The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 14 - Love Is the Blindest - full transcript
Mr. Carlin thinks his secretary likes him so Bob suggests he take her on a date.
[theme music playing]
A lovely red flower
for a lovely redhead.
Sorry, Jer, I don't
have any spare cash.
Come on, Carol, I'm just trying
to be friendly, warm, charming.
Oh! Why change your
whole personality now?
Change? What change?
Well, for a start, why are
you wearing joke clothes?
These happen to
be my sailing togs.
You see, Carol, I applied for
membership to the Windjammer Club.
I put Bob down as a reference,
so I'd appreciate
it if you'd put them
right through to
Bob when they call.
Yes, I will.
Good. Then you
won't be needing this.
You see, I've only
got the one flower,
and there's somebody else on
the third floor I have to butter up.
On the other hand, sometimes I
forget to put calls through to Bob.
Right.
Hey, Bob! Great to see you!
I really missed you, Bob.
Sorry, Jerry, I don't
have any spare cash.
Mr. Carlin's waiting
in your office, Bob.
You know, Bob, of all the guys
in the world that I love to see,
I love to see you the most.
Thank you.
By the way, Bob,
I love your tie.
Thank... thanks again.
I, uh... I kinda like your hat.
- I love your shoes.
- Good blazer.
Terrific haircut.
You win, Jerry.
I love your socks!
I'm, uh, sorry I'm
late, Mr. Carlin.
Let me see your socks.
They're just ordinary socks.
I'll show you mine if
you show me yours.
Why don't we get
started with the session.
Sure. I got a real thorny
problem for you today.
There's this new girl in my
office, and she won't let me alone.
Every time my phone
rings, she answers it.
She keeps wandering
in and out of my office,
and yesterday I found
her going through my files.
Who... who is she? My secretary.
She's got her nerve.
You're not kidding.
And I, uh... I
think she likes me.
Well, that's wonderful.
You don't think she could
really like me, do you?
Well, Mr. Carlin, there...
there are many things
about you that are likeable.
Like what?
You see what I mean?
You're my only friend.
What am I gonna do?
Well, uh, she likes
you, and you like her,
I think the answer is obvious.
Right. Can her.
You know, there's an old saying.
"Nothing ventured,
nothing gained."
I'm paying $40 an hour for advice
I can get on a cocktail napkin?
What I'm trying to say is why
don't you ask her out for a date.
Well, where could we go?
Take her to a movie.
Which one?
I don't know. Pick one.
How about "The Omen?" Fine.
No, I saw it already.
Well, then, uh, take
her out to dinner.
And be alone with her?
What is she tries to
put a move on me?
Then have... have
dinner with friends.
I told you you're
my only friend.
I got an idea.
Uh, why don't you, uh,
take her to a concert?
You backed yourself into a corner
this time, didn't you, Dr. Hartley.
Bowling's nice.
Why don't you take her bowling?
Would Saturday night be okay?
Take her to a concert
and then go bowling.
That's the best idea yet.
Is 7:30 okay?
7-7:30 is fine.
I love your socks.
Emily, I'm sorry I
got you into this.
Sorry? I love helping
romance bloom,
even if it's Mr. Carlin.
It's exciting.
You know, I think
that's the first time
I've ever heard "Mr. Carlin" and
"exciting" in the same sentence.
You know, if I can get
Mr. Carlin together with this girl,
it'll be the pinnacle of
my matchmaking career.
No matter who the guy is?
It doesn't matter
who the guy is.
It's how you play the game.
Emily, I thought you
retired from the game
when you got Carol married off.
The really great
ones never retire.
What is this obsession?
Why do you do it?
I don't know. I
just can't help it.
I mean, call me
sentimental, call me romantic,
call me a lover of love.
How about calling you retired?
Oh, hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
Do you know anything
about International Law?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I'm a little fuzzy
on East Pakistan.
Why, Howard?
Well, I think I married a
native girl in the island of Bali.
Howard...
what makes you
think you got married?
Well, in the morning,
her brother brought over
a sheep, an ox, and
the key to the sacred hut.
