The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 13 - Making Up Is the Thing to Do - full transcript
Bob wants to try to get his parents back together over Christmas dinner.
[theme music playing]
Oh, uh, Carol, would
you file these, please?
Sure. Uh, Bob? Yeah?
Let's talk Christmas gifts.
Fine. Go ahead.
I was referring to those gifts
for your fellow workers
here, on the seventh floor.
Specifically...
Specifically that portion
of the seventh floor
that we like to refer to
as "the reception area."
Carol, could you be
even more specific?
My gift.
Ah.
Now, Bob, sometimes
the gifts the giver gives
are not the greatest
gifts for the givee to get.
Gotcha.
This year, Bob, you might
like to take into consideration
the person's height,
the color of their hair,
and the color of their eyes.
Carol, am I to take it from that
that you weren't happy with
the gift we gave you last year?
I loved my pencil
sharpener, Bob.
But it didn't match my eyes.
Carol, about this
Christmas present nonsense.
Let's kiss it off.
Jerry, every Christmas, we
exchange Christmas presents.
Yeah, but I never know
what to get anybody.
Well, just use your imagination
and give something
you'd like to have.
Fine. In that case, you'll both be
getting a weekend with Farrah Fawcett.
Hi, Bob. Hi, Jerry. Hi, Larry.
Hi, Red. Hi, honey.
They were out of mistletoe,
so I got a geranium.
Works for me.
Do they have to do
this stuff in the office?
Better here than in the streets.
Wait a minute,
Bob, don't run off.
Larry, can't we just...
Just shake hands and...
and wish each other
a Merry Christmas?
Oh, no, no. I wanted
to invite you and Emily,
and you, too, Jerry,
for Christmas dinner.
Carol's gonna make this massive
turkey with all the trimmings.
That's too bad.
I've been practicing.
No, I mean I can't come.
My mother and I are
having dinner together.
Oh.
Yeah, we can't, either.
As you know, my...
my parents split up.
Well, that's no
reason to starve.
No, no, I just have a plan to get
them back together on Christmas Day.
See, I'm gonna invite my
mother to have dinner with us,
then I'm gonna invite my father,
and I'm not gonna tell her
that he's gonna be there.
That sounds like
a good idea, Bob.
Well, holidays have a way of
bringing people closer together.
They generate warmth.
You know, they kind of
remind you of the ties that bind.
Yeah. When did the separate?
Thanksgiving.
Thanks for cooking dinner,
Mom. It was delicious.
Sonny didn't think so.
You hardly touched
your parsnips.
Mom, you've known
me for over 40 years.
I've never touched my parsnips.
That's probably why I don't
have any grandchildren.
Coffee? Thank you.
You know, Mom, since you
cooked dinner for us tonight,
Bob and I would like to
make Christmas dinner for you.
Mm-mm. No, no. I know
what you two are up to.
We're up to inviting
you for Christmas dinner.
No, you'll just
get me over here,
the doorbell will ring,
and guess who
will casually walk in?
Who? Him.
Him who? Herb Hartley.
Oh, him.
Now would... would I
do something like that?
I know your tricks, Sonny.
You're just trying to
get us back together.
It's written all over your face.
My face?
[laughs] Oh, Sonny! Sonny!
You're such a fibber.
Look, Emily. Look at his
face. That's a fibber's face.
[laughs]
You're right.
[Southern accent]
Breaker, breaker.
This is your Chi-town
sky guy. How 'bout it?
How about what, Howard?
I got the hammer down,
and I'm heading toward
the old blue couch,
and I ain't eyeballed
a Smokey yet.
How's it look from over there
where you are over there?
He's finally snapped.
[regular voice] I'm
practicing my CB talk.
Crazy Buffoon?
No, a Citizen's Band. I bought
Howie a CB radio for Christmas.
Uh, this is for when you're on the
road, so the Smokies won't catch you.
There's no doubt about
it. He's finally snapped.
No, no. Smokies are
State Troopers, see.
If you say it in CB talk,
I mean, they won't
understand you.
Howard, why don't you just
talk the way you usually do
and nobody will understand you?
[Southern accent] Well...
keep your shiny side up
and your greasy side down,
and keep in between
the bumps and the jumps.
Howard, what are
you talking about?
[regular voice] Well, I'm just
getting ready to say good-bye.
Then just say good-bye.
Adios. We goin'.
What an odd person.
Well, I think I
better be going, too.
Oh, Mom, are you sure you
won't reconsider Christmas?
No, thank you, dear.
I'm, uh... I'm going to Miami
to spend the holidays
with your Aunt Doris.
Mom, you hate Aunt Doris.
Well, I'll just ignore her.
Oh, Mom, Miami will be nothing
but sunshine and palm trees.
Well, I'll just
try to live with it.
Oh, you and Sonny will have a
wonderful Christmas together,
just like Herb...
and I used to...
