.
Now you're upset
because you don't.
I mean, what do
you want her to do?
Lock herself in the closet?
She... she has a whole
house to roam around in.
Okay, all right. I can see how
it's good that Mom has someone
she can, uh... she
can go out with.
Someone to play
miniature golf with.
Someone to... to
walk her home at night.
Someone she can invite in
to... to have a cup of coffee.
Someone to... to talk with...
late into the night.
Emily, what do we
know about this guy?
You gonna hog those
cookies all night?
So the supermarket is
gonna pay the entire cost
of your computer
training program?
Yes, and I thought I
was going to be fired.
I was such a ninny.
I mean, in these changing times,
you have to ride with the
tide and go with the flow.
Do what the situation calls for.
I beg your pardon?
Go... go with the flow.
Well, I'm afraid our time is up.
I'm expecting my mother.
Oh! I understand that
she and Brian McDermott
have been spending
quite a bit of time together.
Isn't that nice?
Yeah, it's, uh... that's swell.
You were worried about your
mother being alone, weren't you?
Yeah.
Even a psychologist can't
see the forest for the trees.
Hello, Martha! Hello!
Sonny. Hi, Mom.
How is big bad Brian?
He's just fine.
Just my luck.
The real hunks are always taken.
[sighs]
Big bad Brian.
Sonny, is something
bothering you?
Are you eating enough roughage?
No. No, Mom, it isn't that.
Mom, what has happened to all
the things you've always taught me?
I taught you to eat roughage.
I was brought up to
be very proper and...
conservative.
And you turned out so stodgy.
I really don't know how
you got that way, dear.
I guess I got it from Dad.
Sonny...
are you upset because
I'm seeing a man?
Upset? No.
I hate it.
Sonny, where did you
get this annoying habit
of interfering in
people's lives?
I have a good time with Brian.
He makes me feel important.
Is there anything
wrong with that?
No.
How... how good a time?
Sonny, you're
acting like a child.
Well, maybe that's because I...
I am a child. I'm your child.
And I'm having a hard
time getting used to the fact
that my mother is...
is dating a... a hunk.
Now, Sonny, I'm going
to say something to you
that your father's
always said to me.
Why don't you dig your own
worms and bait your own hook?
Ride with tide and
go with the flow, huh?
Exactly. You know, Sonny,
I think we should
have an understanding.
Nothing etched in stone,
just an informal agreement
that Carol can type up
and we can both sign.
To wit: You won't
interfere in my life,
and I won't interfere in yours.
It's a deal.
Oh, I'm glad, dear.
Now... let's talk
about grandchildren.
Bob, can I talk to you?
Jerry, I'm dictating.
This will just take
a minute, Bob.
Have you heard from your dad?
He's still fishing.
Good. I got this plan.
We get my mom a fishing pole
and a pair of those hip waders.
Then she and your
dad just happen to meet
in the middle of his favorite
mountain fishing stream.
The sun is shining.
The breeze is... breezing.
One thing leads to another
and... he pops the question.
"Where'd you ever get
hip waders that large?"
[laughs]
You just lost your chance
to become my brother.
You've made bigger mistakes.
All right, Carol, read
the last part back to me,
starting with paragraph two.
Subsection C? Yeah.
Uh..."Party of the first part,
herein after referred
to as 'Mother, '
"will cease and desist
from calling my secretary
to check if I had a
well-balanced lunch."
Oh, by the way,
Bob, she said that
well-balanced lunch
should contain roughage.
Subsection D.
With regard to roughage...
In the event that grandchildren
shall ever appear on the scene,
we will feed them roughage.
Until that time, bug off.
[theme music playing]
[meow]
I don't understand it.
It's not like your mother
to drop in at the last minute.
Well, from time to time,
she conducts surprise
inspection tours.
Well, she said she wanted to tell us
about an important decision she's made.
Don't tell me she
shaved her head again.
She said it was serious.
Emily, every decision my mother
makes she thinks is serious.
It's like when she
painted her kitchen.
She didn't know weather to
play it safe and pain it white
or just throw caution to the
wind and paint it off-white.
Well, what'd she decide?
White. She didn't want
to shock the neighbors.
Is there any way to dust dirt?
Emily, just because
my mother is a neat nut,
that doesn't mean that
you have to be intimidated.