It sounds to me, Howard,
like you're just engaged.
I don't know. An
ox is pretty serious.
Oh, an ox.
Oh, you're married, Howard.
No doubt about it.
You think the state of Illinois
will recognize our marriage?
Sure. You'll be the
couple with the ox.
Well, I guess I won't know if I'm
married for sure until she contacts me.
You think she will?
She has to. I got
the key to the hut.
Hiya, Borden. Hi.
What's new? Oh, nothing.
Bob, Emily, here's my latest.
Hi. I'm Andrea Duff.
Hello, Andrea.
I'm Emily Hartley, and
this is my husband Bob.
Hello. Elliot's spoken
so highly of you.
Well, I... I speak
highly of him.
Won't you sit down?
Ooh, aren't they
an attractive couple?
Striking.
Uh, Andrea, the
colors in your dress
really enhance your eyes.
They're brown, aren't they?
Yes.
So are Elliot's.
You know, when two
brown-eyed people marry,
they usually have
brown-eyed children.
Subtle.
Elliot says you're
his oldest friend.
Yeah. We, uh... we
go back a long way.
I'd say so.
All the way back to the Green
Bay Packers training camp.
I told her about the time
we both tried out for the team
and, uh, how upset I was
when you didn't make the cut.
You didn't play for the
Green Bay Packers.
No, he didn't. He got cut.
Uh, would anybody
like an hors d'oeuvre?
Yes, please.
Did you know Elliot
invented hors d'oeuvres?
What?
I didn't invent all
hors d'oeuvres.
[laughs] I just invented
the stuffed mushroom.
I'm sorry. We don't have any
stuffed mushrooms tonight.
That's okay. I don't get
the royalties anymore.
Uh, you and Elliot,
uh, work together?
Yes. I think the
luckiest day in my life
was when the employment
agency sent me over to Elliot's office.
Well, perhaps it was destiny.
Perhaps it was.
I like to think that there's
some kind of grand design,
some reason for everything.
Well, if there had been,
I would never had
been cut by the Packers.
Hey, don't be so bitter, Bob.
You're doing great as
an insurance salesman.
An insurance salesman?
Uh, excuse me, but I seem
to be a little confused here.
Well then, Emily, you
should talk to Elliot.
He's very into psychology,
and he helps people
with their problems.
Some guys get $40 a session
for what I can do on my lunch hour.
Uh, excuse me.
I... I think I better
see to dinner.
Oh, may I help?
Oh, you can make the gravy.
Oh. Elliot invented gravy.
How'm I doing?
What are you doing?
I was trying to make some
points. She's a very nice girl.
Look, I am not gonna be
a party to this fabric of lies.
Just play along, will you?
There'll be a few
bucks in it for you.
Bob, dinner will be
ready in a minute.
Could you pour the wine?
Why don't we have,
uh, Elliot, pour it?
I'm sure he
invented wine, right?
That's right. One day I just
happened to step on some grapes,
and the rest is history.
Bob!
You're tearing the pages.
It's my magazine. I
can tear it if I want to.
You know how angry I am?
I wanted to read that article.
Oh, are you angry?
Yes, and you should be, too.
Well, I must admit, I was
a little bit flabbergasted,
but I can understand why
Mr. Carlin is acting that way.
Emily, there is
no excuse for it.
If he were Pinocchio,
his nose would have
punctured our apartment wall.
Yeah. You know, they
make a cute couple.
Emily, you think a cobra and a
mongoose make a cute couple.
Only if they're compatible, Bob.
I have my standards.
Green Bay Packers!
If I ever played
professional ball,
I'd play for the Chicago Bears.
I mean I owe it to
the hometown folks.
Honey, everyone tells little
white lies when you're courting.
Only there is a difference between
little white lies and science fiction.
All right. I admit he bent the truth
a little, but what's the big deal?
I mean, I did the same thing when
we were going around together.
You... you lied to me?
Well, for one thing,
I had gone bowling before.
Well, I should have guess that
when you showed up
with your own shoes.
You disappointed in me?