Oh. Oh, Mom.
Oh, don't worry about
me. I'll be all right.
It's just that every
once in a while,
I think about him and,
uh, I get a little misty.
I hope you and Sonny never have
to go through anything like that.
I gave that man the
best years of my life.
Wait a minute, Mom. Don't forget he
gave you some pretty good years, too.
But the years I gave him were
better than the years he gave me.
Mom, you seem to
forget. You left him.
Now let's not nitpick, Sonny.
Adios. Me gone.
[knock on door]
Hi, Dad. Oh, hiya, Bob.
I'll be with you
in just a second.
You know, uh, you never change.
Every minute you get,
you're trying a new fly.
Yeah, well, you
gotta be prepared.
You can never tell
when a school of flounder
might float by your window.
So what's, uh... what's new?
You, uh, still separated?
Rumor has it.
Have you considered the
possibility of changing the situation?
Yeah. But I had a couple of
drinks and came to my senses.
Right.
It's a nice place you got here.
It's a hell hole,
and you know it.
Well, it's kinda homey.
If your home's in hell.
Look, Bob, don't patronize me.
I know this place is a dump,
and it's not as clean as, uh...
what's-her-name would keep it.
You know her name.
It sticks in my throat.
Nice moose.
What moose?
That moose.
Oh. Yeah.
Well, it came charging
through the wall one day...
Mom was over at
the house yesterday.
She, uh... She cried over you.
That's the way it goes.
I mean real tears. You
know, not just little sobs.
I'm talking about rain.
Yeah, that's her all right.
Puddles of tears.
That's her all over.
A veritable monsoon.
Look, son, it's not gonna work.
Now look, you're
too old to spank,
and I'm too old to
challenge you to a fight.
So why don't you
get off my back?
Dad, the reason I came
over here was to, uh...
was to talk to you about
having Christmas with us.
You think I'm still
wet behind the ears?
You're gonna invite what's-her-name
to come over, too, aren't you?
Well, I... I did invite Mom,
but she's gonna
visit Aunt Doris.
[laughs] She always
changes her mind.
You know, after you were born,
we were trying to decide
on a name to call you.
She wanted to call you Herb.
Oh. After you?
After Hoover.
And then she wanted to
call you Calvin and Woodrow.
I wanted to call you Lucifer.
Lucifer? What kind
of name is that?
Oh, I think that's
a hell of a name.
Well, anyway, you
see what I'm up against.
That Martha sure
can change her mind.
You remembered her name.
Of course I remembered her name.
Why wouldn't I?
We've had 45
wonderful years together.
47.
Well, the last two
have been iffy.
Dad, have you ever
considered the possibility
that maybe it wasn't
all Mom's fault?
Yeah, I considered it,
and I considered
it to be hogwash.
Now look, Bob, last
year I invited your mother
to go fishing with me,
any place in the world.
But would she go? No.
Doesn't sound very romantic.
I'm not just talking
about daytime fishing.
I'm talking about
nighttime fishing, too.
Just the two of us, alone,
out there in the moonlight.
My God, son, they write
songs about things like that.
Dad, sometimes you
have to swallow your pride,
you know, even though
you know you're not wrong.
I mean, to get things
back on the track,
someone has to
take that first step.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, you're right, Bob.
And I've been waiting for weeks,
but she just won't
take that first step.
Where are you going?
I'm going out to
get a newspaper.
There's more I want to tell you.
Tell it to the moose. He
takes all my messages.
Hey, what are you
doing Christmas?
Bob, do you wanna take care of
these now before you forget 'em?
What are they?
Little gifts for people who
work around the building.
I supply the envelopes.
You supply the cash.
Oh. Yeah. Here's, uh...
There's $5.00.
$5.00?
[laughs]
Surely, you jest.
This is Christmas, Bob.
This is a hold-up, Carol.
Who are these people?
Gene? Janitor.
Oh.
Pops? Night watchman.
Why are all night
watchmen called "Pops?"
I don't know. But that's
a wonderful insight.
Eddie. Mailman.
The real surly guy? Yeah.
Why should we
give him any money?
Don't give it and see.
Carol. Receptionist.
Isn't it funny how all
receptionists are called "Carol?"
Yeah, we used to have
a Carol that worked here.
Right.
Well, I managed to get everything
my mom and I are gonna need
to have a wonderful,
traditional Christmas.
Including this genuine,
traditional Yule log.
I never knew plastic
was traditional.
Gives you a nice, warm
feeling, though, doesn't it?
Yeah, something akin to nausea.
Oh, hi, Jerry.
Here are the gifts, Carol.
What the heck is that?
It's a Yule log.
No, I mean, seriously.
Seriously.
Oh, it's one of those
Japanese bug lights.
It's a Yule log.
Right. I guess you won't
have any bugs on your turkey.