If I were you, I'd
pick off that dead leaf.
You think maybe you could help?
It's only one dead leaf, Emily.
All right, what do
you want me to do?
Well, for one thing, you
can get rid of that newspaper.
[door buzzer buzzes]
You think the
place looks all right?
I think we did sensational.
Hello, Sonny. Hi, Mom.
Emily. Hi, Mom.
Is Dad still on
his fishing trip?
As far as I know.
I haven't talked to
him since last week.
Is he, uh, catching
his limit every day?
Oh, yes, he always does.
[clears throat]
Sonny... your father
and I have separated.
S-separated?
Separated.
What do you mean?
Well, I think we all know
what "separated" means.
You're kidding, aren't you?
No. It's been coming
for a long time.
Herb doesn't need a wife.
All he needs is someone to
clean his fish and unsnarl his line.
Mom, what are you saying?
You can't sustain a
relationship with fish.
Oh.
But you have more than fish.
Oh, of course we
have the children,
but with the exception of
Sonny, they're fully grown.
My mother and
father are separated?
You know, Sonny, you have
a very short attention span.
My parents are separated?
Now I know this is going
to be difficult for you, dear.
Children always expect their parents
to... to stay in love no matter what.
But you and Herb have
been together for 47 years.
Your marriage
is older than I am.
No, Sonny, my mind's made up.
Now I just came over
here to tell you this
before you hear it on the radio.
Um, Mom, won't
you stay for dinner?
Oh, no. No, thank you, dear.
Tonight I'm going
home and do something
I've never had the
courage before to do.
What... what's that?
Paint my kitchen off-white.
My... my parents are separated.
It appears that way.
I wish she had gotten
her head shaven.
Oh, Bob.
I know you must be upset, but...
Remember once you told
me about a baby pigeon
you found when you
were a little boy and...
and you fed it bread and
milk until it was big and strong,
and then one day it just
flew off for a life of its own,
and you felt good because...
well, you know, there was a
whole world out there waiting for it?
I never found a pigeon.
I'm going to call my Dad.
Are you sure you
never found a pigeon?
Positive.
Oh, do we have the
number for his fishing lodge?
It's in the bedroom.
Well, who the hell
found that pigeon?
Look at this, Emily. Our
Postal Service is falling apart.
Howard, did you
ever find a pigeon?
I never lost one.
I mean, I sent this
letter to my brother,
and they delivered it to me.
Howard, it was returned to you.
You put a 10-cent stamp on it.
Postage is 13 cents now.
Well, it's a bloody outrage.
Bloody?
Yeah, I just got
back from London.
I mean, what if the
letter was important?
What if I had broken my arm
and I needed my brother
to take care of me?
And there I am stuck
in my apartment,
no way to tie my shoes,
and all because
of a 13-cent stamp?
Aw, take it easy, Howard.
Watch it. My arm
hasn't healed yet.
Mrs. Bakerman, I
can't help but sense
that you're, uh... you're a
little upset with someone.
How could you tell?
Well, you've been
here for 45 minutes,
and the only thing I've heard you
mutter is "Death to the scoundrels."
I am a bit of a sad sack today.
You want to tell me
who the scoundrels are?
My bosses at the supermarket.
I'm almost sure they're going
to replace me with a computer.
Working a cash
register is all I can do.
And I'm very good at it.
A lot of people say
I have flying fingers.
"Tuna fish, 63.
String beans, 34.
"Broccoli, 42.
Milk, 61. Ice cream,
98. Butter, 82."
I think I get the picture...
"Wash, 19. Noodles,
34. Corn, 22.
That will be 4.48."
That's very good.
And you did it all in your head.
Well, I may be
a few dollars off.
Well, you have to
understand, Mrs. Bakerman,
they're not gonna replace a
human being with a computer
because the
computer can't say, uh,
"Good morning. Have a
nice day. Watch your step."
"Did you pay for that lettuce?"
And even if they do
replace you with a computer,
they'll still need
people to run 'em,
people with flying fingers.
I hope you're right.
I need to work.
It's a very good
way to earn money.
I'm sure everything
will be fine.
Don't bet the farm on it.
Well, I'm afraid
your... Your time is up.
Oh, I hope they don't say
that at the supermarket.
Uh, Mrs. Bakerman,
you live alone.
Could I ask you a
personal question?