No, you were a
lousy bowler anyway.
If I hadn't slipped in the tenth
frame, I would have beaten you.
Well, I'm glad to
get it off my chest.
Well, I never lied to you,
even when we were dating.
Really? Really.
Maybe once.
When?
Emily...
remember that first time you
met the guys in my poker club?
Well, of course I
remember. I was a hostess.
I had to shovel out your
apartment before they came.
And remember I said
that they all loved you?
Yeah. Science fiction, Emily.
Well, they all
kissed me good-bye.
Yeah, but the minute you left,
they voted on whether I should
continue seeing you or not.
How did the vote turn out?
Remember in 1964
when Lyndon Johnson
ran against Goldwater?
Yeah. Why?
Think of yourself as Goldwater.
Hiya, Captain. Where's Tennille?
Hey!
Carlin, you know, there's
something I've been meaning
to tell you for a long time,
something that I should
have said to you years ago!
In the first place...
uh, you know anybody on the
board of the Windjammer Club?
Sure. I know the president.
Love your tie, Elliot.
I love you.
You! Come in here!
I love him, too.
What's the matter
with you? Sit down.
Hey, lighten up,
will you? I'm in love.
When did you find the
time? Between inventions?
What are you getting
so steamed about?
Maybe it is a lot of hooey,
but nobody got hurt, it worked,
and Andrea loves me.
She doesn't love you,
she loves a figment
of your imagination.
That's good enough for me.
How... how long
do you think you can
keep telling these pack of
lies and getting away with it?
Oh, five years, maybe six.
Why are you hiding
the real Elliot Carlin?
This is the real Elliot Carlin.
You never played
for the Packers.
Well, with a little bit of luck,
I could have invented gravy.
Give her a chance
to see the real you.
She'll love you just as much.
As much as a Grand-Prix driving,
skydiving professional gambler?
I think you should
tell her the truth.
Get the weeds of
deceit out of the garden
and... and then... real
love can-can bloom.
Where do you read this stuff?
Uh, Mr. Carlin,
tell her the truth.
Tell her everything.
I'm not telling
her I wear a toup.
Pretty hard to keep
that secret, isn't it?
Are you saying
it's an obvious rug?
I'm just saying you're
better off telling her than...
than risking it flying off
while you're stomping grapes.
Howard, what's wrong?
I got a, uh...
"Dear Howard"
letter. She left me.
Who?
My wife Nanook.
Well, hail and farewell.
I guess it's true what they
say about mixed marriages.
God knows I tried
to make it work.
What happened?
She left me for
the tribal chief.
Que sera, sera.
No, I think his name was Norman.
Well, I guess it's
all for the best.
No, it's for the worst.
Her brother put a curse on me
because I lost the
key to the sacred hut.
I'm gonna keep losing weight.
You think he could
put that curse on Bob?
Maybe we could split a curse.
Don't laugh.
He said I'd probably
disappear by Christmas.
Oh, God, I love that woman!
[door closes]
Poor, Howard. Jilted again.
Well, Emily, look
at the bright side.
At least we won't have
an ox fouling our halls.
[telephone rings]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin.
Did you talk to Andrea?
What do you mean "pfft?"
K-kaput. Finito. Crying time.
The party's over.
Out in the cold again, huh?
Bombed out.
Adios, Jose.
I... I...
I think I get the
picture, Mr. Carlin.
Yeah, why don't you come in first thing
in the morning and we'll talk about it.
And in the meantime,
just remember:
"It's better to have loved
and lost than never..."
Hel... hello?
What happened?
Andrea told Mr. Carlin
"Adios, Jose."
But they were
getting along so well.
What messed things up?
Well, I... I guess I did.
I told him to tell
Andrea the truth.
It's amazing. That's
the first time in 13 years
he's ever listened
to anything I said.
Bob, I just weighed
myself. I lost a half a pound.
You better find the
key to that hut, Howard.
I looked everywhere.
I gotta find a hutsmith.
I'm shrinking away to nothing.
Adios, Jose.
Sorry, Skipper, there
haven't been any calls.