Okay, go ahead and ridicule it.
At least I'm going to have a
lovely Christmas with my mother.
Too bad you can't
say the same thing.
Oh, Jerry. That's a low blow.
I know. It's my specialty.
I'm gonna spend
Christmas with my parents.
Great. Bob, your plan worked.
Well, I'm not positive.
But my mother said no,
which is as good as a yes.
And my dad said never, which
can mean several different things.
[scoffs] Face it, Bob. You're
living in a dream world.
Your dad's never gonna show up.
Your mom's never gonna show up.
Your whole plan stinks.
Best of the season to you, Bob.
Hi! Martha, how are you?
I see you got one
of those bug lights.
Hello, Sonny. Hi, Mom. I
thought you were going to Miami.
Oh, no, I'm still going.
I just came by to drop
off these presents.
Hi, Carol. Hi, Mrs. Hartley.
Sure you wouldn't
like to stay in Chicago?
Well, it has crossed my mind.
I thought it might.
[elevator dings]
[gasps] What's he doing here?
What's she doing here?
Couldn't leave well
enough alone, could you?
I just knew you'd come...
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Bob, your parents will get
together when and if they want to.
You can't let it
ruin your Christmas.
Yeah, you're right.
Where'd you ever
find a turkey for two?
Oh, a new butcher
near the school.
He doesn't raise
pigeons, does he?
I'll have another helping.
Uh, you see, that's the
neat thing about a tiny turkey.
There are never any leftovers.
You want some dessert?
Yeah. I'll have a steak.
[fake laugh]
Hi there. Guess who?
Dad. You win.
We, uh... we didn't
think you'd show up.
I almost didn't.
Hi, Emily. Hi, Dad.
Then I though why should
you two be lonely at Christmas.
Aw. Well, we're really
glad you came over.
Any turkey left? No, and
I polished off the pigeon.
Uh, well I have
a small mince pie.
Mince pie? That's my favorite.
Great. I'll split it three ways.
Split it four ways.
Give me two pieces.
Oh, uh, Dad, thank you.
Thank you for the present.
Well, I figured it was
one of those things
you wouldn't buy for yourself.
I wouldn't even know where to
shop for a stuffed small-mouth bass.
Now wait a minute. This
isn't just any small-mouth bass.
This baby's a near record.
Four pounds more and
it would have been close
to the top 20 small-mouth bass
caught in eastern
Illinois this April.
Hi. Are we too late
for carols and eggnog?
Hi! Come on in!
You didn't happen to bring
along any turkey, did you?
A funny thing
happened to that turkey.
You should have seen the flames.
I never knew stuffing
was flammable.
Boy, could I go for some food.
Well, when you go, would you
bring back a couple hamburgers?
Well, um, I have a mince pie.
I'll split it five ways.
It's good to see you, Larry.
How are things in travel agency?
Oh, fine, Mr. Hartley.
Maybe you and Mrs.
Hartley would be interested
in taking a... a..
Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it, Larry.
Here we go. Pie for everyone.
[knock on door]
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Jerry. Hi, Jerry.
I'll divide it six ways.
Where's your mom?
Oh, she nodded off
in front of the bug light.
Well, suppose I make
some eggnog, Bob?
Fine. I forget how
Martha used to do it.
Do you hard-boil the eggs?
I'll give you an hand.
[Southern accent]
Breaker, breaker!
This is that Chi-town sky guy
winging it in from
Bethlehem, PA.
I tell you. I got my ears on.
I got my ears on, and
I'm ready to wing it.
I tell you, I'm gonna
deck the halls with holly!
[regular voice] Hi, everybody.
All: Hi, Howard.
Oh, I can never
divide this seven ways.
Anybody want to
play with my radio?
I thought that was
little Howie's present.
Well, I decided
to keep it myself.
I gave Howie a toaster oven.
Why?
He can come home after school
and whip himself
up a little roast.
[door buzzer buzzes]
That's it. I'm
sending out for pizza.
Sonny, dear, I know
you're not expecting me,
but I didn't want
you two to be alone.
So I changed my plans and
sacrificed my trip to Florida.
Aren't you going to
invite me to come in?
Yeah. Yeah. Uh,
come on in Thank you.
[gasps] Hello!
You changed your
mind again, huh, Martha?
Can't trust the woman.
What are you doing here?
Did Sonny stock his
bathtub with trout?
Now, now, now, now.
It's Christmas.
Can't leave it alone,
can you, Martha?
Just because I like
to do a little fishing...
I don't call 10 months
a year a little fishing.
Why don't you try it once?
Maybe it might change and
improve your sour disposition.
Oh, now, now, now, now.
Bob, what'd you
get for Christmas?
Uh, Emily got me
some golf shoes.
Oh, neat! Isn't that neat?
Yeah. Neat.