Sorry, Dr. Hartley, but I
don't go out with married men.
No, no. I, uh...
I'd like to ask you
what you do for fun.
Go ahead.
What... what do you do for fun?
I knit.
Sometimes I go
to my church social,
and I have a season ticket
to the demolition derby.
Why?
Oh, I just happen to know
someone who's alone,
and I was just trying to think of
things to, you know, keep him busy.
Who is it?
It's just a... Just
a close friend.
At the church social,
are all the people
about your age?
Yes, but everyone's welcome.
And what... what
do you do there?
We dance, eat...
and make fun of young people.
Thank you, Mrs. Bakerman.
My pleasure. And
I respect the fact
that you don't want to mention
who your close friend is.
It's Carol, isn't it?
Is it a living American?
Yes.
Is it Stubby Kaye?
Is it Stubby Kaye, Bob?
No, Carol, it's my mother.
Oh, Emily told me about your
parents separation. I'm sorry.
You know, it's strange.
I feel guilty about it.
Like, you know, it was my fault.
I don't blame you.
Thanks, Jerry. That helps a lot.
No. I mean, I always thought
it was my fault I was an orphan.
Yeah, maybe your parents knew
how you were gonna turn out.
[laughs]
[telephone buzzes]
Reception area.
Oh, could it wait a few
minutes, Dr. Newman?
I'm right in the middle
of a separation story.
Uh-huh. Certainly.
How very considerate of you.
He said, "How'd you like to
be separated from your job?"
Don't say anything
while I'm gone.
Anyway, the way I
feel about my mom...
You said something.
I'm sorry. We'll talk
about the weather.
I feel like I've been
rained on, Jerry.
I don't understand you, Bob.
I mean, here you
are, a psychologist,
and these are the kind of things
you should be able to deal with.
You know, I really don't know how
my mom is gonna make it on her own.
When I found my mom, she was
alone for 20 years, but she did okay.
Yeah, but my
mom's, uh... fragile.
So's my mom. She's
a delicate butterfly.
You know, my mom...
my mom trusts people too much.
My mom wears her
heart on her sleeve.
My mom's a good woman.
My mom's the best.
My mom is a saint.
My mom's a pope.
Oh, yeah? Yeah!
Jerry, this is ridiculous.
We're arguing about
who has the best mom.
It is ridiculous.
There's no contest.
Your mom is chopped
liver next to my mom.
Hi, honey. Hi, dear.
What's, uh... what's for dinner?
You're not gonna like it.
That's sounds
promising. What is it?
Corned beef and cabbage.
I hate corned beef and cabbage.
I know you do.
Thanks for making it.
I didn't.
Oh, I get it. Now the
Colonel has cabbage.
Read the note.
"I had a few spare
minutes this afternoon
"so I cleaned your apartment,
made supper and did the laundry.
No thanks is
necessary. Love Mom."
Mm-hmm. Wasn't that
sweet of your mother?
I'm gonna have a drink.
Another note.
"I wish you wouldn't. Love Mom."
Honey, your mother's
only trying to help.
She's got a lot of
time on her hands.
Emily, she said she
wanted to lead her own life.
For the past 3 weeks,
she's been leading ours.
Well, I finally wrote
that scathing letter
complaining about
the 13-cent stamp.
Boy, heads are gonna
roll when they read this.
"Dear Post Office.
Pretty scathing, Howard.
"It has come to my attention
that the price of stamps
has risen drastically."
It gets scathing-er.
"If this situation does
not change immediately,
"I will throw a stink
bomb in your building...
and/or mail you a dead fish."
It's the "and/or" part
that'll keep 'em guessing.
"Cordially, Richard. M. Nixon."
Nice letter, Dick.
Thanks.
[sniffs] What smells good?
Corned beef and cabbage.
Corned beef and cabbage? I
love corned beef and cabbage.
Good. I'll set another place.
Emily, we have got
to do something about
trying to keep my mother busy.
Does your mother
like skeet shooting?
No.
Then I can't think of anything.
I mean, we got to have
her make new friends,
get involved with other people.
Yeah, friends are important.
I play poker with a bunch
of friends every weekend.
Mom plays bridge.
Well, that wouldn't make
any sense her playing bridge
while we're playing poker.
Yeah.
Do you want mustard
with this, darling?
Oh, thanks, honey.