There's not gonna
be any calls, Carol.
Read this.
It's from the Windjammer Club.
"Dear he, she, or it."
Fancy salutation, huh?
"You're a member.
Send $6,000 and we'll mail
you your button. Congratulations."
6,000 bucks and
they send you a button.
Maybe it's a really nice button.
Read the P.S.
"P.S. Clip the
coupon and save $500
by getting four
friends to join."
It's a Boat of the
Month Club, Carol,
and I fell for it!
[laughs]
Hey, uh, Carol, have
you and, uh, Larry
ever thought about
joining a yacht club?
Ah, Jer.
There are two things
Larry and I try never to do:
Go to bed with our shoes on
and spend $6,000 on a button.
Um, is... is Dr. Hartley in?
Yes. Who shall I say it is?
Andrea Duff.
I'm a friend of...
I was a friend of Elliot Carlin.
I loved him.
But that's all over now.
You poor kid.
Yeah.
Bob, could you come
out here, please? Quick.
Oh, hi. How... how's it going?
Elliot lied to me.
Yeah, I... I know.
So if you knew the truth,
why didn't you tell me?
Well, I thought it'd
be better, you know,
if you heard it from him.
[weeps]
[clears throat]
And... and I was right.
Uh, why don't you
go on into my office.
Carol, would you bring us some
coffee and, uh, some Kleenex?
[crying] In a
minute. In a minute!
Well, Dr. Hartley, he
told me everything.
Well, he was, uh...
He was just being
honest with you.
I'm kinda surprised
you broke it off.
But I didn't break it off.
You... you didn't?
No.
Of course I was upset
that he lied to me.
Of course you
were, you poor thing.
Carol?
Sorry.
Out!
[crying] Ah.
You... you mean you...
You... You mean
that... that he left you?
Yeah.
I didn't even get a chance
to tell him it didn't matter.
He had to hop a plane and fly
back to his ranch in Tasmania.
That's so like Elliot, isn't it?
Well, if you're... If
you're gonna buy a ranch,
the only place is Tasmania.
Excuse me, Bob. Not now, Carol.
There's someone to see
you, Bob, if you get my drift.
I don't wanna see anyone now!
What are you talking about?
I got an appointment with you.
You came back.
Yeah, Tasmania's a
drag this time of year.
Oh, Elliot, I don't care
what you told me last night.
I still love you.
You do? I'll always love you.
[crying] Oh, this
is just wonderful!
I don't care that
you're married.
I don't care that you k-k-killed
a man in Rio or that you...
or that you're on the lamb.
Can we back this up a minute?
I though you were
gonna tell her the truth.
He did.
He even told me
about the three kids.
Why only three?
Vasectomy.
You haven't told her the truth.
You just told her a
new bunch of lies.
Yeah, sort of.
You mean, none...
none of that's true?
None of it.
Then why on earth did you
put me through that living hell?
He did it because he loves you!
I was afraid if you knew
the real, drab Elliot Carlin,
you'd be disappointed.
I told you I was on the
lamb and that I was married
so when you drop me it
wouldn't be the real me,
it'd be a fake Elliot Carlin.
Then I wouldn't
get... hurt so bad.
Oh, Elliot.
Let's start over.
Okay?
Okay.
I think it's
apparent that, uh...
honest is the best
policy after all.
Or to put in another way...
Oh, the hell with it.
You're so right, Bob.
Honesty is the best policy.
You put it so well, too, Bob.
Hi, Emily.
Do you have an aspirin?
This curse is killing me.
Well, I've got some,
but they're not good for curses.
No, I'm desperate.
I'm shrinking. Look.
I'll get some.
How's your curse, Howard?
It's worse than hot weather.
Oh, it's supposed
to rain tomorrow.
I hope so. I danced
my heart out.
Take these, Howard. I
think they'll do the trick.
Well, they better.
Uh, Howard,
that's... That's my hat.
Your hat?
Your hat? You mean
I'm not shrinking?
Oh! The sacrificial
lamb chops worked!
You know, I don't
believe him sometimes.