Look, anybody want
some nice eggnog?
No, but I don't mind
if I have some turkey.
Well, I'm not going to let
this wreck my Christmas.
You can leave, Herb.
Me?
I got here first.
I'm not leaving.
Now, now, now, now.
Emily, you can knock
off the "nows" now.
You know, speaking of leaving,
I think it's time Larry
and I hit the road.
Wait a minute, Red,
it's just getting exciting.
Larry!
I couldn't find any turkey,
so I ate that little pie.
All this, uh...
[yawns] All this Christmas
excitement got me really...
[yawns] ...tuckered out.
Let's go get some decent food.
[Southern accent] Okay.
This is the Chi-town sky guy.
I'll catch you on the flip side.
Um, thanks very
much for stopping by,
and, uh... and Merry Christmas.
Uh, I'm sorry this happened,
but I'm sure you understand.
You think they'll make up?
I'm sure they will.
I mean, for ever
man there's a woman.
For ever woman there's a man.
Old buzzard.
Old biddy.
And for every
buzzard there's a biddy.
Mom, you sure you
won't have some?
No, thank you.
Someone just
destroyed my appetite.
Dad? Exactly.
Well, I hope your
satisfied, Martha,
ruining everybody's Christmas.
Oh, Dad!
I don't think you can say
she exactly ruined Christmas.
How dare you speak to me in
that tone of voice, Herb Hartley!
Uh, Mom, I don't
think it was a...
it was a harsh tone of voice.
I think it was kind
of a... a melodic tone.
No, I know what your
mother's talking about.
It had a definite edge to it.
You know, sometimes you
talk to me in that tone of voice.
I do not.
That's the tone of
voice I'm talking about.
Talk about ruining Christmas,
we could have had a tad more
turkey and a touch more pie.
That's the tone of voice.
That's the tone of voice.
Tell me something, Martha.
If you hated my fishing so much,
how come you
waited till we separated
before you let me know about it?
When could I let
you know about it?
You were always off fishing.
It is hard to communicate with
someone who's never there.
Is that a crack about my golf?
If the shoe fits, wear it.
I would, but you
bought the wrong size.
Then take your shoes
and stick 'em in the box
and blow 'em out your ear.
I wouldn't have gone fishing if I
thought you wanted me around.
I wanted you around,
but I didn't want to beg.
I don't play golf that much.
Do you call Saturday
and Sunday "not much?"
What do you do on
weekends? Nothing.
That's because there's never
anybody to do anything with.
Emily, if you're unhappy
with out marriage,
you can certainly do
something about that.
You name it,
Ace, and you got it.
Now, now, now, now, now.
Don't you say anything
you're going to regret.
Well, I've had it with him.
I don't need her.
Now, now, now, now.
Listen to your father, Sonny.
He isn't saying anything.
Well, I'm going to.
Now look, your Mother and I
have been married for 45 years.
46.47.
Over 40 years.
And the thing we've
learned in all that time
is that you gotta sit down
and talk these things out.
That's right.
If you don't talk,
things get awfully quiet,
and you start drifting apart,
and the first thing you know,
your marriage breaks up.
It's taken us a long
time to learn that.
A long time.
Maybe we're still learning, huh?
Yes, maybe we are.
Oh, Martha.
I've been a stubborn old fool.
No, you haven't.
You've been a
stubborn old buzzard.
Look, let's, just for
the sake of argument,
suppose we were
back together again,
and I wasn't going
fishing this weekend.
Is there anything special
that you'd like to do?
I'd like to do whatever
you want to do.
Well, there's a fly casting
demonstration at the...
Next week, they've
got a flower show.
Now you'd like that.
Well... I think we
ought to talk it over.
Why don't we discuss it over
a cup of coffee at my place?
Or, uh, or your place?
How about our place?
That's even better.
What about the children?
No. They don't
want to come with us.
They're fighting.
Don't you think we
ought to do something?
No, they'll be okay.
They'll learn to work it
out just the way we did.
Well, maybe we should...
Now, now, now, now.
[both laugh]
Oh, Bob! You were unbelievable!
You are incredible.
They really bought our fight.
At first I didn't know what
you were doing, you know,
and then when you made that
remark about the shoes not fitting,
I really didn't
know what to think.
Uh, by the way, do you, um...
do you still have the
sales slip for the shoes?
Why?
I don't know. I just
might want to pick out
a different color or something.
[laughs] Merry Christmas, Bob.
Merry Christmas.
Seriously, though, do
you still have the, uh...
the sales slip?
[laughs]
Oh, Bob, you wore
my present. You liked it.
Carol, I love it.
Bob, that's carrying
fake appreciation
a little too far,
don't you think?
That is the ugliest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
I mean the color is hideous.
It looks like it was
designed by a... a madman
You wear that that thing and
people will laugh in your face.
I don't know.