We have to give
my mother a push.
Maybe we ought to take her to one
of Mrs. Bakerman's church socials.
[telephone rings]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Yeah, it looks delicious.
Yeah, we got both
your notes, Mom.
3 notes?
In the bedroom.
Could you save me some steps
and tell me what it says, Mom?
"Think grandchildren."
[soft music playing]
This is a lot of fun.
Lots of people. Lots of food.
And lots of dust.
The people here seem very nice.
Well, how do we know
that? They're strangers.
You know, it's funny, Mom,
people are strangers
until you talk to them.
Then they're not
strangers anymore.
[laughs]
That's funny.
[laughs]
No, Howard, I didn't
mean it was funny,
I meant it was... funny.
[laughs] Yes, it is.
Well, I'm ready to go.
Mom, sit down. We just got here.
Mom, the reason
we brought you here
was to make new
friends and have fun.
I don't need friends.
I have you and Emily.
Mom, make new
friends, cherish old.
One is silver, one is gold.
Well, I know what
you mean, Sonny,
but I just don't want to
be with people right now.
Everybody keeps asking
me, "When are you and Herb
going to get together again?"
Yeah.
You must be going through hell!
Oh, Howard!
Well, I'm sure
everything will be all right.
I mean, I actually
enjoyed my separation.
I mean, I only had to buy
have as much food and, uh...
well, uh, do half
as much laundry.
Uh, just, uh... make
up half the bed.
Excuse me for half a minute.
Well! How are we getting on?
Oh, fine, Mrs. Bakerman.
Uh, Mrs. Bakerman,
this is my mom.
How do you do?
Hello, Mrs. Hartley!
Have you met everybody?
Oh, yes, thank you.
Mom, you haven't met anybody.
I just met Mrs. Bakerman.
Oh! Well, uh...
That's Mr. Jackson.
He has all his hair,
but he's missing
his gall bladder.
Really?
You know, you can't tell.
And that's Mrs. Ferguson.
She has her gall bladder,
but her hair is el fake-o.
Really? You can't tell.
It looks like a blue hat.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Bakerman.
Oh, hello, Howard. How are you?
Well, fine for a lonely man
without female companionship.
Oh, don't be a Gloomy
Gus. Let's dance.
Are you sure? Do you do the dip?
No, but I made the brownies. Oh.
Well, I think Howard
has finally met his match.
Mom, would you like some food?
No, thank you. Well, I'm hungry.
Well, go ahead. It's you
who'll have to be up all night.
Excuse me.
Sonny...
don't you think it's awfully
forward of Mrs. Bakerman
to ask Howard to dance?
Yeah. He should
have punched her out.
Mom, the reason that people come
to church socials is to be sociable.
Hi. I'm Brian McDermott.
Would you like to dance?
No, thank you.
Well, could I get
you something to eat?
No, thank you.
She's afraid she'll
be up all night.
They're playing
bingo in the next room.
No, thank you.
You've broken my heart.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you sure you
wouldn't like to dance?
Excuse me, she
said, "No, thank you."
Just trying to be sociable.
I guess we showed him.
He was just trying to be nice.
But, Mom, he's not your type.
I thought I was here because
you wanted me to meet new people.
Oh, I... I do, but,
uh... lady people.
At the, uh... at the risk of
offending your brother...
Oh.
I wonder if you'd like to
go play some miniature golf.
Uh, no, thank you.
I'll take care of this, Sonny.
Yes, thank you.
Wonderful.
Oh, does the course
have a windmill hole?
The best. And a loop-the-loop.
Oh! See you later, Sonny.
Yes, take it easy, Sonny.
Boy, I never won a prize before.
Lucky you.
Ha ha. You're just jealous
'cause Mr. Jackson and I
won the rumba contest
and you came in fourth
with the lady
with the blue hair.
Ha... ha... ha.
Oh, Bob, I can't
believe you're still mad
because your mother
made a new friend.
Emily, w-w-what do
we know about him?
Well, from what I understand,
he's a retired investment
counselor, fairly well-off,
a widower with two children.
His son Keith is in Dartmouth.
The daughter Cindy, I believe
her married name is Watson,
is a computer programmer
in upstate New York.
Brian likes listening to
classical music, reading,
and an occasional
game of tennis.
Yeah, but what do
we know about him?
DO you want a cookie?