[laughs]
Shrinking?
It still fits.
[theme music playing]
[meow]
A lovely red flower
for a lovely redhead.
Sorry, Jer, I don't
have any spare cash.
Come on, Carol, I'm just trying
to be friendly, warm, charming.
Oh! Why change your
whole personality now?
Change? What change?
Well, for a start, why are
you wearing joke clothes?
These happen to
be my sailing togs.
You see, Carol, I applied for
membership to the Windjammer Club.
I put Bob down as a reference,
so I'd appreciate
it if you'd put them
right through to
Bob when they call.
Yes, I will.
Good. Then you
won't be needing this.
You see, I've only
got the one flower,
and there's somebody else on
the third floor I have to butter up.
On the other hand, sometimes I
forget to put calls through to Bob.
Right.
Hey, Bob! Great to see you!
I really missed you, Bob.
Sorry, Jerry, I don't
have any spare cash.
Mr. Carlin's waiting
in your office, Bob.
You know, Bob, of all the guys
in the world that I love to see,
I love to see you the most.
Thank you.
By the way, Bob,
I love your tie.
Thank... thanks again.
I, uh... I kinda like your hat.
- I love your shoes.
- Good blazer.
Terrific haircut.
You win, Jerry.
I love your socks!
I'm, uh, sorry I'm
late, Mr. Carlin.
Let me see your socks.
They're just ordinary socks.
I'll show you mine if
you show me yours.
Why don't we get
started with the session.
Sure. I got a real thorny
problem for you today.
There's this new girl in my
office, and she won't let me alone.
Every time my phone
rings, she answers it.
She keeps wandering
in and out of my office,
and yesterday I found
her going through my files.
Who... who is she? My secretary.
She's got her nerve.
You're not kidding.
And I, uh... I
think she likes me.
Well, that's wonderful.
You don't think she could
really like me, do you?
Well, Mr. Carlin, there...
there are many things
about you that are likeable.
Like what?
You see what I mean?
You're my only friend.
What am I gonna do?
Well, uh, she likes
you, and you like her,
I think the answer is obvious.
Right. Can her.
You know, there's an old saying.
"Nothing ventured,
nothing gained."
I'm paying $40 an hour for advice
I can get on a cocktail napkin?
What I'm trying to say is why
don't you ask her out for a date.
Well, where could we go?
Take her to a movie.
Which one?
I don't know. Pick one.
How about "The Omen?" Fine.
No, I saw it already.
Well, then, uh, take
her out to dinner.
And be alone with her?
What is she tries to
put a move on me?
Then have... have
dinner with friends.
I told you you're
my only friend.
I got an idea.
Uh, why don't you, uh,
take her to a concert?
You backed yourself into a corner
this time, didn't you, Dr. Hartley.
Bowling's nice.
Why don't you take her bowling?
Would Saturday night be okay?
Take her to a concert
and then go bowling.
That's the best idea yet.
Is 7:30 okay?
7-7:30 is fine.
I love your socks.
Emily, I'm sorry I
got you into this.
Sorry? I love helping
romance bloom,
even if it's Mr. Carlin.
It's exciting.
You know, I think
that's the first time
I've ever heard "Mr. Carlin" and
"exciting" in the same sentence.
You know, if I can get
Mr. Carlin together with this girl,
it'll be the pinnacle of
my matchmaking career.
No matter who the guy is?
It doesn't matter
who the guy is.
It's how you play the game.
Emily, I thought you
retired from the game
when you got Carol married off.
The really great
ones never retire.
What is this obsession?
Why do you do it?
I don't know. I
just can't help it.
I mean, call me
sentimental, call me romantic,
call me a lover of love.
How about calling you retired?
Oh, hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
Do you know anything
about International Law?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I'm a little fuzzy
on East Pakistan.
Why, Howard?
Well, I think I married a
native girl in the island of Bali.
Howard...
what makes you
think you got married?
Well, in the morning,
her brother brought over
a sheep, an ox, and
the key to the sacred hut.
It sounds to me, Howard,
like you're just engaged.