This handkerchief... I
thought it was kinda nice.
[theme music playing]
[meow]
Oh, uh, Carol, would
you file these, please?
Sure. Uh, Bob? Yeah?
Let's talk Christmas gifts.
Fine. Go ahead.
I was referring to those gifts
for your fellow workers
here, on the seventh floor.
Specifically...
Specifically that portion
of the seventh floor
that we like to refer to
as "the reception area."
Carol, could you be
even more specific?
My gift.
Ah.
Now, Bob, sometimes
the gifts the giver gives
are not the greatest
gifts for the givee to get.
Gotcha.
This year, Bob, you might
like to take into consideration
the person's height,
the color of their hair,
and the color of their eyes.
Carol, am I to take it from that
that you weren't happy with
the gift we gave you last year?
I loved my pencil
sharpener, Bob.
But it didn't match my eyes.
Carol, about this
Christmas present nonsense.
Let's kiss it off.
Jerry, every Christmas, we
exchange Christmas presents.
Yeah, but I never know
what to get anybody.
Well, just use your imagination
and give something
you'd like to have.
Fine. In that case, you'll both be
getting a weekend with Farrah Fawcett.
Hi, Bob. Hi, Jerry. Hi, Larry.
Hi, Red. Hi, honey.
They were out of mistletoe,
so I got a geranium.
Works for me.
Do they have to do
this stuff in the office?
Better here than in the streets.
Wait a minute,
Bob, don't run off.
Larry, can't we just...
Just shake hands and...
and wish each other
a Merry Christmas?
Oh, no, no. I wanted
to invite you and Emily,
and you, too, Jerry,
for Christmas dinner.
Carol's gonna make this massive
turkey with all the trimmings.
That's too bad.
I've been practicing.
No, I mean I can't come.
My mother and I are
having dinner together.
Oh.
Yeah, we can't, either.
As you know, my...
my parents split up.
Well, that's no
reason to starve.
No, no, I just have a plan to get
them back together on Christmas Day.
See, I'm gonna invite my
mother to have dinner with us,
then I'm gonna invite my father,
and I'm not gonna tell her
that he's gonna be there.
That sounds like
a good idea, Bob.
Well, holidays have a way of
bringing people closer together.
They generate warmth.
You know, they kind of
remind you of the ties that bind.
Yeah. When did the separate?
Thanksgiving.
Thanks for cooking dinner,
Mom. It was delicious.
Sonny didn't think so.
You hardly touched
your parsnips.
Mom, you've known
me for over 40 years.
I've never touched my parsnips.
That's probably why I don't
have any grandchildren.
Coffee? Thank you.
You know, Mom, since you
cooked dinner for us tonight,
Bob and I would like to
make Christmas dinner for you.
Mm-mm. No, no. I know
what you two are up to.
We're up to inviting
you for Christmas dinner.
No, you'll just
get me over here,
the doorbell will ring,
and guess who
will casually walk in?
Who? Him.
Him who? Herb Hartley.
Oh, him.
Now would... would I
do something like that?
I know your tricks, Sonny.
You're just trying to
get us back together.
It's written all over your face.
My face?
[laughs] Oh, Sonny! Sonny!
You're such a fibber.
Look, Emily. Look at his
face. That's a fibber's face.
[laughs]
You're right.
[Southern accent]
Breaker, breaker.
This is your Chi-town
sky guy. How 'bout it?
How about what, Howard?
I got the hammer down,
and I'm heading toward
the old blue couch,
and I ain't eyeballed
a Smokey yet.
How's it look from over there
where you are over there?
He's finally snapped.
[regular voice] I'm
practicing my CB talk.
Crazy Buffoon?
No, a Citizen's Band. I bought
Howie a CB radio for Christmas.
Uh, this is for when you're on the
road, so the Smokies won't catch you.
There's no doubt about
it. He's finally snapped.
No, no. Smokies are
State Troopers, see.
If you say it in CB talk,
I mean, they won't
understand you.
Howard, why don't you just
talk the way you usually do
and nobody will understand you?
[Southern accent] Well...
keep your shiny side up
and your greasy side down,
and keep in between
the bumps and the jumps.
Howard, what are
you talking about?
[regular voice] Well, I'm just
getting ready to say good-bye.
Then just say good-bye.
Adios. We goin'.
What an odd person.
Well, I think I
better be going, too.
Oh, Mom, are you sure you
won't reconsider Christmas?
No, thank you, dear.
I'm, uh... I'm going to Miami
to spend the holidays
with your Aunt Doris.
Mom, you hate Aunt Doris.
Well, I'll just ignore her.
Oh, Mom, Miami will be nothing
but sunshine and palm trees.
Well, I'll just
try to live with it.
Oh, you and Sonny will have a
wonderful Christmas together,
just like Herb...
and I used to...
Oh. Oh, Mom.