No, thank you.
E-Emily, I just...
I don't like the
idea of my mother
running off with the
first man she meets.
Oh, they didn't run off.
They just went to
play miniature golf.
Sure, that's how it
starts. What comes next?
Real golf.
Sure you don't want a cookie?
I said no.
He's not my
mother's type, Emily.
He's old enough to be my father.
That's how old
he's supposed to be.
Emily, I think my mother...
should act her age.
Did you see how much
makeup she had on tonight?
Bob, she just had on a
little rouge and some lipstick.
She shouldn't wear lipstick.
I wear lipstick.
That doesn't make it right.
I don't understand you.
First you're upset because
you had her on your hands.
Now you're upset
because you don't.
I mean, what do
you want her to do?
Lock herself in the closet?
She... she has a whole
house to roam around in.
Okay, all right. I can see how
it's good that Mom has someone
she can, uh... she
can go out with.
Someone to play
miniature golf with.
Someone to... to
walk her home at night.
Someone she can invite in
to... to have a cup of coffee.
Someone to... to talk with...
late into the night.
Emily, what do we
know about this guy?
You gonna hog those
cookies all night?
So the supermarket is
gonna pay the entire cost
of your computer
training program?
Yes, and I thought I
was going to be fired.
I was such a ninny.
I mean, in these changing times,
you have to ride with the
tide and go with the flow.
Do what the situation calls for.
I beg your pardon?
Go... go with the flow.
Well, I'm afraid our time is up.
I'm expecting my mother.
Oh! I understand that
she and Brian McDermott
have been spending
quite a bit of time together.
Isn't that nice?
Yeah, it's, uh... that's swell.
You were worried about your
mother being alone, weren't you?
Yeah.
Even a psychologist can't
see the forest for the trees.
Hello, Martha! Hello!
Sonny. Hi, Mom.
How is big bad Brian?
He's just fine.
Just my luck.
The real hunks are always taken.
[sighs]
Big bad Brian.
Sonny, is something
bothering you?
Are you eating enough roughage?
No. No, Mom, it isn't that.
Mom, what has happened to all
the things you've always taught me?
I taught you to eat roughage.
I was brought up to
be very proper and...
conservative.
And you turned out so stodgy.
I really don't know how
you got that way, dear.
I guess I got it from Dad.
Sonny...
are you upset because
I'm seeing a man?
Upset? No.
I hate it.
Sonny, where did you
get this annoying habit
of interfering in
people's lives?
I have a good time with Brian.
He makes me feel important.
Is there anything
wrong with that?
No.
How... how good a time?
Sonny, you're
acting like a child.
Well, maybe that's because I...
I am a child. I'm your child.
And I'm having a hard
time getting used to the fact
that my mother is...
is dating a... a hunk.
Now, Sonny, I'm going
to say something to you
that your father's
always said to me.
Why don't you dig your own
worms and bait your own hook?
Ride with tide and
go with the flow, huh?
Exactly. You know, Sonny,
I think we should
have an understanding.
Nothing etched in stone,
just an informal agreement
that Carol can type up
and we can both sign.
To wit: You won't
interfere in my life,
and I won't interfere in yours.
It's a deal.
Oh, I'm glad, dear.
Now... let's talk
about grandchildren.
Bob, can I talk to you?
Jerry, I'm dictating.
This will just take
a minute, Bob.
Have you heard from your dad?
He's still fishing.
Good. I got this plan.
We get my mom a fishing pole
and a pair of those hip waders.
Then she and your
dad just happen to meet
in the middle of his favorite
mountain fishing stream.
The sun is shining.
The breeze is... breezing.
One thing leads to another
and... he pops the question.
"Where'd you ever get
hip waders that large?"
[laughs]
You just lost your chance
to become my brother.
You've made bigger mistakes.
All right, Carol, read
the last part back to me,
starting with paragraph two.
Subsection C? Yeah.
Uh..."Party of the first part,
herein after referred
to as 'Mother, '
"will cease and desist
from calling my secretary
to check if I had a
well-balanced lunch."
Oh, by the way,
Bob, she said that
well-balanced lunch
should contain roughage.
Subsection D.
With regard to roughage...
In the event that grandchildren
shall ever appear on the scene,
we will feed them roughage.
Until that time, bug off.
[theme music playing]
[meow]