I don't know. An
ox is pretty serious.
Oh, an ox.
Oh, you're married, Howard.
No doubt about it.
You think the state of Illinois
will recognize our marriage?
Sure. You'll be the
couple with the ox.
Well, I guess I won't know if I'm
married for sure until she contacts me.
You think she will?
She has to. I got
the key to the hut.
Hiya, Borden. Hi.
What's new? Oh, nothing.
Bob, Emily, here's my latest.
Hi. I'm Andrea Duff.
Hello, Andrea.
I'm Emily Hartley, and
this is my husband Bob.
Hello. Elliot's spoken
so highly of you.
Well, I... I speak
highly of him.
Won't you sit down?
Ooh, aren't they
an attractive couple?
Striking.
Uh, Andrea, the
colors in your dress
really enhance your eyes.
They're brown, aren't they?
Yes.
So are Elliot's.
You know, when two
brown-eyed people marry,
they usually have
brown-eyed children.
Subtle.
Elliot says you're
his oldest friend.
Yeah. We, uh... we
go back a long way.
I'd say so.
All the way back to the Green
Bay Packers training camp.
I told her about the time
we both tried out for the team
and, uh, how upset I was
when you didn't make the cut.
You didn't play for the
Green Bay Packers.
No, he didn't. He got cut.
Uh, would anybody
like an hors d'oeuvre?
Yes, please.
Did you know Elliot
invented hors d'oeuvres?
What?
I didn't invent all
hors d'oeuvres.
[laughs] I just invented
the stuffed mushroom.
I'm sorry. We don't have any
stuffed mushrooms tonight.
That's okay. I don't get
the royalties anymore.
Uh, you and Elliot,
uh, work together?
Yes. I think the
luckiest day in my life
was when the employment
agency sent me over to Elliot's office.
Well, perhaps it was destiny.
Perhaps it was.
I like to think that there's
some kind of grand design,
some reason for everything.
Well, if there had been,
I would never had
been cut by the Packers.
Hey, don't be so bitter, Bob.
You're doing great as
an insurance salesman.
An insurance salesman?
Uh, excuse me, but I seem
to be a little confused here.
Well then, Emily, you
should talk to Elliot.
He's very into psychology,
and he helps people
with their problems.
Some guys get $40 a session
for what I can do on my lunch hour.
Uh, excuse me.
I... I think I better
see to dinner.
Oh, may I help?
Oh, you can make the gravy.
Oh. Elliot invented gravy.
How'm I doing?
What are you doing?
I was trying to make some
points. She's a very nice girl.
Look, I am not gonna be
a party to this fabric of lies.
Just play along, will you?
There'll be a few
bucks in it for you.
Bob, dinner will be
ready in a minute.
Could you pour the wine?
Why don't we have,
uh, Elliot, pour it?
I'm sure he
invented wine, right?
That's right. One day I just
happened to step on some grapes,
and the rest is history.
Bob!
You're tearing the pages.
It's my magazine. I
can tear it if I want to.
You know how angry I am?
I wanted to read that article.
Oh, are you angry?
Yes, and you should be, too.
Well, I must admit, I was
a little bit flabbergasted,
but I can understand why
Mr. Carlin is acting that way.
Emily, there is
no excuse for it.
If he were Pinocchio,
his nose would have
punctured our apartment wall.
Yeah. You know, they
make a cute couple.
Emily, you think a cobra and a
mongoose make a cute couple.
Only if they're compatible, Bob.
I have my standards.
Green Bay Packers!
If I ever played
professional ball,
I'd play for the Chicago Bears.
I mean I owe it to
the hometown folks.
Honey, everyone tells little
white lies when you're courting.
Only there is a difference between
little white lies and science fiction.
All right. I admit he bent the truth
a little, but what's the big deal?
I mean, I did the same thing when
we were going around together.
You... you lied to me?
Well, for one thing,
I had gone bowling before.
Well, I should have guess that
when you showed up
with your own shoes.
You disappointed in me?
No, you were a
lousy bowler anyway.
If I hadn't slipped in the tenth
frame, I would have beaten you.