Oh, don't worry about
me. I'll be all right.
It's just that every
once in a while,
I think about him and,
uh, I get a little misty.
I hope you and Sonny never have
to go through anything like that.
I gave that man the
best years of my life.
Wait a minute, Mom. Don't forget he
gave you some pretty good years, too.
But the years I gave him were
better than the years he gave me.
Mom, you seem to
forget. You left him.
Now let's not nitpick, Sonny.
Adios. Me gone.
[knock on door]
Hi, Dad. Oh, hiya, Bob.
I'll be with you
in just a second.
You know, uh, you never change.
Every minute you get,
you're trying a new fly.
Yeah, well, you
gotta be prepared.
You can never tell
when a school of flounder
might float by your window.
So what's, uh... what's new?
You, uh, still separated?
Rumor has it.
Have you considered the
possibility of changing the situation?
Yeah. But I had a couple of
drinks and came to my senses.
Right.
It's a nice place you got here.
It's a hell hole,
and you know it.
Well, it's kinda homey.
If your home's in hell.
Look, Bob, don't patronize me.
I know this place is a dump,
and it's not as clean as, uh...
what's-her-name would keep it.
You know her name.
It sticks in my throat.
Nice moose.
What moose?
That moose.
Oh. Yeah.
Well, it came charging
through the wall one day...
Mom was over at
the house yesterday.
She, uh... She cried over you.
That's the way it goes.
I mean real tears. You
know, not just little sobs.
I'm talking about rain.
Yeah, that's her all right.
Puddles of tears.
That's her all over.
A veritable monsoon.
Look, son, it's not gonna work.
Now look, you're
too old to spank,
and I'm too old to
challenge you to a fight.
So why don't you
get off my back?
Dad, the reason I came
over here was to, uh...
was to talk to you about
having Christmas with us.
You think I'm still
wet behind the ears?
You're gonna invite what's-her-name
to come over, too, aren't you?
Well, I... I did invite Mom,
but she's gonna
visit Aunt Doris.
[laughs] She always
changes her mind.
You know, after you were born,
we were trying to decide
on a name to call you.
She wanted to call you Herb.
Oh. After you?
After Hoover.
And then she wanted to
call you Calvin and Woodrow.
I wanted to call you Lucifer.
Lucifer? What kind
of name is that?
Oh, I think that's
a hell of a name.
Well, anyway, you
see what I'm up against.
That Martha sure
can change her mind.
You remembered her name.
Of course I remembered her name.
Why wouldn't I?
We've had 45
wonderful years together.
47.
Well, the last two
have been iffy.
Dad, have you ever
considered the possibility
that maybe it wasn't
all Mom's fault?
Yeah, I considered it,
and I considered
it to be hogwash.
Now look, Bob, last
year I invited your mother
to go fishing with me,
any place in the world.
But would she go? No.
Doesn't sound very romantic.
I'm not just talking
about daytime fishing.
I'm talking about
nighttime fishing, too.
Just the two of us, alone,
out there in the moonlight.
My God, son, they write
songs about things like that.
Dad, sometimes you
have to swallow your pride,
you know, even though
you know you're not wrong.
I mean, to get things
back on the track,
someone has to
take that first step.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, you're right, Bob.
And I've been waiting for weeks,
but she just won't
take that first step.
Where are you going?
I'm going out to
get a newspaper.
There's more I want to tell you.
Tell it to the moose. He
takes all my messages.
Hey, what are you
doing Christmas?
Bob, do you wanna take care of
these now before you forget 'em?
What are they?
Little gifts for people who
work around the building.
I supply the envelopes.
You supply the cash.
Oh. Yeah. Here's, uh...
There's $5.00.
$5.00?
[laughs]
Surely, you jest.
This is Christmas, Bob.
This is a hold-up, Carol.
Who are these people?
Gene? Janitor.
Oh.
Pops? Night watchman.
Why are all night
watchmen called "Pops?"
I don't know. But that's
a wonderful insight.
Eddie. Mailman.
The real surly guy? Yeah.
Why should we
give him any money?
Don't give it and see.
Carol. Receptionist.
Isn't it funny how all
receptionists are called "Carol?"
Yeah, we used to have
a Carol that worked here.
Right.
Well, I managed to get everything
my mom and I are gonna need
to have a wonderful,
traditional Christmas.
Including this genuine,
traditional Yule log.
I never knew plastic
was traditional.
Gives you a nice, warm
feeling, though, doesn't it?
Yeah, something akin to nausea.
Oh, hi, Jerry.
Here are the gifts, Carol.
What the heck is that?
It's a Yule log.
No, I mean, seriously.
Seriously.
Oh, it's one of those
Japanese bug lights.
It's a Yule log.
Right. I guess you won't
have any bugs on your turkey.
Okay, go ahead and ridicule it.
At least I'm going to have a
lovely Christmas with my mother.
Too bad you can't
say the same thing.
Oh, Jerry. That's a low blow.
I know. It's my specialty.
I'm gonna spend
Christmas with my parents.
Great. Bob, your plan worked.
Well, I'm not positive.
But my mother said no,
which is as good as a yes.
And my dad said never, which
can mean several different things.
[scoffs] Face it, Bob. You're
living in a dream world.
Your dad's never gonna show up.
Your mom's never gonna show up.
Your whole plan stinks.
Best of the season to you, Bob.
Hi! Martha, how are you?
I see you got one
of those bug lights.
Hello, Sonny. Hi, Mom. I
thought you were going to Miami.
Oh, no, I'm still going.
I just came by to drop
off these presents.
Hi, Carol. Hi, Mrs. Hartley.
Sure you wouldn't
like to stay in Chicago?
Well, it has crossed my mind.
I thought it might.
[elevator dings]
[gasps] What's he doing here?
What's she doing here?
Couldn't leave well
enough alone, could you?
I just knew you'd come...
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Bob, your parents will get
together when and if they want to.
You can't let it
ruin your Christmas.
Yeah, you're right.
Where'd you ever
find a turkey for two?
Oh, a new butcher
near the school.
He doesn't raise
pigeons, does he?
I'll have another helping.
Uh, you see, that's the
neat thing about a tiny turkey.
There are never any leftovers.
You want some dessert?
Yeah. I'll have a steak.
[fake laugh]
Hi there. Guess who?
Dad. You win.
We, uh... we didn't
think you'd show up.
I almost didn't.
Hi, Emily. Hi, Dad.
Then I though why should
you two be lonely at Christmas.
Aw. Well, we're really
glad you came over.
Any turkey left? No, and
I polished off the pigeon.
Uh, well I have
a small mince pie.
Mince pie? That's my favorite.
Great. I'll split it three ways.
Split it four ways.
Give me two pieces.
Oh, uh, Dad, thank you.
Thank you for the present.
Well, I figured it was
one of those things
you wouldn't buy for yourself.
I wouldn't even know where to
shop for a stuffed small-mouth bass.
Now wait a minute. This
isn't just any small-mouth bass.
This baby's a near record.
Four pounds more and
it would have been close
to the top 20 small-mouth bass
caught in eastern
Illinois this April.
Hi. Are we too late
for carols and eggnog?
Hi! Come on in!
You didn't happen to bring
along any turkey, did you?
A funny thing
happened to that turkey.
You should have seen the flames.
I never knew stuffing
was flammable.
Boy, could I go for some food.
Well, when you go, would you
bring back a couple hamburgers?
Well, um, I have a mince pie.
I'll split it five ways.
It's good to see you, Larry.
How are things in travel agency?
Oh, fine, Mr. Hartley.
Maybe you and Mrs.
Hartley would be interested
in taking a... a..
Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it, Larry.
Here we go. Pie for everyone.
[knock on door]
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Jerry. Hi, Jerry.
I'll divide it six ways.
Where's your mom?
Oh, she nodded off
in front of the bug light.
Well, suppose I make
some eggnog, Bob?
Fine. I forget how
Martha used to do it.
Do you hard-boil the eggs?
I'll give you an hand.
[Southern accent]
Breaker, breaker!
This is that Chi-town sky guy
winging it in from
Bethlehem, PA.
I tell you. I got my ears on.
I got my ears on, and
I'm ready to wing it.
I tell you, I'm gonna
deck the halls with holly!
[regular voice] Hi, everybody.
All: Hi, Howard.
Oh, I can never
divide this seven ways.
Anybody want to
play with my radio?
I thought that was
little Howie's present.
Well, I decided
to keep it myself.
I gave Howie a toaster oven.
Why?
He can come home after school
and whip himself
up a little roast.
[door buzzer buzzes]
That's it. I'm
sending out for pizza.
Sonny, dear, I know
you're not expecting me,
but I didn't want
you two to be alone.
So I changed my plans and
sacrificed my trip to Florida.
Aren't you going to
invite me to come in?
Yeah. Yeah. Uh,
come on in Thank you.
[gasps] Hello!
You changed your
mind again, huh, Martha?
Can't trust the woman.
What are you doing here?
Did Sonny stock his
bathtub with trout?
Now, now, now, now.
It's Christmas.
Can't leave it alone,
can you, Martha?
Just because I like
to do a little fishing...
I don't call 10 months
a year a little fishing.
Why don't you try it once?
Maybe it might change and
improve your sour disposition.
Oh, now, now, now, now.
Bob, what'd you
get for Christmas?
Uh, Emily got me
some golf shoes.
Oh, neat! Isn't that neat?
Yeah. Neat.
Look, anybody want
some nice eggnog?
No, but I don't mind
if I have some turkey.