Well, I'm glad to
get it off my chest.
Well, I never lied to you,
even when we were dating.
Really? Really.
Maybe once.
When?
Emily...
remember that first time you
met the guys in my poker club?
Well, of course I
remember. I was a hostess.
I had to shovel out your
apartment before they came.
And remember I said
that they all loved you?
Yeah. Science fiction, Emily.
Well, they all
kissed me good-bye.
Yeah, but the minute you left,
they voted on whether I should
continue seeing you or not.
How did the vote turn out?
Remember in 1964
when Lyndon Johnson
ran against Goldwater?
Yeah. Why?
Think of yourself as Goldwater.
Hiya, Captain. Where's Tennille?
Hey!
Carlin, you know, there's
something I've been meaning
to tell you for a long time,
something that I should
have said to you years ago!
In the first place...
uh, you know anybody on the
board of the Windjammer Club?
Sure. I know the president.
Love your tie, Elliot.
I love you.
You! Come in here!
I love him, too.
What's the matter
with you? Sit down.
Hey, lighten up,
will you? I'm in love.
When did you find the
time? Between inventions?
What are you getting
so steamed about?
Maybe it is a lot of hooey,
but nobody got hurt, it worked,
and Andrea loves me.
She doesn't love you,
she loves a figment
of your imagination.
That's good enough for me.
How... how long
do you think you can
keep telling these pack of
lies and getting away with it?
Oh, five years, maybe six.
Why are you hiding
the real Elliot Carlin?
This is the real Elliot Carlin.
You never played
for the Packers.
Well, with a little bit of luck,
I could have invented gravy.
Give her a chance
to see the real you.
She'll love you just as much.
As much as a Grand-Prix driving,
skydiving professional gambler?
I think you should
tell her the truth.
Get the weeds of
deceit out of the garden
and... and then... real
love can-can bloom.
Where do you read this stuff?
Uh, Mr. Carlin,
tell her the truth.
Tell her everything.
I'm not telling
her I wear a toup.
Pretty hard to keep
that secret, isn't it?
Are you saying
it's an obvious rug?
I'm just saying you're
better off telling her than...
than risking it flying off
while you're stomping grapes.
Howard, what's wrong?
I got a, uh...
"Dear Howard"
letter. She left me.
Who?
My wife Nanook.
Well, hail and farewell.
I guess it's true what they
say about mixed marriages.
God knows I tried
to make it work.
What happened?
She left me for
the tribal chief.
Que sera, sera.
No, I think his name was Norman.
Well, I guess it's
all for the best.
No, it's for the worst.
Her brother put a curse on me
because I lost the
key to the sacred hut.
I'm gonna keep losing weight.
You think he could
put that curse on Bob?
Maybe we could split a curse.
Don't laugh.
He said I'd probably
disappear by Christmas.
Oh, God, I love that woman!
[door closes]
Poor, Howard. Jilted again.
Well, Emily, look
at the bright side.
At least we won't have
an ox fouling our halls.
[telephone rings]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin.
Did you talk to Andrea?
What do you mean "pfft?"
K-kaput. Finito. Crying time.
The party's over.
Out in the cold again, huh?
Bombed out.
Adios, Jose.
I... I...
I think I get the
picture, Mr. Carlin.
Yeah, why don't you come in first thing
in the morning and we'll talk about it.
And in the meantime,
just remember:
"It's better to have loved
and lost than never..."
Hel... hello?
What happened?
Andrea told Mr. Carlin
"Adios, Jose."
But they were
getting along so well.
What messed things up?
Well, I... I guess I did.
I told him to tell
Andrea the truth.
It's amazing. That's
the first time in 13 years
he's ever listened
to anything I said.
Bob, I just weighed
myself. I lost a half a pound.
You better find the
key to that hut, Howard.
I looked everywhere.
I gotta find a hutsmith.
I'm shrinking away to nothing.
Adios, Jose.
Sorry, Skipper, there
haven't been any calls.
There's not gonna
be any calls, Carol.
Read this.