Well, I'm not going to let
this wreck my Christmas.
You can leave, Herb.
Me?
I got here first.
I'm not leaving.
Now, now, now, now.
Emily, you can knock
off the "nows" now.
You know, speaking of leaving,
I think it's time Larry
and I hit the road.
Wait a minute, Red,
it's just getting exciting.
Larry!
I couldn't find any turkey,
so I ate that little pie.
All this, uh...
[yawns] All this Christmas
excitement got me really...
[yawns] ...tuckered out.
Let's go get some decent food.
[Southern accent] Okay.
This is the Chi-town sky guy.
I'll catch you on the flip side.
Um, thanks very
much for stopping by,
and, uh... and Merry Christmas.
Uh, I'm sorry this happened,
but I'm sure you understand.
You think they'll make up?
I'm sure they will.
I mean, for ever
man there's a woman.
For ever woman there's a man.
Old buzzard.
Old biddy.
And for every
buzzard there's a biddy.
Mom, you sure you
won't have some?
No, thank you.
Someone just
destroyed my appetite.
Dad? Exactly.
Well, I hope your
satisfied, Martha,
ruining everybody's Christmas.
Oh, Dad!
I don't think you can say
she exactly ruined Christmas.
How dare you speak to me in
that tone of voice, Herb Hartley!
Uh, Mom, I don't
think it was a...
it was a harsh tone of voice.
I think it was kind
of a... a melodic tone.
No, I know what your
mother's talking about.
It had a definite edge to it.
You know, sometimes you
talk to me in that tone of voice.
I do not.
That's the tone of
voice I'm talking about.
Talk about ruining Christmas,
we could have had a tad more
turkey and a touch more pie.
That's the tone of voice.
That's the tone of voice.
Tell me something, Martha.
If you hated my fishing so much,
how come you
waited till we separated
before you let me know about it?
When could I let
you know about it?
You were always off fishing.
It is hard to communicate with
someone who's never there.
Is that a crack about my golf?
If the shoe fits, wear it.
I would, but you
bought the wrong size.
Then take your shoes
and stick 'em in the box
and blow 'em out your ear.
I wouldn't have gone fishing if I
thought you wanted me around.
I wanted you around,
but I didn't want to beg.
I don't play golf that much.
Do you call Saturday
and Sunday "not much?"
What do you do on
weekends? Nothing.
That's because there's never
anybody to do anything with.
Emily, if you're unhappy
with out marriage,
you can certainly do
something about that.
You name it,
Ace, and you got it.
Now, now, now, now, now.
Don't you say anything
you're going to regret.
Well, I've had it with him.
I don't need her.
Now, now, now, now.
Listen to your father, Sonny.
He isn't saying anything.
Well, I'm going to.
Now look, your Mother and I
have been married for 45 years.
46.47.
Over 40 years.
And the thing we've
learned in all that time
is that you gotta sit down
and talk these things out.
That's right.
If you don't talk,
things get awfully quiet,
and you start drifting apart,
and the first thing you know,
your marriage breaks up.
It's taken us a long
time to learn that.
A long time.
Maybe we're still learning, huh?
Yes, maybe we are.
Oh, Martha.
I've been a stubborn old fool.
No, you haven't.
You've been a
stubborn old buzzard.
Look, let's, just for
the sake of argument,
suppose we were
back together again,
and I wasn't going
fishing this weekend.
Is there anything special
that you'd like to do?
I'd like to do whatever
you want to do.
Well, there's a fly casting
demonstration at the...
Next week, they've
got a flower show.
Now you'd like that.
Well... I think we
ought to talk it over.
Why don't we discuss it over
a cup of coffee at my place?
Or, uh, or your place?
How about our place?
That's even better.
What about the children?
No. They don't
want to come with us.
They're fighting.
Don't you think we
ought to do something?
No, they'll be okay.
They'll learn to work it
out just the way we did.
Well, maybe we should...
Now, now, now, now.
[both laugh]
Oh, Bob! You were unbelievable!
You are incredible.
They really bought our fight.
At first I didn't know what
you were doing, you know,
and then when you made that
remark about the shoes not fitting,
I really didn't
know what to think.
Uh, by the way, do you, um...
do you still have the
sales slip for the shoes?
Why?
I don't know. I just
might want to pick out
a different color or something.
[laughs] Merry Christmas, Bob.
Merry Christmas.
Seriously, though, do
you still have the, uh...
the sales slip?
[laughs]
Oh, Bob, you wore
my present. You liked it.
Carol, I love it.
Bob, that's carrying
fake appreciation
a little too far,
don't you think?
That is the ugliest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
I mean the color is hideous.
It looks like it was
designed by a... a madman
You wear that that thing and
people will laugh in your face.
I don't know.
This handkerchief... I
thought it was kinda nice.
[theme music playing]
[meow]