It's from the Windjammer Club.
"Dear he, she, or it."
Fancy salutation, huh?
"You're a member.
Send $6,000 and we'll mail
you your button. Congratulations."
6,000 bucks and
they send you a button.
Maybe it's a really nice button.
Read the P.S.
"P.S. Clip the
coupon and save $500
by getting four
friends to join."
It's a Boat of the
Month Club, Carol,
and I fell for it!
[laughs]
Hey, uh, Carol, have
you and, uh, Larry
ever thought about
joining a yacht club?
Ah, Jer.
There are two things
Larry and I try never to do:
Go to bed with our shoes on
and spend $6,000 on a button.
Um, is... is Dr. Hartley in?
Yes. Who shall I say it is?
Andrea Duff.
I'm a friend of...
I was a friend of Elliot Carlin.
I loved him.
But that's all over now.
You poor kid.
Yeah.
Bob, could you come
out here, please? Quick.
Oh, hi. How... how's it going?
Elliot lied to me.
Yeah, I... I know.
So if you knew the truth,
why didn't you tell me?
Well, I thought it'd
be better, you know,
if you heard it from him.
[weeps]
[clears throat]
And... and I was right.
Uh, why don't you
go on into my office.
Carol, would you bring us some
coffee and, uh, some Kleenex?
[crying] In a
minute. In a minute!
Well, Dr. Hartley, he
told me everything.
Well, he was, uh...
He was just being
honest with you.
I'm kinda surprised
you broke it off.
But I didn't break it off.
You... you didn't?
No.
Of course I was upset
that he lied to me.
Of course you
were, you poor thing.
Carol?
Sorry.
Out!
[crying] Ah.
You... you mean you...
You... You mean
that... that he left you?
Yeah.
I didn't even get a chance
to tell him it didn't matter.
He had to hop a plane and fly
back to his ranch in Tasmania.
That's so like Elliot, isn't it?
Well, if you're... If
you're gonna buy a ranch,
the only place is Tasmania.
Excuse me, Bob. Not now, Carol.
There's someone to see
you, Bob, if you get my drift.
I don't wanna see anyone now!
What are you talking about?
I got an appointment with you.
You came back.
Yeah, Tasmania's a
drag this time of year.
Oh, Elliot, I don't care
what you told me last night.
I still love you.
You do? I'll always love you.
[crying] Oh, this
is just wonderful!
I don't care that
you're married.
I don't care that you k-k-killed
a man in Rio or that you...
or that you're on the lamb.
Can we back this up a minute?
I though you were
gonna tell her the truth.
He did.
He even told me
about the three kids.
Why only three?
Vasectomy.
You haven't told her the truth.
You just told her a
new bunch of lies.
Yeah, sort of.
You mean, none...
none of that's true?
None of it.
Then why on earth did you
put me through that living hell?
He did it because he loves you!
I was afraid if you knew
the real, drab Elliot Carlin,
you'd be disappointed.
I told you I was on the
lamb and that I was married
so when you drop me it
wouldn't be the real me,
it'd be a fake Elliot Carlin.
Then I wouldn't
get... hurt so bad.
Oh, Elliot.
Let's start over.
Okay?
Okay.
I think it's
apparent that, uh...
honest is the best
policy after all.
Or to put in another way...
Oh, the hell with it.
You're so right, Bob.
Honesty is the best policy.
You put it so well, too, Bob.
Hi, Emily.
Do you have an aspirin?
This curse is killing me.
Well, I've got some,
but they're not good for curses.
No, I'm desperate.
I'm shrinking. Look.
I'll get some.
How's your curse, Howard?
It's worse than hot weather.
Oh, it's supposed
to rain tomorrow.
I hope so. I danced
my heart out.
Take these, Howard. I
think they'll do the trick.
Well, they better.
Uh, Howard,
that's... That's my hat.
Your hat?
Your hat? You mean
I'm not shrinking?
Oh! The sacrificial
lamb chops worked!
You know, I don't
believe him sometimes.
[laughs]
Shrinking?
It still fits.
[theme music playing]
[meow]